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Shattered: Chapter 4
"Guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one's own actions or lack of action." ― Audre Lorde
Monday, 06 October 2014
Ethan blew out a breath, wincing as his left side suddenly stung. It had been five days since the car crash and nothing was changing. Yes, Ethan was gradually getting better, but he still hadn't found out how Ash died; everyone refused to tell him. Well, not refused exactly. Ethan could tell, every time he asked about it, people would change the subject. Even Cal. He kept saying, 'I'll tell you when it's right'. But when would it be right?! When a year had passed and no one was emotionally wrapped up in it anymore?! That just wasn't good enough.
"Hey, Ethan." Cal greeted as he waltzed into the room. "How're you today?"
"Same as usual." Ethan replied glumly, hand resting on his side. That was his normal position now - it was almost like he was protecting his left side from some kind of threat or danger.
"Well, I had this patient earlier, really interesting case actua-"
"-please tell me how he died." Ethan interrupted staring at the wall opposite him. He heard Cal sigh.
"When will you stop asking me, Ethan?" He could hear the frustration in Cal's voice and was, admittedly, a little hurt by it. He didn't mean to make Cal angry, he just needed to know.
"When you tell me how he died."
"I don't want to think about it!" Ethan turned his head further away from Cal's raised voice. There was a moment's pause. "I'm sorry, Eth. I didn't mean to shout." Ethan just shrugged.
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds, before the younger of the two broke it.
"Can you pass me my laptop?" Ethan asked, sitting up a little more and trying to not to show how much it hurt to do it. Cal nodded and did as Ethan asked straightaway.
"Considering you're going to be busy on your laptop, I guess I better go," said Cal, making to leave. Ethan would have stopped him, but right now, he needed to do something a lot more important. "See you later, Ethan." He noticed how Cal sounded a little downhearted, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was only focused on the task in hand - Cal's feelings could wait until later.
"Bye," Ethan said simply, getting back to his laptop. He typed in his password, and then brought up the internet browser webpage. His fingers hovered over the keys for a few seconds as he debated what to type in; something that would get him what he wanted. He never really knew how to get exactly the search you needed, but he had or give it a go.
Finally, he typed in, 'Holby car crash side-swiped van'. He waited for the search results to load, and scrolled down.
There were quite a lot of search results, but none of them related to the exact crash Ethan was looking for, and oh boy the were a lot of crashes. Ethan felt a little disturbed by how many there were, and how many results relating to death there were,
Then, finally, there was one result that caught his eye. 'Holby car crash van blowing up'. It was on a website that Ethan recognised as holding video files. Did he really want to watch a video of a van blowing up? He didn't really want to, but it was possible this was the crash he was looking for. He couldn't miss the chance.
He warily clicked on the link and was taken to a page… it was definitely a video file. He saw the thumbnail - it was the van. The van that he was driving. Maybe this was how Ash died.
His fingers pressed the mouse pad and the video started playing. There was no way he was backing out now. There was a rush; he heard (even though it was clearly a video shot on a mobile phone, judging by the quality) Dixie's voice ring out.
"Jeff, I can't find the collar!" She shouted to her partner.
Ethan watched Jeff laugh and the young doctor smiled to himself. Jeff ran over to the ambulance; just to the side of the shot. Ethan wished the phone had followed Jeff. He paused the shot and took in the state of the crash.
It was a mess. There were multiple emergency services. The van didn't even look like a stable van. It was on its side, the windshield smashed and removed. There were patches of blood in the van and Ethan could just make out the injured Ash.
But then something dreadful happened. Something which told Ethan exactly how Ash died.
There was a humongous explosion. It engulfed the van instantly. Yellow and orange flames danced around; smoke filled the air. He saw Jeff and Dixie try to rush to the van, but they were held back. Ethan knew already that Ash was dead. But he wasn't just dead. He was blown up. Blown to smithereens. Ethan could immediately tell there would be nothing left of Ash. He died a horrible death.
And he caused it.
