A/N: Hi, everyone! I hope everyone's holidays have been going well. Just wanted to drop by and update this little fic before I freeze in this weather lol
Also, I wanted to thank everyone who stops by to read my little fics. I have received many kind words that always make my day and inspire me to keep writing. So thank you very much for giving this struggling writer some hope.

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THIRTY-FIVE

Mothers

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The April showers continued onto the third day after the child's birth; the sound of the rain crashing against the windows had been welcomed for the house felt so silent while the little tirant slept.

Lana leaned against the propped up pillows, eyes out the window that lead to the yard. She watched the rain drops race down the glass; Judy slept soundly at her feet. She had been very hesitant to approach the room with the wailing infant but after a few attempts, she claimed her spot at the foot of the bed where she slept before the tiny human was born.

She cradled the boy in her arms, patting his diapered bottom as he slept. Oliver had gone to the grocery store that morning. It was the first time Lana was alone with the baby and she fought the anxious urge to worry and panic. Alas, he wouldn't be gone long and little Johnny had been a dream so far opposed to the little terror he had been during the night.

Lana lowered her gaze upon the child and felt a gentle smile brush against her lips. She had studied every single inch of his little face; he was not even a week old and she already knew that she would do anything for him.

So far she had not slept much since his birth, too afraid that the orderlies and the nuns would come and take him away while she slept. Oliver tried to reason with her that her fears were only a figment of her imagination but her fears remained stubborn and unmoved. Lana knew it was all in her head but the anxiety made her second guess herself.

Her body was exhausted and her eyes fought heavy sleep. The first days had been hard and Lana cried out of frustration and sadness. Johnny was so small and innocent and when he cried, her heart shattered into a million pieces. The hormones were still running rampant but deep down Lana knew it was the fear of failing him. She had never loved anything as much as she loved that boy. Of course she loved Oliver but the love she felt for her son was so different and so fierce it rattled her core. Even with her clouded past, she just knew.

Aside from the fear and the worry, the last couple of days had felt like a dream, Lana couldn't help but to think of her past. She thought about the woman that used to exist and what she would think of the boy. Lana knew bits of her old life and her old self and she grew afraid of the outcome. But what she feared the most about that fact was that her old self still existed within her somewhere.

With the tip of her finger, Lana brushed his little cheek and watched as he turned his head. The corner of his lips jerked upward into what looked like a smile. At first she thought it had been but Oliver said it was called a rooting reflex. Lana found it all so fascinating and it was all so new to her. Johnny began to squirm about as he roused from his sleep. His eyes half opened as little sounds escaped him. So far he seemed to have a very strong and demanding personality.

Lana brought him closer, "Hello, little boy. Awake now, are we?" Lana found that she missed him while he slept; even if he laid in her arms. It was such a strange feeling.

Johnny made little sounds and stretched out his little legs. Judy stretched her body and perked her head at the sound of the baby that had woken her multiple times since his arrival. She gave a half meow and lazily closed her eyes.

Lana soothed Johnny. As if by instinct or habit, she grabbed his little foot and gently brushed his tiny toes between her fingers. She smiled when Johnny scrunched his face and wondered if her touch tickled him. She had noted a tiny birthmark on the side of his pinky toe. It looked like a tiny brown freckle. He had another similar freckle on the side of his neck. Lana studied the shape of his little feet and found that they looked so similar to Oliver's, down to the arch. Johnny also had the color of his hair and Lana couldn't wait to see how much more the boy would resemble his father with time.

His eyes had lightened a little since his birth and held a deep grayish color. Oliver seemed a bit fascinated but said it was often normal with newborns. It didn't mean his eyes would stay that color.

Johnny became upset and started to cry. Lana felt the panic within her stir but she forced herself to stay calm and lifted him up slightly, resting him against her chest the way Ms. Nora had taught her how. She gently rubbed his back to ease him. She stood from the bed and slowly made her way to the window.

"There, there, it's not so bad." She rested her cheek against his head. His hair was soft and he smelled so heavenly. "Now you stop that before you make me cry too." Lana told him half amused. She felt so helpless when he cried.

Johnny settled down after a moment and gently dozed off again. Judy's ears perked back and then she relaxed and she too laid her head down to return to sleep. Lana gently swayed to keep him at ease when she heard the sound of the front door open and sighed in relief. Oliver was finally back.

She smiled when she saw him come into the room. His jacket was kissed by multiple rain drops but he was smiling no less.

"Hey, I'm back." He spoke gently as he entered the room and walked up to her and the baby. "How are you feeling?" he referred to the soreness she had been experiencing.

"A little better." Lana responded.

Oliver kissed her forehead, glad to see her up and regaining her strength, "How was he?"

"A perfect little lamb." Lana smiled, ignoring the fact that after Oliver left, Johnny had thrown a massive fit that terrified her but she wasn't going to admit to that just yet.

Oliver took off his jacket.

"Would you like to hold him?" Lana asked. She didn't know why she had, of course Oliver wanted to and could whenever he pleased. He was absolutely smitten by the boy and wanted to help in everything.

"Yes." Oliver smiled and Lana gently placed the babe in his arms.

Oliver looked down at the boy, "Hello there, Johnny Allan."

Lana smiled, "You know, I like the way that sounds out loud."

Oliver chuckled lightly, "I do too. It was a good choice."

"Trust me, he'll thank us for not naming him Morris."

"Well, it's not too late to change our minds." He teased.

Lana frowned at this, "Yes. It is." She stated firmly and Oliver apologized.

Since they went with Lana's choice to name the boy after her favorite singer, Lana decided that she wanted Oliver to choose his middle name. Oliver named him after one of his favorite writers and the name Johnny Allan Thredson was placed on his birth certificate.

Lana leaned in and kissed Johnny's head. Oliver's gaze fell upon her and he instantly noted the drained look in her eyes. "Lana," He began gently, not wanting to start another argument over her lack of sleep.

"Hmm?" She looked up to meet his gaze.

Wanting to tread lightly, Oliver chose his words wisely, "Would you like some tea?"

Lana smiled and nodded.

Oliver placed the baby in his cradle and went up to Lana, placing his hands upon her shoulders, bringing her into an embrace. Even with the exhausted look upon her face, she was so beautiful to him. "You know I love you, don't you?" His voice was gentle and low.

"I do." Lana answered in the same tone; she already knew what worried him.

"You have to try. For me, okay?"

Lana nodded against his chest. He smelled like cologne and rain. "Okay, I'll try."

Oliver led her to the bathroom where he drew her a bath and left to make her tea. By the time he was finished, Lana was still in the tub and Johnny was still fast asleep in his cradle. Oliver set the hot tea on the nightstand and checked on the boy before meeting Lana in the bathroom.

He sat on the edge of the tub and gently scrubbed her back with the mesh loofah. Lana took in a deep breath and relaxed. A warm bath always calmed her. She didn't like the water too hot for it reminded her of Briarcliff.

"Oliver?" She broke the silence between them.

"Yes?"

"Do you think the person I used to be would love our son?"

Oliver stopped in his tracks; her question was one he was not expecting. "What do you mean?"

Lana turned slightly to meet his gaze, "You said I worked a lot. That I lived with a woman and had no family, correct?"

He nodded, "Yes, that's right."

"I didn't seem much of the motherly type, did I?" The solemn look in her eyes was clear as day.

That look was hard to ignore; he sighed, "Lana, some people change. With time or with circumstances. Sooner or later. Who you were then doesn't define who you are now." He paused for a moment and smiled sheepishly, "Your old self isn't a different personality that's going to take over your body if you remember it."

Lana grew tense at this, digging her nails into her skin.

"You'll just remember. That's all." He assured her.

Lana nodded and then forced a smile, "I guess I worry too much over nothing."

"Nerves are to be expected after the ordeals you went through." Oliver stood and grabbed a towel. "But with time you'll see that you can and will overcome them. I mean, you already have come so far."

Lana stood as well and let Oliver wrap the towel around her. He looked into her eyes and placed his hands on her shoulders, "Lana, what else are you afraid of?"

Lana held Oliver's gaze but the fear wrapped its cold hand around her throat and she remained silent. Besides, how could she tell him that Johnny wasn't the only one she was afraid to lose?

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Lana looked down at the little boy that laid on his blanket before her. His little arms and legs were curled up against him like a little ball. Lana tilted her head to the side, brows furrowed in deep thought, wondering why babies still slept like they were smushed in the womb. "Oliver?" She asked without looking up from the baby.

Oliver had brought all the groceries inside and had started to make a late lunch for them. He was hoping to make something decent and fulfilling enough that would leave Lana wanting to nap.

Oliver was sitting on the edge of the bed looking through the mail he brought inside. "Hmm?" He looked up from the list.

"Is it me or does Johnny look like a little roasted chicken?" Lana asked when she finally pinpointed it.

"What?" Oliver raised a brow and looked at the boy practically rolled into a ball with his limbs all huddled close. Slowly, Oliver began to chuckle and then his chuckle turned into a laugh, "Goodness, Lana. The things you think of."

Lana frowned and huffed a little, "Well, he does. Doesn't he?"

"Honestly, yes. He kind of does."

Johnny began to stir at the sound of his parents' laughter so Lana picked him up gently, "Oh, my little chicken. You're alright."

Oliver couldn't help but smile when he saw Lana interact with their boy. She was sweet and gentle and oh so loving. It truly began to make him wonder how her old self would react to her new reality.