A/N: Apologies for the long gap between updates. Writer's block and a bit of busy life stuff intervened. I hope to get back on track for regular updates moving forward. Thanks to all who are reading!
Shepard woke in the early hours of the morning, still tired but unable to find sleep again. Instead, she focused on the woman next to her. Ashley lay on her back, sheets bunched at her waist, one arm flung over her head, one leg bent outwards at the knee, dark hair partially obscuring her eyes. Shepard contented herself for a time with watching the slow, steady rise and fall of Ashley's chest with each breath. Mine.
Memories from the previous night's nightmare pushed at the corners of Shepard's mind. She focused more intently on Ashley, fighting to keep the images at bay. She was still horrified that Ashley witnessed the effect the nightmares had on her. Although the dreams invaded her sleep nearly every night since the Reaper attack on Earth, she'd always been alone. She'd never intended for Ashley to witness her reaction to them.
She couldn't stop the nightmare's feelings of helplessness and failure from overwhelming her. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and rolled over to face away from her sleeping lover, pulling her legs up to her chest. Her breath came in ragged gasps.
A warm body pressed against her back and a strong arm wrapped around her. Ashley held Shepard, whispering comforting words in her ear. Shepard's body remained tense, even as she turned in Ashley's embrace to face her, opening her eyes to look at her. Ashley nearly flinched at the hurt in her lover's eyes.
Shepard kissed Ashley roughly, nipping at her lower lip with her teeth. "I need you, Ash." Shepard's low voice was equal parts pain and desire. "I need you to make me forget, just for a while. Please."
Ashley flipped Shepard onto her back, straddling her. She scraped her teeth along Shepard's neck, growling in her ear, knowing what Shepard needed. "I'm going to fuck you until you forget everything but my name."
Shepard arched into Ashley, the images of her nightmares quickly receding as her body hungrily responded to Ashley's touch and all rational thought was lost.
OoOoO
Shepard fell asleep on top of Ashley, their bare skin coated with drying sweat. Ashley lay half-awake with her eyes closed, enjoying the simple pleasure of the weight of Shepard's body pressing down on hers, the way their forms fit together so perfectly. Ashley tightened her arms around Shepard possessively as she, too, succumbed to exhaustion.
They didn't doze long. Shepard woke first, inelegantly wiping the drool from her cheek and Ashley's shoulder with an impish grin and apology as she rolled off her lover. Ashley offered a drowsy smile in return. Shepard lay on her side, her head propped up on her arm, her lips curving slightly downward. "About last night… I'm sorry I woke you. I guess I could have warned you. I'd hoped that with you here, it would be different."
"Do you have the nightmares every night?" Ashley absentmindedly traced a bite mark she'd left over Shepard's collar bone.
"Just about." Shepard flopped over onto her back, staring at the ceiling. "I didn't want you to see me like that."
Ashley's mouth hardened. "Don't."
Shepard turned towards her, confused. "Don't what?"
"Don't try to protect me."
"It's not like that, Ash."
"No? I will fuck away the pain any time you need me to, Sloane, but I can't just fuck you better every time you have a nightmare. We need to talk about this. You need to let me in. Talk to me."
Shepard sat up and tried to take a deep breath, but her lungs refused to completely fill. Her hands ran restlessly through her mussed hair. She couldn't keep her voice from trembling. "Ash… I have so much blood on my hands. I've killed so many. Been responsible for the deaths of so many more. I abandoned Earth." Ashley sat behind Shepard, encircling her with her arms. "How many more will die because of me? I can't do this, Ash. Almost every night the nightmares come, reminding me of how much I've fucked up. How can they expect me to do this? I'm just a goddamn soldier."
Ashley rested her cheek against Shepard's shoulder. "Oh, Love. You are so much more than a goddamn soldier."
Shepard's lips curled slightly into a bitter smile. "Doesn't feel like it these days."
"And the dreams?"
"The dreams. Yeah." Shepard shifted around to face Ashley. God, she's so beautiful. Her gaze was drawn down to Ashley's bare chest.
"Shepard. Eyes up here. You really are incorrigible." Ashley didn't actually mind all that much. The slight distraction seemed to relax Shepard. Nonetheless, she held a pillow in front of herself. "The dreams."
"Sorry." Shepard focused on Ashley's eyes, returning her attention to their discussion. "There was a boy. On Earth," she began. "After the Reapers hit, on my way to the harbor I saw him hiding in a building, but he disappeared before I could get to him. I had to keep moving. Anderson's orders. I saw the boy board a shuttle just as I made it aboard the Normandy." Ashley nodded, remembering the chaos. Shepard's eyes shifted down to the bed. "Then I watched a Reaper tear the shuttle from the sky, destroying it and killing all aboard." Ashley thought back to Shepard pummeling a stack of crates in the shuttle bay until her knuckles oozed blood. She put a hand on Shepard's arm. "That boy. He's in my dreams. I chase after him, but I'm so slow. I can never save him. I'm never good enough to save him. Then the Reapers come and we all die." Shepard looked back up at Ashley's face. "Because I'm nothing more than a goddamn soldier."
Ashley grabbed Shepard's hands. "You really don't know, do you? Yes, you're a goddamn soldier. The best goddamn soldier we've got. But you are also Commander Sloane Motherfucking Shepard, and you are the reason we still have a fighting chance in this thing. Can't you see what you've done already? People look to you. People trust you. People have faith in you. And they have every reason to." Ashley paused. Moving one hand to Shepard's jaw, she closed her eyes and began to recite. "Much have I seen and known; cities of men / And manners, climates, councils, governments, / Myself not least, but honour'd of them all; / And drunk delight of battle with my peers, / Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy, / I am a part of all that I have met."
Shepard's eyebrows rose quizzically.
"Sloane, it can only be you. You are the only one with your experience: 'Much have you seen and known.' You've proven yourself the best in so many ways. And most of all, you are the sum total of all these experiences. Nobody has done what you have done. So nobody can do what you can do." Ashley moved closer. "And you're not doing this alone. You've got a kickass crew. And… " Her mouth now hovered over Shepard's. "And you have me." Ashley kissed Shepard, slowly and gently.
Shepard responded in kind, tangling her fingers in Ashley's hair. The kiss was tender, containing none of the urgency that they had too frequently felt in their brief times together over the previous months. "I love you, Ash," Shepard breathed when they parted.
Ashley smiled and sat back. "I love you, too. And I know I can't make the nightmares go away, Sloane. But I'll be here for whatever you need when they come."
Shepard looked tenderly at her lover. "Thank you."
Ashley rose from the bed. "Shower?"
Shepard's smile grew. "Shower."
OoOoO
Shepard and Ashley found Liara enjoying a late breakfast in the mess. With her focus on leveraging her Shadow Broker assets to find out anything that would help in the fight against the Reapers, Liara kept somewhat irregular hours and usually found herself alone when she made time to eat, so she was glad for the company. Ashley grabbed coffee for herself and Shepard, offering Liara a refill on her tea. Shepard rummaged around and got some bacon and eggs cooking as Ashley and Liara caught up with each other.
Shepard was watching the two laughing together when Ashley suddenly leapt from her seat, reaching for a pistol that she wasn't wearing. "The fuck?" Ashley yelled, wild-eyed.
Shepard was immediately on alert, scanning the room for what might have panicked Ashley, seeing only the three of them and EDI, who had just left the medical bay. Oh. EDI. Shit. She rushed over to Ashley, standing in front of her and placing calming hands on her shoulders. "Ash, it's okay."
The contact didn't have the intended effect. Ashley pushed Shepard behind her protectively. "What the hell is the thing that tried to kill me doing walking around on this ship?"
Shepard forcibly turned Ashley around to face her. "Ash. Listen to me. It's not what you think." She gestured to EDI to leave the mess, and she quickly complied. "Remember I mentioned the ship's AI? She repurposed the synthetic for her own use as a mobile platform. It's not the same thing that attacked you on Mars. Well, it is. But it isn't."
Ashley sank back into her seat, still visibly shaken. She didn't seem completely convinced. "Dammit, Shepard. You could warn a person. I think I need a little bit more of an explanation."
Shepard sat next to her. "Sure. Liara, help me out on this one, would you?"
Between the two of them, they told the story and answered Ashley's many questions. Ashley didn't think she'd be comfortable around EDI's "mobile platform" for a while, but at least she was satisfied that EDI wouldn't be trying to kill her. Probably.
OoOoO
Shepard sat down at her terminal to review her incoming communications. She was hoping to receive confirmation from the Turian and Asari councillors that their collective business was concluded, so that the Normandy could depart from the Citadel.
Instead, she found an encrypted email from Miranda Lawson. Shepard hadn't seen or heard from Miranda since she'd turned herself in to the Alliance. With little preamble and without providing any reason as to why, Miranda was requesting a meeting on the Citadel later that day. Shepard's curiosity was definitely piqued. Having already agreed to go with Ashley to meet Ashley's sister Sarah at the memorial wall that afternoon, Shepard dashed off a quick response agreeing to the meeting.
After using her omni-tool to send a quick note to Ashley to let her know about the addition to their day's itinerary, Shepard turned her attention to figuring out how to close the issues with the Turian and Asari councillors so she could get the hell off the Citadel and back out into the war where she could at least feel useful again.
