Hey everyone! I'm back with another chapter! Thanks for reading and enjoy the story! BTW some dates in the story have been shuffled to work better with the story so the War of the Fortnight Festivities have not started yet.
That night was the first since the incident where I did not have heavy drugs pumping through my veins. I was not in the endless darkness. I was not thoughtless. There was no rest. I was trapped in a memory, one that had been so hazy a few days ago but was now so clear now that I had taken some time to recover.
I remembered now what happened before the accident. I had already remembered the time before the party, going out to the island with Noah, Rosie, and Megan, but before that horrible memory came to me in my dreams I could not recall the full altercation in the woods. I could say what happened during the assault, and now I could say what happened before the assault.
It was enough to make my skin crawl. It made me wary of every man or boy I would interact with throughout the day after that dream. I couldn't think about Alexei or Noah without wondering if they were like that too. I couldn't even look at Jamie. I started to wonder if all the things Spence had said to me in the woods were true. If Spence was right, Jamie... I could never imagine Jamie being like that but now Spence was poisoning my mind. Even from beyond the grave I was letting him get to me.
"Grace," Jamie poked his head into my room on the second morning after the dreams started. He seemed worried, especially since I had not left the room at all the prior day, only opened the door long enough for Ms. Chancellor to give me a tray of food that I couldn't touch. Even the thought of food was making me nauseous.
I sat up from the mountain of my mother's pillows and blankets, looking at him, but not his face. I couldn't do it. I didn't want him to see my inner turmoil in my eyes as Spence's words kept echoing around in my head.
"Gracie, Alexei's here. Do you want to come and have some breakfast with us?" Jamie tried to coax me out of my room.
I didn't answer, just flopped back down on my back and closed my eyes.
I felt the blankets lifted and the bed shift as Jamie laid down next to me and starred up at the top of the canopy bed. I gave him an odd look but ignored it and looked back up.
"So what are we looking at?" he asked and moved his glance down to me.
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Is there a reason you are using non verbal communication with me right now?"
I didn't reply.
"Gracie, did I upset you?"
I didn't reply again.
He wrapped his arms around me tight and I tensed taking in a sharp breath. He released his hold and back off saying, "Okay. You don't have to talk to me, Gracie, I won't touch you either if you don't want me to. If you want me to leave I'll do that too. I don't know what's going on, if it has something to do with what happened on the island or in the hospital, but I'm always going to be right here if you need me. Just let me know."
He leaned over like he was going to kiss my forehead, but froze and backed off like he thought it would be better not to do that.
The third morning after the dreams started, Rosie knocked on my window. I didn't open it, she let herself in.
"Ms. Chancellor is worried about you and so is your brother. Alexei wades through the reporters every day and him and Jamie sit in the hallway outside your room. If you don't trust me, go open the door. They're right there waiting for you. I don't know what's wrong right now Grace, but we all want to help you, just let us know what we can do. That's all I came to say. I'll stop bothering you now. I hope you feel better soon."
She retreated out the window and eventually her words got the better of me. I was curious as to whether Jamie and Alexei really were in the hall.
I stood and walked over to the door. I tried to listen through the thick wood but it was useless. I had no idea what they were saying. It just came through as a muffled mess.
It took a while, but eventually I gathered up enough courage to open the door and there they sat. There was a small table, it looked like a short accent table from one of the parlors, and they sat on either side of it. Canned drinks sat on the ground beside it while the pair played Uno on the table top.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Gracie!" Jamie lit up with a smile. He jumped up to his feet but didn't approach me, "Are you feeling okay? Do you need something?"
"Why are you sitting outside the door?"
"Oh, are we took loud?" Jamie seemed to deflate a bit.
"No, Rosie came by for a chat and mentioned you were out here. Have you really been sitting out here the last two days?"
"Two and a half, we set up shop in the afternoon of the first day you refused to come out." Jamie clarified, "But how did you see Rosie? She wasn't-"
"Window." Alexei said and Jamie seemed to understand.
"Well, I'm going to have to fix that." Jamie was frowning at Alexei now.
"The Alexei hasn't come in my window. The only people who have are Rosie and Megan." I lied. What Jamie didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
"Oh," he stopped frowning, "Okay then."
"Do you need anything, Grace?" Alexei calling me by my name and not by my very similar nickname felt different. A weird kind of different that I wasn't sure if I liked or hated yet.
"Can you ask Ms. Chancellor to have Dr. Rainier to come by for a session?" I asked.
Jamie was suddenly very concerned. "You are voluntarily asking to speak to a therapist? Are you feeling okay?"
He came and tried to touch my forehead, probably to feel for a fever but I backed up when he began his approach. He respected my space and let me alone.
"I just... I think I need to talk through something with someone who isn't going to tell anyone. It not even something I ever want to bring up in front of you. I can't even let my own brother touch me right now. I feel dirty and my thoughts are all messed up and I need Dr. Rainier to help me straighten it out."
"Okay, that's a good idea. I'll tell Ms. Chancellor, but when I come back you have to eat something. I'll bring muffins and water. You have to finish at least one muffin."
"Okay." I gave Jamie a nervous smile and watched him walk away leaving me alone with his best friend who I may or may not be in a relationship with. I still don't even know how to define what we are. I want to be a couple. I know I would really like that, but all the doubts in my head in recent days have been ruining how I see him. I know that he cares about me. I know that before Spence's words started to get to me I felt safe with him and as I sank down to sit on the floor in my doorway across the hall from Alexei, I started to recall something else from that night.
'Alexei will never hurt me.' It wasn't something verbalized. It was the unspoken rule in my head, that in all the years I had known and been around Alexei, he would never hurt me. I trusted him to think in my last moments before I was unconscious that he would never, ever raise a hand to me.
I wasn't sure when, but at some point I had curled up, pulling my knees to my chest and taking slow deep and loud breaths. I rocked a bit back and forth and then a big heavy blanket was draped around my shoulders.
"I read these help with anxiety." Alexei explained dropping the fuzzy weighted blanket around my shoulders, "The had 10 and 20 pound blankets. 20 seemed like too much. You are tiny."
I bit the inside of my lip as I took a shaky breath.
'Alexei will never hurt me' I kept telling myself that, over and over in my mind, 'He want to help me. He will never hurt me.'
"Is it too much, Gracie?" he reached to take it off but I stopped him.
"No!" I pulled it tighter around me, "It's perfect, I love it, thank you."
He smiled, it wasn't toothy and blindingly brilliant like the many others before, but this one was warm, just like the blanket, and it made me feel safe, safe enough to grab his hand and pull him to sit beside me.
"Alexei..." I wanted to ask him to hold me but I couldn't bring myself to, "I'm sorry."
I was starting to get choked up.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
"Yes, I do!" I was raising my voice, but not quite yelling, "I keep having all these horrible thoughts. I keep thinking so many bad things about you and Jamie because of Spence and I just can't get him out of my head. I can't make his words go away! I just want him to leave me alone! He's dead why can't he leave me alone!?"
I heard a bit of a clatter down the hall as Jamie put down the tray he was carrying on a decorative table and jogged over to me and Alexei. He dropped down on his knees in front of me and reached for my hands. I didn't stop him.
"Gracie, I don't know what that guy told you, but I promise, I love you so much. I'm so sorry that I let him into your life! You have already dealt with way too much at your age and I just went and made everything worse for you! I'm so sorry, Gracie!"
I knew Jamie had been feeling guilty, but seeing it pour out of him like this when I was completely emotionally sober was shattering my heart. I leaned my head forward so that our heads were touching and I didn't move from there. I let Jamie get upset and I didn't let go until he was completely calm once again, when he was do back to normal you would never guess how torn up he was.
"There's nothing to forgive, Jamie, it wasn't your fault, but if it will help you feel any less guilty I forgive you. I never resented you in the first place. Spence just insinuated some things about men in general and what he put me through has just really screwed up who I think I can trust." I let go of Jamie's hands with one of my hands and used it to hold Alexei's.
"Even though I'm still really unsure of everything, the one thing I want to be sure about is that I can trust the both of you. I know in my heart that I should and need to, but my head just keeps telling me not and I've just never been this scared before. I want to talk to Dr. Rainier because I know then I'll be able to sort all of this out."
"Okay, Gracie, whatever you need from us, just tell us." Jamie pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it.
I leaned my head back away from Jamie's and let myself fall against Alexei who was barely moved by my weight. He held me tight around the waist and I guess Jamie was just letting him have this one. I turned my head enough to press my nose into his shirt and took a deep breath. He smelled nice. Even in the gross heat and humidity of and Adrian summer, Alexei always smelled nice.
Alexei bowed his head down to plant kissed on my hair and temple.
Jamie stood and went to retrieve the tray from the table down the hall. I looked back to Alexei.
"What are we?" I asked.
"Whatever you want to be."
"Mine."
"I will gladly be yours, Gracie, will you be mine as well?"
"Of course." I held him tightly and put my head in the crook of his neck then planting a kiss and moving up to leave one on his cheek too, "I love you."
"I love you too, Gracie."
Even thought that whole encounter, from the moment I let Alexei near me to the end, my brain was screaming to run and hide, I let my heart take the lead on that one. Even though my head usually has all the answers, my heart knew better who I should trust.
