Chapter 14: First Love

When Kaila answered the door, she was stunned, not only by Shuyin's presence but by his appearance. Except for being barefoot, he looked as if he had been swimming fully clothed. His eyes were bloodshot, and not just from saltwater exposure. He had been crying. Nothing in the world was sadder to Kaila than seeing Shuyin cry. It was what had drawn her to him the first time they met, and it was what confirmed that his heart was breaking now. The bicep of his left arm had been hastily wrapped in a blood-stained, gauze bandage. His lip was cut and swollen, and his knees were scraped raw. "Shuyin? Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?" She invited him inside, but as he walked past, her attention was drawn to the gaping hole in the back of his shirt, torn from shoulder to hem. The shirt was also stained with blood, and large, red welts marked the skin underneath.

Shuyin looked toward Koji's bedroom, out of habit. "Are your parents home?" he quietly asked.

"Not at the moment. And if you came to see Koji, he's not in right now, either."

"I know." His eyes closed as he struggled to control a wave of emotion that looked as if it would break him at any moment.

"What happened? Do you need someone to take you to a healer?"

He shook his head. "Koji ..." Pausing, he tried to hold back the wave again. "We got into a fight and this water fiend ... It was the biggest fiend I've ever seen." Sniffling, he looked down at the pillowcase-wrapped bundle in his hands and passed it to her.

Kaila opened it to see a blood-stained handgun. Dread crept over her, head to toe. "Shu? Where is Koji?"

He shivered but lifted his arm to show her the bullet wound. "He shot me, Kaila. He shot me, and I jumped into the water to get away. But he followed me. And when the fiend came out of nowhere, he couldn't escape."

Kaila cupped a hand to her mouth and shook her head in denial, though she knew he was telling the truth. Breaking into tears, she collapsed.

))((

Shuyin caught Kaila as she fell to her knees. Drawing her into his arms, he supported her grief the same way she held him when he found his mother's body on the kitchen floor. A tight fist clutched the back of his torn shirt, and her shoulders shook with sobs for what seemed like an eternity. Shuyin felt responsible for each tear that fell. He thought he had worked past most of his own grief with the numbness that had settled over him while he was treating his arm with the first-aid kit and cleaning up the blood on the bedroom floor. But seeing Kaila fall apart like this brought everything back.

When Kaila did finally pull away to wipe her tears, new ones continued to fall. "Please stay. Mom and Dad will want to talk to you."

He gave a somber nod.

Kaila placed the gun on the table, still inside the pillowcase. Then she excused herself to the kitchen to contact her parents and give them the news.

Shuyin wiped a hand over his eyes as he stood and crossed the living room where he and Koji used to play games. In the hall, rounding the corner, he caught a glimpse of Kaila's room directly to his left. A small Abes poster of himself in mid-arc doing a sphere shot graced her wall, and he remembered the day he first did that jump on the playground. Kaila had been so proud of him. Koji had called him on a technical imperfection. Koji had been right, of course, but Shuyin responded with a challenge—a challenge he won.

With a heavy sigh and a heavier heart, Shuyin turned to his right and entered Koji's bedroom. So many childhood memories had taken place here. Posters and pennants of all the major league blitzball teams that Koji collected still decorated the walls, but the various swimsuit-model posters that went up during high school had been taken down. Pictures of Lenne scattered around the room had taken their place. Lifting a couple's photo in a holographic cube on the dresser, Shuyin backed into the wall behind him and slid down to the floor. The lacerated welts on his back stung like crazy, but that too was part of the price paid for one kiss.

Kaila found him slouched against the wall on the floor of Koji's room like that. "My parents are on their way home." Still shedding new, silent tears, she knelt before him and draped a large towel over his shoulders and head. "Your back looks pretty bad."

"It had tentacles that burned with magic."

"Did Koji ... drown, or was he …" She couldn't choke out the rest of the question.

Shuyin dug his toes into the luxurious carpet as he replayed the attack in his mind. The way his friend was being thrown around like a rag doll, he was sure Koji's lungs had been crushed first. He didn't want to think about what could have happened after that. "He drowned."

Kaila tried to find comfort in that. Death-by-drowning was better than the alternatives. "Your fight ... It was because of Lenne, wasn't it?" she asked with a sniffle, noting the holographic cube in his hands.

He reluctantly nodded.

"Koji was planning on asking her to marry him as soon as he got a job with a blitzball team so it wouldn't look like he was mooching off of her celebrity status as a singer."

Shuyin absorbed that news as if he'd been shot a second time. The tears broke through the numbness again and trickled down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Kaila. I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. Koji was my brother, too, you know?"

"I know. It may not seem like it recently, but he felt the same way about you. It's why he had sibling rivalry issues with you. He thought the world of you, but … it was hard for him, always being 'Shuyin's friend' but never Koji. I understand his frustration to some extent because I was always just 'Koji's sister' to you, never truly Kaila. He's been upset with you in the past, but he's never talked about hurting you. I guess he was so stressed this time that he just … snapped."

"You probably hate me more than ever now."

Kaila sadly shook her head. "I don't hate you, Shu. I don't always like what you do, but there will always be a place in my heart for you."

He looked up at her, utterly bewildered, as Koji's last words about her rang true. "How can you forgive me after something like this? This is much worse than what happened the night of the dance."

"This isn't your fault."

He shook his head in adamant disagreement. "How can you say that? I promised him I'd back off, but then I kissed her anyway! I'm the one that chose to dive into the water! And I didn't even try to save him from the fiend because I didn't think I could!"

"You stole the heart of someone he loved, but if Koji took a gun to your house, how can this be your fault? You're reckless, Shuyin, but you've never been vengeful."

"That's not what Koji said."

"That's because Koji felt guilty about what he did to us the night of the dance."

"If he felt guilty about that, why did he tell Lenne all that crap about me?"

"Because that's how he experienced it, and he was afraid of losing her to you."

Shuyin winced and looked away in disgust.

"You have a powerful personality, Shu. It's a bit overwhelming sometimes to those of us who are a little more … subdued. But you've never been tainted with horrible intentions to hurt people on purpose. Deep down, Koji knew that. But he always had to compete with you—always. He knew he could never match your strength of spirit, so he took his frustrations out on you. Don't you see? He was jealous because he couldn't find a real reason to hate you."

Shuyin shivered again and rubbed the towel over his wet head, pulling it around his shoulders, careful not to cause further pain for his back and arm.

"You know, you taught both of us something very important the night of that dance. Even if Koji's guilt made his jealousy worse, you taught him to be sincere with people. He apologized to me for setting us up, and I think he even apologized to Birana. I assumed he apologized to you, too, or he wouldn't have tried to drag me to the boat to talk to you again. After that, he was careful to keep his relationship with Lenne separate from his career goals. Perhaps he was too careful to separate them and ended up shutting her out."

Shuyin sniffled. "She did say she felt distant—that she would have called it off with or without me."

Kaila nodded in sad agreement. "You can't make someone love you. That's what you taught me that night. I learned the difference between love and obsession. Love shouldn't make you lose yourself to someone else." She smiled through her tears. "I suffered through twelve years of attitude, pranks, and all other kinds of insulting nonsense to get just one kiss from you." Kaila gave a half-hearted smirk and sniffled. "And the sad thing is, I thought that's what you're supposed to do when you love someone—you stick by them no matter what, no matter how much they hurt you."

Shuyin's brows rose in guilt. "I swear I didn't know. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know. You're … kinda thick in the subtle hints department sometimes." She smiled lightly. "And we were kids through most of it. Kids pick on each other all the time. I don't know why I expected things to suddenly change between us as we got older."

He couldn't help but think of his own parents. "My mom used to stick by my old man, even when he hurt her. She made all kinds of excuses for his behavior, even after he abandoned us. But she said she stayed because she loved him."

Kaila shook her head. "That's not love. It's an obsession." She wiped a tear and sniffled. "No disrespect to your mother, but that's why they say love is blind. When you're obsessed with someone, you see only what you want to see. You know? Real love isn't self-destructive. And it isn't possessive. It's protective, even if it means letting go to prevent harm to yourself or the other person." She took the holograph from his hand and gazed down at it with remorse. "When Koji told me that Lenne left him for you, we both thought you were in it for revenge. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized … that's just not who you are. However, the fact that Koji tried to hurt you means he couldn't let go of Lenne. I have no doubt he cared for her very much, but it was a selfish obsession, rather than a protective love. I think Lenne recognized that. And I think that's why she wanted out." Kaila paused as if wondering if she said too much. "It's just my opinion, of course."

"Kaila, it might not mean much now, but … you are more than Koji's sister to me. It just came out of my mouth all wrong when I tried to explain it. I'm sorry."

She smiled and slipped her arms around his neck to hug him like the life-long friends they used to be. "Thank you, Shu. I'm done obsessing over you, but when I do find my special someone, he's going to have to be a lot like you. Lenne's a lucky girl." Kaila straightened and placed her hands on his shoulders. "Do you love her? I don't mean lust or like. I mean … do you really love her?"

He had not considered it before, so he honestly wasn't sure.

"She was the one thing Koji could not bear to lose to you. Whether it's because he wanted her that much or hated you that much, we'll never know. But if this thing with Lenne is one of your passing flings, then Koji died for nothing."

Shuyin weighed her words carefully. He had tried to walk away for the sake of Lenne's relationship with Koji. He had been willing to let go, even if it wasn't what he wanted. But that wasn't what she wanted. And it was her wish that he had defended … to the death. Closing his eyes with a pained expression, he realized that meant he was probably capable of doing anything for her. "It's not a passing fling. I love her."

))((

After he delivered the devastating news to Koji's parents, Shuyin walked home and contacted Lenne, asking her to come over. After showering, he changed, took some painkillers for his wounds, and paced the floor, practicing how to tell her what happened. But when he answered the door and saw her pale face and red eyes, he knew she had already heard. "Kaila told you," he guessed.

Lenne nodded, at a loss for words, then reached to him for comfort in their mutual loss.

"He was right, you know," Shuyin quietly spoke. "I'm cursed. I drive people crazy, and then they end up killing themselves."

Pulling back from his shoulder, Lenne shook her head and looked up at him with concern. "Don't say things like that. If you start to believe it, you really will curse yourself. We did hurt his feelings—and I feel terrible beyond words about that—but it was his choice to take it out on you." Noticing the blood-stained gauze on Shuyin's arm, she removed the bandage and examined the wound. "I could have waited longer to break up with him. You could have avoided me completely. But it wouldn't have changed anything for him. Koji was poisoned by his own long-term resentment. That's the kind of thing that turns even the best of souls into fiends." Placing a hand over his arm, she used her white magic to mend it. "Shuyin, please don't blame yourself for Koji's death. That's a dangerous thing to do to your own heart." She clasped his hand in one hand and caressed his cheek with the other.

"Did you know he was going to ask you to marry him?"

Lenne was stunned and more deeply saddened. "No."

"Kaila told me."

Withdrawing, she turned away, troubled. "That must have been the surprise. He was going to surprise me with something after dinner, but I didn't give him the chance. I didn't want him doing anything special for me since I was going to break things off. I-I couldn't have …" Covering her face with her hands, she started to cry once more.

Shuyin drew her shoulders close, folded his arms around her, and cradled her head to his chest. Giving her back a comforting rub, he kissed the top of her head and rested his cheek against it. It was only a small relief to hear that Kaila's guess on Koji's relationship with Lenne had been correct. The fact remained that Koji was dead because of Shuyin's premature interference, his decision to take the fight to the water, and his lack of action in helping him escape the fiend. Shuyin failed to save his best friend, just as he had been unable to save his mother. It was a failure he swore he would never let happen again.

))((

Koji was honored in a memorial service, and the investigation into the circumstances of his death found Shuyin innocent of any charges. News of the incident did not reach the media, thanks to careful management behind the scenes. However, ever since the barroom brawl incident, word had spread that a famous singer was beginning to regularly show up in the company of a particular charismatic blitzball star. While most people found this development amusing or endearing, Koji's parents considered Shuyin's brazen union with Lenne to be the reason for Koji's tragic behavior. Shuyin and Lenne made conscious decisions to always honor their memories of their friend. But they also needed to move on with their lives.

In the weeks following Koji's death, Shuyin repaid his debts and apologies for the disturbance he had caused regarding the disgruntled fan at the diner. But just as he was beginning to make his managers doubt their decision to take on such a brash, young athlete, his games began to improve. Within a month, Shuyin and the Abes were back on top in the blitzball arena. Cross-training with martial arts—training that not only gave him new skills but also taught him how to focus better—was one of the factors that fine-tuned his performance. But he also found a new sense of purpose for his life … with Lenne.

Channeling some of that renewed passion toward creative means, Shuyin even finished the song he had started before Koji's last visit. He had worked so hard to put the finishing touches on it that he was annoyed when—once more—a knock on the door interrupted him. "It's open!" he called.

"Wow, someone's been housecleaning," Lenne called from the living room. "I was beginning to think you're the king of clutter instead of sun and waves."

Shuyin made a face at her remark. But then he stood and went to the kitchen where he found her bending over the fruit drawer in the fridge. Happy that Lenne liked wearing miniskirts as much as he liked looking at them, he lifted the floppy cap from her head and watched her hair spill over her back and shoulders like a graceful web of silk. "You can't use this disguise much longer, you know." Fitting her cap onto his own head, he inspected whatever surprises her grocery bag held and handed her the remaining items that belonged in cold storage.

Lenne flicked her hair over her shoulder to get it out of her way. "Well, it's still good enough to get me to the market and back so I can buy real food instead of those horrible little plastic trays of frozen mystery meat." Straightening, she turned around and popped a grape into his mouth before munching one herself and closing the door. "By the way, after the concert tonight, dinner's on me." Barefoot, she stepped onto his feet, rose to her toes, and kissed him before turning her attention back to the half-empty grocery bag.

Her words distorted into a visual image that left a silly smirk on his lips. "Literally or figuratively?"

She cuffed his stomach and took her hat back. "You know what I mean."

"My idea's better."

"Not if it involves wearing rice and snow peas." Putting the hat back on without twisting her hair up under it, she leaned against the table and munched a few more grapes.

"Speaking of snow, I've finally been able to reschedule time off for a camping trip, since I didn't get to go ... before …" It was still hard to speak of Koji's death, so he left it unsaid. "Still interested in coming along for a trip to Gagazet?"

"What in the world makes you think I would leave my cozy, little home in the city for a mountain of thigh-high snow?"

"It's not that deep. Well, not on the paths anyway. The ronso keep it pretty packed down. But we did tell Bahamut we would take him camping someday." Shuyin leaned against the bar counter and stole one of the grapes from her hand.

"What about a trip to the beach, instead?"

"I'm in water all the time. I haven't been to the mountains in a while."

"Ah, but your sphere pool doesn't have sand."

Drawing closer, he rested his hands on her waist. "There's a ronso hot spring there."

"Mmm ... tempting …" She tried not to smile as she continued to eat her grapes.

"I'll let you throw snowballs at me."

"Even more tempting."

"And I won't throw any back at you."

"Ooh. You're on." She kissed him and went to the sink to wash her hands.

"Cool. I'll get out the gear and check it over as soon as I finish the song."

"Song? What song?" Her brows knit as she sucked her last grape between her teeth and dried her hands.

"I've been trying to write a song," he admitted, somewhat bashful.

"Is that what you were playing when I came in? I thought that was sheet music from one of your old books."

"No, it's totally mine, but I've never tried to write music before, so it's … kind of a slow process."

Lenne smiled with pleasant surprise. "Well, in that case, you have to let me hear it."

"It's not as good as anything you've done."

"I'm the music expert here. I'll be the judge of what's good. Come on. You have to play it for me now." Hooking his arm, she led him out of the kitchen and through the houseboat to his room, where she took a seat beside him on the keyboard's bench.

"I was getting ready to record it, so I could hear it from a playback perspective, you know?" Shuyin sat down and reached for a memory sphere he set on the back of his keyboard. In messing with it, he knocked off a ceramic monkey she had bought for him and a holographic photo of her in a small cube.

She snickered as he grunted in disgust and reached to pick up the items. "King of clutter. I rest my case."

"Well, you're the one that gave me the stupid monkey."

"It's not stupid. It's cute. I almost bought you a real squatter monkey, but the pet store didn't have one that would do this." She imitated his notorious monkey doodle spank.

He tried not to smile. "How was that again?"

She started to do it again, but then laughed and gave his shoulder a small shove. "You are such a pig sometimes."

He giggled at her reaction. "Why would I want to watch a monkey do that when I can watch you do it instead?"

"Just play your song." She chuckled, giving up on his sense of humor.

"Okay." Still humored, he turned on the recorder and set it on top of the keyboard, careful not to knock over anything this time. Then, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with her, he put his fingers on the keys and drew a breath to settle his concentration. He was a little nervous since this was the first time he'd ever played an original composition for anyone, but as he began to play the soft, haunting melody, he tuned everything else out.

))((

Lenne thought the song was lovely but found her attention drifting away from the delicate tune to his hands and face as he played. Shuyin was the kind of guy who threw one hundred percent of himself into whatever he did, and right now, he was one hundred percent into this song. She was surprised and amused at how such a simple thing suddenly made him ten times more amazing to her than he already was. Thoughts of shoving him off of the piano bench and pouncing him with hugs and kisses right then and there did occur to her, but he probably wouldn't have appreciated her interrupting his song like that. Such was the depth of Shuyin's intent when confronted with a challenge. But he was also a very easily distracted individual, and that made her think of a way she could pay him back for his teasing. Snickering to herself, she leaned close. Breathing gently against his neck, she touched the tip of her tongue to his earring and drew it between her teeth.

Shuyin tried not to laugh or give in to the sudden, electrifying sensation. "Cut it out." He tucked his ear to his shoulder and tried to avoid laughing at the ticklish sensation. "I'm trying to concentrate."

She chuckled softly. "Okay. I'll behave."

"Okay. Ready?"

"I'm listening."

He began again to carefully play the haunting melody that he penned himself and committed to memory. Every note had to be just right. No mistakes.

"Wow, that's really good. No, it's more than good—it's beautiful." Lenne wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned against him with a contented sigh as he continued playing. "Can I have it?"

He chuckled at the request. "No. You have enough songs; this one's mine."

"But you'll never play this for anyone else. You're too shy. And then it will be wasted, just like all those years of piano lessons."

"Hey, those lessons weren't my idea. If my mom had her way, I'd be playing classical concerts instead of blitzball. I'm just trying to salvage something useful from all those hours of banging my head, more than my fingers, against the keyboard."

"Well, I think you should be proud of this."

"I am."

"Then share it with more people. You've got a real gift here. But, I guess it's also kinda nice to see you shy about something ... for once." She grinned.

He glanced at her without pausing the song. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're such a humble soul." She laughed as soon as she said it.

He smirked, tolerating the joke at his expense.

"So, what did you name it?"

"I haven't yet. Guess I'll name it when I feel inspired."

"And then you'll let me have it, and I can add lyrics and sing it at my concert."

He laughed. "No."

"Please?" She leaned in and kissed his ear once more.

He tilted his ear toward his shoulder and chuckled again at her bribery. "Nope."

"Please," she repeated with a grin, leaning in front of him to kiss his lips instead.

"Nh-nh," he denied one more time. But as the kiss lingered, his hand reached blindly for the memory sphere, groping to turn it off. The sphere slipped from the back of the keyboard and wedged next to the wall at a precarious tilt. "Damn," he muttered. "Why do I always do that?" Then, it hit the floor and blinked off.

Lenne giggled a little, but Shuyin was so into the kiss now that he left it on the floor and straddled the bench to face her instead of the piano. Reaching to the long silver chain that looped over her belt, he tugged playfully on it, wanting her to scoot closer.

She humored him by copying his position, but dangled her knees over his, interlocking her fingers behind his neck and touching her nose to his, in a child-like manner. "Don't even think about getting feisty now."

"I'm always feisty."

"But I have to be at the concert hall in an hour." She gave her feet a light swing.

"Well, I was only interested in playing my song, but noooo, you had to start messing with my ears."

She laughed and drew her fingers down his jawline to his chin. "Your song was lovely, Shu. I'm, touched—no, honored—that you shared it with me. You'll have to play it again for me sometime. Oh, that reminds me. Bring your birthday sphere to the concert tonight."

He was puzzled. "You're not making me give it back, are you?"

"No, but I'd like to update it. I've been working on some new songs, we have some new dances, and you need some better memories. Let's not keep the show that you walked out on, okay? Besides, I've got something in this show that is just for you." She slid her hands under his shirt, over his soft, warm skin, making him shudder slightly beneath her touch as she glanced toward the clock. An hour was not nearly enough time to enjoy him. Under the circumstances, however, it would have to do.