Chapter 4: Light My Fire
Margot had gotten off of work at 5 pm with retrieving her sketchbook being her only evening plans. She took a long drag of her cigarette, imagining ways for her to get Jim's attention. That's all she wanted. She wanted his undivided attention. She wanted him to pull her in close and whisper the secrets of the earth in her ear.
She found her way to the nearest phone booth on the Sunset Strip and dialed the number of Nancy's dorm room with hesitation.
Would Nancy think she was a slut for wanting to change herself to make him notice her? Or would she lose all of her appeal to Nancy who would lose her doll? The abrupt connection of the telephone line interrupted Margot's thoughts.
"Hello?" Nancy's sweet, bird-like voice asked.
"Umm… Hi, it's Margot, Nancy."
"Hi, Margot! What do you need?"
"Can I borrow something to wear?"
And with that, Margot was off to the UCLA dorms on her light-yellow, old bike, the cigarette still held between her lips. She arrived drenched in sweat from the Californian summer. The worst part about the state she called home was that the sun here could weigh on Margot's pale, easily-burnt skin to a degree simply unseen elsewhere. She took her shower as she normally did: shaving, preparing herself for the future. She carried herself to Nancy's room and was greeted with a warm smile.
"So? What's the purpose of this?"
Margot let that question hang in the air as she crossed her arms and let her gaze fall to the floor. What was the purpose of this? Was she setting herself up for disappointment? Would he reject her, leaving her desperate to follow him into the unknown? Was this all for nothing?
Nancy had realized that Margot had gone cold again. She'd been finding it easier and easier to recognize her friend's moments of anxiety symptoms.
"Hey, you don't have to tell me. Lemme just pick something out for you."
Margot sat on the edge of the bed and watched Nancy sort through her clothes which were a kaleidoscope of colors and patterns. Margot pushed her anxious thoughts to the back of her mind and prayed for everything to work out. If there was a god, this was the only real wish that she prayed for that she needed. She needed this. She needed this so badly.
Nancy didn't speak to Margot or ask prying questions. She simply laid down a black sleeveless, turtleneck mini dress that rode up Margot's legs. She wasn't used to showing so much skin but she enjoyed it. She enjoyed being able to show what feminine attributes she almost had.
Nancy watched Margot put on the dress with anticipation for what she would think of herself in such a revealing dress. Nancy couldn't believe how Margot was growing up right before her eyes, even though they had just met a couple of months ago. Margot was her doll, but Nancy still wanted her doll to be happy.
"One last thing," Nancy gave Margot a pair of 4 inch black high heels.
Nancy bit her lip, everything seemed to be going so fast. Margot was growing up too quickly. She wasn't ready to be alone, venturing out into the unknown be herself. Margot slid the high heels on and turned to Nancy waiting for her to give her some sort of insight of wisdom.
"Be careful, Margot."
"I'm gonna be okay, Nancy."
Nancy ushered Margot out of her room, quickly, catching Margot off guard. She could tell something was off about Nancy. Her friend was so rigid and quiet now. Margot pushed away those thoughts about Nancy and made her way to the sunset strip on her bike. Nancy only wanted to use Margot as a doll. She was only there to supply Margot with clothes and advice. Margot believed this. She started to convince herself that her only necessity was Jim. He would solve everything.
The next three hours Margot spent searching bars up and down the Sunset Strip on her bicycle, making her legs chaff. She was sweaty and embarrassed by the number of comments she was getting on her outfit. It was the definition of revealing and at times when Margot sat on her bike, her underwear would peak through her legs which caused men to whistle and howl.
She continued up and down Sunset Strip, but there was still no sign of Jim in the windows of crowded, rundown bars, run by cheap liquor and beer. Margot had to be precise about which bar she step foot in because there wasn't an unlikelihood that a dodgy bar could be her chance at getting raped. She wasn't going to let that happen.
It had reached midnight, and Margot was wound up with emotion. She spent so long and it amounted to nothing. She felt herself slump into the bike's seat. Margot had never experienced such powerful feelings in her lifetime. She was pushed by the overwhelming need to feel emotion her entire life, but her mother held her back. She now could grasp that dream but she started to realize how much she despised feeling. It hurt.
She drifted herself into the nearest bar, her mind in a daze. Alcohol solved her problems the night of Whiskey A-Go-Go, maybe it could again. Alcohol was warmth and comfort. Margot was comforted by depressants. They made her feel numb and emotionless. Margot never wanted to experience pain, like losing her only muse, again. It was too much.
She slumped into the barstool and pressed her forehead against the cold tile of the bar countertop. Her sweaty body was comforted by the cold compress. Her eyes reached up to the bartender's own.
"Vodka on the rocks, thanks."
Margot was too mentally exhausted to focus on the bartender and the men that surrounded her. She didn't care anymore. If she got raped, so be it. There was no purpose in trying to succeed in life anymore. She had lost her way and there was no other path in sight. No point. No future. No Jim.
The chime of the opening of the barn door was proceeded by the chants of excitement. The raucous caused Margot's head to pound and she was greeted by the amiable face of vodka, her new best friend. There was no point in turning around to see what the enthusiasm was about. All Margot had was ice-cold vodka and the comforting pain it brought to her now stinging throat.
"You really chugged that thing down, huh," replied a familiar voice and Margot's ears perked.
Margot felt her eyes beginning to water as she spun her chair around to face the voice. It was Jim. He was finally here. It was going to be okay again. She felt the hot tears running down her face as she quickly wiped them off with her arm, making sure he didn't notice. Margot's fight or flight response was kicking in, now realizing her situation. She felt her gasp at his intense gaze and her eyes fell to her lap.
"U-umm… can I please have my sketchbook back?"
The words were piercing into her skin and her cheeks heated up with embarrassment. She was too socially awkward for her own good and now, she just made a foul out of herself in front of the one person who has affected her life the most.
A smirk crawled across his face as Jim moved closer to hers. She could smell the whiskey and cigarette musk that came off of him, and she couldn't get enough of it. She would bathe in the smell if she could. His leather jacket was tight around his arms and intensified his outer look. He was a Greek god. A sculpture. A man this perfect couldn't be real.
"See, the thing is, girl, I really like the little book and would prefer to keep it. I mean, you did give it to me after all. But I will bargain with you in order for you to win it over. Just give me ten minutes with you and I'll give it back."
