A/N: Thanks so much for reading the last chapter, everyone! Glad to see some of you are still ready even though I rarely update. Will try my best to do so more often.
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TWENTY
Nirvana
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Lana sat outside on the porch in a robe; a cigarette between her fingers. It was the brink of dawn and a dim blue light illuminated the neighborhood. She had left Oliver sleeping on the sofa inside, carefully dislodging herself from under his arm, careful not to wake him. The night before she had felt things she had never felt before- or at least none that she remembered. She had felt so vulnerable underneath him, buried beneath his weight yet safe at the same time. Her toes curled and her cheeks burned at how giving he had been. Her body still swooned from hungry kisses that touched almost every inch of her skin.
She took a drag from the cigarette and smothered it on the porch step. She found herself sitting outside in the early morning and no feelings of regret had surfaced. She had been clumsy in her passion and utterly inexperienced but Oliver was patient and he was gentle. Lana felt no remorse for what they had done but she feared Oliver would. She guessed she'd find out when he awoke.
Lana glanced down the street where their neighbors were beginning to arouse in their homes and start the day. Any minute now husbands would emerge from their houses to go to work. Their wives would stop at the door and wave them goodbye while they stayed home and tended to their babies and their daily duties as mothers and wives. Lana didn't remember much of her life before Briarcliff aside from what Oliver had told her and what little she did. She had been a working woman; never one to stay home to clean and cook. She couldn't cook. Lana felt that in her bones.
Would she be a good wife?
Would she be a good mother?
She began to imagine herself as a housewife with little ones at her heels. It was such an odd thought; she never thought herself to be a mother. Then again she'd never thought herself a patient at Briarcliff either. She was sure she never imagined herself to be lost in her own life. That much she knew. Still, the past was so unknown to her and so was the future. Lana knew she couldn't go back but she could still go forward. She still had that opportunity.
The door opened, letting the warmth escape, hitting Lana in the back. She hadn't realized how cold it had been outside. Her thoughts had kept her numb to the cold.
Oliver stood next to her, breathed in the crisp morning air and took a seat next to her. He had left his glasses inside. They sat in silence for a short moment.
"I suppose I don't know the meaning of remorse." Oliver finally broke the silence.
Lana turned to meet his glance and the two smiled. She had been thinking the same thing.
"I suppose I don't either."
They chuckled and then fell into silence once more. Oliver glanced over to steal a look. She was so beautiful in the dim morning light and he couldn't help to feel a sense of joy over the fact that he had been with her. Indeed he hadn't been the first lover in her life but he had been the first man. Now Oliver knew that mattered nothing but he just counted himself lucky that he had the pleasure.
Alas, he watched her, noticing the small purple and pink bruise on her clavicle where he had kissed just a little bit too hard. What he wouldn't do to be able to kiss her all over again in that moment.
"Are you okay?" He asked after a moment, eager to hear her voice.
"I'm fine." She answered, glancing down the street, "I can't say the same for my legs."
They laughed together. Oliver cleared his throat. "Lana, I-" Lana turned to meet his eyes again and his voice faltered. For a moment she feared he'd regret his words and come forth with a truth that would hurt her so, she'd have to pack up and leave. "I hope you're alright and not just pretending for my sake."
"Oliver, you worry too much. Did you know that?"
He shook his head with a soft smile. "I suppose I do."
Lana looked down to her lap, feeling her toes curl at the thought of his body so close to hers. It was an odd feeling but one she was ever so curious about. Perhaps she should take those steps forward. The past was staying where it belonged.
"Will things change between us?" She asked. She had been afraid they would be awkward or worse, that Oliver would no longer want her and send her back to Briarcliff.
He looked to her, "Change like how?"
"You know, for the better?"
"Do you want things to change?"
Lana leaned against his arm, resting her head on his shoulder. "Sometimes I feel like a little bird that just can't fly away."
"Why is that?"
"Because I found my home."
They had gone inside when Oliver noticed the trembling of her fingers. He took her back to their shared room and sat her on the bed while he ran a hot bath for her. Oliver still did things for her that she once couldn't do herself. Not because he wanted to treat her like a delicate child but because it had become habit.
He cared for her. He always wanted to care for her but in the back of his mind he knew he had to let her fly on her own. Still, running a bath for her was the least he could do with himself that morning.
Lana sat on their bed, a blanket draped around her. She stared at the carpet thinking of his touch and his hot breath upon her skin. He had tasted like the martini he had been drinking that now stained the living room carpet.
"Are you ready? Lana?" His voice came and she looked up to meet his gaze.
She nodded silently and stood to her feet, following him into the bathroom. Oliver helped her disrobe and into the bathtub. Her naked body had been nothing new to him but she seemed rather shy and brought her knees to her chest once she was in the hot water.
"Now you just try and keep warm and I'll go start breakfast." He turned to leave the room when she stopped him.
"Can you stay?" her demand had been so simple.
Oliver gave her a soft, pressed smile and a silent nod. He turned back and sat on the lid of the toilet, elbows perched on his knees. He noted her quiet exterior and longed to ask but when wasn't Lana quiet and pensive?
"Are you just going to sit there or do you need help?" He teased.
Lana stuttered but before she could say anything he knelt in front of the tub and took the sponge, lathering it with perfumed soap and rubbing her back with it. Her skin was like milk and honey, inches scarred from the horrors of Briarcliff. Stil, he leaned in and kissed the crook of her neck, inches from where he had left his mark.
Lana felt her heartbeat fast and her toes curled again. She felt a strange sensation in her lower stomach and her cheeks grew hot.
"M'sorry." he mumbled.
Lana glanced up to look at his face. She felt like a child that didn't know anything and it built a frustration inside of her that gnawed at her constantly. She felt so limited in the things she could and couldn't do. She yearned to have her full self back to be able to the things she wanted to do. She was embarrassed at how inept she was in such intimate moments. She didn't know what a man liked or didn't like. She had no idea how to truly satisfy them. Of course satisfying men wasn't something that had ever been on her list of priorities or in her passing thoughts but looking into Oliver's brown eyes made her feel like she wanted to give him the world.
"Can you teach me?" The word spilled out of her mouth.
"Teach you what exactly?" He was rather confused and had only been concentrating on washing her back.
Lana raised her hand from the water, reaching over and grabbing the bottom of his shirt, softly giving it a pull. "To make you happy."
Oliver tensed and he felt his ears go hot. He exhaled with an embarrassed smile, "Lana, you don't have to do things to please me. Do you understand?" He worried about how much she truly understood her actions. He didn't want to be taking advantage of her.
Lana frowned at him, "I'm not a child."
"No, you're not."
"Don't be afraid to hurt me, Oliver. I'm not fragile."
Oliver exhaled and nodded. She was right. Lana was the strongest person he knew but he couldn't help to feel like she'd break at his rough touch. "I just want you to be sure that this is what you want."
"It is." She stated and stood from the bath, revealing her naked frame to him.
Oliver stood slowly, eyes traveling up her body and to her eyes. "You know there isn't going back after this. Not for me."
Lana stepped out of the tub and grabbed a hold of his belt. "I don't want to look back."
She lay beneath him on the bed; the shades were drawn and the room was dark. They could hear the sound of the rain crashing against the window. The night before there had been no time to speak or discuss anything. It had all happened so fast but there in that moment they had all the time in the world.
Lana raised her hand, placing it on Oliver's cheek. He had a strong jawline and handsome features. She thought of all the women he had come across while he left the house and there was a sense of jealousy that brewed inside of her. It was such a silly thing but it made itself known.
Her hand fell from his face and trailed down his neck and onto his chest. She could feel the pulsing of his heart. It beat wildly but what she didn't know was that it beat for her.
"What are you thinking?" His voice was almost a whisper.
Her eyes locked with his once more, lips parted, heart beating in her ears. "A lot of things." Somehow the answer wasn't good enough for her but it was the only one she had.
He leaned in and kissed her forehead and then the corner of her lips. His kisses were gently and made her squirm beneath him. She knew she would never be safe with anyone that wasn't him.
"Are you serious?" Lana asked, amused as she sat with her legs crossed beneath her on the same blankets they had been laying on all day. It was mid evening and they still had not gotten up from the bed in their shared room.
"I'm serious." Oliver chuckled, "It happened, I swear it."
"That sounds like something you'd see in one of those movies you speak of so much."
"Well, when you live in the system you see a lot of crazy things."
Lana's smile softened. Oliver laid down before her, arm perched on his elbow, eyes on his strong hands that had just pinned her arms down moments ago while he kissed her fiercely.
"A lot of crazy things."
Lana sighed, "I wish I could remember stories like that."
"I'm sure you have them. One day you'll remember."
Lana frowned lightly at this. She wondered if she'd feel different about Oliver if she remembered her past. She hoped not.
"I do have this dream." She said, "It's strange and I cannot tell if it's real."
"What is it?" His eyes went to her. God was she beautiful. Even when she wore his briefs and muscle shirt that still smelled like him. "You told me a story in the garden." She paused, "But I don't remember that place having a garden but it was beautiful."
This dream sounded familiar to Oliver, "What story?"
"One about pomegranate seeds."
Oliver looked down and smiled to himself, "No matter how long the winter is, Spring always arrives."
"Was it real then?"
He nodded, "It was. I was there."
