Field Trip: Confession
"I'm going to sit at the bar, unless you want me to stick around, but I kinda doubt that," Ruby told Weiss and Betsy in parting.
Weiss couldn't stop the snort if she wanted to, which she didn't. Ever since what happened at Master Zen's Ruby was still acting the Dominant, but less aggressively so. It was kind of disappointing really, but understandable.
Betsy just laughed. "Get your Domme ass out of submissive business."
With a smile and a wave Ruby walked over to the bartender while Betsy led her to the quiet corner she had promised. Quiet was surprisingly accurate. Though they had a clear view of the rest of the bar, all of the noise from the canned music, a hard metal band that Weiss didn't like and hoped she'd learn to tune out quickly if she became a regular, was nearly non-existant. It was the way the acoustics of the corner was set up she decided. With that noise out there and the quiet in here she doubted that anyone would be able to overhear anything without being obvious. To have the sound dampened like that couldn't be by accident.
Weiss looked at Ruby's friend over the table they were setting at. "Soooooo... You're a submissive?" Weiss asked, not really knowing where to start.
"What gave it away?" Betsy chuckled.
As nervous as she was, Weiss lacked the humor to appreciate the joke. "Why?"
Yes, this would work. She'd never have to confess anything. Never need to tell anyone her weakness. Just ask why Betsy was the way she was. With those answers maybe Weiss would understand herself more on one regard.
"Cause I like it," was the unhelpful reply.
Shaking her head, Weiss pressed "Of course, but why do you like it?" It was hard not to keep the irritation out of her voice. Very hard, and somewhat unsuccessful.
Betsy paused to think about it, then turned it around on her unexpectedly. "Why do you like sex?"
An uncomfortable silence answered the question as Weiss tried to process the shock of such a private question asked so casually.
She didn't need to answer it though as Betsy continued with "because it feels good, right?"
Numbly Weiss shook her head.
"It's the same thing for all the kinks we like. There isn't necessarily a logical reason behind them. They just feel good on some primal level."
No logical reason? It didn't make sense to Weiss's logical mind, yet it did on another level. Her submissive level maybe? Logic won out. It couldn't be that simple, and just because it felt good did that make it right? "But I'm not like this... I'm always in control. I'm always rational and logical. I'm borderline waspish to most everyone, even my friends. Where does this submissive mindset come from, because it just isn't me!" Pausing, Weiss realized in her frustration she had given away half of the problem.
"Oh-ho!" Betsy exclaimed, her smile getting a bit brighter in understanding. "You're one of those! You must really trust Ruby to allow her to see that side of you. I mean absolute trust, the type that if she told you to walk off a cliff you'd do it. I bet you are here out of pure curiosity, but not going to show any of that submissive personality are you?"
Nothing worse than fitting into a "type" in Weiss's estimation. She always thought of herself as unique. The lady across from her had just nailed it on the head however. Wordlessly Weiss indicated her agreement.
"That's fine. We're friendly here, and in the bar area acting vanilla is mostly normal. There's exceptions of course. Get someone who's a slave and Master, for instance, won't let go of their roles ever, even in public. More subtle in public so they don't get arrested of course, but still there."
That was another question she had, and this one didn't directly relate to her. "I don't get that either. Ruby always said this is a game, but Master and slaves, like Master Zen, aren't playing it as a game."
"Nope, they've taken it from just a game to a true lifestyle. Everyone plays the game to a different intensity. It's like gambling. Some never gamble. They're vanilla. There are the ones that play once in a while, and only on a specific game. Then there are ones like Master Zen who never leave the game floor."
Involuntarily Weiss shuddered.
The smile on Betsy dimmed only slightly at the shudder, indicating she was getting a bit more serious. "There's a saying. I wonder if you've heard it yet? 'Your kink is not my kink, my kink is not your kink, and that's okay.'" She looked at Weiss a bit closer. "It means exactly what it sounds like. I won't judge you based on your kinks, and you shouldn't judge me by mine. We all have different things that turn us on. Sometimes they're the same, sometimes they're wildly different. Sometimes they're more intense, sometimes less."
Weiss remembered her first negotiation with Ruby where the concept of scat and golden showers were first mentioned as hard limits for both of them. The look of disgust was unmistakable. "And if I can't?"
"Walk away, but don't judge. How would you feel if someone judged you based on some of your kinks?" She tilted her head to the side. That smile made it impossible for the atmosphere too get tense between them.
That was actually one of her fears. "I'd either be ashamed, or I'd kick their ass." Probably both, she admitted to herself.
For the first time Betsy frowned. "Ashamed?" Betsy sighed a moment after. "I guess that's to be expected. This world is still new to you."
Now that was an understatement. "Until today I'd never talked to anyone except Ruby about our game. I'm still finding things that turn me on that I didn't think would."
"How long ago did Ruby introduce you to BDSM?"
Weiss thought about it for a moment. It was before the mess with the reapers, but not by much. Ah, winter break. She'd been such a mess then. More of a mess than she was now, if such a thing was possible. "About four months." Ruby had been right. Talking to another submissive made admitting things easier. Almost natural.
Betsy started chuckling again. "About when Ruby stopped coming here. That makes sense now."
"You said she was a regular earlier?" This was of interest, though she also expected to get pissed and hurt by the answers.
Betsy may be overly cheerful, but she did answer diplomatically knowing now where one of the hot spots were. "Fairly regular. About once a week. She only was around for a couple of hours each time. She enjoyed the bar, and a couple of times took in a show in the next room..." she paused for thought. "I don't think she ever went upstairs though except for once just to see what was there."
No mention of Nora, but Weiss knew. At least they hadn't visited upstairs though. That was something. "You two seem to be good friends."
"Mmmmm, in the club. I know a lot about her of course from the news feeds, but we don't talk about it, and I don't think we've ever talked about my life. That's personal, and like we've said before we don't share information with anyone very often. The less others know the less they can accidentally give away.
"How long has she been a member?" Why she was so curious about Ruby's life here she wouldn't say to anyone, but it also kept the discussion away from her own issues. Betsy was already getting more information than Weiss thought she would give a stranger. The fact Betsy was another submissive helped, as did her having a similar exuberance as Ruby. That exuberance may make it easier to talk to her, but it also rubbed at something she would prefer to keep, well try to keep, buried.
Betsy chuckled. "About eight months ago was the first time. Domme or not she looked like a school girl at her first day of classes back then."
For the first time Weiss laughed, all be it a bit nervously. "I was there for her first day of classes. There's no way she could be that awkward again!" The memory was burned into her soul. The first time she had seen her soulmate.
"It's a close second then." Betsy paused, then pulled the conversation back to an earlier point. "So, you said you'd feel ashamed. Does that mean you're worried about yourself and what kind of deviant you must be or something like that?"
Weiss had hoped that they were past that subject, never to return. "Mostly."
"So there's more. How much more?"
No, Weiss simply couldn't answer that, not honestly. "Some."
Betsy didn't press, staying on the current point. "Well, you are a deviant, living outside the mores of society. If it was normal we wouldn't be keeping it as secret as possible. Does that mean you're a bad person, or psychologically fucked up? Well, some would say yes, but no one in this building would be among them. There are some obvious exceptions on what we'd accept though."
Weiss knew the exceptions. Ruby repeated them regularly. "Safe, Sane, and consensual."
"Exactly," Betsy agreed. "If someone breaks one of those rules and someone is likely to break one of their legs." She paused, then again returned to the main subject. "This is important though. Has Ruby ever done something that isn't safe?"
Weiss shook her head. That she had no doubt of.
"Sane?"
Weiss paused on that one. "If you don't include finding every kinky thing about me, some of which even I didn't know, then yes, it's been sane."
"Consensual?"
This one was the hardest for Weiss because it hinted at something she really didn't want to contemplate to hard. "She... She has this way about her sometimes. She can make me do things I wouldn't normally do. The first time we were together she inspected me like I was a statue, and I just stood there and took it." Damn... that memory alone was making her wet. Like she needed another thing to keep her turned on tonight!
"Your safe word was available?"
"Yes."
"Then that's consent, and hot." There was no doubt that Betsy meant that as her eyes and smile betrayed a small amount of arousal. "She's good."
"But that's not me!" Realizing she'd raised her voice, she repeated "that's not me," in a much more natural tone.
"I'm sure you've felt it. I know I have. That feeling of freedom. Of knowing you can let go of all of your inhibitions and trust your partner to keep you safe from the world and from yourself. That is you, just a different side of you. This gives you the permission you need to let go."
Ruby made a showing of heading towards them so they weren't surprised, and gave the two a chance to pause the conversation. "I'm heading out back. I'll only be gone for a half hour, tops. Will you be okay?"
Nervously Weiss nodded, remembering a similar nervous feeling from when they had first started dating and Ruby had been pulled away by their friends for friendly ribbing.
Ruby noticed it too. "I have my scroll on me. I can be back in minutes." She looked at Betsy. "She seems more comfortable with you than I expected, and I expected a lot. If she hadn't I'd still be sitting at the bar."
Betsy nodded. "Naturally."
With a wave Ruby walked off, a bit of a spring to her step that hadn't been there before. Hadn't been there for any of their scenes for a month now actual, once Weiss stopped to consider it. How much did Ruby know?
Ruby picked up the materials at the front desk then headed around back. 'Around back' was actually a small work shop she'd set up herself with the owner's permission. She made small things, and the staff could use her tools to repair any of the equipment. It was a good trade off.
Seeing Weiss starting to relax with Betsy had taken a lot off her mind. There had been something bothering Weiss, and it was wrapped around the BDSM, but yet she obviously enjoyed it. There was the expected confusion, but that she could deal with, and Betsy would deal with. No, that wasn't it.
She knew that Weiss had tried approaching her a few times, and Ruby had tried to be as open to the conversation as possible. Before Weiss even got started however she'd have second thoughts and find a way to escape, usually by turning it into sex. Really good sex mind you, both kinky and vanilla, but as far from what she wanted to talk about as possible.
Ruby wanted to force it out. Make it an order as her Domme in the middle of a scene, but that wouldn't work. It's a betrayal of her responsibilities as her Domme, and it would damage her relationship with a woman who had stolen her heart years ago. She was sure Weiss would promptly reduce her to small quivering bits with words alone, scene or no scene.
Coaxing it out of Weiss wouldn't work either. Weiss knew what was going on, and if Ruby could wrap her head around the concept she'd think Weiss was secretly ashamed of it. Not ashamed of the BDSM itself. It was something deeper than that. There's no way she'd tell someone as close to her as Ruby, or the rest of the team for that matter. If she wasn't such a hot subject maybe she'd ask Nora, but Ruby doubted it.
It was no coincidence that they showed up and Betsy had been at the bar. It was Wednesday. Betsy was always here on Wednesday, and she always was among the first to show. Ruby hoped, dearly, that the two would hit it off. Maybe Betsy could find out what was going on. From what she saw as she left it was promising. She felt something imploding in their relationship and the damage might be extreme. She just didn't know.
Ruby would like to say that was the main reason for the trip today after classes, but it wasn't. It was definitely a very big reason, but not the main one. Introducing her to some of the other aspects of their game, and some of the people who played it was another reason. Weiss needed a feeling of community in a lifestyle that was so alien to her.
Even the project she was working on right now wasn't the point. That was least of the reasons in fact. She could have assembled it any time, and it was intended for use in their room. Collapsible, all be it crude, spreader bars that could be hidden easily was becoming a must in their games.
Finding out how right she was about Weiss being a closet exhibitionist had been a good reason. Wow! She hadn't realized quite how big it would be!
No, the real reason had been with her all day. It had been near her after only a month of them dating, and made by her own hands. That had been the true fantasy for her, to give it to her here. She wanted everyone who would understand, or at least as many as would be here tonight, to be there to celebrate with her and Weiss.
She had been sure about this. She needed for Weiss to be sure as well. That was the point in waiting this long, and the point of having Weiss talk with Betsy and get a better understanding from a subs point of view. A view that Ruby honestly didn't fully understand.
What was in the box she'd picked up today was just going to icing after that. She hoped it would be at least.
Ruby's brief interruption gave Weiss a moment to collect herself and process what Betsy had said. She had thought, many times, about how free she felt during a scene, and the lady across from her had nailed it, once again, on the head. When Ruby was out of ear shot Weiss picked up the thread of their conversation. "That doesn't mean I like the person I become though," she told Betsy sullenly.
"I'm going to wager that you do like it. You're too strong willed to not do it unless you wanted to."
Weiss didn't feel that strong willed anymore. Maybe a couple of months ago. Definitely before she'd been disinherited, but not now.
Seeing Weiss's crestfallen face made Betsy laugh, and Weiss nearly punched her for it. "Sorry but... I mean... I've known you for a half hour and I can already tell how strong willed you are. You haven't lost it. I think you've lost something else though, and I don't think it has anything directly related to BDSM, am I right?"
All Weiss could do was avert her eyes at the question.
Unexpectedly Betsy changed topics. "Why is Nora such a hot topic? Because her and Ruby were lovers?"
"Of course!"
"That was four months ago. Why haven't you let it go yet?"
Did she really need to go through this all again? "Because Ruby should have been mine sooner! Nora took all those months away from us!" That had been true once, but not anymore. That's just what she told the world when it came up. It really was starting to sound weak though, even to her ears.
"What if I told you about her other lovers here? Would that make you feel better about Nora?"
"No!" she nearly yelled, holding the volume down just before it left her lips.
"But you wouldn't care about the others would you?"
Again Weiss was stuck, her eyes averted.
"So no, it wouldn't. Not like with Nora. So where's the difference?" Betsy paused for a second, then slipped in "I was lying about other lovers by the way. I was curious how you'd react."
"Are you and Nora related?" Weiss asked irritably, noticing the common cheerfulness and tendency to but in and notice too much.
"Nah, but I can see the comparison," Debra smiled. "The difference?" she prompted again.
Weiss knew more than she should. Ruby talked in her sleep. It's what had prompted the anger the most. She knew it was misplaced. She wasn't angry with Nora at all. She was angry, no furious, at Ruby. She couldn't say that to anyone. A relative stranger might be the easiest though, if she were to tell anyone. There wasn't anything there to damage yet. With a friend it could be painful. To her love it would be devastating. How can someone be so angry and so afraid of losing someone at the same time?
So insecure... so weak.
"I'm not going to get an answer here, am I?" Betsy asked.
Could she? "You won't tell anyone, even Ruby?" Ruby trusted Betsy. That alone was enough to trust her too with a secret. A secret she needed to express before it ate her up.
The sub across the table gave it some honest though before answering, which set Weiss's nerves a bit more at ease. "I'm guessing this is about Ruby then. I promise, but I may tell you to talk to her about whatever this is." The smile was gone. Betsy was taking this completely seriously, and that eased those nerves even more.
Weiss took a deep breath. "Nora didn't keep Ruby from me... Ruby was the who did the seducing. She was the one running from me all that time." Were those tears? Well of course they were. What did she expect.
"Go on, there's more here."
"Why Nora? Nora is so much the opposite to me. If Nora is the type she likes, then..." Weiss stopped, unable to continue. Unable to process the shock of saying it out loud for the first time.
It was okay though. Betsy filled in the blank. "Then why be with you? What if she finds someone like Nora again, only submissive?"
Numbly Weiss nodded. She knew what was coming next.
"Someone like me, perhaps?" Betsy stated, playing with her collar for emphasis.
Knowing it was going to be said and having it said were two different things. Weiss's face simply froze in place.
"You know, I never would have pictured you as the insecure type with what Ruby's said about you. Fierce, strong. Nearly untamable. That was always how Ruby described you."
"I am! That's the problem."
"You said earlier that the person you become isn't you. I'm beginning to think there's more there than what it sounds like on the surface." Betsy's eyes narrowed in speculation. "Who are you when you're in a scene, and who do you want to be in a scene?"
Author's note: Well, this is turning into two chapters instead of one. Sorry for the delay, but I kinda got stuck into the new expansion of WoW. Still am actually, but not as badly. Should have the next part of this up in a week. When this arc is done I'll be going through this to clean up grammar and a few inconsistencies in the story. after that I'll be going back to my SAO fanfic to finish it up so I can again put all my focus on Echoes, which is burning a hole in my brain right now demanding to be written.
