Alrighty, people (and maybe robots?) Here's the climax of the tale (that was not a sex joke (I mean maybe it was, but there's no sex in this chapter so keep your metaphorical and literal pants on)).
ANYWAY - Trigger warning for homophobia and domestic abuse (I don't go into depth)
-JJ
Maura sat in her office at the lab completing the doodle of the picture of giraffes cloud-watching at a beach when her cellphone rang. Continuing to draw with one hand, she answered the phone without looking at the caller ID.
"Isles," she breathed with a sigh, cleared her throat, and then repeated herself more professionally. "Isles."
"Hello Maura, it's Hope Martin." Maura finally stopped drawing and put her journal away. Maura was genuinely confused to be getting a call from the woman but pleased nonetheless, not that she would admit it.
"Oh, hello. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Maura asked and then wanted to punch herself in the face for being stupid for still caring about what Hope thought of her. She knew it was irrational to crave Hope's acceptance, but she had a lifetime of wanting a mother's approval and it was a hard thing to overcome.
"I just wanted to call and see if you were alright. You and Jane have been in the news a lot lately and I thought I might offer some support. Congratulations by the way. I had my suspicions since I met you two but I didn't want to overstep." Maura almost laughed. First Constance had been surprised at Maura and Jane's relationship and reacted negatively before having a change of heart, and now Hope was unsurprised and apparently quite pleased. Parents, it seemed to Maura, were utterly clueless no matter how you were related or how long you knew them.
"Thank you, I suppose," Maura didn't know what else she could say.
"You're quite welcome. I'm glad that you found a love like that. You can tell how much Jane cares about you just by the way she looks at you," Hope informed Maura and as if talking about the detective could summon her, Jane suddenly walked through Maura's office door holding a bag of peas to her lip.
"Hey, Mauwa, yoo got anny- oh sowy," Jane slurred around the makeshift ice pack and Maura grinned.
"I appreciate the call. Thank you for- well for your support," Maura spoke in a tone she hoped wasn't awkward.
"Of course, Cailin says 'hi,' by the way. She says she'll visit soon."
"Lovely, I'm always happy to see her," Maura admitted excitedly and then they said their goodbyes and hung up the phone while Jane stood awkwardly waiting.
"Can't you do something safe, like yoga?" Maura teased, not for the first time, and Jane removed the ice pack to reveal a bloody fat lip.
"Okay, first of all, I was doing yoga, and second of all, do you have a real ice pack? This bag tastes like dirt." Jane complained with a pout and Maura scrunched up her nose in disgust.
"That's probably because it's likely teaming in bacteria from the freezer. You should not be using it on an open wound," Maura informed Jane as she stood from her desk. Jane looked at the bag of peas as if it had sworn at her and then rolled her eyes before she tossed the peas on Maura's desk.
"That's gross, Maura!" Jane whined and then sat on the chair she claimed to hate with a very large, very adorable pout.
"To answer your question, yes I do have an icepack. I started keeping one down here after- well after we became friends," Maura tried to think about exactly what had caused her to purchase the ice pack and hundreds of images of a wounded Jane flitted through her mind.
"Well can you go get it?" Jane sassed and Maura was snapped back to reality. She nodded and left the office to remove the ice pack from where it was kept, wrapped it in a clean towel and brought it back to Jane, along with her first aid kit. Jane took the ice pack suspiciously and held it in the air between them as she eyed Maura.
"Did you get this from the dead fridge?"
"No!" Maura denied and then shifted uncomfortably at the half-truth, "I got it from the dead freezer."
"Oh, come on!" Jane yelled dramatically, "Maura!"
"Cold air is cold air, Jane! This is at least sterile. Would you like me to go into detail about what's likely living on that bag of peas?" Maura asked and pointed to the offending object. Jane pouted again and pressed the ice pack to her lips.
"...No," Jane huffed and Maura smirked at her.
"How exactly did you manage to get a fat lip while doing yoga? And why were you doing yoga in your work clothes?" Maura asked as she tried to hide her smile. Jane rolled her eyes and adjusted the ice pack to respond.
"I was trying to go through that yoga routine you showed me that you can do from a chair that helps with a sore back from sitting at your desk for too long, and I guess that-"
"I wouldn't have recommended you do it in a chair that has wheels, Jane," Maura interrupted and Jane glared at her.
"Yes, thank you, Doctor Isles, I actually just learned that for myself," Jane snarked and Maura had the decency to look guilty. "Why did you even show it to me if you knew doing it in my desk chair would end up with me having a fat lip?" Jane whined.
"I didn't really think about the chair you'd be using," Maura admitted. It was a very obvious oversight from this new perspective but at the time she simply saw a way to help. Jane sighed largely and seemed to accept the simple truth, then changed the topic.
"Who was on the phone?" Jane asked.
"Oh, that was Hope-"
"Hope? What did she want? She wasn't rude to you again, was she? Do you want me to kick her ass?"
"No, Jane."
"I could "Accidentally" put a BOLO out on her car. She'd be stopped every twenty minutes," Jane joked and waggled her brows. Maura couldn't help but feel entertained.
"That won't be necessary but I appreciate the insane tenacity." Maura grinned.
"Okay, I'm gonna gloss over the fact that you just called me crazy, and take the rest as a compliment," Jane joked.
"As well you should," Maura complimented again.
"So... what did she want this time? Another organ?" Jane asked and Maura threw a warning look before responding.
"She wanted to call and congratulate us on this fun new development in our relationship... She said that she thought we'd been dating since she first met us, actually," Maura spoke flirtatiously and then with an air of surprise. Had her feelings for Jane been obvious for that long? How on Earth did she not see them for herself?
"What did you tell her?" Jane asked.
"I said 'thank you,'" Maura shrugged and Jane's eyebrows raised in shock.
"You didn't correct her? I thought you couldn't lie!" Jane shouted.
"I did not lie! I just said 'thank you!' I did not confirm or deny her suspicion," Maura argued, and Jane dipped her chin down to glare at Maura. "You're not allowed to get angry, Jane, you didn't correct your mother! Why haven't you corrected Angela, by the way?"
"I don't know, it hasn't come up. I told her not to bother you about it! God, Ma!" Jane seemed annoyed and closed her eyes in frustration. If she hadn't been holding an ice pack, Maura knew that Jane would be pinching the bridge of her nose.
"Don't get angry at your mother for talking to me. She lives in my guest house, we're bound to run into each other from time to time." Maura smirked and then squatted on the floor in front of Jane. She delicately reached up and guided the ice pack from Jane's lip so that she could assess the damage. Jane seemed surprised when she opened her eyes and noticed how close Maura was. Maura noted the dilation of Jane's pupils. "This will need to be cleaned."
"Okay, that's why I came to see you," Jane explained and the corners of Maura's lips turned up in the hint of a smile. Maura kneeled on the floor and separated Jane's knees so that she could scoot closer to the wound and then placed her first aid kit on Jane's lap. When she looked back into Jane's face she noted that Jane's face was red and goosebumps had risen on Jane's neck. She scrutinized the effects and wondered what had caused them.
"Is the ice pack too cold, Jane? I can go get another towel-"
"No, it's fine... " Jane responded and her voice had dropped a decibel or two. Maura shrugged it off and looked down at her first aid kit again. Only then did she realize why Jane might be having those symptoms. Maura had kneeled on the floor and then placed herself in between Jane's legs rather forcefully, and then the symptoms occurred. It was arousal. Maura had to work to hide the grin that threatened to spread on her face and she kept her head dipped as she opened the kit, and slowly put the gloves on to buy herself time. She was happy to take advantage of opportunities that kept presenting themselves to her.
Maura grabbed a cotton ball and poured some cleaning agent on it so that she could wipe Jane's cut before putting ointment on it. She leaned in close to Jane's face. She could hear the increase of breath as she placed one hand on Jane's chin to study the injury. She risked a glance into Jane's eyes and noted the clear desire that was in them. Jane wasn't paying attention at all to what Maura was doing; instead, she was staring intently at Maura's lips. Maura wet her lips with her tongue on instinct and Jane inhaled a shaky breath.
"This might hurt a little," Maura spoke softly. Jane looked up from her lips and nodded before averting her gaze as she blushed. As Maura worked she could feel Jane's eyes burning into her. Heat rose up in her cheeks as she pressed the cotton ball to Jane's cut. Jane hissed slightly but said nothing. Maura cleaned the wound quickly and tossed the cotton ball into the bin. She then unscrewed the lid of some ointment and applied some to her finger. She brought her hand back up to Jane's face and lightly smeared a bit of ointment over the cut on Jane's swollen lip. She used another finger to trace a trail across Jane's top lip, over the valleys of her cupid's bow and then slowly back down around the pout of her bottom lip. Jane shuddered at the touch and Maura looked up into Jane's eyes. "Feel better?"
"Uh-huh," Jane answered meekly as she continued to burn Maura with her gaze.
"Try not to lick your lips," Maura ordered quietly as they stared at each other.
"Okay," Jane replied just as quietly and seconds ticked by without either of them moving. "Are you counting again?" Jane finally asked after a moment.
"I wasn't…" Maura murmured and then she finally glanced away from Jane and pulled the used gloves off of her hands, tossing them into the bin. She closed the first aid kit in Jane's lap and then stood, using Jane's thighs to push herself up. She walked out of the room and heard Jane clear her throat as she put the first aid kit where it belonged. She grabbed another clean towel and headed back to her office. Walking back into the room, she took a moment to assess Jane's body language. Jane was bent forward in the chair with her elbows on her knees, one leg bouncing and one finger lightly touching her bottom lip. Maura smirked and approached her. "You should put this new towel on the ice pack… don't want to ruin all my hard work."
"What? Oh, yeah okay. Smart…" Jane said as she took the towel from Maura and switched them out. "Thanks… for my lip. I mean, it's kinda your fault I got it in the first place, but thanks anyway." Jane grinned up at Maura who raised an eyebrow at Jane.
"I refuse to accept that! It is not my fault you got a fat lip… and it isn't even that bad, don't be an infant," she denied resolutely.
"Yes! It is! If you didn't show me chair yoga then this would never have happened! And it's 'don't be a baby', Maura." Jane snarked with a slight smirk that she seemed to be trying to hide.
"The words are synonymous!" Maura argued because she didn't understand the difference.
"Either way, I am so not a baby!" Jane argued and Maura assumed it was because she didn't want to talk about the fact that they were just having what Frost referred to as 'eye sex.'
"I fixed it for you," Maura pointed out arguably and Jane rolled her eyes.
"Well it still hurts," Jane retorted as she stood defiantly in Maura's personal space, posturing like she was ready for battle.
"Would you like me to kiss it better, detective?" Maura asked in a sultry tone that she hadn't entirely intended. Jane raised an eyebrow at Maura and then glanced down at her mouth. Maura took that as a positive sign and reached up to hoop one of her fingers around Jane's belt before looking up into Jane's eyes again. She saw the desire still burning there and leaned forward. Jane's hands enveloped Maura's waist and pulled her in closer. Maura gasped in delight. She bit her bottom lip as their bodies molded together and Jane's breath hitched. Generally, Maura would assess that as a good sign, but the ragged, almost desperate sound was not the kind of airy breathing she would have expected with arousal. This was more similar to wheezing. She pulled away from Jane slightly and Jane tried to inhale again, causing Maura to notice that Jane was suffering from severe shortness of breath. All of the colour had drained away from Jane's face and her ragged breaths were becoming more and more labored. Jane started to shake and before Maura could try to ask what was wrong, Jane was running out of the room like her life depended on it.
"Jane?" Maura called as Jane ran out of the room but did not get a reply. Maura was frozen momentarily in place due to shock. She didn't know what was best in this situation. It was clear to Maura that Jane was having another panic attack but she didn't know if she should follow this time or not. Maybe Maura herself was the trigger. Maura paced around her office trying to find similarities between this occurrence and the last but she came up with nothing. She decided to give Jane the space she obviously needed and wrote in her journal to try to help ease her own anxiety.
Physical Response Test Two
Data and Analysis: All the signs were there. The elevated heart rate, goosebumps, dilated pupils... I could feel her short exhalations of breath on my cheeks as I worked on her lip. She wanted to kiss me. She stared so intently at my lips… she had to have wanted to kiss me. Why did she run away when the offer was on the table? Did she think I was joking? Perhaps she thought I was making fun of her for being aroused. She couldn't have known that I knew she wanted to kiss me though, could she? Of course she did. She pulled me closer against her body so that she could kiss me… This is getting harder to analyze objectively but I can't ask anyone for help.
She seems fine with everything until she suddenly isn't. She holds my hand in front of strangers all the time now and doesn't even respond when people look at us oddly. She freely initiates the contact. She caresses my cheek when she talks to me about emotional things like me defending her against Kitty. She dresses up and goes to classy restaurants for me… She blushes when I'm chivalrous or when I compliment her beauty. She gazes into my eyes, and it can only be described as gazing because I don't know what else to call that look. She can't possibly be blind to all of this, can she?
We're closer than we have ever been. I have no doubt that she is both emotionally and physically attracted to me based on the evidence. We had such a lovely day at the beach. She's never been so expressive, both physically and emotionally and I was so sure she was ready for the next step.
The only explanation to all of the facts is that Jane knows. She must know that I have feelings for her and she must know that she returns them, at least to some degree. I would assume she was homophobic but that wouldn't make any sense based on how open she is. It can't be that. I might surmise that she was afraid of what her family might think, but Frankie, Tommy, and Angela support our union, no matter how fake it is. There are only two other reasons I can think of that might cause her to run away from me.
1. She doesn't return my feelings and she doesn't know how to tell me she doesn't want a relationship without losing our friendship.
2. She's afraid… of me? That doesn't make any sense! But I am the only common denominator for each of the times she's panicked...
Did I push her too far? Maybe I should take a step back from my research for a while and just focus on being her frien-
"Hey, doc," Korsak interrupted Maura's furious, panic-induced writing frenzy long minutes later and she threw her pen across the room as she hastily closed the book and placed her hands on the title. She cursed herself for not naming it something more discreet and she tried so hard to look casual that she failed completely. "You okay there?"
"Mhmm…" Maura nodded and squeaked out her response. Korsak glanced at the book, to the pen on the floor and then back at Maura.
"Okay…" Korsak stuck his hands in his pockets and seemed to be waiting for her to speak.
"Can I… help you with anything, Sergeant?" Maura asked in a voice she hoped sounded calm.
"Uh, I guess. Jane came upstairs about twenty minutes ago and was being kinda weird," he admitted.
"Weird how?" Maura prompted, eager to get all of the information that she could.
"Oh you know, weird. Pacing around the bullpen, muttering nonsense, pulling all her hair out. You know, Jane stuff." he shrugged as if it should have been obvious and Maura smiled despite herself because it was just so… Jane.
"What does that have to do with me?" Maura asked and then swallowed nervously. She didn't know what he knew.
"Well she got her face all fixed up so I figured she'd been down to see you, so I asked what the hell you did to get her so riled up and she threw her pen holder at me -which was full by the way- and then she stormed out," Korsak paused to laugh. "Came back about ten seconds later and told me to make sure you were okay and said if I told you that part she would kick my ass, but she threw a cup full of pens at me, so I'm telling you that part anyway," Korsak explained what he was doing there and Maura calmed slightly. Jane made someone check on her. She still cared.
"Okay, well at least she's not panicking," Maura scoffed and then rolled her eyes at herself. Jane would have been proud of that sarcasm.
"Now, Jane would be proud of that sarcasm," Korsak spoke and Maura chuckled at their similar thoughts, but then used her hands to hide her face and slightly shook her head in an effort to relieve some of her stress. "You wanna talk about it, doc?" She spread her fingers and looked through the gaps into his kind eyes, and the wisdom she saw there reminded her of Bass and she was comforted. Maura sighed, laced her fingers together, and plopped her hands on her desk in front of her. Maura thought that this had to be the first time ever that she slouched in her office chair.
"It's just that- she's being so- how was I supposed to know what- why can't she just- oh God, what am I going to do?" She started several sentences and Korsak nodded sagely at her before he glanced at her 'Jane journal.' She didn't even bother trying to hide it.
"Did she try telling you how she feels or something?" Korsak asked kindly with that knowing look everyone seemed to have. She recognized it immediately. She'd seen that look on the faces of her friends countless times. Susie in the lab. Frost in the bullpen. Frankie in her office. Angela, Constance, even Hope, and Paddy! Everyone had been throwing her that look for years now… if only she could place it.
"How she feels? When does Jane ever openly talk about her feelings?" Maura asked in a tone that was more snappy than she intended but Korsak smiled at her anyway.
"With you. She talks about her feelings with you, doc." Korsak tried to tell Maura but she scoffed as if the notion was insane so he pressed on. "I was her partner for years. Trusted each other more than anything. I loved her like a daughter, still do. She never talked about her feelings with me. The most emotional she's ever been with me was two years after our run-in with Hoyt when she finally told me why she couldn't be my partner anymore, and that took me two years to pull out of her. Now, Frost, he's gotten close to her over the years, but he's still no closer than I am. Hell, she won't even let Frankie try to take care of her and he's her damn brother, but you-" Korsak paused and shook his head in disbelief. He took a moment to spare Maura that knowing look again and she wanted to scream. "- you guys worked together for what? A week after she got back from medical leave and you both just… changed. You started to actually hang out with us guys like we wanted you to just because Jane asked, and Jane… man, you'd think she was a different person. She's always been a good person but never so openly kind… The way she looks at you, Maura, I've never seen her look at anybody like that before. Not even Casey, and she almost married that jackass. She loves you so much that she doesn't even know what to do with herself." Korsak chuckled, and Maura did nothing to stop the tears that fell from her eyes at his hopeful words. "She'd do anything for you, you know? And it's more than just letting you drag her to yoga and making her eat weird food… she'd fight for you, she'd die for you. She almost has a couple of times. She shot herself to save you and Frankie… she stayed with you at that stupid yogi resort when you almost lost your leg… she didn't leave you in that forest even when it meant dying. She loves you, Maura, because she knows you'd do the same for her. She loves you." Korsak explained and verified all of the thoughts Maura had been having more and more, especially after her beach trip, but his confirmation only made her sadder.
"Then why can't she let me love her back?" Maura whispered out through her tears. She closed her eyes and tried to get her breathing under control until the felt a hand on her shoulder moments later. She looked up into Korsak's wise, tortoise-like eyes.
"She's Jane." Korsak shrugged as if it was all the explanation that was needed. It was. She was Jane, and Jane ran sometimes when things got too real. Maura knew that. What Maura also knew though, was that Jane always came back. She nodded at Korsak and he squeezed her shoulder once before letting go. Maura looked up at him and saw that he was smirking down at her journal. She slowly slid it off of the desk and hid it in her lap, knowing that it was pointless, but embarrassed to the point where that didn't matter. He quirked an amused eyebrow at her and she smiled through her tears and embarrassment.
"Shut up," Maura muttered and then chuckled with Korsak who joined in on her laughter.
Maura headed home after her workday. She hadn't seen Jane at all after their almost-kiss and she needed to talk to someone she could trust. She found him immediately, hiding in his shell in the middle of her living room carpet and she joined him there, ignoring the rest of her lonely house. She laid down on her stomach in front of Bass and rested her chin on her crossed arms so that they could talk face to face.
"Emotions are hard, Bass," she admitted quietly to her friend and he blinked at her. She took it as a sign that he agreed. "Yeah, you know everything, we can't all be as smart as you, there's no need to rub it in…" She tried to reason with him but he looked unashamed. "Why did she run away from me? I read all the signs, Bass, but she… what if I'm wrong? I don't know how to tell why people feel things. Sure, I can read body language and assess microexpressions, and it helps but I still don't know the cause of emotion. I don't know what makes people feel beyond the science of it. What if it's just me? Am I what's wrong?" Maura watched Bass sagely think about what she'd told him. She knew it was probably crazy to turn to a tortoise for help but she didn't care. He'd been her best and only friend since she was six and he'd stayed her very best friend until she met Jane; who was hiding out somewhere. He knew all of her fears and secrets and she knew he would never say a word even if he could speak.
"What if I messed everything up? I don't want to lose her…" She paused to look into Bass's eyes. "You're right, I'm being stupid. She'll come back, I know. She always comes back... I tried to kiss her… What do you mean, 'finally?' Did you know the whole time? You should have said something," Maura chastised her tortoise. It helped her to have these talks with him when she was feeling very upset. "She's my best friend, Bass. I don't know what I'd do without her."
"Probably get sent to a mental hospital for talking to turtles," Maura heard Jane speak and she gasped before she sat up. She craned her neck to look over the couch to see that Jane sat at the kitchen island ignoring a cereal bowl and Maura blushed furiously.
"Oh God, were you there the whole time?" Maura cried out.
"Afraid so." Jane smirked and Maura groaned before she laid back down on the floor on her back. Maura covered her face with her hands and wondered if she was embarrassed enough to suffer from a cardiac reaction and die. Jane's stool squeaked against the floor and footsteps approached her. She sensed Jane lay down next to her but refused to uncover her face. "You didn't do anything wrong, Maura…" Jane spoke in a soft, sad tone. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you're what's wrong… you aren't wrong, Maura. You're the most amazing person I've ever met." Maura peeked out at Jane and saw that there were tears in Jane's truthful eyes.
"Then why did you run away? It has to be me… it's the only reasonable conclusion. I'm the common denominator," Maura whispered, not trusting her voice enough to speak. Jane turned so that she was looking up at the ceiling and a tear slid down her face.
"No, honey, it's not you," Jane spoke so kindly that Maura believed her; or wanted to believe her. It was hard for Maura to think that people leaving her wasn't her fault. After all, so many others had left or neglected her; why should Jane be any different? Jane seemed to read her mind. "There is nothing wrong with you, Maura. You're the kindest person I know. You're generous to the point of insanity. I mean, come on, you only have one kidney! You give so much that you lose yourself and I'm sorry you thought I was a part of that. I don't want to be… I wasn't running from you. I was running from my feelings."
"I'm not sorry I tried to kiss you," Maura admitted and she saw the saddest smile she'd ever seen on Jane's face and it broke her heart.
"Me either… I have to tell you something and I need you to listen because I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to talk about it again. I've never told anyone and I-" Jane paused and shook her hands out, an act she only did in great distress. "I just need to tell you because I can't breathe anymore with this in my head, and you're making is so much harder to live like this..." Maura watched as Jane started to hyperventilate again, tears spilling out onto her cheeks.
"Does this have something to do with the other night at the restaurant?" Maura asked and Jane nodded. Maura had never seen such fear in Jane's eyes before. She waited patiently for several minutes for Jane to speak.
"When I was ten, a new girl named Clara Emerson started to go to the same school and church as us… her father became a priest at the church and vice-principal at school… Father Emerson," Jane began in the quietest and most broken voice Maura had ever heard her use. Maura waited patiently for Jane to continue, "she was the first friend who was a girl that I ever had and my Ma was so happy-" Jane paused to rub the tears from her face and clear the emotion from her throat. "So my Ma let me go hang out with Clara whenever I asked because she was glad I had a girlfriend, you know? We did everything together for an entire year. She was- she was my best friend.
"We were probably closer than most best friends… closer than friends should be… we held hands, she'd- she'd kiss me on the cheek… I'd hold open doors for her," Maura listened intently and her heart broke with every frequent crack in Jane's voice, with every moment Jane needed to take before continuing the story. "We used to get into trouble. God, the nuns would get so mad at us," Jane paused to chuckle at some memory but she quickly became pained again. "So we got detention together a lot, and one afternoon we were alone in homeroom while Sister Mae left to go do something… So Clara and I were banging erasers and joking around together for a bit like we always did…
"She stopped all of a sudden and grabbed my hand to pull me into this little broom cupboard in the corner of the room and we hid in there together. She told me-" another voice crack interrupted the story and more tears streamed out of Jane's sad eyes that refused to look at Maura. "She told me that she didn't want to just be my friend and that I could kiss her if I wanted to so I… I kissed her." Jane took a long pause and Maura didn't dare interrupt. The sadness emanating from Jane was almost palpable and Maura felt like she too might drown in it.
"We didn't hear Sister Mae come back into the room. She found us kissing in that little broom cupboard and she grabbed both of our wrists and hauled us right to Father Emerson. He was so quiet, Maura, but he was so angry… He told me that I was going to hell. He said- he said that if I told anybody about it that God would be angry with me. That God would use His wrath and bring pain. He made me feel so afraid, Maur, so I listened to him. He sent me home with the promise that I'd never speak another word about it or God and all His power would destroy everything I loved and I believed him because priests know what God wants.
"I didn't see Clara or Father Emerson after that. I missed her and I could tell something was wrong but I couldn't ask anybody because Sister Mae had started keeping a close eye on me. For weeks she swarmed around me like a hawk. Everywhere I went, she was a silent reminder that I had to keep my mouth shut… I lived like that for months. Constantly scared that Sister Mae was going to get me into trouble. Scared that Father Emerson would come back and tell everyone I kissed Clara and that's why they left… worried about my best friend and terrified that God hated me. I was so sure that I was bad. So sure something was wrong with my soul and I swore I would never tell anybody about what happened and I promised every day that I'd never do it again...
"I heard later that Clara's dad beat her so badly that she was hospitalized and I thought…" Jane paused as her voice cracked. "I knew it was my fault. I thought if I told anyone why he did it that I would get in trouble like Father Emerson said so I kept quiet." Jane cried heavily, refused to look at anything other than the ceiling or her hands, which she wrung violently together.
"Jane, none of that was your fault, you have to know that," Maura grabbed Jane's hands tight, trying to give some strength to her friend.
"Yeah, I know. Now I know. That's kind of a hard thing for an eleven-year-old to deal with and I guess I internalized it… I kept this secret for almost thirty years," Jane shrugged. Maura had assessed that Jane experienced some degree of catholic guilt but never knew that it ran so deeply. It broke her heart to hear that Jane had experienced such hatred and she longed to erase the suffering from Jane's mind.
"Hey..." Maura cooed to get Jane's attention, curious but afraid to hear the rest of the story. "What happened to Clara?" Jane tensed and closed her eyes. "What happened to her, Jane?" Maura whispered the question, fearful for the answer she knew was coming.
"She died, Maura," Jane's voice cracked. "Her brain got too swollen for her skull and she died. I was so convinced that it was my fault… for so long I knew that God was punishing me for kissing her and that if I ever said anything, He'd hurt more people."
"Oh my God…" Maura murmured and pulled Jane over so that she could cradle the other woman protectively to her chest.
"I tried so hard not to be gay, Maura, I… I hated every part of me that missed Clara for so long. I hated every part of me that thought a girl was pretty. I had to pretend so that nobody would get hurt again. I tried to like boys and I tried to love Casey, but it's just… I don't feel… anything." Jane seemed to have opened the floodgates for all of her deepest secrets and Maura just held onto her tightly, willing Jane to know that she wouldn't let anything hurt her anymore. "I know it's okay. In my mind, I know that God wouldn't be homophobic and that Father Emerson was just a horrible person, but I look at you sometimes and I feel like that confused eleven-year-old kid that's so sure there's something wrong with her...
"So when I saw those people taking pictures of us in the restaurant… we were holding hands and I'd held the door open for you... It reminded me of Sister Mae catching me and Clara and I felt it all over again, but I was scared for you, Maura. And then you tried to kiss me and I wanted to- I want to kiss you too, but I can't. I got so scared for you, and I know that it's irrational and it doesn't make any sense but I'm so terrified of how I feel for you, Maura. I've never been so scared in all my life." Maura listened to Jane's admission and hot tears fell down her face. It was the weakest Maura has ever seen Jane be, but it was also the strongest because it took every ounce of courage Jane had to admit all of it. "That's why I didn't tell Ma that she was wrong… I want so badly for it to be true but I just can't-"
"It's okay, Jane. We're okay," Maura whispered as she rubbed slow circles into Jane's back, trying to absorb everything Jane had just admitted.
"I don't want to be afraid anymore, Maura," Jane whispered against Maura's chest. "I don't want to be, but I am…" Jane breathed and a sob wracked her body. Maura adjusted her arms so that she was holding Jane tightly to her chest and they lay there on the living room floor crying together into the night.
A couple of hours later, dehydrated from crying and sorer than she had ever been, Maura decided that it was time they both move to the bedroom. She slowly eased Jane into a sitting position, tentatively took her best friend's hand, and pulled her to her feet. Jane seemed almost dazed. Maura led her to the bedroom and got Jane settled in the bed. She moved to her closet and quickly changed before she slipped under the blanket, pulling Jane back into an embrace so that she could continue her silent support.
Maura spent the morning staring up at the ceiling as Jane breathed quietly beside her. She still held Jane's hand and rubbed lazy patterns across Jane's soft skin. She had a lot of new information to think about. She knew that she wanted a relationship with Jane and that Jane was attracted to her, but she was unsure if Jane would be able to overcome her fears that had been so ingrained in her personality. For such a horrific thing to have happened to her best friend at such a young age, she knew it would take a lot of hard work and a lot of time for Jane to work through the issue; if she even wanted to.
It suddenly struck Maura just how hard Jane would have to work to be able to love her in the most biblical sense of the term. Both she and Jane had a lifetime of thinking something was wrong with them. Jane had a lifetime of confusion and self-hate, just as Maura had a lifetime of neglect and self-doubt. The difference was that Maura had been working on her issues since she became aware of them, but Jane would just be starting out. The thought brought bile into Maura's throat because even in her ability to compartmentalize and rationalize her insecurities, she still had moments of self-doubt and self-loathing. A lifetime of progress hadn't healed her fully and, in her opinion, her issues weren't nearly as serious as Jane's. Just as sure as the journey would be difficult, though, she was hopeful they could make it through together; just as they always had.
Still, Maura knew that she would accept Jane in any capacity. Maura thought back to the best relationships, the best connections she'd ever had, and compared them to her feelings for Jane. She'd had numerous friends and had made connections with various people throughout her life but she'd always had the impression that they were all surface-level relationships. She'd been relentlessly bullied throughout grade school and had to work incredibly hard to overcome her social anxiety. When she did, she found that she was able to speak politely to people and befriend them. She got invited to gatherings and events often enough, but there was always a little part of her brain that knew she was invited out of obligation and politeness, not because she was actually wanted.
Garrett had been the first person to at least try to connect to her, but in hindsight, she realized that he hadn't actually cared about her at all. She'd been desperate for genuine human connection (as embarrassed as she was to admit that), and she willed herself to ignore his faults. She'd been so happy to find someone who seemed willing to deal with her lack of social cues and oversharing, that she hadn't considered why Garrett might have been willing to listen to her. Detective Crowe's comment about 'putting up with her Googlemouth so he could hit it,' crossed Maura's mind and she blushed. She'd known, deep in her heart, that Garrett had dealt with her oddities not because he loved her, but because she was attractive and because they made a good match in theory; because his parents would approve. She knew that he didn't truly love her for who she was and it was painful to live with that knowledge, especially after she'd agreed to marry him.
It had taken her a few months to realize that she didn't want to be merely tolerated for the rest of her life. As much as it had scared and hurt her at the time, she accepted the fact that she would rather continue her lonely life than have a husband who merely put up with her. She knew she made the right choice when she called off the engagement and she suddenly felt like she could breathe again. She was surprised to feel free. Garrett taught her that it was better to be on her own than to settle for being tolerated. He taught her that marrying out of convenience was not something she wanted. She especially knew she made the right call when, years later, she found out he murdered his brother, but still, he had helped her to grow.
Ian had felt like the love of her life for so long, but in the throes of war surrounding them, she could admit that their passion might have been exaggerated by the risk of death. It was easy for her to claim that he was the love of her life when he was conveniently half a world away from her. He was a crutch for Maura; an excuse for why she was unable to connect with other people. She could tell herself that all of her dates failed because she felt so passionately when Ian was around. In retrospect, of course, she would feel passionate about Ian when he was around. He brought out the adrenaline of being in a warzone and the memories of their hot, sweaty bodies writhing together in the heat of passion in exotic lands. The chemical response her body had to him was maddening, but that's all it was; a physical-chemical response. She hadn't connected with him emotionally because they simply hadn't had the time. Their relationship was a constant rush of adrenaline in saving lives and then using the rest of their spare time ripping each other's clothes off and submitting to their carnal desires. Though now it was easy to admit that eroticism and a concoction of lust-filled adrenaline wasn't actually love. She'd actually still felt quite lonely while they were together, she was just too starved for human connection to be able to admit it to herself. She could no longer use Ian as an excuse for her inability to connect because she'd connected so strongly with Jane.
Maura looked over to the sleeping detective and felt different chemicals rush through her body. Instead of a frenzied desire, the rush made Maura feel soft. Melty. Jane made her feel like she was relaxing in a hot bath after a long day, surrounded by the scent of lavender bubble bath while listening to Yo-Yo-Ma. It was peaceful. It was exactly what she needed. Jane felt like safety and security and home. She took in Jane's relaxed face and her heart felt like it was growing within her chest; an impossibility. Though everything with Jane seemed impossible. It was impossible that Maura had found someone who enjoyed listening to her. It was impossible that Jane cared so much and so deeply for Maura that she'd risked her life several times in the hopes of saving her. It seemed impossible to Maura that she'd fallen helplessly, madly, completely in love with Jane; the surly, cranky, brash and sarcastic detective who was messy and complex… and caring, and kind and so selfless that it made Maura physically angry sometimes. Her relationship with Jane was more fulfilling than anything she'd ever experienced before and Maura's eyes started tearing up as sadness began to overwhelm her. She felt so torn between her desire to love Jane fully and her need to protect Jane from experiencing more pain at the mere thought of kissing another woman. Maura knew though, that if this was all her relationship with Jane could ever be; she would be more than willing to live with it.
Jane was enough just the way she was. The sweetness Jane provided in her gentle caresses of Maura's cheek. The way Jane took care of her emotionally was more than she'd ever hoped to experience. The way Jane protected Maura had her heart fluttering in her chest. She looked at Jane's long lashes as Jane slept and she squeezed the detective's hand; knowing that the handholding, the longing glances, the sweet words and intense connection that they shared would be enough. It already was enough. It had been enough for years. If Jane was never ready to do more than kiss the side of Maura's head or hold her hand in a line at a coffee shop, that was fine. Maura had experienced the opposite of this with Ian and she knew beyond the reason of a doubt that Jane, just the way she was, was what she preferred to have for the rest of her life. It wasn't even a sacrifice to Maura. It was a blessing. Jane was a blessing that she was not willing to lose or push.
Maura knew she still had some small tears in her eyes when Jane's eyes fluttered open but she did nothing to hide them. She could be vulnerable with Jane like she could be with nobody else. She smiled softly, lovingly at the brown eyes and sighed in contentment, knowing that loving Jane in any capacity possible would always be the best decision of her life.
"Hi," Maura whispered and she didn't care that her voice was high pitched and full of emotion. She wanted Jane to know that this, what they shared together, was enough.
"How long have you been laying here counting and staring at me?" Jane grumbled in her early morning voice and Maura's smile widened.
"I wasn't counting. I don't need to count anymore. I was thinking," Maura admitted quietly.
"About what?" Jane closed her eyes again and snuggled further into the pillow. Yes, definitely enough.
"Us…" Maura shrugged and Jane peeked an eye open to curiously look at Maura. Maura lifted Jane's hand and pressed a kiss to her fingers before letting go and scooting closer to Jane so that they were inches apart. She began to trace the contours of Jane's face, along her eyebrow, across her sharp cheekbones, down Jane's cute nose and across her slightly parted lips. Maura followed her finger with her eyes until she eventually dropped her hand to the limited space between them. She looked up into Jane's concerned gaze and knew she must look at least a little bit silly to Jane; crying slightly but smiling anyway. No wonder Jane was looking at her with concerned curiosity.
Jane seemed to sense how emotional Maura was because she lifted her hands to hold Maura's and they lay together, gazing at each other, Jane concerned and patient, and Maura with absolute devotion and awe.
"This is what I want," Maura murmured and Jane's eyebrow pulled together.
"I don't know what you mean, Maura. What's happening in that big, beautiful brain of yours?" Jane whispered back and Maura pulled Jane's hands close to her heart and closed her eyes, willing Jane to feel what she was feeling.
"I want you, Jane. I don't care in what capacity I can have you," Maura opened her eyes to see that Jane was starting to tear up too. "You've made my life better than I ever thought it could be… what I have with you now… that's enough for me. I don't need anything else, I just want you." Maura admitted through the emotion tightening her throat and Jane's eyebrows pulled together.
"But I can't give you what you deserve… I-I'm messed up, Maura," Jane whispered back thickly as she tried not to cry.
"Jane, you give me everything," Maura murmured. "You've given me so much. Taught me so much. I love you, Jane. I'll love you for the rest of my life in every way that you'll let me."
"I can't ask you to do that, Maura…" Jane muttered and looked down in shame before looking back up. Maura had never seen such vulnerability and selflessness before. It was scary and beautiful all at once. "You deserve someone who can give you everything… I can't right now… I don't know if I ever could."
"I don't care," Maura retorted resolutely, and although her voice was quiet it was also strong. "You've given me more than I could need. The relationship that we have is already so fulfilling… It's just sex, Jane. I don't… I'd rather have this." Maura stated as she squeezed Jane's hands closer to her heart. Jane glanced down at their entwined fingers and sighed.
"No," Jane spoke after some time.
"No?" Maura reiterated and felt her heartbeat speed up in fear.
"I want to be with you, Maura. I've wanted to be with you since I met you," Maura listened as Jane spoke and although there was still vulnerability and fear in Jane's eyes, there was also fire and tenacity. "You're my best friend. You're my person. You're it for me and I love you with everything that I am… I know you think it's just sex, and it is in a way, but it's also more than that… to me, anyway," Jane paused to look down and gather her thoughts before continuing. "I want everything with you. I want to hold your hand walking down the street. I want you to kiss my cheek for pouring you a glass a wine. I want…" Jane paused to furiously blush. "I want to kiss you on the top of a volcano in the cliffs of Santorini when we get married in Red Sox jerseys. I want to love you, Maura, in every sense of the word and for the rest of my life. I want you," Jane finished and Maura took a shuddering breath before she reached her arms around Jane to pull her into a tight embrace.
"You have me, Jane. You've had me for so long," Maura admitted as the tears continued to spill out of her eyes and into Jane's curls. Jane let Maura hug her for a few moments but then pulled away.
"But I also have some pretty messy issues that I need to work on before I can do this…" Jane spoke sadly but reasonably. "It's not something that can be fixed in a day. Maybe not even in a lifetime. I've got thirty years of… self-hate and confusion that I don't know how to deal with."
"Then we'll get someone to help you deal with it… If you want to," Maura reasoned and Jane squeezed her hands.
"I want to. I want to try but… I uh, it's hard to talk about with you… I don't know how to talk to a stranger about it…" Jane seemed embarrassed so Maura raised their clasped hands and peppered them with kisses.
"Then they'll probably help with that first. Let me make some calls and get you the resources needed to help you?" Maura asked and Jane closed her eyes as if debating in her head.
"Okay," Jane finally responded.
"Okay."
"I legally have to go see the shrink at work if I have more than one panic attack in a month anyway." Jane rolled her eyes and continued when Maura looked at her in confusion. "It's been in my contract ever since Hoyt."
"Oh, I didn't know that."
"You didn't really need to until now." Jane shrugged.
"You know... I want you to get help so that you can be happy, Jane… but I don't want you to do it for me. I want you to do it because you know you need to. If you're just going for me then you won't heal and-"
"Hey," Jane interrupted and placed a finger to Maura's lips. "I'm going because I need to. I meant what I said last night. I don't want to be afraid anymore." Maura kissed the finger silencing her and they laid together in peace, both in awe at what each was willing to give or sacrifice for the other.
a/n: Poor, poor Jane. Maura is learning just as much about our favourite detective as she is about herself. Worry not, my little cinnamon buns, it is always darkest before the dawn. So much fluff is coming your way, you don't even know. And yes, I know Maura's character is a very sexual being, I will be addressing that soon, so don't y'all worry none.
I have a question for my American readers: do all Catholic schools in the US have nuns as teachers? We have Catholic schools in Canada, but the teachers are just regular old teachers who happen to believe in God. My Google search was not entirely helpful.
As a side note, I took NyQuil before I gave this the final read, so like, I'm kinda high? Loopy? Whatever. The point is, my brain is not at max capacity ATM. I hope you liked this emotional rollercoaster regardless, and you will be getting a new chapter in three to seven business days. I'm having trouble with a bit of the next bit. I know what I wanna do, I just don't yet know how to pull the strings in my puppet-mastery ways.
Anyway, review and let me know if you liked or not, I appreciate the positive feedback and constructive criticism. Let me know what you think of Jane's backstory or perhaps hazard a guess as to what happens next! I really love hearing from you all.
