Izuku was many things, but patient with a near catatonic state Katsuki for two and a half long days after watching one corpse burn was not one of them.
It started out convenient, he could give as little attention to Katsuki as he wanted as he'd respond on complete auto. He'd reset a whole eight times in the first day and Katsuki hadn't noticed a thing, and if he had he'd been too wrapped up with himself to say anything about it or interrupt his plans like usual- for once he'd had a little excitement during resets but eventually the adrenaline of stealing tiny things from shops and skipping school only to reset and do something different had worn of quickly and by the seventh reset tiring out a lot of the options with no Katsuki to come and make things a little intresting or stop him it was just another thing to do to pass time that got old as everything else, he wasn't quite in the mood or had the reasons to justify it to himself to do something bigger that would be a bit of a difference but he supposed it was best to leave that to be an occasion as to not tire it out like most other things.
The second day it had begun to grate on his nerves a little, he'd been so glassy eyed and robotic and with no difference in activity it was boring to drag a catatonic Katsuki around their usual routine with a painfully obviously fake 'it'll be alright, I'll fix it' with a hand on his shoulder- it made him want to laugh bitterly at it, Katsuki was the problem and one he could only hope to control, if he'd never remembered anything then he'd be free to go and do whatever he wanted and reset as many times as he wanted with nobody remembering anything. Izuku hated leaving things in the hands of fate, it was so unpredictable and uncontrollable he couldn't plan for whatever was going to be thrown at him next, all he could do is hope it wouldn't be enough to ruin his current plans- it initiated another thing he hated doing, hoping.
Hoping was an 'if only' thought by everybody who couldn't stand up and get it themselves, he could spend his life moping about an 'if only' when he'd been run over and killed when he was six and found out he had a quirk and his life had been perfect- hoping without action was for dreamers, and Izuku certainly was not a dreamer from all the things he'd done for even a chance to get any closer to his own goal.
Izuku had even snapped once or twice at Katsuki that was not followed by the usual brief fear that prevailed, logically his reaction should be stronger now since he knew what Izuku was capable of but he barely even flinched. It gets annoying dragging dead weight around the whole day and he keeps reminding himself that this is what it takes for Katsuki to not be able to talk, this is what he has to endure.
Day three rolls around and when Izuku see's his eyes glassy when they meet outside his house he can tell at what kind of long day it's going to be and mentally groans a little but greets him just the same as every other day.
When they're walking Katsuki says about 'fixing it' again, it grates on his nerves further that Katsuki thinks he's helping in this situation. He keeps his thoughts to himself, it's something that shouldn't be said out loud- for Katsuki because he won't be able to take it and for Izuku because dealing with another one of his breakdowns is an excruciatingly boring waste of his time.
A breakdown was a showing sign of the cracks beginning to expand within him and it was the last thing he needed, sure he'd wondered how much he could push Katsuki but it had been a fun little 'what if' he toyed with in his head when he was bored- it was a bit more relaxing to watch someone die than watch someone break and unless he broke in the perfectly mouldable way he'd have a much harder time predicting what he was going to do and being able to warp that in the little ways that mattered, if he couldn't do that what good was he? It'd just be another chore that ate away at his time with no foreseeable purpose much like the meeting with Nezu he was currently in.
The meetings happen during his lunch period, they last around ten minutes and it's more of a quick check-up than any in depth conversation which he is thankful for, talking to Nezu in his already annoyed state makes him need to reset more after a slip of the mouth.
It's been two resets and as usual the principle seems off, his beady eyes are twinkling in a way that cannot mean good for him. Nezu stirs tea and the clinking against the cup really doesn't help for his ever shortening patience
"A student approached me about your quirkless status yesterday- he's in your class, Shinsou Hitoshi"
He had always been weird around him after a couple resets, maybe it was tied to the nature of his quirk that made him more resistant to whatever kind of brain washing memory erasure of his own. Another possible problem tossed onto the pile was not welcome at all.
"Did he disagree with my presence at a hero academy?"
Nobody had said anything, but he guessed that if he broadcasted his quirkless status that would change
"No, he was just asking about what your quirk was and seemed surprised when I told him you were quirkless"
"I don't broadcast my status to many, I've had... unpleasant experiences"
Playing the bullying card was a little lower than he liked to pull but it was enough for the principle to nod and drop the subject not wanting to bring up any unwanted memories
"I just thought I'd make you aware, maybe it's best to talk to him and find his opinion to make sure it isn't hostile- students can get defensive when staff ask"
Izuku nodded and added it to the short list of things to do, he'd seen the boy in question throw him a couple looks during class after a reset and holding his head a little, it wasn't ideal to have to approach him and make himself known but the other option would be having to lie about not wanting to approach him for some meek reason that made pity shine in other peoples eyes.
He's dismissed with the usual exchange of pleasant goodbyes and he heads for the lunch room, eyes looking for Katsukis and when they come up with nothing he walks to the bathroom he went into as they were walking to the office together.
When he opens the door he finds Katsuki by the sinks breathing as if he doesn't know how and eyes once again filled with life
"Come on, lunch is going to end soon"
He tries to weasel a kindness into his words but the annoyance of having to deal with it wins it over and it sounds much less friendly than he wanted it to.
Katsuki doesn't respond verbally as he usually does, instead he pulls on a tight smile and nods
"Lets go"
Izuku knows he should at least pretend to be a good friend and offer him a hand or a chance to lead but the annoyance has taken over again and he's turned around and started walking with apathy seeping out of every pore.
Katsuki jogs to catch up to him and gives him an odd look before turning his attention to the ground with a straining smile
"You don't need to walk me every time, it makes you miss lunch"
It's the small insignificant acts that Izuku can't really wrap his head around, it's an action that wouldn't matter if he stopped doing and gives him nothing but negatives in return yet he continues to walk him to that office and wait outside, and every time he does he's missed half of lunch and what he did have has gone uncomfortably cold.
A thought of the difference between him and Katsuki has once again had a bright red ring drawn around it, and as he has before he thinks about it as Katsuki mutters something about friendship
Izuku does think that part of him died when he stepped from that roof and then did the same thirty times over with no success, not the part he wanted to die or even the part that the current him considered important. He thinks that when he found he couldn't die he lost more than a way out but what made him properly alive in the first place.
He knows he lost a part of himself that day, a part that left a gaping void in himself that ravened his mind and could only be calmed by corpses and the sight of a burning jumper, the only time it let him feel whole.
Katsuki is stumbling over himself like a new-born deer and he thinks that maybe this is a little more annoying, the aftermath of what he did and had to do to keep it covered is long and tests his patience more than a little.
He makes a note to himself to always look behind him when he's going to do something that somebodies knowledge of makes him have to sit through this just to cover himself.
Izuku goes home and finds comfort in three things, the handgun he picked up five days ago, one burner phone of many and the rolling warmth of his lighter when he rolls it with a thumb that just barely aches
xxxxxxxxxx
If this fic isn't for you and you want to review I only ask it's constructive, if it's mindless hate I will ignore
Quick update: I completely forgot to update on here but I'm taking a couple days off, just some personal stuff I'm working through that got in the way of writing a bit- but I definitely will continue this fic and hopefully pretty soon. Sorry I forgot to say on here and left the usual update hanging, I'll double check I've updated everywhere before I post if I need to again x
