The Panty Pinata Polarization

"Oh come on!" Penny huffed.

Claire looked up from where she was very studiously reading the directions for scrambled eggs on a cooking forum. She was determined to learn how to cook something and Penny had actually found the website for her. It was a list of really, really simple meals that could be made for people who were complete beginners in the kitchen. This one was labeled 'No Burn Scrambles' and it gave her hope that she could at least make this.

But she was reading, and rereading the directions just to be sure.

"Everything alright Pen?" she called, turning on the stove with the pan already in place, scooping exactly one tablespoon of butter onto the pan so it could melt.

Penny huffed, "Cable just went out, it's static. And Tyra was JUST about to boot someone out!" Claire had just cracked an egg into the pan when Penny got up from the couch, "I'm gonna go see if the guys have cable."

"Oh, Pen, wait!" Claire called, hurrying after her. Sheldon had told her earlier that he and the boys were going to be playing Klingon Boggle and she knew how the man got about his game nights, especially when he actually had friends to play them with.

"…use your TV," Claire heard Penny saying as she entered Sheldon's apartment, to see them gathered around the coffee table, the game set up before them and Penny already flipping through the TV channels.

"What's wrong with your TV?" Sheldon asked, not sounding pleased that game night had been interrupted.

"I don't know, it just died, I'm getting a bunch of static."

"Did you pay your cable bill?" Howard asked.

"You sound just like the cable company," Penny muttered.

"I made the payment myself," Claire informed them, moving over to the couch and sitting on the armrest beside Sheldon, "So it's not that. Think it could be a wire, Pen?"

"No idea," Penny murmured, her attention focused on the show that just resumed, thank god it had cut to a commercial before the cable went out, "Shh, shh, shh, Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America's Next Top Model!"

Sheldon sighed, "Excuse me, Penny, but we're…"

"No, no, don't tell her," Leonard nearly begged.

"…playing Klingon Boggle."

"Aw," Leonard groaned, rubbing his head.

Howard snorted, "What do you mean, aw? Like she didn't know we were nerds? Claire's BFFs with the king."

"Don't drag me into this, Howie," Claire remarked.

"Alright," Sheldon gave in, "If you must watch, then mute it with closed captions, please."

"Fine," Penny readily agreed.

"Alright, Boggle warriors, kapla'!" Sheldon resumed the game…

But it was too late, Howard had already caught sight of the models and was enraptured, "Look at those women!"

Followed quickly by Leonard, "They're gorgeous!"

Poor Raj, who had foregone his white board as it was meant to be a guys' night, could only nod and stare with a smile at the screen.

Sheldon pursed his lips, not pleased with this turn of events and called out another answer to try to direct attention back to the game, "Worf, nice!"

Claire patted his shoulder lightly, familiar enough with Klingon after years around Sheldon, "Not a proper noun, Shelly."

"Drat."

"Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz!" Howard began to point to the different models, "No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence, it's the future Mrs. Wolowitz!"

"Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother, the current Mrs. Wolowitz," Leonard shot back.

Sheldon began to fidget in his seat, "Is qochbe' spelled with a…" he made an odd gargling noise, "Or a…" followed by a guttural grunting.

Claire took pity on the man and looked at the other boys, "Guys, maybe you might want to finish the game?"

"Why is that Mrs. Wolowitz crying?" Howard asked, none of the others even seeming to have heard her.

"Thanks for trying, Claire Bear," Sheldon muttered.

"That's Anais, none of the other girls in the house like her," Penny answered Howard.

"House!?" Howard perked up, "What HOUSE?"

"They all live in a house together."

"A house, where?"

"I don't know. Somewhere in L.A."

"Wait a minute, you're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fi…"

"Is something burning?" Sheldon cut in with a frown, looking around and sniffing deeply.

It actually took a minute for Claire to realize and jump up, running out of the room with a cry of, "My Scrambles!"

Penny took that as the perfect chance to get away as well, heading for the door after her, partly because she knew that Claire would undoubtedly need her help to fan out the apartment…again…and also to just get the heck away from Howard. She did NOT want to know where the rest of his question was going.

"Where are you going?" Leonard asked, guessing where Claire had gone, but Penny didn't have to leave so soon.

"To make sure I still have a kitchen," she muttered, hearing Sheldon going straight back into the game without a care in the world.

Well, that wasn't fully true, she HAD noticed Sheldon sitting straighter and staring out the open apartment door into her apartment, clearly watching Claire to make sure she was alright and when Claire didn't scream for help he seemed to take that as a sign that she was ok. She'd actually asked Claire about that a while ago, when smoke was literally coming from under the door once when she and Sheldon had been coming up from getting mail, the sounds of the fans all on able to be heard even through the door. She'd asked why Sheldon hadn't seemed even remotely concerned, or at least not in a normal human way, where they'd rush to the door and knock or break it down to check on the person on the other side. He'd just called out, 'ok?' which Claire responded to before he went into his apartment.

Apparently that was actually Sheldon's way of being considerate. Claire was, apparently, quite self-conscious about her lack of cooking skills and when other people rushed to help her or made a big thing about it, it just made her feel worse. Sheldon would check in that she was alive, but then leave her alone because he knew she always felt like a failure when her attempts at cooking fell through and he didn't want to make her feel worse. He stayed away, because that was what Claire needed him to do.

It was almost sweet, if she didn't think it was also weird that Sheldon could walk past a potentially burning room and just shout out 'ok?' instead of panicking.

She shook her head as she stepped into the apartment to see the windows open and Claire not even trying to scrape the egg…and was that shell?!...out of the pan but just tossing the entire pan in the garbage.

"Another one bite the dust?" Penny asked, moving to start turning on the fans.

Claire sighed, "I'll buy you a new one."

"Maybe aim for the super non-stick ones this time," Penny teased, nudging Claire in the side as she passed to let her know she wasn't upset or anything.

Had they set off the alarms in the building, she might be a bit more peeved. But they'd taken to just taping Tupperware containers over the smoke detectors and sensors because this was such an ongoing occurrence. And Claire was always good on replacing the pans and plates and bowls and pots…and that one fork that had somehow ended up in the toaster…and the toaster…when she killed them. And! It was also an excuse to burn some of the scented candles she'd hoarded over the years, to it all worked out in the end.

"Do they make industrial non-stick pans?" Claire had to ask…before nodding to herself, "I'm gonna check on that."

~8~

Leonard nearly ran into the apartment as Claire held the door open for him, a bag of food in his arms as they stepped in, having both gone to get the takeout. Well, technically, HE was supposed to go get the takeout but seeing Claire handle Sheldon the first time she'd accompanied him? Whenever he could get away with it, he always asked her to go with him. It saved SO much time to have her along, because she knew Sheldon so well, especially his order and preferences, that she cut the time it took Sheldon to inquire if it was done correctly in half, and that was time he could use to actually eat his food while it was still warm.

"Did we miss anything?" he called.

Raj squeaked, seeing Claire beside Leonard, and shook his head frantically.

"Oh sugar, we're gonna have to get you talkin' around me one day," Claire remarked, to which Raj just shrugged, "How bout a kiss on the cheek each time you talk without squeakin'?"

Raj gaped at her.

Leonard gaped at her.

Howard gaped at her and then, "Can I get a kiss if I talk without squeaking?"

"Not on your life," Claire smirked at him.

It seemed like a safe thing to offer, really. Raj was so painfully shy around girls, he couldn't even manage to say 'sorry' to Penny without the high squeak and he looked like he was in a great deal of pain to do it. He also seemed like a man interested in women, given the comments he sometimes whispered to Howard or Leonard to translate for him. She doubted he'd get to that point of talking without the squeak any time soon, till then, she'd still try to find ways to get him to talk around her that didn't involve alcohol.

"No?" Claire asked even as Raj frantically was nodding his head that he very much agreed with her proposition, "Sorry, what was that?" she turned with her hand around her ear, clearly telling him that it wasn't going to happen unless he SAID it.

But Raj just sighed and pouted, flopping back on the couch with his arms crossed.

"We'll find some way to get you talking, don't you worry."

Leonard glanced over at the hall where he knew Sheldon was still in his room, and decided to change the subject. The last thing he wanted was for Sheldon to come in and hear the conversation and throw a tantrum about having to 'share' his friend with Raj, "Did they kick Giselle off?"

"Not yet," Howard answered, "But her underwater photo shoot did NOT go well. Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine. Lucky for her I like my fashion models pruny and bug-eyed."

"Shelly!" Claire called out, really needing more people there to be able to deal with Howard in such a dose, "Food's ready!"

"Ow, ow!" Howard shouted, Raj having been hitting his shoulder repeatedly and pointing at the TV, "Yes, I know, it's the house! I'm freezing it, I'm freezing it, calm down."

"Oh do I want to know what you're doing?" Claire nearly groaned as she texted Penny to head on over for her part of the food.

"We're marking the star positions and physical landmarks so we can find THE House!"

"…why?" Leonard shook his head.

"Isn't it obvious? Every week, they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem, a.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz."

Claire, who had been heading over to place some paper plates on the coffee table, hit him lightly in the back of the head with them first for his remark.

"Ow," Howard rubbed his head, sending her a dirty look.

Sheldon made his way into the room, heading to the kitchen counter to get his food, "Is my hamburger medium well?"

"Medium well," Claire walked over with a smile, "With regular old dill slices, individual relish packets," she handed them to him from the bag, "Onion rings WITH extra breading, I asked them very nicely to please put some more on and they were kind enough to do it. You're all set."

Sheldon smiled at that, "Thank you, Claire Bear."

"Not a problem, Shelly Bean."

"Hey, guys," Penny called as she entered the apartment, heading straight for the food as Claire handed it over to her. She quickly plopped down in the middle of the couch, her eyes on the TV, "What'd I miss? What'd I miss?"

"Not much in the 30 seconds it took you to get here, Pen," Claire reassured her as she sat on the armrest next to Sheldon.

"Giselle's hanging by a thread," Howard informed her.

"Oh, good, I hate her," Penny grinned.

"Then you're not invited to our wedding."

"Oh, do we have to suffer through this transparently manipulative pseudo-reality again?" Sheldon lamented as he got himself situated.

"Yes," everyone but Claire answered, though Claire did nod as she had a mouth full of hamburger, same order as Sheldon though her onion rings were regular breaded.

Sheldon turned to Leonard, disappointed, "You and I have a standing TV schedule which is the result of extensive debate and compromise. Any alterations except for breaking news have to be pre-approved at the weekly roommate meeting."

"Put it on the agenda," Leonard waved him off.

"But you have to make a motion to put it on agenda."

"Oh, I'll make a motion, but you're not going to like it."

"Fine," he huffed, "Mock Parliamentary procedure," he pushed himself up to his feet and made his way towards the kitchen, "At least put it on mute."

"Oh, Giselle's not getting kicked off," Penny remarked, "It's totally going to be Summer," she reached out to pick up one of the onion rings off of Sheldon's plate, only for Raj to make a high pitched squeak as Claire began to choke on her food beside her at the same thing that set off Raj, "What?"

"Sheldon's onion ring," Leonard whispered to her, frantically glancing over his shoulder to make sure Sheldon hadn't seen, but he was rooting around the fidge, "Just put it back!"

Claire shook her head in warning, half pounding on her chest with a fist as she tried to swallow her mouthful to speak before this escalated.

"It's ONE onion ring," Penny remarked, not sure what the big deal was.

"Just put it back before he comes!" Howard insisted.

"No, don't!" Claire managed to get out, but it was too late, Penny had already dropped it back onto the plate.

"No, no, no, no, I don't think that's where it was!" Leonard began to freak out.

"Don't touch it more!" Claire quickly hit Leonard's hand away as he too reached for the ring.

Howard stiffened in his seat, "Ok, here he comes, deny, deny, people, wall of silence."

Sheldon stopped short, staring down at his plate, "Who touched my…"

"Penny!" the boys shouted, though Raj pointed, "Penny did it."

Sheldon frowned at her, "Why would you do that?"

"Shelly," Claire stood up slowly, setting her plate down and lifting her hands in an almost surrender like gesture, "I don't think Penny knows about your food rules yet and…"

"What rules?" Penny shook her head, "I was just hungry. What's the big deal?"

The boys groaned at that as Sheldon let out a tsk, "The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate."

"Alright. Look, I didn't know, I'm sorry."

"Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike."

"When did she get the first strike?" Claire looked at him, unaware Penny already had a strike against her in Sheldon's 'punishment' system. If she'd known that none of the boys had told her about Sheldon's food rules, she would have explained it ages ago to avoid the second strike.

"March 18th. She violated my rule about forwarding email humor."

Penny frowned at that, "I did?

"The photo of the cat who wants to 'has cheezburger?'"

"Oh, come on, everybody loves LOLcats. They're cute and they can't spell 'cause they're cats."

"I trusted you with my email address, and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality, strike one. Touching my food, strike two."

"And what?" Penny scoffed, "Three strikes and I'm out?"

"Yes, it's a sports metaphor," Sheldon agreed.

"A sports metaphor?"

"Yes, baseball."

"Don't worry," Leonard tried to reassure her and keep the situation calm, "The strikes only stay on your record for a year."

"You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class," Howard added.

Penny looked around at them in disbelief of what she was hearing, before turning to Sheldon once more, "Come on, I touched one onion ring."

"And then you put it back!" Sheldon reminded her.

"I did try to warn you," Claire sighed, "Putting it back compromises the integrity of the other onion rings," she said it as though she was reciting something she'd often heard, which, knowing Sheldon, she very well could have.

"Seriously?" Penny looked at her, not sure if she was serious, but Claire could only nod. Penny eyed Sheldon with an almost sad look, "Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Look, Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a permanent member of our social group I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else."

"Congratulations," Leonard tried to break the tension again, "You're officially one of us!"

"One of us, one of us," Howard chanted.

"Well, what a thrill," Penny muttered, plopping back onto the couch from where she'd been sitting on the edge to reach the ring and then speak to Sheldon…unfortunately that had moved her from her original position in the center to…

"You're sitting in my spot," Sheldon told her.

"Oh, jeez, you've got to be kidding me!"

"Leonard, she's in my spot!"

"Yeah, yeah," Leonard rubbed his head and looked to Penny, "Uh, see, here's the thing, after you leave, I still have to live with him."

"I don't care," Penny crossed her arms, "I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically."

"Claire, she's in my spot," Sheldon turned to the redhead.

"Pen," Claire tried to speak, "Really, better ways to take a stand, how about we…"

"No," Penny cut in, "I'm not moving an inch. So what are you gonna do about it, Sheldon?"

"Alright," he nodded, "That's it. Strike three."

"Ooh, strike three."

~8~

Claire sighed as she followed Penny out of the apartment in a show of some solidarity to her roommate and in the hopes of explaining the situation to her more. The blonde was fuming.

"I'm banished?" Penny gaped at them, "What the hell kind of crap is that?"

"Listen, don't worry," Leonard reassured her, having escorted Penny out, "I'll talk to him."

"I will too," Claire promised.

"Yeah, you do that," Penny huffed, turning to storm back to her apartment.

"Just so I know," Leonard called out, making her pause in the doorway, "Would you be open to taking his class?" Penny rolled her eyes and went inside, "You can do it online!"

Claire sighed, "I'll go talk to her, Leonard," she followed Penny into the apartment, quietly shutting the door behind her as she observed Penny pacing back and forth.

"The nerve of that rat bastard!" Penny huffed, before plopping down on the couch.

Claire moved to sit next to her, "As much as it may seem like he's just throwin' a tantrum over onion rings, Shelly DOES actually have a method to his madness."

"Looks more like his madness has a method to it," Penny muttered.

"Shelly really doesn't like people touching his food, Pen," Claire tried to explain, "When we were younger, sometimes the other kids would pick on him and…well they'd put things in his food or sneeze in their hands and steal some of his food. It wasn't a great time and he gets real particular about who touches his food and how they do it. If you'd ASKED him, Shelly might have given you an onion ring, but, to him, it was the taking that was the big thing, too much like the kids who used to steal our lunches. Hey, if you'd used a fork to grab it, he'd probably have eventually been alright with that, but you put your actual fingers on his food, and he's never had great experiences with other people touching his food. It was always done with malicious intent, Pen, and even though he trusts you, it's hard to forget things like that."

Penny just glowered, seeming to only be half listening to what Claire was telling her, "Shoulda spit in his food," she grumbled under her breath before getting up and stomping over to the fridge to find something to eat since she'd been banished without her food and was not about to go back there and ask for it.

Claire sighed, rubbing her forehead, maybe she could try to talk to Penny again once the girl calmed down.

~8~

Claire was frowning down at her Cheesecake Factory menu as she joined the boys at the restaurant for a meal, trying to decide what to get even as the others had already selected their usuals. She was also trying to use that as a way to ignore Howard as he and Raj planned out how to try and find 'the House.' She made sure to keep her menu as high as she could, blocking her from Raj's sight as he was better able to speak when he couldn't SEE her sitting there. In fact, she'd done such a good job of tuning them out that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard Penny's voice in the middle of the murmur of masculine tones.

"Ok," Penny said instantly as she reached their table, "Let me guess. A quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard."

"Thank you," Leonard smiled.

"Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard, and for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meatlover's pizza, no meat. And a 'stick the menu on the wall and throw a dart at it' special for Claire."

"Thanks, Pen," Claire smiled gratefully up at her as Penny took her menu. With Penny and Sheldon being at such odds right now and Penny being in quite the mood for it, she hadn't wanted to make the night worse by asking for 'her special' as Penny called it, where Penny would pick something at random for her, but also didn't want to make Penny stand there and wait for her to decided either.

"Coming right up."

"Wait," Sheldon called out, stopping her from leaving, "Excuse me. You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side."

"Oh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory."

Claire let out a small groan at that, just knowing this was about to escalate yet again. She rubbed her head, if they kept going like this, she was sure she was going to get a headache from it.

"Why?"

"Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in. Two, sitting down. And three, I don't like your attitude."

"You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy."

"Yeah, no, there's a new policy. No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon."

"I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena," Howard remarked, though Claire got the distinct feeling he too was trying to keep the situation light and from getting too serious.

"Penny, can I talk to you for a minute?" Leonard asked, getting up and leading Penny away.

Claire sighed and looked at Sheldon, "Shelly, did you really have to banish Penny from the apartment?"

"She had three strikes," Sheldon reminded her, "Three strikes and you're out."

"Alright, but don't you think it's a little unfair to punish someone for something they didn't know they'd done wrong?"

"If they did something wrong, then they should be punished for it, it's simple legal procedure. Ignorance of the law is no excuse."

"Because laws are readily available online, public information," Claire pointed out, "YOUR laws aren't as well spread. I just mean, if Penny didn't know she wasn't supposed to take an onion ring off your plate, how can you punish her for it? Wouldn't it have been better to…I don't know, let her off with a warning?"

"A…a warning?" Sheldon huffed, "Who takes food off another person's plate?! It's just basic manners. Maybe that's not how they do it in Nebraska, but in Texas our mothers raise us right."

"I meant more warn her that it's against the rules to touch your food and, if she does it again, THEN you dole out the punishment. It's like the first time you went to church with your mama, and you didn't know you weren't supposed to talk while the preacher man was. You talked, your mama explained why you need to be quiet cos you didn't know you'd done wrong, and you were quiet."

"That is hardly the same thing," Sheldon rolled his eyes, "Talking is much different than eating, although you do bring up a good point about talking. I think I'll go have a little chat with the manger about the service around here."

"Not what I meant Shelly!" Claire called after him as he threw his napkin down on the table and stood up to go find the manger. She sighed, rubbing her head as she looked at Howard and Raj who seemed a little surprised, "What?" she shook her head, "I don't win EVERY argument I have with him."

~8~

Claire rested her elbows on the table of her apartment, her eyes closed, her fingertips rubbing small circles in her temples as she waited a painfully long time for the Tylenol to kick in. She had guessed it in one, the feud between Penny and Sheldon had given her not just a headache, but a migraine. It was probably made worse by the fact that she was the one both Sheldon and Penny went to to complain about the other and she, herself, didn't know which side to really pick. She understood Sheldon and why he reacted to Penny touching his food the way she had. She also thought it was wrong of him to banish Penny from the apartment, to punish her without giving her the chance to understand first what she'd done and the opportunity not to do it again. And she understood why Penny thought it was such an overreaction as to why Sheldon was acting this way over onion rings. But she also knew that Penny hadn't really taken anything to heart when she'd tried to explain to the woman Sheldon's exact issue with his food and his past experiences. Both sides were in the right and both were in the wrong for different reasons and it was doing her head in.

The actual fighting itself as well was maddening. Things had…not gotten better, at all, since the night at the Cheesecake Factory.

Penny had given Sheldon his food after being reprimanded by her boss because Sheldon tattled on her. But she'd made some remark about daring him to eat it, as though she'd done something to the food that made it less than savory. It had taken her an entire half hour to convince Sheldon that Penny did not do anything to the food because of far too many reasons to name. Her job would be on the line, health codes, if she got caught, she'd already been in trouble once she would NOT do something a second time, it was all in his head, she said it because she knew it would get to him, among other things.

After that Sheldon had blocked Penny's access to the wifi, going so far as to put a video of himself taunting her and waving his victory in that battle around. Penny had, according to Leonard, threatened to hogtie and castrate Sheldon the way she would during her junior rodeo days as a result. Howard had actually been a decent human being and offered to fix it for her…only for it to backfire as Sheldon had anticipated that and created another video giving all of them an additional strike against themselves. She was exempt from it, not just because she hadn't been there at the time, but it was in the Best Friend contract that she be excluded from his strike system.

But then, Penny had retaliated by filling every single washing machine and dryer with her clothing on Sheldon's designated laundry day, making it impossible for him to get it done as usual. It wouldn't be a bad thing for anyone else, they would just do it later, but for Sheldon…he really did not do well with change and, had it just been a very busy day where everyone else decided to do laundry, he might have actually been ok with doing it the next day or later that night. But it was knowing Penny had intentionally done it, that she had the means to keep doing it the rest of the night, and was doing it to FORCE him to make some kind of change that had Sheldon ranting across the hall.

She'd heard him complaining about it as he came up the stairs a few hours ago and, as terrible as it probably was, she'd stayed in the apartment, unwilling to confront Sheldon while her head was throbbing. Sheldon…as much as she loved the dear, took a lot of time, energy, and patience to deal with on a good day. She knew enough of herself to know that when she had a headache, she did not have enough of those three qualities to safely be around him without snapping. Oh any old headache she could muscle her way through with him, but her skull literally felt like it was about to split open and she was in no state to deal with ANYONE.

Not even Penny, who had spent two hours straight gloating about her victory before finally heading down to get her laundry together. She had been acting like she was on some sort of spy mission, moving as silently as possible. She'd wanted Sheldon to assume that she was going to keep it up all night and that only worked so long as Sheldon thought her laundry was still down there. It wouldn't do to go get it and have him catch her and go do his own laundry. It would defeat the purpose.

Whatever the reason was, Claire was just happy Penny had stopped talking for a bit, that there was relative silence in the apartment just for a moment. It gave her time to get some meds and guzzle down a bottle of water and now she just needed some more peace to…

Three very loud, pounding knocks sounded from the hallway followed by a very angry, "Sheldon!" knock, knock, knock, "Sheldon!" knock, knock, knock, "Sheldon!"

Claire nearly groaned when she heard Sheldon's very smug, "Yes?"

She pushed herself up from the table and headed for the door, knowing she'd probably be needed to keep one of them from killing the other, more likely Penny, and paused, her hand on the knob when she heard Penny's question of "Where are my clothes?"

"Oh, Shelly, you didn't…" Claire moaned, opening the door to go deal with this mess. She was really hoping he'd just taken her clothing instead of pouring homemade acid on it like he'd done to Missy's clothing once when the twins had gotten into a feud of their own.

"Your clothes?" Sheldon was trying to act innocent.

"Yes," Penny huffed, "I left them in the washers and when I went down to get them, they were gone."

"Really?" Sheldon crossed his arms with a grim, "Despite the sign that says 'Do not leave laundry unattended?'"

"Shelly, do you have her clothes or not?" Claire cut in, finally reaching them in the middle of Sheldon's apartment.

Sheldon gave a thoughtful, taunting hum, "You know, I do recall seeing some female undergarments. Where was that? Oh, yes, earlier this evening I happened to gaze out the window and a brassiere caught my eye…" he gestured to the apartment windows, "Do those look familiar?"

"Oh, Sheldon you didn't…" Claire didn't have to see out the window to know, Penny's angry expression and body language as the blonde did look out told her enough.

"How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?!" Penny rounded on Sheldon.

"When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, mwah-ha-ha!"

"Shelly, this is going too far," Claire stepped over, "You go down there and get them off that wire."

"I will," Sheldon agreed, "Once she apologizes."

"Never," Penny crossed her arms.

"Well, then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata."

Penny's jaw tensed as she took a deep breath, making an effort to try and remain calm, which Claire was grateful for, all the yelling was not helping her head, "Look…Sheldon, this has gotten out of hand, ok? I've done some stupid things, you've done some stupid things, how about we just call it even and move on with our lives?"

Claire closed her eyes at that, it was too much to hope Sheldon would accept those terms. Especially not when Penny had mentioned how he'd done some 'stupid things' because Sheldon, by his own terms, was anything but stupid.

"I've done no stupid things," Sheldon defended himself.

"Shelly, it's a reasonable offer, you both back away, you both start over," Claire tried once more. She was sure, had her head not felt like it was filled with lead, that she could have come up with some way to articulate it in a better, 'more intellectual' way to Sheldon, find a way to get him to understand, but right now she felt like she just wanted to sleep till next week.

"You've got to meet me halfway here," Penny agreed.

"I am meeting you halfway," Sheldon countered, "I'm willing to concede that you've done some stupid things."

"Hey, you guys are talking again!" Leonard cheered as he entered the room, "Good. What happened?"

"Leonard, remember when I said it was on?" Penny turned to him, back to fuming, "Well, now it's junior rodeo on."

"Oh, not junior rodeo," he looked at Sheldon, "What did you do?"

"I had no choice, Leonard," Sheldon defended once more, "She ruined laundry night."

Leonard hesitated when Sheldon gestured out the window before he cautiously made his way over…and saw the clothing hanging on the telephone lines, "Aw!"

"Mwah-ha-ha," Sheldon laughed evilly as Penny glared at him and made to leave, Leonard opening his mouth to undoubtedly argue with Sheldon some more.

"Alright, that is enough," Claire cut in with a huff, stilling Penny's stomp out of the room. She almost seemed to stalk over to where Sheldon was still standing, "I didn't want to have to do this, Shelly, but this has gone on too long."

She might have tried another tactic, she might have sided with Sheldon over Penny...had the girl not tried to call a reasonable truce which Sheldon disregarded, now...now it was Sheldon who was the one not about to back down and that was what he needed to do. Penny was willing to stop, Sheldon wasn't, and that wasn't going to continue any longer if she had anything to say about it. Now she had to go to her last resort.

Sheldon frowned as Claire pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and began to type a number in, "Who are you calling?"

"Someone who can stop all of this nonsense since you clearly won't listen to a word I have to say."

"It is not nonsense, she touched my food, she sat in my spot, she…"

"Shelly," she cut in, knowing he was about to go on a tangent about every little thing Penny had done, most of which she had been present for and did not need a recap of, "I have got a splittin' headache right now and I am not up to dealing with you and Penny fighting for the next five years over this. It ends now."

Sheldon huffed and crossed his arms, "I just want to point out that I'm not listening because you should be taking my side, as stipulated by the Best Friend agreement and…"

"Yes," Claire muttered, the phone at her ear as it began to ring, "I am well aware of the agreement I signed, but there is no stipulation for this situation, Shelly. I take your side against your sister, against anyone on your enemy list, against the dry cleaners, but there is nothing about this. You gotta see what kind of pickle I'm in right now, Shelly. I've got a contract with you, my best friend, but I live with Penny, my roommate, there's no clause that says I have to take your side against my roommate…"

"Because we always agreed WE would be roommates," Sheldon countered, "And it would be foolish for you to take my side against your roommate when your roommate would be me."

Penny, no matter how angry she was with Sheldon at the moment, nearly went bug-eyed at what the man had just said. Sheldon Cooper, the man who, according to Leonard, literally had an exam for him to pass just to be in consideration for the roommate spot, wanted to live with Claire? Sheldon Cooper, who didn't want anyone around him half the time, actually wanted Claire sharing his space, LIVING with him?

"Yes, and then you went and got a roommate who wasn't me…"

"You were still in Texas!"

"Which nullified that part of the contract," Claire continued as though Sheldon hadn't interrupted, "You got Leonard and I got Penny and…Hi, there Mrs. Cooper!" she suddenly changed not only direction in the conversation, but the volume and tone of her voice when none other than Sheldon's mother answered the phone.

Sheldon's eyes widened in horror, "Traitor!"

Claire just gave him a smile, though everyone could see the hint of pain behind it as she rubbed her head, her migraine truly must have been bad for her to even start to yell at Sheldon or argue with him.

"Yep, it's me!" she continued to talk into the phone, "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?" she paused and then laughed, "Yes, you got me, not quite fine," she sighed, caught out by Mrs. Cooper able to tell just in her voice that she wasn't up to par at the moment, "Shelly's gotten into a bit of a fight with my roommate and it's getting a little ridiculous…oh, well, let's just say her clothing is strung up on the phone lines right now...yes, he did...yes, I did try to reason with him…I did say that, yup…nope, not listening to a word I said…you know how he gets when he's 'in the right'…alright, of course," she held out the phone to Sheldon, "Your mama wants to speak to you."

Sheldon looked at the phone as though it held some sort of disease, his expression matching his utter reluctance to have to take it and hear what his mother had to say.

"Shelly, don't keep your mother waiting," Claire stretched her arms a bit more for him to take the phone in a pointed gesture.

He sighed and reached out, taking the phone, "Hi mom..." he winced, "But, mom! She keeps sitting in my spot. And...and she touched my food! …ok, yes, I took her clothes, but she started it…no, that's not fair! Why should I have to apologize? …yeah, I really don't think this is the kind of thing Jesus concerns himself with…no, you're right, I don't really know what Jesus thinks about…alright, goodbye."

Sheldon let out a long breath as he lowered the phone and ended the call, handing the phone back. He stared at his shoes as he addressed Penny, "Penny, I am very, very sorry for what I have done. I will go get your laundry down from the telephone lines, I rescind your strikes, and you are no longer banished."

Penny blinked at that, glancing between Claire and Leonard, not sure if she should believe it was over just like that, "Can I sit wherever I want?" he gave her a hard look for that, "No, no, never mind, never mind, that's…that's not important. Sheldon," she stepped up to him, "This was big of you. Thank you. I really appreciate it."

"Thank you," Sheldon replied, though he didn't seem happy about it as he turned to leave the room. He stopped however at the door, moving back to his desk and pulling something out of a drawer. He moved over to Claire and opened the sunglasses he had in his hand to place them on her nose, "For your headache," he told her, knowing that the bright lights of the apartment probably weren't helping.

Claire gave him a soft smile for that, "Thank you, Shelly."

"You're welcome," he gave her a nod and turned to go collect Penny's laundry.

Everything was silent in the apartment for a good minute or two, Penny absorbing the fact that Sheldon Cooper had apologized to her after just one phone conversation with, who she was assuming was, his mother.

"You have GOT to give me that woman's number," Penny turned to Claire.

"Maybe later, Pen, right now I just want to turn off all the lights in my room and crawl into my bed."

"Right, right," Penny winced, suddenly recalling that Claire had mentioned having a terrible headache, "You do that. And sorry, if the…if the fighting and the yelling made it worse."

Claire patted her on the shoulder for that, "Just…next time, a good rule is to just ask Shelly before doing anything, safest bet."

"Got it," Penny agreed quickly, and, with that, Claire left the room, ready to get cozy in her bed and sleep away her headache knowing she'd wake up to a calmer apartment and best friend.

A/N: I felt for Claire here, I was getting a headache just watching Penny and Sheldon go at it, but to have to experience it? :/ And that was a pretty tough spot to be in, caught between the best friend and the roommate/friend, feeling like either side was right and wrong at the same time :( I also felt like it was a fine line in her reaction to the feud, because she won't outright defend Sheldon when she feels he's in the wrong, despite being his best friend, but she also understands his reaction too :/ So I hope it was a good balance of her sort of trying to be neutral and get both sides to come to a truce, I couldn't see her picking sides in this situation :/ But awww, Sheldon originally wanted to be roommates with Claire :D

I'm not fully sure if the reason behind Sheldon's no-touching-food rule is what Claire says, but I feel like, given comments he's made about his past, it could have been a very real thing he experienced which could explain how protective he gets over his food :)

Some notes on reviews...

At the moment there's not much going on between Penny and Leonard, much like in the show, but Claire will definitely be trying to get Penny to realize her lingering feelings for the man as the story goes ;)

Amy is definitely where the story starts to change. Ironically enough, her relationship with Sheldon will be a very big part of Sheldon and Claire finally getting together ;)

I like that about Claire too, she doesn't get very annoyed with him because she's seen him grow up with a lot of the same habits he still has and she's looked into things that he exhibits and tries to understand him. She also tries to give him perspective on how others react and how he comes across, not to change him, but so he can understand better and decide for himself if how he acted was right or if it's something he needs to work on :)

Claire and Bernadette will definitely become good friends, she's going to be very impressed with how being with Bernadette changes Howard ;)

I'm very much looking forward to Fun With Flags with Claire around too ;)

Oh Bernadette :) Claire will definitely be looking out for her when she and Howard first get together :)

I very much agree when Penny and Leonard move out, Sheldon may not have as much of an issue because that means he and Claire can finally be roommates like they mention in this chapter ;)

I'm very glad you were excited for the update! :D I don't plan to ever abandon a story, I will always do my best to, at the very least, complete it first or end it in a way where continuation can't really be possible, but I really enjoy writing so I'll always try to keep it going ;)

Thank you! I really tried to flesh Claire out as much as I could without just revealing all of her history so I'm glad that comes across. I agree, she and Leonard do have a really good foundation for a strong friendship, especially through their experiences with Sheldon :) Where Leonard is more resigned, Claire is more understanding, but she's been around him so long she knows his habits enough to sort of beat him to the chase, which Leonard appreciates and wants to learn how to do, to make his life easier. I think it starts more like he wants to learn how to handle Sheldon, but will find more and more similarities in their personalities that make her a good friend to him :) I think Penny, too, also has that strong friendship with her, because Claire is her gateway into the minds of the others and a way to understand them and more about Leonard. She's someone Penny can confide in and go to without feeling like she's stupid for asking questions which is important to her. I can't say whether Penny or Leonard has the stronger friendship with Claire, I feel like they both have a fairly good one in different ways :)

I can definitely see Claire having her own character in World of Warcraft, but which character she is, we'll have to wait and see ;)

I'm glad you're enjoying Claire :D And that you like Sheldon in the story too :) I really try to keep as true to him as I can, but sort of use Claire and the story to explore more about why he might be the way he is and offer more understanding :)