Hello Lovelies,
I hope you're all doing well and staying safe. It's a scary time right now, so I hope this chapter can bring you all some much needed relief and escapism. Sending big love and hugs to you all.
More coming soon.
Much Love,
Chelsea x
LavendarJade – Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy this one too. Much Love x
B – Thank you so much for your review and feedback! I'm thrilled I have successfully portrayed the long-lasting effects trauma has on survivors. I'm so sorry you've experienced trauma and similar issues – sending you love and well wishes! Much Love x
Iamdbomangmail – Thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter too! Much Love x
SuzB – Thank you! The shoe is definitely on the other foot now, but luckily Ana is there to help him back on his feet. Much Love x
DoloresDeeHowe – Thank you! It is sad he's still suffering with his childhood trauma, but I'm sure he'll get better and learn to live with his anger and upset. He's a tough cookie and with Ana on his side, he's sure to conquer anything. Much Love x
Zee – Thank you! I hope you like this chapter. Much Love x
Paula White – Thank you! Hope you enjoy this chapter too. Much Love x
I drove us to the Flynn house in my TT, shirking security for this particular excursion. Christian was pretty much silent for the entire car ride. I looked over a couple times and found him staring down at his hands in his lap. He picked at the skin around his thumbnails. I would have given anything to take away his distress.
Flynn had agreed to see Christian at home, despite normally conducting their sessions in his office across town. But it was late in the day and being the family-man he is, Flynn had already finished work for the day. He was making an exception for Christian and I was unbelievably grateful for that.
I gave Christian a hug before he followed Flynn down the hall, heading for Rhian's study for some privacy. It was a positive thing, him wanting to talk to Flynn about his troubles. He knew he needed help and he was willing to accept it. This was a huge step.
"He'll be fine," I whispered to myself trying to believe my words.
Hearing a chorus of child's play pouring out of the open doorway to my left, I picked up my feet and moved through to the family room. I grinned as I spotted Rhian sitting on the couch, curled into one corner, while her six-year-old sons rolled around on the carpet.
"Hello stranger," Rhian greeted me, her infectious smile high across her face. Her black hair was piled high into a bun, her porcelain skin glowing underneath a light layer of makeup. "John said Christian was coming over. I wondered if you'd join him."
"I hope you don't mind us intruding?"
"Shut up and come sit," she waved it off, laughing. "The kids are having some playtime before bed. I could use some adult conversation. They're driving me a bit crazy!"
I climbed over the mountain of toys scattered on the floor, manoeuvring carefully around the twins as they wriggled, playing with plastic dinosaurs and dumper trucks. It made my cheeks bunch together, seeing them having fun and chuckling through their game.
Sitting down next to Rhian, I exhaled a heavy, exhausted sigh.
"It's good to see you," Rhian said, nudging me with her hand. "I wish it was under better circumstances, though… How is he doing?"
"Not great," I shook my head. "I think it's just a bad day. He's been doing fine recently. We both have."
"You have?" she checked. She curled tighter into the couch, tucking her legs underneath herself, her arm draped over the cushion on her lap. "I haven't seen you in a little while. How have you been?"
"Good. Really good," I nodded. I smiled. "I haven't had any attacks. No anxiety."
"Glad to hear it," she beamed. "Still practising those grounding techniques?"
"Every day," I announced proudly. "Don't worry, I'm still working hard on it. Every day I make time to check in with myself."
"That's a very positive thing to do," she agreed. "Mindfulness does help, especially with anxiety. It's important to reset the brain sometimes."
"I was doing my breathing techniques earlier, at work," I revealed. I pursed my lips and shrugged. "I've had a bit of a tough day."
"With what?"
"Well, Christian had a meltdown," I said. "And then there's some issues at work."
Deciding to park the talk about Christian, Rhian honed in on me. As always, she was keen to focus on me and my problems. I'll always be her patient first.
"What's up with work?"
"The owner died and now his wife is selling the company," I explained. "If we don't get a buyer, there will be redundancies."
"Oh dear," she frowned, shaking her head. "And you're worried for your job?"
I nodded. "No one's safe. I get the impression they'll take no prisoners."
"That must be stressful for you, not knowing what will happen," she hummed. "The uncertainty."
"Doesn't help I overheard one of my co-workers making comments about me," I grumbled. "She insinuated I only got the job because of Christian, so I must therefore be untouchable."
"That reeks of jealously to me."
"Regardless, it made me feel like trash," I said, conscious of my language in front of the boys. In truth, it made me feel like a steaming pile of shit. "I don't want anyone thinking I'm using Christian's name or influence like that."
Rhian stared at me, fixing me with her pin-point navy blue eyes.
"Do you genuinely care what that woman thinks of you?" she asked. "Is she important to you or your job?"
I slowly shook my head.
"Ana," she sang my name and I braced myself for one of her pep talks. "Is it that you don't want anyone to think badly of you, or is it because you worry about people thinking you're some sort of a gold-digger?"
"Both?" I mumbled. I sighed again. "I'm a natural people pleaser, you know I am. I want to be liked, but I don't crave attention… I don't fully understand it myself at times."
"In what way?"
"I couldn't care less what the press has to say about me, but yet I take my colleagues' opinions of me seriously."
"And you can't make sense of that?" she asked. I shook my head. "It does to me. The press is always at a distance, you can choose whether or not to read what they have to say about you. But it's harder to hide from co-workers. It hits closer to home because they are people you have to be around constantly."
"I guess…"
"It always stings when you hear bad things about yourself, but it's how you respond to it that matters," she continued. "You either let it get you down or you brush it off and carry on with your life. There comes a time when you have to accept there will always be at least one person who doesn't like you. Sometimes there is no actual reason why, just that they didn't like the look of your face or the way you walk or the perfume you wear. It doesn't mean anything about you. It's all about them."
I knew she was right. Rhian's always bloody right.
"Do you see this woman outside of work?"
"No," I shook my head.
"Did you consider her a friend before today?"
"No, but she had been nice to me. The 180 in her attitude towards me is what has caught me off guard."
Rhian arched her brow. "I doubt her attitude has changed. It's more likely that her true thoughts have finally come out. I don't normally judge people from what others have said, but she sounds like a snake in the grass to me. You should be wary of her and what she's up to."
I stored her comments away. I trusted her judgment, despite her having never met the two-faced Maria.
"Don't let it get you down," Rhian urged me. "People are going to question you. It's what happens, especially in offices. And especially when your significant other is in the public eye."
"Thanks," I smiled. "I always feel better when I come see you."
"Just doing my job," she winked.
"So, how are you doing?"
"I'm good," she nodded. She glanced down and her smile began to stretch further across her face. "Well, better than good. There's something I've been meaning to tell you –"
"Ana!"
Rhian was cut off by the ear-piercing squeak of her daughter. Harriet was bouncing on the spot in the doorway, her features bright and beaming.
She sprung forward and ran to me, thrusting her beloved stuffed cat onto my lap before she followed it, climbing on top of me. She nestled into my front, her arms and legs wrapping around my sides.
"You're here! You're here!"
"I am," I laughed, hugging her tight. I rubbed her back, moving her dampened hair to the side. She was dressed in neon green pyjamas and smelled of watermelons. "Are you ready for bed after your bath?"
"Yeah," she nodded against me, refusing to lift her head while she crushed me with all her might. "What are you doing here?"
"Christian needed to talk to your dad, so I came with him."
Hearing his name, she yanked her head back, her eyes wide with hope and excitement.
"Uncle Christian's here?"
"He is," I confirmed. "But he's busy with your dad. We shouldn't disturb them."
"Oh," she mouthed, sagging against me.
"I'm sure you'll get chance to see him before you go to bed," I muttered, tucking her dark hair back behind her ears. "I know he'd love to see you. And Kitty."
That seemed to do the trick and she returned her focus to her cat. She pulled it up to her chest and rocked it from side to side.
"I'm practicing," she proclaimed.
"Practicing for what?"
"For when baby arrives," she replied, still staring at her cat.
"Do you mean you're getting a baby doll?" I checked.
She shook her head and glanced up, looking straight over to Rhian. She pointed at her.
"Noooo… The baby is in Mummy's belly, but it's coming out soon."
I frowned hard and snapped my head towards Rhian, seeking clarification.
"It's true," she nodded, releasing a delighted chuckle.
"What?" I gasped, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "Are you serious? You're pregnant?"
"I hope so," she laughed. She moved the cushion covering her lap and shifted to the side, pulling her t-shirt taut to show off her bump. Her small, slightly rounded bump. "Otherwise it just means I'm getting fat."
My frown returned, deeper now.
"How far along are you?"
"Seven months."
"No way!" I squawked, shaking my head. "There's no way you're seven months! You don't even look pregnant. Not really."
She rubbed a hand over her stomach and smirked.
"I know, it threw me and John off too," she nodded. "I'm carrying all back this time around. It's like the baby's hiding from us… on the plus side, I haven't need to buy any proper maternity clothes yet."
"Is that okay? Having a small bump?" I worried. "Is the baby okay?"
"They're perfectly fine," she confirmed. "I've been poked and prodded like there's no tomorrow, and every test and scan has come back normal. This baby is laying further back, that's all. Harriet did the same until I was six months along, then I got huge. Bigger than I did when I was pregnant with the twins."
"So, you might get bigger?"
"I'm sure I'll pop eventually," she nodded. "Probably once baby's turned around and got into position. They're too busy standing up right now, kicking the crap out of my bladder."
"Mummy has to wee all the time," Harriet laughed to herself.
I stared in awe at Rhian's bump, drawn to it now I knew it was there.
"I can't believe it," I whispered, grinning wildly. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"
"Your recovery was more important than my pregnancy," she shrugged, waving it off without concern. "I wanted you to know I was there for you, no matter what. I didn't want you to start worrying that I'd disappear mid-way through your therapy plan."
I was touched by her selflessness.
"Rhian –"
"And you shouldn't worry now, either," she continued. "Having another monster to look after isn't going to change anything. I'll still be here, just with a little person hanging off me!"
If I wasn't holding Harriet in that moment, I would have hopped along the couch and enveloped her in a huge embrace.
"Congratulations! I'm so happy for you," I said, stretching out my hand for hers. "Was this planned?"
"No. God no," she snorted. "No, definitely didn't plan this. We thought we were done on the baby front."
"Must have been a shock then?"
"A fairly huge one," she nodded. "They might not be planned, but they are very much wanted."
Rhian's attention shifted to Harriet.
"I've got all the kids in training," she revealed. "They're all old enough to help out when the baby comes. Even if it's just to bring me nappies or bottles."
"It's working," I laughed, hugging Harriet as she swayed her pretend kitten-baby from side to side. "Are you excited for the new baby?"
"Yeah," Harriet hummed. "I want it to be a boy."
"You want a baby brother?" I asked. "You don't want a sister?"
"Nooo," she shook her head. "I like being the only girl. It makes me special. I like being special."
My heart was melting.
"You'll always be special to us, honey," Rhian soothed her. "You'll always be my little girl, right?"
Harriet smiled and gently nodded. She leaned back and flopped down against my chest again.
"Ana?" she whispered.
"Yes?"
"Can I be the only girl in your wedding?"
I couldn't help but grin at her question.
Rhian simply rolled her eyes.
"I can't promise that, sweetie," I said. She immediately pouted. "You see, Taylor has a daughter and I'm sure she'll want to get involved… however, you could be one of our flower girls. Would you like that?"
Her lips softened.
"A flower girl?"
"Yes," I nodded. "You'll get to walk down the aisle and wear a very pretty dress."
"With glitter?"
I could almost hear Christian screaming 'no' in response.
"Whatever you want," I smirked. "You can pick out whatever dress you like."
She showed off her toothy smile again and jumped up and down on my thighs.
"Thank you!"
"You're welcome."
I pulled her into my arms and pecked a kiss to the top of her head.
"When is it?"
"When is what?"
"Your wedding?" she prompted, peeking up at me. "When is your wedding?"
I pressed my lips together.
"We're still working on a date," I said. "I'll tell you as soon as we've decided."
"Make it soon," she ordered. "Or I'll be too big for my dress."
"Harriet –" Rhian sighed, shaking her head. "You haven't even got a dress yet. Now stop pestering and go pick out a book. If you ask nicely, Ana might read you a story."
Begrudgingly, she slipped off my lap and shuffled out of the room, dragging her cat along the floor beside her.
I hope she doesn't do that with the baby!
Rhian eased forward and dropped her voice.
"Is everything okay on the wedding front?" she asked, as intuitive as ever. "I noticed your hesitation. What's up?"
"Christian wants to set a date ASAP," I revealed, rolling my eyes. "It's caused a stink between us today."
"You don't want to set a date?"
"It's not that," I shook my head.
"What then?"
"He wants to get married as soon as," I explained. "He wants to rush everything and get it done and dusted. I don't. I want time to actually plan our big day."
"That's reasonable," she agreed.
"I don't see how we can plan a real wedding in just a few weeks," I said. "He's thinking about the start of next month, for crying out loud."
"He's certainly eager," she hummed. "Have you spoken to him about your reasons why you want to hold off?"
I shook my head. "When I said I didn't see the need to rush everything, he accused me of not wanting to get married to him."
"He did?" she frowned. I nodded. "Did he mean it or was he acting out?"
"The latter," I replied. "He said he didn't mean it, that he was letting his doubts get the better of him. And I believe him, it's just… I'm worried that if I tell him why I want to wait, he'll get annoyed again."
"You know you need to talk to him," she urged. "Realistically, how long are you thinking you'll need to plan it?"
"I don't know, not long," I shrugged. "I don't want a long engagement. I would marry him tomorrow if I could click my fingers and have everything sorted. But I can't do that."
"Weddings are inherently stressful."
"Exactly," I nodded. "The last thing I want is for the build up to the wedding to be any more stressful than it needs to be. I don't want to get to the day itself and be worn out."
"Tell him that," Rhian said. "Tell him everything you just told me. It makes sense Ana."
"I –"
"Christian isn't completely unreasonable," she muttered, adding in a wink as I shot her a glance. "He will understand. You just need to talk to him."
"I will," I nodded slowly. "I need him to feel better first, though."
"John will sort him out," she smiled. "He'll work his magic, don't worry."
Christian was with Flynn for over an hour, emerging from the study seeming more relaxed than he had been when he entered. I could still see and feel tension in his body, but he didn't look pained anymore.
Arriving back home, I guided him straight into the bedroom and left him sitting on the bed while I headed through to the bathroom. I leaned across the side of the tub and opened up the hot water faucet.
Bath time was our talking time. The warmth of the water, the dimmed lights, the intimacy of skin on skin, it helped create the ultimate safe place for us to speak freely with one another.
It was also the place where I could look after him, help him wash away the day's stresses and unwind before bed.
After the day we've both had, we certainly need a good night's sleep.
I called him into the bathroom as I slipped down into the water, pushing myself as far back as I could. He undressed and stepped in, lowering and sitting down in front of me. He reclined into me, his back against my chest. I immediately wrapped my arms around him.
"How are you feeling now?" I asked quietly, working my hands over his chest, smoothing the water and bubbles into his skin.
"Much better," he released on a long exhale. "Thank you for taking me to see Flynn."
"Any time, baby," I smiled. I nuzzled my face into his neck, kissing him lightly. "Any time."
"Flynn helped me understand what I was feeling," he said. "Understand why I was feeling so angry. Angrier than I have felt in a while… It's hard, when you can't get a grip on what's happening inside your own head."
"I know," I nodded. I had been there. I knew exactly how scary it can be. "Are you going to work on it with Flynn? This stuff about your birth mother?"
"He says it'd be useful to start digging into it again," he nodded. He cleared his throat. "I found it difficult talking about her again. I haven't spoken about her for months. Haven't even thought about her… It's hard to believe I used to think about her every single day. I could never get her out of my head."
"Is that what scared you the most, suddenly having her in your thoughts again?"
"Yes," he whispered. His head dipped forward slightly. "I was losing control. That's what scared me. Flynn said I need to work harder on spotting those thoughts as soon as they appear. Work on that behavioural cycle shit again. He's concerned that anxiety is starting to creep back in."
I had discussed behavioural cycles with Rhian during our early sessions together.
Everyone, regardless of whether they suffer from anxiety or not, has a cycle that consists of thoughts, physical feelings and actions. Each segment works together, in a constant loop, one triggering the other to create a chain. It varies from person to person, the order in which they kick in. For me, I always felt the physical symptoms of anxiety first – the difficulty in breathing, my throat closing up, sweat trickling down my spine – and it was quickly followed by thoughts of danger and fear. Once the thoughts arrived, I ran. I ran from my problems, from the situation that frightened me.
It's crucial for Christian to understand what his cycle looks like. If he can spot the early signs, he can intervene and stop himself from spiralling in future. He can stop and take a breath, think and then react logically. Calmly.
"You know I think CBT is bullshit," he huffed. "It's psycho-babble to me."
"It really helped me recover," I remined him. "It doesn't work for everyone but –"
"I need to give it a try," he interjected, knowing what I was going to say. "It's all connected. The PTSD, anxiety… I have to tackle all aspects of it in order to get better."
"You have to trust Flynn to help you," I said. I rested my chin on his shoulder. "He's the best person for the job."
"Besides you…"
He dropped further down into the water until the back of his head was nestled between my breasts. He plucked my hands from his chest and linked our fingers.
"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you today," he murmured.
"You've already apologised."
"I know, but I need to say it again," he shook his head. "It was uncalled for."
"It's forgotten. Done and dusted, in the past. You're forgiven."
He gently kissed each of my knuckles, spreading further apologies across my hands.
"Did you know Rhian's pregnant?" I asked, steering the conversation along.
"What?" he jerked his head to the side and stared up at me, his brows furrowed. "Seriously?"
"Very," I nodded. "She's seven months pregnant."
"Fuck off!" he gasped, his eyes widening. I laughed at his reaction. "Jesus Christ, how did they keep that quiet?"
"Her bump is small," I shrugged. "She told me she didn't want to say anything until I was doing better."
"Always putting others first. Typical Rhian," Christian snorted. He paused for a moment, disappearing into his thoughts. "Four children… Wow."
He retreated further into himself, his eyes glazing over.
I watched him and then inhaled a deep breath.
"Can we talk about the wedding?" I whispered. His eyes lifted to mine. "Without arguing this time?"
He nodded and sat up, splashing water against the sides of the tub as he twisted to face me.
"Are you annoyed that we haven't set a date yet?" I checked. "I need to know."
He hesitated.
"I'm not annoyed," he shook his head. "Just mildly frustrated."
"Why?"
"Because I'm impatient," he shrugged. "You know I am. I've always lived my life in the fast lane. Especially where we're concerned."
I had to agree with him on that last point. Every step of our relationship has moved at lightning speed.
Damn it, we moved in together without even talking about it first! It just happened.
"But isn't there a part of you that wants to sit back and relish in this time? Enjoy being engaged?" I wondered.
"No," he shook his head. "Because I want to be married. I don't want to wait months or years for it to happen."
"Neither do I," I explained.
He frowned. "You don't?"
"No," I shook my head. "I don't want to wait years. I only want a bit of time."
"Why?"
"I don't want to end up regretting anything," I said. "I don't want to look back in five or ten years and wish we had done things differently."
"Are you talking about the wedding itself?" he checked.
"Yes… Just the wedding. The planning of it," I clarified. "The flowers, colour scheme, venue, my dress… I hate the idea of getting any part of it wrong."
"I think I understand," he hummed. "You want time to plan?"
"Exactly," I breathed. "That's all. I don't want to rush around trying to pull this together last minute."
He nodded slowly, his lips forming an O. I could the realisation washing over him.
"I'm not getting cold feet about marrying you," I said. "I want to get it right. I want our wedding to be perfect and exactly right for us."
"I hadn't thought about that," he admitted. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," I shook my head. "I should have made myself clearer… I hope this doesn't come as a surprise to you, but I only plan on getting married once. It makes sense to get it right."
He managed a warm smile and nodded. I reached out and waited for him to place his hands in mine.
"I panicked and assumed the worst," he huffed.
"I didn't help settle your doubts though. But I want to now," I said. "I want to set a date."
"Really?" he arched his brow. "You don't have to say that, not to appease me."
"No, I mean it," I assured him. "We should set a date."
"As long as it's not next week?" he quipped.
"Exactly," I laughed. "What's your time frame?"
"Honestly?"
I nodded.
"I'd like to be married by the end of the year," he revealed in a low voice. I resisted the urge to react. I needed him to explain his choice. "I want us to end the year on a high, after all the shit we've been through."
"You want to be married within the same year of us meeting each other?"
He nodded. "It feels right, somehow."
"It certainly fits in with our habit of moving fast," I chuckled under my breath.
"Too fast for you?" he wondered, shyly asking the question.
I paused and thought it through for a moment.
Tried to see if there was a way to compromise.
It's mid-September now…
"By the end of the year?" I checked. He nodded once. "Okay, what about December 31st?"
"New Year's Eve?" he repeated the date back to me. His eyes lit up, his smile reaching them for the first time all day. "You're serious? You want us to get married on New Year's Eve?"
"I'm game if you are," I smirked. "It meets your time frame and should give us enough time to plan everything properly."
He launched himself on me, yanking me into his chest.
"I would love to marry you then," he breathed, pecking his lips to mine.
"It's a date then," I giggled.
He exhaled a long, relieved sigh, pressing his forehead to mine.
"My god…" he muttered. "New Year's Eve… That date."
"What about it?"
"It's the date I was found," he explained. My jaw dropped. "I was found on December 31st, four days after my mother killed herself."
"Wow," I breathed. I shook my head. "Christian, if you want to pick a different –"
"No," he grunted. He kissed me again. "It's perfect. That date has always marked the start of something new for me. Something better, safer, happier."
"Baby…"
I cupped the back of his neck and held him still as I smothered him with my kisses.
"Today's been a real kicker, huh?" he huffed.
"A little."
"How was work?" he asked. "Outside of me barging in and causing an argument?"
I gulped and licked my lips.
"Same old shit," I shrugged. I closed my eyes. "I'm just glad to be home."
Now wasn't the right time to open up about SIP.
He doesn't need to be weighed down with that, not yet.
He's finally happy. I want to keep it that way. He deserves this moment.
