Beckett threw back a shot of vodka and slammed the glass down on the bar counter victoriously.

"And that's what I like to call the Quick Draw," she said to Lanie who looked at her, concerned and amused.

"Three shots in under a minute is more like a quick death," Lanie said, shaking her head and taking a sip of her Cosmo.

Beckett motioned at the bartender for another shot.

Lanie's eyebrows skyrocketed. "Another one? What has gotten into you tonight?"

"Tough case."

"If I didn't know you better, which I do, I'd say this has everything to do with Castle and nothing to do with a case."

Beckett narrowed her gaze at Lanie. "I don't want to talk about it."

"No, you just want to destroy your liver. But I'm not going to let you because I don't want to be the one looking at your body in the morning. So spill."

Beckett sighed, carding a hand through her hair.

"Castle came to the precinct today."

"I hadn't heard," Lanie said, feigning innocence.

Beckett gave her a look.

Lanie smirked. "Javi texted me live updates. He also mentioned you guys slipped into the Observation room for a little bit and that you looked a little mussed afterward."

"He did not say 'mussed'," Beckett scoffed.

"I'm paraphrasing but that doesn't matter. What happened? Are you guys getting back together?"

The bartender interrupted for a moment and brought Beckett her new shot which she quickly knocked it back. She wiped her mouth and set the glass down, fingering the edges absentmindedly.

"That's what I was trying to do, but I hurt him too much. He says he needs space," she said.

"Oh, honey."

"And I want to give him space, I do. I mean, god knows he's given me mine in the past, but I'm afraid of losing him."

"I watched that man follow you around for five years, Kate Beckett. You're not going to lose him," said Lanie.

"But I messed up, Lanie. Really bad. I don't know what to do."

"You keep showing up just like he did for all these years."

"I love him so much," Beckett whined, dropping her head onto the bar counter.

"And I see the Quick Draw is finally hitting you," Lanie said, rubbing a hand across her friend's back.

"I shouldn't have gone to D.C., and I should've said yes when he proposed. I should've-"

"Hey, you can't spiral into 'I should haves' and 'what ifs,' okay? And I think I should get you home now. You look a little green. When was the last time we went out for drinks like this?" Lanie asked, trying to catch the bartender's attention for the bill.

"Three months ago?" Beckett guessed, twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers as she snuck a sip of Lanie's Cosmo with her free hand.

"Kate Beckett put that drink down," Lanie said sternly, slapping her hands away from the Cosmo. "Don't make me call in reinforcements."

Beckett shook her head vigorously, trying not to giggle.

"Have you eaten at all today?"

Beckett shrugged, reaching for a cherry behind the bar and popping it into her mouth.

"I'll take that as a no," said Lanie.

Instead of responding, Beckett plucked the cherry stem from her mouth and presented it to Lanie proudly.

"Ta-da!"

"I'm getting us a cab."


She woke up with a terrible headache. Oh, god. What did she do last night? She didn't remember changing into her pajamas. Lanie must've brought her home. She rubbed her face, lights bursting in front of her eyes. She reached for her cell on her nightstand and sent a quick thank you text to her friend. She got up to get ready for work but felt a wave of nausea from standing up too quickly. It was going to be a long day.

Coffee. Crime scene. Interrogation. Murder board. Coffee. Suspect. Paperwork. Coffee.

She felt mechanical, going through the motions of the day, like someone else was controlling her body. It didn't help that she barely ate and was coasting in a caffeine-induced haze compounded by a hangover.

"Hey, I re-interviewed the ex-wife. She didn't know anything about the money laundering or the shell company," said Ryan.

"Beckett?" he called out again.

"Hmm?" she said, finally looking up from her screen.

"Hey, you ok?" asked Ryan.

"'M fine," she replied.

He gave her another once-over. "Have you eaten today?"

"I had a power bar for lunch, Mom. Thanks for asking," she said.

"It's 5 pm," he said.

Her stomach growled loudly.

"We have Chinese take-out in the conference room if you want to join," he added.

Not eating wasn't going to magically bring him back.

"I'll be there in a minute," she said, and Ryan nodded.


Her breath was coming in short pants as she pulled to a stop at the corner. Running early in the morning was a new ritual. One that had stemmed from restless late nights. She'd managed four hours before she grabbed her running shoes and slipped out the door.

She glanced at her watch. 4:14 a.m. blinked back at her. At least it was later than last time she thought with a sigh.

Running helped clear her mind. To push out the crowded thoughts. Thoughts of him.

Regaining her breath, she started to jog again, crossing over Canal Street onto Lafayette, slapping her feet against the pavement in a steady rhythm.

It had been a week since they'd talked, and she was scared. Scared that she was waiting for someone who didn't want her to wait.

She picked up her pace, opening up her stride as she ran down the block, focusing on the sound of her breath and the beat of her feet.

A stitch started to form in her side, pulling at her lungs, so she slowed down. She stopped near a lamp post, leaning against it for support as she tried to control her breathing. She stretched her arms out, pulling at the tense muscle, the release zipping through her system. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath to calm her racing pulse.

"Kate?"

Her eyes flew open, and she saw the man she couldn't stop thinking about standing in front of her, soaked in sweat.

"Castle? You—what? What are you doing here?"

"I live here," he said, motioning to the street sign. Broome Street and Crosby. Oh. Right.

"And I couldn't sleep," he finished, looking distracted.

"Me, neither," she replied, flashing him a sympathetic smile. It was unlike him to be up so early, or on a run, for that matter. She'd tried to take him on some runs while they were dating but it was not willing on his part. Though he certainly hadn't minded the mind-blowing sex afterward.

"Right," he finished awkwardly, the air suddenly stiff and tense between them."So, I'm gonna—" he said abruptly, pointing towards the loft.

She nodded dumbly and he gave her a small smile.

He turned to leave.

"Castle, wait," she said.

"Yeah?"

Her heart was beating out of her chest. His face was blank.

"Can we talk?"

His eyes blinked in surprise.

"I don't think that's a good idea," he said, hedging.

She was pushing him. She noticed the smudges of purple painted under his eyes. Clearing her throat, she mustered up a polite smile.

"Well, it was nice to see you," she said, moving to cross the street.

He sighed.

"Kate, stop."

She stilled.

"You really want to know why I'm running at this ungodly hour?"

Before she could open her mouth to reply, he answered, "Because I can't stop thinking about what you said. Because I can't get you out of my goddamn head, Kate."

She flinched, his frustration hitting her in the gut. She was doing this to him. When would she stop hurting him?

"I meant what I said," she said softly.

"No," he shot back, "You don't get to waltz back into my life and say you love and miss me. You have no right, Kate. You—"

He looked at her, his gaze filled with a crippling sadness that weakened her at the knees.

"You broke my heart."

"Castle," she said, breathless. Tears clogged her throat.

"And you just can't seem to stop," he said quietly.

A tear slipped from the corner of her eye.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice breaking. "I don't want to keep hurting you." She curled her hand around his bicep, needing to touch him as if to convince him of what she was saying. "You're worth fighting for, and I'm not about to give up," she said, moving her hand to his cheek.

Castle was silent, his face unreadable.

"When I proposed, you said, 'Not like this.' And those words were stuck in my head for months. Not like this," he said. He gripped her wrist, peeling her fingers away. She dropped her hand away, burned.

Her whole body felt shaky.

"I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much at first. But then I realized, it was because you didn't love me enough. I wanted to be with you, but you chose yourself."

It felt like someone had smacked her with a sledgehammer.

"Is that what you really think? That I don't love you enough?"

He didn't respond.

"Castle, I said that because I wanted your proposal to come from a place of joy. Not…"

"Like that?" he said wryly.

She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stop a delirious laugh from escaping.

"You're right," she said slowly, "I was being selfish."

She took a step toward him.

"But you don't get to tell me how I feel about you," she said softly, bringing her hands to bookend his cheeks. "You...you are the love of my life. Everything hurts when I'm not with you."

He shivered, at her words or touch, she didn't know. She searched his eyes and found a storm of blue looking back at her, swallowing her whole.

"It hurts so much," he whispered.

She nodded, pressing her forehead to his, her hands stroking.

"I know."

"Make it stop," he pleaded.

That's when she pressed her lips against his, her hands winding around his neck. She poured herself into the kiss, opening herself to him. Letting words fall away.

The blare of a car horn broke them apart, chests heaving. He met her eyes, everything flaring in his gaze. Without speaking, he took her hand and tugged her around the corner into the lobby of his building.

She squeezed his hand in the ride up the elevator and crowded his back as he opened his front door, her skin humming and vibrating for him. He spun her when they entered, pushing her up against the door. She could barely breathe, the weight of the moment settling heavily between them.

She thought of rain and first times. When everything was possible. She captured his fingers with hers, gently pulling him to his room, taking the lead again. It was like stepping into the past, their bodies coming together like a snap of uncoiled tension.

And then the world slowed and it was just them. They rediscovered each other, every kiss and touch, an ache waiting to be filled. She reclaimed him with unspoken apologies and every nerve in her body was overwhelmed with him as he granted her release. They got lost together until they found each other again and again.


Beckett laid her head on his chest after, their bodies slicked with sweat and tangled in sheets.

"We should have make-up sex more often," he said. She smiled into his skin.

But it was like he was covering up what he really wanted to say.

She looked up at him.

"Something's bothering you."

He let out a sigh, tucking strands of her hair behind her ear as he gathered his words.

"I've been talking to someone."

Her brows quirked. "A therapist?"

"No, an old friend. She's going through her own relationship issues."

"She?"

"Kyra Blaine."

"Your ex-girlfriend from college?"

"She and Greg are separated."

She felt as if he'd punched her in the face, knocking out all her teeth.

"Oh."

"She lives in California now. I ran into her over the summer when she was visiting and we started talking."

She looked away, an odd feeling churning in her gut.

He tipped her chin up to meet his gaze. "Over the phone. Nothing happened," he said softly.

"I don't own you, Castle. And I don't pretend to control your actions when we're broken up. We're adults."

"Right, I just didn't want you to think—"

"Hmm?"

"That I was betraying you."

She kissed him thoroughly for that, the odd feeling dissipating.

"But Kyra told me that she and Greg fought all the time, throwing things from the pasts into each other's faces." He traced a circle over her knuckles. "Kate, I don't want to do that with you. Kyra said she couldn't forgive Greg, but…" He looked at her. "I hope you can forgive me."

"Forgive you? For what?"

"For putting all the blame on you. I lived in my rage for so long, I forgot what I was really mad about, which was losing you."

She feathered her fingers up his jaw. "Can you forgive me for leaving?"

He caught her fingers and planted a kiss on the palm of her hand.

"You came back."

"Castle."

"Yes, I forgive you," he said, a twinkle sparking in his eye.

Relief flooded through her, a weight lifting from her chest. She kissed him, deepening it and letting the sheets fall away.


She woke up a couple of hours later, sunshine filtering through the shades. Castle's jaw was slack in sleep, his face unlined and peaceful. His hair was stuck up in the back and her heart skipped a beat at the sight. He was adorable and he was hers. She couldn't remember the last time she slept so well. Or felt sore in all the right places.

Brushing her lips against his cheek, she rolled out of bed and walked quietly to his drawer to steal one of his shirts. She paused as she pulled her necklace over the fabric, the two rings tinkling together. Tugging it over her head, Beckett unclasped it. She unslung his ring and placed it on the nightstand.

She quietly traipsed into the kitchen even though Castle said Martha and Alexis were in the Hamptons for the weekend. She hummed as the coffee maker whirred to life. Her fingers worked around an orange from the fruit bowl, carefully peeling the skin. She popped a slice into her mouth and searched the cabinets for cups. Her eyes landed on a blue one, much like the one he gave to her as an anniversary gift. She picked it up and smoothed her fingers around the ceramic, inspecting it, thinking of everything that had changed. How different she felt than when she first moved back to the city.

The coffee maker beeped so she grabbed another cup, a welcoming red one, and filled the two up, adding nutmeg, cream, and sugar into his coffee.

She cradled both cups and carefully walked back into the bedroom. He stirred when she sat on his side of the bed and called out his name softly.

His hands smudged against his eyes as he blinked awake. She leaned in to give him a kiss and he grinned.

"You taste like oranges."

"I have coffee," she said, grabbing his cup from the nightstand.

"You didn't have to do that," he said sleepily.

"I figured I owe you a couple."

He sat up, glancing her over and reached for the mug, their fingers brushing together.

"Are you trying to seduce me again?"

She laughed, a lightness she hadn't felt in a while spreading through her. Her Castle was back. He took a sip from the mug, a smirk blooming across his lips.

"This is good, did you put nutmeg in this?" he asked. She nodded. He set the coffee down after a moment and let his gaze travel over her, taking her in. His eye caught on her necklace and his brows pinched together.

"Where's…" he said, trailing off when she picked up the missing ring from the nightstand.

"I wanted to give you this," she said, opening his hand and placing it in his palm.

"Kate, I thought…"

"Because I want it back," she interrupted. "When you're ready."

The shadow passing over his face brightened with understanding.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"More than I've ever been," she said. She skimmed her finger over the ring, thinking. "You remember when you asked me out that first time? After the Tisdale case?"

"I was such an ass."

A grin flitted around her mouth as she trained her gaze on him.

"I wanted to say yes."

He stayed silent, in awe.

"I wanted you," she revealed. "But I told myself I wasn't ready. It was something that I kept telling myself even when wanting you became loving you. And then there was this little voice in the back of my head growing louder every day saying that I didn't deserve you. That I didn't deserve to be happy." She took a shuddering breath. "I regret listening to that voice. For letting it talk louder than my heart."

"Thank you," Castle said hoarsely, his eyes shining.

"I'm sorry for—"

"Shh," he murmured. He leaned his forehead against hers, cutting her off as his nose feathered her own. He touched his lips against her in the softest of touches. It took her breath away.

He hovered his mouth by her ear as if he were telling her a secret and whispered, "You're the love of my life, too."


Later, she laid on her stomach as Castle traced mindless patterns on her back.

"There was a guy in D.C."

His hand paused on her spine.

"Nothing happened," she said quickly, shifting to face him. "He was on my team. He wanted to get a drink with me but I turned him down. So one time he brought a bottle of wine to work and asked if I wanted to go into interrogation, turn the cameras off and debrief each other."

"That's my line!" he protested.

Beckett let out a self-deprecating laugh.

"And that's why I started crying."

"You what?"

"I cried and cried because he made me think of you. I was trying not to miss you but it was getting too hard. It was like he broke open this dam. He thought I lost my mind and transferred teams the next day."

"You're kidding," he said, dumbstruck.

"I think I scared him off," she said, chuckling.

"I'm sorry, I'm still wrapping my head around the image of you crying in front of a co-worker."

She punched him lightly on his shoulder and he snared his arms around her.

"Castle!" She cried out as he left biting kisses down her neck. "Stop that!" she gasped when he reached her jaw. He broke away and grinned at her, his hair tousled boyishly. She swept her thumb across his cheek, memorizing his face.

"I wish we could get that time back," she said quietly.

He bent down and kissed her soundly. "It's behind us now."

She shook her head. "I want to show you something."

She dug for her phone in her running clothes and thumbed the screen before handing it to him. He glanced at her.

"What's this?"

She took a deep breath.

"Emails. Well, drafts of them anyway."

She watched nervously as he scrolled through the messages she wrote to him while she was in DC. All the little notes and half-thoughts she wrote down whenever she wanted to call or text him but didn't have the strength.

"Kate," he said, finding her eyes as his voice filled with emotion. "I wanted to call so many times. But I didn't think you would pick up."

"Hey," she said, quieting him. "I'm sorry I never pressed send."

Her phone started buzzing.

"Precinct," he said, presenting it to her.

"I'm not on call."

"Then it's really important, right?"

"I don't need to answer it."

"Kate, you don't need to sacrifice your job for me."

She stilled, overcome with gratitude.

"I love you," she said, kissing him and slipping her phone from his hands.

"Becket," she answered. She nodded as Castle dotted soft kisses down her neck and collarbone. She gasped slightly when he reached her breast.

"Espo, I'll be there in an hour."

She quickly hung up and threw her phone on the bed as Castle continued his path further down.

"They got a break in the case. They're picking up our suspect, and—" Castle reached her thigh. "I have to go," she said on a moan.

"You said an hour," he pouted, looking up at her.

"I have to go back to my place, shower, and get new clothes," she said, grabbing for her running outfit.

"You still have stuff here. I, uh, didn't have the heart to get rid of it and you never exactly came by to pick up what you left behind," he said, his face flashing with embarrassment.

"I've been carrying a box of your stuff around since I left," she confessed, "So I think that makes us even."

He lit up as she climbed out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. She glanced over her shoulder.

"Are you coming?" she asked, raising her brow.

He grinned.

"Always."