Hey, guys :) How's been your week? Did you watch the last episode?
Anyway, here's the new chapter and huge thaks to deadone1013 for the review :)
I look hideous. If after coming back from Purgatory I was a mess, now I'm complete terror. I stare in my reflection in the mirror and wonder how comes I look so bad? I look like a dead man who just walked out of his grave. My skin is so pale, whiter than the tiles in the bathroom. I have huge dark circles around my eyes that look more like bruises. I've lost a lot of weight and look more like a fucking skeleton. That's what happens to your body when you've been tortured for three weeks by the King of Hell and then by the Mistress of Heaven. My eyes are piercing me form the mirror and I sigh. I took after Dad – blue eyes, brown hair but there's nothing of his spirit and strength in the tormented reflection in front of me. I look defeated, ill, exhausted… just like Sam, actually.
I walk out of the bathroom and head to the kitchen, I need coffee. As I enter, I see Sam on the table, reading a newspaper. I greet him and take a mug, secretly looking at him. The trials don't affect him well. Still, he looks better than me. Dean walks in as I add sugar and milk to my coffee. I take my mug and head to the table, wanting to sit next to Sam. I haven't managed to make even a step when it hits me. My last nightmare. But it's not just a dream, it's a memory. And it hits me hard… Naomi's words echo through my mind, mixed with all the hallucinations she gave me…
"He won't survive the trials" she mutters quietly to herself but I hear her "When he finishes them, he'll die. One Winchester down…"
I'm frozen, pure panic and fear racing through me. I look at Dean, terrified by what I have remembered, his green eyes focused on me in concern. The mug slips through my numb fingers and shatters noisily on the floor. This takes me out of my stupor. I broke it, I made a mess, they'll be mad at me… I quickly kneel and start collecting the pieces, there's coffee and milk everywhere.
"Sorry, sorry" I mumble "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. Sorry, I'll clean it up and… Sorry…"
One of the pieces digs in my palm and cuts me. I yelp quietly in surprise but continue picking what's left of the broken mug. I can't risk making them even angrier or they'll beat me up. I know I'm useless and pathetic and a burden but I don't want them to say it to me again… so I continue apologizing…
A hand reaches and covers mine. I look up and see it's Dean. Only then I realize where I am. I'm safe. Naomi's dead. Meg saved me.
"It's just a mug, Braeden" Dean calmly states "Don't worry about it" he gently holds my shoulders and makes me stand up
He guides me to the bin where I drop the pieces of the mug and then leads me down the hall. I try to protest but he hushes me, telling me Sam will clean. We enter his room and he makes me sit on his bed. Dean pulls an aid kit and carefully examines my palm. I obediently wait for him to do what he thinks is the best. I shake my head; I lost connection to the reality again. This is bad. It's been a week since Meg saved my ass but my mind still plays me tricks. And the only thing I found out that helps me is Meg. She was never in the hallucinations, so she is real. I even called Cas asking to talk to her a couple of times – it helped me get myself together and not give in to the hallucinations my mind kept reminding me of. Naomi, even dead, still has her hands on me. I have to shake her off. I can't go on like this. It's the third time the memory of the hallucinations terrors me and makes me act unreasonably. I silently watch as Dean bandages my palm. He's brows are furrowed and his jaw clenched. He looks worried and I know he'll try talk to me. Sam already did, telling me I acted stupid, surrendering myself to Crowley. I silently stood there, listening to his lecture. Sam asked if I wanted to talk about what had happened to me but I stubbornly told him it was in the past. I know I'm wrong but I'm a hunter. Hunters don't get scared, they don't live in their nightmares. They just get over it and keep going. That's exactly what I have to do. To find a way to keep going. Dean looks at me and sighs deeply. His eyes are piercing me, his hands are gently resting on my hurt palm. And then he asks the inevitable question
"What the hell did she do to you?"
"Not much" I shrug and seeing his disbelieve I add "But it was enough."
"Enough?"
"To keep messing with my mind" I say and quickly stand up "I don't really wanna talk about it" and before he could say something I leave the room
I have to find Kevin, so I head to the library. It's pure luck he hasn't translated the third trial, especially now, when he's got the whole tablet. I find him buried in his notes, staring intensively at the tablet and writing down. He doesn't notice me, even when I take the chair next to his and sit.
"Kev?" I call him and with a surprise he raises his head "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Yeah, sure" he leans back in his chair
He looks much better than when he was living on that boat. Kevin has a healthy look and the dark circles around his eyes are gone. I look around cautiously, but Dean and Sam are nowhere to be seen. My actions don't escape Kevin's sight and he tenses.
"Have you found out what's the third trial?" I ask quietly
"No, why…"
"You need to stop looking for this" I state and lean forward
"What?! Are you crazy!?" he exclaims, confusion written all over his face "We're talking about closing the Gates of Hell!"
"Keep your voice down!" I hiss at him and look around again, but we haven't drawn any attention, we're still alone
"How can you ask me that?" Kevin scowls at me in disbelieve and offend
"Look…" I start "I know what all of this means to you but…"
"But what?" he snaps at me
"Sam will die" I say and he freezes "If he finishes the trials, he'll die"
"What?!" Dean voice makes me jump in my seat and I see him just a couple of steps away from us, I haven't heard him come in; he looks worried and angry all in the same time "How would you know?" I can hear the accusation in his tone
"Naomi told me" I simply reply
"'Cause she's so reliable source…" Kevin rolls his eyes
"Guys, please…" I look at them pleadingly "I know what I'm talking about"
"Yeah, says the girl who freaked out over a broken mug" Dean crosses his hands "And admitted her head is a mess"
Seeing their faces I realize they don't believe me. They think I'm delusional. I don't blame them, I've been acting all weird since I came back. I see the concern in Dean's eyes, he cares enough to listen to me but he's not sure if he can trust my words. I realize the only way to make them believe me is to tell them everything. So with a sigh I do tell them. I tell them everything, how Crowley tortured me but Naomi was worse, how she played with my mind, driving me crazy, not able to separate reality from hallucination, how she questioned me… I tell them everything. Kevin looks terrified, sympathy written all over his face, I can see the pity, too. But I don't care as long as they believe me. Dean's face is a stern mask, completely unreadable for me.
"Dean, I know what I heard" I insist
"It could have been just another hallucination" he just refuses to accept it
"Do you know what the hallucinations were?" I sharply ask and when he shakes his head I continue "It was you, or Sam telling me nasty things, how unworthy I am, what a burden I am, how useless…" I take a breath, Dean's face is pale, it pictures pure shock and disbelieve "Charlie, Kevin, Ellen, Jo… even Bobby… she used all of you against me. And when you were done with the insults the beating started. Everything was so real, so vivid… and every wound you caused me was real… I don't know how Naomi did it, but…" I shake my head "You want to know how I remind myself everything's over? By calling Meg, talking to her. Because she never was in these hallucinations and I know she's real. That helps me realize that you are real, too. That I'm… that I'm safe and you're my Dean and you would never hurt me." Dean looks so shaken, so lost and I can't tell how well he takes what I'm telling him but I continue "But there's one more thing that was never in the hallucinations and I knew it was real. It was Naomi herself. So I know what I heard. And I know it was real. So, please, please, believe me when I' telling you this – if Sam finishes the trials, he'll die"
Dean comes to me and much to my surprise hugs me. I let myself get lost in the sensation of his body pressed to mine, his hands wrapped tightly around me.
"I'm so sorry" he whispers "So sorry you had to go through all of this" his embrace is warm and safe and I relax in his arms
"So you believe me?" I bashfully ask
"Of course, I do" I feel how he plants a kiss on my temple "I believe you. I need to talk to Sam" he says and releases me, heading out to look for his brother
"Send him to me after that" I say "I bet he'll have questions" Dean nods and leaves
"Wow…" Kevin shakes his head "So far with closing these bastards forever"
"Sorry, Kev" I sit next to him "I know what this meant for you"
"Yeah… Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?" and he stands up and heads to his room
The poor kid, all his hopes were crushed. He'll never be completely free from Crowley. He'll spend the rest of his life hiding from the King of Hell. And that's no way of living…
There's a soft knock and the door opens, Sam's head popping up.
"Can I come in?"
"Sure" I smile at him and put away my laptop
I look at him as he approaches the bed. He's pale and he's got circles under his hazel eyes and he looks tired but remembering my reflection in the mirror this morning I notice he looks better than me. The look on his face tells me he's frustrated.
"You talked to Dean?" I ask as he sits on the bed next to me
"Yeah…"
"And?"
"Well, I'm not happy about it"
"I can see that" I sarcastically say
"It's just…" he huffs and looks directly to me "It felt like the right thing to do. I wanted to mend all the bad and now…"
He looks lost and confused. He's not sure what he's supposed to do. I know how much he wanted to close the Gates. How much he wanted to do this good to the world. And knowing him he probably wanted it even more because of all the mistakes he's done in his life. He believes that closing the Gates would redeem his past sins. If he can only understand…
"It's not worth it, Sam" I gently state "Dean and I… we care about you and there's no way in the world we let you do this…"
"Isn't it up to me to decide this?" I can hear the edge in his tone
"You're still here" I point out "Which means you don't wanna die. Because you see hope and light at the end of the tunnel…"
"Have you talked to Dean about this?" Sam looks at me with furrowed brows
"No" I shake my head "I just know you well enough." I chuckle at the face he makes "You're my best friend, Sam. And I know why you wanted to close the Gates so badly…"
"Really?" there's a mock in his voice, he's challenging me
"Really." I nod all serious "It's because you believe this is the best way to redeem yourself"
His shocked face changes with grim expression and I know I'm right. He feels like he failed the world, choosing to live and not finish the trials. But sometimes it's not bad to be selfish. And I know that, so does he. Still, he's upset. So I do the only thing I know will calm him down – I hug him.
"You're a good man, Sam Winchester" I seriously say "Don't you ever doubt that. Even for a second"
I feel as he nods against my shoulder and after couple of more seconds I let him go. Then it occurs to me, there's a question I want to ask him.
"Sam…" I hesitantly start and this gets me his full attention "Did Dean tell you… about Naomi? What she…" I huff and quickly spill it out "What she did to me?"
"He mentioned it…" Sam nods and I see regret in his eyes
"How…" I rethink my question and try again "When Lucifer was… when the wall Death put was broken… how… how did you manage to say what is real and what is not?"
"Oh…" Sam exhales sharply "I didn't always knew the difference… but when I did, the truth is… it was in the little things. It started with the wound on my palm. Every time Lucifer showed up I pressed my palm and he was gone… But with you I think it's different, right?" he asks gently "It's not just one person who you try to push out… You try to figure out if everything around you is real…"
"Yeah, that's kinda problem" I purse my lips "But…" then I see his worried expression and I wave my hand "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine"
"Braeden…"
"No, really" I insist "I'm all better now… which can't be said for Sarah Johnson."
"What? Who?" Sam's completely confused and I smirk, knowing my little plan to distract him has worked
I take my laptop and show him what I've found.
"It's a case" I smile widely at him while he reads the article "We should definitely check it"
"Are you sure…" he hesitates for a second "if it's a good idea for you to come?"
"Why not?" I shrug "It's a distraction" I say and get up, starting to pack my things "And if I freak out, you can always…"
"It's not funny, Braeden" Sam scowls at me
"Yeah, it is" I stick my tongue at him "And you never let me finish, so you can't know" I smile at him "Go tell Dean. I'll wait you in the library in twenty." I wink at him as he leaves my room "And tell your brother my coming is not negotiable. I'm coming, like it or not."
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