Chapter 8

Her first mission had shown her the true and horrible parts of being an Anbu member in times of war. The Iwa ninja, younger than her, had been nothing in comparison to the Iwa hunter Nin that they had been tracking. The closer they got, the more villages, small and insignificant, had been annihilated. Homes were torched and children and men and women laid butchered on the ground. The blood and buzzing of insects crawling over rotting bodies brought on a sense of familiarity as she remembered the similar state of Kemuri.

She hadn't become a Kunoichi to fight or to protect, but a part of her felt the anger and injustice of it all.

For a moment, she thought about turning into a cloud of smoke, and floating away in the direction of the wind. A part of her wanted to escape the slaughter and the stench and the blood. When she lost her body, she wouldn't be able to smell the stench of decay or feel the heat of the burning villages or feel the buzz of flies around her face.

At that moment, she knew why Anbu wore masks.

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"Your first mission was a success," the Third Hokage stated as Anomie handed in her report, placing it on his desk with a calm bow as her white hair fell over her shoulders. She now wore the official Anbu uniform, finding that it fit snug and tight across her chest. The Third Hokage's face was unreadable. "I read Saru's report..."

Anomie mused the idea of how fast the monkey had turned it in while she took a day. Kiss ass.

"You did well," the Third said, his fingers crossed in each other, covering the lower half of his face while his elbows rested against the desk.

"Thank you," she felt her chest swell with pride, but she was quick to not let it show since he was basically complimenting her skill in killing 20 ninja, 14 who were children.

"Is Anbu making you welcome?" He asked, and she remembered the moment she had asked to be in the Cat Division, so many weeks ago. She single-handedly chose to be in the assassination unit, but not a single doubt lingered in her mind after feeling first-hand what it was like to truly kill.

"It isn't what I expected," she said slowly, her head still bowed so all she could see was the hardwood floor and the small crevice underneath the giant wooden desk. "But it's not horrible."

The Hokage didn't say anything to that, and she bowed her head one last time, making a motion to leave. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but his eyes were sad and hesitant.

"Team Kakashi came back from mission three days ago," the Hokage stated and she felt her shoulders tense, feeling happy for a mere moment before his sad eyes flashed in front of her eyes.

"..." She wanted to ask, but she didn't want him to answer. She didn't want to know, but at the same time her lips opened and closed as she became even more grateful that the mask hid her expression.

"Nohara Rin...unfortunately didn't make it back alive."

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It was ironic, rotten luck, and yet, Anomie was unable to cry. Even as she watched the cremated remains lowered into the ground. Tears surrounded her and the sakura blossoms drifted in small pink petals to the ground. Rin didn't have a clan, so there was no family crypt. There was just a hole in the ground, surrounded by headstones.

She didn't recognize most of the people who cried for her, and most, considering the ages, could have been in Rin's graduation class. More than half were in tears and she heard whispers of how kind and sacrificing a person Rin had always been. Most probably didn't know Rin at all. Most couldn't answer what her favorite color had been, which type of seashell she had always liked to decorate the house with, what she looked like when she cried.

They probably barely knew Rin at all and yet they were able to cry while Anomie only stood, watching as the hole was sealed off, sakura petals falling in with them.

She stood there, standing and unmoving, even after everyone else had left. She couldn't budge from her place and she barely blinked as she felt the heat of spring slowly cloud over with a rough breeze, threatening to take her away. The sun had begun to set by the time she felt someone stand by her side.

She didn't have to ask who it was or look his way. She didn't have to ask if he was okay or if he had been able to cry. She didn't want to speak. She only wanted to float away in the wind and allow it to scatter her body into nothing. She wanted to evaporate and lose all form, but she couldn't. She could only stand still and shiver in the cold.

She didn't know how Rin died, she didn't need to know and she didn't have the stomach to ask. All she knew was her body had been impaled and there hadn't been too much blood because her flesh had been seared through by some kind of raw heat that had cauterized her flesh. She wanted to ask about it, especially since the whispers of Kakashi friend-killer surfaced in the ranks.

She knew he wasn't malicious, but what was she supposed to think when the only information she had gotten had been malicious rumors.

"She really loved you," that was all she chose to say, and she knew her words hurt him the moment she allowed herself to speak. She could feel it in his rigid posture from next to her. She knew it would hurt him before she opened her mouth, and a small part of her wanted to hurt him. "But it's not your fault. It was never your fault." She forced the words out, and they came out more genuine and sincere than she had thought she could muster.

She bit her lip until she felt her skin break. She couldn't stand here next to Rin's killer and she wanted to leave. She wanted to run away so badly that her legs shook and her fingers trembled. They trembled so much that she slowly slipped her hand in his to make them stop. He froze and his hand didn't squeeze back, even as she tried to rid herself of all her hateful thoughts.

She was afraid her body would disappear into smoke for a mere moment, but slowly the feeling of him returning her gentle tug broke her out of her stupor.

His voice, so low and close to agony, tore away her hateful thoughts. "I'm sorry."

She realized in that moment, that it was impossible to truly hate him. She hated herself too much for that.

She hated herself for not being strong enough to protect Rin, for not being there to protect her, for not being able to spend more time with her, for not being able to cry.

She hated herself and she tried to shift the blame without knowing why.

She only squeezed his hand, tight in her fist as if he would break and crumble without her there to anchor him in place. Perhaps it was the same for her, and he was her anchor and last line to Rin.

She didn't know. She didn't want to ask and even as her heart pounded in her chest, so blindingly painful, she still didn't show any emotion and didn't cry. She wondered, briefly, if Kakashi thought her to be a cruel woman, but his hand in hers made her think otherwise.

She didn't hate him.

But she just didn't understand why Rin had to die.

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A week passed, slow and agonizing with her pressing every thought and effort into missions. They were quick, almost fleeting as the war effort had begun to quiet as Sunagakure began to launch more attacks in cooperation with Konoha. This had been the first mission where Anomie saw Konoha's 'Yellow Flash' in battle.

Watching him fight made her head clear with awe as he single-handedly took down more than half of the enemies before many of the other ninja had time to finish a Jutsu. She suspected the loss of both of his students had taken a greater toll on his mind than he appeared, and all he wanted was for the war to end.

She didn't speak to him, even after sitting across from him for an hour as they waited to ambush the enemy. She didn't really know anything about Minato Namikaze, except for the fact that his students had died on his watch. She couldn't hate him, even if she wanted to, and how she wanted to. She wanted to hate something, but all she could do was fight.

All she could do was kill.

All she could was give her life for the village that took her in and gave her purpose.

She didn't want revenge, but at the same time she wanted to burn down the forest and lie amongst the ashes and watch as smoke clouded the sky until the blue turned grey.

Maybe, in some way, she was only running to her death, but she was afraid that if she stopped for a moment of mercy...

...death would impale her as well.

But it was strange, going from the gore of the battlefield and coming back through Konoha's gates where it looked like nothing had changed. No matter who died, people here lived on and in a way that was comforting.

Children still laughed and ran to academy where they would be trained to fight in the war to take the place of the kids who had died. It was a cycle and it almost seemed like it would never end.

Up until it did and the Third Hokage took responsibility for the losses by stepping down from his rank and seat that had aged and changed him. She wasn't surprised when Minato Namikaze took the seat next, and watching his yellow hair and Hokage's coat wrapped around his shoulders, made him look like the hero everyone called him.

She didn't smile, but a part of her knew that this man would bring peace. There wouldn't be another Kemuri, where innocent lives that hadn't done anything but live wouldn't be butchered like soldiers.

She wasn't happy, but she belonged somewhere.

And that would have to do for now.

She saw a scruff of white hair in the crowd as she leaned against the tower where Minato stood, high above the audience of villagers and Shinobi and Kunoichi who watched their new leader. She didn't realize her eyes had been searching for him until they finally rested on his slumped form. He didn't look particularly happy, and his stance was lazy.

Mostly he looked almost empty, as if he didn't have the energy to do anything but walk around and stare with a stoic expression. Was that what she looked like too? The thought didn't rest well, so she closed her eyes, adjusting to the darkness of her Anbu mask as she straightened her stance.

She still hadn't gone back to Rin's house. She hadn't even tried, but a part of her knew that Rin had no family and that eventually, she'd have to do something about that place. For now, however, she didn't go near the eastern district of Konoha, but soon she would need to clean it out because there was no way she could live there.

Her thoughts strayed away as Minato made a small, commemorative speech that she only half listened to. He promised peace and a united force of elemental countries; which she found hard to believe consider she still wanted to see those villages go up in flames

By the time the speeches were done, Konoha seemed lighter with the aspect of a peace treaty being in full affect. Obviously, they had no idea that many ninja in Kumo, Kiri, and even Iwa weren't so quick to give up attacks. Hatred and mistrust still lingered and the old Daimyo had betrayed Konoha's secrets to the enemy, not expecting Konoha to come out of the war.

She took one last, sparring look at Kakashi as he walked away from the crowd before she followed behind the new Hokage with the Owl at her side.

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"Haven't seen you for a long time, An-chan~" Came Genma's happy comment as he threw an arm around Anomie's shoulder. "My heart still hasn't forgotten you." Raidō scoffed from her left, adjusting the red bandage that covered his nose. Kurenai and Asuma sat side by side while Gai leaned up against the opening wall of the dango shop, eating and searching the crowd.

"I wish I could say the same," Anomie stated, her voice coming out blank while Kurenai shot her a sympathetic glance that she didn't fully understand.

After a couple mission in Anbu, Anomie had officially suffered through another tattoo on her shoulder, which she was now forced to cover, making most of her outfits pretty much useless. It seemed, no matter how many times she asked, no one would let her get the Anbu mark on her butt or some place convenient. She asked for it on the back of her neck, just under her Oiran marking, but that was apparently out of dress code.

"So cold, An-chan," Genma pouted, still not removing his arm. She did notice that he was slightly more...considerate than usual, and she knew why even though she didn't say anything. No one brought up Rin, which she was thankful for, especially since she had no desire to be emotional around someone like Genma. She was fairly certain that he would never let her forget it if she did.

Genma lifted up a stick of three colorful dango and held it to her face.

"How about we share like a normal couple?" He suggested and she was slightly tempted to either laugh or stab him in the eye with pointy end of the stick.

"Genma," Kurenai warned and Anomie saw the exasperated expression on both their faces before deciding to cut the tension by taking a bite of Genma's dango. Said boy obviously didn't expect that as his cheeks inflamed in red.

"I-Indirect kiss," he muttered, and Anomie almost wanted to smack him in the face for making it awkward.

"That's it. I'm done," she stood up and brushed his arm off her shoulder. "See ya Kurenai, Raidō, Asuma." She waved behind her.

"My love," Genma stood up, almost sarcastically, accidentally spilling Kurenai's tea before she had a chance to say goodbye.

"My tea!" Kurenai then proceeded to kicking the senbon mouthed jackass until he fell back to the bench.

"Hey," Gai said, stopping Anomie from walking away completely. His voice was oddly serious and his eyes were troubled.

It was hard to mock someone when they looked at her so earnestly, so she turned towards him, waiting for him to speak.

"You haven't seen Kakashi around lately?" Gai asked and Anomie stood still, not sure how to answer without coming off like a bitch. She still had mixed feelings about hating the silver haired, masked boy, but she didn't want anyone else to know that.

"I haven't," she slowly replied, as if the words hurt to come out.

"He's different...he's more of a loner lately," Gai's serious tone was started to freak her out. "Rin's...death," Gai looked reluctant to say it in front of Anomie, although she didn't know why, "changed him...we didn't know her very much, but you did."

It didn't take her long to realize what he was asking her to do, and she found her eyes narrowing for a split second before going back to its normal shape as her lips continued to innocently purse. "I don't think he needs friends right now, Gai-san. If he's avoiding people, he's doing it because that's what he needs to do."

Gai's eyes heated up with fiery passion, "I refuse to let him crawl inside himself and brood."

She tilted her head to the side, "Well, if anyone can get through to him, it's you."

"You're right. I will challenge him!" Gai suddenly darted off, ironically just as Kakashi walked by with his hands in his pockets and his eye to the ground.

She almost ignored him, but Gai's words struck her deeper than she expected and she caught Kurenai's concerned eye before standing still, watching Kakashi disappear behind a corner. She could still feel his Chakra, so she knew he didn't get far, but it was only a matter of time when she would lose its location since Chakra sensing wasn't her strong point. She sighed, walking the same path as him and matching Kakashi's pace. She watched him pick up a book from the ground, wasting no time to buy it while she read the morbid title about Shinobi death.

She rubbed her temples before walking in front of him. He looked surprised and she almost found herself pouting. "Gai says you've been avoiding people."

He didn't look surprised and merely stared at her with a blank stare. "Gai says a lot of things."

She didn't question it as he shoved the book in his pocket. "I need your help."

He raised a single brow, and she softened her expression so he wouldn't think she hated him, even though that possibility was debatable. "I'm a little busy."

She slightly smiled, thinking it was cute that he thought he had a choice. "I need your help moving some items out of Rin's house." She left out the part of donating said house to the village, but she figured it was to be expected since Rin put her name on the lease a couple months ago, leaving her to take care of the mess.

Kakashi's form froze, and she had no doubt that her request was slightly cruel, but Anomie always did have a blunt way of dealing with situations. "I can't do it by myself..."

For a moment, Kakashi saw the tiniest glimmer of weakness in the girl's eyes, before it disappeared altogether. He noticed she was uncomfortable, from the way her arms crossed over her chest to the way her body was distant and her legs were stuck together with no gaps except for the tiny thigh gap that was apparent from her dark leggings.

He wanted to decline, but leaving her to do the dirty work all by herself didn't make him comfortable. Even so, rejection was still lingering on his lips and she let out a small sigh, her eyes gentle as they met his.

"You don't have to, but I'll start on it in two hours. You can either show up or not," she took a step closer, her gaze getting stronger. "It's up to you. I'm pretty strong, so if you don't show up, there's no harm done."

She didn't give him the chance to respond as she turned around and left him standing there, the book he had picked up suddenly feeling heavier in his pocket.

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The new Hokage held a meeting, gathering Anbu and deciding which ones would stay on in the ranks and which ones were to be replaced for his new position. Anomie hadn't seen it coming, and just when she thought her rank would be taken away from her, he smiled and kept her on as the Cat. In a way, she was confused, as she wasn't nearly as skilled as many of the ones he had dismissed, but there wasn't a moment to question it before the meeting ended and the Anbu bowed and many body flickered out.

Anomie decided to use the door, since her skill in Shunshin no Jutsu wasn't yet perfect. She still hadn't gotten the landing down quite well, so her crashes often put a test to the idea that cats always land on their feet. That being said, she'd prefer to not end up falling into a dumpster again.

Minato's voice stopped her musing thoughts before she could escape the room and she turned back towards the door to get a better look at the new Hokage. For a moment she thought she was in trouble, as she didn't feel very comfortable with one on one conversation with her superiors. She never had, but her mask kept her frown hidden as she took a step closer and knelt just as she heard his voice say, "Koneko." Her code name in Anbu wasn't her favorite, but it seemed like it stuck after the initial meetings with the Third Hokage.

"Yondaime," she greeted, hearing him chuckle.

"I hope to get used to that title soon," Minato said, and she slightly smiled at his easy voice, soothing her thoughts. "I was thinking of placing you on an official team. Your skill sets have impressed me, especially considering your abilities have risen so fast."

She stayed silent, feeling oddly proud to be complimented by one as strong as the Namikaze Hokage. She didn't want to sound arrogant, so she decided to stay silent.

"You will meet your new team in a couple days, so show up bright and early for that. Rest and get lots of sleep," he stated and she was close to protesting before she caught the definite resolution in his eyes.

"Yes, Hokage-sama," she agreed and he smiled.

"I'm counting on you," he replied, and she decided that she wanted to get out faster, so she nodded her head and body flickered away.

Her landing on top of the dumpster didn't hurt so much, but she swiftly kicked it in anger as she jumped onto the roof to get away from her obvious failure and slight embarrassment. She'd get it right one day; sadly the Jutsu wasn't as easy as she thought it would be when Saru had showed it to her.

Her mood soured the moment she landed in front of Rin's front door.

She was tempted to set the building on fire so she wouldn't have to think about it anymore, but she forced herself to get the key from under the welcome mat. She hovered it over the lock for a long string of consecutive seconds before she turned the key and unlocked the door. It squeaked as she opened it and her legs shook when she took a step inside the darkened house that hadn't been touched for a month with thick coating of dust that almost made her want to cough.

It took a moment to adjust to the darkness as she closed the door behind her, too lazy to close it all the way as she reached for the light switch, finding that nothing happened as she flicked it up.

She sighed, walking to the kitchen as her feet remembered the way as she got out a candle from the pantry and used her Chakra to flare on her pointer finger to ignite the fuse. She did the same for eight more candles since the sun had already began to set, making little to no light fill any of the rooms.

As soon as she finished, she kind of just stood there in the middle of the room. The first thing that her eyes rested on was a dead flower. There was no residue of Rin's Chakra, and Anomie felt her heart swell in her chest as she took a small step forward. Her hand trembled as she reached out to it and the moment her fingers wrapped around the vase she tossed it to the ground. It shattered upon impact and Anomie's eyes squeezed shut.

The flower never protected anyone...all it did was take up Rin's Chakra and give nothing back.

She took a deep breath, glancing around the room. There was a small picture frame on the table, just in front of the couch. She slowly walked to it, seeing it was a picture of Rin's team, with Rin smiling in the middle while Obito and Kakashi stood on both sides with Minato happily behind them.

Her expression disappeared as she slowly placed the frame back down, her eyes catching onto another frame that she had to hold over a light to see. It was her and Rin, although, Anomie couldn't remember when it had been taken; which wasn't surprising as she was asleep and Rin was grinning at the camera.

She bit her bottom lip with her fist clenched at her side as her fingers squeezed the frame so hard that a crack broke through, just above Rin's stomach and over Anomie's sleeping head.

She quickly put it down and brought out one of boxes Rin stored in the closet. It took her a moment to realize her hands were shaking as she tried to ignore everything she threw in each box. Doing so, made her much clumsier than normal and she felt her hand scrap against a piece of glass that she accidentally shattered with her much too tight grip of one of the picture frames.

She froze as the thin cut began to drip with blood, watching as it dripped onto the ground, one drop at a time.

She didn't know how long she watched the blood splatter until a hand gently grabbed her wrist and cover wound in a small bandage. She glanced up, slightly surprised to be caught completely unaware. Her eyes met Kakashi's single eye and she tried to smile, but found the expression wouldn't come to her.

She barely noticed how his hand still held hers, just like she barely noticed the tiny sting of the cut.

A small part of her wanted to pull him close and make herself forget Rin, but another part of her wanted to evaporate and set the house on fire.

She wasn't sure how long they stared in each other eyes before she pressed her head against his shoulder. They were basically the same height, so the action wasn't too awkward as she felt him stiffen the moment her head came in contact.

"There's a lot of dust in this room," she mumbled, feeling her eyes begin to water. He didn't say anything, but he also didn't push her away. He just stood still with his eyes closing so he wouldn't have to use the same excuse to cry.

He felt her shoulders slightly shake as she held in her sobs, feeling the material that covered over his neck begin to get damp. He had never seen her frown or yell or show any sorrowful emotion before, and his hand moved on their own to press gently on her back.

Her fingers tightly gripped the material of his shirt as he glanced down at her, her Anbu mask strapped against her neck while her white hair was in two braids that went past her shoulder blades.

He wasn't certain how long they stood there, in the darkness of Rin's house, but by the time he noticed his eyes were damp, all the candles had already burned out.

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She didn't remember falling asleep, but by the time her eyes opened she noticed she was in an unfamiliar, dreary grey room with only one window to fill the apartment up with very little light. The sound of water and excessive scrubbing was what released her from a restless sleep. She slowly sat up, finding herself still in her Anbu uniform and covered in a thin blanket on top of a tatami mat.

She glanced up and saw the door to the room was opened, and she slowly sat up and saw her shoes had been taken off, leaving her in white socks. They were thin enough to feel the cold ground underneath. She closed her eyes, recognizing Kakashi's Chakra, still lingering on the mat and the residue of it filled the room. She slowly walked out the door, making sure to not make any noise as she saw Kakashi's tense back, excessively scrubbing his hands in the sink.

The closer she got, the more she noticed he was shaking. By time she was directly behind him she saw he still didn't notice her presence and she began to grow worried.

She grabbed his arm, and his form tensed in reaction until his other hand pressed against her throat and pushed her back against the counter with his form leaning over her as if he didn't recognize what he had done. Moments later he let go of her throat and slammed his back against the wall before sliding down until his head was tucked in between his knees.

Her fingers glided over her throat, feeling a slight bruises that she swiftly ignored as she knelt down next to him. Her eyes stared upon his reddened hands, slightly damp and sore from scrubbing. He didn't react when she placed his hands in hers. Her eyes ghosted over him curiously as she saw, for the first time, his left eye had a red scar going down along with a spiral eye, red and dark while his other was normal. She didn't question as she pressed his hands in hers, using her sleeves to wipe off the water.

His eyes connected to hers as she pressed her other palm against his forehead, using the back of her hand to linger against his cheek, still covered in a mask. She sighed, and stood up, going through a couple cupboards before finally finding the glasses. She filled one with water and walked back to him, kneeling down and placing it next to his left side. He glanced at it before his eyes met hers once more.

"I can't get the blood off," he finally muttered, glancing down at his hands.

At that moment, she refused to believe anyone could call him a friend killer.

She slid next to him and pressed her head against his shoulder, making sure to keep a certain distance as she grabbed both his hands and covered them with her own. She made sure that he couldn't see his own hands as she held them close to her while his white and fluffy hair, still messy from waking up, tickled her forehead.

As long as he couldn't see his hands, she knew he wouldn't see any blood. And she even though she didn't fully understand the situation, even though she didn't understand why Rin died or how she died, Anomie held onto him as he sat next to her, holding onto him to keep him steady.

And it was quiet, but in that silence, she felt his fingers squeeze against her own before his head rested on hers.

As long as he leaned against her, her head was silent, with no horrid thoughts or ringing chimes. She wondered if he noticed that...

...he had stopped trembling.


Author's Note

Picking this chapter's flower name was a real pain in the ass. Shiz man. Shiz. But I did it. I found the flower. Researched it to. By the time I'm done with this series, Imma know more about flowers than I ever thought I would. More about flowers than is healthy. Anyway.

トウワタ属 or rather Tō watazoku, in English it is called Asclepias (Syriaca). Actually, that's not English either. It is also called the Milkweed (Cousin of the butterfly flower Asclepias (Tuberosa)). With all my knowledge of Japanese, I can successfully say, that I didn't know how to translate the 'syriaca' part.

Tō Watazoku can mean Sorrowful remembrance, and sometimes 'let me go' (although this mostly applies to the cousin flower Tuberosa). The name of the Milkweed, asclepias, derives from the Greek God Aeskulap, the god of healing. Asklepios, bearer of a serpent-entwined staff and son of Apollo, was such a skilled healer that he was said to be able to raise the dead.

Milkweed as a flower essence is used to raise the soul from a state of lethargy and regressive helplessness, to help it to incarnate and to wake up a pathologically withdrawing ego (Kaminski and Katz).

See what I mean about my useless knowledge of flowers. What am I doing with my life?

Anyway, Anomie was a bit of a bitch in this chapter. But I couldn't just make her get over the fact that Kakashi killed her only friend. I'm trying to make her have flaws, and I've noticed a few writers tend to give their characters all the knowledge that a view of the show Naruto would have, which is kind of unbelieveable. Example being in Gaara love stories, it is easy for us as the viewer to see Gaara as a loveable panda, but a person in Naruto wouldn't think that when he sand coffin'ed somebody for shits and giggles.

So infinite understanding of a Kakashi being a good guy right off the bat wasn't something I wanted to do. Luckily, Anomie has this thing called 'tact' which she picked up after years of being subjectated and objectified by men. She doesn't show her disgust of a person outwardly, and is quite good at hiding her loathing of Kakashi at Rin's funeral and after. So I hope I didn't get that many dislikes of Anomie's passive aggressive behavior in this chapter, even if she did purposely go out of her way to make my Kaka-kun feel like shit. Ehehehe.

Also, Rin dying was bound to happen eventually. I was planning it from the beginning, but after this point where Anomie becomes a part of Anbu is were the timeline starts to change a bit. Quite a bit actually. I wanted minor details to tie into larger changes.

It kind of sucked...killing Rin. I liked her too much.