A/N: I'm back! I'm back and I have some news to share in the ending A/N for you all. Namely I published a book, I started a side-business selling candles on Etsy, and my updating for this story will be a little different than it should be (I won't be updating every 2 days or every other day or every day but more whenever I can get time to get the next chapter edited), but most of that will be explained more in the end A/N so be sure to check it out!

~8~

The Barbarian Sublimation

Claire had a small smile on her face as she sat on the armchair in Sheldon's apartment, typing away at her laptop while Sheldon sat with his own computer on his lap as well on the couch in his spot. Where she was working on a writing project, Sheldon was playing an online game of some sort, obvious by the headset he was wearing as he went on.

"Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror," he said, making Claire laugh at his title, "We are about to enter Axel's fortress. Now this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor," he felt a small smile creep onto his face at Claire's snickering at his words.

He looked up, about to ask her to join him on the quest he was about to take on as she really would be a much better asset than Barry was, she could at least hold her bladder when needed. But his words were cut off when there was a banging from the hallway that made both of them frown.

"Sheldor is AFK," Sheldon called as he got up after Claire, following her to the hall where they could see Penny struggling to get into her apartment.

"Oh Pen, hold on, let me help," Claire hurried over to her, taking a brown paper grocery bag from her.

"Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?" Sheldon asked, seeing that, despite Claire taking the bag from her, Penny was still struggling to get into the apartment.

"Yes, I can't get the stupid door open!" Penny snapped.

Claire gave Sheldon a look for that, even Sheldon could tell that Penny was in a foul mood, "Well, sugar, that might be because you're trying to use your car key."

Penny let out an angry huff at that, "Can you use your key then?" she turned, reaching out to yank the bags back from Claire to give her free hands…only to yank too hard and send the contents spilling all over the floor, "Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!"

"Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?" Sheldon inquired as Penny dropped down to her knees to try and grab what she could off the floor.

"Um, Pen," Claire winced, glancing at the apartment door, "Not to add more to this, but I don't think my key is gonna help much."

"Why not?" Penny nearly growled.

"Well…" Claire sighed, "It looks like your car key's wedged in the lock…"

"Seriously?!" Penny threw the small handful of items she'd gathered back on the floor.

"Well that's not surprising," Sheldon stated, "That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagon uses a center cylinder system."

"Thank you, Sheldon!" Penny hissed.

"You're welcome."

Claire closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead at that, "Sarcasm, Shelly," she pointed out.

"Point of inquiry?" Sheldon held up a hand as though he were in school and waiting for the teacher's permission, which Claire gestured him to go on, but he just turned to Penny, "Why did you put your car key in the door lock?"

"Why?" Penny nearly snapped as she pushed herself to her feet, "I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and, before I could even start, they told me I looked too 'Midwest' for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?!"

"Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure…"

"Shelly," Claire sighed.

But Penny was raging, "I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it!"

"Oh, Pen," Claire moved over to her, putting an arm around her shoulder as Penny's angry shouts turned into sobs of frustration. She would have made a comment about the sex part, about how Leonard was still waiting for Penny to let him know about a second date for them, that if she tried to actually have a relationship with Leonard she might get sex from it someday...but Penny really did seem upset and now probably wasn't the best time to remind her about yet another 'failed' aspect of her life.

"Well," Sheldon shifted as he spoke, "Actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein."

Penny gave him a look for that.

Claire just rubbed her arm, "That's actually his way of trying to comfort you, Penny," she murmured to the girl, "He's trying to make you feel better for the fly thing by saying, in some cases, it's a healthy and good thing to do."

Penny deflated at that, all her anger and frustration just sinking into resignation and weariness. She nodded her head in thanks, wiping beneath her eyes before she moved to try and pick up the brown bag and gather her things again…

Only for the bottom to fall out, sending a carton of milk spilling all over the floor.

"Oh, son of a bitch!"

Sheldon eyed the spilled and ripped materials, "I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag."

"Shelly," Claire gave him a firm look, "Not helping at the moment. Now," she turned back to Penny, "You come with us," she took Penny's arm, "You can join me and Shelly on the couch. Let's get you some nice, hot tea to drink while I call the locksmith and have him come to see about the lock, ok?"

"Ok," Penny's voice shook with tears as she looked down at the milk on the ground.

"Hey now," Claire nudged her gently, "Like mamas everywhere say, 'there ain't no use crying over spilled milk.'"

Penny sniffled at that but nodded, letting Claire lead her into the other apartment, Sheldon following behind with one more glance back at the milk seeping into the carpet of the hall. He shook his head, that was going to stain and smell soon, he'd have to call the landlord to see about that.

Sheldon looked up as he heard Claire talking, "You can sit just about anywhere, except Sheldon's spot."

"Or the armrest," Penny added with a sniff, sitting down on the armchair where Claire had been sitting before.

Sheldon opened his mouth to tell Penny to move, that was where Claire was sitting at the moment, but Claire gave him a look and shook her head, silently telling him not to say a word before she moved towards the kitchen section to get some tea ready, feeling very thankful that Sheldon was there. He was the tea expert and if she ended up burning another teapot, well, at least he'd be there to shut the pot off before it reached that point. She really needed to work on her focus in the kitchen.

Sheldon moved over to the couch and sat down in his spot, sending Penny a disapproving look when she put her feet up on the coffee table till she put them down again. He sighed, picking up his headset and laptop and getting back to his mission, hopefully, by now, Barry had relieved himself, "Sheldor is back online."

"Sheldor?" Penny raised an eyebrow at that.

"The Conqueror," Sheldon nodded, not understanding the question.

Claire laughed, "He's playing 'Age of Conan,'" she called to Penny, "That's his character."

"Age of Conan?"

Sheldon sighed, "AFK," he pulled the headset off and looked at Penny, "An online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian."

"Oh," Penny nodded, though Claire could see she still had no idea what he was going on about.

Sheldon, however, nodded, and placed his headset back on, "Sheldor, back online."

Penny nodded slowly, before looking at Claire, "What's AFK?" she asked her, sensing that Sheldon would get irritated with the continuous questions if she asked him.

"Away From Keyboard," she answered, turning the teapot off. She'd made some tea only a few minutes before Penny had gotten back so it hadn't taken all that long for the pot to go off again, which meant a lesser chance of her burning the teapot. Again.

"OIC."

Sheldon paused, blinking as he turned to Penny, "What does that stand for?"

Penny gave him a look for that, like she couldn't believe he was truly asking her that, "Oh, I See?"

"Yes, but what does it stand for?"

"O-h-I-s-e-e," Claire spelled it out for him, understanding that something like that could get tricky where the letters and the way the words sounded were too close.

"Oh," Sheldon nodded, before smiling, "IC."

~8~

Penny had moved to the middle of the couch by the time Leonard returned home later that day, now sitting wedge between Sheldon and Claire with a laptop on her knees, a look of concentration on her face.

"Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on," Sheldon was instructing as Leonard stepped through the door.

"Oh, I don't know," Penny grimaced, "Can I see them in another color?"

Claire laughed, "Sorry Pen, game's not that advanced yet."

"Just click on them," Sheldon agreed, "Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior."

"What's going on?" Leonard slowly approached, eyeing Penny as though she were some sort of wild animal he'd never seen before.

"Leonard, guess what, I'm a level three warrior!" Penny cheered, beaming at him.

"Great. You know there are groceries outside of your apartment?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Penny waved him off, turning back to the game, "Shhh!"

"I only bring it up because your ice cream is melting and it's starting to attract wildlife…"

"Uh huh, yeah," Penny looked at Sheldon, "Do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?"

Claire chuckled and looked at Leonard, "Had a bit of a bad day, Leonard. Penny's just trying to wind down now."

"It doesn't matter," Sheldon answered Penny, "Right now you're looking for treasure."

"Ok," Penny nodded, focusing more.

Leonard hesitated before moving over to Claire, gesturing her to slide to the end of the couch to speak with him as he crouched down, "How does Penny having a bad day equate to her playing Age of Conan?"

Claire smiled, "She got her car key jammed in our apartment lock, lost a role to an audition, has been involuntarily celibate for half a year, and may have swallowed a fly."

"Half a year of no sex?"

Clare's smile turned into an unamused expression, "She lost a potential job, and THAT's what you focus on?"

"Oh my God!" Penny cheered behind her, "A treasure chest, I'm rich!"

"You're only level three, Penny," Sheldon shook his head at her, "You're not rich," he glanced up at Leonard and Claire, "What a noob."

Penny just reached out and punched him in the arm.

"Come on, Pen," Claire shuffled back over to her, "Let's see about getting you a sword."

~8~

Claire shook her head as she watched Raj setting up a sort of experiment in the middle of Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. He had a stereo speaker lying on its back, with cling wrap stretched over it, and was in the process of pouring a sort of white liquid onto the film covering the middle of the speaker.

"Y'all set up?" she asked, Raj merely gave her a thumb's up, still not able to speak around her.

"Let her rip!" Howard cheered as Leonard turned the stereo on, allowing some music to play through the room, the speaker emphasizing the bass portion, making the liquid start to jump about in a gooby glob instead of how a liquid should move.

The boys started to cheer, slightly swaying to the music, when Penny pushed open the door and entered, a laptop in hand, "Hi!"

"Hey, check it out!" Leonard called her over, "It's just corn starch and water."

"They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker," Sheldon added.

"That's what makes it get all funky," Howard jived to the tune.

"I still don't see what y'all are getting so excited for," Claire shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest, "We did this experiment as kids in school, it's nothing all that new. I'd bet even Penny's done something like this before."

"Yeah, yeah," Penny answered, though it was clear to them all that she was more waving the question off than actually answering it, "Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon."

Howard and Raj stared at her a moment, till Raj leaned over to whisper to Howard, "No, that's what she said, Sheldon," Howard confirmed.

Penny rolled her eyes at them and turned to Sheldon, "Ok, look, I bought the game, and I've been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can't figure out how to get past the guard captain."

"Do you have the enchanted sword?" Sheldon asked.

"No, no, I've got a bronze dagger."

"Ooh," Claire's face scrunched in a wince, "That's not gonna help you Pen, only an Enchanted Sword can kill the guard captain."

Howard blinked at her, "YOU play Age of Conan?"

He wasn't sure which surprised him more, that Claire played, that Penny was playing, or that two hot women were talking about Age of Conan right in front of him.

"Shelly is my best friend," she repeated, something she'd used as an explanation for quite a few things the others were shocked she knew about, "Who do you think was his partner on half his quests, healing him when he got too cocky and nearly died?"

"Yeah, I'd like to avoid the dying part," Penny cut in, "This sword, how do I get it?"

"Have you been to the Temple of Mithra?" Sheldon looked at her.

"Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?"

"No, no, no," Sheldon shook his head, before getting exasperated, "Oh for God's sake, gimme," he reached out and took the laptop.

"Thank you, I really appreciate this."

"You're going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny."

"Don't patronize me, just get the sword!"

"Oh just ignore him, Pen, grown man still doesn't know how to drive," Claire remarked, moving to Sheldon's side to see if he might need help getting the sword.

"What the frak?" Howard just gaped at them, at the two attractive women on either side of Sheldon.

"Beats me," Leonard agreed, equally as lost, "They were playing all last night too."

"It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover," Claire heard Raj whisper to the boys, clearly his inability to speak to women or around women was countered by the fact that they weren't really looking or paying attention to him.

"Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty," Howard agreed.

"I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?"

"Marcie is," Claire looked over at them, making Raj let out a little squeak, as though he'd been caught doing something wrong instead of just talking.

"Yeah," Leonard nodded, "Peppermint Patty's just athletic."

"There you go," Sheldon hit one more key and handed the computer back to Penny, "One enchanted sword."

"Right, gimme, gimme, gimme," Penny half-yanked the laptop back, "I want to kill the guard captain!" before she headed out of the room.

"That girl needs to get a life," Sheldon muttered.

"Oh hush, Shelly, she's just upset and using the game to cope with the disappointments of life," Claire countered, "I think we've all been there before, wanting to be cooler than we are, wanting to go on a mystical quest for glory, but being stuck working behind a desk," she glanced at the boys, "She's playing Age of Conan, and we're making corn starch dance, hit the music Leonard."

Leonard did just that.

~8~

Sheldon stormed into his apartment a few days later, marching right up to Leonard as the man worked on something at his desk, "Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, the only area of my life she's not interfering in is Claire!"

It was a nightmare! Penny had snuck into his room one night to ask him questions about a quest that she was being used as bait in. But it wasn't that she'd woken him up from a sound sleep that had been the worst part of it, no, the worst part was she'd come into his room. NO ONE, save a very select few (like his mother, on rare occasions, or Claire), was allowed into his room. But Penny had breached the sanctum. On top of that, she kept calling him while he was at work or at meetings to ask questions about even more quests.

It had gotten to the point that he'd snapped at her and told her that, no she wasn't ready for the Sanctum of Burning Souls, because she needed 4 more people and one of them had to be a Level 35 Healer or higher, and told her to just go ask Claire because her character was a Healer and a very high level one.

But Penny just didn't stop!

Leonard gave him a look, "Why should I do something, you're the one who introduced her to online gaming."

"Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening."

"And what?" Leonard crossed his arms, leaning back on his chair, "Am I going to be the one that has to do something about Claire if she has a crisis too?"

"Oh please, Leonard, be serious," Sheldon scoffed, "Claire is a complex person, I doubt YOU would be able to work through any of her problems."

Leonard raised an eyebrow at that, "Is that your way of saying YOU are going to be the one helping Claire when she has a problem?"

"I've done it before, I'll do it again," Sheldon stuck up his chin, as though Leonard had challenged him to something. Claire's problems were always like a puzzle to work through, and he liked puzzles.

"Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?" Leonard suggested, getting back to the main point.

"Why would I ever tell Claire to leave me alone?" Sheldon frowned.

"Not Claire, Penny."

"Oh," Sheldon blinked, "Well, I did tell her. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my facebook status to 'Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone.' I don't know what else to do."

"Well, what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Sheldon sighed, "But if you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with."

"You mean, up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?"

"Yes."

And the most alarming part, to Leonard, was that Sheldon was being dead serious.

"I'll go talk to her," Leonard half-leapt out of the chair and hurried for the door.

He had just opened it only to see Claire on the other side with her hand poised to knock, "Oh," she jumped slightly at nearly running into him, "Leonard, good, you need to come with me."

"What, why?"

"Well, there's a…problem, and it's either you or Shelly and it's Penny so…"

"Right, right," Leonard sighed, understanding, Sheldon wasn't quite the best person to turn to when you were upset or going through something. From what he understood of what happened with Penny a few days ago, it had been mostly Claire that had been comforting to her, "What happened?"

"You'd probably have to see for yourself," she nodded over her shoulder and led him towards the apartment she and Penny shared, pushing open the door to reveal…

Penny.

Sitting on the couch with a laptop and headset ready.

Her hair a mess, her makeup smudged, her clothes loose and full of stains and sweat and grunge.

"No, Fritz, I need you on my flank!" Penny was shouting into the headset, "No, I don't know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!"

"Hey Penny…" Leonard began after the shock of seeing her like that wore off.

"Busy," was all Penny said.

Leonard looked at Claire for a moment, the girl just nodding and gesturing for him to go on, that this was the problem she was trying to tell him about.

"Yeah…" he trailed off, "I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?" he glanced at Claire, "Shouldn't she be at work?"

Claire just gestured at Penny again, a more expressive look on her face, telling him that she had obviously mentioned that as well to Penny yet there the woman was.

"I don't work on Mondays," Penny brushed it off.

Claire sighed, "Pen, it's Thursday."

"Yeah, listen Penny..." Leonard began.

"Uh, Queen Penelope AFK," Penny huffed, pulling her headset down to look at Leonard, "What?!"

"Ok," Leonard rubbed the side of his head a moment, "Um, here's the thing, um," he glanced at Claire who motioned him to keep going, "Sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted…"

"Yeah, get to the point or have Claire explain cos I'm about to level up here!"

"Well, it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment," Leonard explained.

Penny gave him a blank look and turned to Claire.

"You need to get a life, Pen," was all she said. As good and helpful as it was to loose yourself in a fantasy game to cope with the disappointments of life, it was another thing entirely to get THAT lost in them that you put your life on complete hold. She hadn't thought it was that bad for Penny that she'd sunk this deep into the world of online gaming, but she was regretting not stopping her sooner.

"That wasn't what I was saying!" Leonard defended.

Penny didn't seem to care though, "Yeah, jabber, jabber, jabber," she pulled her headset back on, "Ok boys, Queen Penelope's back online!"

Leonard frowned, leaning forward, spotting something not-blonde in Penny's hair, something that was more…orange?

He grimaced, "Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair."

Penny reached up with one hand, not taking her other away from the computer to pull a cheeto out of it, "Oh, thanks," she mumbled…

And then ate it.

"…wow," Leonard gaped at her, that was…very much not-Penny like.

"Yup," Claire nodded, before shaking her head at Penny and crossing her arms in concern.

~8~

Claire was watching Sheldon carefully as the poor guy was nodding off while he sat in his chair in the university's cafeteria. He and Leonard were on one side of the table, Howard on the other, while she sat on the end near Sheldon.

"Hey gu…" Raj's voice suddenly went squeaky as he approached and spotted Claire sitting there, so he nodded a greeting at her.

"Hey," Leonard and Howard called in return, Sheldon's head just bobbing as he slept on.

"How ya doing, Raj?" Claire smiled at him, though she didn't really take her eyes off of Sheldon, not wanting him to fall asleep in his food.

Raj frowned and jerked a head at Sheldon in question.

"Penny's been keeping him up at night," Leonard explained.

"Me too," Howard sighed, "But probably in a different way."

Claire rolled her eyes and grabbed one of her notebooks out of her bag on the floor to whack him in the arm for that comment, "Penny's gotten a little obsessed with Age of Conan," she informed the men, "If I wasn't used to binging on coffee and all-nighters I'd be just as much a mess as Sheldon. She's playing it non-stop, long into the night," she sighed and reached out to gently wake up Sheldon, "Shelly, Shelly-Bean, you've gotta wake up now…"

Despite Claire lightly shaking his arm, Sheldon jerked awake, "Danger, danger!"

"Will Robinson's fine," Claire patted his arm, reassuring him. For as long as she could remember, he'd always wake up like that when he was startled awake, as if he were dreaming of being among the Robinsons and hearing the call coming.

"Afternoon men," Leslie Winkle approached, moving to sit on the opposite end of the table, across from Claire, "Bookworm…"

"Rip-Van," Claire returned the name. Even though her name from Leslie wasn't too bad, the woman was notorious for poking fun at Sheldon and so she couldn't bring herself to give the woman anything less than a semi-mocking name in return.

Leslie seemed to accept it though and just continued her greetings, "Sheldon."

"Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding…" he suddenly cut off with a heavy breath, "Oh, I'm too tired to do this."

"There, there," Claire reached out to pat Sheldon's arm. He reminded her of a pouty toddler when he was tired.

"Right, I heard you've been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie," Leslie remarked.

"She comes into my room," he looked at Claire next, "No one's supposed to be in my room but you or my mother."

Claire smiled at that, she was well aware, it had taken forever for her to get him to even agree to let his mother enter his room with less fight than he normally gave the woman, "I know, Shelly," she patted his arm again.

"Well, I would postulate that she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration," Leslie remarked.

"I do that too," Howard chipped in, "But probably in a different wa…ow!" he winced as Claire hit him in the arm again.

"It's not just that, Leslie," Claire defended, "If it was just the sex, Penny woulda snapped long before now. It's just…a lot of other things coming together at once and she's not handling it well."

"Yeah," Leonard agreed, "She's just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex."

"Everything has to do with sex," Leslie argued.

"Mmmm," Howard grinned, putting his hand up for a high-five, "Testify."

"I'm not touching that," Leslie deadpanned.

"I will," Claire shrugged.

Howard spun to her so quickly that the table was almost certain he'd gotten whiplash, "You will!?"

She smiled demurely at him…before smacking his hand with her notebook.

Howard rolled his eyes at that, she did that a lot, hit him when he was being too…well, he didn't know the word. HE was just fine, it was HER that had the problem. Angry, violent Texan ginger…

"Leslie," Leonard turned to the woman once more, "You are way off base here…"

"Hang on, Leonard," Sheldon perked up, "While I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness."

"Thank you," Leslie deadpanned, unamused, "My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some."

"Some what?" Sheldon frowned.

Claire sighed, "Coitus."

"I'll take the bullet!" Howard nearly jumped at the chance.

Claire looked down at her notebook and then up at him, "This is going to fall apart before the year is over with you around, isn't it?"

Howard shrugged, "I give it to the end of the month."

Claire nodded at that, agreeing…before smacking his shoulder with the notebook, "You are NOT having sex with Penny, Howard. NO ONE," she pointed a warning finger at both Leonard and Raj as well, prompting both men to hold up their hands in innocence, "Here is having sex with Penny. Understood?" they nodded, "Good."

"You're right Claire," Sheldon agreed, "We should have a neutral third party," and, before Claire could even respond to that, Sheldon turned around and tapped the shoulder of a young man sitting behind him at the table beside theirs, "Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?" he asked the relatively attractive man.

"No…" the man seemed confused.

"Would you like to be?"

"Shelly…" Claire tried to stop him.

But the man just gave Sheldon a pointed look up and down, appraising him, "Uh, sure, why not?"

"Sheldon…" even Leonard tried to stem the event.

"Zip it, pip it," Sheldon waved him off, focusing on the young man, "Can I have your phone number?"

"Uh…" the man blinked, considering that, before leaning in and trying to catch a glimpse of Sheldon's lap area, "Yeah," he smiled, nodding, "Yeah," he turned and picked a pen off his tray, returning to Sheldon and writing his number on Sheldon's hand.

"There," Sheldon turned back to them, holding his hand up for them to see the number, "Problem solved."

"Dumbass," Leslie snorted.

"Oh Shelly," Claire sighed, "Come with me," she stood up and held a hand out to him.

"Where are we going?" he asked, standing and not even pausing to do as she asked.

"Your office, where you are going to take a nap."

"I'm not even tired anymore," he countered as they started to go, "The adrenaline from executing a plan to deter Penny is creating a copious amount of stimulation."

"You're tired, Shell, you just agreed with Leslie Winkle on something…and…well," she shrugged, "We're gonna have to talk about social and sexual cues again."

If Howard spit out his water all over Raj at the words 'sexual cues' and 'again' in relation to talking to Sheldon…well…

What the frak!?

~8~

It was only through an enormous effort on Claire's part that the carpet and couch were still visible in the apartment later that day when she was joining Penny on a quest, her laptop on her lap as she sat crosslegged on the floor, Sheldon sitting on the couch with his own laptop while Penny burped loudly, looking even worse than before with shadows under her eyes, entirely too focused on the game before her. The apartment had been an utter mess when she'd returned from work, littered with empty food containers and red bull cans, and, knowing Sheldon would be coming over soon, she'd taken to cleaning so as to avoid the inevitable lecture on cleanliness that he'd give or risk him getting distracted by trying to clean the apartment himself. They didn't really have much time to spare when it came to a new plan to help Penny get over her little hump in her life, so the less time Sheldon spent complaining and the more time he spent helping would be best.

"Ok," Penny nodded, cracking her fingers, "I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I'm going in."

"Just be sure to stay closer to the wall, Pen," Claire called, having her character follow close behind Penny's, "And try to avoid the mummies, they are nasty little devils."

"Got it."

"I must say," Sheldon began after throwing a small look and nod to Claire to signal the start to his plan, "You're playing very well for a woman of…23?"

"22," Penny corrected.

"Right, 22," Sheldon nodded, typing something on his own laptop.

"Mummies at 12 o'clock Pen," Claire warned.

"Which spell do I use?" Penny frowned, "The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?"

"What happened to the rest of your group?" Sheldon inquired.

"I dumped all of them except Claire," Penny muttered, "They're a bunch of wussies."

Claire snorted at that, "The only reason you didn't dump me, Pen, is because I'm a high enough level Healer that you need me…and because I'm your roommate and you'd have to deal with seeing me every day after."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, what attack?"

Claire sighed, "Frenzy stance."

Penny started to furiously push the buttons on the keyboard, "Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!"

"So listen," Sheldon continued, "Would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?"

"What?" Penny asked, not even taking her eyes away from the screen.

"These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game."

Claire rolled her eyes at that, she still wasn't sure Penny would fall for that excuse.

"Oh, ok, wild adventure," seemed Penny was more interested in the game than paying attention to the questions, "Oh, frenzy stance isn't working, die you undead mummy, die!"

"Here, Pen," Claire got her character to give Penny something, "Healing potion."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"Anyhow," Sheldon cut in again, "On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?"

Claire nearly dropped her laptop off her lap at that. Really? If Penny didn't work out that something else was going on after that question…then Penny was in far deeper than they thought she was.

"That's on the registration?" Penny did seem suspicious this time though.

"Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests."

"Ooh, awesome," Penny grinned, "Ok, I totally like to initiate, I'm a big old five."

"Good to know," Sheldon nodded, putting the information in, "Big old five," he looked up at Claire and gave her a semi-forced wink and an 'ok' signal with his hand, letting her know that the online dating profile he was making for Penny was complete.

Now they just had to wait and see which fish took the bait.

~8~

Claire half-ran to Sheldon's apartment, needing to get there before Penny did, letting herself in with the key Sheldon had given her only to see a nice looking young man, Tom, according to the dating profile that had been matched to Penny's, sitting on the armchair, waiting, Leonard and Sheldon standing before him.

"…a paramedic with the fire department," Sheldon was saying, speaking of Tom, "But he's going to med-school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex."

"And we've got a problem," Claire called, entering, hearing Penny opening the door to their apartment behind her, and making her way over to the boys, "Train wreck a-coming."

Not a second after she'd spoken, the door opened behind her and Penny entered. Her clothing was rattier than before, her hair a nest of some sort, greasy and dirty, stains all over her, with bits of dried food around her mouth, her eyes completely shadowed with lack of sleep and it was all too clear she hadn't had a proper shower in more than a couple days.

"Sheldon, what do you want?" Penny strode over to him, her laptop in her arms, not even looking away from it.

Sheldon looked at Claire for explanation but she could only shrug apologetically. She'd tried to get Penny up and about, get her showered and dressed and fresh for the date…but after the last 3 hours of trying to get her off the computer, even going so far as to play tug of war at one point, even trying to get her character to assassinate Penny's…nothing worked.

"You got my note," Sheldon turned back to Penny, "Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny."

"Hi Penny," Tom stood, holding out his hand with a grimace, clearly not wanting to touch her but feeling the need to be polite.

Penny, however, just waved him off, not interested in the slightest, "Yeah, hi. Listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don't know what they're doing, we've got one assassin, three spellcasters, and no tank."

"What about Claire?" Sheldon frowned.

"Bitch backstabbed me and tried to kill me," Penny couldn't even tear her eyes away to glare at her, "We're not speaking."

Claire rolled her eyes, "If only I succeeded," she muttered.

Sheldon sighed, "Can we talk about this later."

"No, no, no, no, I need you now," Penny insisted.

"But wouldn't you prefer to socialize with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman?"

"Whatever," Penny scoffed, heading for the door, "I'll figure it out myself."

"Bye, Penny," Tom called, waiting till the door shut before he turned back to Sheldon and Claire, "I'm sorry, but she didn't look anything like her picture," and, with that, he left as well.

Leonard nodded, "They never do."

~8~

Claire was standing in the kitchen of her apartment with Penny, attempting to cook up some mac and cheese while glancing up at Penny here and there, hoping that the girl would snap herself out of her funk soon because she was about 95 percent sure that noodles were not supposed to fall apart in the pot and she really needed to ask Penny about that. But so far she seemed engrossed in the game. There was nothing else she or the boys could think of that would help her and it was driving her insane to not know what to do.

Granted she'd only known Penny a relatively short while, but the girl was her roommate and she was quick becoming a friend and she didn't want to lose that. She'd seen Sheldon go through this before and it was unnerving to think that your friend would abandon you like that and become so consumed by a game that they stopped effectively living their lives. She doubted the same method she used to snap Sheldon out of his funk would work on Penny though.

Penny would hardly react if she burst into tears at that very moment and started to cry in front of her.

Just as she lifted the spoon to examine the soup that was her noodles, Penny gasped and threw her laptop to the other side of the couch, "Oh my God, I need help."

"What happened?" Claire blinked, not having quite expected the snapping out to be that...well...snappy.

Penny just looked at her owlishly, "I think I just agreed to go on a date with Howard."

Claire blinked again, "Howard…Walowitz?"

"Yeah," Penny nodded, starting to turn green at the though.

"Oh sugar," Claire started to smile, just barely remembering to turn the stove off before she was moving to grab a small carton of ice cream from the freezer and bringing it to Penny with a spoon, "You eat this, I'll hide that," she nodded at the laptop, "And if Howard even mentions your acceptance…I'll deck him one for you."

"Thank you," Penny sighed in relief, her mouth half full with ice cream already. She moved to open her arms to hug Claire in her thanks…but Claire stepped back.

"Rain check on the hug," Claire gave her a bit of a scrunched face, "Cos you really need a shower, Pen."

A/N: My deepest apologies for the lack of presence online and with updating. It took me much longer than I wanted to get back to posting. Too many things were happening, between my dad recovering from cancer, my sister moving out, my brother getting engaged (to a harpy that hates our entire family, so we're not handling the engagement very well), getting a job, quitting a job, getting a different job at a Barnes and Nobles, starting a side business making candles, getting a tutoring spot, getting another part-time job, having a few health scares in the family, but we've pulled through all of it and now I am back.

But it'll mean some changes to updating, so I have a few tidbits of information that I want to share with all of you in regards to this story, other stories, and updating.

1. This story will not be updated every 2 days, it won't even be updated every other day. I've been trying to keep to a schedule for updating, but life has been hating me recently and eating my time due to jobs and side businesses and original writing and family and things, so what I'm going to do for the time being is update when I can. I have the chapters written, but editing takes me almost the same amount of time as writing, so it'll mostly be whenever I can get a chapter edited is when the story will be updated.

2. This means that we'll be seeing this story, my OUAT (Lyssa) story, my Doctor Who (Angel) story, and even my Lord of the Rings story updated whenever I can get a chapter edited. So we may get a chapter of something every day, or here and there. It may take a week to get an update for this story or just a day or two, it'll really depend on the time I have in a day and what chapter I can get through for whatever story to get it updated.

3. I've started a side candle business that's taken up some time (along with an actual second part-time job), I sell some soy candles on Etsy (Shop: AnitaCandle, because if you need a candle, I've got them lol), and also some custom candles like the TARDIS, the black cubes from The Power of Three, some small Death Star Candles, etc.

4. I'VE PUBLISHED A BOOK! :D It's an e-book so far, available on Amazon (they offer a free Kindle App so you don't have to buy a kindle to read their e-books). It is 'Patrapolis' by Elixabeth Xavier (my penname, which is derived from LizzeXX), and it is $3.99 ;)

5. Since I'm mostly updating when I can, my OUAT (Piper) story won't be resumed till I finish my current OUAT (Lyssa) story for Season 2.

6. Because of the long break between the last chapter, the pairing names for Claire and Sheldon are still open ;) I think I'll close submissions down the next chapter I post (whenever that is) so get some in now because after that I'll post a poll for it ;)

I think that's pretty much it lol :) I'm very glad to be updating again, even if it'll be a little more stretched out, but a little is better than nothing :) I'm hoping to be able to get back to posting more consistently when the summer is over (when my second part-time job should be done).

Some notes on reviews...

Oh Sheldon will certainly have an experiment in mind when it comes to a possible relationship with Claire }:) I've made it a think to go to the New York Ren. Faire every year on Fantasy Weekend, on Time Travelers day, they've started doing a Cos-Play contest and I've been able to watch it the last two years and I'm hopeful to see it again this year too :)

Will and Claire will be interesting for Sheldon to deal with lol. Even if they don't become a couple, I think Will became something of a friend to Sheldon as the show went on, he might just be a little early in terms of forming the same bond with Claire. And, being an actor, and loving to irritate Sheldon, he might know a few key things to do or say to really push Sheldon's buttons...but also make him consider things about Claire as well ;)

I love Bernadette :) I'm very excited for Claire to meet her too :)

I can say there'll be a hint of Claire's go-to cosplay costume in a future chapter ;)

We'll definitely be seeing jealous Sheldon popping up, no worries there ;)

I'm so sorry this took a while to get back up, life kept getting in the way of my free time and the longer it took to get an update up, the more stressed out I kept getting which didn't help either :( I'm hoping by not putting as strict a schedule on myself, I'll be able to get more up :)

Oh I've got plans for how Amy fits into the story, no worries ;) She'll actually play a very big role in character development for other characters too :)

I'm sorry there was a lack of updates :( Life got in the way but I hope to be back and posting more often now :)

I'm not dead, sorry! I'm really sorry I worried you, life and a lot of family drama ate up my free time but it's more or less resolved and calmed down now and I hope to keep posting more frequently :)

Yup, Will is definitely going to come up in the story ;)

I'm definitely going to continue the story, no worries :) It just took longer than I wanted to be able to get back and posting :)

I'm very excited for Leonard's mother as well, it'll be a true bonding moment for her and Leonard. Will will be very interesting as well, he's sort of an ok guy but just gets under Sheldon's skin and, on principle, Claire would feel she can't be his friend, but once they resolve their issues Will might become one of her very good friends...and still get under Sheldon's skin for an entirely different reason ;) Oh Stan Lee, I'm very excited for that episode too }:) As for drunk Claire, we will definitely see that happening in a future episode though I can't say exactly what leads to her pushing past her intolerance for alcohol to drink herself sill }:D

I actually have it on my profile that How I Met Your Mother is one of the few shows that I have no plans to write an OC for. It's mostly because I just couldn't get into the show, I don't know why, it just didn't suck me in :/ I mean there's a chance I may rewatch it in the future and feel differently, but so far no plans for a HIMYM story. Sorry! :(