-"Hate, hate, hate, Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely."

- THE GRINCH

DISCLAIMER: THIS STORY WILL FEATURE ALL OF THE CHARACTERS (OC) OF MY 'FATES' SERIES. SO THAT INCLUDES: ANOMIE, TSUKASA, AND SHION. I WILL HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION YOU NEED IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS SPECIAL SO YOU WON'T NEED TO READ ANY OF THE WORKS (IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM) TO UNDERSTAND. PLEASE ENJOY.

"TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, WHEN ALL THE CHILDREN WERE SLEEPING that the presents were taken," Shion said, using excessive hand motions to liven up her story. The mission was by far a peaceful one, of which Anomie felt an increasing amount of boredom. Still, looking at the pink haired girl who was quick to use the awkward silence to fill the gaps with a made up story.

"Don't look so bored." Kakashi turned a page in his book, barely looking up at the white haired woman who continued to wish for a violent attack just so she could do something other than listen to Shion speak. "The kids can sense it."

"Oh no," Anomie said with a sarcastic scoff. "I would hate that."

"Laugh about it now. Watch them decide not to leave you alone," Kakashi said, flipping another page and making Anomie doubt he was even reading the book at all. His voice dropped into a whisper while Shion continued to tell her story even louder than before. Were Anomie six years old, she might have tried listening. "They sense fear."

Anomie decided to sit down next to him, entranced by the warmth of the fire and the glow of the embers. "I am not afraid."

"Sure you're not." Kakashi glanced over to her through hooded lashes. "Have you ever held a kid before, Anomie?"

Anomie pursed her lips, recalling a couple years back when she grabbed Karin like a ball and tossed her towards Kimimaru. "Sure I have."

"I don't like that pause." Kakashi couldn't stop the wry smile from crossing his face, but felt thankful that it was covered by his mask. "Either way. Continue moping, they will all swarm you."

"This sounds like a lose lose to me," Anomie told him with a casual brush of her hair back. Kakashi watched silky strands fall over her shoulder and had to visibly restrain himself from tracing her bare collar bone with his fingertips. After all, they were apparently on some sort of break from their relationship. Not together, but not separated. In hindsight, Kakashi hated his idea and he could barely remember his reasons for choosing to abide by it. Vaguely, he recalled something about how they should figure out who they were as people before they co-dependently clash against one another in a torrent.

Anomie was all too quick to agree, and that actually made it harder. This went especially so when she decided to wear such low cut winter kimonos, despite his begging for her to bundle up. He would say that she was doing it on purpose, but he knew her well enough to know that was not her style.

"Maybe if you interact with them, they won't frighten you," Kakashi said, hoping it would distract him from the way her gloved hands slid over her neck to ruffle her hair. Unfortunately, she wasn't doing it on purpose, which made it all the more attractive.

"I am not afraid." Anomie was getting defensive, and moments later she stood up and walked towards the children that Shion was continuing her story for them to listen.

"And to the giant the children said," Shion continued, and from the calm narrator voice she changed her tone to that of a kid. The high pitch wave made the children giggle, but Anomie was already feeling sick to her stomach as she sat down. "We shall give you the gold sir, in exchange for the most beautiful wreath made from the vines of your garden."

"But don't giants eat people?" One of the children, a small girl with snow boots that had small dogs painted on them, said with wide eyes.

"Giants don't exist," Anomie said, and all the children gasped. This was signal enough for Anomie to figure out she royally fucked up. From the side, she saw Kakashi's shoulder's shaking with concealed laughter.

Shion came to her rescue, reminding Anomie that the girl was not the same snot nosed kid she remembered when she had been trying to actively kill her. Anomie made a mental note to apologize for that, when she got around to it. "Giants do exist! Only adults who have grown out of their Christmas joy cannot see them."

"Really?" Another kid asked, staring up at Anomie's rather cold face.

"Yeah. They definitely existed when I was your age," Anomie agreed lamely, realizing that Kakashi was right. She was afraid of kids. Ironic, then, that she was apart of the mission to transfer the sick kids from nearby villages to Konoha's hospital. This was something Konoha did to treat the children who were too sick for the small village's resources to supply.

"Anomie," Shion said with a rather warning smile. "Would you like to help them make s'mores while I continue the tale?"

The fuck is a s'more? Anomie thought to herself with a thin smile as she avoided Kakashi's gaze.

Too prideful to just admit that she wasn't familiar with most foods, she inhaled and sat down next to one of the kids. She tried to be subtle about the distance she put in between them since they were sick children and there was only so much hand sanitizer. Anomie stared at the items of food in front of the fire with disdain and more than a little confusion. Marshmallows, some sort of cracker, powder that she assumed was for hot chocolate, cookies, chips, and chocolate.

She knew the names were of all these items separately, it was just the part where she had to put them all together she was unfamiliar. Once again, the fuck's a s'more?

"I love s'mores!" One of the kids that got on Anomie's ever waning nerve shouted in her ear. "Roasted marshmallows are an essential part of my diet!"

Perhaps a salad should be in there too, Anomie thought with a side eye glance towards the slightly pudgy boy. Anomie picked up the marshmallows, watching Kakashi nod his head in the corner of her eyes. She purses her lips, grabbing the cookies, but this time Kakashi silently shook his head. She put down the cookies. She hovered her hand over the crackers and he nodded his head.

She carefully put the marshmallows on a cracker, her nose wrinkling in distaste.

"Extra chocolate for me," said one of the girls.

There's chocolate too? Disgusting.

Anomie put the chocolate on the cracker, aware of all the eyes on her. Kakashi nodded again. She put the she motioned for another gram cracker and he shook his head so she placed a marshmallow on top to his nod of approval and then another gram cracker on top.

"You have perfect skin," one of the kids, likely a fifteen year old, said. Anomie noticed he was covered with acne, a phase she had done everything in her power to prevent with much success.

"Thanks," Anomie said awkwardly as she went for the tongs so she could put the carb filled snack in the fire. Kakashi used his book to cover his face.

Shion continued with her story that Anomie was beginning to think she made up on the spot since it was really stupid. Then again, Anomie didn't actually like Christmas so she was biased.

"Miss Anomie," one of the kids pipped up as she handed him the cooked s'more.

Please don't talk to me, she thought with an obvious frown. Kakashi might have been right. She might have been scared of kids.

"Hm?" Anomie thought if she gave them short answers they would not talk to her anymore. That wasn't working so she regretted her pride for trying to prove Kakashi wrong that she was not complete chicken shit.

"What's it like being a ninja?" The children who were too old to enjoy Shion's stupid story were now focused on her, and she hated it.

Her answer would never be a happy one, at least not for her, so she was silent. Kakashi was no help as he had now entered his own little world that involved ignoring the real one. She wished she could join him. Unfortunately for her, they were keeping her grounded here and she still had not answered them.

"Why? Do you want to be a ninja?" Anomie asked instead, using an old method of dodging an uncomfortable question.

The back acne kid nodded his head quickly, and Anomie wondered if she should ask any of these kids their actual names. She decided against it since she was satisfied with the names based on mean physical characteristics was a better system. There was DITM (stands for 'dead in two months'), Backne (for his back acne), Pug Nose, Cleft Chin, Triple Chin, Drooler, Sneezy, Future Milf (if there was a future for her), Ugly Gilf, Balding, and so many more that only got more and more mean. Anomie had never been a nice girl, so she didn't feel remotely bad about it.

"Ninjas are cool!" Future Milf bobbed her head, her curls cupping her cheeks as she glanced towards Kakashi with a rather dreamy sigh. Anomie raised her brow, biting her bottom lip as she noticed that Future Milf was not the only of the kids (girls only) stare at Kakashi as he pretended he was anywhere else. "They save people! And the Hokage is the coolest!"

Naruto was not bad, Anomie admitted, but she was biased since he was the savior or some shit and reminded her so much of Minato that she sometimes felt ill.

"Honestly," Anomie said with a tilt of her head. Kakashi glanced over at her, his eyes narrowed as if he knew she was about to become an undignified dream crusher. She held back her smile that regardless of his own air of nonchalance, he still cared about the kids. "If you all like, I am sure that Kakashi could show you some cool Jutsu. No one knows better than you, right? I mean, I'm just a shinobi, he was once your Hokage."

"That wasn't me," Kakashi said lamely, turning his page. The kids all frowned, already knowing he was full of shit.

"Wow," Anomie said with a smile as she rested her chin in her palms. "Has anyone told you that you bear such resemblance to the sixth Hokage?"

"Nope," Kakashi said with a pop on the 'p' of his word as he turned another page. Anomie, however, knew he wasn't really reading at this point.

"I loved your speech," To Shy to Die whispered with her head hidden beneath her knees. She peaked out at the man, her eyes narrowed upon him with her cheeks flushed as if she couldn't believe that she was speaking. "When you talked about changes in Konoha...I was there with my mom."

Kakashi glanced at the girl with a brow raised. "I don't remember my speech." Kakashi had been uncharacteristically nervous that day. He never wanted to be Hokage, so when he was Hokage, he wanted to be sick. The paperwork after that made him hate the written language.

"It was inspiring!" Pug Nose said in agreement, and Anomie sat back as the kids gushed over the former Hokage with glee. She was just happy to get out of any awkward conversations. She continued making s'mores, even though she knew that the calories were empty, and handed them out.

"And they lived happily ever after," Shion said with exaggerated glee. The smaller children, such as Fart Face and Gas Attack, were curled up at the pink haired girl's feet like puppies. Anomie noticed that they all seemed to hover around her with an air of children next to their older sister. The more Anomie looked at her, the more Shion could see her as an older sister type.

"That was an amazing story," Beady Eyes told Shion, a yawn escaping his lips little more than halfway through.

"Oh...good," Shion said, now a bit awkward considering she made it up as she was telling it. She had so many stories she used to sprout to many of the sick kids she made as friends when she was a child, but when these kids all looked at her, she forgot them all. Talk about an awkward moment. "Anyway, you guys need to go to bed now!" And Shion wanted to take a dip in the creek over in the east.

They all groaned, but Shion wanted to make it home before Christmas, so she wanted the kids to be well rested for a trouble free journey on the road. Had they been well, the journey would have been over hours ago. Unfortunately, frequent breaks were the price to pay. "Where's Tsukasa?"

Their medic, and her former sensei, had stepped away to collect fire wood three hours ago, and Shion doubted that it took that long to gather. She had simply forgotten.

Anomie scoffed, wishing she was as smart as Tsukasa. "Bet she set up camp away from the kids." If children made Anomie uncomfortable, they made Tsukasa downright catatonic.

Somewhere in the forest, Tsukasa had made a hammock between two trees and laid there with a content sigh as she continued reading her book.

"Tsukasa's scary," Flubber said with a shiver.

"She's not scary," Shion said, thinking back to the time when Tsukasa had pinned her upside down to a tree. She actually was very scary.

"I'll go find her." Anomie said, looking for any reason to escape.

"I'll help you!" Shion said, taking her chance to slip away for her bath and to get the fire release ninja to help warm up the waters. Kakashi, unaware of the impending alone time with more than 20 kids to look after, finally glanced up to see the two girls beginning to leave.

"Where are you going?" Kakashi had stood up, his one visible eye now wide.

Anomie turned her head, her lips in a smooth smile. "Careful. They can sense fear," she reminded him with a wink before leaving.

"So, you and the sixth Hokage huh?" Shion asked, and Anomie's eyes narrowed.

"What?" Anomie's voice was cold, never being a fan of the pink haired kid.

"I just can't help but notice that there's no ring on that finger," Shion said with a coo as they walked through the forest, both not actually looking for Tsukasa.

Anomie raised her hand, where she wore three rings, before looking back at Shion. "I don't understand."

Shion rolled her eyes, "I meant, I don't see a diamond ring on that finger."

Anomie's lips opened and closed before she scoffed. "I'd rather have no ring than that ring," she said, referring to the diamond ring on Shion's finger. Shion gasped.

"You take that back! It's not at all ostentatious, heavy, and looks like something a 90 year old grandmother would wear," Shion said, looking down at the ring.

"Wow," Anomie said with a whistle. "Didn't say any of that, but good to know you're secure."

Shion flushed, "Have you ever tried to talk Naruto out of anything?"

"Yeah. I did. That ring," Anomie said with a laugh.

"Oh god. I'm going to walk down the isle dragging this behind me," Shion lamented in despair. Before long they made it to the beautiful spring, and Anomie released why Shion had been so adamant about leaving early. "Care to warm it up for us?"

Anomie chuckle, leaning down and pressing her hands against the water in a soft Jutsu that caused steam to flood the air. By the time she looked over, Shion was already in her undergarments and cannon balling into the pool. "It's not a swimming hole." Anomie spit out water from the splash, her voice obviously irratated as she took off her clothes and slipped in with dignity next.

"Tell me," Shion said as the warmth of the waters surrounded her in a haze. "You and Kakashi have been dancing around each other for years. How is it that I'm getting married before you?"

Anomie didn't answer. She had been very quick to agree to Kakashi's idea of a break. She had felt it was the right call at the time and something in her still refused to go back to him. In fact, it had felt like her life was on pause and her body was just going through the motions of life since she got back to the village. She couldn't tell Shion this since it was none of her business.

"The rings are just never big enough," she answered truthfully instead because that was true. No ring was offered, so that bit of nothing really wasn't big enough.

"Wow. Poor Kakashi-sensei," Shion said with a shake of her head. "He's got it bad."

Anomie glanced towards the girl with a raise of her brows. "Excuse you."

"It's just, you realize that's he's like a catch right?" Shion said, as Anomie dipped her hair into the waters as the heat relaxed her muscles.

"Careful, Naruto is gonna be jealous at the rate you're going."

Shion's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Gross! He's old."

"Careful," Anomie warned, reminding the girl that she was actually older than Kakashi. Shion let out a sheepish laugh.

"It's just that you seem to be the one putting the stop to advancing. I don't understand why. All this time back in the village, but you are making no moves to actually live inside it." Shion closed her eyes and leaned back. "Just something to think about, Anomie."

Anomie had no sassy retort, or rather, she did and she chose not to utter it out loud. It wasn't like the younger girl was wrong. Still, settling down and all that was a dream of the past, and Anomie wasn't certain she wanted it in her future.

What do I want then? Once again, she wasn't sure of that either and with Christmas coming up in Konoha, she didn't know how to handle the coming new year. She wasn't certain if she was even worth the pardon that was restored upon her shoulders.

What do I want?

For starters, Anomie wanted this mission to be over with and to be back in her house and drinking a martini by the window watching the snow fall.

When they arrived back at camp, well when Anomie arrived for Shion had went to actually find Tsukasa, Kakashi was sitting with his head buried into his balms with five kids asleep at his ankles. He looked to have had a rough night.

The rest of the children not asleep near Kakashi had returned to their tents, but whether they were actually sleeping Anomie was unsure. She felt a smile escape as she watched him for a moment near the trees. He looked to have aged a couple days with the stress of watching all of the kids, but she found that despite his obvious reluctance, he had done well. She began to wonder what he wanted from the future and wondered if she could ever want the same thing.

"Well, that's adorable," Anomie said, surprised to see that she actually meant it. Kakashi's eyes snapped up to hers, and he sighed.

"You took your time," he whispered, careful to step over the kids with soft grace so as to not wake them up. He walked near her, and his eyes wandered over the wet hair and glowingly perfect skin. She leaned against a tree, thankful that their first mission since years back was going well enough. She did have a feeling that him coming along with her was no coincidence and more of a test on her loyalty. She didn't mind as much as she thought she might have.

"There was a hot spring. You should have seen it." Anomie knew she was being flirty, but she kept such things at a minimum since she didn't want to give him the idea that she wanted to invite him into her Christmas wonderland.

"One of the kids peed on me," Kakashi said, his eyes narrow and interrupting her flirting. She snorted, trying not to laugh lest she wake one up. "It's not funny."

She turned her back, covering her face so she wouldn't burst. Slowly she began to walk away, but he was faster than her to grab her wrist.

"I don't think so. You get next watch. I'm gonna find that spring," Kakashi said, looking like he might have an aneurysm if she didn't agree. Her laughter faded at the idea that she had to stay with the kids alone.

"Wait, lets not do anything hasty here," she began, but his shadow clone disappeared from her grasp, making her realize that she had been tricked by the Copy Cat bitch.

She glanced over to one of the kids who had woken up with a rub of her beady eyes and that gaze locked onto Anomie with a yawn. "I need to poo."

Anomie's eyes widened further, "okay."

"Can you hold my hand?" One Cupcake Away From Diabetes asked, and Anomie's eyes narrowed.

"W-While you poop?" Anomie must have heard wrong, but the kid nodded. "No."

One Cupcake Away From Diabetes began to cry, and Anomie's eyes widened, quickly springing into action.

"No. Okay. I-I will hold your hand. Just don't cry."

And thus became the longest hour of her life.

When they finally returned to Konoha, Anomie was gone before they even had the chance to think about saying goodbye. She proceeded, first, to take five showers then a much needed bath before she decided to consider writing her report. She heard carolers from outside and scoffed as she glanced out her window while she dried her hair with a towel. When said Christmas carolers knocked on her door, she didn't answer as she would rather have them believe she wasn't home.

As she laid against her bed, her wet hair sprawled around her body, Shion's words replayed in her mind.

She found that she couldn't refute the statement. She really hadn't tried to live her since she came back. A part of her still had one foot on the open road, as if she were waiting for any reason to run away. After all, she hadn't bought any furniture, just a bed. It was like she was afraid to even settle down here.

Those were her last thoughts before she fell asleep to the sound of clanking chains.

︎ -- ︎

RATTLE RATTLE. CLANK.

She awoke with a jolt at the sound of goddamn chains echoing over the hall. She took the knife hidden under her pillow and stood. There wasn't anywhere to hide since she lived in a studio apartment and one quick sweep was the limit of size in the room. Still, the chains were in the room with her, and with the darkness of the night, she was fairly certain that her hearing was at least undisturbed.

"Alright, very funny. Come out so I can kick your ass," Anomie said, taking a step forward, the cool breeze sweeping up her naked legs. She twirled her knife, glancing left to right as the sound grew louder.

"Fuyu."

"That is not my name," she said, although there was something oddly familiar about the voice that uttered it.

"Fuyu," the voice said in repeat, causing Anomie's brows to furrow as the banging of the door nearly made her jump. She took a step closer, but the banging continued.

"A poltergeist was not on the brochure when I bought this place," she muttered with a huff of annoyance.

"Fuyu!"

"Oh my god, what?" Anomie was seething now, wondering if this was going to be the rest of her night. That thought crashed against her around the same time that the chains got louder, as if they were dragging against the hardwood floor just outside her door. Then, they were not outside her door and instead a fully visible specter was in front of her.

Her eyes widened, and her grip tightened on the knife, tossing at the specter with quick aim. It went through its head and she fell on her ass in attempts to crawl away.

"Alright, that was fair," Tamaki Dairo said with a sigh as he slowly took a step. She crawled away some more, just so they could have at least some manner of distance.

"Alright. Okay," she whispered to herself. "Close your eyes and when you open them, he will be gone."

"He will not be," Tamaki assured her.

"Shut up," she snapped.

Her eyes were squeezed shut, and she couldn't breathe. This can't be happening.

He was actually tapping his nonexistent foot impatiently across from her and she was seeing red. She tried to control that anger, she tried to remember that--gods what are my rules?

"I can see you are going through a lot, but you know something 'Anomie'? So am I? I am carrying chains for fucks sake."

Her eyes snapped open, and she saw red. "I am going to blow this building up, and then maybe you won't be here."

"I mean, you could do that, but I'll still be here and then everything will be harder for the both of us."

"Don't care," she retorted, bringing her hands together.

"Whatever, it's kind of a lose lose for me," he said with a shrug, but shrugging was very difficult since he was covered in iron links.

She put her hands down, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, Fuyu, that my soul is linked to yours. You die, we are together for eternity not repenting."

She pressed her face into her palm. "This is a nightmare. My literal nightmare."

"Listen up, when you killed me-"

"Good times."

"When you killed me I had been trapped in the dark for a long fucking time where I had nothing more to do than think on my many crimes."

"Wow. Must have been tough for you," she replied with complete sarcasm. "Get to the part where it involves me and do it in five words or less."

He was scowling at her now, his anger palpable. He held up a heavy arm, dragged by, shocker, more chains. "My soul can't cross over-"

"Ah, you're out of words and I don't care."

"Listen up, you dumb bimbo. Our souls are linked. Something about how I am the reason you turned into a raging murderous lunatic."

"I am not a lunatic."

"Your go to action when you saw me was to blow this building up?"

Anomie glanced to the side, but she went silent at the idea that yes he might not be completely off base. "So what do you want?"

"I am just your warning." He sighed. "You don't want my fate. Each chain link is a life that I have destroyed, and this one," he referred to the giant piece of metal that was trapped around his neck in a collar. "This is your life. I am bound to your choices. When you die, this will be you and let me tell you, your chains will be much bigger."

"Ah."

"That's all you have to say? The fuck Fuyu?"

"That is not my damned name."

He took a deep breath. "I am trapped here for eternity unless you repent."

"Nah. I'm fine with you like this. Honestly, this is a win/lose situation, but I'm okay with that."

"Yeah, sure you are. Man this is pointless," he muttered, pressing his heavy hand into his face. "Either way, the three spirits will visit you in succession."

"No thanks."

"You don't get a choice!"

"So what? I'm supposed to just say 'fuck you' to three spirits and then you will be doomed forever."

"If that is what you want." Tamaki glanced down at the girl, and despite it all, his heart did swell with the pity that only ten plus years in the dark could create. "But if you want to keep living your life to spite me, instead of living it to be happy, wouldn't that mean I won?"

"Excuse me?" Anomie stood up now, her head tilting.

"I destroyed lives. I ended your mothers. There are no words that would express my feelings towards that."

"I don't want your words."

"Still," he ignored her. "You can hate me and live on happily at the same time. Don't brush off the spirits. They don't care about your soul. Only you can save it."

"I'm going to shove those chain links up your ass," Anomie said, and Tamaki knew that she wasn't really hearing anything he was saying.

"The first one will come at midnight tonight. The next one at the same time tomorrow. The last at midnight on Christmas eve." He stared her down, his form becoming one that she could see through until he was gone altogether. Still, his voice echoed before she could block him out entirely. "Don't spend your life in ruin because of me, Anomie."

She must have dreamed all of it, but she sat on her bed, crawled under the covers, and waited for midnight.

︎ -- ︎

When midnight had nearly run its way towards her, there was a knock at her door that caused her to jolt under her covers. She stood up straight, glancing around her heavy apartment that was riddled with the vast reminder that she had nothing. She shook that off as another heavy knock rang along the hardwood of her door. She stood up quickly, her eyes narrow as she walked closer.

Still, a spirit wouldn't knock, would it? More than that, she wasn't a frightened little child who would be scared away by the insanity of her getting a glimpse of her own afterlife. She tried not to picture his face, but Dairo popped up in every crevice of her mind and it reminded her that the burning hatred she thought to have severed with his head was still in every corner.

The door looked bigger in the dark, but she wasn't a scared child so she opened it with the expectancy of a phantom. Instead of that, she got Kakashi holding up a small Christmas tree. It couldn't have been more than four feet, but she stared at it as if it would never fit through the doorway. His expression was blank, and hers was even more deadpan as she waited for him to explain himself.

He did not. Instead he just nodded at her and walked past her with the small Christmas tree in hand. It was already decorated, and the glint of the glass ornaments in the moonlight made her wince. "What do you think you're doing?" Anomie was a patient woman, but Kakashi's disregard for her permission in her own very empty apartment was jarring.

"You didn't hand in your report," he answered, as if that explained anything. Perhaps he was just avoiding a real answer, which also wouldn't be very surprising as he continued his journey to set the tree a bit to the right of her fireplace.

"The tree, smartass," she commented, waving her hand at the atrocity that he continued to set down next to the outlet. He only looked at her for a moment before plugging it in and watching the small twinkling lights glow with a white haze. It was the only color in the apartment at the moment, for her lights were off and her bed spread was white.

"You didn't have one," he said, turning his gaze towards he as he made a move for the door.

"Yes. I didn't want one. You've given me clutter," she commented in return. Still he continued to walk out the door, but he paused to look around.

"This place could use a bit of clutter," he retorted.

"Wait, did you seriously come here to drop off a tree?" Anomie knew he was weird, but this was a bit much.

"I finished my report," he said in a monotone, as if he didn't want her reading him. "Saw that, bought it. That's all."

"Take it back. I don't even celebrate Christmas," she said, and he raised a brow.

"You're celebrating it this year."

"No I'm not. I'm sick this year," and for good measure, she coughed.

"I'll see you on the 25th," he told her, and turned to walk away and leave her gaping at him in return.

The door closed and she just stared at the tree with a frown. It wasn't even that she hated the holiday. It was more like she felt nothing for it. With that in mind, she unplugged the tree and left herself in darkness when midnight finally hit.

"Shame," a raspy voice echoed around her. "A pop of color was a change of pace."

She turned around just as her windows popped open as if the gust of wind outside was enough to make it fly open. "Whose there?" Anomie glanced left and right, but the cold air filtered through her body before she saw the blood on the ground in the shape of footsteps, leading to the door. Anomie thought about merely flash stepping to a bar, because fuck the spirits, but she didn't. Instead, she followed the steps of blood until she opened the door to her apartment and stared down the narrow and dim hallway.

The blood continued down the hall, and Anomie followed it, not bothering to lock her door behind her since what the hell would anyone steal?

She caught sight of silk robes, embroidered with roses and a backdrop of white, but the silk robes were to fast to turn the corner before Anomie could see the wearer. That being said, she sped her pace, now noticing the blood steps were thicker. There were droplets of blood littering the ground and it was splattered over the walls in the markings of red handprints. Just by the side of the handprints, Anomie could deduce that the spirit was that of a girl. However, she couldn't go further with that thought as the moment she caught sight of the white robed woman with splatters of red, that entirety of what was once the empty halls of her apartment building had bled out into the outside of a village.

The village was one she remembered well, right from the straw roofs and the wooden tori gate in the distance. Anomie's palms cupped her mouth as the sun shone against her skin just as she remembered. The laughter of a child in the distance and road in which she stood all felt so unreal. That was when she finally met Ohashi's gaze.

"Do you remember Kemuri fondly?" Ohashi asked, and Anomie felt her heart stop as the woman's voice matched her memories well.

"I do," Anomie whispered, taking a step forward as she spotted the blood that pooled around Ohashi's body. The wounds were the same as she remembered, the fatal injuries that ended the woman's life.

Ohashi smiled, her red lips as dark as the blood that decorated her kimono. "I am the spirit of Christmas past."

Anomie's growing smile at seeing her mentor disappeared. "Okay, I have some questions about the Christmas theme of this journey."

"Shut your mouth, Anomie."

"Alright, shutting my mouth."

"You have so many painful memories," Ohashi whispered, holding up her palm to her face as if she were staring at something in the complexion of her skin. She took a step forward, obviously not minding the pain of her injuries. Anomie had to remind herself that this was not Ohashi. It was merely a sadistic spirit in the shape of Ohashi. "There are just so many to choose from."

"I'm going to stop you right there," Anomie said, for the last thing she wanted to do was go through memory lane with a ghost. "I got the gist from the pedophile poltergeist. I'm fine with eternal damnation. If we agree to let this go, you can get on with your Christmas plans."

Ohashi let out a very in character laugh that forced Anomie back to memories of her mentor often being the only one to make Anomie smile back then. She had to once again remind herself that while seeing Ohashi was painful, it was a pain she could handle.

"This isn't about his soul." Ohashi tilted her head and the vision of Kemuri faded from around them. Instead, they were in a lavish room with the real Ohashi bleeding out on the ground from the wounds inflicted. Anomie saw herself crying from over the body.

"I've already seen this vision from Orochimaru curse seal. I'm good," Anomie said, turning her head away.

"It is a great shame that so much intellect is wasted upon a girl who doesn't plan for the future," the spirit told her, sounding much too similar to Ohashi. "I am Ohashi, darling. I am both a spirit of her and of the the past of Christmas. Transcended. The Ghost of Christmas past is not a person alone, it is anyone the soul needs it be."

Anomie was lost, because she remembered the first night in Ohashi's company. Anomie had been terrified to so much as stand, she had been terrified that she'd be beaten, but Ohashi never raised a hand in such a way that Anomie broke. Anomie let out a breath, surprised air could still filter into her heart when the spirit's palm pressed against her cheek.

"I missed you, little one," the woman said, and Anomie's arms flew around her mentor's neck in a tight grip.

"I remember everything you ever taught me," Anomie assured her, and Ohashi chuckled. "I remember how to play the koto, I remember all your songs, and all your dances."

"Oh dear, Anomie," Ohashi whispered, pulling back. "I wish you would have remembered how live."

The scene around them changed and Anomie was staring out at her mother and a small version of herself. They were making mochi, the dough rested in each their fingers as they kneaded it with soft conversation. "Now Fuyu, if it gets too sticky, cover your hands with more rice flour."

"Okay mother," Fuyu said in return, her grin causing the missing tooth on her bottom front teeth all the more visible. Anomie felt her eyes burn, but she hardly was about to cry from a memory so soon.

"This was the first Christmas you remember, is not?" Ohashi asked, the black hair tucked in between her hair pins. It was disheveled due to the fact that this was her wounded body. That alone made it difficult for Anomie to look at her too long.

"I guess it is." Anomie watched as they prepared the mochi with a bit of the water that her mother collected from their well. Anomie took a step closer. "You know something...I was lonely often."

"I know that," Ohashi whispered.

Anomie ran her fingertips over the memory of her mother's homemade mochi. It was sprinkled with bits of rice flour and had a single strawberry on top. "But I was happy, you know? I remember the way they taste. They were warm and sweet like honey." Anomie got on her knees, cupping her palms over the memory of the mochi as she stared at her mother's bright blue eyes and stunningly red hair as she prepared the next one.

Ohashi watched from across the room, head tilted, as Anomie pressed her forehead into the wooden table only to slip right through it. The girl's white hair was loose in wavy curls that rested far down to her knees as she rested her head into palms.

"You haven't tasted a bite of mochi since your mothers," Ohashi stated, but Anomie couldn't answer. "You haven't smiled like that since your mother either." Ohashi referred to the bright and happy smile of Fuyu as she kneaded the dough with bright enthusiasm.

"There are so many things I want to ask her," Anomie said, turning her head and placing the ball of mochi back down on the table while her mother and Fuyu continued to make the dessert.

"What would you ask, Fuyu?" Ohashi questioned, pressing her fingers through the strands of Anomie's long hair.

Anomie didn't answer that. "On Christmas morning...I see families, you know? Everywhere...and they are just talking. They all smile and speak of the weather being cold or what they plan on eating."

"And you want that?" Ohashi asked, and Anomie tilted her head to the side, standing up and nearing her mother's face. The woman didn't see her, for memories couldn't touch. Anomie's fingertips hovered over the button nose and cool skin of her mom.

"I want to just talk to her. I want to tell that I'm sorry for..."

"Sorry for what?"

"This is stupid," Anomie dropped her hand. "We're done here. Memory lane here is over."

"You seem to hate vulnerability," Ohashi raised her hand, staring into her palm. "What are you scared of? A ghost cannot judge you." However, Anomie's face was surprisingly blank.

"Listen, I'm not interested in swapping stories over a fire. Dairo can stay as he is forever, and if I have to be covered in chains to make that happen, well." Anomie paused, staring at the memory of her mother. "That's fine too."

Ohashi frowned, and the scene changed. "Christmas for you is a source of great pain. Do you remember our first one?"

"No," Anomie whispered, her eyes hard.

"My daughter took a shine to you," Ohashi whispered, and Anomie's breath wavered.

"Yumeko is dead, Ohashi," Anomie retorted.

"Yes. She died," Ohashi said with a slow pause. "On Christmas no less and yet the one after that was a happy one."

She raised her hand and the old home of Anomie's past disappeared causing her heart to lurch as the image of her mom bled away before her very eyes. She bit her bottom lip and turned her gaze away. Watching them disappear was hard, but she was strong enough to bite back any compliant.

"This was the first time I saw you smile, Anomie," Ohashi whispered, as Anomie was forced to watch yet another memory.

The vision of her old form, likely eight years old at this time, was a difficult sight to see as Ohashi held her hand and walked her into a small room with an even smaller tree. There were candles filling every crevice, and seeing it, even in memories brought a very similar expression on Anomie's face, mirroring her eight year old self. The wide eyes, the ghost of a Christmas smile, and the beautiful paintings of snowfall that covered the walls.

"Do you like it, Anomie?" The old memory of Ohashi was just as kind as Anomie remembered as she took her small hand in hers and led her into the room. "I procured some...decorations for today."

The small form of Anomie was still, as if afraid that a small misstep would shatter the glass ornaments that decorated the tree. "Why?" The child Anomie glanced towards her mentor with wide eyes. "Why waste the time?"

Ohashi's lips cracked into a smile, "Wasted time, now is it?" Ohashi let go of the child Anomie's hand, taking a step towards towards the tree. "How is it a waste of time?"

"The tree has been uplifted from the ground," the child Anomie said in a monotone. "With nothing to sustain it, the bark will die, the pine leaves will rot, and nothing will be left."

"What a cynical thing to say," the ghost of Christmas Past whispered.

"Cynical maybe," Anomie agreed. "But no less true."

"It's not about preserving the life of the tree, Anomie," Ohashi told her, running her fingertips along the pine needles. "It's about taking solace in the holiday it represents."

"Holidays are for people with freedom to celebrate. What is the point?" The child Anomie, nonetheless, took a step forward, her fingers dancing over the small flames of the candle light. With so many in the room, it was a wonder how easy it would be to burn the house made of shoji paper to the ground.

"We are free right now, at this moment," Ohashi whispered, and child Anomie glanced over to her with a tilt of the head. "Remember they can own our flesh, sweet child. But our hearts, our souls, those belong to us. Once you start thinking 'what is the point', then it's as if you have given up living entirely." Ohashi took a step closer to child Anomie, in her hands was a beautifully decorated present.

"What is that?" Child Anomie had never truly received a gift for Christmas at this point, but as Ohashi knelt down in front of her with a sweet smile that revealed so much of her soul, that was a moment she remembered.

"It's a gift. Dear sweet, I vow to keep on living," Ohashi promised, holding out the present and watching child Anomie take it in her palms with a confused tilt of her head. "After Yumeko, I thought that this world wasn't worth the pain, but you know what, Anomie?"

Anomie watched from a distance as the only time she had ever seen Ohashi cry came into full fruition. Anomie wished she could go back and change so many things, but not this moment. She needed to keep this moment safe in her heart.

"What?" Child Anomie had been confused, for Ohashi hadn't shed a single tear the night Yumeko was murdered, and yet now those tears were covering her face in rain.

"People will die everyday. That is life and it is hard and painful and there will be times you won't remember how to live it. That's why you have to live. You have to love those around you because we need others, and it's okay to lean on them and it's okay to love them. I love you deeply, Anomie. I will live for you until I remember how to live for myself."

The child Anomie, for the first time since her mother, smiled and it was as if she finally saw the lights on the tree, the decorations, the candles, and she loved them almost as much as she loved Ohashi.

"You clung to me, replacing your daughter with me," Anomie whispered as the memory began to fade.

"Is that what you think?" Ohashi laughed. "No, dear sweet. The human heart is capable of loving more than one. You would know. You've loved quite a few."

"I understand the point you are trying to make, Ohashi," Anomie whispered, and she glanced towards the woman.

"And I understand why you cannot seem to buy even vase for your place, Anomie."

"And why is that?" Anomie was exhausted, and not just because it had to be past midnight and she was till awake.

"Because, dear sweet girl, it's not that you do not know how to live anymore. No, it's because you're not sure you want to."

Anomie didn't get a chance to retaliate, for the floor slipped out from underneath her and she was being sucked into the hardwood. It curled around her body, feeling more than a little real, and by the time the wood sucked in over her face she was already gasping out breath after breath. She was on her hands and knees on the ground, trying to catch her breathing as she spotted Ohashi's feet out in front of her.

"You are a difficult one." It was not Ohashi speaking anymore, and instead it was an old man, who looked ninety if Anomie was being generous with years. His hair was long, past his waist, and his eyes were barely visible through the wrinkles. What Anomie could see of his eyes were a milky white, making her wonder if he could see her at all.

"I take it you are the true form of the spirit of Christmas whatever," Anomie said with breathy sigh.

"I know the night in which you fear. It haunts you, Anomie." He leaned forward, pressing his fingertips against her cheeks, tracing her jaw. Her heart stopped in her chest at the sound of rain in the background. The rain was heavy, as if it wanted to bring the house down.

"Stop crying, Fuyu! He paid for you, you have to go!"

Anomie's eyes widened at the voice, at the smell of salt in the air, at the room littered with rips in the tatami mats that covered the ground. Her hands sunk into it and was able to feel the wood underneath. She stared back at the spirit with her chest heaving. "Take me home. Not this one. Not this memory."

"You fear the past," the spirit told her, and now it was Ohashi speaking, looking at her as a mother would. "But don't run from it, Anomie. What good has that done you?"

"I don't want to be here." Anomie was begging now, clutching at Ohashi's robes. Still the woman took no mercy, and that was when Anomie heard his voice.

"It's alright. She'll stop crying after a couple days." Dairo was laying against the tatami mat, and in his palm was the flat cylinder sakazuki cup with the clear liquid sloshing around as he circled it.

The older courtesan gave him a pitying frown before staring at the disobedient six year old girl. She sighed, tossing the child Anomie into the room and closing the doors.

"It was Christmas, only a couple days after he killed your mother," Ohashi whispered, glancing over to Anomie who had gone still.

"Please stop," both the memory of Anomie and the real one said this at unison as Tamaki Dairo took another sip from the sake.

"This is your fault, you know? Come here," Dairo whispered, sitting up and holding out an unsteady hand. He was drunk, Anomie as she was now could comprehend that. Still, his order didn't reach the six year old's mind for she refused to move.

"This was the Christmas you did not wish to remember," Ohashi whispered, and Anomie glanced over to her. "Do you still picture that night, Anomie?"

"It was three weeks," Anomie whispered. "Three weeks he bought me for."

"I am not showing you this to hurt you, Anomie," Ohashi promised. "Do you remember the third week?"

Truthfully, there were so many memories Anomie had locked away that some came impossible to access. "I do not."

"There's something you need to see," Ohashi whispered, and the rainy room melted away until they were staring at a courtesan that Anomie did not recognize speaking in hushed whispers to another courtesan

"It's been two weeks. What is happening to her is cruel," the courtesan whispered. "And that man is the vile sort."

"What do you suppose we do? It is not illegal to buy her time."

"No," the first courtesan said, tucking a strand of brown hair. "But we can buy her time instead. Just to give her a break."

"What message would that send to the other girls?" The second courtesan asked.

"No one can know. Dairo won't be in the village long. We just need to buy her time until he leaves."

"That would cost all your funds."

"She doesn't deserve to be with her mother's killer."

The two courtesans melted away, leaving Anomie staring blankly at the space they stood. "I never met them...I don't remember them."

Ohashi turned her head. "Of course not, Anomie. You were never any good at seeing past your own suffering to the kindness of others."

"And what is your point?"

"You are covered in armor." Ohashi pressed her fingers against the soft silver of Anomie's hair. "You refuse to take it off and it's weighing you down. Due to that, you have become cruel." The courtesans disappeared, and what was left was the dark burning room with Uchiha slain with their eyes gouged out. Anomie's heart stopped. The bodies smelled just as she remembered, but just as they melted away, the next round of bodies that littered the ground a village she remembered from the past. "What of them Anomie? What crime did they do to enact your wrath?"

Anomie stared down at them, her eyes narrow. "They were a message. I used them to send a message."

Ohashi smiled, "Their body parts you organized."

Anomie's jaw clenched. "Yes."

"You didn't care for their families. You never think of their children, their husbands, their pets. No. Instead, you see only the misery of your past, but you see none of the kindness or the good. You can't move on Anomie, and for that, you have become as much a spirit as I, only so much crueler than you ever meant to be."

And with that revelation, Ohashi was gone, and Anomie was standing alone in the hallway of her apartment building.

︎ -- ︎

The morning didn't feel very bright. This wasn't due to some metaphor about depression, but rather that the clouds had covered the sun and the streets were packed with snow that covered the ground in a layer of white. Anomie watched the children outside play with their siblings, laughing as they threw wads of snow at one another. She traced her fingertips along the glass, making designs in the through the fog of her breath.

She didn't mind the cold, and as she sat upon the window seal, her mind race back to Ohashi's last words. They were words she never dared utter to herself, but now that they were out in the open, she realized the weight of the truth.

"You're not sure you want to."

There had been a time when Anomie considered death. Still, she always thought she deserved the punishment of life. Death seemed like an easy way out, but she never took those final steps. She was afraid of them. She was afraid of the afterlife.

Perhaps that was why she was so quick to let any chance of a relationship with Kakashi slip through her fingers. That was why she unplugged the lights of the tree. That was why she was sitting on a window seal utterly alone.

He had done all he could to save her and he had done all he could to help her ear a place in this village. He didn't deserve the thoughts in her mind, but she couldn't help herself.

She watched the children play, thinking back to all those unlucky sick kids who would spend their holiday in a hospital while she spent hers contemplating death. It was selfish, but even they had their parents and families in Konoha.

"Mom," Anomie whispered, closing her eyes. "I'm sorry for being a bad daughter."

Of course, a ghost couldn't answer, at least not until midnight.

A rock flew against the window while her eyes were closed, and Anomie nearly fell off the window seal and met the eyes of Naruto Uzumaki as he remained stuck to the stones of her apartment building. She raised a brow, opening the window to the cold gust of wind that swept against her body.

"I need to borrow you," Naruto said the moment the window was open.

"Excuse you?" Anomie was now raising both brows, annoyed that her depressing morning was interrupted by the Hokage himself.

"It's mine and Shion's first Christmas as a couple and-"

"No."

Naruto pouted, "You didn't even hear the rest."

"I don't have to. You lost my interest at 'it's mine'."

Naruto grinned. "Listen, Obaa-san, I've invited you ten-"

"What did you just call me?" Anomie stood up off the window seal with narrowed eyes.

Naruto paled, "No. Wait. I didn't mean it!"

Anomie pushed him off the building and watched him fall with a betrayed gaze. It didn't last long since he was a ninja and the Hokage, so he was quick to flash step into her apartment.

"Why are you women so sensitive about age?" Naruto grumbled.

"Wow. Shion's a lucky girl," Anomie muttered, wondering if anyone would care if she murdered the Hokage.

"I've invited your ten times. It's just a small gathering of friends-"

"We are not friends."

"We're family. Isn't that better?" Naruto was grinning while Anomie stared up into the ceiling and counted to ten, trying to remind herself of the good times when he wanted her dead instead of at his party.

"I'm not interested Naruto. Please use the door this time," she said, but his attention was taken aback as he finally got a good look at her place. She made a mental note to buy a couch so people stop making such a huge deal about the lack of shit she had.

"I always expected you to be a chronic shopper. Shion's always complaining that our place is covered with ramen containers," Naruto said with a sheepish grin.

"I don't care," Anomie said with a sigh. "Listen, as fun as this has been, I have a mission."

Naruto scoffed. "I'm the one who assigns missions. That's a weak lie."

"Sorry, it's against the rules of the mission to talk to you about the mission. You should go."

"Okay, just remember, Christmas, at six. I expect to see you there," Naruto said, and in moments he was gone.

Anomie stared at the place where the lively boy had disappeared with a sigh. She was already exhausted, and now that her window was open, she was cold. She walked up to the window and shut it tight before she walked over to her bed and laid down, waiting for midnight.

When midnight finally came, however, she was already over the whole spirit thing. That being said, the chimes of a clock striking midnight made her jump. This was due to the fact that she didn't own a chiming clock. As many people have made it quite clear, she owned very little.

It was in that valuable and curious moment that she caught sight of a figure outside her window, standing alone in the snow, and in the dark. Anomie's eyes widened, and perhaps if it had been anyone else, she might have just ignored that person. However, that was Rin, standing in all her beautiful glory and staring up at her.

Then she turned and began to walk away. Anomie rushed to open her window, missing the time when she actually had a balcony. She popped her head out, the cold air much too frigid on her skin and she risked the wind to turn into smoke and float down to her. By the time she made it to solid ground with her heels sinking in the snow.

"It's been a busy couple nights for you, Anomie," Rin whispered, her head tilted to the side as Anomie froze at the sound of her voice.

"You were dragged into this then?" Anomie pressed her fingers against her temples.

"More like I volunteered, for you have been quite busy thwarting all other attempts to help you mend the life that you shattered." Rin turned to walk away, leaving Anomie to follow.

"I understand the message, but what does all this have to do with Christmas?" Anomie asked, and she was already rather bored with the journeys down memory lane. "And which spirit are you?"

Rin scowled at her in such a way that Anomie was reminded of her friend's old temper. "I am not going to show you memories that cause you harm, An-chan. I am here to search the blizzard that is your heart."

"That's a bit rude, but I mean-"

"And I will pull that ember that I know is buried deep." Rin sounded confident that such a spark even existed, but Anomie was not too sure. She may not have liked anything that Ohashi had come to say, but none had been lies.

"And if you only find ice?" Anomie asked, feeling a shiver travel the journey of her spine. Rin's eyes were hard, as if daring Anomie to disagree.

Rin began to walk forward, and Anomie felt inclined to follow. She wasn't ready to depart. She was never ready to say goodbye. "You once saved my soul from Orochimaru, An-chan. Please let me save yours now."

Anomie was silent, and though they walked with normal steps, the village moved around them as if they had walked miles in seconds. Before long, they were standing in front a shrine. "What is this?" Anomie asked, and Rin turned her head towards her closest friend.

"You killed many anbu that day for a sliver of Orochimaru's trust, did you not?" Rin asked, watching a group of people, many elderly, many children, and many adults. Among the group was the grey haired woman by the name of Nara Anemone.

Anomie's eyes narrowed. "It was necessary."

Rin's glare sharpened. "Necessary? Yes. You said as much to Anemone once. Her bother died because it was necessary. That is his grave." Rin pointed straight ahead. "They come to it every year, but Anemone comes nearly everyday. She is stuck in mourning because you felt it was necessary."

"I told him that to be in anbu it was an honor," Anemone whispered, her gaze turning to that of who Anomie could only assume was her mother. "He was following my steps. I killed my brother."

The old woman held onto the girl's hand and squeezed.

"You did great things with those men's blood on your hands, Anomie," Rin whispered, but Anomie was staring at the gravestone that she had never seen in person before. In fact, Anomie had never visited a grave of a person she had killed. "But you liked it, didn't you?"

"Who cares if I liked it," Anomie said, her narrowed gaze shifting to Rin. "I saved many through their blood. I saved this village. Does the results not cancel the means to get them?"

Rin's gaze was sad. "Those are excuses. If you believed that, then why do you refuse to live?"

Anomie's brows knitted. "If that man's death is linked to mine, I don't care what happens to my soul."

"All the misery you have caused is due to your insistence with thinking through the lens of hatred and resentment." Rin took a step closer, her feet tracking no prints through the snow. "This isn't about Tamaki Dairo. This is about you. This is about your sins. This is about making things right. This is about you living with them, not dying for them."

Anomie looked away, feeling as if she were being crushed. "Do you hate me, Rin?"

Rin's gaze softened, "An-chan, I will always love you." Anomie met her gaze then.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she admitted. "I came back, but how can I be here when there are people who will always know I do not belong?"

"By living your best life and making amends for all the wrongs you've done."

"And if I can't?" Anomie met Rin's unflinching stare and watched the girl reach over and press her fingers against Anomie's hand.

"Anomie, don't you realize the opportunities you are wasting?" Rin whispered with with a slow pause.

Anomie glanced towards the grave stone, but it was no longer there. Instead, Kakashi stood rested his head against the countertop with an empty bowl next to his arms. It was a restaurant from the looks of it, and next to him was his book, closed and untouched. Anomie raised her brow.

"Is this what he does when he's not barging into my house and dropping off dead plants?" Anomie scoffed.

Rin glanced towards her with a scowl. "No. He comes here often, usually staring into nothing. Usually he's thinking about you. Lately however, thoughts of you have become exhausting. This is him considering moving on."

Anomie glanced over to the waitress who kept sneaking glances at the former Hokage. She was a pretty thing, for a waitress. Anomie chided herself for the thought since she was hardly in a position to judge someone based on their occupation. It was odd for her to feel guilt for harsh thoughts, after all, she came up with mean nicknames for dying children. Still, guilt was what she felt and it was humbling.

"You've been here quite a few times," the brown haired girl said, wiping her palms on her apron. "I'm starting to think you're here to see me." She picked up his empty bowl with a smooth smile.

Kakashi glanced up, his eyes in a deadpan. "Maybe I am."

Her eyes widened, nearly dropping the bowl on the ground. "W-What?"

He didn't say anything, he only grabbed his book and stood up. "Have a good night, Ayame."

"Who in the fuck?" Anomie asked, since Kakashi had mentioned moving on before, but never dropped any names.

"Her name is Ayame," Rin stated, and Anomie glanced over.

"Yeah I got that," Anomie snapped without heat. "I mean, yeah, she's cute, in an ugly sort of way." Shit is this jealousy?

"You want so badly to continue down the path you're on, and you will lose him," Rin warned.

When she woke up, she was going to burn the ramen stand to the ground. However, before she could get further with the imagination filled with arson, Rin slapped her across the head. "Ow. What was that for?"

"I am not showing you this so you can add to your crime spree," Rin snapped.

"The reasons why I'm being shown this are unclear. Excuse me for misunderstanding," Anomie retorted, meeting Rin's gaze with a scowl.

"You've made it obvious you have no interest in life, An-chan," Rin told her. "So why does it matter that he goes on with his?"

Anomie's face went white. "I told him we had no future together. I told him he should find someone else."

Rin's expression grew sad. "Why did you say that?"

"I'm protecting him." Anomie was not certain of her own words, and Rin must have know the same as her expression grew weary.

"The last spirit is who decides your fate, Anomie. It will not care for excuses or lies. It will weigh your heart and if it is unworthy," Rin paused from her talking to squeeze her eyes shut. That brought a touch of fear to tremble along Anomie heart. "If you are unworthy, then you will be judged accordingly."

"Can you stay with me?" Anomie felt pathetic, but Rin only pressed her lips against her forehead.

"I want to see you wrinkly and old, Anomie."

Then the girl was alone in her bedroom with the sun rising in the distance.

︎ -- ︎

Due to the lack of sleep for two nights, Anomie was more than a little cranky as she sipped her water with a chug, jumping at every brush of wind on her window. Her body was trembling with the cold, her head was pounding from lack of sleep, and due to her lack of eating, she was nauseous. Eating had been a problem for a long time, but with her nights being haunted, food wasn't at the top of her list on cravings.

She thought about burning 'Ayame's' ramen stand to the ground before she met with the last spirit, but she didn't. For one, it was petty and, Anomie suspected, an idea that sprung about from too many days awake. More than that she had a feeling Kakashi would know it was her, and that would be humiliating.

'Oh? Ayame who? You mean the bitch you thought about moving on with? No I don't know where the fire came from. I'm afraid of fire and don't enjoy it all.'

Anomie decided against her plans to burn a stand to the ground until after she had some sleep, some food, and some sense. If she still had that urge, then fuck it. Good fucking bye Ichiraku. More than that, it would make Naruto cry and that was two birds with one stone.

The chiming of the bell made her jump, surprised to see that time moved towards midnight as if she had lost the entirety of her day in a haze. She barely had a moment to think before she saw her breath visibly exit her lips in a cold fog.

She turned around, but the moment she did she was no longer in her room and instead near an empty field. The grass had been burned as she walked forward. Whatever happened here had taken the majority of the grass and foliage with it. Anomie took another step. That was when she spotted a black hooded figure standing in the middle of the clearing. The black charred ground spread around her in the shape of a circular burn that spread a good distance.

"Who are you?" Anomie asked this, and the black figure beckoned her closer. She took these steps gingerly as this was a ghost she did not recognize. The man's lips were sown shut. She nearly tripped over her own foot, but she held back her surprise since in her long life, she had seen stranger people.

The man's head tilted, his eyes a deep silver as he glanced back at the ground. She followed his gaze and her breath hitched in her throat as she saw the outline of something in the grass. It was the burned imprint of a body, huddled and bent, arms splayed out.

"Is that my death?" Anomie was smart enough to understand that past comes before present, and this ghost proceeded present so must have been the future. He must be showing her her own future. Her lips pursed with concentration, her eyes narrowed. "Ah. Burned to nothing, alone in a field. Typical."

She knelt down and ran her fingers along the burned grass. Something about the sight made her nostalgic, yet this was the end she always thought she was going to have. Knowing and seeing, however, was jarring to her overweening imagination.

"Did I do this to myself?" Anomie whispered, her breath hit hitching.

Of course she did. She must have because this was an end she always felt fitting. More than that, she recognized the place she was standing. It was Kemuri, or rather, what was left of it. She saw the broken tori gate in the far away distance.

"Coming here to die?" Seeing it was rather lonely. "Where is Kakashi?"

She wished she could think of anything else, but his face was the first one on her mind. She never would have expected she'd be the type of girl who got faced with her own death and a boy was the first thing on her mind. Still, she couldn't help it. Love was tricky that way. Despite all her shortcomings, despite the fact that he obviously had options, he still had not cut her out of his life.

Despite how she doesn't deserve him, she still had the audacity to off herself in the middle of a field. She knew that was what happened, since the only time she ever thought of Kemuri, it was with thoughts very similar to this. Death by fire in a village that meant smoke felt all too poetic.

"What do I do," Anomie whispered as the grass disappeared from her touch and she was in a the dark unknown instead. "Spirit of death, what next? Where is this?"

The spirit didn't answer, only keeping himself busy with glancing up. Anomie followed his gaze and her eyes widened as she saw the form of Anemone from above. The girl was on the highest top that overlooked Konoha, and Anomie was able to make out the faces on top of the mountain's carvings. All the Hokages stared down at her as Anemone kneeled over, clutching a photo that Anomie couldn't see.

The moment the desire to know filtered in through Anomie's defenses, she was standing there, just next to the girl. The spirit still hadn't made any motions, but Anomie was already accepting that it wasn't likely about to do anything other than show Anomie terrible things.

"I'm sorry for being a bad sister," Anemone whispered, tossing the picture off the mountain. As it floated down, Anomie was able to see the image of a brother and sister hugging each other and posing for the camera. Still, the words she said cut clean through Anomie's usual apathy. Just as the ice had begun to melt, Anemone took a single step off the mountain.

Anomie stood up straight, he eyes widening as the scene went black. "What the hell just happened?" Anomie turned towards the spirit. "Did she just...over her brother?"

The spirit didn't answer, and instead the world around them melted to a grave next to another. It was the Nara shrine, and with it, the two siblings were laid to rest next to one another. Anomie had killed many people, but she had never gotten to know any of them. It was easier for them to seem less real that way. She supposed that was her way of coping through the trauma.

She knelt down to the grave. "This is my fault." She always managed to get through her actions by forgetting they happened, but obviously those ripples still manage to persist. "This is all my fault."

The spirit of Christmas Future's eyes were unblinking.

"This is why..." Anomie pressed her palm into her eyes. "This is why I don't deserve redemption offers. This is why I won't say I'm sorry or admit my fault. It was necessary. A death alone in a village that means smoke, that is my fate and it's too good for me." She looked away, picking at the grass below her and was surprised to see that she could even touch it. "Still, if there is something you can change, change her fate and if I could have but five minutes in this world, I will do all in my power to see it changed."

The air grew cold from around her, only to see that the spirit was gone and she was alone in a graveyard. It wasn't just any graveyard, but instead still the Nara shrine and the sun had only begun to rise. Anomie stood up quickly, turning around with disoriented slowness, only to see Anemone's grave was nowhere to be found and she could feel the morning air.

"I'm awake." Anomie pressed her fingertips to her cheeks with a slow motion. "I'm awake." Her eyes ran to Nara Akinari's grave and nearly felt her eyes water. Is that guilt?

"What are you doing here?" Anemone asked, her voice as cold as the snow that had begun to fall.

Anomie's back stiffened, and she turned her head. The two had managed to avoid each other since Anomie's return to the village, a feat made possible with Anemone's quitting of the Shinobi life. "I came to see you."

"You saw me. Now leave," Anemone said, and like always, managed to keep the anger from her voice. Now that Anomie thought back on it, Anemone always managed to keep up her proper act around her. She was the better one of the two indeed.

"I'm not here to apologize," Anomie said, tracing her fingertips to the Nara's grave.

"Leave and don't you dare touch that," Anemone said, now unable to conceal the anger. Anomie let out a smile, careful to hide it.

"I can't." Anomie noticed that the clothes the other girl was wearing were the same ones she had worn in the vision the spirit had shown her. "I've become haunted with memories."

"I don't care."

Anomie glanced over. "Yes you do. You hate me. I understand that very well. I was younger than you when I first knew hatred. I was younger than you when the thoughts of ending my life first occurred, so that being said, I understand your mind."

Anemone was silent, her eyes hard and her lips in a line.

"And you are not a bad sister," Anomie said, staring up into the sun that remained covered behind angry clouds. Before she could think otherwise, Anemone's fingers were up against her neck and Anomie's back was slammed into the shrine. In the process, a vase of flowers fell and shattered against the stone ground.

"I should kill you," Anemone whispered, and the first girl noticed the red discoloration around the former Shinobi's eyes. "I should."

"You are not a murderer," Anomie whispered, resigned to the fate of allowing herself to be killed. "I cannot make anything right. I cannot bring back the dead. Still, I can dedicate my life to making amends."

Anemone searched the girl's eyes, her own face hard with emotion.

Anomie continued. "To start with the process of righting my own wrongs, if killing me will ease your suffering, I will not fight back." Anemone's fingers tightened, as if the thought had really been a possible outcome. "Do whatever you must to keep on living. You have to live."

"You've truly changed, haven't you?" Anemone let go of the girl's throat.

"You really are too good," Anomie whispered, rubbing the red spots that covered her bruising neck.

"I wasn't planning on living," Anemone said, glancing past Anomie to the stone with her brother's name written upon the polished marble. "I was planning on joining him."

"You blame yourself for his death," Anomie said, her brows furrowed. "You are not at fault. If he looked up to you so greatly, how would he feel if you tarnished his memory by ending your life?"

Anemone's palms flew to her face. "I can't believe I'm being comforted by his murderer."

"Why is it that you seem to hate yourself more than you hate me?" Anomie asked, glancing over to the stone.

"I don't know."

"Figure that out, Nara Anemone, before you make anymore rash decisions." Anomie decided to spare the girl anymore heartache on Christmas morning. "I cannot right my wrongs, but I will live with them and devote the rest of my life to being better. You have my word."

Anemone stared into nothing. "I will do the same."

When she glanced to the side, she caught sight of Tamaki Dairo in the distance, but his chains were nowhere to be seen. She frowned, but before she could do anything terrible, she felt two hands grip her arms with a ghostly chill.

"It's not about him," Ohashi whispered from her left.

"An-chan, it's about you. Let his hold over you go," Rin whispered from her right.

And for the first time, Anomie felt as if she could.

︎ -- ︎

Children were lively as Anomie walked down the street without any direction. The morning was filled with freshly spilled snow and twinkling lights that decorated the houses as the path before her curved and twisted. She felt a weight settle against her shoulders, and she didn't realize that it was because she was nervous for a long time. When she made her way to the Hokage's building, she climbed up the stairs and didn't bother knocking when she poked her head into the Hokage's office.

"Morning," she greeted Naruto, who jumped. "Are you diligiently working on Christmas?"

Naruto sighed. "Never would have thought that all being Hokage was is split in between doing paperwork and then talking about the paperwork after it's been done."

"Ahh," Anomie said, her lips curled as she took a step inside. Her fingers glided over the bookshelves that she doubted Naruto ever investigated judging by the dust on the medical tomes that were stacked over the middle of the case. "Sounds like a real chore. It's no wonder Tsunade would hide alcohol in her desk and--ah!" She pulled a bottle of sake--expensive no less--out from the cut out opening inside the giant medical tome.

Naruto stared with an open mouth before he grinned. "Just like granny Tsunade."

"Is it not?" Anomie grinned, grabbing two glasses from the small desk near the entrance and pouring them two shots.

"It's still early," Naruto reminded her.

"Never too early," she said, sitting on the corner and taking a drink. He shrugged and followed her motion.

"What's this about? You were quite hurtful yesterday," Naruto reminded her, and Anomie smiled to herself.

"Oh yes. Then again, you're rather annoying," Anomie replied.

"Mean."

"I've been thinking." Anomie swallowed, glancing out the window towards the outside village.

"Finally decided to hand in your rsvp to the wedding?" Naruto asked, and she scoffed.

"Oh god no and neither am I going to that party." Anomie smiled down at him. "It's not because of any hatred for you or apathy towards you and it's not personal. I just hate every one of your friends."

"It's starting to feel rather personal," Naruto said with his brows furrowed.

She took another sip from her drink. "I just came to say that I appreciate every single time you have offered and I do want you to be happy."

"I'd be happier if you came."

"Yeah?" Anomie swirled the drink in her hand. "I'll go for a price."

He grinned. "There's the Anomie I remember. What do you want?"

︎ -- ︎

She didn't know how long that she walked and she didn't even know what she was looking for until she saw his beautiful silver spikes in the distance.

He was seated at the ramen shop, smiling at a girl behind the counter when she considered letting him be happy. She considered that he could and should have a family by now. If she wasn't in his life, he could already be a father. He could already have a wife and support she may offer. She stopped, watching how he fit so well in her sights.

She couldn't have children. She couldn't give him 'normal'. She could offer so little, and he deserved so much. Still, she couldn't move her feet. The future she saw, alone and burned, was in her sights and perhaps a part of her would always reject any other future.

Regardless, she loved his smile. She loved the curvature of his jaw. She loved the fullness of his lips. She loved his heart, that seemed to always hold so much life and hope. When she was with him, the colors were far more saturated and the flowers were far more fragrant. Yes, she could never give him the normal marriage that a girl like 'Ayame' could likely give him, but she could love him.

She walked up to him, pressing her fingers against his shoulders and leaning close with a smile. "Merry Christmas, stranger," she whispered in his ear, watching Ayame from the corner of her eyes as the girl glanced in between the two with a stunned expression.

Kakashi had stiffened, his back straight and his head slightly tilted. "I don't think I've ever heard you say that before."

"Can I talk to you?" Anomie asked, her lips curved and she watched his adam's apple bob as he swallowed. It made her remember that no matter how long or how often they had embraced, each new touch felt the first.

"Sorry Ayame," Kakashi said, not even looking at the other girl.

"I-It's fine," Ayame whispered, her voice cracking.

Anomie held out her palm as she let him go, and he spun around his chair and stared at her outstretched hand. He didn't hesitate when he placed his own palm into hers, and the two of them disappeared in a cloud of smoke. They reappeared in a apartment that was beautifully decorated with vintage furniture. Her apartment.

"What's this?" Kakashi asked, and she smiled.

"It didn't feel as if anyone lived here, and after coming to an agreement with Naruto, he furnished it and I decided to try," she told him, before pausing. "I loved the tree."

He tilted his head to the side. "No you didn't. I bet you unplugged it."

"That's true," she agreed. "But I did like it."

"You're acting strange." Kakashi tilted his head to the side.

"I've been feeling...regret," she finally admitted, and his brows shot up. Still his fingers pressed against her face, causing her to lean into his palm.

"Are you actually telling me how you feel?" Kakashi whispered, knowing it was hard to even get her to admit she was feeling hungry let alone regretful.

"I came back to the village with you," she said, staring into his eyes. "But only in body. It seems my heart took the long way back."

His fingers felt so good against her skin and as she stared into his eyes she remembered every last time he ever touched her. Still, she owed him words. She owed him so much that she had been neglectful of giving him.

"When you said we shouldn't be together," she said, and her heart pulsated beneath her ribs. "I agreed quickly."

"Yeah, you did."

"It wasn't because I didn't care. It was because I wasn't certain I would stay."

"I know," he told her.

"I'm staying," she assured him. "I don't know if there is still room for me in there." She pressed her palm against his chest and felt the beating match her pulse. "I don't know if you still even want me...regardless, I want you. I want all of you. I want to live a full life with you."

He chuckled, pressing his hand against his own eyes, his mask around his neck as he smoothed his palm over his face. "Are you joking?"

Her brows furrowed. "Joking? Of course not."

"Then I must not be doing something right," he told her and then he was kissing her. He was kissing her so hard that she thought the ground had disappeared from beneath her feet and she was drowning. His hands were woven in her hair and his back had bent forward with one arm tucked into the arch of her back while he pulled her close. She wound her arms around his neck and squeezed him close.

When he pulled away it was only to allow them to breathe before he could kiss her again and again as if he wanted to do only that forever.

"I don't know what the future holds, but I want to spend every last Christmas, birthday, and every single day after that with you," he reminded her, pressing his forehead against hers.

Her eyes were burning when she nodded her head. "And there's no one else?"

He scoffed. "I tried. I considered, but then I'd see you and it was like I fell in love all over again."

She smiled, her eyes shining with tears. "That's good to hear because I want, more than anything, to live the rest of my life with you. I can't give you so many things, but I can finally give you all of me."

"If you're talking about children, I don't care," he told her, wiping away the tears with both his thumbs as his fingers warmed her ears. "I want you in whatever way I can have you. If you want them, they don't even have to be ours."

She reached forward and placed a chaste kiss upon his lips. "Well, I would like to take that one step at a time. Shion mentioned I have a severe lack of a diamond ring. I am not opposed to having one."

He grinned. "You mean it?"

"I mean, diamonds are beautiful and I'm actually a rather material girl."

He chuckled. "Trust me, I know, but that's not what I meant."

She stared up into the eyes she loved so greatly and pressed her fingertips against the shape of his scar. She reached forward, feeling him shudder against her body as she dragged her lips over the edge of his eye and down the length of the scar. "I know," she whispered against his skin. "I want to live and if you wish it, I think I'm ready to finally have a last name I can be proud to own."

"Hatake Anomie?" Kakashi was grinning and she felt a lightness in her heart at the sound of his voice.

"Yeah. I'd like that," she agreed and he pulled her in for another kiss, dragging her to the perfectly made bed. She felt her back cushion against the comforter and giggled when his lips ran down her neck. "As much as I would love to stay in bed the entirity of Christmas, as per my agreement, we do have to go to Naruto's stupid party." Kakashi's lips trailed down, lifting up her shirt as his kisses ran along her stomach.

He smiled up at her, the devious light in his eyes. "We have time."

"Well, lets see how much we can squeeze into the next four hours," she replied and he smiled one more time before he continued to trail kisses down her stomach.

︎ -- ︎

"An-chan!" Shion shouted as Anomie sent her a thin smile.

"Yeah, don't call me that," Anomie ordered glancing past the girl to where Naruto was chatting with Sasuke. Anomie raised a brow.

"Yeah, I didn't think he would come either. Turns out I'm awfully persuasive," Shion said as she followed Anomie's gaze towards the moody raven haired kid who Anomie was certain had been the one to pass the transport of Konoha's sick ward on Anomie and Kakashi's shoulders. Anomie's eyes narrowed, but she paused when she sunk into Kakashi's palm that rested on the middle of her back.

"He sucks. Where's Tsukasa?" Anomie asked, since she was certain that said former sensei was the first one who wouldn't make dumb conversation.

Shion cracked a grin, "you think I could get her to come to a party thrown by Naruto?"

Anomie slightly smiled, glancing over to Kakashi, who looked like Naruto's house was the last place in Konoha that he would ever wish to be. She loved him all the more for his willingness to suffer alongside her.

"Wait," Shion paused, grabbing Anomie's hand as the glint of a ring caught in her vision. She gasped at Anomie and Kakashi, and Anomie's face turned white as Shion pulled Anomie forward.

"No, stop," Anomie said, reaching for Kakashi but he had shoved both his hands in his pockets with a look that she could read perfectly as 'you're on your own.' "You traitor." Kakashi smiled, turning his back to search for the food.

"Naruto!" Shion called out, and almost immediately the boy glanced away from Sasuke with a smile.

"Did you have to find someone as loud as you?" Sasuke questioned with a rub of his temples.

"I kicked your ass many times before, I will do it again," Shion said with a scowl before holding up Anomie's hand to show off the ring. "Guess who finally popped the question?"

"I thought the day might never come," Naruto said, rubbing his eyes as Anomie's face contorted in a disgusted expression. "I feel like a proud father. Come on, give me a hug!"

Anomie pulled her arm out of Shion's surprisingly tight grasp. "Gross. Don't touch me."

"So cruel!" Naruto stated.

"Wow. So he finally brought out the ring," Sakura said, appearing from beside Anomie with a celebratory glass of champagne. Anomie took it without hesitation, downing it in one gulp. "Our boy picked that out months ago. I nearly thought he lost it."

Anomie's glanced down at her hand where the diamond glinted. Shion compared her own with a forlorn expression. "Look how eloquent and dainty it is, and not at all ostentatious or hideous." Shion let out a sigh.

"Naruto," Anomie said, deciding to get a bit of last minute revenge for the announcement. "Shion hates the ring you gave her."

She smiled, winking at Sasuke before turning around to the sound of Shion's assurances that, "of course not. No I love it. It's not at all a resemblance to what I'd imagine Orochimaru would pick out in a jewelry store."

"How dare you!" Naruto said in surprise.

"Girl, you gotta work on your lies," Sakura said.

Anomie found Kakashi and slipped her arm around his. "So, we came, I created a fight between the new couple. I'd say we've done our job."

Kakashi sighed, "must you always cause problems."

"I hear you got this ring months ago," Anomie said with a smile, ignoring his insinuation as she pressed herself in between his front and the buffet table.

He raised his brows. "I did."

He was never bashful on his feelings, and for that she always respected him. "Well, would you like to see what I picked up a few hours ago from a," she leaned into his ear and her voice lowered to a whisper, "very inappropriate store?"

"What was that?" Kakashi's fingers trailed down her elbow, careful to show very little public touching since he was in his former students home.

She smiled, biting her bottom lip as her fingers trailed over to the opening of her kimono. He saw the vague outline of a satin bow. He could tell it was a ribbon in the shape of what one may find on a present. A small motion to untie it would have the entire thing falling off her body. He gulped hard at her devious smile.

"I admit, I am not that great at wrapping presents," she warned him, her eyes sparkling. "So you won't have trouble taking it off the ribbon."

"Alright. We are going," Kakashi announced to Gai who had appeared on his left to offer the man a congratulatory pat on the back.

"You only just got here," Gai said with a confused frown, glancing between the two with his this brows furrowed. "I was going to congratulate you two on your engagement."

"Yeah. Thanks for that, but you see, I forgot to turn off the stove." Kakashi grabbed Anomie's wrist and pulled her out of the house as she rolled her eyes.

"I like congratulations in the form of gifts, Gai," she told him, giggling as she followed Kakashi.

"I have no idea what just happened," Gai told Kurenai who had taken to drinking her sake with a scoff.

"They're going to go have sex," she told him and he gasped. She turned on her heel to walk away. "Moron."

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I want to wish you all a wonderful new year and I hope your Christmas was spectacular!

It's been such an amazing year and I feel so proud of all I managed to accomplish. This story has grow immensely and you all should know that this was once a very possible idea to how the actual Chasing Smoke would end. Of course, minus the ghosts and all!

Still, when you see the actual ending, I know you all will (hopefully) like that too!

I have so much planned for this story come the new year and I cannot way to share it all with you. Tsukasa wasn't in this very much, but that's because I didn't want to spoil her story at all for House of Cards. I was not kidding when I said her story is the pinnacle for deciding how all of mine end. Now I just hope to actually put more effort into writing it.

Thank you to everybody who has been such a loyal reader for all this time. I cannot wait for what chapters this new year has in store!