Chapter 33: Déjà Vu

Dressed in casual, tan shorts and a light rose-colored T-shirt, with her brown hair swept into her usual ponytail, Kaila knocked on the door of the houseboat and waited for Tidus to answer the door. "Hi. Is now a good time for language arts?"

Tidus stepped aside to let her come in. "Sure."

Entering the houseboat, Kaila slid off her sandals and walked past him. "Doing dishes?" As she chuckled and gave the towel on his shoulder a small tug, the weirdest sense of déjà vu came over her now that she was actively taking part in this facade.

"Something like that." He smiled pleasantly enough and led her into the kitchen. Hanging the dishtowel on the cabinet door and pulling a handful of cookies from the counter jar, he split the serving with her.

Kaila thought of all the times they shared treats with each other and smirked at his instinctive behavior. "Thanks." As she watched him check the laundry, she remembered they had spoken of Shuyin's mother next, but she was careful not to mention her to Tidus this time around.

Tidus opened the washer and transferred a load to the dryer. "I was supposed to meet my history tutor at the library this afternoon, but I postponed it for tomorrow since I'm tutoring with you today. I'm beginning to think my week will be filled with nothing but tutoring sessions now."

Kaila stopped chewing her cookie. "You passed up a meeting with Birana for me?"

"I told you yesterday we'd meet today."

"Yeah, but that's not ..." She caught herself before finishing that thought. That's just not like you. But you're not you. You're someone else.

"Not what?"

"Nothing. Sorry." She shrugged it off with embarrassment. "I guess I'm not used to being treated so … nice. My brother and his best friend would never pass up someone like Birana for an afternoon with a grammar book and me."

He was humored by that odd confession. "You don't want me to be nice to you?"

"It's just ... weird."

"You'd rather I act like a jerk?"

"No," she emphatically answered.

He paused, folded his arms at his chest, and tilted his chin. "Wait, how'd you know her name?"

Kaila froze. Oops. "Psychic," she reminded him with a light laugh to cover her mistake. "Did you … ask her … yet?"

He giggled lightly. "You told me not to. Make up your mind."

Kaila couldn't help but be amused at how much Tidus's giggle sounded like Shuyin's. "And you actually listened to me?"

"You know, I'm a natural skeptic, but when someone reads my mind, I listen until I can figure out how the trick is being done. I haven't told anyone I was thinking of asking her to the dance, so I can't figure out how you knew. And what exactly is this bad feeling you have about me asking her out?"

She quieted and brushed the flour dust from her other cookies before crossing the kitchen to stand near the sink. "Well, my brother once told me that she only dated guys with a certain grade average."

Tidus's eyes went to her bare feet when he saw where she was standing. Moving to her side, he crouched to inspect the floor. "Oh, I get it. You're trying to warn me I don't stand a chance because of my failing grades."

"No, I just have a feeling that ..." Kaila remembered what happened next with Shuyin, but she felt compelled to repeat it anyway, mainly because she knew his mother couldn't have dropped a glass this time. "Are you … looking at my legs?"

"Only above the ankle," he quipped with a playful grin. "Actually, I dropped a glass of water a few minutes ago. I didn't want you to cut your foot if the vac missed a piece."

"You dropped it." She didn't bother to look where the auto-vac was bumping around on the other side of the room. After pondering the altered—but continued—course of events, she was stunned to realize he had just flirted with her. … With her. "Thanks for looking out for me." She wasn't sure whether to be happy or cautious about how close this ripple was sticking to the original pattern, considering what she had to navigate around.

"No problem." He shrugged, returned to the washer, and dumped the last of the load into the dryer. "Actually, you're right about Birana's standards. I've already asked her out a couple of times, and she refuses until I get my grades up. I can't believe she's so stingy about it. I mean, I can't blame her for wanting to date a smart guy, but it feels like I'm jumping through hoops just to impress her. I can't decide how I feel about that, you know? On the one hand, if you like someone, you do things they like to make them happy. But on the other hand, that person should be able to accept you for who you are rather than trying to change you, right?"

Kaila blinked in silent dismay but tried not to let it show. She wondered if Shuyin ever felt that way, or if this was just one more way Tidus was different. "I … guess so."

"Maybe you're right about asking her out being a bad idea." He shrugged in mild discouragement, switched on the appliance, then leaned against it. "But I've also been thinking about that person you said wanted to go with me, and ... I'd rather not accept a blind date, either."

"Understandable."

Tidus waited for an expectant moment. "You're not going to tell me who it was?"

"Well, it … doesn't matter now."

Snorting in amusement at her peculiar answers, he moved to the table and collected his digital notebook and study spheres. Then, he sat down at the counter and used his foot to push another tall bar stool out for her. "You were supposed to say it wouldn't be a blind date."

She grabbed the grammar handbook and accompanying sphere as she sat next to him. "Why would I say that?"

Tidus laughed in mild embarrassment. "Okay, this is going to sound incredibly awkward, but I thought you meant this secret admirer was … you."

"Me?" Kaila suddenly realized her presence wasn't just a matter of keeping him from getting involved with Birana. During the real events, she had asked him to go to the dance with her. "Great," she muttered under her breath, realizing that disaster was now setting itself up again despite her attempt to circumnavigate him away from it.

He wasn't sure how to interpret her reaction. "I guess that means you're not interested?"

Kaila froze again. He wasn't supposed to turn the tables on her like this. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Is that a polite 'no' or a maybe?"

She really didn't want to go through this again. "Why would you ask me?"

He leaned forward to study her face for a moment. "This is going to sound crazy—and I don't know why—but … you seem really familiar."

Her "psychic" response wouldn't get her out of this one, and she was running out of excuses.

Auron came into the kitchen and glanced at her with a knowing expression. "Tidus, the trash needs taking out."

The corner of Tidus's mouth quirked in annoyance. "What? It's fine."

"Take the trash out."

"This is Auron—my unofficial guardian monk," Tidus introduced him to Kaila. "He gets cranky when he doesn't get his afternoon naps." But Tidus straightened, unseated himself, and gathered the trash bag. "I'll be right back," he groused to her before leaving with it.

Auron waited until he heard the front door shut, indicating Tidus was on his way to the garbage bin at the end of the pier. "See what you've been missing when he can talk back?" He had already been told of the precautionary plans to put Kaila back into Tidus's path, to be a constant amid the possibly wild variables surrounding his real mother's death.

"He asked me to the dance. What should I say?"

Auron shrugged. "Say, yes."

"But—"

"You're the one who told me I should let him go on dates." Auron smirked at her getting caught in her own trap. Pulling a bottle from the fridge, he popped the cap, tossed the lid toward the empty trash can, and took a long drink to quench his thirst.

"But we never actually went to the dance. We had a really bad argument. And I don't want to argue with him like that again."

Auron shrugged. "Then go to the dance and have fun this time. He's a good kid."

"He said I seemed familiar. What if he remembers me? What if he starts remembering what really happened? Bahamut!" Kaila looked around for the other Fayth.

The boy's spirit appeared. "Deny it and keep playing your new role. You've got to lead him away from what really happened without straying too far from it if this is going to work out smoothly. The reason for your argument is no longer part of his story, and the whole point of you being here is to fill the void with something better. The memories of the dance can be supplied by everyone else who attended. Remember, this isn't about what happened between you and Shuyin. This is about training Tidus to be a guardian—to be the Final Aeon, so he can defeat Sin for good." Bahamut heard the front door open, so he disappeared.

Kaila looked back at the homework spread across the countertop. This is about training Tidus to be a guardian - to be the Final Aeon, so he can defeat Sin for good. She had seen so many Final Aeons come and go that the name had become a paradox, but it hurt to think of what Lady Yunalesca would do to this one. She understood now why this task bothered Auron sometimes.

Tidus returned to the kitchen and slipped past Auron to put a new trash bag in the can, only to sigh with disgust when he spied the bottle cap at the bottom. "You could have put the new bag in yourself, you know." He fixed the bag before dropping the bottlecap back in.

"You should have put the new bag in before taking out the old." Auron tipped his drink to Kaila, then left.

Tidus sat on his barstool once more. "Okay, where were we?"

With a heavy heart, Kaila lifted her gaze to his face. She knew that the illusion before her was nothing but a mixed-up memory of Shuyin with a bit of borrowed soul. She knew that his destiny, whether he succeeded or failed, would likely end his own false existence. That was his truth. But, he didn't know that. He believed all of this was real and knew nothing of his predestined fate.

"Is something wrong?"

"No," she quietly answered. "I was going to say ... I'd be happy to go to the dance with you."

He was uncertain about her tone and expression. "If you don't want to—"

"No, I want to," she promptly corrected and smiled to hide her concern. "It sounds like fun."

"Cool," he returned with a slow grin.

That grin was contagious. Kaila couldn't help but return it before trying to turn the conversation toward something else. "Maybe we should actually do some language arts now? What have you been doing in class?"

He studied her for a moment longer as if still trying to figure out what felt so familiar, but then he shook his head at his inability to find the memory he was seeking. Turning his digital notebook around, he opened it to locate his most recent notes. "Archetypes of star-crossed lovers from ancient literature. I have to write a paper comparing two couples. I was thinking of doing Orihime and Hikoboshi with Romeo and Juliet."

"What? You're kidding."

"Yeah, I know, right? I hate trying to read Shakespeare." He turned his notes toward her. "But both of them had parent issues, so I figure it's a starting point. I'm just drawing a blank on anything else they have in common. Maybe I should pick someone else. I don't know." He shrugged, slouched chin-in-hand, and awaited her review.

Kaila almost groaned in disbelief at the theme, considering what happened to Shuyin and Lenne, but her memory confirmed this was the assignment that week.

))((

A couple of weeks later, the night of the dance finally arrived—again. Still afraid of inviting unwanted memories, Kaila changed her dress color to green when she cast herself in the illusion of formal attire. She was torn between dread and amusement when Tidus answered the door in the same half-dressed condition Shuyin had, but his greeting was completely unexpected.

"Wow. That's different. You look ... nice in that." He invited her inside, but then gave her an animated 'stop right there' gesture and looked down at his dark blue pants. "You're early, and I'm not quite ready yet, but just a sec, okay?"

Kaila tilted her chin in curiosity as he jogged down the hall to his room and shut the door. There was a lot of noise for a few minutes, but then the door opened again with a sweeping arm of invitation. Stepping out of her silver heels, she hooked the ankle straps on her fingers and followed.

The floor was cleared. The bed was made. And the whole room was tidy in a rushed kind of way. She couldn't help but smirk, knowing what it looked like before. "So, where'd you hide everything?"

"Under the bed," he admitted with a chuckle and a shrug.

"Even the smut comic?" she asked with a quirked brow.

He blinked at her with astonishment. "Okay, you're really starting to freak me out with that psychic stuff."

She laughed. "Sorry." Kaila withdrew something small from her hand purse and held it out to him. "Peace offering?"

Tidus opened his hand and received a piece of candy. He grinned at the gift, but then unwrapped it and scrutinized it.

"Do you not like strawberry candy?" She wondered if this was another difference between Shuyin and Tidus. Maybe she had made a mistake giving it to him.

"Strawberry is usually my favorite flavor. I just can't remember if I've had these before. I think I have. Are you sure this isn't a bribe to keep me from stepping on your toes? I do know how to dance, you know." He gave her a light wink, popped the candy into his mouth, and walked to his closet to grab a shirt. Pulling it over his head, he flicked the ends of his hair out of his collar. Then, he grabbed some socks from a drawer and sat on the bed to put them on.

Kaila sighed with relief at the familiar wink and sat down beside him, drawing her ankles underneath herself. "You mean a dance other than that ridiculous blitzball crowd-pleaser?"

"That's not ridiculous; it's classic. You were doing it. I caught you red-handed, even though you never did tell me what you were celebrating. See, when I do that, it means I've scored."

She was embarrassed all over again. "Oh, well, that was ... I thought I had a bug on me."

"Uh-huh." Tidus smirked as if he knew better and drew his ankles into a cross-legged position as he turned to face her. "So, have you thought about what you want to do after the dance?" Finding the candy wrapper again, he rolled it into a ball between his thumb and forefinger.

Kaila remembered this conversation with Shuyin … and the outcome. "No, I haven't."

"I thought we could go to the Neon District and catch a movie."

She nodded with a small smile. "Sounds like fun."

He noticed that she seemed a bit disappointed. "If you'd rather do something else, I'm okay with that, too."

A rap on the door sill caught their attention. "Shouldn't you two be in the living room or on your way to the dance?" Auron asked.

Both of them frowned at him. "Look, just because you temporarily live here to watch over me doesn't mean you get to barge into my room any time you want," Tidus groused.

Auron entered the room, settled back-against-the-wall, and set his fixed gaze on the teen.

Tidus became annoyed. "What are you doing?"

"Watching over you."

"Okay, that's it. I'm out of here." Tidus took Kaila's hand and flicked the candy wrapper at Auron on the way out.

Kaila frowned at the unsent guardian for his obnoxious intrusion as she followed.

))((

Auron chuckled at their reactions to his little joke.

Bahamut appeared beside him. "Well, that did the trick to push this ripple along, but … I'm wondering if this was such a good idea, after all."

"What do you mean?" the warrior monk asked as they walked from Tidus's bedroom back into the living room.

"Isn't it obvious?" The boy looked toward the front door with worry, though the couple had already left. "Kaila still has feelings for Shuyin."

))((

Kaila made up for missing her date with Shuyin by dancing with Tidus all night. When the dance was over, they walked to the Neon District for dinner, a movie, and a few more pieces of candy. It was very late by the time they turned back toward the harbor. So, this was what it felt like to be Kaila instead of Koji's sister.

"And then he made me take the dog outside and dragged me by the ear to apologize to Old Man Rane." Tidus laughed. "I thought Auron was going to kill me!"

Kaila laughed, too—not because the story itself was surprising or amusing, but because hearing him talk about it made her feel like all their hard work "raising" him had been worthwhile. "So ... you have good memories of your childhood?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I mean, it had moments that I'd rather forget, but it's like that for everyone, isn't it?"

She smiled and nodded in agreement. "I suppose."

Tidus paused and shook his head when they came to an intersection. "Gah! I wasn't even thinking where I was going. I'm incapable of walking and talking at the same time. Which way is your home? I'll walk you back."

"Oh, it's okay. I'd rather go back to the houseboat."

"Are you sure? It's really late, and we'll have to face stick-in-the-mud Auron again. I can't believe he was actually going to sit there and watch us." Then, after a pause, an impish grin lit his expression. "Hey, I know where we can go." Grabbing her hand, he started to run off the paved road.

Kaila planted her feet firmly to make him stop. "I can't run; I'm wearing heels!"

"Oh, right." He giggled at his mistake. "Well, then …" He scooped her into his arms, instead.

"What are you doing? This isn't a swimming pool or a blitzball arena!"

"True. Get on my back, then." He set her down and bent hands-to-knees waiting.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." He gestured again for her to hop onto his back.

Kaila sighed and removed her heels before climbing onto his back. "Don't you dare drop me."

"You mean like this?" He straightened and let her slip halfway down.

Kaila squealed and tightened her arms around his neck.

Laughing, he shifted her back up and ran across the grass. He teased at "accidentally" dropping her a few more times, but upon reaching the top of a small hill, he set her feet down safely in the cool grass to catch his breath.

"You have way too much energy! Aren't you tired from all that dancing?"

"I'm just getting warmed up," he answered. "But if you're tired, we can rest here for a few minutes." Sitting on the grass, both of them faced the open harbor, and Tidus lifted his face toward the breeze coming off of the ocean. He closed his eyes to enjoy it for a moment, but when he opened them, he found her staring at him with a strange sort of glazed expression. "Is something wrong?"

She smiled and shook her head. "Everything's ... perfect."

Tidus seemed pleased to hear it. Then, after a quiet moment, he leaned across her and brushed a strawberry flavored kiss lightly over her lips.

Kaila drew back in alarm.

"Sorry," he winced. "I guess I should have asked—"

"No, no! It's just … you surprised me."

"And you call yourself a psychic." With a mischievous grin, he drew an arm around her shoulders with another kiss.

As the kiss lingered, she relaxed and touched his neck to pull him closer. But his kiss … It was different. When she opened her eyes, she stared at him with wonder, as if seeing his face for the first time. "You really are … someone new," she whispered.

He tried not to look bewildered by the odd comment.

Struggling with herself over this new depth of awareness where he was concerned, she began to feel frightened for him. But she made herself give him a reassuring smile before turning her gaze to the stars. "Tidus?" It felt strange to call him by that name out loud. "Do you ever think about your future?"

"All the time. Right now, I'm thinking about what I'm going to eat when I get home."

She tilted her chin and gave him a flat glance for the joke. "That's not what I mean."

He returned a cheesy grin. "Okay, not really. Right now, I'm just interested in having fun, you know?" He bumped his knee lightly against hers. "Are you having fun?"

She smirked at his flirtation. "Absolutely. But … what do you plan to do when you're done with school?"

He gave a light shrug and leaned back on his hands. "I'll probably end up trying out for the Abes. Everyone's expecting me to follow in my old man's footsteps, anyway."

Kaila knew Tidus needed to go sign up with the Abes soon, but once his short year with the Abes was up, it would be time for him to leave the dream. "Is that the only thing you want for your life? Blitzball?"

"What else is there?"

"University education, world travel, self-employment, marriage, family ..."

"Oh, no way." He shook his head. "Maybe world travel, but my parents made marriage look like it was about as fun as having teeth pulled. My mom practically worshiped the ground my dad walked on, but he was too full of himself to notice. He hurt her a lot, but she always made excuses for him. He always acted like we were a burden weighing down his career. I never want to be stuck in a relationship like that."

Kaila plucked a blade of grass and absently pulled it between her fingers. "I used to love someone like that. He taught me that love shouldn't be blind. Forgiveness is one thing, but to turn a blind eye to repeated wrongs isn't love. It's an addiction—a selfish obsession. It's harmful to hold someone captive to our own desires or to allow yourself to be held captive to someone else's. You can't make someone love you." She pulled the blade of grass in half and stared at the dark, broken ends in the light of the distant streetlamp. "True love isn't possessive; it's protective. It protects, even if it means letting go … if that's what it takes to prevent harm. Do you understand?"

He answered with a pensive nod. "I guess so."

Kaila wanted to be sure he understood, for the sake of his summoner—for all of Spira's sake. "Then, is it possessive or protective if a man loves his girlfriend so much that he's willing to kill the man she left him for?"

"Possessive. If she leaves him for someone else and he can't let go, he's more concerned about his own happiness than hers."

"But if you love someone, it's hard to let go," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but if she couldn't return his affection, he was with the wrong person. If he truly loved her, he would have let her go, so they could both be with someone better."

Kaila was intrigued by the fact that Tidus answered without any hint of recognition toward Lenne and Koji. Hopefully, that meant he was doing his own thinking, rather than making judgments based on Shuyin's memories. She decided to risk prying deeper. "What if the other guy was the man's best friend?"

"Okay, that's just wrong. If the other guy interferes with his best friend's girl, that's just asking to have your butt kicked."

She was humored at his opinion of his former self. "Of course, you would never do anything like that."

"Of course not! Do you realize the resentment that would cause? It would turn best friends into enemies. And if the new relationship didn't work out, they would have ruined a friendship for nothing."

"What if the girl was in danger? Is love worth dying for? Or is it better to save yourself?"

Tidus had to think about it for a moment. "If there's a chance my death could make a difference in her survival, I'd let go of me to save her. That way, at least there's a chance for forgiveness. Because if I didn't try to help and something bad happened to her, I'd have to live with knowing I let her die." He paused and looked at her. "I don't think I could live with that kind of guilt, you know?"

Tidus had just opened a window into his borrowed soul without realizing it, and it confirmed Kaila's suspicion about why Shuyin remained unsent after all these years. It wasn't that he was incapable of forgiving the people who killed them and destroyed Zanarkand. It was because he was incapable of forgiving himself. He needed to hear Lenne say she forgave him for not being able to protect her, but maybe she didn't get that chance.

"Is this some kind of test I have to pass before I can ask for a second date?" Tidus quipped, bringing Kaila's thoughts back to the present.

She returned a sad smile. "Just seeing if you knew the difference between a passing fling and eternity. Life is a passing fling. But death ... Death is for always."

He snapped his fingers. "I knew it! This has to do with my language arts report on star-crossed lovers, doesn't it?" Then, he wagged a scolding finger before she could answer. "Love isn't about dying together, to be with each other forever. What matters is how you live together in the short time that you have. Because death doesn't accomplish anything. A dead man can't save anyone's life."

"Are you saying that to sound impressive, or do you really mean it?"

"It is impressive enough to get a passing grade on my report and stop you from turning our date into a tutoring session?"

She couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes."

"Then, both." He returned a smug smirk, pleased with himself for having figured out her lesson … or so he thought. "So … did I pass your test?"

"You aced it," she answered with a soft, proud smile.

"Then, this means you'll go out with me again? I've got a blitzball game tomorrow morning. I can pick you up on my way if you're interested in going."

Kaila slipped her arms under his, encircling his torso, and let her cheek rest against his chest. Closing her eyes, she listened to the sound of his heartbeat—his own unique heartbeat—as she weighed her conflicting thoughts and emotions. "No."

He drew back. "No to the game or …"

"You are so much like the first guy that I ever fell for. But … you're not really him."

He was more surprised than hurt to hear this admission. "I … don't understand. Did you go out with me just because I remind you of an old boyfriend?"

"I have thoroughly enjoyed being with you. But ..."

"But I'm not him," he finished for her.

You are who I always wished he could have been. Kaila bit her tongue to keep from saying that. Because when all was said and done, she would have to let go and hand him over to Braska's daughter. She wasn't ready for that—not yet. But she could think of no better gift to aid the young summoner in her impossible task. "There will always be a place in my heart for you. You are, without a doubt, one of the greatest guys I have ever met. But … I don't think we should see each other again."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're dumping me after one date? A date you enjoyed? I thought I passed the test? I shouldn't have kissed you, right? Auron and his stupid sword lectures ..." he muttered, berating himself.

"There's someone else who needs you."

He was utterly bewildered, and it showed. "So, I'm supposed to walk away as if we never met?"

"It was one date. That's not enough time to know me, let alone love me."

He stood with a frown. "No. But it was enough to know I could have."

Upset that she had upset him, Kaila watched him walk away. Then, resting her forehead on her knees, she tried not to cry. She had tried not to argue with him, but they argued anyway.

Bahamut appeared and sat beside her on the hill. "Are you okay?"

"I will be." Kaila dissolved her pyreflies, returning to her ghostly form. "He retains Shuyin's protective nature but completely rejects his foolish decisions. So, maybe he won't sprout horns and get into mischief the way Shuyin did."

"We left a fair amount of mischief intact, believe me. Take away too much of that, and he loses the personality traits he'll need to be accepted in the real world and survive the pilgrimage to the real Zanarkand. We need someone willing to break the temple's traditions, Lady Yunalesca's rituals, and Lord Yevon's spell of possession."

"I've thought about making another one like him, you know—one just for me. But I know now, it wouldn't be the same." Kaila wiped an eye and stood to face her friend. "No other illusion in this dream feels more real than he does. I'm going to miss him around here, but ... I think he's ready."

Bahamut sighed. "Then, you know what has to come next."

She nodded. "I know. He has a blitzball game tomorrow, but we have to derail it and point him toward the Abes earlier than he planned, without using his mother's death as the catalyst. I have an idea. Let's go talk to Auron." Standing and picking up her heels, Kaila led the way down the hill and back toward the harbor.