Hello Lovelies,
I hope you're all safe and well. Happy Easter to all who are celebrating it this weekend!
I'm not currently receiving any emails from FF at the moment, so I'm not seeing reviews or PMs unless I come online to check. I have responded to as many people as possible. If I haven't replied, please know that I will read your messages and that I do appreciate your comments and continued support!
Much Love,
Chelsea xx
Paula White – Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I hope you enjoy this chapter too. Much Love x
DoloresDeeHowe – Thank you! I hope you and your family are staying safe too! Much Love x
SuzB – Thank you! I loved seeing Cal too. We'll definitely see him again at the wedding! Much Love x
It was early afternoon on Saturday and the sun was blasting warm rays down onto me, only a whisper of wind circling through the air. I swung my legs back and forth over the edge of the deck, my bare feet skimming the newly cut grass.
Ray's backyard offered an impressive view of the Sound, the water visible between the trees that lined the fence opposite. I smiled as I surveyed the landscape. I loved that he had moved closer to me. He had given up his beloved Portland to be with me, and I was eternally grateful that he had made that sacrifice.
A girl always needs her daddy, after all.
I decided to come visit Ray this afternoon, in the mood for a catch up with the other important man in my life. Christian was across the way in Bellevue, spending quality time with his family. We had agreed it was important for the both of us to have time alone with our respective families. Time to reaffirm those bonds.
"One ice-cold lemonade for my little lady –"
I turned back towards the house as Ray emerged from the doorway, carrying a tall glass in each hand. He offered one to me.
"Thanks," I grinned. I took a sip and sighed. The taste took me back to my childhood and summer days spent playing in the grass. "The yard's looking good."
He slumped down beside me and nodded, casting his eye around the garden. It was significantly bigger than the one he had left behind in Portland, and I could already tell he had grand ideas of what to do with the space.
"I'm going to dig in a vegetable patch down there," he said, pointing to the bottom left corner of the yard. "Put a barbecue on the other side, some seats... I know you must think I'm a crazy old man, wanting to get the yard sorted before I start on the house."
"You're not crazy," I dismissed his comment. "You spent most of your time outside anyway. It makes perfect sense."
He tilted his head to the side and arched his heavy brow.
"I notice you didn't say anything about me being old," he quipped.
"You don't look a day over forty," I winked. "Dad?"
"Yes, baby girl?"
"I'm so glad you're here."
He grinned back at me.
The cottage was exactly the kind of place I would imagine Ray living. Modestly sized but airy on both floors, plenty of room for guests to come over and chill out. The first floor was home to a large family room with adjoining study, an L-shaped kitchen-diner, and a half bath. Upstairs compromised of two bedrooms, complete with ensuites and ample closet space, and a master bathroom.
The house had been way out of Ray's budget, mainly thanks to the backyard, incredible views, and the two-car garage. Christian had jumped in and covered the rest of the money, though my father was completely unaware of this. He was a proud man and wouldn't readily accept help from anyone, so Christian assured him he was able to haggle a lower price.
"How is the wedding planning going?" Ray asked, bumping me with his shoulder. "Started figuring things out yet?"
"We've started," I smiled. "Kate is going to help us. She said we need to sort out a venue first. Get that secured before we do anything else."
"Any ideas of where you'd like to have it?"
"No, but Christian and I have decided we want somewhere private," I said. "We don't want a church wedding, and nothing over-the-top either. We want something quite simple."
"Simple?" Ray jerked his head back, frowning. "Christian wants a simple wedding? I'd never have had him down as the type!"
"Okay, simple probably isn't the right word," I chuckled. "What I mean is, we don't want a huge fuss. We want it to be a relaxed day. Fairly low-key in terms of guests and formalities."
"You don't want the big white wedding?"
"I hate being the centre of attention," I shuddered. Even the idea of it made me queasy. "I hate it when people sing happy birthday to me, there's no way I could handle too many eyes on me when I'm walking down the aisle. I'd throw up."
His mouth twitched into a knowing smile, a hint of a smirk trickling over his face.
"Speaking of walking down the aisle," I said, clearing my throat. I twisted my shoulders to him, facing him squarely. "Will you walk me down the aisle?"
He was still for a moment, just staring at me. I saw his eyes start to change shape, becoming rounder as they welled up.
"I would be honoured," he choked, gulping hard. He held out his hand and waited for me to put mine in his. He squeezed my fingers. "It would mean the world to me."
I edged closer and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. The smell of his favourite aftershave filled my nose, the musky familiarity of it as warm as our embrace.
"I'm so proud of you," he muttered into my ear. "You have turned into a remarkable young woman."
"It's all thanks to you, Dad."
"I can't take all the credit," he shook his head. My stomach clenched, knowing where this was headed. "I wasn't responsible for bringing you into the world."
I lifted my head and looked back at him. His face fell, appearing troubled.
"Don't you think you should tell her?" he asked. He quickly held up his hands in surrender. "I know it's not my place and I should probably keep my nose out of your business, but Carla is your mother. Nothing can change that. She'll always be your mother."
"She hasn't always acted like one," I retorted. I shook my head and dropped my eyes to my lap. "I have been thinking about her, though."
"You have?"
"Christian's brother mentioned her over dinner last night," I nodded. "Now I can't get her out of my head. I keep thinking about everything that's happened."
Our argument was explosive.
She got annoyed when I said I wouldn't be attending her wedding to Bob, the latest in her string of husbands. She was unable to understand that I couldn't drop everything to be there. I was in the middle of my finals, for crying out loud.
She said her wedding was important, that I was just being a brat.
I called her selfish and an idiot if she believed a glorified party was more important than her daughter's future.
She said she hated me. That I was too much like my father.
I told her to go fuck herself and hung up the phone.
In retaliation, she refused to come to my graduation.
"It really hurt me," I admitted. "But now I'm wondering if I should suck it up and contact her. She hates being the one to make the first move."
"She does," he nodded. "You have every right to be mad at her, though. The way she behaved was uncalled for."
"It didn't end there," I huffed. "She didn't call or text when I sent her a card for her birthday."
"She didn't?"
I shook my head.
"She didn't contact me for my birthday either," I revealed to him. His eyes widened. "I haven't heard from her at all since our fight. Literally nothing."
"I'm shocked by that," he frowned. He shook his head, disappointed. "I wonder if something is wrong with her. Maybe she's going through a hard time?"
"Maybe she doesn't care?" I muttered.
"Do you really believe that?"
I shrugged.
"Dad, I don't know at this point," I sighed. "She never acted like a real mom, did she? She wasn't affectionate. She never really cared about what I did at school or who I was friends with. She was more interested in her own friends and the next guy she could flirt with."
Ray's head bowed as I said that last comment. I could tell it still hurt him, my mother's incessant cheating.
"I just think some women aren't destined to be mothers," I added. "Christian's birth mother wasn't up to the task. Kate's mom treated her like crap… It happens."
"It does," he nodded, slowly. "And I don't know if it's possible for you and Carla to kiss and make up, but I think you should tell her you're getting married. This is a huge milestone in your life. I think she would want to know."
I licked my lips and stared Ray in the eye.
"What if it goes wrong again?" I asked. "What if she doesn't care and she slams the door in my face? What do I do then?"
"At least you'll rest easy knowing you tried," he replied. "You won't be plagued by those what ifs. You'll be able to close that chapter once and for all."
I should have known all those months of telling Christian he needs to make peace with his past would come back to bite me on the ass…
Now it was my turn.
I was propped against the headboard, my knees to my chest. It was still relatively early in the night, but I had crawled into bed soon after coming home from Ray's.
My iPhone was in my hands, my eyes reading back over the message I had spent more than thirty minutes writing and rewriting.
Hi Mom. How are you? Long time no speak –
Ugh.
I couldn't bring myself to finish the message.
What do I even say?
Do I play it cool and be friendly, or do I keep it short and to the point?
Do I bother sending it at all?
In the corner of my eye I saw Christian emerge from the bathroom, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. I caught a whiff of our bodywash as he passed the bed.
"You should have joined me in there," he breathed heavily, using another towel to ruffle his wet hair.
"I showered when I got home," I replied, shaking my head. "Sorry."
"How was your day?"
"Good," I hummed, my focus still on my phone. "It was good. Yours?"
"It was great, actually," he said. "I had some beers with Carrick and Elliot."
"Sounds fun…"
"Did you have dinner with Ray?"
I nodded once.
"What did you have?"
"Steak," I muttered. "You?"
"Grace made dinner for all of us," he answered. He crept up onto the bed and kneeled in front of me. "You would have liked it."
"Hm?"
"Yeah, we had Labrador puppies stewed in tomato sauce. A nice side salad of elephant toenails and hair from a barber's floor."
"Yummy…"
Christian's laugh pierced through the room, the sound of it jerking my head up. I frowned at him, confused.
"What?" I shook my head. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because you're not listening to me," he continued to chuckle. "What's got you so distracted tonight?"
He leaned forward and peered over the top of my phone. I turned the screen to him, offering it over.
He read the unfinished message.
"Right," he nodded, his expression hardening. "You're going to contact her?"
"I don't know," I huffed, throwing myself into the headboard. "I don't know what to do."
"Did you talk to Ray about this?"
"He thinks I should offer her an olive branch."
"Okay."
"What do you think I should do?" I blurted
"Ana," he sighed. He narrowed his eyes. "You know I can't tell you –"
"I'm asking what you would do in my shoes," I interrupted. "If you could talk to your birth mother after everything, would you want to?"
He rocked back on his heels, his shoulders sagging.
"Sorry," I shook my head. I held up my hand. "I'm sorry… Ignore me. I know it's not the same –"
"I think I would," he answered in a low voice.
My brows furrowed.
I wasn't expecting him to actually answer.
"There's a lot I would ask her," he nodded again. "There are things I want to know. Things I want to tell her."
He snorted under his breath.
"There would be a lot of cursing and name-calling," he added. "But I would take the opportunity if I had it."
"Really? You would?"
"Yes."
I hesitated.
"Do you think it would help you come to terms with stuff?"
"Probably," he shrugged. "Not right away, but later down the line. It would fuck me up a bit more first, I mean I'd literally have to talk to the dead!"
I smiled at his joke.
His hand smoothed up the length of my right shin.
"What is your gut telling you to do?" he asked.
"That I should reach out first and be the bigger person," I said.
"And your heart?"
I pursed my lips.
My heart was saying something else entirely.
"Baby, what are you worried about?"
"Having another setback," I admitted in a whisper. "I'm in such a good place right now."
"You are. You're stronger than you have ever been," he nodded. He rapped his fingertips on my knee. "Which also means you're in a much better place to handle this kind of stuff. Don't you think?"
I shrugged.
"I don't know if I want to reopen a wound that's already healed."
"But it hasn't healed," he shook his head, dismissing the suggestion. "You just closed the door on her. You slammed it shut and haven't opened it again. That's not healing."
I frowned at him.
"Did you talk to Flynn again today?"
"I may have," he smirked. "He says hi, by the way… Ana, you know I fucking hate this word, but you need closure. Maybe now is the right time to find it."
I inhaled a deep, shaky breath.
"Only you know what's right for you," he said. He pushed forward and brought his mouth to mine, kissing me lightly. "But don't think you'll have to face this alone. I will support you no matter what."
"Christian…"
"I'll always be here," he breathed. "You don't need to be scared about opening that door, because I'll help you walk through it. I'll catch you if you fall, baby. I support you, you support me. We hold each other up. That's how this works, right?"
"Right," I nodded, kissing him back.
The alarm clock was taunting me. Blinking the numbers 02:46 back at me, time rolling forward slowly, mockingly.
I flopped onto my back with a huff and stared up at the ceiling.
My mind was racing, torturing me into making a decision.
Christian was blissfully unaware of my turmoil, sleeping soundly beside me. He was curled up close, his head resting next to mine, his arm draped over my waist.
"Fine," I grunted into the darkness.
I reached over to my bedside counter and slipped my phone off the top. I quickly adjusted the screen's brightness, setting it as low as possible.
The text was right there waiting for me.
I deleted all of it and rewrote it on a whim, hitting send before I could chicken out again.
It was now or never.
Hi Mom. Can we talk? I think it's time we did the grown-up thing and discussed what happened. It's been long enough now. Let me know if you want to chat. I'll be waiting. Ana.
Good or bad, I need to know.
I need closure.
Christian shuffled closer, his hips pressing into my side. I peeked across to him, checking his eyes were still tightly closed.
He exhaled a deep sigh.
"I can face anything as long as I have you with me, can't I?" I muttered to him.
He lay still, fast asleep.
"You won't like her," I added. "You'll think she's stuck-up… I don't know if she'll like you, either."
He grunted, nuzzling his head into my shoulder.
"She'll probably think you're too good for me," I sighed. "But let's face it, we've already tackled the devil incarnate, haven't we? My mother will be a piece of cake compared that evil bitch."
I pecked a kiss into his hair and nestled down into my pillow.
I closed my eyes and allowed sleep to finally wash over me, enveloping me into a dreamless slumber.
