Chapter 32
I thought I was going to die. I was rendered unconscious in this abysmal nothingness, surrounded by the black walls, burning around me. The shōji doors were red with the flames as the flower petals erupted in red.
It had been so long since I tried to fight back the smoke from filling my lungs. Ever since I mastered the Iburi bloodline, smoke and fire and stopped effecting me as all I ever had to do was turn these weak lungs and rotting skin into smoke.
Never before had I been so useless in the only ability I had been good at and no matter how hard I tried, my body would not listen. Very simply, I could not move and I could not regulate my Chakra.
"You stupid bitch," the voice was oddly familiar and through the burning shōji doors I saw the form of a woman. She was beautiful, dressed in a fine pink kimono that was ripped to shreds around her body. Her black hair was loose from the pins that kept them contained and on top of her was a ninja, a Shinobi from Kumo.
With that dread I felt my lungs shake more than the smoke could ever make them quiver.
"Kumo has taken everything from me..." Ohashi's voice was weak as the ninja's hands gripped around her throat. "You will not take the Land of Fire too...no matter what the council has decided."
"You are nothing more than a whore," the Shinobi's voice was cold and I could see my own body, white hair and silk kimono tattered with blood dripping from my shoulder. Ohashi likely would have gotten me killed that night.
"And you're nothing more than a coward, wounded by a whore," Ohashi had always been strong, even after the loss of her child and the rape.
If I had been given more time with her, maybe some events would have turned out different.
I watched the flashback, for the memory was a cold remainder of the worst night of my life. A part of me wanted to say that the night Rin died was the worst, but it hadn't been. It was the cold nights alone that came after that were worse than her actual death. It was the memory of her smile or the haunting echo of her laughter.
But Ohashi's death and the night I was raped until I was dripping with blood among other things. That was worse.
I watched my past self stagger up, unnoticed by the ninja who had began to rape Ohashi's slowly dying body. That girl who was no longer me slammed a glass teapot against his head so hard that it shattered upon impact.
If this girl was me as I am now, she wouldn't have stopped until his eyes had popped from his head and his skull caved. Even then, I doubt I would stop until his bones could no longer be told apart from his blood.
"Ohashi," that girl who wasn't me said, the weakness was clear in her voice. "You're okay."
"I'm sorry," the woman whispered, her stomach was bloody from the stab of the man's katana and I saw myself cup Ohashi's face, wiping the blood off her lips. "I didn't want you to be involved."
"Why were you involved? Who cares about Konoha," I saw Anomie say, and found it very nostalgic watching myself speak.
"A man I loved once lived in Konoha," Ohashi's voice was weak and everything about this memory was weak. To this day, I still hated the weakness of it all.
"Don't speak," Anomie whispered, trying to get a good look at the wound past all the blood. "Just don't speak."
"He died in this war...but I loved him..." Ohashi didn't usually tell me this type of thing, so hearing her speak so freely was a surprise back then. Now that I knew how people were in their last moments, it was nothing to be surprised about as her memories went around in repeat. "His son lives in Konoha...I want him to be safe...I want him to live and love and prosper..." for once, as Ohashi spoke, she looked the girl who was once me in the eye. Looking at it now, I think this is the first time she actually saw me. "Please take it...keep it safe...please keep it safe..."
"You idiot," hearing the broken sound of my own voice was annoying as she took the scroll that rested near Ohashi's head. She spared one glance towards the fallen ninja, before she clutched her bleeding shoulder and left the Yūkaku house.
"How annoying," I muttered, watching the room go black. Of course it did. These were my memories, and I can't remember what I didn't see.
Immediately the blackness flickered with colors and the trees outlined the power of the Kyuubi being controlled. Of course, my eyes were set on Saru who was gurgling his last breath as the masked man's arm impaled my chest. Unlike before, I wasn't watching this happen. Instead I could taste the metallic red in my mouth and I could feel a foreign hand through my chest.
"There it is, my next weakest moment," I muttered out, finding that the pain was nearly too much to bear. The memory of it was just as bad as a real flesh wound and I felt fear erupt in my chest as my body dematerialized into smoke.
Moments later the pain was gone and the memory changed, each one with me reliving my weakest moment until only a single voice could wake me from this slumber.
"What do you want?" Orochimaru's voice was a lament in the wind as the memory changed and I was staring at him and an younger version of myself facing him.
"Power. I've always wanted power," without it I was nothing. Broken, weak, humiliated, raped, hated.
"If you want power so much then why are you still here?"
That wasn't in my memories. That was new.
"The longer you sleep, the farther it will go," the voice said again and my hands reached forward, clutching onto Orochimaru's arms and pulling him closer.
"What must I do?" I asked, finding his voice so far and yet his body was so close.
"Earn it," he said in return and my body burned like fire until it was erupting out from my mouth.
I didn't care who died or who was hurt in the process. I didn't care who I killed anymore. I just didn't care about anything. I just wanted to be strong and maybe that way, whatever part that detached itself from inside me, whatever decay that had transformed my innards, whatever wrong...all of it would fix itself.
That's all I wanted.
"You're not the person you're trying to be, and your sure as hell are not a murderer," Genma's voice drifted to me next.
"You're wrong," I whispered. "You've always been wrong."
"This is what happens when pretend to be the bad guy, people misunderstand your actions," Kakashi's voice came next, swaying me away from the power that I was so close to obtaining.
"I am not a good person," I fell to my knees, Orochimaru was silent in front of me.
"Fuyu-chan, aren't you being a little too sentimental," he said, but his eyes narrowed and in the next minute his face was replaced by one I knew all to well.
"You say you want power, An-chan," Rin's voice was just as I remembered it. It was soft and kind, but immediately her eyes narrowed like a mother waiting to scold. "But that isn't what you want, is it? No one only wants power. Power is infinite and it is an insatiable hunger that can never fill. The Anomie I know would never desire something so abstract."
When she spoke, I felt like a child being taught a lesson. It wasn't really Rin, and I knew that, but it felt like her right down to the sparkle in her eye and the way her gums would show when she smiled.
"What do you hope to obtain with so much power? You say it's because you don't want to be beaten or raped or humiliated," Rin's eyes nearly twinkled as her lips settled in a coy smile. "But that's not it, is it, An-chan?"
She was right... "I want a family...you, Obito, Kakashi, Ohashi... everyone...Saru...Jiraiya..." that was it...but no power I could ever obtain would bring back what was dead and what was broken.
Rin had stopped smiling, and her eyes were slanted in dismay. "You want power to bring me back from the dead? No, that kind of unattainable goal isn't yours either. What is it that you want?"
"I want to redeem myself..."
"And why do you need more strength to do that?"
"At this rate, my life is funneling out. Even the Ho'ou can't change that...and resilience doesn't mean strength."
"How long do you plan on fighting?"
"Until I am forgiven..."
"Forgiven by who?"
Perhaps I always knew why I strived for Orochimaru's offers of power. "Forgiven by me."
"And yet you continue to succumb to your own darkness," Rin scolded.
"I answered your questions, now give me what I want," I reached out my hands, cupping her cheek and finding her skin was just as soft as I remembered. "Please."
"That's all you had to say. You take what you earn," Rin's lips began to turn thin and and curved with fangs protruding out like a cobra. Her eyes slanted yellow and before I realized she had turned into Orochimaru, his teeth had already sunk into my neck.
"Say the word and it's yours, Fuyu-chan," his voice slithered out as the curse mark began to bubble over the pale skin of my neck.
"Please," and my eyes snapped open wide, finding myself in the tightly contained box that almost immediately shattered upon the intensity of the Chakra that poured out of me.
»»⎯⎯⎯¤⎯⎯⎯««
"She actually survived," Anomie heard someone say just before she fell to the ground, unable to move.
It felt like she had died and awoke with new eyes. Nothing was brighter and nothing was too different or warm. She still felt cold and ground was covered in splitters as if the wood of a crate had exploded. Her eyes snapped up to Kabuto, "did you put me in a box."
"I didn't, I was just watching to make sure you made it out alive," Kabuto never looked too happy when he had to speak to her and her lips curled into a smile, but the Chakra that was pouring out of her veins was almost too much to contain.
"You sound disappointed," she commented in return, her fingers itching for a fight as she stood up. Her legs shook and her hair stood on end. She wanted to rip him apart and it surprised her at the amount of bloodlust that coursed through her veins. She didn't mind killing, but never before did she desperately want to kill.
"I am very disappointed," he agreed, walking closer until he rose his hand near her, his fingers brushing against her cheek and his palm pressing against her forehead to check for heat.
"Am I a test subject?" she asked as he grabbed her wrist, checking her pulse.
"You're the first one to survive the transformation," he said in return. "Looks like you should be thankful I suggested the extra seals on the heaven's gate." Anomie glanced towards the pieces of wood that apparently saved her life.
"For someone who can't stand me, you went through a lot of trouble," she replied with a glance into his annoyed eyes as his fingers wrapped around her wrist and examined her pulse. This fourteen year old boy always looked so serious in all his actions and she almost found it comical to watch.
"Knowledge is never easily obtained," he said, feeling her pulse for a couple more seconds.
"Your parents obviously forgot to teach you respect for your elders," she said and she watched his eyes flash with annoyance. "I know that look. Don't tell me you're an orphan?"
She knew it was a low blow for a fourteen year old who wasn't quite placid to the ninja life of dead parents and fighting. Kabuto didn't give her an answer and merely took notes on her current status, giving her small prompts like "mold your Chakra," or "Go to hell."
"Where is this?" she asked after a moment of silence, finally noticing that the hideout wasn't that of where they had been before. It was cold and damp like a cave.
"Konoha attacked the base while you were comotose," Kabuto muttered, examining her curse mark that rested on her neck. She jumped slightly when he touched it, not expecting it to sting so violently. "We had to move you."
"And Orochimaru?" Anomie asked slowly, nearly curious if maybe he died but she knew that it would never be so easy.
"Livid but rebuilding," Kabuto said, and Anomie cursed that she was relieved. "Are you able to activate the mark?"
She pressed her hand against the seal over her neck. It took everything she had to not activate it now. It was like a dam trying to calm the storm of the river. One wrong move would shatter that barrier and fill her body with an ocean of Chakra and she could feel it flooding her Chakra coils.
"Do you want me to?" she asked and he immediately saw the bloodlust in her eyes.
"Perhaps not now," he said slowly, placing a small bandage around her neck, covering the marking.
She knew it, the moment she awoke with this power, that she could never have survived the transition without the aid of the Ho'ou restoring her life force and her Chakra.
But it wasn't enough.
Maybe it wasn't power that she wanted at all, and this hunger was for something else. Her hallucination had told her as much, and even in the inner workings of her mind she didn't have a clue what she really wanted.
All she knew was that this wasn't enough.
»»⎯⎯⎯¤⎯⎯⎯««
It was mid September when Tsukasa came to her in what almost felt like a dream. The feeling of being summoned was unpleasant and it felt like her body was being sucked into a very small hole. What was worse was that she was just getting out of the shower.
Tsukasa tilted her head, her fingers brushing the back of a small cat. Anomie looked down at her lack of clothes, simultaneously letting down her hair from the bun on top of her head. Her hair fell over her breasts, down past her hips, reminding her that she should cut it.
"It's time for the clan leaders to be killed," Tsukasa said, and Anomie found herself immediately exasperated by her tone.
"Now?" Anomie asked and Tsukasa's lips slowly quirked up.
"If you are ready, but I highly doubt you are," Tsukasa replied instead.
"It's really hot here, if I wasn't already naked then I probably would be," Anomie rolled her eyes, wishing for the seals on her arms once more.
A small cat jumped on Tsukasa's lap, and it was a very strange contrast to see as Tsukasa was so serious and the cats were obviously not. It was the next moment Anomie saw the giant tiger resting up the mountain. It raised its head and yawned before going back to sleep.
"They like sleeping in the sun," she announced with a smile.
"I was not expecting cats to be your summon," Anomie admitted with a smile.
"Did you not? Cats are nimble, quick, and can move silently and unseen," Tsukasa stated, petting the cat underneath its ear.
Anomie's eyes ran to the giant tiger that looked big enough to open its jaw and swallow her head. "Even him?"
Tsukasa's eye ran to the corner before meeting Anomie's gaze. "No, not him, but there's no need to be unseen when he can rip your neck out instead."
Anomie whistled, "you wouldn't happen to have a towel?" As she spoke, she kicked one of the kittens away from her leg.
"Unfortunately not," Tsukasa didn't look even a little amused as she pulled out a scroll. She bit into her thumb, smearing her blood across the paper, and in moments, words and pictures appeared in order. Anomie knelt down staring down at the scroll.
"Are these the targets?" she asked, running her fingers over the faces of the men and women marked for death.
"There is a clan meeting, and according to Itachi they will be moving onto stage two of the coop," Tsukasa's voice was soft and she shook her head. "I am so disappointed it has come to this..."
"Was there ever any other way?" Anomie asked Tsukasa raised her eye and she saw a moment of desperation and sadness.
"There was always another way, but not anymore," she commented in return.
"Tragic," Anomie said in a monotone.
"Do you enjoy killing?" Tsukasa asked after a moment, and Anomie titled her head to the side.
"I don't know," she said. "Do you?"
"Sometimes," Tsukasa replied.
Anomie grabbed the scroll, staring at the names and information about each of the men. Whose names rang together in a muse. She stared at their ranks, finding most were Jounin. There were at least 48.
"After this, how many Uchiha will be left?" Anomie said with a tilt of her head.
"Do you even care?" Tsukasa didn't sound happy with Anomie's question, but Anomie had quite a knack for asking questions that could penetrate even the toughest of shells.
"Not particularly," Anomie said. "Why me? Really? Cut out the bullshit."
"Orochimaru is Konoha's most dangerous enemy produced in its walls. His name alone still causes fear throughout so many people," Tsukasa said with a frown. "You are the only known supporter for him so unfortunately you are seen as quite the villian, Koneko."
"I see," Anomie wondered if it was even possible to escape Orochimaru shadow. It loomed over her own and she nearly forgot who she was under his thumb.
"The point of this massacre is to get the Uchiha anger off of the village, so we have to bring both together under a mutual enemy," Tsukasa said with a shrug. "That's you and Orochimaru."
They both knew what that meant...if she did this then any chance of redeeming her name was over. She'd be submerged in the bog and there's no coming back.
"Is it certain that doing this will stop the coup," Anomie asked and Tsukasa shook her head.
"Itachi will likely become the clan leader after this. Say what you want about the Uchiha but they are loyal. They will follow him so long as his name is clear of all suspicion."
"Just tell me when and where," Anomie asked, and Tsukasa smiled.
"Why are you helping?" she asked and Anomie ran her hand through her hair.
"You want the truth?" Anomie asked and Tsukasa went silent. "The war took everything from me. Kumo and Kiri are just waiting for a reason to exploit Konoha's weakness. A coup will be that weakness and when three villages engage in fighting, it won't be long before Iwa and Suna will follow suit."
"That's the first genuine thing you have ever said to me," Tsukasa's brows furrowed together and the patch over her eye slightly crinkled.
"When and where."
Author's Note
雛菊 (Hinagiku)also called daisy - It means faith.
I am trying my hardest to update this story twice a month on a Friday, mostly because I love each and every one of you guys and the words "update" fill my inbox every week, so...
Sometimes, Anomie makes me so angry and I just think to myself, how am I going to redeem her character after all these mistakes I've made her make. At the end of the series, while Kakashi and Obito reached an understanding, I highly doubt the village would have ever have accepted him back after he murdered so many people. I don't want to turn Anomie into that unredeemable character and sometimes I find myself having no idea how to get to the ending that I want.
I can't just make her turn into a saint either. Mistakes and just overall self-destruction are apart of her character.
I want her to be happy and I want everyone to be happy. Stick with me you guys, even if she makes you mad ahah.
Thank you all for reading. Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for all the kind words of encouragement and the support I've gotten when I wanted to scrap this story altogether and focus on my biochemistry thesis.
I started writing fan fiction when I was 10 years old (yes it was very bad, no I will never show another soul) and I've written and finished 12 novels since then and even almost got published before I decided that I would rather focus on making a good reputation as a doctor, not wanting my patients or boss to google my name and find that piece of shit story.
Fan fiction, to me, requires just as much work and dedication (almost more) than a novel. But Anomie is a character I had wanted to write about for as long as I can remember. She's smart, beautiful, and absolutely frustrating. She was also based off of a very dear friend of mine, who passed away when I was younger. This friend made a lot of mistakes, such as prostitution and getting pregnant when she was fourteen.
I created Anomie when I was sixteen, in one of the novels I had almost gotten published. In making her I wanted to see a character who was not afraid of her sexuality, her lust, and her own lack of morals. Anomie has all of the traits I had been taught to judge and repress while growing up, before learning that society will always find a way to make women hide that part of themselves, and hate themselves for being human. And more than that, I wanted a confident character. Someone who wasn't afraid to be seen as beautiful. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, and girls in this society are taught to tear down those they feel threatened by. Boys are taught that it's okay to do whatever they want to a woman if she dresses provocative.
This was a long note, but my point is, before you see a gorgeous woman in booty shorts, don't think to yourself "what a slut." Society will tear us down enough without us doing it to each other~ ^_^
Thank you for reading and for supporting me.
