It's third lesson and as usual Katsuki's mind begins to wonder to Izuku and just like most days it begins to eat at him from the inside and the worry begins, every time he doesn't see Izuku for a couple hours or know where he is there's a growing ball of nerves that doesn't fuck off until he's caught even a glimpse of that green hair, his thoughts run in every direction about what Izuku is doing and for a reason he can't remember every time he opens his room door after not seeing him during school or opens up a private door he has the growing feeling of dread that prickles over his skin like a hundred needles and gruelling images flash through his mind that last just a moment before they fade into the forgotten.
It begins with a slight tapping of his pen against his desk, he barely notices he does it most of the time and it's only when his hand starts to ache a little he fully realises the tapping- sometimes he tries to stop but it builds like heavy tension in his hand and his brain starts to clog up, it isn't usually long before he gives in to the building pressure and starts tapping again.
After a while it progresses, worry takes a vice grip on his brain and he cannot block out the endless thoughts whispering about how much has gone wrong and how he did nothing to stop it.
Every time Izuku was out of his sight for too long or he had no knowledge of his wherabouts his mind leapt for the worst scenario and it made his lungs tighten- Izuku was dead, he was beaten, lost, captured, he'd done something awful- where had that last one come from? Katsuki was sure there wasn't a bad bone in Izukus body an doubted he could intentionally hurt let alone kill someone- for whatever reason the growing ball of nerves in his chest disagreed and it only served to make his mind eat at him more about whatever memories he could be missing.
Katsuki knew that it was Izuku was the one who fucked with his memory, gave him all those awful headaches and the images of his dead body, the worry that ate at his mind endlessly- all things he resented and kept him awake at night but weirdly he put up with it and didn't complain, maybe a part of him thought he deserved this and that it was his fault.
It almost stings to see how little Izuku cares but he tries to pass it off as being tired, he's sad and he does care he just can't show it because he's caught up in his own head, he's focused on work so he can't pay full attention and it'd be selfish to expect him to, he's just had a hard day and he's not in the mood to talk. It's much easier to think a pleasing lie that than to face the truth.
Katsuki can pretend all he likes that the reason Izuku is suddenly a little better is as innocent as he was when they were kids but the part of his mind he tries to silence knows that Izuku is not that same little boy with hope for heroes and there is something much darker wrapped around Izuku that makes Katsukis blood run cold sometimes, deep down in the parts of him self he doesn't listen to he knows whatever reason Izuku is very suddenly hopefull cannot be good for anybody.
Before he lights up Izuku gets taken by a villain and Katsuki is trying to shove past the pro's telling him that if he goes after his friend he will be hurt and it's best to do what the villain says to avoid unneeded causalities- his mind is swarmed with endless possibilities and his lungs are closing in on themselves, he needs to catch even a glimpse of Izuku safe just so he knows.
He runs the other way of the alley Izuku was dragged into at knife point and used as bait for some low level villain to get out of being caught, it makes his blood boil that they had just used him like some get out of jail free card.
He's searching the alley and calling out Izuku's name every couple of moments and straining his ears for any semblance of a response- as long as he doesn't resist the villain he'll be fine right? That villain wouldn't want a murder charge as well right?
His attempts at soothing the panic in his own mind doesn't help his racing thoughts and straining lungs at all.
It's been three minutes of painfully loud panicked thoughts, in the back of his mind he hates himself for being so weak as to succumb to these thoughts but in the forefront he hates himself for not being strong enough to do anything, not being smart enough to think ahead to this situation and prevent it by taking their uniforms off before they left the school, that's why he'd been taken right?
After three minutes of battling his lungs to work and his heart to stop pounding in his ears he catches a glimpse of green hair and he sprints for it, a growing feeling of dread settling over his whole body like the worst case of pins and needles, he can feel them on every inch as he rounds the corner to the alley and is hit with the worst possible sight.
It's Izuku, his arm is caked in his own blood and he can't make out whatever has been carved so deep in his flesh that it killed him. Katsuki runs to his side and feels his neck, there's a fast fading pulse he can barely feel even when he pushes his fingers as hard as he can.
He's shoving his hands against the gaping wounds he knows will kill the boy below him, he still pushes in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding even a little- he knows a little about how to do it but he's so frantic to do something and his mind is so full of thoughts bubbling over he hasn't the room to recall it.
The dread is washed away by heavy waves of regret that fills his lungs until he feels like he's drowning, his hands are covered in blood that's not his own and all he can focus on is Izukus truly empty face, his eyes are half lidded and more dull then they've ever been before.
He wants to scream and beg for something to happen that stops the inevitable he knows is coming, just pleading endlessly in his mind for somebody to come along with the perfect quirk who knows exactly what to do, or even for him to be able to do anything- to be able to stop the bleeding or to know how to get Izuku to wake up again and not let him die.
Katsuki feels so weak as Izuku dies right below him and he can do nothing about it, it feels familiar in a way he can't place as he crouches over Izukus dead body that's still clutching a blood covered flip knife in a pool of his blood. He hates himself for not being able to help this at all, he hates himself for not being strong enough to go through the pros and beat that villain, if only he'd-
It's a week and a half after he started at UA and for one of the first times in a year he seemed to be hopeful of something, Katsuki didn't know what since last he remembers he was on a boring train ride drabbling about his day to fill the painful silence that reminds him of that truth he's trying to snub out in his mind, as usual Izukus responses are vapid, just nodding and saying 'yeah' and other meaningless phrases at the right time an it feels more like he's reading a script to a brick wall than talking to another person. It's halfway through this conversation that Izuku seems to suddenly just light up, like a fire has been lit inside of him and for the first time in a year there's a glimmer of light that reaches his eyes properly.
Katsuki doesn't know what happened in the second or two that it took for Izuku to seem alive instead of a stumbling corpse but if the growing ball of dread that's sinking to his stomach is anything to go by it can't be good. He tries to ignore it and just be happy that Izuku is a tiny bit better than he has been for the last year.
He thinks to how utterly defeated he looked sitting in his room by a stack of books, how devoid of hope his eyes were and for a moment Katsuki could not see a person in there, just empty sadness in the same shape of one. So for now, as long as he doesn't know if why Izuku is living now he can pretend it's good, he can shove any doubts or coiling dread aside and just be happy for him.
For whatever reason Katsuki insists that he and Izuku change out of their uniforms before they walk home for the next couple days, he can't explain why but he feels a flash of panic whenever there's a common villain attack on the way home for the next week and he drags Izuku the opposite direction and insists they wait it out for ten or twenty minutes until the fight is over and the pro's have taken care of it. Izuku seems a little annoyed that Katsuki gives him his hoodie everyday and asks he put it on before they leave, or that everytime the fairly common villains attack that are nowhere near a match for a pro hero he drags him off, but just as when Izuku is annoyed about anything else it's always contained to a slight twinging uninterested look in his eye that almost hurts more than if he just outright said so.
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