Hi, guys, so sorry for the delay of the chapter. It was a tough one to write and I wanted it to be as real as possible. Hope you'll like it :)

Warning: self-harm and depression, also Braeden's nightmares


A high pitched scream escapes my lips as I sit in my bed, knife in my hand. It takes me a second or two to realize where I am and that it was just another nightmare. I shut my mouth and force myself to breathe deeply so I can calm myself down. Just seconds later Sam and Dean burst into my room, guns blazing, looking frantically around but not seeing any danger.

"False alarm" Dean states as he puts his gun away

My heart's still bumping loudly in my chest, adrenalin pushing through my veins. I realize my cheeks are wet, I haven't realized I am crying. I look guiltily at the boys. It's the third time this week, waking them up in the middle of the night because I'm screaming in my sleep.

"I'm sorry" I croak as I put the knife back under my pillow "I didn't mean to wake any of you up"

"It's okay" Sam reassures me and heads out of my room, trying to hold a cough "Try to get some rest, Braeden. You need it" and he leaves, coughing echoing through the corridor

Dean is standing in the middle of my room, darting his eyes over the gun on my night stand. My hands are shaking and I curl my fingers into fists trying to calm down. I look up to see Dean, he's still there, looking closely at me. I can see the regret and pity in his eyes, the concern about me and it hurts me even more for causing him and Sam such troubles.

"Come with me" I hear Dean says, he's waiting me patiently at the door

I'm confused but I know he won't leave me alone, not right now. So as I wipe away my tears and try to get a grip of my shattered emotions, I get out of bed and bare footed go to him. He gently puts his hand on the small of my back and guides me to his room. I shiver as we walk the cold corridors of the bunker.

It's been two weeks since Sam released my father's soul. Two weeks since Benny died. And since that day I am a total emotional wreck. I feel exhausted all the time, probably because I barely manage to force myself to eat, and I feel emptiness inside me, my indifference to everything going stronger by day. I just want to be left alone, drowning myself in my grief. I barely managed to call Clara and tell her Benny's dead and that I quit. Dean accompanied me to the apartment Benny and I shared so I could gather my things. It's kind of sad how I managed to put all of my life only into two duffel bags.

I sigh and realize we've almost reached Dean's room. When the boys sheltered me here, I had no desire to study the bunker. I know it's huge and impressive and has a lot of books and god knows what else about the supernatural world, but I don't really care. I don't care about the Men of Letters and their legacy, I don't care how the boys found this place. I have no strength left in me to care about anything…

Dean gently guides me to his bed. The sheets are a mess and he quickly fixes them. He lies and grabbing my hand pulls me next to him. I obediently do as he silently has asked me. He grabs his laptop and turns it on. I furrow my brows, showing slight interest at his actions.

"What are you doing?" I ask

"You'll see" he answers with a smile while putting a disc and then he plays "Game of Thrones"

I cuddle next to his strong warm body. I don't pay much attention to the movie, just trying to keep myself awake because I'm tired of all the nightmares that only got worse after Benny's death. I wrap my arm around Dean's waist and with a sigh I try to forget about all the emotions raging inside me – anger, regret, misery and fear. They are all mixed up in a heavy mass that pulls me down on my knees, drowning me in despair and depression. But now, lying next to Dean I feel a bit better. I feel safe and I trust him. I relax next to him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders protectively. Soon I drift off, peaceful for the first time in a long time.


I wake up only to find a strong arm wrapped protectively around my waist. I carefully stretch, a smile on my lips as I realize I'm in Dean's bed and this is his hand. I haven't slept so well in ages, no nightmares, no dreams, no nothing – just complete relaxation and rest. I try to sneak out of bed without waking him up but the moment I move his grip on me tightens and I sigh. I turn to face him, he's deeply asleep and looks so peaceful and carefree.

"Dean" I whisper trying to make him let me go "Dean"

"No" he mutters, still asleep and shifts his body, trapping me completely

"Dean, let me go" I gently jab him, trying to free myself

"No" he repeats and I shake his shoulder "Don't go" he mumbles

"Dean" I sternly say and he opens an eye to look at me "Let me go and you can go on sleeping as long as you wish"

He grumbles something under his nose but he's not quite awake yet and I don't understand him. He pulls his hands away from me and I shiver at the loss of his warm embrace.

"What time is it?" he asks and rubs his face as he sits in the bed

"Does it matter?" I ask and head to the door but stop at the threshold and turn to him "Dean, thank you"

"For what?" he sleepily asks, confusion written over his face

"For not leaving me alone last night" I explain "Thank you"

"Anytime" he shrugs

And with this word the little shreds of my good mood disappear. I just nod and storm out of the room, heading to mine. "Anytime" – the word reminds me of Benny and only brings back all the pain. I quickly dress up and suddenly all of my energy is gone. I feel weak, I don't have the strength for absolutely anything. I just want to curl on my bed and disappear, to sink into complete oblivion where no pain can hurt me. I wish all my feelings just to go away. Dean will be expecting me for breakfast. Even though I'm not hungry, I head to the kitchen because I know that if I don't show up Dean will literally drag me there and will make me eat.

I hear voices as I walk down the corridor. Sam and Dean are talking, there's tension in the air and I can feel it even though I still haven't enter the kitchen.

"She's not okay, Sammy" I hear Dean says and I stop walking

"She needs time" Sam answers

"How much more time?" Dean exclaims "It's been two weeks already and she's not getting any better"

"Dean" Sam says with a reasoning tone "For all we know she just lost the man she loved"

I exhale sharply and lean on the wall, covering my mouth, worried that they might have heard me. But they haven't.

"She wasn't that bad after Bobby…" Dean mutters hesitantly

"It was that bad" Sam's voice rises a bit "She just put all of her grief into hunting. This time she doesn't have a purpose. We need to find a way to get her out of this numb state she's in."

I shake my head. They can talk all they want. I just wish they leave me alone with my sorrow. I push myself off the wall and step as noisily as I can so they can hear me before I enter the kitchen. I force a smile and mutter a "good morning" before sitting on a chair opposite of Sam.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Dean asks me but I just shake my head "C'mon, you must eat"

"I'm not hungry" I quietly say, staring in the blank space

I hear Dean sighs deeply but I ignore him. Then he puts in front of me mug of milk and some biscuits. I wrap my fingers around the warm mug and stare at its content. Sam clears his throat. I raise my eyes to see him pushing a newspaper towards me. I don't even look at it. I really don't care what's written there.

"I found us a case" he states and I just look at him, not saying a thing "Dean and I thought we could go check it out"

"Fine" I say and break a little piece of the biscuit and put it in my mouth; it's completely tasteless for me but I force myself to chew it

"Won't you come?" Dean asks but I shake my head

"I'm not in a mood for a hunt"

"Braeden" Sam draws my attention "You haven't left the bunker for two weeks…"

"I said I'm not in a mood" I repeat blankly and with this I stand up and head out of the kitchen.

This time hunting can't save me from the grief.


I'm walking around the bunker, studying it. I don't know what made me get out of my bed and start wandering around. I feel like shit, weak and exhausted, dumb emotional pain pulsating in my chest with the rate of my heart. I do my best to ignore it and numbness is all I wish for. I go from one room to another, looking through all the stashed things. I really like the library. This place is full of books, researches and hundreds of supernatural items that only God knows what they are used for. When I find the dungeon, my brows furrow. I really didn't expect the Man of Letters had something like that. After all, they were more librarians than something else. Some part of me is curious and I let it guide me. I look closely at the chains and all the symbols around. With a sigh I leave.

The last place my tour takes me is the kitchen. I'm not hungry, yet I feel weak and I know I'll have to eat something. I make myself a sandwich avoiding thinking about anything. It's harder than it seems, my thoughts going back to Benny, then to my father's death, back to Benny and then to the Winchesters who are gone on that hunt Sam found for two days already and have to be soon home. I take a bite from the stupid sandwich, probably there's something wrong with my taste receptors because it's tasteless. I chew it and swallow. I wonder why the boys aren't angry with me for leaving them and going to Benny. I chose a vampire over them. That should mean something to them. But they act so compassionate and understanding that sometimes I wish they just yell at me for being a bitch to them. The melancholic feeling I've been trying to ignore for a long time finally catches me in its claws. The guilt, the pain, the despair, the self-loath… everything rages inside me, making me more miserable and depressed. I just want to curl in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I have no energy, no desire to do anything.

And then I see the kitchen knives, their blades shining under the light of the lamps. I screwed everything up… I was a disappointment… Never there for my father, abandoning the Winchesters… I even didn't manage to help Benny, and since his death I was so selfish, drowning in my own grief I've forgotten about Kevin and Cas… I should have checked on them more often… With a shaking hand I reach and take a knife. It's bad idea, I know it, but my emotions are too strong to pay attention to reasonable arguments. The blade is sharp, I gently put it over my left arm, above the wrist. I press it against my skin and pull. The cut isn't deep, nothing serious actually, but it stings and soon blood starts to drip from it. I make another cut, then one more and one more. I watch as my blood flows down my forearm in complete oblivion. It's strange but the physical pain helps me overcome the emotional. As I stare at my self-inflicted cuts I realize I am more relaxed and all I feel is numbness. And that is better than any kind of pain. I look at the bloodied blade of the knife and all of a sudden I realize what I have done. I throw it in the sink and press my palm against my cuts, rushing to get the first aid kit. I'm sloppy, using only my right hand, but I manage to stop the bleeding and put gauze over the wounds and bandage myself. With an irritated hiss I close the kit. What the hell was I thinking to cut myself? Well, that's the problem – I wasn't thinking, I let my emotions rule me. Again. I shake my head and put the kit back to its place…

Then I hear the bunker's door being opened and heavy steps stomping down the stairs. It's the boys. I quickly pull down my sleeve and force myself to go and welcome them home. Imagine my surprise when I see them all bloodied and covered in bruises and scratches. Worry overtakes me and I rush to them to make sure they're fine. With concern and anxiousness building inside me I quickly grab the aid kit. The possibility of losing them makes me rush frantically to help them, my heart bumping in panic. For the first time since Benny's death I really feel something and my emotions are completely genuine. I can't lose them, not after everything that happened in my life. I can't lose anybody else. I won't let it happen. Sam and Dean, they are all I have left in this world and I won't let anything happen to them. I feel alive, really alive and awaken from a long sleep of numbness and indifference. With determination I haven't felt in a long time I open the kit, ready to patch them up.


So what do you think about the chapter? Please, I'd love to know your opinion, so drop me a review :)