A/N: Many thanks to those who left nice reviews and decided to follow this story!


She didn't know what possessed her, but she had unearthed Royce's letter, hidden in one of her Nikki Heat books, and scanned Royce's scrawl until she found what she was looking for.

It's clear what you and Castle have is real. And you're fighting it. Trust me. Putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why were alive. The last thing you want to do in your life is look back and wonder if only.

Her eyes blurred with sudden tears, the weight of what she had done shredding through her.

She crumpled up the letter and threw it at the wall in frustration. She lied to him, and then left. What was wrong with her?

The job had been a part of her for so long. Finding her mother's killer had been her motivation, her passion. A federal pass had been the golden ticket to garnering firepower to bring down the senator. It was the deep-seated need for closure that pushed her to accept DC.

But her old routines wretched themselves from their hiding places and engulfed her into the worn circle of eat, sleep, and solve. The rest of the world blurred away when her mind was set on a case, always looking for the odd sock, never taking a break. Sleepless nights and empty stomachs became her constant companions because no one told her to take a break. No one stopped her from falling headlong into the rabbit hole.

She thought of all the people throughout the years who had a part in showing her that her life was more than her grief.

Royce had shown her the ropes, bringing back a little humor into her life and the ability to find love again. But he left her. Broke her heart.

Montgomery guided her, helping her become the one who honored the victims. But he left, too.

Kev and Javi always had her back when things got rough, helping her fight in what she believed in. Lanie, her best friend, knew her darkest secrets and supported her, knocking sense into her when emotions clouded her judgment. But she left them. She hurt them, too.

And God, Castle. He was different. She pushed him away, but he always came back. He took care of her, feeding her when she didn't know she was hungry, forcing her to sleep when she hadn't noticed the time. He buoyed her spirits when a case turned tough. He stayed, and this time, she left him.

But she came back.

Because the heart wants what the heart wants. He'd taught her that. He believed in her when others didn't. He showed her magic. He squirmed, wiggled, and weaseled his way past her wall, and found a place in her world and somehow pulled her into his. Inexplicably intertwined. Damn, she loved him—the stupid, incredible fool who followed her even when she told him not to because he was there for her, always. She just wished she'd opened her eyes sooner. Before their history had become riddled with too many complications and crossed signals.

Before she left.

But so help her, she still wanted him. She wanted more. He had given her the chance, but she'd been the goddamn fool who ran. She'd broken them one too many times and didn't think she'd be able to fix it this time.

Glue and a whole lot of duct tape weren't going to cut it.

She didn't have the courage to do this. To emotionally strip herself naked and reveal the ugly parts.

No. She had killed crooks, put villains behind bars, and escaped one too many scrapes with death to back down. She could do this.

Fierce. Remarkable. Extraordinary.

Words.

Words that Castle believed in and breathed into her.

They tasted false on her tongue, as if she'd failed him.

But she wanted with all her heart for him to see those words in her again. To be his inspiration. To be the person he believed her to be. To be the one he loved.

Or loves. She hopes to God, present tense.

And she was going to fight for him. Fight for his words.


She was on her way to see him. To tell him how she felt.

In the taxi, she mulled over what she would say, how he would react, and she was discouraged by the scenes playing out in her head. If only. If only she'd stayed. If only he'd understood why she'd left. If only…

Her hand was steady as she rapped three times on the loft's door, her heart bursting and adrenaline pumping.

Light footsteps sounded their way to the door and with a quiet click, the door whooshed open, revealing a slightly mussed Alexis dressed in pajamas and toting a sloppy bun.

Alexis stared at her, mouth gaping open before composing a poker face and crossing her arms defensively.

"What are you doing here?"

Kate's palms were sweating. She hadn't been prepared for this. She had been foolish enough to think Castle would be alone. She was not ready for this conversation.

Kate cleared her throat, looking down at her hands, playing with her fingers, before meeting Alexis' judging eye.

"I-um, I wanted to talk to your father, but um-"

"I think you and my father have talked enough, Detective, or is it Special Agent, now?" Alexis sneered with obvious distaste.

"Uh, Detective, again, actually," Kate managed, discomfort evident in her tone.

Alexis dropped her protective stance and stared at her in shock.

"You're back? How long?"

"Funny. Your father asked me the same exact thing."

"You've seen my dad? He knows?"

"Yeah, um, Alexis, listen. I messed up and I just want to apologize for not only hurting your dad, but you. I forgot about your feelings as part in all of this, and I truly regret my actions. I just-"she puffed air through her cheeks in quiet frustration, "I just want to say sorry. I know that's not enough, but it's all I can give right now."

The redhead's eyebrows had skirted high in surprise and her features softened and approval emanated from the quick, faint smile she flashed the detective's way, but a quiet anger lingered in her stiff posture.

"Thank you." She nodded her head, and rubbed a hand against her arm, as if she were suddenly self-conscious. "Look. The only thing I can tell you is my dad isn't here and he probably wouldn't want to talk you anyway. I'm sorry for the way things turned out, but I think it would be better if you left my dad alone for now."

Kate's resolve was quickly dissolving at Alexis' careful, pointed statement.

Alexis seemed to sense her sudden despair and looked away embarrassed.

"Thanks Alexis," she muttered stoically and turned away, hearing the door close with a soft snick behind her. Her heart plummeted. She leaned against the wall, resigned. Alexis was probably right.

No. She'd been gone for a month and left him hanging for two. No running away. Fight.

She grimaced as she pushed herself off the wall. Where could he be?

She barely heard the faint ding of the elevator's arrival, distracted from her thoughts.

"Katherine?"

Dazed, Kate stared at Martha in wonder and before she knew it was being engulfed in a fierce hug from the actress. She returned the embrace with a warm press of her arms, but was puzzled by Martha's enthusiasm.

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"Good Lord, whatever for?"

"For leaving? For breaking your son's heart?" she rushed confusion and guilt clouding her features.

"I don't blame you for chasing your ambition, Katherine. Besides, it's not like he was trying to put a ring on your finger, right kiddo?"

And that's when it became clear to her, a horrible feeling washing through her. He hadn't told them about the proposal.

"But Martha, he was." She pulled out her necklace, the ring shimmering in the dimly-lit hall.

The actress held her surprise well, but the shock and disbelief showed in her eyes.

"Katherine, what did you do?"

And that's when her dam broke, the harrowing emotions of the day poured through, and the tears and words flew from her, unbidden.

"Martha, I don't know. I broke us. I hurt him and I regret leaving and-" she hiccupped, tears clogging her throat, "I still love him." The tears trekked down her cheeks as she wrung her hands together, looking down at her feet.

"Oh, kiddo, come here." Her arms enveloped Kate's sobbing form and hummed soothing tones into her ear.

Kate's crying subsided, and she pulled away from the embrace, pushing away tears in sudden embarrassment.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so-"

"If you say sorry one more time Katherine Beckett, I will walk away. You are a strong, independent woman. I'll admit you made a mistake, but if you still love him, then I'm sure as hell you can get him back, if that's what you want, that is."

She nodded her head vigorously, her voice lost for the moment.

"Then I strongly suggest you find him and tell him that."

"That was the plan." She smiled weakly and nervously shoved a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Good." Martha smiled warmly and nodded her head before walking to the door.

Kate, feeling lighter than she had in months, nodded back and pressed the button for the elevator.

"Good luck," she said, waving her hand with a dramatic flair before disappearing from view.

Kate stepped onto the elevator. Filled with Martha's blessing, her mind cleared.

An errant thought popped into her head, and suddenly, she had a strong feeling she knew exactly where he was.


The Old Haunt was bustling with the late night crowd, the piano playing smooth, melodious jazz as people, slightly buzzed from the good stuff, wobbled on the dance floor, trilling laughs and murmuring voices spilling from their lips.

Samuel, the night bartender, recognized her, a huge grin playing on his face as he beckoned her over with a wave of his rag.

At the bar, she leaned over, placing her elbows on the recently polished counter.

"How've you been, Sam?" she offered politely, flashing him a ready smile.

"Good. Great! Where ya been? The boss seems mighty sad these days. Thought you mighta given him the boot."

"That about sums it up."

"Nah, you guys were great, what happened? If ya don't mind my pryin'?"

She gave him a wry smile, but settled down to sit. Something about his inviting nature and harmonic Irish cadence warmed her into opening up to him.

"Well, it's a long story, but I accepted a job down in DC, working with the Feds-"

"The Feds? That don't sound like no fun miss."

"They have really cool gadgets."

Sam bellowed with laughter. "Can't argue that."

She chuckled lightly. "Well, yeah, that was fun. But the rest of it wasn't. It just didn't feel right. I missed everyone."

"Aw, did ya miss me, darlin'?"

"How could I not?"

Sam chortled and flicked her shoulders with his rag.

"Stop 'ur teasin'."

She smiled.

"Thanks Sam."

"Anytime, darlin'. Hey, whatchya doin' here anyhow?"

"To find Rick, actually. Have you seen him lately? I wanted to talk to him."

Sam gave her a knowing look.

"I think I saw him slip to the basement earlier. Hasn't come out since."

"Thank you."

"I hope I'll see ya 'round more often miss."

"Me too, Sam. " He flashed her a wink and continued wiping down glasses before a customer stole his attention.

She maneuvered her way through the pulsing crowd to the basement door and noiselessly turned the secret light switch. The concealed door slid to the side with a slight creak, and she took a tentative step down the steep stairs leading down to the office. With a soft click the door closed behind her, causing her to jump a little.

"Castle?" she called out softly, not spotting him for her perch on the stairs.

"Who's there?" his muffled voice returned.

She flitted down the rest of the steps and quickly stopped as she saw him slumped over on his desk, the rest of him askew in his favorite poofy desk chair.

"It's me."

His head lifted slowly from his arm pillow and found her.

"You shouldn't be here," he said, his tone ice-cold.

"I know."

His face flashed with surprise, but he covered it quickly and stood up, stepping around the desk. He leaned against the corner, crossing his arms, reminiscent of his angry daughter.

"Well, what are you doing here?" he asked, his voice loaded with burning frustration.

"To fight."

"To fight? Well, I'm pretty pissed, so-"

"No, I mean fight for you."

He stilled.

"What?"

"I'm here to apologize. To say I regret everything and I made a mistake and-" she paused, gauging his reaction, his face clean of any emotion, " I miss you."

"You miss me?" he scoffed. "Sure have a funny way of showing it," he muttered.

"Hey! You know, you could've picked up the phone, too! This isn't all on me," she shouted, his boyish sneering sparking her sudden anger.

He pushed off the desk and took a few steps towards her. "No. You're right. This is my entire fault. Like always. I'm the one who screwed up. I'm so sorry, Beckett," he spat sarcastically.

It was as if he'd slapped her across the face and punched her in the gut.

"Castle, stop," she pleaded, tears crowding her eyes. "What happened to us? We hurt each other by not talking in the first place and then we messed up again with another silent summer. I don't want any more of those. Do you?" she challenged, slightly breathless.

He seemed startled, his anger forgotten, resignation washing his features.

"No, I don't. But I also can't do this right now. I need some time to think."

She nodded, looking away to hide the tears that had spilled over, his rejection cracking her tight resolve.

His voice softened, "Kate, look at me."

She glanced back at him, curious, brushing away the drops staining her cheeks.

"I'm glad you came to apologize, but I'm hurt and being around you hurts right now," he expressed honestly, "and I just need time, ok?"

"How much time?" she asked, playing the echo of his own words.

"I don't know. Just time to process everything."

"Sure." She turned to leave.

"Kate, wait." She stopped, bewilderment showing on her face. "Why did you come back?"

"The heart wants what the hearts wants," she replied, knowing he would understand the depth of those words. "And I missed the coffee," she added quickly, hoping she could sneak a smile from him.

"Yeah," he replied, granting her with a small smile, but his eyes were unsure.

"What?" she prodded carefully.

"It's just—well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, why now? Why didn't you tell me you came back? Why wait two months? Why keep it a secret?"

It still hit her in the chest with an ache. The fact that she was a coward and selfish, and unable to push past the instinct of running away.

"I was scared, Castle. I'd given up everything we had because this job seemed like where my life had been heading for so many years. The job was all I knew before you came along, but it doesn't justify the fact that I wasn't brave enough to pick up the phone and call you. I didn't let the boys tell you because I was selfish, and I was hiding in my fears," she paused, sucking in a breath.

"I came back for you, Castle. But I just didn't think you'd want me to," she finished, trying to fight back the sudden push of tears.

Shock flared in his expression, her honest admission startling him. The anger in his eyes dimmed, a softer, unreadable one shining through.

"You threw a book at me," he finally replied.

"What?" she asked, relief and confusion swirling in her gut.

"The last time at the loft. When we fought and you left, you threw a book at me," he answered calmly, a small smile starting to form at the corner of his mouth.

She covered her fingers over her mouth, remembering suddenly. "Oh, I did, didn't I?" she said, laughter bubbling up her throat.

"Yup, straight at my head. Left a little scar as a friendly reminder," he said, almost chuckling at the thought.

She pressed her lips into a self-deprecating smile, warmth unfurling in her chest. For a moment, it felt like them again.

His eyes twinkled, and her heart surged out of her chest, inflating with hope. But it disappeared as his expression changed, growing serious.

"Kate, I know you. I know you have a wall inside of you. You don't let people in, not even the people that love you," he said, pain shuttering in his eyes, "I had to scratch and claw just to get past it, and you still didn't completely trust me," he said brokenly.

It felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs, and she couldn't breath.

"Castle, I trust you with my life."

"What about your heart, Kate?" He looked at her, the hurt in his eyes almost swallowing her whole.

"You're the only one I ever trusted it with," she said, barely whispering, her heart breaking open.

His eyes softened, but he still looked lost. As if he didn't know how to respond. As if he didn't love her anymore.

"Kate, you should go," he said hoarsely.

She felt a stab in her chest, her heart cleaving in two.

"Castle, I-"

"I need some space, Beckett."

The slap of her surname silenced her, and she nodded her head. She bit her lip in an attempt to stem the flow of tears slipping from the corner of her eyes.

It was over. She turned to leave, drained and empty.

At the top of the stairs, she glanced back and caught him looking at her, a sad smile flitting at his mouth.

"I'm not done fighting for you, Castle. But I'll wait," she promised.

"Bye, Kate."

Kate. Hope flickered in her chest.

"Bye, Castle."

She pushed through the hidden door, slipping into the empty hallway.

He just needed some space and time. She could do that. She took a deep breath, calming herself, the tears finally abating.

She'd wait.


A/N: TBC…