His lack of response tells me more than his words ever could

"You don't know, do you?" I bite my bottom lip to hold back the tears

"I can't Christian...I can't be a part of this, I will never be a submissive, never let you hit me, never let you hurt me, it's too much like..." I stop myself, trying to control my shaking hands

"Too much like what?" Christians eyes search my face as I look anywhere but at him

"You're not the only one with secrets" I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tightly

"remember when I told you my mom died in a car accident when I was 7" he nods

"when my mom broke up with Ray I was only 6, I don't remember much about that time only that I didn't want to leave ray and will, but my mom fell in love" my laugh is empty "she'd only been seeing this guy two months when we moved from Portland to Seattle, it's only a couple of hours from ray but It felt like a lifetime, when we moved in with her new boyfriend" I take a deep breath "Rick...he was nice at first, until a few weeks after my 7th birthday, my mom went out with some friends, then Rays brother, Mike, dropped her home, she was drunk and Rick didn't like that, he was convinced she was cheating on him..." Christian pulls me onto his lap and I go, wrapping myself around him

"I heard her screaming from my bedroom" I whisper "I ran downstairs and... And" I sob into his shirt as he wraps his arms around me

"Shh baby it's ok" he rubs my back in circles and I take a deep breath" he was beating her with his belt, then he ripped her dress off and pushed her to the floor" I Bury my face in my hands "I couldn't help her" I feel Christians lips on my temple and squeeze his hand

"A few months after that, on the night of the accident, he got home late from work, drunk, which had become our new normal, he told my mom we were going on a trip, to a place where no one could come between us, where we could be together... Forever" his breath catches

"He was going to kill you?" he asks horrified, I nod weakly "I can remember them fighting, when we were in the car, Rick had the window rolled down and I remember the smell of cigarettes and my mom's perfume…then everything went dark. I don't really remember much after that except waking up in Seattle general and Ray crying as he told me mom was gone to heaven. when I got older and asked him more questions about that night he told me Rick had been fired from his job and was about to lose the house" I hiccup wiping my sleeve under my nose "They found a gun in the car" I wipe my eyes when the tears finally stop "or what was left of the car, from what ray knows of the incident, rick lost control and we hit a truck.." I sniffle "he and my mom were killed on impact and I was in a coma for three weeks, I had my leg broken in two places, a shattered collar bone and severe swelling in my brain, the doctors weren't sure I was going to make it"

"Ana I am so sorry" I shake my head "It's ok, it was a long time, it's just when I think of that time and how he used to control everything she did, how she would dress, what she would eat, then hit her if she didn't comply, it's not something I'm ever going to let happen and I just wish, I wish I would have done something to help her"

"Ana you were 7, there was nothing you could do" I bury my face in his neck shaking my head and mumble "you don't know that"

"I do actually, you know how?" I shake my head "my mother was a crack whore" I cringe at his bluntness and use of words "when I was four she died of an overdose, I remember knowing something was wrong but not being old enough to know what to do. Our house was always so cold, so when i couldn't wake her I grabbed my favorite blanket and covered her, even before she died I used to watch her pimp beat the shit out of her every night then use me as an ashtray and when she did die he left me with her for days until the cops finally found us, looking back on that time I used to think maybe if I had done something she'd still be alive but what could I have done.."

"Nothing" I answer quietly stroking his cheek "I'm so sorry that happened to you" he shrugs like it's no big deal but the look in his eyes tells me otherwise

"we're quiet the pair aren't we" he huffs a laugh, pressing his lips to my cheek

"well I think that's enough talking for one night" I squeak when he stands with me in his arms and moves towards the bedroom

"you want me to stay?" I ask quietly playing with my fingers

"Anastasia.." I meet his eyes "I couldn't let you go even if I wanted to" he whispers then drops his head softly pecking my lips, I lay against him like a weight has been lifted and close my eyes this has been a long night

When we reach the bedroom Christian walks into the bathroom and places me on the side of the tub

"what are you.." he shushes me and turns on the tap, running a face towel beneath the water, he tilts my chin up and softly runs the towel over my face, after a few swipes he smiles seemingly happy with his work then sweeps his thumb over my cheek "there's my girl" he throws the towel in the bath and holds out his hand

"let's go to bed" lacing our fingers he leads me into the bedroom

Stripping out of my clothes, I pull my phone from my back pocket and set my alarm for the morning, I pause, momentarily distracted when Christian pulls his t-shirt over his head and holds it out

"if you want it.." he offers and I nod with a smile "thanks"

Pulling the t-shirt over my head I climb under the covers and sink into the pillow this really isn't how I saw this night going I wiggle my toes as Christian turns off the light and climbs in beside me, pulling the blanket over us

"No" he says into the darkness and I frown

"No?" I question

"I don't need it" he turns on his side facing me, as I do the same

"I don't need that life anymore, I don't need a submissive and I don't want you to feel scared or like you can't talk to me, I've never done this before so I'm not quite sure what I'm doing but I want to figure it out" he pulls my hand to his chest and I feel the tears coming, I curl into his side and place a kiss on his chest "I'm sorry I sent you away" his arm wraps around me and I snuggle deeper into his side

"I'm still mad about that, but It's ok" I splay my fingers over his chest and feel his heartbeat "we're going to be ok" I whisper praying the words to be true.