KYLO POV
Kylo and Jay sat on opposite ends of the wide sofa, Kylo shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Why had he suggested they do this? He had no real idea how to speak to her yet, he barely knew the woman sitting before him, and he was expected to pledge himself and his life to her in a number of days, how would he even begin to connect to her?
Jay looked remarkably more relaxed, leaning back against the sofa cushions with one leg crossed over the other and her arms lay over the cushion she held in her lap. He could tell that she was concentrating on her breathing though, she took slow and deliberate breaths in and out, trying to make them unnoticeable.
He noticed everything about her, whenever he set eyes on her. The subtle way she rubbed her thumb and index finger together by her side when he sensed her nervousness, the gentle strain of her neck muscles when she turned to look at him, the lines of jade and emerald that ran through her iris centers and glimmered as she smiled
Oh, he noticed
It was an unnerving experience for him, he had only ever seen real beauty in the seduction he felt radiating from the dark side of the force, in the power and chaos it held within its black recesses that pulled and caressed at his mind. The force had changed his soul, and he adored it in all of its splendor
But this, this was another kind of beauty, one he had never experienced within the confines of the First Order
She held another power, purity. She was unbiased, non-judgemental. She had been forced from her home and thrust forward into a world she had never experienced or asked to be a part of, and she had done it with grace and dignity. She hadn't been brought here kicking and screaming, no clawing at her door or biting remarks. He respected her for it, she had surpassed his expectations in so many ways.
He had said to her on her first day onboard that he had considered himself lucky at the prospect of their union, yet he had never told her why. It was a simple reason, because as he had stood within her parent's throne room, surrounded by unfamiliar and unbecoming people, he had felt nothing but dread. He'd been almost terrified, if he could ever feel such a thing, that when she walked through into the same room he would see a mirror image of the people that had surrounded him, the most insulting and vile beings from her world had been in attendance, and his greatest fear at the time was that she would be no different.
How wrong he had been, sat across from him was the polar opposite of every one of those disgusting creatures. She was no brutish tyrant, she was everything but. In her heart he detected nothing but kindness, beauty that matched her exterior, he felt calmed by her very presence
He felt incredibly lucky
All this, and he could not find the strength to say any of it. He had been trained well, his master teaching him that any sign of emotion showed nothing but weakness, he could not express his heart.
Glancing back at her, he found her scanning his eyes, trying to understand what he was so deeply in thought about. Composing himself swiftly he relaxed his posture and adopted a more casual expression, and clearing his throat he finally spoke
"So, how did you find everything today with officer Chamberlain?"
It was obviously an unexpected question, but she answered quickly
"Overwhelming, but I'm glad she was there. She's going to handle most of the preparations, I'm not particularly interested in guest lists or decorations, it all seems a little irrelevant considering the circumstances. I focused mainly on things I would need to actually participate in"
She paused for a moment before continuing
"I decided on a dress, Chamberlain has a copy for the tailor to use as a reference but I can show you the original if you'd like to approve it?"
Kylo realised he hadn't even considered that she would need a dress, the concept of wedding attire wasn't one he was well-versed in, but he knew the superstitions surrounding it as well as anyone
"No!"
The sudden outburst caused Jay to scoot back a little further in her seat. Seeing that he had unnerved her, Kylo softened his tone
"I mean, it's a tradition, isn't it? Bad luck or something similar?"
She smiled a little and cocked an eyebrow
"Really? You, of all people, worried about a silly superstition?"
He realised how strange it must have sounded coming from him, but he nodded anyway and pursed his lips together
"I just want to ensure traditions are upheld, they're supposed to be important to the eventual success of any marriage"
As she processed his response they heard the familiar door chime sound, and he quickly rose to answer it, keen to avoid any further embarrassment on the subject of his superstitious beliefs. Opening the doors he found himself looking into the eyes of the same young man that had brought Jay her breakfast. The boy clearly hadn't been informed that the second tray he carried was intended for the notorious Master of the Knights of Ren, and his eyes flooded with terror as he was revealed
Kylo narrowed his eyes at the boy to maintain his infamous demeanor, before standing aside and allowing him through. The young man scurried into the room, placing the trays as quickly as possible and not even looking up at Jays face, before all but sprinting from the room while Kylo remained beside the doorway, watching him
As the doors closed he heard Jay speak up
"Why? He's already so obviously terrified of you, why did you have to give him that look?"
He turned back to her and made his way back to his seat, lifting the glass cloche from each plate and uncorking the bottle of Qenett Clairet wine to begin pouring.
"You are well aware of the face I present to the galaxy, and I present it with purpose. Don't be fooled, I try to relax myself and speak to you in a more comfortable and less intimidating way, you are to be my wife, I don't want to distress or frighten you, but I cannot allow anyone else to witness the same behaviour"
He put down the bottle as he finished pouring and focused his attention on her, a slightly saddened look in his eyes
"Please understand, I can't deny that the galaxy's perception of me is true, inside I am the cruel and malicious monster that I am made out to be, I cannot change that. I have an uncontrollable desire to better my opponents, I will never stop reaching for the power I crave so deeply, and I will do so with an iron fist and a blood soaked weapon..."
Jay was visibly saddened by his admission, but he continued
"...but I will never be that to you. I have no intention to ever harm you Jay, I never want our time together to be darkened by hate or distrust. If I need to expel some of my inner anger I will do it far from you, never directing it towards you. I will not be the perfect partner, I cannot promise faithfully that I will be a particularly good one either, but I will never harm you. You will not bear the brunt of my hardened heart"
He took a large gulp of his wine and leaned back into the cushions, staring forward into the opposite wall, avoiding her gaze. He didn't know where the admission of his inner turmoil had come from, but he was glad in a way that it had surfaced. He never wished to appear softened or vulnerable to anyone, but with her, he just couldn't help himself, she deserved an explanation.
Everything he had said was the truth. He would carry on as he always had, she would never change his uncontrollable lust for the dark side or quest for more control, it was ground too deeply into his spirit. There would be times when his rage was beyond his control, as there had been many times before, and he would drive his saber into the closest inanimate object or whoever dared to approach him next. He would continue on in his ruthless campaign, no care or concern for anyone's welfare or safety.
Besides hers.
She would be important to him, he swore it. Never before had he encountered someone so kind of spirit, he could sense her loving nature, it overwhelmed his senses when she was near. She did not belong here, amongst such abhorrent creatures such as himself. So he would ensure her a safe future, try his best for her, control himself.
Even now, she looked at him with such sympathy and compassion, his admission having hit her hard, she should have looked disappointed, but still she radiated understanding. She understood that he would never change, and she accepted him for it.
How would he ever evolve to deserve her love?
Picking up his utensils. he inwardly cursed himself for such a display of weakness, and for his already blooming concern for her well being. He had barely known the woman for two days and already he was promising himself never to harm her and always to keep her safe, it was ridiculous.
He shrugged off the thought of his vulnerability as he began to eat, as long as he maintained his known attitudes and ambitions before the Order, he could act as softly and compassionately towards her as he liked behind closed doors. Even without possessing the skill to look into the future he knew that this woman was quickly earning a place inside his cold, barren heart, and the worst thing was that he didn't mind.
