A/N: Hopefully FF is behaving itself now. For readers who have had problems accessing the site over the last week and a half, updates made during that time start with Chapter 20. Thanks for reading, and don't be shy about leaving a review! They're all appreciated.


Ashley felt numb. She'd felt numb for the last week.

An Alliance ship had eventually showed up to pick up the surviving members of the Normandy. She had wanted to go back and retrieve Shepard's body, but the captain of the ship refused, citing the danger of another possible attack. Ashley begged, then physically threatened, but could not sway him.

So she'd found an isolated corner of the ship's hold, and sat alone. For days. Dr. Chakwas and Liara would bring her food, and weren't above forcing her to eat. She slept little, and only when she was so exhausted that she couldn't fight it anymore. But then the nightmares would begin, and she'd see Shepard suffocating and dying before her eyes, and she'd be awake once more. Her voice was rough from disuse. She spoke little, and mainly when it was the only way to get rid of somebody.

There was one exception. After being bullied into a shower by Liara, Ashley passed through the mess on her way back to her dark corner. Joker sat alone at a table, an arm in a cast and his chest wrapped tight. The sight of him enraged her and she suddenly found herself standing in front of him.

"You fucking son of a bitch! You selfish bastard! You killed her because you couldn't follow a goddamned order." Ashley was shaking with anger and rage, fists tight by her side. She took a step, to be within arm's reach of him. Joker flinched, pulling as far back as he could in his chair. "You fucking little shit, you killed her! Shepard is dead because of you." She brought a fist back, ready to strike, only to feel herself restrained by strong krogan arms. She was too weak to break his grasp.

"Goddammit, let me go, Wrex!"

"Sorry, no can do. One punch from you like this would probably kill the little guy." Wrex relaxed his grip slightly, but didn't let her go.

"Fine by me. The prick deserves it."

Joker hung his head, tears shining in his eyes. "I do deserve it. I'm so sorry, Chief. If I could have switched places with her - "

"But you didn't, did you? Just shut the fuck up, Joker. I don't want to hear it. This is your fault. She died pulling your worthless ass out of that ship. Go to hell."

Wrex pivoted them around so that he released Ashley away from Joker, keeping himself between her and the pilot. "Go on now. You can't bring her back this way," his voice gently rumbled.

With one final glare at Joker, Ashley strode away from the table, back to her hiding place where she cried until she had no more tears left to shed.

When the ship finally reached the Citadel, she was too thin, with dark circles blooming under her eyes. Her uniform was rumpled, her hair pulled back simply into a careless knot. Liara found her in her corner in the hold, and insisted on escorting her to the room the Alliance had secured for Ashley on the station. Ashley had no strength to resist.

As they stepped off the ship, Ashley's eyes drifted over to the elevator at the end of the dock, and she felt like she'd been punched in the chest. Standing there was a woman in dress blues, with hair a shade of copper she knew too well (albeit peppered with a few silver strands) and familiar emerald eyes. She was an older, somewhat shorter version of her commander. The striking similarities caused Ashley actual physical pain, and her knees buckled beneath her before Liara could catch her.

The woman rushed over, dropping to one knee in front of Ashley. "Are you okay?"

Ashley kept her gaze focused on the ground. She couldn't look the woman in the eyes. Her eyes. Her military training asserted itself, even if she couldn't rise to her feet. "Ma'am, yes ma'am."

"You must be Ashley. I'm Hannah Shepard, but it seems you've realized that."

Ashley fought the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks. She thought she'd run out of tears four days ago.

"I was supposed to meet you. She was going to introduce me . . ." Ashley couldn't hold it in any longer, and she broke down once more. Strong arms wrapped around her, as Captain Shepard's tears joined hers.

OoOoO

Liara and the captain helped Ashley to her feet and the three continued on to Ashley's room. Liara left the two women alone, excusing herself to tend to other matters. She could see that they obviously needed time to talk without her present.

The furnishings in the room were sparse, consisting mainly of a bed, desk, table, two chairs, and a small sofa. There was a small kitchenette, stocked with a few supplies, and an even smaller bathroom. Ashley's eyes moved across the room without actually seeing anything as she stood frozen in place. Hannah steered her over to the sofa, pulling a chair up across from her. Moments ticked by as they sat silently in their shared grief.

Captain Shepard was the first to speak. "Sloane loved you, you know." Ashley could only nod mutely. A part of her brain registered that she'd never heard anyone else use Shepard's given name. "You were the best thing to happen to her." Tears began to fall down Ashley's cheeks again, but she had given up wiping them away long ago. Hannah continued, needing to verbalize her feelings to the only other person who could begin to understand her loss. "I was always so proud of her career, and of all the things she'd achieved so early. But I never felt like she was happy until she met you. After you joined her on the Normandy, she talked about you every time we spoke."

That piqued Ashley's curiosity. "But we weren't together until a while later."

Hannah smiled sadly. "That doesn't mean you didn't make an impression on her. It was funny to hear her talk. She had no idea that she'd fallen for you from the start. But I could tell. Hell, just the fact that she mentioned you at all was monumental. She was never one for attachments."

Ashley found herself smiling despite herself. "That's an understatement."

Sighing, Hannah rose and moved over to the kitchenette. "It would probably be too much to hope that they had any booze in here," she said as she opened the lone cupboard. To her surprise, there was a bottle of bourbon on the shelf, with a note signed by Liara. Ashley was struck by Liara's thoughtfulness. Not just for the booze, but knowing Shepard's favorite one. There were more tears as Hannah poured them each a generous amount. Ashley offered a toast. "Here's to drinking the good shit."

OoOoO

Having eaten little over the previous week, it didn't take long before Ashley was feeling the effects of the alcohol. She welcomed the warmth and calmness it brought. She found herself relaxing into the small sofa, feeling the tension leave her body for the first time since the call to abandon ship.

"I just miss her," Ashley said quietly.

"Yeah. Me too. It's a goddamned awful thing to have to bury a child." Hannah Shepard snorted. "If only they'd actually let me bury her. Fucking cowards wouldn't go back for her."

Ashley nodded in agreement, smiling as she realized where Shepard got her penchant for cussing. "I even pulled a pistol on the captain of the ship, and he still refused to go back. That's going to look good in my files."

"Don't worry about that. I'm pretty sure that nothing that happened after the Normandy went down will end up in anyone's files. But thanks for trying to get my girl."

"I didn't want to leave her on the Normandy when the call came to abandon ship. She made me go."

One corner of Hannah's mouth quirked up. "Did she pull rank on you?"

Ashley dropped her head. "Yes."

"That sounds like Sloane. It was probably the best way she knew to keep you safe. There was nothing you could have done, Ashley."

Ashley took another swallow of bourbon. "Maybe. But that doesn't help much."

"I know."

"Captain Shepard, would it be okay if I sat with you at the memorial tomorrow? I. . . I can't face the crew."

"It's Hannah. And yes, I would like that very much. Now let's get you something to eat and maybe a shower. You look like hell." Ashley snorted. She liked this Hannah Shepard.

OoOoO

The Alliance sure did know how to throw a memorial service, especially when it's for the Hero of the Citadel. The Council attended in full force, along with every high-ranking military officer within a four day journey. Ashley hated every single one of them. She sat with Shepard's mom at the end of the front row of the auditorium, studiously avoiding making eye contact with any of the former Normandy crew members. She made an exception for Liara, inviting her to join her and Captain Shepard, scooting over to make room.

Williams had donned her dress blues for the occasion, intending to drop them in an incinerator as soon as she could. She wanted no reminders of the reason she wore them that day.

She only vaguely listened to the self-important blowhards who delivered various eulogies for her commander. None of them knew her well, save Anderson. But it was obvious that his remarks were not truly his own, so they mattered little to her. She did spare a glance around the hall, noting that Joker was flanked by both Wrex and Garrus, presumably to keep him out of view. They did a poor job of it. Her blood still boiled when she laid eyes on him.

When the service concluded and the echoes from the 21-gun salute faded, Ashley leapt from her seat and bulldozed her way through the crowd of strangers just there to be seen, and headed back to her room. She needed to be alone.

OoOoO

The next few weeks passed in a blur. The Alliance was generous in giving Ashley a month of leave. She suspected that Captain Shepard had something to do with it, and was grateful. Hannah visited Ashley every day for that first week. Although they initially bonded over their shared loss, they soon developed a true friendship. When Hannah had to leave to return to her post, Ashley felt the loss of her company keenly.

On her final day on the Citadel, the captain brought a datapad with her. She held onto it tightly for a few moments, obviously giving something a great deal of consideration. Finally, she pushed it towards Ashley, wiggling it to indicate that she should take it.

"What's this?" Ashley asked.

"I've been going through some of Sloane's messages to me. When we couldn't do a live communication for a while, she'd send me a note to check in. A lot of them mention you. I thought you might like to have a copy of those. But I don't want them to cause you any pain."

Ashley felt a burst of affection for the woman. Eyes shining with unshed tears, she jumped up and hugged her. "Thank you. This means so much to me. I don't have anything left of hers - it was all destroyed when the ship went down. This. . . this is incredible. Thank you."

"My daughter chose well, you know. She was lucky to have you."

"No ma'am. I was lucky to have her."

OoOoO

Liara checked in on Ashley daily. The first thing she'd do is make Ashley list what she'd eaten over the previous twenty four hours, then chide her for not eating enough. She stopped by when she could, but she seemed to be involved in some new project. Ashley couldn't get her to tell her about it, so she let it drop.

After a couple of weeks, Liara left. She wouldn't tell Ashley where she was going. Only that she'd keep in touch with Ashley when she could. Another friend gone.

OoOoO

Ashley spent her final week alone, using the time to get back into fighting shape. She increased her daily food intake to replenish lost weight, and spent time in the gym to regain muscle tone. She was smaller and weaker than before, but she knew that was temporary. She didn't know what her new assignment would be, but she hoped like hell it would involve tracking down the ship that took away her commander. And for that, she'd make herself stronger than before.