A/N Well here it is. Epilogue part 1. I'll try to have the next part done in two weeks at the most, but it might take me longer.
I've updated every Saturday otherwise, so make sure you aren't missing a chapter! And if this is the first time you clicked on my story, THIS IS NOT THE BEST CHAPTER TO START ON. IT'S LITERALLY THE WORST AND MOST SPOILERISH ONE YOU COULD POSSIBLY START ON. But hey, maybe that's how you get your kicks, I ain't judging.
Enjoy!
Also, TRIGGER WARNING for depression. Hotlines at the end.
He was floating. Or something. He wasn't sure what his name was, or who he was, or what he was doing here, but his head felt foggy, and that was somehow preferable to where he'd been before.
Where had he . . .
"Shadow?"
He opened his eyes. His mouth was covered, something stuffed down his throat, which felt very dry. His chest seemed wrong, bigger?
"Shadow, can you hear me?"
He blinked. I'm Shadow! Why am I here? Where is this place? I'm so uncomfortable.
Some blurry figure was above him. He wanted to ask all his questions, but couldn't speak around whatever was in his throat.
"You have a breathing tube, Shadow, it's alright. It's helping you breathe. Calm down, son, please."
He stared at the blurry face until it sharpened. That wasn't his dad. His dad didn't have purple blotchy skin or white patches all over it, and he didn't wear masks.
Wait.
Was that his dad?
He tried to reach up to pull the medical mask off the face, but something stopped his hand. He looked at it, and found his wrist wrapped in green foam, a strap holding it loosely to the side of the bed. He tugged it weakly, then looked up at his Maybe Dad.
God his brain was so foggy.
"They're restraints so you don't pull your tubes out, Shadow. I'm sorry."
Okay, well that made sense. He didn't know where this was, but he recognized it. He'd been here after . . .
Yeah, after his heart attack. Where did he go after his heart attack?
Hospital.
This was the hospital.
Something bad happened.
What was it?
Did he have another heart attack?
He looked down again, trying to see his chest.
"Easy, easy," Ganondorf coaxed, placing a hand on his shoulder and gently pushing him back.
Shadow looked at him in confusion. Why is this happening? What's happening?!
"You've undergone heart surgery, Shadow, you need to relax, everything's okay." His dad grinned brightly. "You're going to be just fine."
He wasn't used to hearing his dad have that kind of voice, so lacking in grumpiness and worry. It felt pretty warm, and his eyelids slipped closed.
He snapped them open—or, tried to. It was slow. He made a muffled cry.
Heart surgery?!
The heart monitor next to his bed beeped.
"Shadow? Shadow, it's okay. Shadow, you're fine. I'm here."
His dad was leaning over him again. Shadow blinked, his focus clearer this time. He knew it was his dad, but he was severely beat up.
Why is he beat up?
Th-the stadium, everyone was hurt, Demise threw Dad on the ground—oh my God, Dad's alive! He felt relief wash over him, and he tried to reach for his dad.
Ganondorf took Shadow's hands and held them.
His restraints were gone. Had time passed?
"Shh, Shadow, it's alright, everything's alright, it's all fine. Shadow, do you know who I am?"
Shadow nodded, but he was fighting the breathing tube, getting more excited, more worried. Midna got hurt next, and I have no idea what happened to Link—WHAT HAPPENED TO LINK?!
"Do you know where you are?"
Shadow fought his grip, wanting to hit him, hit anything, pull this damn tube out of his throat and bellow, WHERE IS LINK!?
"SHADOW!"
He stopped.
"Do you know where you are?"
He nodded.
"Do you remember what happened?"
At first he nodded, then shook his head, then whimpered. I just need to know everyone's okay! He tried to be patient, because his dad had to ask all these questions to even figure out what Shadow remembered and was upset about.
"You had a heart attack," Ganondorf explained. "At the stadium. Do you remember the stadium?"
His dry eyes were stinging. Was he crying? His heart was racing, and damn it hurt! I had a heart attack, but why did I have a heart attack?
It crawled at the edge of his memory, which was slowly coming back, and he was terrified of what would come.
He felt someone brushing his forehead and he turned to look at his dad.
"Link is fine."
Shadow's heart began to slow immediately.
"His ribs are broken, but otherwise he got off pretty lucky. Midna's still here at the hospital—she's fine," he added quickly at Shadow's worried expression. "And don't worry about Sheik and his mother." There was something on the edge of his tongue, a cloud that crossed his features before disappearing and he said with a smile, "Everyone went home except you and Midna. You see? It's going to be fine."
He's leaving someone out, Shadow thought. Link and Midna weren't the end, he knew that. After Demise kicked Link in the chest, he'd grabbed Shadow and began taking his heart back. Somebody stopped him.
Vio stopped him. And then Vio beat Demise up. The rest was foggy. He couldn't for the life of him remember any of it.
He pulled a hand away from his dad and first made a peace sign, then raised just his pinky, then made an O with his fingers. He and his dad had learned the alphabet in sign language. It was easier to use at times like this, or when his chest hurt badly before, than using paper and pen.
He'd spelled out Vio.
What's that look, Dad? Why is your face like that? Why are your eyes flicking—why won't you look at me?!
"He went home," his dad insisted, with a tight smile, not the same warmth as before. "He went home, Shadow."
If Vio went home, then everything was fine.
So why did he feel so empty?
After a bit, nurses came in to help Shadow undergo the unpleasant process of extubation. They removed the tubes helping him breathe and do . . . other things. It was nice being able to breathe and drink water on his own.
Having machines do that for you is NOT actually fun.
It didn't feel good to speak, yet, though. And he was so tired. And sore. He was probably on a bunch of painkillers. His IV itched. He kept scratching at the skin around it, and it was raw. When his dad caught him doing it he always pushed his hands away from each other, but even Ganondorf wasn't watching all the time.
He craned his head around to look out the window. In the ICU, it wasn't as important to make sure your patient could look outside at the beginning. Some units didn't even have windows. His, luckily, did. He wondered how long he'd be in here.
It was mostly dark outside, but the sky was lightening up.
He settled back into his bed and placed his hands on his chest, trying to feel his new heartbeat.
I can't believe I have a new heart . . .
His dad had told him earlier. It was the only reason he was still alive.
"Dad, what happened at the stadium? I don't remember everything . . ."
Ganondorf, who was sitting in the chair next to his bed, looked up from his newspaper. He set it aside. "I don't remember much myself, Shadow. I was knocked out. When I woke up, I was here, they told me you had a heart attack at the stadium and were rushed here. I was told you were in surgery. Mrs. Knight was in charge of everything, thank God."
Gramma? Gramma was here? He was touched. It still didn't feel normal to him, to have a grandma, another adult to care about him. I'm gonna have to hug her like CRAZY when I get out of here.
He looked at Ganondorf. "So you don't know what happened after . . ."
"No, I'm sorry. You'll have to ask Sheik. He was with you in the ambulance."
"Oh." He thought of the lightening sky. "Can I see him soon?"
Ganondorf nodded. Then stop mid-nod. "Well, you can certainly call him soon. Right now you're in a sterile environment. The doctor wants as few visitors as possible."
Shadow nodded. He knew the drill. He'd been studying up on this whole procedure for months. His immune system was weak, especially now, and he'd have to be careful of germs for the rest of his life, but he didn't care.
A new heart! I'll be able to run around with my friends, and skateboard, and be a normal teenager again! He tried not to get to excited. There was still a chance his body would reject the heart, or he could die from disease, or he could just NOT go back to being strong. He knew he had to be grateful for anything. He was alive, and would hopefully be alive for a long, long time. His dad wouldn't have to worry about him anymore, his friends wouldn't have to worry, he wouldn't worry them anymore.
He smiled.
Sheik mushed the contents of his cereal absently with his spoon. It had long ago gone soggy. He wasn't even sure why he'd made himself cereal. Routine, maybe. He wasn't hungry.
Footsteps came into the kitchen, and he saw his mother right before she hugged him and kissed his cheek. "Good morning, Sheik. Awake already?"
"Yeah."
"Can't eat?"
"Not really."
"Well maybe I can whip something up that you'll like." She started opening the cupboards like she was on a mission.
"Where's Dad?" Sheik asked, still staring into the bowl.
His mother's face went through a myriad of emotions, as if she considered lying, making something up, or giving false hope, before she finally said, with an honest expression, "I don't know." She sounded hurt and confused.
Sheik's spoon fell from his hand, eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry."
His mother was there in a flash. "What are you saying sorry for? It's not your fault." She sat next to Sheik and put her arms around him, trying to look into his face.
"It IS my fault," he said. "I'm the only reason you aren't together. If I hadn't been born, you'd be together and happy." He looked at her earnestly. "You'd still be happy without me, wouldn't you, Mama?"
Her face stretched with fear. "No," she said firmly. "No. I would be devastated without you. I will never regret having you. You make me the happiest I've ever been. I love you so much, I would never be the same!" She hugged him tightly. "I love you, I love you, I love you! Do you believe me, Sheik? Do you?"
"I guess, Mama. I'll try."
She was filled with rage at her husband, only outdone by her worry for Sheik.
A few hours later, after Shadow fell asleep and didn't realize it UNTIL he woke up, he found the reason he woke up was his door opening. A short, stocky figure with a bunch of orange hair tied in a bun above her head walked in. The medical mask covered most of her round face, and the blue plastic gown she wore over her clothes made her look like a tiny, blue ghost.
Shadow allowed himself a weak laugh, but held most of it in. No sense in wrecking his chest.
"Hiya, Shadow!" Midna said as she walked up to the bed. "The doc said it was okay for me to visit."
"Are you ok?" Shadow asked.
He could see the apples of her cheeks rise above the mask limits. "I'm great! I've got a couple places where there might be scarring—" She shrugged, her voice gaining a slight wobble. "But you know, it's not that bad, considering."
Shadow grinned. "You were amazing."
"Right?! Who knew I had that in me!" She raised her hand, staring at the back of it. "Of course now I'm stuck with this thing again. I was only able to get rid of it because of Vio."
"I'm sure he'll help you get rid of it again," Shadow said.
She nodded. "Yeah. Hey, do you know what happened? I don't remember, and Malon doesn't know, either."
"You got smashed into the ground," Shadow said. "You were out. Sheik's Mom protected you and held you."
"She did?" Midna's eyes became emotional. "Wow."
"After that, though . . ." He shook his head. "I don't remember. Short term memory loss because of my heart attack."
She heaved a sigh. "Well, darn. Guess I'll have to call Sheik. I was gonna do that next, but I wanted to come check on you."
"Aww, thanks, sis!"
She cackled. "So how are you?"
"I'm . . . I'm great. I'm really great. And I'm glad everyone's okay."
They chatted for a bit about Shadow's new heart, then Midna left.
His next visitor came after breakfast, tests, and a pile of other crap—not crap, they're just trying to heal you, Me. Gosh.
Link came in wearing the same protective gear as Midna.
Shadow's grin reached his ears. "Link!"
Link grinned as widely back. He looked weird as he shuffled to the bed excitedly. He wasn't walking quite normally, like he was stiff. He grabbed the handrail with both hands. "I—I—I'd bend over and hug you, but, well—" He scratched behind his head sheepishly.
"Oh right! Dad said your ribs were broken?"
He nodded. "I guess they almost put plates in, but they decided as long as I'm careful, I shouldn't need anything like that."
"Daaaaaaaang, you were epic, though. Thanks for saving my life."
Link looked offended at the gratitude. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?" He reached down and grabbed Shadow's hand tightly. It almost hurt.
Link . . . you're shaking.
"Does it hurt?" Shadow asked.
"Like a . . . a b word."
Link almost cursing. That was funny. He HAD to be in a ton of pain. Shadow remembered he'd even used the F word at the stadium.
Jesus, he'd been terrified. Or angry. I've never seen Link angry.
"Like," Link continued, "It hurts to breathe, talk, laugh, and move at all."
Shadow raised his head slightly. "Link, you didn't have to come here, you could have just called, I don't want you to hurt!"
Link shook his head, not looking at him as he smiled. "I needed to see you for myself. For real. In person. It's okay." He glanced up and squeezed Shadow's hand again. His face became serious. "I almost lost you."
A smirk tried to appear on Shadow's mouth, but the seriousness in Link's face killed it. Shadow found he couldn't joke right now, couldn't make light of the situation. "You didn't," he said encouragingly, wanting Link to feel better and smile again. He was tired of his friends being unhappy because of him—and that was almost in the past!
Link smiled in relief, but he was still serious. "I always say it to Aryll and Grandma, but I don't think I've ever said it to you even though I KNOW you're my brother, so . . ." He looked directly into Shadow's eyes. "I love you, Shadow."
"Wow, I—" At first Shadow felt awkward, but then he thought of the times he'd spent with his family, his long lost family, Granny, Link, Aryll, how used to it he'd gotten, how much he realized he belonged with them, how much he couldn't imagine spending life without them. And he realized, yeah, even though he'd never said it . . . "I love you, too, Link."
"We'll always be brothers, right?"
"Fuck yeah!" Shadow weakly punched the air with his free fist.
Link chuckled, then choked, then said through tears of pain and laughter, "Oh God, it hurts!"
Shadow was choking as well, his own pain and happiness tears threatening to fall. "Dude, same!" He pointed at his chest. "I got an incision up and down my whole torso."
"D-dang! That's brutal!"
"How many ribs are broken, bro?"
"All of them!"
"THAT'S brutal!"
"OH GOD WE NEED TO STOP!"
"I KNOW BUT I DON'T WANT TO!"
They were laughing in pain and happiness for a good minute.
When they'd settled down and caught their breath, Link asked, "So new heart, huh?"
Shadow grinned. "Yes."
Link was laying flat on the couch nearby. "Whose was it?"
"All I know is it was a young person and they died here last—wait, was it last night?"
"Yesterday."
"Yeah. Yesterday."
"So you don't know who it was?"
"Yeah, you're not allowed to know, unless the donor's family signs something saying they don't mind if you find out and then YOU sign something saying YOU want to find out."
"Huh."
"I can't believe everyone's okay," Shadow said, grateful.
Link raised his head. "Even Vio?!"
His surprise alarmed Shadow. "Wh-what? Was it that bad?"
"I . . . I dunno, everyone seemed really worried. He's really okay?"
"Dad said he went home."
Link laid his head back again. "Wow . . ."
"Hey, do you wanna call Sheik?"
"Does he still have his phone? I lost mine."
Shadow grinned. "Me, too. But we can call his parents, right?"
"Do you know their number?"
"Uh . . ."
"Yeah, me either. I don't memorize anybody's phone numbers."
"Right? Me either. In retrospect, that's kind of idiotic, isn't it?"
"What about HySpace? Or InstaChuChu?"
"Oh yeah!"
"That requires an internet connection and a . . . phone."
"Dang it."
"Oh well, I'm sure he'll come visit soon."
"Yeah. Puh! I wanna know what happened!"
The door opened, and a nurse came in, announcing, "Hey Shadow! Are you ready to do some exercise?"
"Aawwww, maaaaan, do I HAVE to?"
"You're doing great, Shadow, are you up to one more circuit around the unit?"
"Y-y-yeeeeeees," Shadow crooned in a purposely trembly voice. He had one hand on his IV pole, rolling it along with him, the nurse was holding his gown closed in the back, and he hobbled slowly. Very slowly.
"What are you doing?" the nurse asked in amusement.
"I'm an old la-ha-ha-haaaaady!" Shadow grinned.
"You must be feeling better if you can joke around."
She has NO idea! Shadow was all but giddy, and it wasn't the pain meds. Those didn't get him high, anyways.
I'm finally alive. I'm FINALLY alive!
Sheik put on the protective gear like the nurse showed him, and slipped into the room. He was nervous about what he'd see, but Shadow looked rather normal. He was sleeping peacefully, hands resting on his chest. Sheik studied him for a while, standing next to his bed. He wondered if it was the last time he'd see Shadow in the hospital like this. His mind went back to the last time, when Shadow had his heart attack. It seemed like ages ago that he snuck into his friend's hospital room and sang to his comatose form. He said with a laugh, "Asshole. You're always asleep when I come visit you in the hospital!"
Shadow didn't stir. Sheik held his hand for a minute, then said, "I'll come back later, okay? I promise."
It was more of a promise to himself, to give him something to hold onto, something that required a future in which he existed.
He waited a little bit, but it was clear Shadow was out for at least the next few hours, so Sheik left.
Five large gashes, each a few inches apart, trailed across Vio's right side, from the base of his hip to his chest. There was more bloody clothing on that side than not.
"Oh my God, oh my god, Vio!" Shadow leaned over him, taking his face in his right hand. The pain in his left arm was creeping to his neck. "Vio, Vio speak to me! You've gotta stay awake!" He sobbed.
Vio's wild eyes finally turned on him. His hand came and gripped Shadow's shirt, pulling him down slightly. "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
"Stop, just stop, just rest—"
"WHY DID I DO THIS FOR YOU?"
The accusatory look in his eyes sent guilt through Shadow. He clutched at the hand gripping his shirt. "I'm sorry!" He sobbed uncontrollably. "I'm sorry!"
Suddenly Vio's grip loosened, and he laid his head back against the turf, the anger leaving his face entirely. He still looked at Shadow. "Who am I kidding?"
"What?"
"I love you."
Shadow was gasping for breath, his chest so tight. "What?" He leaned closer. "Vio, what?" He patted Vio's face. "Vio? VIO?!" Shadow screamed his name, over and over, his pats turning to slaps, trying make his eyes stay open, but they didn't. Panic filled him, and he screamed, he screamed!
Until suddenly, he couldn't anymore.
The pain in his chest reached a peak.
He seized.
Shadow shot up in bed, and he remembered where he was. "DAD! DAD!" He didn't care how much it hurt, he screamed again, "DAD!"
A loud bonking and shuffling answered him first as the behemoth of a man woke with a start and tried to get up immediately. "What? Shadow, what is it?!"
All that blood, there was so much blood . . . Shadow dropped his face in his hands, struggling to breathe. "V-Vio. I know what happened, I remember."
Vio wouldn't wake up. It felt like he was back at the stadium. He wouldn't wake up, he wouldn't, I'm losing him, I'm losing—I'm los—I'm—
"Dad, you said he went home. How could he go home?!"
There was no way he could possibly be okay enough to go home. Midna only had a few burns and even she had been kept overnight.
He looked at his dad in confusion.
His dad looked pained. He lowered his gaze.
"Dad," Shadow said, panic rising inside him. "Dad, you said he went home."
Ganondorf took Shadow's hand in both of his. Shadow was in too much shock to rip it away, but he wanted to. "Shadow, when I said that, I meant . . . they released his body. His body went home."
He thought he couldn't hear it. He couldn't unhear it.
"I'm sorry," his dad said in great distress. "I needed you to get better, I couldn't tell you—"
"DAD."
Ganondorf shut up.
Shadow's breathing was shallow. He wasn't yet reacting to Vio being dead. There was one more horrible thought he needed to air. He looked at his dad in horror. "My heart," he said. "It came from a young man who died in the hospital that day. Dad." He couldn't believe he was even saying this. "Do I have Vio's heart?!"
His father broke down, a tear falling down his cheek. "I'm so sorry, Shadow."
Vio's dead.
His heart's inside me.
They put his heart inside me!
His fingers scrabbled at the incision on his chest, trying to rip himself open. "NO!"
Ganondorf grabbed his hands desperately before they could pull out the metal staples.
Shadow fought him wildly. "NO, DAD, GIVE IT BACK!" He pleaded, urgently. "HE'S NEEDS HIS HEART, HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT! HE NEEDS IT!"
"SHADOW!" Ganondorf struggled to lock his arms away, but Shadow fought his grip with manic desperation. "HE'S GONE!" Ganondorf cried.
It struck Shadow like a brick.
His struggling ceased. Ganondorf looked directly into Shadow's panicking eyes. "He's gone."
Shadow whimpered. They didn't kill Vio to take his heart. Of course not. And it's not like he's in the next room waiting for them to put his heart back in.
He died.
Every nerve felt like it was in that point between asleep and waking. He rolled away from Ganondorf, sure he was going to throw up his new heart.
Vio's heart.
He sobbed.
Grimacing in pain, Shadow placed a hand over his—Vio's heart, and felt it beating hard. The machines next to his bed beeped wildly, the cardiograph erratic. It's Vio's heart, not mine. I don't deserve this. He scrunched his eyes shut, pain worse than anything he'd ever experienced ripping through his body as he dry heaved—but it wasn't the incision spanning almost his entire torso, the broken collarbone, or the sore, bruised muscles surrounding it all. This pain was deeper than any he'd ever felt, worse than when the skin had been burned off his arms. It was a pain of absolute nothingness, the absence of Vio, a silence unbreakable by any means Shadow knew. An absence he couldn't break. He couldn't go to Vio's house and demand to be seen, and his body, he couldn't believe it. His hands opened and closed on air, feeling nothing but air, knowing they'd never feel Vio there, but he kept trying to. He tried to remember how he felt, and it made him ache worse. He closed his eyes. What good were they? Vio was nowhere to be seen and would never be seen again. Nothing was worth seeing anymore.
Skin burned off? No problem.
Heart ripped out? No sweat.
Chest sliced in half? Easy!
Losing Vio?
That's open heart surgery.
This can't be happening.
A day earlier...
"Were you aware your brother was an organ donor?"
Nothing felt real. Blue sat in the chair opposite the doctor, in the privacy of an empty waiting room. It was some small waiting room with no windows, for people who needed a bit more privacy. The doctor had taken him here after pulling him from the waiting room. "What?" He looked at her, struggling to focus on her through the stinging in his eyes.
"The learner's permit in his wallet," the doctor continued, "it indicates he chose to be an organ donor." She held out the permit, which was stained by blood, even though it had obviously been cleaned.
That one little thing seemed to solidify in Blue's mind that Vio was really gone.
Blue took the permit from her, inspected it, staring at the little red heart wonderingly. Vio? An organ donor?
Why?
The doctor continued, "Right now your brother's body is still connected to machines keeping blood flowing through his body. It has to be this way for the organs to remain viable. It's very lucky he died here, and not on the field, or we wouldn't be able to use his body at all."
Blue was calming down. Vio was dead. He chose to be an organ donor. Probably some immortality kick or something, knowing him. The thought almost made him smile. But he didn't want to. He didn't want anybody to touch Vio's body . . . but what choice did he have? "Can I see him beforehand?"
"I'm sorry," the doctor continued. "but we're in a bit of a time crunch, which is why I'm here. We already have a match for his heart, and that person doesn't have much time left. I'd like to get everything situated immediately so I can get into surgery."
"So why are you talking to me?"
She placed a hand on Blue's wrist. "Because he is a minor, I need your permission to proceed."
Blue stared up at the doctor, beginning to shake. "Are you fucking kidding me? You want ME to make that decision? ME?"
The doctor's eyes widened and she squeezed his wrist. "It's alright," she said gently, "you don't have to. You don't have to make that decision, Blue. I know this is irregular, and normally it would be a case worker talking to you, not me."
Blue collected himself, somehow. "Where's the paperwork?"
"Are you sure?" The doctor eyed him carefully.
"Is it Shadow?" Blue asked bluntly. "Shadow Dragmire?"
"I can't say . . . Yes." The doctor nodded. "Yes. It's Shadow."
His temple throbbed painfully, but Blue nodded. "Then it's . . . what he would have wanted."
"Okay." The doctor stood, quickly but carefully pulling papers off of her clipboard.
"Are you going to take all of him? Can I at least see him first?" There was desperation in his voice.
"We'll only take what you agree to," the doctor said, pausing once more. "The case worker will be in with you shortly to go over everything, but is there anything you don't want us to take?"
Blue thought for a minute. "His face. My brothers need something to see." His eyes lowered to his lap. "I need something to see."
The doctor nodded. "We won't touch anything on his head. You'll be able to see him, after, I promise." She set down papers in front of him. "I need you to sign these just for now, and in just a moment a case worker will be in with you to work on the rest of the paperwork. Thank you!"
Blue nodded, taking the papers and pen, and he didn't shake at all.
Signing all of the papers, getting guided through the process and everything, took at least an hour. By the time Blue made it back to the waiting room, back to Red and Green, he was spent. He had no words left, and no strength.
"Blue?" said Red. He was still sitting in the same spot, Green rising from his lap when Blue stumbled over to them.
"Blue, what happened? What did the doctor want?"
He fell to his knees and hid his face in Red's lap, a sob escaping him, followed by more whimpering sobs, high pitched and out of control.
"Blue," Red said again, placing his arms on Blue's back. Now his own chest was tight, and tears fell down his cheeks again, slowly. "Blue, what did you do?" His voice trembled.
Blue sat in Vio's bedroom, going through his closet, looking for something . . .
To bury him in.
He kept falling apart. He knew Red would be with him, but Blue didn't want him here. He didn't want the others here. He needed to do this himself, and not put them through this. Not right now. Maybe after the funeral.
It was worth falling apart so they didn't have to. Red was beside himself, no matter what he said, and Green was fucking thirteen and confused.
So Blue fell apart.
He kept finding notes Vio had written during his studies, or that cup of juice he'd left unfinished on his nightstand, or the calendar.
The fucking calendar. Plans on days ahead that Vio wouldn't get to follow through with.
He held onto a shirt of Vio's, pulling it to his face and sobbing into it, his knees suddenly weak. He sat roughly on the end of his brother's bed—and felt something under the mattress.
Confused, he reached under and pulled it out.
It was a notebook.
Vio's? Well duh. I'm such a fucking idiot. He sat back down and opened it, flipping through it. It became apparent to Blue that Vio had been recording his struggles against the voices in his head, his violent thoughts and desires, and . . . Everything. Everything Vio thought was right here in his hands. Oh my God, he thought. Vio, you had it rough. I'm sorry. He couldn't stop reading, and yet, the more he did, the closer he felt to Vio, but also the more unhappy he felt.
The writing began normal enough, but in later entries it got crazier and crazier:
I love Shadow, but I hate him, he's so fucking annoying!
I just want to be with him, that's all
I don't want to hurt him, though
Fucking BLUE and his fucking BULLSHIT
I hate them, I hate them all!
Why am I this way?!
BURN THEM! BURN THEM ALL!
TWIST THEIR BODIES
SCREAM TIL THEY'RE DEAD
Why does Shadow care? I know he cares, I know it, I can see it. I can see that he feels it.
I just want to die, I'm tired, tired, so fucking tired
I can't feel anything, and it hurts, and everything hurts
What do you want from me?
I would like to be normal, just once. I wish I could tell Shadow I love him, but I don't know how to love. I spend my whole life watching other people connect, giving each other their feelings, and I want to feel that so badly. What does that feel like? Every time I try it's just like—
Shadow's blood on my face just sounds so dope.
It's stupid.
I don't want to be like this.
I want to know how it feels to give someone my heart.
A/N
When I started writing this story, it was June 2015, I believe. A couple months later I lost my younger brother. This story is how I got through it. I know a lot of you might be mad about what I did to Vio, but I hope you understand why it had to be that way for me. It's why I took a two year break from the story. I knew what was coming and I didn't want to write it. I fought with myself for two years. Maybe I could change it? Let Vio stay alive? But you know what? Sometimes life isn't like that. Some of us get left behind. But even though I lost him, I wouldn't trade a second I spent with him for anything. I want you to know that even if in the end you don't win, it's still worth it to try. Every second you can try to fight mental illness is worth it, even if it's something totally different that takes you away.
If you're having thoughts like that, here's a bunch of hotlines which I hope this website allows:
Argentina: +5402234930430
Australia: 131114
Austria: 142; for children and young people, 147
Belgium: 106
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Botswana: 3911270
Brazil: 188 for the CVV National Association
Canada: 6, 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Croatia: 014833888
Denmark: +4570201201
Egypt: 7621602
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
France: 0145394000
Germany: 08001810771
Holland: 09000767
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
Hungary: 116123
India: 8888817666
Ireland: +4408457909090
Italy: 800860022
Japan: +810352869090
Mexico: 5255102550
New Zealand: 0800543354
Norway: +4781533300
Philippines: 028969191
Poland: 5270000
Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50
Russia: 0078202577577
Spain: 914590050
South Africa: 0514445691
Sweden: 46317112400
Switzerland: 143
United Kingdom: 08457909090
USA: 18002738255
Veterans' Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255
