Shepard shot up in bed, covered in sweat, again.

She looked around the room.

Another nightmare.

What was this one about?

Kaidan.

This one was about Kaidan getting hurt or maybe he had died.

She swung her legs off the edge of the bed and stood.

It wasn't even four yet.

She took a drink of water and crumpled the paper cup in her hand.

So much was going on she needed to get sleep.

Shepard glanced back at her bed.

Images of Kaidan covered in blood and dying flashed in mind.

Nope.

She would not be sleeping again tonight.

Slipping on her robe she opened the door to her room and stepped out into the hall.

Again it was dark and silent. She could hear the soft slap of her bare feet against the cold steel of the floor. She could even hear the hum of the engines. Which was saying something on a brand new warship.

She wondered for a moment if maybe Joker was up again.

He couldn't be, she realized suddenly. He hadn't slept on the flight to find Liara and he'd been awake the entire time they were planet side.

By now he was probably snoring loudly on a bunk in the crew quarters.

Maybe that meant the VI was flying the ship and she could sit and sip tea while watching the stars fly past. That sounded very relaxing. If she could do that, she might be able to get back to sleep.

Stopping briefly she made a quick cup of tea before she headed up the stairs toward the bridge. She walked slowly, sipping the hot tea, marveling at the empty CIC.

She wondered for a moment how many people were absolutely necessary to operate the ship. It was so new they could probably get by with a handful of people.

"Shepard?"

She stopped.

The Commander had been so caught up thinking about the ship and the crew that she hadn't noticed someone sitting in the pilot's chair.

Kaidan was watching her, his amber eyes sparkling.

"You're awake," she stated stupidly.

He smiled at her, making her heart spike a beat.

"You're awake too," he commented.

"Yeah," she smiled. She walked over and took the seat to the left, like she had before.

"Can't sleep?"

"Nightmares," she replied, opting for the truth.

"Do you have them a lot?" He asked sympathetically.

"I had them a lot after Elysium. But they went away after a while."

"But now?"

She turned in the chair and looked at him. "I think the beacon may have triggered them again."

He nodded, still obviously feeling guilty about everything that had happened that day. "Are they always about the blitz or the beacon?"

She baulked, images of him from her dream in her mind. "No. But usually."

Kaidan looked at her, picking up that there was something she wasn't saying.

"Why don't you talk about it?" He asked suddenly. "About the Blitz I mean."

She looked down at the cup of tea in her hand. Eventually everyone asked about that battle. It was what she was known for. And now she was commanding a vessel in the navy, people were gonna want to know.

She sighed.

"You don't have to . . ." Kaidan started. He wanted to know what happened, wanted to know her better. And he didn't know if he would ever get her alone again. It seemed the perfect opportunity to ask.

Now, of course, he felt like an idiot.

"It's okay," she said still facing her tea. "I understand being curious."

She took another sip and set the cup in the small alcove made for it on the arm of the chair.

Not sure she could look at him, she focused on the window.

"It was my first assignment, right out of basic," she started. "I was twenty-one according to the Alliance. Of course I could have been twenty to twenty-three, but that doesn't matter."

Kaidan wanted to ask about the age gab but decided to let it go for now.

"I had just finished my zero-g training and my platoon was being sent to help shore up colonies in the Terminus Systems. The Batarians had made real threats against the Alliance and people were becoming generally concerned.

"Our boots hit dirt at thirteen hundred fifteen on April fourth 2176. My unit was assigned to protect the city, something they told us would be simple. With so many Alliance vessels in the system and the dozen other units with boots on the ground, we were mostly there to reassure the civilians.

"It was the middle of the night when they came," her voice had taken on a tremor and her eyes had glazed over. Kaidan could tell she was caught up in the memories.

"I was lucky I suppose. Living on the street for so many years I was able to be up and alert in a heartbeat. But people panicked and it was dark and the first wave of missiles took out command."

"They bombed the city?" Kaidan asked.

She looked up at him, eyes still glassy. "Not the city. They wanted as many regular civilians to survive as possible, for slaves. They targeted the chain of command to throw us into chaos. And it worked."

"I didn't know."

"I started grabbing anybody I could get my hands on and ordering them to get the civilians into the shelters. It took a while to get everyone on board, but by then we were down to half strength.

"We got the civilians to safety and locked the bunkers down. I had planned for the rest of us to hold the entrance to the bunker until morning. I assumed that the Alliance would hear and rush to help us."

"How long were you down there?"

"A week. Or, well, five days."

He nodded. Kaidan had heard as much.

"It didn't take long for the batarians to figure out where we were. Even less time to start picking off my team.

"The problem was the Alliance had instructed us to move the civilians into underground bunkers. They thought it would protect them from bombs the batarians would drop and keep them safe until the ground forces could push back.

"What they didn't realize was that when we pulled the civilians down there, we trapped ourselves. We couldn't run back because the doors to the bunker were sealed and none of us knew the code. Forward was suicide. So we held.

"By the end of the first day we were down to five. Myself, Adams, Tsukino, Burdges, and Mac Nue. Mac and I had been together since basic. She was the first real friend I'd had in the Alliance."

"Had?" Kaidan asked gently.

She looked away, tears in eyes. "Yeah, had. We lost her . . . I lost her the second or maybe third night."

"Shepard," he started. "You can't blame yourself for what happened."

"I can," she replied simply. "They were following my orders. It was my command, my first command and I managed to get twelve people killed."

"You saved the entire colony!" He countered.

She looked at him and tried to smile.

"By the second night we were down to three," she continued. "Then Adams took a shot to the shoulder, he lived but he was unable to keep fighting. The next night a flashbang came over the wall and something in Tsukino snapped.

"I'm not really sure what happened, but he lost it. A few men from the bunker came up and took them with them. They wanted to stay and fight, but I wouldn't let them. Too many people had died and I refused to have the lives of civilians on my hands."

Kaidan wanted to ask so many questions. Mostly he wanted to reach out and hold her. But how could he possibly hold her? Forget regulations, she, Commander Shepard, had more badass in her little finger than he did in his whole body. You didn't just hold someone like that.

"I spent the next three days and four nights holding that position. Keeping the batarians at bay and pushing back when they pushed."

"How?"

"Biotics," she smiled now. "Did you know you can use your power to trigger a gun?"

"No," he replied. In truth he'd never considered trying.

"Well you can. And you can hurl grenades too."

"Shepard," he whispered.

"It's okay," she said smiling sadly. "I survived. That's what I do."

"Survive?"

She nodded. "I am a survivor."

He didn't know what to say.

"Anyway. That's how the blitz went down. And that's why I don't talk about it. I spent over seventy-two hours awake, fighting. It messed me up, for a while. That's why there's almost a year gap between that mission and my starting the N7 program."

Kaidan did a little counting in his head.

"Wait, Shepard. How old are you?"

She chuckled. "Well according to the Alliance I am twenty-eight. But I could be as old as thirty-one. I'm not sure."

She was so young!

Wait, or was she?

He was confused.

"You're adopted," he stated understanding.

"Yup. My mother or father . . . someone left me at firehouse 51 in Chicago when I was a toddler. There was no way to tell how old I was. The only reason they knew my name was because the jacket I was wearing had my name written on the tag. Or at least they assumed it was mine."

"Is that why you don't like your name?" He asked, sensing the connection.

"It's the only thing my family ever gave me," she explained. "And I don't want it."

She leaned her head back and sighed. The hope was that she would be able to calm herself and then maybe get more sleep. Now, however, she seemed more alert than ever.

"I'm sorry if I brought up something I shouldn't have," Kaidan said apologetically.

"It's okay," she replied, her eyes still closed. "People always wonder. At least you asked. And anyway, it was a long time ago and I don't really think about it much."

He watched her for a moment. Then he decided it would be best to leave things as they were.

She sat for a few more minutes, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the ship and Kaidan beside her. It was weird at first, listening to him breath. The ship was so quite she could hear him quite clearly. Then, after a moment or so, she found it oddly comforting. Listening to him breathe, knowing that she wasn't alone, made her feel remarkably at ease.

Her head drooped to the side.

She started momentarily and then settled back down again.

Kaidan watched her still.

A minute or two later and she was snoring softly in the chair.

He smiled.

She must have been exhausted.

It made him happy to know that she felt safe enough around him to sleep. Or she was dead on her feet tired.

He checked the travel time.

They were still hours from the Citadel.

He switched the Normandy to auto-pilot and stood. As carefully as he could, the LT scooped her out of the chair.

She stirred or a moment and he froze, terrified of what would happen if she suddenly woke.

He had not thought this through at all.

He wanted to help and be kind to her but this was not something he should have done. He hesitated, wondering if it would be best to just set her back down.

No.

She deserved a decent night's sleep.

When she finally settled in his arms, he walked quietly down the bridge and through the CIC.

She was lighter than he would have guessed.

Maybe the stories about her along with her rank and stature made her seem larger than life. Looking at her now, she was remarkably small. Too small to have dealt with everything she'd been through.

Turning sideways he scooted through the door and took the stairs one at a time.

Shepard turned in his arms and nuzzled her face into his chest.

His heart rate spiked.

Taking measure breaths he reached the bottom of the stairs and kept going slowly and quietly. He reached her door and stopped.

Using her toe he pushed the button and stepped into her private quarters.

The room was sparse and almost completely unadorned.

If it wasn't for the lone framed picture on the desk, the room would be bare.

Kaidan walked to the bed and stopped.

He wasn't holding her right. Her head was resting in the crook of his left arm and her knees in his right.

Not sure what else to do, he carefully kicked his shoes off and walked up on the bed. He went down on his knees and as gently as he could manage, he laid her out on the bed.

Now he was stuck.

Kaidan shifted so he was laying on his side. Then he slowly began to slide his arm out from under neck.

Centimeter by centimeter he slowly pulled his arm away until he was free. He slid quickly and gently off the bed. He grabbed the blanket off the edge of the bed and draped it over her. Grabbing his shoes off the floor he exited the room. As the door slid closed behind him he let out a long low breath.

"Do I even want to know?" Joker asked, standing in the mess and eyeing Kaidan as he walked out of the Commanders room.

His face flushed red. "She . . . uh the Commander I mean, fell asleep on the bridge. I was just bringing her down to her quarters and putting her . . . in . . . bed . . ."

"Uh hu," he laughed, not believing him at all. "And you needed to take your shoes off for that?"

"This . . . I wasn't . . ." Kaidan stammered. "It's not what it looks like."

"Hey I didn't see anything," he muttered as he grabbed his cup of coffee and headed up to the CIC.

Kaidan sighed and shook his head, he was going to hear about that later.

Shepard opened her eyes, confused.

She was in her room.

But that couldn't be right.

She was just on the bridge, wasn't she?"

Could she have walked all the way back and not remember it?

No.

Her memory wasn't that bad.

"Commander," Joker called over the comm.

"What time is it?" She asked sitting up.

"Well the local time is about noon."

"Local time?"

"Yeah, that's what I was calling about. We're here. We just docked at the Citadel."

"Fantastic," she muttered. "I'll be right up."

Shepard dressed quickly, opting for armor over fatigues. She didn't know enough about the Citadel to feel completely safe there. Once her gear was on she made her way quickly to the CIC. She waved at the soldiers who waved to her but didn't stop to talk.

"Joker," she said coming up behind him.

"Well good morning sleeping beauty," he laughed as she stopped behind his chair.

"Shut up," she muttered taking the seat to his left. "What happened?"

"Whatever do you mean, Commander?" Joker replied with a laugh and in a way that made her very suspicious.

"Don't make me hurt you to get the information I want," she laughed. She pulled all her hair around the front and started to toss it up in a quick braid.

"Got enough hair?" Joker asked.

"You're dodging my question," she replied, not looking at him.

"Kaidan said you passed out this morning," he explained. "Carried you all the way back to your room . . . himself."

Her fingers faltered.

"Yeah," he said nodding.

"How . . . um . . . how many members of the crew witnessed this?" She asked, not looking forward to having to quell rumors.

"Just me," he turned in his chair, something that looked like it caused him some pain. "Shepard, what's going with you two?"

Taken aback by the concern in both his voice and his eyes, she replied honestly. "I . . . I don't really know."

"Jen you know what happens to you two . . ."

"I know," she cut in, letting his use of her first name slide. "I'm not pursuing anything."

"Then what is it with you two?"

"I wish I knew," she sighed.

"Be careful," he cautioned.

She eyed him suspiciously. "Why do you care?" She wasn't being harsh or angry with him, she was genuinely curious.

He looked away. "I told you. You remind me of my sister."

"Oh . . . well thanks I guess."

He scoffed. "You guess?"

"Look I'm not used to this," she said gesturing around in a wide area. She finished the braid and tossed it over her shoulder.

Joker turned back to the controls and began the lengthy process of shutting down the engines. He stopped, "how long are we staying?"

"Twenty-four hours," she said taking in the damage to the Mako, restocking and checking in with Anderson.

He nodded and continued to shut down the engines.

"Let the crew know?" She asked.

He nodded.

She stood and headed for the door.

"Shepard?" Joker called, not turning around.

"Yeah?" She stopped.

"Be careful," he reiterated.

She smiled, glad to have a friend that cared. "I will."

She was already on the elevator by the time Joker had finished his announcement.

When she finally got to the bottom and the door opened, most of the crew from the lower decks was waiting to get on.

"Commander," a few greeted her as they got on. She nodded to them and moved to the side as they stepped aboard. She looked around to see both Wrex and Garrus standing off to the side. Slipping out at the last second, she walked over to them.

"I thought you two would be headed out too." She said.

"Just waiting for the next lift," Garrus said evasively.

"Uh hu."

"People don't like me," Wrex stated.

"So you're waiting?"

"Yup."

"Okay," she walked over and stood next Garrus and crossed her arms like him. "So do you think you'll be able to get everything you need to fix her?" She nodded her chin toward the Mako.

Wrex laughed and walked over to push the button to call he lift back.

"It's gonna take some work," he said with a sigh. "But I've worked on worse. Hell I've date worse."

Shepard laughed. "That sounds like a story."

He laughed awkwardly. "I'm not drunk enough for this conversation."

She laughed again. Enjoying watching him squirm a little. "So what you're saying, is that if I get you drunk enough, you'll tell me all your secrets?"

He shifted uncomfortably on his feet and cleared his throat.

"Damn, Vakarian," she laughed. "You might not want to spread that information around."

"Keep laughin," he grumbled.

The soft ding signaled the arrival of the elevator.

"Do you need any help getting the parts?" Shepard asked as the three stepped onto the lift.

Garrus lifted the data pad in his hand and went over a few things. "No. I think as long as you've got me authorized to make purchases for the Alliance, we're good."

"You should just have to tell them your name and the name of the ship. If there's an issue call me. But they shouldn't hassle you."

Wrex grunted but didn't say anything.

"Where are we headed after this?" Garrus asked when the elevator fell silent.

"After Benezia," Shepard stated. "We need as much information about Saren as we can get. Hopefully she can provide us with that."

"What do we do if corner that asari and the other one turns on us?" Wrex asked.

"You mean Liara?" the Commander asked. "I'm not worried about her."

"Should we be?" Garrus asked.

She thought for a moment. "I don't think so. She seems more awkward and bumbling then malicious and threatening."

"And if you're wrong?" Wrex asked.

"Then we handle her."

By the time Shepard had made her way to the airlock, most of the crew had made their way on to the Citadel. She Garrus and Wrex hit the button on the door and waited.

"Equalizing interior pressure with exterior atmosphere," the ships VI announced. "Logged: The commanding office is ashore. XO Pressley has the deck."

"Human ships," Garrus muttered under his breath.

"Problems?" Shepard asked as the airlock opened.

"On a turian ship," he explained. "We don't announce when the Captain has left the ship and we certainly don't publicize who the next in command is."

They stopped as a man in an admiral's uniform approached them.

He saluted as she approached. "Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, Fifth Fleet."

She returned the salute, "Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy."

"You don't know who I am, do you Commander?"

She shook her head.

He sighed, "I command the 63rd Scout Flotilla. You and the Normandy were slated for my unit after shakedown. Then the Council got their paws . . . claws. Tentacles. Whatever. They got them on our ship. And you."

She felt Garrus tense behind her.

"I still serve the Alliance, sir," she assured him. "As a Spectre, I can advance out interests to the Council."

"Hmph," he scoffed. "You still know what color your blood is, Shepard?"

She held her tongue. She knew better than to talk back to an admiral. She couldn't say the same for Garrus and Wrex.

"I don't begrudge the politicians' decision to throw you to the Council," he continued. "It's an . . . opportunity. I do begrudge this overdesigned piece of tin, though." He gestured toward the Normandy.

Now her feathers were ruffled.

"The Normandy is a fine ship, sir," she said with as much respect as she could muster. "She's served us well so far."

He laughed. "It's a gimmick, Commander. Useless in a stand up fight." He took a few steps toward the ship. "This experiment diverted billions from our appropriations bills. For the same price, we could have had a heavy cruiser.

"But no. We had to make nice to the turians." He glared at Garrus.

Shepard reached behind herself and grabbed Garrus' arm. He had started forward but stopped now.

"Throwing money at a co-developed boondoggle. I'm here to make an inspection, Commander. Normandy is an Alliance warship. I intend to see she's up to snuff."

Taking a deep breath she replied, "We'd be honored to show her to you, Admiral."

"I'll just bet," he muttered. "Wait here. I won't be long." He blew past them and into the ship.

Shepard kept a hold of Garrus until the airlock closed.

She released his arm and turned back to them.

"Some humans," he muttered.

"Thank you," she sighed.

"For what?" Wrex asked.

"Not throttling him like you wanted to."

"What is it with humans?" Wrex asked. "Always gotta start problems."

"Should we go after him?" Garrus asked.

"No," she decided. "He's not gonna like us anymore if we follow him around. Besides we don't have anything to hide."

"I got places to be," Wrex muttered as he headed for the elevator.

"You can go too," Shepard told Garrus. "I know you have stuff to do."

"I'll wait." He replied simply.

"Thanks," she said with a smile. "I'm not gonna keep holding your hand, though."

Garrus laughed and look at her. "Well I'm leaving then," he joked taking a few steps toward the elevator. He stopped after a few steps and glanced at her over his shoulder. Something that was difficult given his carapace.

She folded her arms. "Go on then," she said shooing him dismissively.

"You don't know what you'd do without me," Garrus joked walking back over.

"Probably wouldn't have a working ground vehicle," she noted.

"True."

"Things would be mis-calibrated all over the place."

"Also true."

"Though that smell would probably be gone."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Wait, what smell?"

The airlock opened and the Admiral walked out. Shepard checked the clock on her omnitool. He'd been gone less than fifteen minutes. That was hardly enough time to walk the length of the ship.

"Commander," he said shaking his head. "I'm not happy."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir," she replied, not surprised at all.

"Who designed that CIC? Putting the Commander aft of everyone else is inefficient. What if he needs to discuss with the operators toward the bow?"

"Modified Turian style," She replied right away. "They prefer commanders looking over their subordinates, rather than in the middle of them. We wanted to see how effectively they can command with that setup."

Shepard was really glad she'd taken time to read all the paperwork Anderson had left behind about the ship. She hadn't anticipated needing to defend her ship.

"Hm," he replied thinking. "Reasonable goal. But they should have studied that in a lab rather than a front line warship."

Shepard tried to smile, but it came across as a grimace.

"I had to shake my head at that drive core of yours. 120 billion credits of element zero to make this thing able to move without giving itself away. You realize we could make drive cores for 12,000 fighters with that money? What good is it to hide for a few hours, anyway? Useless!"

She shook her head, steadily losing her cool. "We can loiter in an enemy system and monitor traffic, or drop infiltration teams on enemy worlds. Normandy can be more effective than the salarian STG."

"Maybe, maybe," he muttered, clearly seeing the truth of what she was saying. "But that's not the job of a proper warship. We're supposed to find and kill the enemy fleet, not count how many times their garrison goes to the bathroom. And we need to talk about your crew, Commander."

This, she knew was coming.

"Krogan? Asari? Turians?!" He shot a meaningful look at Garrus. Again Shepard reached out and grabbed his arm, afraid he might fly at the man.

"What are you thinking, Commander?" He continued. "You can't allow alien nationals free access to Alliance equipment!"

Now she'd had enough.

"Between Saren and the geth, we have enough enemies out here. Treating other species with suspicion and mistrust won't win hearts and minds!"

"That assumes," he countered. "The hearts and minds are worth winning. That hasn't been proven yet. You have anything else to say, Commander? Any other justifications for the state of this vessel?"

She sighed. "I think the Normandy is a good ship, sir. Even if you disagree, you have to see that her joint construction and multiracial crew make the Alliance look better."

"Your job as is to look good, Commander. The Alliance Navy's is to win wars." He sighed and took his cap off for a moment. He ran his fingers through his brown hair that was graying at the sides. "I'm not convinced Normandy isn't a waste of taxpayer money. But I am convinced that you believe otherwise. And you'll use it to its best ability."

The Admiral turned and faced her directly again. "I'll be submitting a report to the Joint Military Council. It will not be as negative as I had planned." He saluted her. "Good hunting, Commander Shepard. Make us proud."

He turned and walked to the elevator, he didn't even look at Garrus whom he had all but insulted.

Once the door closed Shepard released him again.

"You know I have more self-control than a child," he told her. "You don't have to hold me back."

"I know," she sighed. "I think it was more to keep me from going crazy than you."

"Humans are prone to emotional outbursts," he agreed.

"Yeah. Well at least that's over. Come on, we have a ton of parts to get."

"We?" He asked as they headed for the elevator.

"Yeah, we. I broke it. Might as well help you fix it."