Hello there. Thank you again for your reviews. It's always nice to receive them to get feedback! Before I start this chapter, I'm just going to mention something. Honey will not exist in this story, and nor will Taylor. There will be own characters popping up, though. Also, this story will have quite a few mentions of self-harm, suicide and depression. If you are triggered by either three, please don't read this story. Considering I soon go back to school, I've decided to get rid of my updating schedule because I have my GCSEs this year and they really do take priority, so I don't want to have an update schedule to try and stick to. It also means there might be long waits in between chapters, but I'll try to update as regularly as I can. Sorry! On with the fourth (pretty long) chapter!
Shattered: Chapter 3
"I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing." ― D.D. Barant, Dying Bites
Sunday, 05 October 2014
Ethan couldn't sleep that night. He would've tossed and turned but in his current situation, moving hurt quite a lot. He was just lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, hearing the steady beep of his own heart monitor beside him, an oxygen mask over his face, and a dull ache on his left side. He wished it would all stop; the pain, the constant beeping, the haunting thoughts, the guilt. It was his fault that such a beloved doctor had died. He should have done more, he was driving that van. He should have known where to go, he should have looked properly for any oncoming cars, he should have made sure the paramedics got Ash out first. He should have died instead. No, he wasn't going to go there. That was the old Ethan, the stupid one, the one who didn't know any better. But, he still couldn't get rid of the guilt that was eating away inside him; that was tearing him apart. One thing was for certain, he needed to know how Ash died and he needed to put it right.
Ethan must have been awake for most the night, only dropping off occasionally. Every time he did doze of, he was jolted awake by dreams of the crash. His muscles tensed and he moved on the bed, making him cry out in pain a few times. A nurse would rush into the room but Ethan would brush them off and say it was a nightmare. They would leave and Ethan would be tasked with trying to forget about what had happened. He definitely didn't though. No matter how many times he tried to think of something good, guilt would plague his mind. He just wanted it to stop.
Cal came up from his shift to visit Ethan, and was surprised to find him wide-awake. It was only nine in the morning and Cal guessed his little brother would be sleeping. He'd had a day of it yesterday. "Hey, Ethan." Cal whispered so he wouldn't startle him. He saw Ethan turn his head towards him. "How're you feeling?" He enquired. Cal saw Ethan take off the oxygen mask weakly.
"Never better." Ethan responded hoarsely, smiling slightly. "Do you mind if I ask you something?"
"Shoot," said Cal, taking a seat next to his little brother.
Ethan knew he had to approach this carefully. "How did... how did Ash die?" He noticed Cal shake his head and stay silent. "Cal, please... I need to know..." Ethan begged, voice becoming quieter as the strain of talking started to catch up on him.
"Maybe later, Ethan. I've got to get back to work." Cal brushed off, standing up. Ethan looked at him, pleading for him to stay. "I can't Ethan. I'm on shift." Ethan turned his head away and shut his eyes. He heard the door click shut and he was alone- something he really didn't want right now. Being alone with his thoughts was driving him mad. If he could walk- stand even- he would get out of the hospital and go home. Somewhere Cal would be able to distract him.
Cal felt bad leaving Ethan alone after spending such little time with him. He'd spent all of twenty seconds with Ethan, but Ethan would continue to ask how Ash died and Cal didn't really want to give him an answer when he was in such a vulnerable state. It would only hurt him more. When Ethan was more recovered, more able to take in the brutal way a colleague had died- then Cal would tell him. He made his way down to the ED and stood, absent-minded, in reception, thinking about how he would tell Ethan the way in which Ash died. He would need to word it correctly, he would need to be as sensitive as possible-
"-how is he?" Lofty appeared behind Cal, breaking him out of his thoughts.
Cal nodded, "he's good, yeah. He's alright." Cal didn't really know. He hadn't spent long with him just then, or the day before.
"Look, Cal... can I talk to you about something?" Lofty hesitantly asked. Cal looked confused. "It'll only take a minute. In private, though."
Cal agreed, but he had no idea what Lofty wanted him for. He sounded apprehensive, and Cal ran through hundreds of possible thoughts in his head about what could be so important about what Lofty wanted to say. Cal followed Lofty to the staff room and watched Lofty nervously bite his lip as he started to speak.
"When we were treating Ethan yesterday... I..." Lofty stopped, unsure of how to approach this situation. He'd seen something, something that worried him. He'd noticed pale and somewhat faded marks on Ethan's arms. Originally, he didn't think anything of them. Maybe he'd fallen over into a rose bush as a kid, or something. Then, out of pure curiosity over what could have caused them, he picked up Ethan's hospital notes and flicked through them. Two words stood out as he skimmed through everything. Attempted suicide. That made him hastily put down the notes and make sure no one else could see them or read them. Lofty even went to the extent to make sure no one else picked them up and read through them. He wasn't sure whether he was seeing things or not, but it would do better talking to Cal instead of digging deeper by himself.
"Spit it out, Lofty." Cal chuckled.
"I saw something... on, er, on his arms." Cal's eyes widened and he stepped back out of shock. He thought no one noticed. He thought it would stay a secret. "And then... I looked... well... I didn't mean to look... but in his hospital notes-"
"-what did you see?" He whispered, voice cracking under the strain of emotion.
Lofty drew in a deep breath and said, "attempted suicide."
Cal nearly fell onto the sofa as his legs felt too weak to hold him any longer. "Oh God..." He felt Lofty sit down beside him, but all Cal cared about was making sure Lofty kept silent. Ethan and Cal had kept this secret silent for twelve years. It was safe in the ground, deep down and pushed to the back of their memories- hopefully never to be unearthed ever again. But then this happened. Someone else knew, oh Jesus, someone else knew. Someone they worked with. "Please don't tell anyone." Cal muttered to the nurse. "Or Ethan. Don't tell him you know. Please," he all but begged.
"I won't. I swear it." Lofty intended to keep to that promise. He was not in the habit of gossiping. "You don't have to answer, but... but what happened?" Lofty saw tears gathering in the corners of Cal's eyes and knew how hard it must be for him. "It's okay, forget I asked." Lofty brushed off, making to stand up.
Cal stopped him walking off. It was true, he'd kept this to himself for twelve years. Neither he nor his brother had told their mother- the doctors always did that. Maybe the weight Cal felt he carried could be lifted by telling someone. Someone who could help if something goes wrong again. Maybe all Cal needed to do is tell someone. "No, no. I'll tell you..." Cal said after a few moment's silence. He inhaled deeply and started to re-live the most painful memories of his childhood. "I don't know when it all started... around 1998 I think... but I only knew in 2000... I was 17, so Ethan must have been around 15..."
"Come on, Ethan!" Caleb called up the stairs to his younger brother. "We have to go!" Typical Ethan, taking his time. They were going to their local park. Periodically, they would visit it. Cal liked the serenity the park always held- it was somewhere to escape too. In amongst the trees and the grass. Not that he ever told anyone this. Instead, he told them he was only going to look after his younger brother. He knew Ethan liked the park too- for the exact same reasons.
Minutes passed and Ethan wasn't downstairs. "Come on! How long does it take for you to do your hair?!" Cal joked. There was still no sound and Cal started to get worried. Worried because there had been no sound coming from upstairs in the last fifteen minutes. Had something happened? "Ethan, you alright?" He called. Nothing.
Cal slowly started ascending the stairs, listening out for any movement or any reply from his brother. There wasn't anything. It was just... silent. It was a deafening silence that filled upstairs. "Ethan... say something to me, Ethan!" He shouted as he reached the top of the staircase. There was nothing to indicate Ethan was even upstairs. Nothing but the sound of raspy breaths that could only be coming from one person.
Cal darted into Ethan's room, but he wasn't in there. His bed looked slept in, but he wasn't in there. Then he knocked on the bathroom door- where he now discovered the raspy breaths were coming from. "Ethan? Are you in there?" No answer, yet again. "Ethan, please!" Cal had tears coming out of the corners of his eyes as a million different scenarios raced through his head. He wished his mother was home, but she had to pop into work. He needed his mother right now. "Ethan, I'm going to break this door down if you don't let me in," he warned, in hope that Ethan would open it. Still nothing.
Cal tensed him muscles and slammed into the door with his shoulder. He felt the door vibrate and his shoulder hurt, but the door didn't budge. He did it again, sure to get a bruise in the morning- but the door didn't even show signs of opening. Then, Cal had a brainwave- he almost slapped himself. There were much easier ways of getting in.
He scrambled around in his room, looking for a stray coin. He wished he was more like Ethan and kept his money in a safe place; rather than in random trouser pockets or in his sock draw or just on the floor. He looked for a good few minutes before finding a 2p coin. He tossed up and down it in his hand out of relief and raced to the bathroom door again. He put it in the lock and carefully turned it. He heard the lock click and he knew the door was unlocked. He dropped the coin in his pocket and slowly grasped the handle, opening the door.
Cal fell to his knees when he saw his brother. He was pale-faced, a knife in his outstretched hand. A bloody knife. He had a deep cut on his right arm which was bleeding heavily. It overlapped many- too many to count- cuts that Cal could tell had been self-inflicted. There were cuts on his left arm too, but not any as deep as the one on his right. It made Cal sit in mute shock. His brother was dying right before his eyes. Cal knew Ethan was trying to end his own life, he could very well tell. But that didn't make him act any faster.
Cal wasn't a doctor, he didn't know what to do. He should probably call an ambulance but he didn't want to leave Ethan. Then he thought again, Ethan wasn't exactly going anywhere. Cal stood up shakily and ran downstairs to the land-line phone. He dialed the most important number to him right now, 999.
"Emergency services, what service do you require?" Came the voice on the end of the phone.
"Er...I need an ambulance, please!" Cal spoke frantically, constantly thinking of what could have possessed Ethan to do such a thing.
"Okay, just stay calm and I'll connect you to another person." The operator said, doing just that.
"Hello?" Someone entirely different asked.
"Please help me! It's my little brother!" Cal replied. "I think... I think he's dying!"
"Okay, just try and stay calm. What's your name?" It was a female voice, a calm one that Cal found he quite liked. He needed a calming voice right now.
"Cal... my name's Cal."
"Okay, Cal, where are you? What's your location?"
Cal didn't have the best memory, he sometimes forgot the number of his own house. Now was not the time for that, and he wracked his memory. "Er... 16 Stanley Street- near the Farmead Estate in Holby."
"Okay, the ambulance is on it's way but I need you to carry on talking to me. How old is your brother?"
"15, Ethan's 15. He's only 15." Cal's voice cracked from emotion. His little brother was only 15 and, yet, he tried to end his own life. 'I won't let you, Ethan. No way.' Cal told himself in his head.
"Can you tell me what happened, Cal?"
"He has a cut on his arm... I think he was trying to kill himself... you have to help him, please!"
"The ambulance will be there shortly, just stay on the line. How old are you, Cal?"
"I'm 17."
"Okay, is your brother conscious and breathing?"
Cal almost forgot about the fact he had just left his brother. Alone. Bleeding. "He was breathing... but he wasn't awake... but I had to come downstairs to use the phone..."
"Where's your brother?"
"He's in the bathroom upstairs... I didn't want to leave him... but I had to..." He explained.
"Okay, don't hang up, just go upstairs and check on your brother, alright? Check if he's breathing and conscious still, Cal."
Cal left the phone dangling and ran back upstairs. He looked at his brother like he'd only just discovered him again. He fell to his brother's side and checked his breathing. A wash of relief came over him as Ethan was still breathing- yet it sounded worse than before. He shook Ethan's shoulders but his little brother didn't rouse. "Please, Ethan. Wake up, for me." Cal pleaded, but nothing happened. He remembered the operator on the phone and ran back downstairs. "He's breathing but he's not awake... there's so much blood... I don't want to leave him alone..."
"The ambulance should arrive soon, but I need you to keep calm, alright?" She said.
All Cal wanted was to hold his brother close. To tell him everything would be okay. All he wanted was for Ethan to open his eyes and say it was a mistake. All he wanted was Ethan. "Yeah... should I bring him down here... then he won't be alone-"
"-don't move him, Cal. Just leave him where he is for now."
Cal wanted to disagree, but knew she was probably right. She was older and wiser. Then, Cal heard a knock on the front door, and he heard someone shout, "ambulance service!"
"The ambulance is here." Cal told the operator, filled with a sense of relief.
"Okay, Cal. Open the door okay, and tell them everything you know."
"Yeah, okay, thank you." He heard the operator hand up and Cal immediately ran to the door and opened it, not really believing he was in this situation.
Lofty watched as tears slowly made their way down Cal's cheeks and Cal trembled. Cal wiped them away hastily. "I'm sorry..."
"You don't need to apoligise, Cal. It must have been very hard for you." Cal nodded, feeling his heart hurt as he recalled that day.
"It's just... hard." Cal described. "I've never really spoken about it before. It's never really been brought up."
"You don't have to carry on, but what happened afterwards?"
"He was okay, I guess. I mean, he told me that he'd been... well... cutting-" Cal shuddered, "-for two years. He told me he would stop. He didn't. I didn't know much about anything back then, so I thought he wouldn't do it and it would be as easy as pie." Cal laughed slightly, more tears making his way down his cheeks. "It took seven months for him to break again. He took an overdose of tablets. He struggled against everything and everyone and I had to watch my own brother being sedated..." Cal's voice trailed off as he recalled what happened.
"No! Get off of me, please!" Ethan begged while in hospital, trying to get out of the grip of the hands restraining him. "Please, you have to leave me alone," cried Ethan, tears streaming down his face. "I'm begging you to leave me alone, it's my choice, you have to leave me to die!"
Cal stood back, away from Ethan's line of sight like the doctor instructed him to. He said it would help Ethan be calm, but Ethan was anything but calm right now. He could hear Ethan's wailed pleas for them to let him die, but Cal had faith in the medical staff treating his brother that they wouldn't let his little brother die. Cal noticed new cuts on Ethan's arms, and it physically hurt him to know what was happening to Ethan.
"Please..." Cal heard Ethan plead, "I can't live... I don't want to be alive! You have to let me die..." Cal then drew his attention over to one of the doctors holding Ethan down.
"Sedation?" He asked. Another doctor nodded in agreement. Cal wanted to tell them not to. Cal wanted to tell them to help Ethan without sedating him, but he knew it was for the best.
He watched the scene play out before him. He watched as they sedated Ethan, he watched as Ethan's struggling died down until Ethan was peacefully under the influence of the sedative and wasn't fighting anymore.
Cal felt a hand on his knee and he was brought back to the present. "Sorry... I've never really thought about it again."
Lofty shook his head in dismissal. "I understand. Do you want to stop?"
Now it was Cal's turn to shake his head. He was right, telling someone about it made him feel better after all these years. All he needed was a friend to listen. He knew Lofty would support him if anything bad happened again- not that Cal was expecting it to. "He, er, got diagnosed with depression- clinical depression." He heard Lofty gasp in shock.
"Was he given anything to help?"
"Anti-depressants." Cal answered simply, before continuing, "just over a year later, in 2002, he tried again; with the medication he was on. It was horrible. He promised me never again, and I didn't believe him, but that was the last time. He was still...cut-cutting, but it decreased. In- I think- 2003, he came to me. He was 18, and he came to me saying he wanted to do it. He said he wouldn't. We sat together and that was the last time it was ever brought up. I mean, I left home soon after- when I was convinced Ethan was okay. But, he's been fine ever since."
Lofty smiled. "That's good, Cal. That's really good. If he's better, if he's been better for the past 12 years, it's really fantastic." Lofty spoke reassuringly, Cal nodded- unaware that his little brother was currently tearing himself apart over the guilt he felt for the death of Ash.
