Shepard threw a chair against a wall. "FUCK." The only crew members brave enough to remain in the comm room with the rampaging commander were Williams and T'Soni. Everyone else had scattered as soon as the yelling started. Williams watched Shepard in silence, her face clouded in anger.
Still in her armor, blood and mud caking her hair, Shepard picked up another chair. "GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKER." It followed a similar path as the first.
"Shepard, we can do another meld to try to make better sense of what you saw with Sovereign."
"Not now, T'Soni. It's not a good. fucking. time." Shepard said through clenched teeth. She was running out of chairs.
Williams turned to T'Soni and seeing the fear in her eyes, softened her glare just a little to say, "You might want to try again later. Now would be the perfect time to go get checked in medical."
T'Soni made a hasty retreat, leaving just Shepard, Williams, and a rapidly growing pile of chair debris in the comm room.
"FUCKING SHIT." And the comm room was down another chair.
"Shepard! Dammit, talk to me."
Shepard rounded on Williams, fury playing across her features. "What do you want me to say, Chief? I had to leave a soldier behind down there, Williams, to die. One of MY soldiers. He's dead because I decided that he needed to die."
Shepard's rant was interrupted by Joker. "Want me to patch the Council in, Commander?"
"Fuck the Council, Joker."
"Roger that, Commander. Joker out. Way out."
"Why me, Shepard? Why am I here and not Alenko? He is - was - an officer. I'm just a fucking grunt. Protocol says you save him. If you weren't fucking me, would I still be alive?"
Shepard stopped short. "Fucking you? Is that what . . .?" Shepard shook her head once. "Just fucking? We will be getting back to that one, but no. You're not here because I'm fucking you."
The last chair in the room met its end against the wall. "Do you think I fucking wanted Alenko to die? Do you think I would kill a soldier under my command just to save my lover? Pardon me, just to save the person I'm fucking?"
Shepard rounded on Williams. Their eyes locked, fire on fire. "I shouldn't have to explain my command decisions to anyone. Ever. But because I'm fucking you," - Shepard spat the word out each time - "I'll explain it to you this once. I had to make a tactical decision. Alenko seemed to have the situation with the nuke under control, and the failsafe meant it was secure and would detonate no matter what else happened to him. That allowed me to go back to support the salarian team, which incidentally included you. Your presence on that team did not drive my decision. When it all went to hell, I had to follow through with my decision to take the gun tower with your team or it's entirely likely I would have failed everyone. This is what command looks like, Williams. Sometimes my decisions mean a soldier dies. I can't control it all."
Shepard began pacing around the bits of chair littering the room, kicking anything that dared get too close, hands clenched so tightly her knuckles were white. "As much as I'm relieved that you are standing here, with me - and I am very, very relieved - I didn't choose you. Not like that. I chose to save as many as I could. I needed that second gun tower disabled. Otherwise the Normandy and our way off a planet with a nuke set to go off would be gone. We'd all be dead, and Saren would win. There would be no one left to stop him. If it were you with the nuke. . ."
Shepard stopped and sank to the floor. "So instead just Alenko is dead. Because I determined he needed to die to increase the odds of the mission succeeding. I killed him. It has nothing to do with who I'm fucking. I don't know why you're so goddamn mad about it. You didn't kill your own squad member today."
If she were honest, Williams couldn't really identify why she was so angry. It may have started with guilt over Alenko's death, thinking that her relationship with Shepard had caused it. Why did I call it just fucking? I know it's more than that. She fed that anger because the pain that would have taken its place was too raw. Too late she realized that her selfish emotions had blinded her to Shepard's own pain, which was far deeper and more justified than her own.
"Goddammit, Shepard. I'm such an ass." Williams moved to sit next to Shepard on the floor, but after catching a slight head-shake from the commander, moved a little further away before sitting down.
"Don't expect me to disagree, Chief." Shepard's voice had lost some of its heat.
"Thank you."
"For agreeing that you're an ass?" Shepard raised one eyebrow. That's better, thought Williams. Shepard's fury is a wonder to behold, but scary as hell.
"Partly, yes. Thank you for coming back for the squad. For making the decisions few people are capable or willing to make. I had no right to question your command. I'm sorry." Shepard only grunted in reply. Williams tentatively scooted closer to her. Meeting no resistance, she closed the distance between them.
Reaching over, Williams began to unfasten Shepard's armor. "C'mon, Commander. Let's get you out of this and cleaned up. We'll talk more when you're not covered in Krogan guts." Shepard didn't stop her, but she didn't help much, either. She stared numbly at the floor as Ashley removed her armor piece by piece, shifting her weight when needed to allow Williams to get the lower half of the gear off. Soon Shepard was sitting there in just her compression gear, her armor off to the side in a pile. Williams would ask Garrus to retrieve it later to clean and inspect; he'd be happy to help out the commander.
Williams made no further attempt to touch Shepard. She just sat next to her, hands in her lap. Shepard made no move to get up. Several moments passed. Ashley was startled when she heard Shepard speak, and disappointed when it wasn't addressed to her. "Joker, let Pressly know the Normandy is his for the next 12 hours."
"Yes, ma'am."
Shepard wearily rose from the floor and made her way towards the door. "Oh, and Joker - would you also let Pressly know that we need maintenance in the comm room? It seems some chairs fell over."
"Will do, ma'am."
"So, are you coming or aren't you, Chief?"
Ashley jerked her eyes up from the floor. "I wasn't sure if. . ."
"We still have to get back to that one thing you said. Get yourself cleaned up and cleared by medical. I need to let T'Soni back into my head, then you and I are going to talk."
OoOoO
Getting the blood and muck out of her hair took longer than Shepard thought it would. When she finally felt somewhat human again, she tossed on an N7 tee and sweats and headed for the mess. Finding the biggest mug in the cabinet, she filled it with coffee and sugar and sat down at an empty table. She could see Williams waiting in the med-bay for her turn to get checked by Dr. Chakwas. Just watching Ashley sit there caused a spike of warmth in her chest. Shepard probably needed to report to medical, too - she thought she'd broken one or more bones in her hand when she punched Saren, and she was pretty sure she had a couple cracked ribs. She could wait until the crowd in the med-bay thinned, though.
Using her omni-tool, she sent a note to T'Soni to let her know that she'd like to meet with her in an hour. She would probably also need to apologize to her for earlier. Hopefully T'Soni would be understanding.
Shepard drank her coffee, keeping an eye on the med-bay. When Dr. Chakwas was down to her last two patients - Tali and Williams - Shepard headed over. Tali was generally unhurt, but her suit had been punctured and she required antibiotics to forestall any infection. Williams had a variety of bruises and scrapes, but nothing appeared broken. Dr. Chakwas checked her left knee again, expressing concern that it wasn't fully healed just yet and reminding Williams to keep the brace on at all times in combat.
As Williams left the med-bay, she exchanged a nod with Shepard to let her know that she hadn't forgotten that they needed to talk.
Dr. Chakwas clucked over Shepard's injuries. The doctor treated what she could with medi-gel, but told Shepard that she was on light duty for at least the next two days until she was sure her broken ribs and hand were completely healed. Thanking the doctor, Shepard headed to the back of the med-bay to the room T'Soni had been given. Might as well get this meld business over with.
OoOoO
Shepard thanked Liara for her assistance, and sent her back out to Chakwas to have her checked out after the exertion of the meld seemed to over-tire her. It probably wasn't a good idea to do the meld so soon after heavy combat, but time was growing more precious.
Shepard was feeling fairly worn out herself, so she headed back to her quarters to rest before looking for Williams. She just wanted sleep. And bourbon. And not necessarily in that order. She sat at her table and poured herself a small measure of bourbon, slumping down in her chair in exhaustion. She was so tired that at first she didn't notice the woman sprawled across her bed, fast asleep. Shepard wondered how long she'd been there, waiting for her. Shepard walked quietly over to the side of the bed, drinking in how beautiful the chief was. Ashley's face was relaxed in sleep, an errant lock of hair falling across her cheek.
They still needed to talk about things, but for now Shepard just wanted the comfort of her lover by her side as she slept. My lover. Not just someone I'm fucking. Careful to not disturb Williams, Shepard slid onto the bed and fitted her body in close to hers, placing one arm gently across her waist. Ashley shifted slightly back into Shepard, pulling Shepard's hand up to her chest, over her heart. "Mmmm. Sloane," Williams murmured as she sank back into sleep.
Shepard quickly drifted off. But just before sleep took her, she thought that even though it had been a hell of a fucked up day, for this one moment, she was content.
