Katsuki can't remember why, but whenever he meets eyes with Izuku's his lungs tighten and his whole body feels cold.

Katsuki can't remember why Izuku avoids meeting his eyes for a couple days when it was fine just the day before and nothing bad has happened for over two weeks.

Katsuki can't remember why he chooses to sleep on the floor for a couple of nights when his bed should be perfectly fine.

Katsuki can't remember why he double checks his window is locked at night, he usually leaves them open to cool his room down.

Katsuki can't remember why the words 'Deku steals book 1:40am' is written in messy fading sharpie on his hand since the notebook is still in his bookcase at home and Izuku is at school a couple seats away from him.

Katsuki can't remember why he wakes up in cold sweat at 1:46am on the dot freezing cold and can't get back to sleep for a full twenty minutes.

Katsuki can't remember a whole lot, but he knows that Izuku can.

It's two days later before Izuku meets Katsukis eyes again, as usual they don't give much to clue in on what he's thinking of and he's left to untangle what he says with no outside help.

It's two further days before Izuku responds to any conversation properly, talking with him is like playing a game of words that he didn't sign up to and didn't know the rules of, his tone is always a little lackluster, a little rehersed, a little too well spoken for it to be genuine- he seems as though he's prepared everything, confident in speech and even bored with apathy hanging in the air around him. Neither of them say what they want to and Katsuki gets the feeling that Izuku knows much more than he does.

It's hard to feel the playing field is equal when you're talking to someone who consistently erases and replaces your memories every few weeks and lies about it constanty.

Sometimes Katsuki forgets completely, unaware of the memories he's lost until he catches a glimpse of 'notebook' written on his hand in block writting, of it pinned to his bookshelf, of the reminder on his phone. As time goes on the less the writing in the book feels like his own as his memories of the events fade to nothing, and the more he considers it's just Izuku fucking with him in a really elaborate way.

"Why are you doing this?" tumbles out of his mouth before he can stop it sometimes and Izuku always has the exact same answer

"I'm not doing anything"

They both know he's lying.

Deviation from a routine so repeated it has become unspoken is perhaps the most obvious sign of change, so when Izuku- doesn't take a day off until he's a breath from death- Midoriya misses school and the only explanation is from Inko that he 'wasn't feeling well' it is immediately suspicious and when Katsuki enters his room later in the day and he is sitting on his floor and completely immersed in some book about quirks and quirk science with a stack of books full of different coloured post it notes, he looks like he hasn't slept and he doesn't seem surprised that Katsuki is coming in.

He shuts the door behind him and Izuku glances up very briefly before turning his full attention back to his book, eyes scanning across the lines quickly- there's an almost frantic air to his actions.

"Deku?" the words are hesitant, almost unwilling to interfere for whatever reason. Izuku doesn't look up and reaches into his pocket before dropping the hand mid-way looking completely defeated with the way his shoulders slump. He puts a sticky note on the page, shuts it and puts it on the pile that's half his height.

It' s silent for a moment and it almost seems as though Izuku is collecting himself before he speaks

"Did you need something?" his voice strains a little with the little emotion he's shoving into it, the way his lips curve tightly but his eyes don't change is unnerving in a sense

"You weren't at school"

"I'm ill", Katsuki glances to the pile of books and knows it's a lie

"What were you reading?"

"Nothing you'll be interested in", his answer is instant and almost seems rehearsed and suddenly his head hurts just a little.

It almost feels familiar, him lingering by the door and staring at Izuku in silence and for whatever reason he expects Izuku to excuse himself. And when Izuku opens his mouth he expects him to do just that, but instead he let's the air fill his lungs and exhales it slowly and it really does seem like he's letting Katsuki win in some way, Katsuki almost feels bad even though he doesn't know what exactly he's winning.

"Why do you do this", and for the first time it's Izuku asking, even though it doesn't seem like a question he expects to get answered

"Do what?"

"Come here"

"You said you wanted to be friends", for a second it seems like Izukus breath catches a little

"I've never said that"

"Do you?"

"Does it matter"

Unlike usual Katsuki doesn't feel like he's playing chess with his words, doesn't feel like Izuku is just lying to him and denying it, he still feels like he doesn't know something but it's almost like he doesn't want to know- there's still a coldness every time he looks at Izuku and he's not quite sure if we wants to know exactly why that is, if it's Izuku just fucking with him or something... more.

The silence they stand in is thick, Izukus lips are still pointed upwards a tiny amount but it seems much more unnatural than usual in the tense atmosphere, the only sound is both of their breathing and it feels like moving will break something happening that's bigger than Katsuki knows.

He can't just stare at that slight robotic smile for much longer so his eyes wander around the room, the excessive pile of books he's accumulated is stuffed with sticky notes who's meaning he doesn't understand, across the room is a calendar still on April with a black X marked on the first day of the month- the day everything changed so quickly. One day Izuku had been reserved and a little timid, the next he seemed like he was missing so much but he couldn't quite pin point what and it didn't help that his memories were more than a little fuzzy from that day with three or four versions of fuzzy memories with him not being able to decide which one was the right one.

Katsuki doesn't know how long they stand in silence but it seems like it's cut short when Izuku excuses himself, he almost feels like he should grab his wrist and stop him but he doesn't.

It's been three minutes and Katsuki wonders to the pile of books and flips the first one that Izuku had been reading earlier over to see it's cover and then the next two.

'The science behind Quirks'

'Quirks, science not magic'

'The in's and out's of Quirk genome'

Why did Izuku have so many books on quirks? Katsuki thinks as he puts the books back as they were and waits for Izuku to come back- he almost has a sense of knowing and dread so he wanders to the bathroom and knocks on the door

"Deku?" he asks and gets no response

He gently twists the doorknob and it opens, worn white door swinging open to-

Katsuki is back in class and he feels like his heart is halfway up his throat. He can't remember why, but after school lets out and he asks Inko why Izuku wasn't in school it seems chillingly familiar. As he's walking home and about to take the turn to go to Izuku's instead he stops, maybe he shouldn't see Izuku today, maybe he was actually ill. He ignores the tightness in his chest as he takes the turning to his own home.

Katsuki couldn't remember why he didn't go to see Izuku that day, but some part of him tells him that Izuku does.

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If this fic isn't for you and you want to review I only ask it's constructive, if it's mindless hate I will ignore