Tsunade could not sleep. Never in her life did she think that thoughts of her old teammate would keep her up at night. She spent the majority of her life telling herself over and over again that she would never harbor any feelings for him. Yet here she was, suffering from insomnia and experiencing butterflies in her stomach all because of Jiraiya and they way he held her as she cried, and his sweet words that made her feel as if she wasn't alone in the world.
She hasn't seen him in years, after she removed herself from the village and adopted a nomadic lifestyle. She isolated herself and Shizune from everything that would remind them of their home, including old friends. She convinced herself that her decision to leave everything behind was the solution to all her problems. But now as she laid there unable to sleep, did she begin to question herself and her motives behind leaving her home. Was it right of her to rip Shizune away from the only home she has ever known? Was it just of her to rob the Leaf Village of one of their best ninjas? Was she just being selfish when she made the decision to leave?
She remembered every detail of the day she left the village vividly. It was the day after Dan's funeral when she felt as if she couldn't exist in a world where he didn't. She was traumatized to say the very least. As she sat in her home during the lowest point in her life, secluding herself from everyone who was trying to reach out to her, she felt as if she could not breathe. Anxiety ripped throughout her body, rendering her inconsolable. In every corner of her home, she could see Dan and because of that she couldn't remain there. She immediately ran out her house and went to see the Third Hokage. After begging him to leave the village, he granted her request with a heavy heart. She then returned to her dwelling, packed what she could and took Dan's orphaned niece along with her. As she was about to walk out the village gates, Jiraiya stopped her. He had a look of sadness on his usual happy face and pleaded with her to stay with him. He promised that he would take care of her and make her happy again, but she wouldn't listen. She was lost in her own grief and too crippled by her internal pain that she disregarded everything he was offering her and walked out of the village and his life without saying goodbye.
Now years later, she felt as if she were in the same predicament. Jiraiya once again offered to be her safe haven, and she was conflicted on what to do. A part of her wanted to take him up on his offer and start the healing process. However, she felt guilty, almost as if she would be betraying Dan by allowing another man to be there for her. She even felt ashamed at the feelings she suddenly gained for Jiraiya. After the kindness he showed her and the comfort he offered her, she started to see him in a different light and felt an attraction towards him that she never has before. For years she was certain that Dan was the one she loved tremendously and she vowed to herself to never let another man in her life. Could it be that what she always thought to be true was actually fiction? Is it possible that Jiraiya, the one she chastised for the majority of her life, was the one she was meant to be with all along unbeknownst to her?
She rolled over in bed so that she was on her side and was facing the balcony. She recalled how she broke down before Jiraiya's eyes, and how he did not waver in comforting her. It was as if he were her security blanket as she was wrapped in his arms. She felt safe and as if it were natural to be in his embrace. Despite the fact that she abandoned him, he still wanted to be there for her. Anyone else would have just given up on her, but not Jiraiya. He has proven time and time again that no matter what, he would always be there for her. So should she give him a chance?
She wondered how different her life would have been, if she allowed herself to stay in the village with Jiraiya. Would she be happy? Would she have been able to overcome her debilitating fear of blood? Would she actually be in a relationship with the toad sage? She had no idea, and probably would never know unless she gave in to Jiraiya's offer. But it wasn't that simple. She felt that if she were to give Jiraiya a chance, it would somehow diminish Dan's memory, and that was something she could not stand to think about. This was not a decision she could make overnight. She needed time to think so she closed her eyes, hoping and praying that sleep would grace her.
Tsunade opened her hazel eyes and felt exhausted. She didn't sleep well that night due to her conflicting thoughts and her rather emotional state. Despite her restless night, she woke up at noon which was unusual for her. She was normally an early riser, mostly because Shizune would wake her, but that day was different. Tsunade sat up in bed and saw Shizune sitting in the corner of the room reading Jiraiya's novel. The young girl didn't wake her. Instead, she allowed her to sleep. Could it be that Shizune picked up on Tsunade's change in persona? Did she know how emotionally troubled she felt?
"Shizune, why didn't you wake me?" Tsunade asked, getting out of bed and walking towards her apprentice.
Shizune looked up from the book she was reading and tried to come up with something to say. She was well aware of the fact that ever since Jiraiya came around, Tsunade has been acting differently. However, she wanted her mentor to think that she was oblivious to it all, "You seemed to be tired so I left you to sleep." Shizune explained.
"But it's past noon." Tsunade mentioned, "We missed breakfast. You must be hungry."
Shizune shook her head, "I'm not that hungry." She lied, "It doesn't matter anyway. We can just get some lunch from the café."
"Give me some time to get ready and then we'll go." Tsunade said before heading into the bathroom to get herself ready for the day. She felt bad that Shizune was waiting around for her once again instead of taking care of herself first. Sometimes she felt as if she didn't deserve to have Shizune. She was an emotional wreck and it wasn't fair for Shizune to be left to pick up the pieces and act as the responsible adult in their little unit. Tsunade wished she could change for Shizune's sake.
The two women made their way down to the café after Tsunade took a shower and got dressed. As usual, the café wasn't very populated except for one or two patrons. Tsunade took her time to observe her surroundings and was grateful that Jiraiya was nowhere in sight. It wasn't as though she didn't want to be around him. In reality, she wanted to be in his company. However, her mind was not yet made up and seeing Jiraiya in her state of confusion would not make for an ideal situation.
Fugio noticed that Tsunade and Shizune entered his establishment and decided to greet them, "Hello you two." He said as he walked over to them, "How are you doing?"
"We're good, thank you." Shizune said politely while Tsunade continued to look around, "We just came for lunch." She explained.
"It's a shame you guys came so late." Fugio started, "Jiraiya was just here and I'm sure he would have been thrilled to have lunch with you two." He then looked at Tsunade with a smile, "He talks about you all the time."
Tsunade's heart started to beat faster than normal at the mention of Jiraiya's name, and when she learned that he has been speaking about her, a bright red tint rose to her cheeks. She felt like a ridiculous love-sick teenager, but could not let that be known to the two people in her company so she tried to play it off, "I've known Jiraiya for a long time." She said, "I hope he hasn't told you any horror stories of me."
"Quite the opposite." Fugio said.
Tsunade wanted to run out the café and into her room to barricade herself after hearing what Fugio had to say, but reminded herself to keep her composure.
"Perhaps we should have a seat and order Lady Tsunade." Shizune suggested, sensing that Tsunade was starting to feel overwhelmed.
They sat at a vacant table and skimmed through the menu before ordering their meals. Shizune ordered a bowl of noodles while Tsunade settled on some miso soup. Fugio left to fulfill their order which gave Tsunade the perfect opportunity to have a meaningful conversation with her apprentice. She needed to know how Shizune felt about traveling from village to village for all those years. Tsunade really had no clue if it was something that Shizune wanted or if it was just something she was forced to become accustomed to. Tsunade valued Shizune's opinions and just wanted her to be happy in a world of darkness. But what if Shizune admitted her disdain for the constant traveling over the years? Would Tsunade be willing to return to the place she abandoned years ago just to appease Shizune? Would it be something that she could handle? Or would the village just serve as a constant reminder of all that she has lost?
"Shizune." Tsunade said and gained the raven-haired girl's attention, "I need to ask you something."
Shizune didn't know what to expect from Tsunade. She knew that she has been different in many ways ever since they encountered Jiraiya. She wondered if Tsunade's sudden need to ask her a question had anything to do with the white-haired Sannin, "What is it Lady Tsunade?" She asked, eager but also apprehensive to hear what Tsunade was about to say.
"Do you resent me for taking you away from the village?" Tsunade asked, scared to discover the answer.
Shizune thought about it for a second before answering Tsunade. The Leaf Village was her home and it was all she has ever known back when she was just a young girl. The village held so many memories of her late parents and uncle that she would never forget. She always thought that she would be enrolled in the ninja academy and study to become a full fledged ninja, but life had other plans for her. She never expected to lose her parents at such a young age, and then to have her uncle who served as her guardian and only other living family member taken away from her as well. She felt lost, and was burdened with despair when those turn of events occurred in her life. But then Tsunade took her in and acted as her guardian angel who raised her up in a time when she thought her life was over and could not stand on her own. It was Tsunade who saved her. Yes, she had to leave the village, but what would have happened to her if she remained there by herself? She walked away from her home, but in the midst of all that, she gained another family member who she loved with every fiber of her being. How could Tsunade possibly think that she resented her?
Shizune reached across the table and held her hand tightly, "I could never resent you Lady Tsunade." She assured her mentor, "You were the light in a world I was certain was dark. You made me see that there is life after death. I know you have your own cross to bear in that respect, but you guided me out of my internal struggle and lifted me up."
A calming sense of relief washed over Tsunade's being. Despite the fact that Tsunade refused to have a life for herself after losing so many near and dear to her heart, she never made Shizune feel the same. She always made it a point of duty to show her that regardless of the fact that her parents and uncle were no longer around, Shizune was and she had a life to live. She wanted Shizune to be happy. She didn't want her unfortunate circumstances to harden her and make her into a fraction of the bubbly child she once was. She wanted her to be so much more and sometimes Tsunade felt as if she didn't deserve to have Shizune in her life. She was such an understanding, kind hearted soul. Despite Tsunade's insecurities on what kind of mother figure she was to Shizune, she was happy that she still had her.
"I know that you truly loved my uncle and would have spent the rest of your life with him if he hadn't died." Shizune said, "I know how heartbroken you were and that you needed to get away from it all, and in order to do that you needed to move away from the village." She explained, "I've never held that against you. Everyone grieves in their own way and that's how you chose to do it. I just want you to know that no matter what, I'll always be right by your side."
Tsunade squeezed Shizune's hand with a tender smile on her face and tears that she refused to let fall, "What did I do to deserve you?" She asked.
Fugio arrived with their meals and placed it on the table before leaving them once again. They took their time consuming their food, trying to savor the tender moment they just shared with each other. Tsunade was relieved that Shizune opened up to her the way she did. They never had such an emotional, transparent conversation like that before. Most of the time Tsunade was trying to hide her emotions from Shizune, but now she knew that the younger woman was aware of Tsunade's struggle to find happiness the entire time. She suddenly no longer saw Shizune as a child who followed her on all her travels. Instead she started to view her as a companion who she could perhaps open up more to. Throughout the years, Tsunade never allowed Shizune to see her break down. Yes, Shizune has been witness to Tsunade 's drunken moments on many occasions, but she never saw her cry. It was as if Tsunade was trying to keep that from her. But now Tsunade felt as if she could be more honest with her.
After they ate and paid their bill, Shizune expressed her desire to explore the town some more. She invited Tsunade to accompany her, but Tsunade did not feel like walking around town at the moment. She still had a decision to make, and would be unable to concentrate on it if she were occupied with taking in the sights of the town.
"You go on ahead Shizune." She said, "I'll see you later back in the room. Have fun." Tsunade then decided to head back to their accommodations in order to think some more about her situation.
She started to walk through the lobby of the inn when she saw Jiraiya speaking to a woman at the front desk. The woman appeared to be younger than the Sannin and was quite chesty. She was obviously Jiraiya's type. It was only when she placed her hand on Jiraiya's upper arm in a suggestive way that Tsunade felt her anger reach its boiling point. Just as she was about to walk away, she saw Jiraiya look up at her. He walked away from the girl without saying a word and tried to catch up to the now infuriated blonde.
"Tsunade wait!" He called out as he tried to catch up to her, but she would not slow down. She kept on walking as if she didn't hear him calling out to her. He eventually managed to catch up to her and when he did he grabbed hold of her arm to prevent her from moving off again. When his hand made contact with her upper arm, he watched as she raised her free hand to his face and slapped him across his cheek.
"Don't touch me!" She shouted and gained the attention of others who occupied the same space as the former teammates.
When Jiraiya saw that their encounter was being put on display he moved them out of the view of other guests and proceeded to talk to Tsunade, "What's wrong Tsunade?" He asked, "Why are you so mad?"
She didn't know what to say. She wasn't certain why she was so upset upon seeing Jiraiya talk to another woman. They weren't an item and she wasn't supposed to have feelings for him. So why was she so angry?
"I don't know." She answered him in a small voice, clearly confused at her actions.
Jiraiya could tell that she was going through something that he couldn't explain himself. He cautiously took her hand in his, relived that she didn't slap him again for touching her, and led her into his room.
Once they were in the privacy of his room, he shut the door and put his hands on her tiny shoulders that seemed to have carried the weight of the world and stared deeply into her sad eyes, "Tsunade." He said, "Tell me, what's going on in your head?"
How could she stand there and tell him that his image has invaded her mind and the comfort he offered her caused her to become weak at the knees? How could she possibly express that after all the years of constantly rejecting him, she was actually falling for him? She didn't know how to articulate her words, and looking into his eyes was doing nothing but making her heart melt. She wanted to tell him everything she has been thinking. She wanted to open up to him. But words failed her so instead of trying to speak, she crashed her lips down onto his.
He couldn't believe it. Was he actually kissing Tsunade? He waited his entire life for this to happen, but now that it was he was confused why. What caused her to have this sudden change of heart? Did she actually want to kiss him? He spent so many years trying to get her to give him a chance at love, but every time he tried, he would be met by bitter rejection. He was almost positive that she would never love him. It pained him, but he had to break away from her in order to figure out just what was going on.
"Tsunade." He said after breaking away from her lips, "What are you doing?"
Instead of speaking, she answered his question with another kiss. His head was spinning with confusion but also with desire for more. He loved her, he knew that to be a fact. But he didn't want to take part in any act of intimacy with her if she didn't feel the same. It would hurt too much to find out afterwards that it held no significant meaning to her. It took a lot out of him, but he managed to break away again.
"Are you sure about this Tsunade?" He asked seriously, "If you don't have any feelings for me, if this means absolutely nothing to you, then please spare me the pain and let's stop now."
She understood where he was coming from. She knew all too well how he felt about her and could understand why he was reluctant to participate in what she wanted to do. Little did he know that Tsunade was not acting on impulse. Instead she did what she did because of what she felt for him. She wrapped her slender arms around his neck and brought her face close to his before claiming his lips with hers once again. This time around, the kiss was tender and held so much meaning that almost brought her to tears. Before they knew it, the kiss transformed into one that was fueled with passion that led them to his bed. Wrapped in each other's embrace, they finally became one after so many years of being apart. They weren't thinking about the past, nor were they concerned with the future. They were living in the moment and nothing else mattered except for the unspoken words of love and the passion they were surprised they had for each other.
