Hello Lovelies,

I really hope you enjoy this chapter. It's time to find out what's bothering Christian...

Much Love,

Chelsea x


SuzB – Thank you! I'm very excited about this new position, fingers crossed I do okay! I hope you like this chapter! Much Love x

DoloresDeeHowe – Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy this chapter too. Much Love x

Paula White – Thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Much Love x


A couple of hours had passed and I was still stewing over my argument with Christian. I didn't understand what had unfolded between us. The way he grilled me about the wedding, insinuating that I didn't care or even want to marry him.

It was extremely out of character.

No. It's not.

This was old Christian clawing his way back to the forefront.

But I couldn't figure out why he had made another appearance.

Strumming my fingers on my desk, I debated whether to try calling him again. I had left five voicemails and over a dozen texts, nothing of them provoking a response from his end. He was shutting me out. Ignoring me.

I stared at my computer and opened up a new email. If he's slipping back into hardnosed CEO mode, maybe this will do the trick?

I just need him to start talking.


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:02

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

It's pretty obvious from your complete radio silence that you don't want to talk, but I'm hoping you'll at least listen to what I have to say. Or, rather, read it.

I don't know what has upset you. I don't know if someone or something has unnerved you. I won't know unless you tell me. But, either way, I want to help you.

I know this isn't about the wedding.

Stop shutting me out. I am here and willing to listen.

Ana


I waited a moment after hitting send, fully expecting him to delete my message without even opening it.

Ping.

My heart thumped as I saw a reply hit my inbox.


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:05

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

This isn't about the wedding.

I thought I made myself clear? This is very much about the wedding.

More importantly, I thought you were busy? Too busy to talk?


I clamped down on my tongue and took a deep breath. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rising, but I fought hard to suppress my budding frustration.

This is what he wants. It's what he does. He winds up other people as a way of deflecting the heat from himself. If he doesn't want to talk, he'll make sure he pisses you off enough so you don't want to talk to him.

I won't give in.


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:09

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

Answer me this: would you be happy if an employee allowed their personal life to interrupt work without it being an emergency? Would you be happy if their loved ones dropped in without any notice?

I'm guessing the answer is no.

We've talked about work. When I'm here, I need to be on my game. I thought you understood how much this means to me? You know how hard I have fought to even get this far.

Once again, I know this isn't about the wedding. Not really.

Please tell me what is actually bothering you?


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:12

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

I will concede on that point. I wouldn't allow it.

But, as I said, this is about the wedding. OUR WEDDING.

The fact you have no desire to set a date or even start making plans is bothering me. It shows me you don't care.


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:13

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

That's bullshit. I do care.


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:15

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

Why won't you allow us to set a date then?


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:16

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

I haven't prevented us from doing that in the first place!


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:17

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

You haven't prompted the conversation or made any effort in pushing this forward…


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:18

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

I just don't see what the rush is. That's all.


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:19

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

Isn't wanting to start our life together enough of a reason?


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:21

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

We're already spending our life together.

I'm in this for the long haul. I have been since day one, long before you proposed to me.

I haven't done anything wrong here.


There was a long delay before I received his next message.


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:32

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

Be honest with me – have you changed your mind?


I felt a lump form in the base of my throat.


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:35

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

No.

You shouldn't need to ask that question. You should already know the answer.

I haven't changed my mind. Nothing will ever make me change my mind. Not even your shitty attitude or bad temper -


I sat back in my chair and wondered what else to add.

I needed him to know – be one hundred percent sure – that this isn't something he should be questioning.


Christian, I know something else is behind this outburst and it's not the wedding. It's something bigger than this. I know you like the back of my hand. I can't always read you but I do know when something is wrong.

Whatever it is, you can tell me. Even if it doesn't make sense, just let it out and get it off your chest. Please? I'll never judge you. I'll never put pressure on you. All I want is for you to be okay and happy – neither of which you are right now.

I love you.

I have always loved you.

I'm here.

Your Ana x


I pressed send and rubbed my hands down my tired face.

Today has been the epitome of a shit day. Tomorrow couldn't come quick enough.

The bleep of a new message pulled my fingers from my eyes, my attention lifting to my screen again.


From: Christian Grey

To: Anastasia Steele

Date: 17 September 2012 16:40

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Talk later?


I managed a slight smile.


From: Anastasia Steele

To: Christian Grey

Date: 17 September 2012 16:41

Subject: You can't ignore me forever.

I'll see you later.

A x


Christian got home before I did, his R8 neatly parked in its usual spot next to my grey TT.

I took the elevator on my own, dismissing Jaz and Sawyer for the day. As soon as the sliding doors opened into the apartment, I was enveloped by sombre music. The sound of the piano made my gut twist, like a knife plummeting straight through me, its significance hitting me with a thud.

I placed my bag and jacket on the sideboard and kicked off my shoes, then shuffled over to the piano. We had moved it closer to the windows during our recent renovations, making room for the new L-shaped purple couch that took up most of the space.

Upon firing the spiteful Gia Matteo, Christian and I had thought long and hard about who could help us redesign the penthouse. After a lot of consideration and a lot of promises on her part, we agreed to let Mia step up to the task. And she proved more than a perfect match for the job. She was as ruthless as Christian when it came to cracking the whip on slow builders and decorators, but she also showed the same infectious charm as Elliot in order to haggle prices and get us better deals on our new furniture.

After completing the job in record time, Mia spoke candidly – and loudly - about her excitement to turn this endeavour into a business. She wasn't keen on being the only Grey without a real job. Most of us thought she was kidding when she raised the possibility of starting up an interior design business, but Christian saw something in her plans. He promised to sit down and look over her plans, willing to invest more than just his time in her pipe dreams.

Even passing through the apartment, I couldn't help but be in awe of how different everywhere looked. It was almost unrecognisable in every way, each room getting a much-needed facelift. For the seating and dining area, Mia had convinced us to welcome vibrant jewel tones into the space. Christian wasn't sure until he saw the whole thing come together. From the amethyst couch and chaise longue to the sapphire rugs, the opal drapes and rose quartz lighting… it clashed but worked at the same time. It was a world away from the previous dreary, monochrome design, the place truly feeling like home now.

My one true home, however, was currently hunched over his piano, his back to me as I approached.

His shoulders were arched and his head was bowed, a soft sway moving through his body as he played his pained composition.

I crept up behind him and lightly set on my hands on his shoulders. He didn't flinch as I touched him, his fingers still sliding up and down the keys. He continued playing for a beat, ending his tune on a harsh chord.

"I'm sorry," he muttered once the music had stopped. "I'm so sorry."

Draping my arms over his shoulders, I hugged him tight. "You're not yourself today, are you?" I checked. He shook his head. "What's happened? You were fine yesterday."

He hesitated, his bare feet scuffing the wooden floors while he prepared himself to speak.

"Today would have been her birthday," he finally revealed in a taut whisper.

A furrow twitched through my brows.

"My birth mother," he quickly added.

"Oh –"

I was caught off guard by his response.

"I'd completely forgotten about it," he said, gruffly. "It didn't cross my mind until I woke up this morning. Then it hit me. Like a fucking steam train."

I held him close to me, my chin resting on the top of his head.

"It hit me all at once," he grumbled. "It was too much. Everything came flooding back. All those thoughts. All those emotions."

"You got up and went for a run?"

He nodded.

"I wanted to block it out. Block her out."

"Did it work?"

He snorted under his breath.

"Is it her or the pimp?" I asked. "Which of them are tormenting you the most?"

"Her," he confirmed. "I only feel anger where he's concerned, but with her… there's so much more to it. I can't put it into words. She was my mother, for fuck's sake. She gave birth to me and then allowed me to suffer like that? She gave up on me."

I closed my eyes, hoping to stem the wave of sadness rippling through me.

"Is this a one off or have you been thinking about her a lot recently?"

"It's a one off," he said. I let out a small sigh of relief. "I think I've been too busy thinking about other things. I didn't have room in my head for her."

"That shit with Elena kept us both on our toes," I agreed. "And now she's out of the picture –"

"My other issues have burst back onto the scene," he huffed. "I'm never going to be free of it, am I?"

"You will," I assured him.

I wanted to pull him as close as I could and never let go. I wanted to shroud him with love and affection, rid him of the painful memories circling his mind.

"How did you know today's her birthday?" I wondered. I needed to keep him talking, even if he wanted to close off and end the conversation. "When did you find out?"

"When I was about fourteen," he shrugged. "My parents have files on all of us. It has information about our birth families. They compiled it for medical reasons. I got curious one day and read it."

"Right…"

"Her name was Ella," he revealed. His voice was strained. "She came from a good family but for some reason she went off the rails. Maybe she got in with the wrong crowd? Who knows… Her parents kicked her out when she was sixteen and she moved in with her grandparents. She flunked out of school and got arrested a couple times for stealing. She ran away when she turned eighteen and it's believed she started working the streets not long after."

"Do you know when she started taking drugs?"

He shook his head.

"She was admitted to hospital because of an overdose when she was 21," he said. "She was eighteen weeks pregnant at the time."

My heart sank. I slammed my eyes shut.

"I think she was trying to get rid of me," he muttered. "Selfish bitch."

"Maybe there's other reasons she OD'd," I suggested. He yanked his head to the side and frowned. "I'm not sticking up for her or trying to make excuses, but there could be more to her story. Does her file include details about her life and death? More than just the bare facts?"

He slowly shook his head.

"So you're piecing the story together from the little bits you know?"

He didn't react.

"Baby, you remember what Flynn said, right?" I urged. I stood to the side and cupped his face between my hands. "Healing means opening your mind up to alternative narratives."

He rolled his cheek into my left palm and gently kissed it.

"I think I'm letting the fear get to me," he whispered.

"What are you frightened of?"

His throat bobbed and his eyes dropped to his lap.

"All my life I've been preyed on and abused," he explained. "Bastards have trodden all over me, treated me like shit. I wouldn't let anyone get close to me because of it."

"You've let me get close to you."

He lifted his eyes to mine and I instantly understood what he meant.

"You let me in and now you're worried I'll walk away?" I guessed. He nodded. "You're worried I'll abandon you like she did?"

A loud sigh escaped him.

"You don't want to get hurt again," I surmised. "Oh, Christian…"

I pushed my way onto his lap and wrapped my arms around him. His face nestled into the crook of my neck.

"I'm not going to leave you," I promised him. "You know that… I'm not your birth mother."

"I know," he hummed. "But today, those worries have resurfaced. Thinking about her and what she did, it's made me scared again. Scared that I'll lose the peace I've finally found."

"And that's me?"

He nodded again.

"Baby," I shook my head. "You don't need to worry."

"But –"

"Look at how much we've already been through," I interrupted. "I'm still here. I could have walked away but I didn't. I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because I love you."

He released a long breath. His hands crept around my waist, his palms pressing into my sides.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he sighed.

"You do," I countered. "You do know. Those thoughts came into your head and you let them take control, instead of stopping them in their tracks."

"Easier said than done sometimes…"

"I know it is," I nodded. "I know it's not easy. But you know you have to work hard to fight those thoughts as soon as they appear."

He began chewing on the inside of his cheek. I lifted his chin and forced him to look me in the eye.

"It's normal to have blips," I reminded him. "It's all part of the process. It happens. I've had wobbles. You've had to prop me up more times than I can remember. It didn't mean I wasn't coping or that I wasn't getting better."

The muscles in his jaw twitched beneath my fingers.

"I was a complete dick to you, for no reason," he grumbled. "I was pushing you away. I was winding you up."

"I know," I smiled. "I knew what you were doing."

"It doesn't make sense," he shook his head. "I was pushing you away even though I'm terrified of you leaving me!"

I paused for a moment and then shrugged.

"It kinda makes sense," I hummed. "You would rather push someone away than face the pain of them leaving you. You want to be in control."

He narrowed his gaze.

"You should have been a therapist."

"I'm just further along in my recovery," I chuckled. "But that's okay. I haven't experienced as much pain as you have."

"Why are you being so understanding?"

"Because I know you're not actually a dick," I snorted. "I knew the real you was lurking behind that front."

"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you," he muttered.

"You're forgiven."

"I didn't mean any of it," he shook his head. "I know your work is important to you. I know I can't just walk in whenever I want and expect you to drop everything."

"You did have a valid point about me coming to your office," I said. He was about to protest but I cut him off, shaking my head. "I come to see you whenever I want. Sometimes I don't even bother to check if you're free. It's double standards if I complain about you doing the same."

"But I'm the boss where I work."

"It doesn't matter. This has to be a two-way street."

"I like you coming to visit me," he pouted.

"Even so, we need to keep some sort of balance on both sides," I suggested. "When we're at work, we should both be focused on what we're doing. Unless it's an emergency."

He lazily nodded his agreement, accepting my words.

"Christian?"

"Hm?"

"Did you really think I had changed my mind about marrying you?" I asked, lowering my voice to a whisper.

He shook his head. "I shouldn't have questioned you. I let my mouth run away from me."

"I don't want you to think I'm not committed," I mumbled. "Because I am."

"I know you are. I was being an ass."

He gulped hard and he sat staring at me for a second.

"She really fucked me up, didn't she?" he grunted. I nodded. "She was only in my life for four years, most of which I can't remember, but in that time she managed to completely screw me over."

"You have to remember you're not that little kid anymore," I urged him. "He's still inside you and he'll always be there, but you can set him free. You don't need to protect him anymore. You can let him stay in the past and move on with your life. It's okay to move on now."

"I wish I could forget all of it."

"I think everyone feels that way about something," I smiled shyly. "You'll learn to live with this, like you have with what Elena did to you. One day this won't hurt as much, either."

He frowned at me.

"How come you remember this shit and I don't?" he huffed.

"Maybe it's because I actually listen to my therapist?" I winked.

He arched a brow.

I dropped my head onto his shoulder and hugged him hard.

"I'll never understand why you're so patient with me," he breathed in my ear. "I'll never get why you put up with me."

"Ditto…"

"I don't deserve you."

"You can quit talking like that," I shook my head against him. "You're worthy of being loved and understood and supported. You're worthy of happiness. You deserve it all."

He tightened his hold on me.

"Do you want me to call Flynn and see if he can meet with you?"

I felt him nod against me.

"Try not to get too wrapped up in what's happened today," I said. I pulled my head back and smiled at him. "This is a blip. A small bump in the road."

"Thank you," he sighed.

He leaned forward and pecked his lips to mine, his kiss light and soft.

"Will you come with me?" he asked. "Not to sit in, just to be there?"

"Of course," I nodded. "Whatever you need."

"Maybe you can catch up with Rhian?"

"Maybe. It has been a little while since I last saw her."

"You need her less and less these days," he observed.

"I feel stronger than I used to. Less anxious."

"It suits you," he said, finally managing a smile.

Seeing his lips curl upwards brought some relief to my troubled insides.