Chapter 45

The white noise of the birds broke him from unconsciousness. It was a peaceful awakening, as he slowly remembered the way her hair managed to stay so perfect, even after he fisted his fingers through it every time they kissed. It filled him with her breath, and when he rolled to the side, he saw the bed was empty, except for the letter on her pillow. He immediately recognized her neat calligraphy, and the letter had a distinct aroma of her plum and amber perfume.

That same scent lingered on the pillow, as if she had only just sprayed it as a cruel reminder of her absence.

Stay safe the letter read.

It felt like a passive aggressive copy of the letter he left her back in the forest, so many months ago. He knew her enough to realize she was bitter, even if she never said it out loud. Despite the obvious longing to see her, he chuckled at the pettiness of it all before he crumbled it in his palm and tossed it away. No matter how many steps they took to get closer to one another, she would tear herself away and say she did it for him.

He stood up, walking into his bathroom to wash his face before glancing down to see something on the counter. He grabbed it and noticed it was Rin's amulet of protection. It felt so light in his palm, counteracting the fact that it was worth so much to her and yet she left it here with him. He knew, more than anyone, that Rin meant the world to her and that no one could ever take her place. Knowing that filled his chest with something akin to guilt, violent and terrible, as the memory of the life leaving Rin's eyes filled his mind.

He escaped the bathroom, walking out of his room to see Anomie, sitting at the marble counter divider that separated the kitchen from the living room. In her hand was a book from his shelf that he recognized as one of his many erotic novels. Next to her, the counter was filled with food, ranging from steamed rice, miso soup, grilled fish, and kobachi. She glanced up, her face clear of any indication of the meal she prepared.

He nearly forgot that she was such a talented cook, considering she always forced him to cook in the past, only to complain on his lack of talent.

"I thought you left," he commented, walking closer until he was across from her with only the divider in between them.

"You got my note?" She let out a soft chuckle. "At least it wasn't left next to you in the middle of nowhere."

"Not my greatest moment," he admitted slowly, yanking away the book from her hand. "I'd prefer you not help yourself to anything you want."

She raised a brow, her lips curved in amusement as she leaned her elbows against the marble. Her head tilted to the side, bits of bangs sweeping over her forehead as she stared into his eyes. "Come here. I want to show you how rice should taste."

She picked up her chopsticks with a smile, and he chuckled, but obeyed, walking around the divider and leaning against the counter so his hip touched the edge. He made sure to keep a healthy distance between them, but she closed it as she brought the chopsticks up to his mouth, prompting him to lower his mask. "I can feed myself." He attempted to take the utensils away from her, but she slapped his hand away with her free hand.

"Where's the fun in that?" She pulled down his mask for him and all but shoved the rice in his mouth. "See. Not dry at all."

"Nope, just salty," he commented casually, watching as her mouth dropped open. He tried to resist, but he couldn't help himself as he leaned forward and shoved some of the kobachi vegetables into her mouth.

She covered her mouth in surprise, leaning back as she glanced at him in lament. She looked to not be enjoying it when she reluctantly swallowed it down. "I hate beets," she complained, and he chuckled.

"Why make them then?" he asked, noticing the simplicity of the dish and yet each one happened to be the same things his mother would make him when he was a kid.

"They're your favorite," she answered, glancing away as she quickly attempted to busy herself with drying one of the pans that he didn't know he had. He remembered, briefly, telling her his mother would make him the best meals. He had a picture of one, stashed away in a box, of him and his father all enjoying a meal that looked so similar to this one, right down to the way she cut the carrots.

"You snooped through my stuff?" he questioned in a monotone. She scoffed, putting away the pot in a cabinet that he probably hadn't opened in a couple years.

"Back when I basically lived here," she glanced at him through her hair that shadowed her cheeks. "I got curious. Can we drop it? I'm uncomfortable."

"Everything makes you uncomfortable," he commented, glancing back towards the grilled fish that was cooked with even the same aroma that he liked. How she knew that, he'd never know.

"Shut up," she commented, and he leaned back against the counter with a lazy sigh.

"Why did you stay?" he asked, and she stood up straight. The logical thing, and far more in character, was for her to leave and perhaps whine that they had no future.

"Do you always have to bring up big topics?" she asked, and he rolled his eyes.

"Do you always have to avoid them?" he countered, and she stood up straighter, something she only did to appear taller and more in power in order to contrast that she was getting nervous.

She didn't answered, and he sighed, deciding not to let the meal go to waste as she busied herself with cleaning his apartment. Normally, he didn't like when people touched his stuff, but she wouldn't stop even if he asked. More than that, not that she needed to know it, everything that was his belonged to her.

"I tried to leave," she whispered. "You're a deep sleeper...you didn't even hear me cooking." He wasn't normally, but perhaps subconsciously, he didn't want to wake up to a world where she wasn't in his life. There was a smile in her voice as she reorganized his book shelf only a meter from where he sat. "The truth is that I didn't want to...leave that is. I just...I like the feeling of being with you is all."

When she turned around, he was leaning against the wall next to where she stood from her knelt position after she categorized his porn by kink. He pulled her to him, and she remained still for a second as his arms circled around her back. Slowly, she hugged him back, almost desperately, as if he was the only source of warmth she had. Once again, he remembered how he once said their bond was brittle, but that wasn't true.

For him at least, it was like iron cuffs, and he couldn't fight it even when he tried. However hard he tried and no matter how much he tugged and tugged all it did was nearly rip off his hands.

She knew, even now, that she didn't have what it took to make him happy. She wished she could make him hate her, but even now, she didn't dare. In this place, it was like the outside world didn't exist and they could travel back to a time when she was still 17 years old and clinging onto him for dear life. There was no going back, but that was the beautiful thing about time. Sometimes, if you were patient and you waited enough, there was those special moments in the future.

"I missed you," she mumbled it into his chest, careful so he wouldn't hear her and he wouldn't look down to see her face was red as if she had just exited the desert.

He pulled away, his brows furrowed. "I feel like I missed something important." She covered her face so he wouldn't see that she was so red. She could practically feel the palpitation of her heart, and for so long, she had been certain she could never feel that. Not because she didn't want to, but because she had thought the wires connected to those feelings were severed beyond repair. And honestly, most days that was true, but there were moments like now where she could feel the heat and the passion and the skies of lust. He pulled down her hands and searched her eyes before pressing his lips against hers, and it was the the type of kiss she could feel to the tips of her toes.

She would hurt him over and over again in the nearby future, and he would hurt her. That was the game they played. However, the temporary truce always made the pain worth it in the end. His lips were too soft and she was lost in his embrace, as forbidden and crazy as his touch was, she melted into it. He pulled away, his lips trailed up her jaw and she heard his shaky breath in her ear as his fingers trailed into her hair.

"What are you doing in Konoha?" he asked, and as if ice washed over her, her eyes opened wide. She shoved him away, her eyes cold as she let out a sigh, and once more, the wires all severed.

"I should have just left when you were sleeping. It would have been far less complicated," she stated and he took a step forward, his gaze in a deadpan.

"Just tell me the truth, Anomie," he ordered, and her lips curled, but there was no amusement in her gaze.

"You say you want the truth," she met his gaze and grabbed his wrist, bringing it closer so she could press her lips against the back of hand. She cupped it in between her palms, her gaze never swaying from his. "You secretly wish for some hidden agenda that makes me a better person, so you can feel better about yourself. The truth, Kakashi, is that even if I did have a reason for my actions. Even if that reason is closer to home than you know, I'd still be one of the worst villains you have ever met."

"What do you mean closer to home?" Kakashi's brows furrowed, and she realized she made a mistake that she couldn't take back. She brushed off his question, letting go of his hand.

"I am not in Konoha to kill anybody. I am not here to hurt anybody. Those are not my intentions," she assured him and he sighed.

"Sometimes it doesn't matter what your intentions are. People get hurt everywhere you go," he reminded her. Anomie knew that. Of course she knew that. It was all she was good at doing at this point. She could tell herself, over and over, that she did the things she did for the good of Konoha and for the requests of Sarutobi and Tsukasa.

Perhaps that was why, but she knew that they weren't the only reason she killed so many to get on Orochimaru's good side. They weren't the only reason she killed so many to join the Akatsuki. They weren't the only reason. A part of her liked it. It made her feel powerful and after a lifetime of feeling weak and hopeless and always doing as she was told, she needed to feel powerful. She needed to be feared and hated because the alternative was so much worse.

Perhaps, even if Rin had lived, she still would have fallen into self destruction. She was falling even before Rin died and she was falling still. She knew that if she held on any tighter, she could make Kakashi fall with her, but she wouldn't dare. For Anomie, there was no fix. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. She had wounds that would never erase, but they made her stronger. She needed that strength to finish her mission. She had a tendency to deviate from it and do things unforgivable. It made redemption so much harder, but if such a thing were easy then evil people wouldn't exist in this world.

"Kakashi," she pulled him forward, forcing him to meet her gaze up close. "I want to destroy Orochimaru. Bit by bit. That's why I am here."

His brows furrowed, his gaze unsteady, but slowly he sighed, pulling up his mask. "You don't make any sense. Need I remind you that not long ago you were his most loyal follower."

"But was I?" she smiled, already knowing she was saying too much. "I am loyal to me."

"I know," Kakashi whispered, and for the first time, she was able to catch a glint of something in his eyes. It was very slight, but she caught it just in time to take a step back. She could recognize the edge of a tethering line that she balanced on and she nearly feared that he was moments from turning her into the authorities, or worse, Danzo.

"Danzo has been watching me closely. You should know this since you're the one who nearly got me suspended with the Daimyō business."

She glanced towards him, her face empty. "You sound upset about that. Why don't you just join me on a life of crime?" She was joking, and she knew he was too loyal a man to ever take her hand.

"I wouldn't go anywhere with a psychopath whose only lied to me about everything," he told her. He only wanted to put an end to her crimes, but he couldn't wish her dead.

"Psychopath?" Anomie raised her brows, walking over to the counter and running her fingers over marble. "I guess that's fair."

"You have to leave," he told her, and she took a step closer. "For some reason, the Third Hokage isn't very violent against you or active in your capture. Doubt you'd tell me why, but Danzo has a personal interest in your death."

"He didn't take our breakup very well," Anomie told him and Kakashi raised a brow.

"That's gross," he told her, earning a small smile in return.

"He's old as shit, but I'm sure he has a romantic side. You don't think so?"

"I don't want to think about it."

"I bet he's secretly a kink master. Although I imagine he has the labido of elderly cockroach."

"I wish you hadn't said that," Kakashi said, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. "Oh, it's in my head now. Burned into my brain."

Anomie held back a smile, balancing her cheek into her palm as her eyes ran over him over and over, burning into her memory. If he felt her stare, he didn't say anything, so she began picking apart the meal she made without glancing away from him. "Are you gonna eat or not?"

He sighed, walking forward and joining her with a seat right across from her. "Just no more sex jokes."

"With a library like yours, I would imagine you'd like them," she told him, watching as he pulled back down his mask. Her eyes ran over the freckle just below his lips, making her wonder what about his face he wanted to cover so badly.

"My mother gave it to me." His voice broke her from her stupor, causing her eyes to snap up to meet his gaze. "The mask."

She didn't say anything to reply, only taking another cherry and resting it against her lips as she waited for him to continue. "You know..." Anomie took a bite from the cherry, taking a moment to chew. "Most people ask for a puppy when they are little."

His lips quirked into a smirk, filling his plate with kobachi. He was trying not to enjoy her cooking, already knowing how much harder it would be if he grew anymore addicted to her. "Is that what you asked for?" He regretted asking the moment he opened his mouth, almost instantly remembering the gruesome history behind her mother. However, her lips didn't so much as waver from that beautiful smile, and her eyes were still narrowed in amusement.

"You got me. I was more unrealistic with my demands. I wanted a pony," she told him and his lips quirked as he tried not to chuckle at her statement.

"Why?" Kakashi asked and she finally chuckled, taking the rest of the cherry in her mouth.

"Horses are a sign of freedom," she said after a long pause that made him wonder if she was ever going to answer. She glanced up at him, taking in his sharp jawline and the rather beautiful shape of his scar that ran down his eye. To him, it was probably a sign of failure and inexperience and a friend he'd never see again. However, she thought it was a sign of strength and preservation. Sometimes, when they would sleep slide by side, she would run her fingers over it just so she could feel his strength fill her, as if he were braille. "You can go anywhere. Live off the land. And if you ever get really hungry, just eat the horse."

Kakashi chuckled, "That wasn't how I thought that story was going to end."

"Stories never end the way you would picture in real life. If I did have a horse, I would end up eating it," she told him with a slight smile. "Can you see me hunting and gathering for food?"

"I can't see you doing a lot of things," Kakashi replied, and she leaned over the counter, balancing her knees against the stool as she reached up to grab him by the back of the neck. She pulled him forward and he let her, pressing his lips against hers in so soft a way that she fell into his embrace and his lips. He didn't pull her forward, not wanting to cause her to fall. It was so short a kiss, but he couldn't help but want more. He craved more. He couldn't help it and he doubted he ever really wanted to, but that didn't mean he wouldn't stopped trying. "You should leave Konoha," he whispered this against her lips and she pulled back. He relished the feeling of her lips, but he was also quick to let them go. She leaned back and sat up straight.

"For someone who wants to tattle me out to the authorities, you are quick to tell me to escape," she told him. "If you have something to say, then say it. Ask your questions. I may just answer them."

"The Uchiha clan. Why did you kill them? More importantly, how? They were under constant watch. How did you manage to slip past all of that and take them out? Your motivations were strange as well. Orochimaru's feud with you began almost immediately after that. You had nothing to gain from it."

"Do you really want to know?" Anomie tilted her head to the side, and for a moment, it felt like a piece of the puzzle was finally about to be solved. "The food is getting cold. Eat or I'll be sad. I promise not to kiss you anymore." Her humorous tone didn't dissipate the tension.

"Don't change the subject," he told her and she slightly smirked.

She reached over the counter and grabbed a piece of fruit, popping it in her mouth as the long length of her legs became all the more visible from the slit that ran into the leg of her kimono. She leaned her entire weight onto the countertop as she glanced over towards Kakashi who was sitting across from her and waiting for her to answer his question.

He was so very patient. Anomie noticed that with a slight smile as she chewed on her cherry, twirling he stem in between her thumb and pointer finger. She was purposefully testing that patience, but one of the things she liked about him was his constant composure when she was being annoying.

"Do you hate me?" Anomie asked and his gaze flickered away, glancing anywhere but her eyes.

"Sometimes," Kakashi finally answered, and moved forward, digging his hand into the pocket of his pants and placing the talisman for protection in between them. "But this tells me that the you that I used to know isn't gone completely."

Anomie's eyes traced the words but they gave nothing away. She left it for him to keep safe, mostly because she couldn't keep anything safe anymore. Everything was fleeting in her life and soon enough she would tarnish that too. "Hold onto it for me."

"Why did you kill the Uchiha?" Kakashi's question brought them back down to reality, and she quickly answered.

"I wanted to join the Akatsuki. My name wasn't big enough. After that, everyone knew it." It wasn't a lie. Anomie said it with complete honesty.

She saw a bit of regret in his eyes when she answered, and for a moment she wondered if he regretted asking. "That's what I thought."

"I told you. My loyalty is to me," she whispered, tilting her head to the side. Then again, he still hasn't asked the right questions, such as, why I joined. If he asked, I might tell him.

"I'll let you leave right now, if you answer one question," he changed the subject with grace, and she smiled.

"What's the question?"

"What are you doing in Konoha?"

"Oh, speaking of Orochimaru being a cunt," Anomie began, but Kakashi's deadpan worsened.

"Pretty sure that wasn't what I said."

"I just sold out one of his bases," she fiddled with one of the pins in her hair, but logic told him that it was a blade that had probably seen more blood than he has with his own eyes. "I'm just waiting for it to be deployed so I can follow and offer assistance. I'm doing a community service."

"That depends on your idea of assistance," he said in a blunt tone of voice.

"You sound mad," she said.

"How many dead bodies will you walk over to reach the end?"

"Tell you what, I'll cut you a promise." She leaned over the counter, holding his gaze. "No more killing anyone from the Leaf. See, I'm bending over backwards to make you happy. I'm like a hero and the victim."

"You've never been either of those," he retorted.

Anomie glanced down, "Then take me into custody. I dare you."

"As fond as I am of being dared like a five year old," he said, letting out an exasperated sigh. "I can't."

"Why?"

"It's not entirely personal this time," he answered, and she glanced towards him. "I don't think you're quite the villain that you've made yourself out to be."

She opened and closed her lips a couple times before they spread out into a frown. "What makes you say that?"

"A gut feeling."

The tension was palpable and uncomfortable. If she could choose, she would want to spend a couple more minutes in his bed, talking to him about everything she could, from his new students to the missions of his past. She placed the blade on her thigh into her hair, wrapping the bun around it like a sushi roll. At the end was a jewel, and anyone looking at it would be none the wiser.

"Why were you holding a knife?" Kakashi asked, and she glanced at him.

"I was getting ready for a fight," she told him, and the tension was palpable until he let out a chuckle, resting his face into his palm. She leaned closer, tilting his chin against her pointer finger. "I promise. No more."

"Your promises don't mean much to me," he told her, and she pressed her forehead against his.

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out and she disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Kakashi hated himself for letting her leave. However, something to him that there was so much more to the story that meets the eye. Anomie was a killer and a psychopath, but he couldn't think of many times in the past where anything she did wasn't an order of some kind. Even in Anbu, she followed every order without question, even the most worthy of questioning.

Now he just had to figure whose orders she was following. And if her intentions ended up being insidious, he would kill his own heart and her, together. That was what a Shinobi did.

Author's Note

This chapter has been re done so many times and I still want to delete it from existence. I finished it like a week ago. I'm gonna be honest I actually cut out an entire chunk of writing in this chapter. I think it was like 2000 words. Just cut them out cause I hated them so much. Why I hated it you asked? Getting Kakashi in character is getting so hard. I think I'm going to have to do something I dread. Watch Naruto again.

I know! Who even does that anymore lol? Mostly, I think I deleted it cause it was just such a deviation from the main storyline.

I still can't sit through Boruto, but saw pictures of Kakashi from it, like does he age backwards? Hawt damn. Now that I'm thinking about aging, I'm now terrified of getting older. This is so uncool.

Some of the coldest things Anomie ever done was in Anbu. Ironic, right?

She's really not very imaginative all on her own, if I'm being honest. However, she enjoyed many of them, which still makes her quite the monster.

向日葵 (Himawari) which is a sunflower meaning: Respect, passionate love, radiance

I still get a lot of hate messages on Anomie, and hearing that, oddly enough, makes me happy. I don't know. When I made her, she was the foundation of an anti-hero, if not full on antagonist. I love her to death though. I love writing her. I love that she doesn't know right from wrong. To me, all her worst atrocities were in fact committed because someone ordered her to do it. She trusted others to tell her what to do because she thought they knew best because she obviously didn't. She thought that by following orders, she could do good, and because she spent her whole life subdued and lesser, that when she killed, she enjoyed being strong and confident and feared. It's the most human thing about her, but also her greatest weakness.

However, I have to admit, people are a lot meaner on fanfiction than they are on wattpad, so it gives me just a bit of anxiety to post on here lol.

Thanks for sticking with me this long people! I really love all of you.