Chapter 20: Feelings
As you walk into the familiar building of your therapist's office, there's a slight bounce to your step. It's been over a month since you've come clean about seeing Brittany again and you can't help but feel like things are starting to fall into place.
Things are still friendly with her, a few texts here and there, but nothing more than that. Talking to her has been getting easier too. You've noticed that she's stopped her flirting, which might sound like a bad thing but in all honesty, you're kind of grateful for that. Your boundaries have been unspokenly set, and you both respect them. Friendly and casual.
It helps in a way, knowing that she really did mean it when she said she wanted to be friends. It keeps any misguided feelings at bay. Building a solid foundation is just as important for her and it shows.
And even though there's still a voice in the back of your head telling you to be careful, overall, you don't have to work so hard anymore to calm your nerves or your rapidly beating heart. You've reached a more comfortable phase in your friendship, taking things slow and as they come.
"Hey, glasses." You greet Dr. Wen, taking the seat opposite him and he smiles up at you.
You make yourself comfortable and sit back, ready to tell him about the progress you've made since you've seen him last.
"So, where did we leave off?"
"You told me that I needed to take more chances in life." You start, holding back your grin as best as you can, "So I joined a church and donated thousands of dollars worth in music equipment."
He blinks back at you, shocked, "Y-you did what?"
You laugh, "Sorry, I couldn't help myself."
"Jesus, Santana." He exhales visibly, but then realizes what you said earlier, "Wait, did you say you joined a church?"
"Did I say joined?"
"I think you did." He smiles proudly.
"I only went once." You shrug, "But it's pretty cool there."
"May I ask which church?"
"The one Mercedes and Jake work at."
He raises an eyebrow, "And Brittany, right?"
"Oh um… yeah and Brittany, I guess."
He nods, clicking his pen to jot down a note. "Okay, let's talk more about that."
After your therapy session, you go straight home. You're always exhausted after talking with Dr. Wen but you also leave each session feeling like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. At this point, you've become very open with him about your emotions.
He often talks about acknowledging and identifying your own feelings so when you tell him that you're worried it's only a matter of time that you'll fall for Brittany again, he asks you to question it.
Which, of course, rendered you speechless. He spent the session talking you through it and by the end of it, including the weird bit where you talked to an empty chair, you realize that the only thing holding you back is… yourself.
Your fear of loss, and abandonment. Your fear of not being good enough. Your fear of stepping out on faith and walking into the unknown. All of these being something that you know you can work through, with time.
Therapy emotionally drains you, and after today's session, even more so. Not wanting to leave the house so late, you decide to have food delivered to you. After ordering a pizza, you scroll through your phone, looking for a distraction.
But, your mind has other plans as it wanders back to Brittany. You think about what moving forward looks like. What you have to do to figure out how you're actually feeling and why it's scaring you.
You can't help but think that the moment you cross over the friend line and into actual feelings, she'll admit that she doesn't feel the same. Or eventually you're going to fuck it up. Someway, somehow, it'll all come crashing down on you again. And you're just not sure if you're strong enough to go through that particular heartbreak a second time.
Hopefully fate will lead us to each other again.
You roll your eyes at the words you spoke. Well guess what, past Santana, be careful what you wish for because fate can be cruel sometimes. Now you're just some sad pawn in fate's sick game of life.
The voice in the back of your mind tells you to stop and you close your eyes, inhaling and exhaling as you try to gain control of your negative thoughts. You need to stop getting so ahead of yourself.
Reminding yourself that you haven't even had that many interactions with Brittany, you can't say with any certainty if she would feel one way or the other.
But at the same time, you don't know if you want to find out. Trying to figure yourself out is hard enough as it is, imagine how much more difficult it'd be once you know how Brittany truly feels.
Which is why avoidance, in your eyes anyway, is erring on the side of caution. Things are easier that way. You don't know if you're even capable of accessing your true emotions when you've spent so much time and energy hiding from them.
Luckily, you don't have to dwell too long on your thoughts because Kurt and Rachel text you, asking about your plans for the night. You tell them you ordered a massive pizza and it's not long until they're buzzing up to your apartment.
"I must say, we have impeccable timing." Kurt walks in first, holding a pizza box. They must've caught the delivery guy downstairs.
Rachel storms in after him, already scowling, "Santana, you said you ordered a vegan pizza."
"Honestly, you should know me better by now." You shrug, motioning to Kurt to put the pizza on the counter. "I think I still have some of that lesbian bread and mustard. Help yourself to a sad sandwich, Rach."
She scoffs, and begins rummaging through your cupboards and fridge for a decent meal.
You laugh to yourself when she eventually finds one of those microwavable vegan dinners you always keep stocked for times like this.
Some time after the second slice of pizza, Kurt and Rachel decided to make margaritas. It tasted like absolute shit because neither of them know how to make a decent drink but it's strong and it helped you relax a little at least.
Maybe relaxed to a fault because now you're definitely tipsy enough to let Rachel and Kurt look through your text messages with Brittany.
"I'm actually surprised to say this, Santana," Kurt laughs, "But you have no game."
"I have to agree. This is just… sad."
"Fuck you." You mumble, throwing a pepperoni at them.
"It's like you're not even trying."
You frown, "That's because I'm not. We're just friends."
The two of them look at you like you're a lost puppy still in denial. It annoys you so you throw another pepperoni at them. You hate when people look at you like that. You don't need their pity.
"Look at this," Kurt holds up your phone. "Last Tuesday she asked you how your day was going and you responded with a thumbs up emoji."
"Your point?"
"The next message after that wasn't for another three days, Santana."
"And all you sent her was a gif of a duck." Rachel eyes it, trying to figure it out.
"You wouldn't understand. Brittany gets my humor." You smile softly, remembering sending that to her. She replied with a lizard emoji and throughout the rest of that day nothing could ruin your mood.
It's so easy to be casual and fun with her. There's no pressure to be something you're not and mostly that's because she already knows you so well. She knows the real you and she embraces it.
Kurt scrolls further and looks at you questioningly. You feel like you're being judged when he leans over to Rachel to whisper.
"What is it now?" You ask, irritated.
Rachel looks at him and nods, "You almost never text first."
You frown, "I sent that duck gif first."
"A few gifs here and there," Kurt nods, still scrolling up and down to confirm, "But never words. You never text actual words first."
"Not even a simple, Hi."
Your frown deepens, "I don't see the problem."
They sigh and look at each other. And then in an instant you notice their eyes change, as if in agreement. Realizing what's happening you quickly reach for your phone but Rachel snatches it back. It's a minute long struggle and in the end you have Kurt in a chokehold and Rachel on the other side of your apartment holding your phone up in the air.
"I'll kill him, Rachel. Don't fucking test me." You yell at her, tightening your grip on your best friend.
"We were just going to text, hi." Kurt manages to let out.
"If you don't let him go, I'm going to press call." Rachel points at the button and your eyes widen, immediately releasing Kurt. He rushes over to Rachel and you hold out your hand expectantly.
As soon as your phone is back in your hand you notice the bitch pressed call anyways and it's too late. It's ringing.
"What the fuc-"
"Hello?" Brittany's voice floats from the phone and you freeze.
Kurt and Rachel scramble to grab their things and they blow you a kiss just as they step out your front door.
"Hello?"
You can't hang up. It's too late and it would be weird. Taking a deep breath, you place the phone to your ear.
"Santana, did you butt dia-"
"Hey, sorry. Rachel called you…" You tell her honestly. There's no use in lying at this point.
"Rachel?" Brittany chuckles. "How'd that happen?"
"We were drinking. She and Kurt were reading our messages."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, they were being annoying and nosey. Sorry about that."
"Don't ever say sorry for calling me, I was just surprised. Tell them I said, hello."
You glance around at your empty apartment and roll your eyes, "Actually they just left. Probably an attempt to avoid being murdered. But I'll find them eventually."
She laughs lightly at that and it makes you smile. Something in your gut turns and for a moment you think about pushing it down but you remember your therapy session earlier.
"Well since I have you on the phone… maybe we can talk for a little bit?" You hold your breath. You don't know why but you feel nervous. Texting is one thing, but talking on the phone? It's intimate.
When Brittany doesn't say anything you pull the phone away from your ear and check to make sure she's still there. When you see that she is, you feel panic set in.
"Unless you don't want to? It's okay if you don't-"
"No, sorry." She says quickly, "I do want to."
"Yeah?"
"Of course, Santana." Her voice is soft, like she means it, "You're just full of surprises tonight, aren't you?"
"And wine."
She giggles, "You know, eventually you're gonna have to learn to talk to me without liquid courage, right?"
You laugh, rolling your eyes, "Keyword is eventually, Pierce. But not right now."
There's a pause as you wait for her to say something. And just when you think she won't she clears her throat, "Can we FaceTime?"
Her question throws you and you choke on your words. She laughs a little but asks again and you realize she's probably just as nervous as you are, if not more.
"I don't know…"
"Come on, you can show me your fancy one bedroom apartment. It's only fair. You saw my place."
You laugh, shaking your head, "Sorry, Britt. I think I'll need a little more than wine to work up to FaceTime. Especially since I look like a troll right now." You turn her down although you're obviously lying. You could never look like Rachel.
"Fine," She concedes, "But for the record, it's not like I haven't seen you first thing in the morning before."
Your eyes widen in shock. It's the first time your past relationship has been brought up like this and it catches you off guard. You don't even know what to say to that.
"Was that too much?"
"A little."
"Sorry."
"No, it's okay." There's a long pause, "I'm sorry I'm so awkward."
Brittany hums softly and it's quiet again. Your phone buzzes suddenly and you look at it to see that she's requesting to FaceTime. You chuckle softly, rolling your eyes as you accept the call.
"I must say, you're persistent." You say as she comes into view. Her hair is in a messy ponytail, some of it falling over her face. Her eyes look tired and it makes you feel bad for keeping her from sleep. You glance at the time and notice it's already nearing midnight. "Am I keeping you up? I didn't realize it was so late…"
"Oh, was I supposed to just ignore your call earlier?" Brittany smirks.
"Cheeky." You quip back and her smile widens. You realize that she's wearing pajamas and you hold back a laugh, "Halloween isn't for another few months, Britt."
She looks down at her shirt and frowns before looking back at you. Cartoon ghosts, bats, and pumpkins are scattered across her outfit and honestly it's a refreshing sight to see.
"I'll never understand your affinity for Halloween. It's not even a real holiday."
She scoffs at that, "I'm going to ignore you just said that. Besides, Halloween isn't just a holiday. It's an energy."
You can't help but smile fully at that because of course she would say something like that. She smiles with you and your gut turns again. A turn back now sign flashes in the back of your mind accompanied with the feeling of apprehension but you push through it.
"You know, usually I find it annoying when girls don't take no for an answer." You change the subject back to her calling you on FaceTime.
"I'm not just any girl though." She grins.
You smile, "No, you're definitely not."
"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you." Brittany suddenly sits up and you quirk an eyebrow, not sure where this is going but you let her continue. "Our apartment's been having some water issues and management is scheduled to do some work in our unit for a few days next week."
Oh god. Where is this going?
"I know it's a lot to ask and we're still trying to work things out but I just thought… well, I don't know who else I trust that has their own place."
"Britt-"
"And I know you don't have a lot of space but you do have a couch in your living room so I thought maybe I could-"
"Whoa, whoa wait Britt, hold on." You exhale, "I don't think this is a good idea…" You shake your head, closing your eyes to catch a break and the turn back now sign bursts into flames.
"He doesn't need much space." She blurts out and your eyes snap open.
"He?" Oh hell no. There's a he in her life?
"Lord Tubbs." She nods as if it's obvious. You blink back at her and she laughs. "He's my cat, Santana. I have a cat."
Oh.
"Wait," she smiles widely, "Did you- did you think I was asking if I could stay over?"
"What? No." You shake your head quickly and she smirks. "But wait, if your cat is staying with me, where are you going?"
"Nowhere."
You blink back at her again, "I don't understand."
She laughs again but explains, "We're not supposed to have any pets. But one day I was walking home and he kept following me. How could I say no?"
"So you want your homeless cat to stay on my couch?"
"Well, I usually board him when I leave, like for my work trips, but this last time I found out he relapsed and I really don't want to put him in that situation again."
"Wait what? Relapsed?"
"Don't worry it's not hardcore drugs or anything. But he does have a drinking problem."
You pause, trying to understand completely, "So you want your homeless addict cat to stay on my couch?"
"Don't judge him, Santana. He's trying to work through it!"
You laugh at how ridiculous this conversation is but also at how ridiculous this cat of hers sounds. What the hell kind of animal is this?
"Don't make fun of me…" Brittany frowns.
You shake your head, smiling at her, "I would never make fun of you, Britt."
She blushes and your smile widens. Your cheeks begin to tingle and you duck your head a little to hide from her. When you look at her again your heartbeat picks up speed and you know this is going too far now.
"So you want your cat to stay over at my place?" You go back to the subject at hand and she nods, "Would I need to do anything? Make space or whatever? I'm assuming you'll be providing the living essentials."
"Of course." She chuckles, "I promise it's just for three days. But LT doesn't have a crate or anything. He kinda does his own thing. And you can just lock him out of your bedroom at night, he'll just make himself comfortable on the couch."
"Yeah, okay. I don't see why not. I've never had a pet before but they say cats are easy, right? Just gotta feed and water it or whatever."
"Well, actually…" Brittany says, her voice nervous, "I was hoping I could come over to inspect your place first? I trust you, I do. I just don't trust him."
"You said it's only three days, Britt."
"I just need to check if there's anything that can fall on him if he were to climb on things or make sure there's no easy-to-open windows. He likes to sneak out at night sometimes. Also I'd need to see where you keep your alcohol, of course."
"Sure. Totally normal things." You chuckle and she looks at you pointedly, "Well, I can just show you all of that now? Since I have you on FaceTime?"
She stares at you for a few seconds, not responding. Then, the next thing you know the screen goes black just before you're met with your own background screen of an exceptionally unflattering photo of Rachel and Kurt caught in the middle of eating .
You roll your eyes, smiling when Brittany's name suddenly flashes across your screen.
"Did you just hang up on me?" You answer her call.
"What? No!" She gasps, "The call must've dropped."
"Okay, well let's go back to FaceTime so I can show you around." You fumble with your phone slightly but when you try to FaceTime her, it doesn't go through.
"Something must be wrong with your phone." Brittany tries to say but you narrow your eyes.
"Are you sure that's the issue here, Britt?"
"What else could it be?"
"Oh, I don't know, maybe you're just not answering it?"
"Why would I do that?" She feigns innocence and you can hear the smile in her voice. "Oh well, guess I gotta come in person."
You laugh, "Brittany Susan Pierce, are you ignoring my FaceTime call so that you have an excuse to come to my apartment?"
She hums as if she's thinking about it, "No, I'm ignoring your call so that I have an excuse to be alone with you in your apartment."
Immediately, your cheeks burn hot and your throat goes dry, "Um…"
"Damn, I really wish I could've seen your face just now." She laughs and you roll your eyes.
"Answer my FaceTime and you can find out."
"Not falling for that. Besides, I'll see you… tomorrow around 1? Text me your address."
"Brittany!"
"Oh no, I think we're getting cut off again!" She says quickly and starts making fake static noises.
The line goes dead and you're left with your mouth open. Laughing to yourself, you shake your head in disbelief. There's no fighting it, Brittany is coming to your apartment tomorrow. Taking a quick glance around your place, you shake your head and begin cleaning up.
