Yes, I am finally finishing this fic. Life forced me into reality for a while but I always wanted to get back to this. There is just one more chapter after this one. I'm working on it now. Much like this one, its a long one. *BTW I did go back and update the other chapters. So if you re-read them you may have noticed the changes. I hope you enjoy.*
Gail felt Holly settle into her arms and smiled against the other woman's lips. She knew they should pull away. Separate. Holly had her significant other waiting in their room. And Gail had Chris and Sophie to think about. They both had responsibilities. They both knew better. But knowing better did not lead to either of them pulling away.
It was as if their bodies were disconnected from their thoughts or virtues. This was not about what was right. They clung instead to what felt right. And nothing could feel more right than Gail Peck kissing Holly Stewart as she held her passionately in her arms.
Holly leaned in and their kiss deepened. A soft moan slipped from between their lips. Gail did not know who it belonged to, but she took it as a sign to continue.
She had been drifting towards this moment with Holly since she first saw her in the museum. The simple truth of their relationship remained. It held a draw that was unrelenting. It was not to be denied. During the darkest moments, Gail considered herself a prisoner to it. Here, she was a willing participant.
Holly finally ended their kiss by leaning back and taking a strangled breath. She then pressed her forehead to Gail. Her eyes still closed. She struggled to stabilize her breathing and her thoughts. This breathtaking— quite literally— woman before her had taken it away.
Gail heard Holly exhale her name like a warning and a prayer. She savored the sound. Still sound wasn't what she wanted at the moment. Her arms tightened around Holly's waist and pulled her back into another kiss.
As their lips connected, their bodies drew closer together. Any space between them once again disappeared, along with any thoughts of their earlier argument. They were too lost in the palms clutching their sides, the fingers dancing along the edges of their shirt-tails, sliding slightly underneath and sliding against the smooth skin they found.
Their kisses were too soft to called harsh yet too intense to be called tender. They were not rushed. But they were not exactly slow. Their lips moved like someone enjoying a relaxing walk home. There was purpose. But there was also pleasure.
Gail wanted to continue to live in the moment. She longed to allow her existence to continue to be filled with the taste of Holly. The longer time stretched, the more she craved it. She did not want to care about time, space, heaven or hell. If fate could just allow her to stay with this heat, this desire, the sweet delirium, for this brief time, she did not know what it would ask in return, but she knew without a second of doubt that she would give it.
By allowing the moment to exist, it engulfed her. The sounds of their staggered breathing and soft whispers filled the room, replacing the quiet. Like a waterfall, Gail let the sound wash away years of melancholy and resentment. She let herself drown.
Gail groaned Holly's name, enthralled by it and her. So enthralled, she was taken by complete surprise when Holly pulled herself out of Gail's arms. It was as if she had become a slingshot abruptly flinging Holly across the room.
Gail looked down at the space Holly had once filled, saw its emptiness and wilted inside. She turned her confused eyes on the woman who quickly looked away from her. She saw Holly's body shudder and wanted to wrap her back into her arms, to keep her warm. But Holly's arms went around her own body in comfort.
"Gail, what are we doing?" She said softly into the space around them.
The question on the face of it looked like it should have an easy answer. But both Gail and Holly recognized there were no answers between them, only questions.
This cannot happen," Holly said in her most monotone voice. The one she only saved for the harshest of moments, those that brought the greatest of dread. She turned to face Gail. Her expression devoured of any emotion. But in her eyes laid a struggle that remained as heavy as stone.
"You're married." Holly filled the air with unwanted words.
"Okay," Gail grumbled, feeling the weight of Holly's judgement. Gail didn't know why but that simple truth made her feel attacked. "You are not exactly free yourself, Holly."
"But," Holly shook her head incredulously. "You are married."
"Yeah, I was there." Gail groaned as she looked away. She felt the space between them returning.
"I know." Gail whispered mostly to herself. Holly heard her still. Her keen eyes focused in on Gail's sadness.
"Do you love him?" Holly asked. Her voiced strained over obvious emotion.
"I miss you." Gail returned with passion. She watched as Holly closed her eyes. Her brilliant nerd's head tilted towards the floor as she searched for what next to say.
"That's not what I asked, Gail," Holly said with a sigh.
"But it's what you really want to know."
Gail took a step towards Holly, but Holly must have felt the movement. Her eyes immediately widened and the caution in them put an end to Gail's next step.
"Holly—" Gail began, only to be cut off.
"Don't, Gail." Holly's eyes flitted to the side as she softly choked on the final word. "Don't put words in my mouth or thoughts in my—"
"Heart?" Gail finished with a question. Holly's haughty look confirmed more for Gail than her words ever could.
Gail could tell the truth to Holly, but the truth to her would sound so very different to the woman she loved. How could Gail explain? There are so many different ways to love, to grab someone's heart. Would Holly even give her time to explain? No, Gail decided. She couldn't answer Holly with one truth. So Gail told her another one.
"This is not about Chris," Gail admitted. "It's about you. It always has been. It always will be for me."
Gail whispered the last two words as Holly began to pace the room. She knew what Holly's pacing meant. Holly was processing, distancing her emotion from the moment. She was trying to push logic to the front by closing herself to Gail's confession. Gail steeled herself and carried on anyway.
"You know, a lot has changed for me. I'm not the runaway I used to be." Gail paused, checking to see if Holly was paying attention.
"I'm no longer afraid to say out loud the things that scare me. After everything I went through... with everything I have to lose, I don't like wasting time."
Holly stood frozen. Her pacing stopped at that point. She watched Gail with her complete focus. Her features seemed almost relaxed in surprise. This new more forthcoming Gail may have floored her. Gail took that as encouragement to continue.
"I missed you. I miss being with you. I miss talking to you, and laughing with you. Learning weird little things from you. I'm still not up on medical jurisprudence." She rolled her eyes and heard Holly's small chuckle. At the sound, Gail felt a glimmer of light inside.
"I know I shouldn't be saying it. There was no plan for it, believe me. But when I see you, I can't help but remember waking up in the morning and seeing you. Knowing the day was going to be brighter because you were with me. How happy that made me. I miss being that happy. It sounds selfish. But I can't help it. I want that happiness. I need it. I need you."
She waited for the sting of her guilt to pierce her for acknowledging the validity of her feelings. Seconds passed. Nothing. She looked down to the floor as if she was searching for it. But the guilt she thought she could feel did not manifest.
"I need you," Gail repeated, this time more to herself. It felt like a lifelong secret she was finally letting go of. With it came clarity. That clarity came with a certainty that there would be no pain to follow her words. Because she accepted them.
"Don't you need him?" Holly once again interrupted Gail's thoughts. Her brows furrowed in confusion.
"It's not the same." Gail shared.
"How can you..." Holly shook her head from side to side in utter bewilderment. "How?"
"Because, it's not the same." Gail ran her fingers through her hair, frustration causing them to shake.
"Okay, you want me to say it. I love Chris. Of course, I love Chris. He's the best. Every time I needed someone, he was there. Every time I was scared he refused to leave me alone. Every time I—"
"I get it, Gail." Holly's sharp words cut her off. "You love him."
"Of course I do. Have you met the idiot? He's the best." An aggravated Gail threw her fist in the air.
"So what? Even if I could let go of everything you and I went though, it would never be the same. Even if you weren't the love of my life, it's not like I'm trying to... It's not like... its... I..."
Gail stopped and squinted her eyes at Holly.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" She took in Holly's complete confusion in utter disbelief.
"You know I'm gay, right?" Gail asked incredulously. "I mean I thought I was pretty clear on that."
Holly's confusion deepened. "But you're married…" Holly sighed her please-get-me-out-of-bizarro-world sigh. "To Chris."
"To Chris." Gail shrugged as if it made all the sense in the world. "Chris, my best friend. If I had to marry someone why wouldn't it be—"
"Why would you have to marry someone?" Holly yelped as she crossed her arms in a mix of frustration and irritation.
"For Sophie." Gail answered. "I'd already lost her to a "perfect" family. She was given a mom and a dad with safe jobs. Dinner on the table every night. They always had time for school activities and teacher meetings. A ready-made family. I wouldn't have her today if that couple had not discovered they could have their own children. They had it all. They threw her away. She was left with me, just this single lesbian with a dangerous job and a corrupt family."
"That's not true, Gail." Holly jumped to her defense like it was second nature to her. "You were always more than that to Sophie."
"To Sophie, but not to the court." Gail responded. "Chris sold them on me, on us."
"You married Chris for Sophie?" Holly looked at Gail with shock.
"Of course I did. Chris had been bummed ever since... you know. He's always wanted a family. It worked for us. He took a desk job. It gave me stability in the court's eyes. We became ready-made for Sophie. Why else would I marry him?"
Gail looked at Holly as if the doctor should have figured this all out years ago. Gail thought she would have. It is Holly. She once knew Gail better than anyone else. Why wouldn't she… Gail's eyes sharpened with disappointment.
"Wait. You thought Chris and I…" Gail could not get her head around it. "You thought we were actually together. Gross Holly."
"Don't 'gross Holly' me!" Holly barked. "Of course I thought you were with Chris. Why wouldn't I? You were with him before me."
"Before you," Gail emphasized. "There were a lot of things I did before you."
Holly balled her fist and pressed them into her sides. "Chris ordered me to stay away from you while I stood in a bedroom that sure as hell wasn't yours alone."
"Okay, I get it." Gail conceded. "I just didn't think you would think I would just go back to guys after figuring out I'm a lesbian.. I just thought you would…"
"Go back to guys? There is a such thing as bisexual, Gail." Holly said crisply.
"Okay. I get it," Gail pushed her palms out in defeat, resetting her thinking. "We share a bedroom because it made things easier. We were getting surprise visits from the social worker. Once that was almost over, Chris tried to move out but Sophie started asking questions. And we really didn't have answers that wouldn't have required her to lie. So he stayed."
"Okay," Holly nodded, a bit overwhelmed. She tried to take in all of this new information, but it was a lot.
She sighed, "It's none of my business anyway."
"Isn't it?" Gail quickly asked. Holly's confusion transformed to wariness.
"Gail…" She warned. Gail probably should have taken a step back when she heard her name. But she did not want to retreat.
"Do you want it to be?" She forged ahead.
"I'm seeing someone." It was not the first time Holly had uttered those words to Gail. Years later, they had the same heart wrenching effect. The explanation thrust Gail back to that painful moment years ago. A moment when she accepted her lost and walked away. When she settled for regrets. But that was then. And Gail was done with regrets.
"Stop seeing her." Gail suggested. Holly tilted her head at the suggestion
"Stop seeing her?" She let out a small chuckle that was a mockery of her real laugh. "Just that easy?"
"It can be." Gail looked earnestly in Holly's eyes. "You said I should have hope."
"To stop the anger, Gail."
"Here it is," Gail displayed the little seed of light growing in her with her words. The light shone in her eyes. "Here it is, Holly. Look at me. Look at us. Stop seeing her."
"What about Chris and Sophie?" Holly asked in disbelief.
"I don't know," Gail answered honestly.
"That's because you are not thinking clearly." Holly said in a huff.
"I am." Gail assured her.
"Gail-"
"I am, Holly," Gail tried again. "Chris and I can come up with something. Something that will work."
"And you think he wants to?" Holly asked incredulously. "The man who ordered me to stay away from you?"
Gail frowned. "It's complicated but..."
"It's complicated." Holly reiterated.
"But it's worth it, right?"
Gail saw a foreboding look come across Holly's face. She did not wait for Holly's answer.
"Just think about it. And if you think you could want…" The word 'me' nearly fell from Gail's lips but she held it in.
"If you could want to try, then pick up your phone and call me. I will answer."
"Gail, you really think you and I and Chris could work this out?" Holly asked, unsure of it all.
"I don't know." Gail answered honestly. "But someone just told me to try hope and see what I have to gain.'"
"Gail Peck, you are impossible, " Holly shook her head in disbelief.
"To resist? I know," Gail smiled for the first time in a long time a smile that sent fireworks through the room. Holly saw them as clear as day. With Gail, she had always experienced the most beautiful of fireworks.
"I have Sophie," Gail smiled so wide and bright. "Who says I can't have you too?"
Holly got lost in the rare vision that is Gail Peck's optimism. Still, she remained not completely reassured.
"And when do you want this call?" She questioned.
"Let's give it the day." Gail urged.
Holly let everything roll in her mind. "So if I find myself actually thinking a relationship with you is possible, despite everything we..."
"If you want to try, Holly." Gail sighed, "Just try."
"The day?"
Gail's smile filled with warmth and certainty. "The day. That's all I need. One day from you. To arrange a lifetime with you."
"Gail, why would you say that?!" Holly breathed, revealing some of her own yearnings. The answer melted some of Holly's reserve. She offered her a small smile in return.
"I'll think about it."
It was all Holly would offer. It was all Gail needed. Holly looked at her Fitbit and groaned. She quickly turned towards the door. But she did not miss the wide grin on the face of the woman before her.
"I'll be expecting a call," Gail called out to a Holly in retreat.
Holly shook her head at the sheer craziness of the situation. But she could not ignore her growing grin.
Gail watched Holly leave with new purpose. The sun was no longer in the sky. It rested inside of her. She could not contained its light. The rays showed in her eyes, in her smile. She could not believe the level of happiness she now felt could even be reached.
As she walked out of the hotel, her moves took a life of its own. She felt like she was floating. She relived the earlier conversation in her mind, the baited kisses, the revealed secrets, pleas and promises. So caught up in those moments, she nearly missed her cell phone vibrations.
For a second, she thought it must be Holly. Her heart leap at the thought that the very logical doctor was throwing reason to the wind and grasping for something real with her. Gail quickly reached for her phone, imagining Holly would say she had wasted no time in dumping what's her face and was calling her. But that fantasy died as Gail really listened to her phone's ringtone. It was the sound of an old school bell. She frowned, knowing what it meant. Sophie's school was on the other end of the call. And it was probably important. She grabbed her phone from her jacket pocket and answered.
"Hello?" Gail heard the person on the other end of the line take a deep breath before speaking.
"Mrs. Diaz? This is Principal Berry."
"Is everything all right?" The creases on Gail's face multiplied. Worry added each one to her brow. The school had only called her once before, when Sophie had fell ill from food poisoning.
"Is there something wrong with Sophie?"
"Your daughter is not sick," the principal reassured Gail. There was an awkward pause before he spoke again. "But there is an issue I would like to discuss with you," he cleared his voice. "Now if we could."
Gail's expression turned grim at the principals cautioned request. She quickly made it to Chloe's car and started it up.
"I'm on my way."
Gail had never been as upset at her daughter as she was at that moment. They both sat quietly in the car as Gail drove them home. No music needed. Questions filled her mind. Sophie had never been a trouble child. At her worst, teachers claimed she was too quiet. Removed. Not today. Today, her child was suspended, kicked out of school for the next several days.
"Do you want to explain what happened?" Gail asked calmly. Her teacher had already told Gail how Sophie had lashed out after being withdrawn the entire day. The older lady seemed brokenhearted as she relayed how Sophie had laid into her in front of much of the school. She kept repeating that she did not want to report Sophie, but Sophie made it impossible to allow her actions to slide.
Still, Gail gave Sophie a chance to share her side of the situation with no recriminations. Gail's mother never gave Gail the option. This was her chance to soften whatever punishment would be coming her way. But Sophie did not take it. She instead tightened her lips, her eyes focused out of the passenger side window.
Gail admitted it was probably the same move she would have made at Sophie's age. That did not ease any of her concerns.
As they pulled into the driveway, Gail prepared for one of the newer positions in her personal life. That of her daughter's disciplinarian. Chris usually did the heavy lifting when it came to punishing their daughter for any bad behavior, which was luckily few and far between. Gail reasoned Sophie had been through enough. She deserved the chance to act out, to talk back, to be a normal child.
This time was different. This time Gail knew something should be done. She just did not know what. For the first time all day, Gail wished Chris would call her. She understood why he was not speaking to her. He had not communicated with her since this morning. That in and of itself would have been unusual for him. She would have been worried. But she knew the reason why Chris was keeping his distance. After their blowup, he needed space.
Gail sighed. Chris needed space. Sophie needed discipline. And Gail… what she needed would fall to the side. Maybe it was because what she needed was always a little more complicated. Still it felt like it would alway be that way. Her needs would always have to go to the back burner.
But... no, she urged silently. Hope, she reminded herself. Just for this moment her needs would be temporarily displaced. She promised that she would pick them back up again. After all, she was expecting a very important call.
Sophie stormed into the house seconds after Gail unlocked the door. Gail watched surprised as the young girl did not stop to acknowledge her mother or their home. She bolted up the stairs to her room, fiercely slamming the door.
Of all the nerve! Gail took a deep breath and gained control of her growing anger. She could not comprehend what Sophie was thinking and why she thought this was an appropriate way to behave.
Gail felt a shiver go down her back. She shook herself in disgust. Because Gail Peck had never heard her mother's voice in her mind so clearly and agreed with it. What the hell was going on, she thought. Looking for answers, she made a beeline to her daughter's room.
Gail opened the door to find Sophie placing clothes into a large garbage bag.
"What are you doing?" Gail frowned.
Hearing her mother's voice did not faze Sophie. She did not look up or pause in her movement. She just continued to stuff items into the black plastic bag as full as it could get.
"I'm not stupid, you know." The child huffed as she continued her jerky movements. "Everyone thinks because I'm not from here, I'm stupid. But I can keep up. I'm not stupid."
Gail watched her daughter rush back to her closet for more clothes and held her breath. This was the first time Gail has ever heard her talk like this. She wanted to ask questions. She wanted to investigate. She wanted names and addresses of everyone who had ever made Sophie feel that way. Gail vowed she would make sure they never made anyone feel that way again.
She fumed, but she kept it all inside. An interrogation was probably not what Sophie needed at this moment. She retrained her thoughts, softly exhaled and took a step into the young girl's room.
"I don't think you're stupid, Sophie." Gail said cautiously. She was not sure if Sophie even registered her words. The girl just continued filling her bag.
"Why are you throwing your stuff away?" Gail asked.
"I'm not," the little girl answered. "Foster kids don't get suitcases."
Gail's heart broke at the admission. She knew the ordeal her daughter had gone through at her young age, but she still could not comprehend the magnitude of its effect on the 13-year-old.
She cleared the emotions from her throat as she took another step into the room.
"You're not a foster kid."
"I'm always a foster kid," Sophie says. "I'm always the one to leave."
Gail was at a lost on how to proceed. She knew she could make more reassurances. Tell her all the reasons she never had to worry about leaving her family. But before a word even left her lips, Gail realized none of it would to actually calm Sophie's concerns. She decided the straightforward approach was better.
"Sophie, you are not leaving. Where would you go, sweetheart?"
The question caused Sophie to pause in her movement. She looked up at Gail and the cop was taken aback by the hurt she saw in the little girl's eyes.
"What are you thinking?" Gail pleaded to know.
"I know what's going on," Sophie bit out. "I know what comes next. You and dad fight. You both get sad. Everything changes. And I go back. I know how this goes."
Sophie grabbed her bag and held it against her body. She looked even younger than her 13 years. She certainly sounded it as she said in a hushed tone, "I've been through it before."
Gail did not need any more proof to know what Sophie was referring to. She must have heard their arguments over the last couple of nights. Chris and Gail had tried to be careful. But obviously they were not careful enough.
Gail sat down at the edge of Sophie's bed and looked at her child. She looked scared. She looked angry. She looked like a cat in a tree. Gail knew the look well. She just did not know how to deal with it when it was coming from Sophie.
"Honey, you are not a foster child. You are my child. And I are your mother." Gail paused to clear her throat. She did not want to get overwhelmed with emotion. She wanted to keep it simple for Sophie. Even if the situation was anything but simple. She tried again.
"Parents fight, you know. Parents argue. Parents do a lot of things that are not perfect. But parents don't just give up on their kids."
"Tell that to the Wallaces." Sophie huffed as she looked at her mom dead in the eyes.
Gail had never met the Wallaces. But she hated them for giving up on her daughter. Even if it turned out to be the best thing in the world for Gail. Because they left a hurt that, no matter how much Gail tried, never seemed to mend.
"We're not the Wallaces. Chris and I are in it for the long haul with you. Whatever happens-"
"See!" Sophie shot up, pointing at Gail. "I knew it! Something's happening, mom! Something's happening."
"No, Sophie…" Gail tried to calm her down.
"Why I can't I have a family, mom? What did I do wrong? Why can't I have one?"
"We are your family." Gail said firmly, cutting through Sophie's plea. "Nothing's going to change that. No matter-"
"You're sad now," Sophie interrupted. Her voice as small as a mouse. "You were happy with me and dad. Now you're sad. We used to laugh in the car. Now you guys just stare at each other. We used to have fun. Now you guys just argue. You used to be happy with us. Now you are sad. And I don't know why."
Gail did. She knew the reason. She listened to the emotion coming from her daughter with a new realization. She had not noticed the changes to her life since Holly re-emerged. While she had been oblivious, her keen-eyed Sophie had noticed it all. And it apparently brought out old fears in the young girl.
Gail watched as Sophie tossed the bag she was holding to the side and sat down as if her shoulders carried the weight of the world.
"Ms. Wallace was so happy when I came to stay with them." Sophie spoke so softly Gail was amazed she could hear her. But she heard every word.
"We used to play games. They laughed. We had fun. Then she got sad. They thought I couldn't hear them, but I heard them say it. I wasn't enough. They wanted a real family. They wanted more. I wasn't enough."
Sophie shook her head as if she could shake off the past. She jumped up as she grabbed her bag again. Her glare fell on Gail.
"I know how this goes. I've been through it before."
Gail sat in silence as her child went back to filling her bag. She had no words for this moment. Her baby was broken. And Gail could blame the man who killed her birth mother. She could blame the system or the Wallaces for their part. But she felt the final blow had not come from them. It was her. Her selfishly thinking that she could have it all had— her hope... her hope had crushed her daughter.
Gail hated herself in that moment. There were no words for her. But she tried to find them anyway.
"Sophie," she began. She cleared her throat as she heard her voice break. Her daughter gave her the saddest look she had ever seen. One she could never unsee.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby."
Sophie took in the look of utter devastation on Gail's face and finally softened her resolve.
"Mom..."
"You're right," Gail stopped whatever Sophie was going to say next. She locked eyes with her little girl and held them.
"I have been going through something and I let it affect our family. But make no mistake, honey. We are a family. We love each other. We take care of each other. Sometimes we may disappoint each other and sometimes we may make each other sad, but we are a family. Nothing that changes will change that."
Sophie searched Gail's eyes with both hope and fear. "What if I'm not enough to make you happy?"
Gail walked over and pulled her into the fullest of hugs. "It is not your job to make me happy. It's our job to love you always."
"I know," Sophie said as she breathed in her mother. "But mom, can that happen? You're sad. Can you be happy with us when you're sad?"
Gail was about to speak when the phone rang. The ring was generic but Gail did not have to guess who was calling. She knew. The hope in her leaped at it but reality stomped it down. She let the phone continue to ring until it stopped. She then kissed the top of Sophie's head and pulled her closer. "You know how dad loves to call you his favorite girl?"
"Yeah." Sophie's arms tightened around her at the thought. Gail just held her closer.
"Well, you're my favorite too, Sophie. I can always be happy with you."
Gail and Sophie both smiled. But the smiles never reach either pairs of eyes.
The house was quiet and dark when Chris finally made it home. He barely made a peep as he walked through the kitchen. Right away, he noticed the mess of dirty dishes that had been left in the sink and around the stove. He groaned because he knew he was the one who would be tasked with cleaning it all up in the morning.
"Yes, you're on cleanup duty, Diaz. Suck it up."
Chris heard the command uttered softly to him but couldn't stop his smile. After all it was the voice of the woman who had become his best friend. He turned towards the voice and shared his smile. He missed her after a full day of avoiding her. He longed for things were back to normal.
But maybe that no longer existed for him. That was his thought as he took in the scene before him. It took Chris a moment to realize Gail was sitting on the floor with her head against an unlit fireplace. In between her legs was a full bottle of bourbon. He sighed. Maybe this is their new normal.
"Chloe wants to know when she's getting her car back."
"I'll drop it off tomorrow." Gail said with a shrug.
Chris walked over to Gail and slid down the wall to sit beside her. Gail guffawed when he stumbled.
"So," Chris started with a slight grin. "Today was a bust?"
He watched Gail's shoulders fall and her fingers play with the unopened cap of the bottle.
"I've scarred our child, Chris."
Chris scoffed at Gail's soft concern. "Ever the one for dramatics, Gail. What happened?"
"Oh nothing out of the unusual," Gail's tone sounded a bit more upbeat. Chris was not deceived.
"Sophie is temporarily not allowed back at her school," Gail continued. "We talked. She had a mental breakdown. Then I fed her some birthday cake."
"Wait? What?" Chris struggled to take in the rush of new information. "Who's birthday is it?"
"No one, Christian." Gail said it as if she made all the sense in the world. "Everyone knows cake tastes better when you say it's birthday cake. Stay focused."
Chris exhaled as he tried to find his footing in the conversation. As always, Gail knew exactly how to throw him off kilter.
"She thinks I'm not happy," Gail confessed. Her head fell into her hands as she continued. "She thinks I'm not happy and I'm going to destroy our family because of it."
"Well, are you?" Chris asked blankly.
"Am I what?" Gail looked up to him to ask.
"Are you going to destroy our family?" Chris watched the stream of emotions play on Gail's face. He held his breath and waited for it to settle. When it did, it landed on anger.
"What a shitty thing to ask, Christian?" Gail breathed out forcefully.
Chris sighed. "It's a fair question. I could ask if you're happy, Gail. But we both know you're not."
Gail shook her head dramatically, her denial causing her to overcompensate.
"I am though. I am happy."
"Then why are you holding onto that?" Chris pointed to the full bottle of liquor sitting close to his friend.
"It's not even open." Gail remarked as if the state of the container's top mattered in any sense.
"How long have you been sitting with it?" Chris asked calmly.
"Whatever," Gail muttered. He already knew the answer. She knew she had lost that round.
"Gail, you forget you're talking to an addict." Chris reminded her. "It's been years but it still feels like yesterday to me."
"I am not an addict, Chris." Gail said firmly."
"I know." Chris nodded. He felt the need to add, "But you are on a line, Gail. A dangerous line."
"It's not even open." Gail's voice went up an octave defensively. Chris' eyebrows shot up at her reaction. Gail was a lot of thing but clueless was never one.
"Does that supposed to mean anything to you," Chris put on her best Doctor Phil tone.
"It means I could have opened it, but I did not."
"Gail, I know why you took Chloe's car this morning," Chris sat back with a grim grin. "Let me guess why. Could it be you were confronted by a pretty smart doctor, who told you that your drinking was getting out of hand and you want to prove her wrong?"
Gail rolled her eyes at his assumption, trying to hide that it hit very close to home. She grimaced at how close it hit.
"Chris, you know you're about as smart as you look. That's not saying much."
His answering chuckle let her know he did not take her wisecrack to heart.
"And she's not just pretty smart," Gail mumbled." She's a gorgeous genius."
Chris let his head fall back against the wall as he exhaled slowly. Man, he loved his family. He did not think he could love people this much, but Gail and Sophie proved him wrong.
So it hurt him to ask, "What happened?"
"I told you what happened." Gail deflected.
"I'm talking about this morning, Gail," Chris tried again. "With Holly."
He watched the emotions play on his friend's face. The happiness at the first sound of that name. Then the overwhelming sadness. The crushing look of loss.
It took Gail some time to speak. When she did it was barely above a whisper.
"She wanted me to stop being angry. To have hope."
"Do you?" Chris asked. He really wanted to know.
"Chris, you have enough for both of us. And you use yours for good things." She smiled sadly. "I will let you have the good powers."
Chris let his head signal agreement, but he could not let it go.
"What would you use it for if you could, Gail? What would you hope for?"
Gail did not answer, but her silence spoke volumes. Chris knew what he had to do. For the life of him it was the last thing he wanted to do. Still, he loved his family. And it worked best when everyone was at their best. He tilted his body as he turned so he could see Gail fully.
"Gail, you got to be honest with me here. If every time Holly appears you plan to fall to pieces-"
"That's not what happened." Gail vehemently denied.
"It's not? Is that what you're going with?" Chris questioned with an underlying of snark.
"What do you want me to say?" Gail looked at him with a silent plea. He could tell she didn't want to say it. But he wasn't backing down. He looked straight at her and waited. Gail groaned with agitation.
"What's with you guys?!" Gail stood up, throwing her hands in the air. "First her. Now you. Why do you need to hear it?"
"Because it's the truth." Chris said simply.
"Okay, I'm in love with her." Gail said the words with the force of a sledgehammer. Chris just shrugged.
"I know that."
That was not enough for Gail.
"I still love her, Chris," Gail said clearly. Definitively. Chris continued to nod.
"And she still loves you." Gail rolled her eyes as she frowned at the big idiot she called her husband. Chris rolled his eyes in return.
"You don't have to look like I'm not an idiot. Stop." Chris interrupted the scornful remark that was surely ready on Gail's tongue.
"I've been around you guys since she's been back. Hell, I walked in on her watching you sleep. I've seen the looks she gives you even when you don't see them."
Gail shook her head at Chris' words. Despite her push to ignore what he was saying, Chris continued.
"She has a picture of you in her wallet." Gail look hard at him at that confession.
"I wasn't looking for it," he defended. "I was trying to pay the cab and I saw it. And it's not a group photo. It doesn't even look professional. Do you know how much someone has to care to have a photo printed out off of a phone to keep in their wallet?!"
A pained sound from Gail stopped Chris' diatribe. She did not need to hear it. She did not want to hear it.
"I'm not going to destroy our family." Gail asserted. She stood there looking at him, showing all of the protection of a mother bear with her cub. He knew Gail loved their family. She had fought for them. A long and hard battle won.
He knew why she was doing this. And that is what frustrated him the most. Because it's always one of the things he admired about her. Her protective streak nearly sent her to jail unjustly for her family. He could not let her keep condemning herself in the name of love.
"Gail, stop trying to be noble." Chris bit out harshly.
"What?" Gail looked at him confused.
"Are we a family or a cult?" Chris stood, towering over the smaller cop. But her steely eyes nearly cut him to two.
"Be careful here, Chris."
"Because no one here is asking for a sacrifice."
"I am going to let her go," Gail reaffirmed with words backed by steel. "I did it before. I can do it again."
"Yeah." Chris agreed. His sarcasm on full display. "I was there the last time Holly left. I remember it being a walk in the park."
"Yeah, well it's a hell of a lot better than watching my daughter scared of losing everything." Gail retorted. Chris turned from Gail. Hating the situation they were in. Knowing it was a losing battle that he was still hoping they could all win. She was right. He had all the fucking hope. And she needed him to use it.
"Will it be the same as the last time?" Chris sighed heavily.
Gail shouldered shot up and down like it was the most nonchalant question in the world.
"It will probably be worse. But I got a little girl-"
"We've got, Gail," Chris reminded her letting his frustration show. "Not only you. We have got a little girl counting on us to give her the best."
"That's what I'm trying to do." Gail spit out.
Chris shook his head sadly. "But you're not. The best is a happy mommy and daddy. A mommy and daddy who can teach her that happiness is important."
"Her happiness is everything." Gail declared passionately.
"No it's not." Chris whispered. He was suddenly overwhelmed with a tiredness and sadness. They draped him like a cape.
"It's not everything, Gail. Because you're her mom. Your happiness counts. You count."
Gail gave her head a tiny shake as she turned away from Chris. She said nothing. She simply walked away. Chris waited until he realized she wasn't coming back. He followed her into the kitchen and found her leaning against a counter.
"I'm giving her everything I have." Gail said quietly. Tears shone in her eyes.
"No, you're giving her pieces." Chris answered just as quietly. Gail's entire back stiffened in response, along with her expression.
"Fuck you, Chris."
"She deserves more than that," Chris continued undeterred. "We all do. And that includes you."
He walked over and pulled Gail into a hug. He knew he did the right thing when he felt her head lean into his shoulder.
"Everybody deserves to be happy, Gail," Chris whispered. "Even you."
He held her tightly as he heard her sniffle in response. Quietly they held each other until Gail finally pulled away.
"I can't believe I saved you a piece of birthday cake." She growled jokingly.
"You did?" Chris pretended not see her hands wipe the tears from her eyes. Gail smiled gratefully at her friend.
"It always goes back to the cake for you, Diaz." She said as she opened the fridge and searched for the covered piece.
