Chapter 5 Showtime
Blaine stood in the same spot, looking at the door Kurt had walked out of. He had been standing there for five minutes, unable to move. Feelings he hadn't felt in months crashing down around him.
Even though he had been avoiding being around Kurt, had avoided spending any time with him at all, Kurt had been there, Blaine could have still seen him if and when he was ready too, but now, now he would be living in another country, so very far away. Blaine realized in that instant if nothing else, he missed his best friend. He missed the relationship they had always shared.
From the first instant they had met at the bottom of the Dalton staircase they had clicked, and they had soon become inseparable, if you saw Blaine then you saw Kurt, and vice versa, they were friends. Kurt had been there when Blaine had crashed and burned at the gap, when he just knew for sure he was in love with Jeremiah. Until Kurt, he hadn't known what real love was. Kurt had stood by him and was the only person who hadn't laughed when he was rejected.
Kurt had been there when he kissed Rachel, trying to be straight so that maybe he and his dad could be close again, like they had been before he had come out to him. Kurt had been there when he kissed Rachel again sober and knew for a fact that he was definitely gay. Kurt had held him tight the last time he and his dad had had a bad fight, when he had told Blaine he was disappointed in him, before they had finally gotten close again.
Standing there thinking about everything that had happened, what he had done, and what Kurt had done, Blaine was lost. In that instant he knows he wants Kurt back. They will have a lot of issues to work through to get back to where they were, if they could, but THEY were worth it. With that thought Blaine takes off running, trying to catch up with Kurt, trying to find him and stop him from leaving and going to London.
He runs to the different classes he knows Kurt is in and tries to catch him before he leaves campus, but has no luck. He walks out the front door, hops in a cab and heads to Kurt and Rachel's apartment in Bushwick. He runs up the stairs, not wanting to waste time waiting on the elevator, and then he knocks on the door, a smile on his face. When the door opens the smile drops.
"Blaine, what are you doing here" Rachel asks staring at him. The last time she had seen him was right before him and Kurt had broken up.
"Where is he Rach, I need to talk to him," Blaine said bending over trying to catch his breath
"He's gone Blaine, he said he was going to go talk to you and then he was catching his plane." She answers looking at him with a sad expression on her face.
"When does his plane leave" he asked
Looking at her watch Rachel gave him a sad smile "It should have left ten minutes ago"
"No…" Blaine said pulling out his phone, and dialing the only number he had ever bothered to learn by heart
"We are sorry but the number you dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service…" was the recording Blaine heard
"He had his phone disconnected yesterday. He said he would need to get a new one in the U.K. anyway"
"When he gives you his new number Rachel, please call me and give it to me. I need to talk to him, it is really important." Blaine said trying to keep the sound of desperation out of his voice.
"I can't Blaine; he made everyone promise not to tell you. He said he didn't want you to know, that way when you didn't call he could try to convince himself that is was because you didn't have his number, not that you just didn't care about him anymore." Rachel answered. "He also closed his email account as well. He will create a new one when he starts school"
"Rachel please, I need to get in contact with him, I messed up and I know it, but I need him" Blaine asked no longer afraid to beg.
"I'm sorry Blaine, I really am" Rachel said hugging him for a minute before stepping back and shutting the door.
Blaine waited a week, giving Kurt time to get his new phone, and then called everyone that might have potentially been given the new number, even finally breaking down and calling Burt; he heard the same thing from everyone that Rachel had told him. No one was allowed to give Blaine his new number or email address. Kurt was gone.
Blaine tried one more thing before finally giving up. He sent a letter to Kurt at the school he had said he was going to. In the letter he begged Kurt to call him, he even wrote his number down, even though it hadn't changed in case Kurt didn't have it. He waited and waited; only to have it returned to him, unopened. On the front of the envelope, in an unfamiliar handwriting it said "Student unknown"
Blaine finally gave up; his search for Kurt was done. He had no more avenues available to him. Blaine threw himself into his school work, and learning the song he needed to sing in two days for June Dolloway.
oOoOo
Blaine slipped into his tux jacket, making sure his bow tie was straight. The last time he had worn a tux was at Kurt's senior prom, or as they had called it the Anti prom. The first time Kurt had seen him without his hair being slicked back with hair gel. Blaine can still hear Brittany calling him Mr. Broccoli Head. But now he could almost laugh about it. The last time he had worn a bow tie was the day of the school shooting. They were all still hanging neatly in his closet at his parents' house.
When he was dressed, he picked up his wallet, phone, keys and watch and was heading out the door. He had called a taxi to pick him up. Even though he didn't live far from school, he hadn't wanted to walk down the streets of New York in a tux. When he stepped outside the taxi was already waiting on him. He quickly slipped in, told the driver the address he needed to go to and then sat back and enjoyed the ride.
Blaine still wished he didn't have to go tonight. He would probably be the only one there without a date. He knows he probably could have asked Alan, but Blaine hadn't talked to him since the night he had canceled their date. He also wasn't in the mood to sing a song to a stuffy old rich woman, who probably had no sense of humor and would probably look down her nose at everyone.
Blaine had promised though, so he went. He was the first person to perform and was glad when he was finally done. He walked over to the bar that had been set up, and ordered himself a bottle of water, taking a long swallow, almost lost in his own world.
"You were amazing young man" Blaine heard from behind him, turning around he was face to face with June Dolloway herself. He almost choked on his water.
"Thank you Mrs. Dolloway" Blaine said so in shock looking at her.
"Call me June, Blaine, I think we are going to be friends" she said with a smile
And that is what happened. Within weeks of meeting June, she had arranged for him to do a showcase, allowing him to invite Sam and Tina. She thought he had an amazing voice and could go far. After the first showcase she arranged another and another. Three months later she was introducing him a manager, and a month after that Blaine was signing his first recording contract.
He formally withdrew himself from NYADA, and with the approval of his parents, he moved to California. When he was finally ready to record his first album every song on it was his, he had written them all. After Kurt had left, and Blaine had no way to contact him, he poured his feelings into his songs, letting them flow through his lyrics.
His first single "Because It's You" hit the top of the billboard chart the first week it was out, and became one of iTunes most popular downloads. For a while Blaine was happy again, he loved recording his music and even though to him it sounded a little weird, he liked hearing his songs playing on the radio.
Blaine brought Sam on as part of his band. That had made the touring he had to start doing less boring. He had someone that he could talk to, someone who let Blaine talk about "him" as much as he needed to, and with the help of Tina as his assistant, he was never really alone.
After a while the whole in his heart didn't hurt as much, the second time saying goodbye to Kurt even though painful hadn't been as bad as the first. He knew he could survive it because he had survived so much worse.
oOoOo
Blaine was in his second week of a sold out tour when he looked out in the audience and saw the prettiest set of green eyes he had ever seen, they were nowhere near as pretty as the blue eyes he loved, but he was interested enough to meet him. During a song break, when only the instruments were being played Blaine motioned for Tina to come forward just to the side of the stage.
"What's up?" she asked, this was new Blaine had never done this before
"See that man, second row middle with the green button down shirt" Blaine said discreetly pointing him out to Tina. "Bring him back stage for me" Blaine said looking at her.
"Are you sure Blaine" She asked, she knew what today was, her and Sam both did
"I'm positive, bring him backstage as part of the normal meet and greet" He said looking at her
"Blaine, the list has already been made out" she said looking at him
"Well add another too it" He said with a wink walking back to the mic and finishing his set.
The rest of the show Blaine sang with a little more energy, he bounced around stage the way he did when he was still with the Warblers, in other words for the first time in a long time he enjoyed himself. In that moment he decided he was tired of being sad. He was tired of reliving the past that couldn't be changed.
This would be the first time Blaine had ever asked for a specific person, to be brought back stage. Normally he left that up to his crew, to pick the lucky fan or fans, but in that moment he decided it was time to start living a little again, and he wanted to meet him. He knew what caused his sudden decision, but doesn't care; Kurt and Blaine had been broken up 2 years today.
After the concert, the fans that had been selected for the meet and greet were brought backstage. Blaine had been talking to his manager, when he saw Mr. Green Eyes walk in he continued to talk, Blaine not wanting to let him know just how excited he was to meet him
"Blaine, I would like you to meet Erin Sanders, Andrea Phillips, Mark Krieger, and Alex Maxwell" Tina said introducing everyone to Blaine, even though he only really had eyes for Alex
"Nice to meet you all, thank you so much for coming to my concert and coming back to meet me," Blaine said with his signature smile
One by one he talked to them, signing his autograph and taking pictures. When he got to Alex he smiled softly "Well, Alex tell me about yourself" Blaine said looking at him
Alex just smiled a shy smile looking at Blaine "I am 20 I am a sophomore at The University of Nevada, Las Vegas I am a Criminal Justice major. I love to read and could watch musicals every night, I love romantic comedies and Disney movies" he said and then almost as if realizing what he had said he turned red "I know exciting right" he said almost like he was expecting Blaine to laugh at him and walk away.
"You just named off three of my favorite things. I love reading, watching romantic comedies and I am a Disney fanatic" Blaine said laughing
"Wow… I can't believe I am talking to Blaine Anderson right now" Alex said turning red again realizing how much of a fan boy he sounded.
Blaine walked up close to him, and whispered in his ear, "And I can't believe I am talking to Alex Maxwell" giving him a wink before stepping back
"Blainer's, you ready to get out of here and go grab some dinner" Sam asked walking over to Blaine and throwing his arm across his shoulder
"Yeah, sounds great" Blaine said smiling at Sam before turning around and looking at Alex
"Listen, I am in town until tomorrow night, are you interested in getting together and getting something to eat" Blaine asked
"Yes…. I would like that" Alex said with a shy smile
"Ok, give me your number and I'll call you sometime tomorrow and set something up" Blaine said before turning around looking at Sam laughing knowing what he was thinking. He could almost hear bow chicka bow wow from Sam
"No Sam, just no" Blaine said laughing harder, seeing as Alex looked between them
"What…." Said Sam looking at Blaine with an innocent look in his eyes
"Are you two a couple" Alex asked the question he had wanted to since the guy came over and put his arm across Blaine's shoulder. He had really been enjoying their talk until then, but if Blaine was with someone he couldn't be involved with him, not that he would ever get a chance to be involved or anything like that
"No, he just wants to do me" Sam said laughing as he started to walk away
"That was funny senior year Sam" Blaine said but unable to stop himself from laughing before turning back to Alex.
"No me and Sam are not a couple. He is one of my best friends from high school. He is one of the only people who could put up with this crazy life I live. Now then can I have your number" Blaine asked again, pulling a scrap piece of paper out of his pocket and handing it to Alex with the pen he had used to do the autographs with.
"Thanks" Blaine said with a smile, "I'll call you tomorrow" Blaine said before turning around and following Sam to where they knew Tina would be, letting security take the fans out of the side door.
Blaine had one of his security team go out the next morning to buy him a generic phone. He decided that yes he would call Alex, but didn't want to use his real telephone to do it. He didn't want to take a chance on his actual telephone number getting out to fans and making it where he would have to change it. That wasn't something he wanted to do. He wanted to keep the same number in case Kurt ever tried to call him.
He enjoyed the time he spent with Alex the next day, enjoyed getting to know him, but he knew the minute he had dropped him off, that this would be a one time only thing. He wasn't ready after all. Blaine had kissed him goodbye and cried all the way back to his tour bus. He had just kissed the first person that wasn't Kurt since their breakup, and even after two years it still felt so very wrong.
Blaine waited another six months before trying it again. He dated off and on, he would meet someone on tour, get their number spend some time with them and then never talk to them again. He kept waiting to find that one person that would help him forget Kurt; he was beginning to think he would never find anyone, and then he had met Bradon.
Bradon was the first man Blaine kissed that he didn't feel guilty about afterwards. He had met him after a concert in Boston, Blaine had seen him in the audience. It had become a thing for Blaine to see someone and arrange to have them meet him after the show as part of the meet and greet. Tina no longer found it strange.
Blaine had looked out into the audience his first night in Boston, and saw Bradon standing there. He didn't look like he was a normal fan, he actually looked bored and Blaine was fascinated by that. He had gone out with plenty of fanboys. It would be nice to go out with someone, who really didn't seem interested. He was a glutton for punishment it would seem.
Blaine had almost fallen in love with Bradon; he was the first person that almost made him forget about Kurt. He was a lawyer from a very respectable family. He didn't need Blaine for his money or influence; he had enough of that on his own. They dated off and on for a year before their relationship fizzled and Blaine couldn't bring himself to look anymore. He just didn't have the heart.
Bradon's main problem was that Blaine wouldn't have sex with him. That was just one thing Blaine couldn't bring himself to do. That was the one thing he knew he would never be able to do with anyone but Kurt. They had done everything up to the point of intercourse and Blaine just couldn't take that last step, they decided to just end it there while they could still be friends.
oOoOo
"Damn, why does that song always have to be playing every time I get in the damn car" Blaine thought to himself so over that song. Couldn't they find another fucking song to play? Blaine was so beyond frustrated
"Topping the Billboard One Hundred again this week "For You", by Blaine Anderson" the radio announcer said.
Most people would have been happy to hear their song on the radio, to make it to the number one position of the billboard One hundred but not Blaine. He hated that song; it was too raw and still hurt too bad. He had written it the day he had come back from New York. The day he had curled up with his head on his mom's lap and cried his eyes out, the day it had finally hit him that his whole last year with Kurt had been a joke.
He had been a safe guard so Kurt wouldn't be alone, only a safety net. He could go out with other men, find out if he was missing something, but still have Blaine in the background waiting patiently for him to finally be ready to talk, to remember he still had a boyfriend, someone who loved him. When Kurt had finally broke down and told him the truth Blaine had been devastated.
He had wanted to go back, back to when their love was new. Back to when everything was so easy and simple. Back before the first hurt, and sometimes he wished he could go back to the first meeting. If only history could be re-written.
If he could re-write history, this song now playing on the radio would never have seen the light of day. He wishes again for the hundredth time he hadn't recorded that song. He had let his manager go through some of his work; he had found "For You" and wanted to record it. Blaine in all his stupidity thought it would help chase the memories away for good, he was oh so wrong.
The only song that could hurt him worse was Shooting Star. He had written it after the shooting at McKinley, when after the third day Kurt hadn't called him, the day he finally realized he really was gone forever. If only he had known then that he had been gone long before that.
oOoOo
Blaine hated that "For you" could bring Kurt so quickly back to his mind. He had been doing good, he hadn't thought of him once today, and then the opening chorus of that song came on and it was like he was standing in the middle of central park all over again, watching as Kurt walked away from him, or standing in that vacant classroom as Kurt finally confessed to everything.
Blaine closed his eyes and felt as the first tear escaped from his eyes. He hated that Kurt still had that effect on him, that he still loved him that much, because he did. He had tried over and over to forget Kurt, to move on. Especially after Kurt had left, and left him with no means of contacting him. Blaine had had boyfriends, he had tried but it was still just Kurt.
Blaine did the same thing he always did when it got this bad, when it hurt so bad he had trouble breathing. He went home, grabbed his boyfriend Matt's hand and pulled him into the bedroom. He needed Matt, so that he could try to get the thought of Kurt out of his head. He quickly stripped his clothes off and then removed his own and pushed him down on the bed, crawling up and on top of him.
Blaine was hard, and so was Matt, he started thrusting his hips down so that they connected. This was the only type of intimacy he ever allowed himself. When he and Matt had first moved in together, he had been up front with him, about what he was willing to do. He didn't want a repeat of Bradon.
Blaine continued to move his hips rocking forward and back, enjoying the sweet friction he got from it. He closed his eyes and began thrusting his hips faster,when he felt Matt come warm between them he started speeding up, thrusting down on him faster, harder and then he was coming, head back, eyes closed, and just like that he was making love to Kurt again.
Did it make him a bad person maybe, but that is what he had to do to survive, to be able to breathe again. He was fine until he opened his eyes and looked down into Matt's eyes, and even though he had blue eyes, it was a different color of blue, and even though he had a brownish auburn hair, it was a different color brown, and even though he had the same build, it wasn't the same, it could never be the same because it wasn't the person he needed so bad.
He rolled over on his back and threw his arm over his eyes. He really needed to stop this. Him and Matt hadn't really worked for a long time, but Blaine just couldn't let him go. He needed him there. He needed him when he wanted to snuggle at night when nightmares invaded his sleep; he needed him there when like today he just needed to feel again.
"What was that about Blaine, talk to me" Matt said sitting up and turning around so they were facing each other
"I needed you, wasn't it obvious" Blaine said sitting up, not wanting to have this conversation right now.
"So, I was convenient" Matt asked softly
"Yes" was all Blaine could say. He had never once lied to him, never once acted like this relationship was anything more than it was. Blaine didn't like one night stands; he preferred to be in a relationship with the person he sleeps with. When it no longer worked, he said goodbye and moved on.
Matt just nods his head slowly standing up, putting his clothes back on, without even showering first, he then walked to the closet. Blaine watched him as he pulled his suitcase out and started packing his clothes, the only thing he had ever brought with him, even though they had been living together for almost six months.
When he had the last of his clothes packed he closed his suitcase picked it up off the bed and headed to the door never once saying anything. Blaine watched as the door shut behind him, before standing up and heading to the shower. Tomorrow he was back on tour, now he would be going alone, something he hated. It was bad enough being on tour, but to be alone made it worse.
He had decided that at the end of his current contract he wasn't going to renew it. He was tired of being on the road. He would agree to do a few albums but no longer wanted to be under contract. He had enough money, and he would still get royalties so he didn't need to keep touring. He should have stopped a while ago, when it had just stopped being fun.
oOoOo
Blaine was on his second week of tour, they were in Paris, a place him and Kurt had once talked about visiting. He was on stage playing one of his most recent songs; it had just hit the top ten. He was proud of it, it was one of the first songs he had written that wasn't about Kurt. He was looking around the concert hall when he saw someone. He did a double take, and almost missed a note, because there in the second row, third seat middle was his past, looking more beautiful than ever, if that was even possible.
When that song was over, he did something he never did; he decided to change his song list. He walked over to Sam on bass, and whispered in his ear, what he wanted to do before walking back over to the mic. "Ok, we are going to do something a little different than what I normally do. There is someone in the audience tonight that I just saw. This person meant a lot to me at one point of time, and to be honest they still do".
"We lost connection with each other, but I hope we can catch back up. You know who you are. This song is one sung by my dear friend Adele who has given me permission to use it. I hadn't planned on it for tonight because we are really just learning it, but I need to say something to this person, and the words of this song say it all. In our relationship we have many times used songs when we had something we needed to say and just couldn't find the right words. This is for you…
Everybody loves the things you do
From the way you talk
To the way you move
Everybody here is watching you
Cause you feel like home
You're like a dream come true
But if by chance you're here alone
Can I have a moment
Before I go?
'Cause I've been by myself all night long
Hoping you're someone I used to know
Blaine never took his eyes off of Kurt, he couldn't. His heart was beating so very hard, looking into the eyes that had always told him everything he needed to know. Eyes of the person he still loved beyond belief.
Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
I was so scared to face my fears
Nobody told me that you'd be here
And I swear you moved overseas
That's what you said, when you left me
Blaine kept singing that song, never taking his eyes off of Kurt, afraid if he did he would disappear out of his life again. Feeling as tears pooled in his eyes and spilled over. Still so very much in love with his best friend...
"That song goes out to the person who has always been my best friend, the person I still miss beyond belief. I am not going to say your name, but you know who you are. My number hasn't changed, and if you are interested, your name is on the list, and has been at every concert I have ever had. I love you" Blaine said before wiping a tear off of his cheek and finishing his song list.
After the show, he took one more look into the audience, and Kurt was gone, and his heart broke. He lost track of how many times he wished he could go back to that empty NYADA classroom, wished he could take back some of the things he had said, the text messages he had ignored of Kurt saying he was sorry, that he loved him and that he regretted everything, to please give them another chance.
But he can't undo it, he can only move on. So, with yet another broken heart he walks off stage, thanking his manager when he handed him a bottle of water and a towel to wipe off his face. Tonight had been long, it seemed to take more out of him than usual. He was so very tired of this life, he still had his New York apartment his parents had bought him 4 1/2 years ago when he had gone to NYADA with big dreams, maybe when he quits touring he'll go back there.
He went into his dressing room, and sat down in the chair in front of the dressing room mirror and started removing his stage makeup, his mind running a hundred different places all at once. He still can't believe he saw Kurt, and could almost beat himself up that he had said he loved him. Way to go Anderson…. It probably wasn't even Kurt he tried to convince himself, but he knew that was one face he would never forget, or not be able to recognize from across the room no matter how long it had been since he had seen him.
When his dressing room door opens, he didn't even turn towards it. "Where is our next show Tina" Blaine said in a tired voice already dreading the flight. He just wanted to go to his motel room, take a shower, climb into bed and forget
"Blaine"
A/N: Song in this chapter is Adele: When We Were Young
