The Killer Robot Instability
Claire was carefully trying to pour a pot of homemade soup into the garbage, though pour was a very generous term considering...somehow...the soup had seemed to gelatinize and clump together...and then harden...and then get stuck to the end of the wooden spoon like it was cement. But at least it was coming out in one chunk and not stuck to the pot, she didn't want to have to explain to Penny why their soup pot was missing. She had just thrown her latest attempt at cooking into the garbage, when a scream and a crash went off in the hall, nearly causing her to jump out of her skin. In the fright of it all, she dropped the pot she'd been holding, hissing out in pain as it landed on her foot. Even though she had been wearing quite thick slippers, it still hurt.
But she hobbled over to the door, wanting to make sure no one was being murdered or had been hurt by something, and threw it open...and had to stare to make sure she was actually seeing what she thought she was.
There was a small robot in the hall, and Penny was standing half in the stairwell with a hand over her heart looking terrified of it. She could see the boys cheering in Sheldon's apartment a moment before they all rushed out into the hall to examine the robot.
"...everything alright out here?" Claire asked, looking between the robot to the guys to Penny as she slowly began to come up the stairs.
"Oh yeah, they still got the full MONTE," Howard was grinning at the robot, crouched down closer to examine it for any breaks or dents.
"Leonard?" Penny half-panted as she still massaged at her chest, clearly having almost had a heart attack at the sight of the robot.
"Yeah?" Leonard looked up at her.
"What the hell?"
"Killer robot."
"Really?" Claire made her way over to look at it closer, her foot feeling a little better now. She'd only ever seen one other killer robot that Sheldon had built when they had been younger.
"We built it."
"Yeah, well, it almost killed me!" Penny shouted.
Sheldon scoffed at that, "If it wanted to kill you, you'd be dead."
"So, who exactly does it want to kill?"
"Knowing Shelly, could be any one on his list of enemies," Claire offered, nodding at the workmanship that had been put into the robot, "Nice job guys."
"Thank you," Leonard grinned at the praise.
"This almost reminds me of the one you made for me," Claire looked over at Sheldon.
But he rolled his eyes, "I didn't make it FOR you, I just named it after you. The Cybernetic Leveler And Indestructible Robotic Executioner," he smiled at the memory, but then Penny's words seemed to register with him, "I'm sorry," Sheldon shook his head and looked over at Penny, "Are you unaware of the upcoming Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational?"
"You know, since I moved last year, not all my mail has been forwarded," Penny deadpanned.
"It's a big deal," Howard defended, "There's an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you'd like to come with me. I know the other fellas would be really excited to see a girl there," he gestured at Penny with purpose and invitation.
Penny gave him an unimpressed look, "How is it supposed to be a dance if Claire and I are the only girls?"
"Who said anything about Claire? I only have eyes for you."
"I'm just assuming Sheldon called dibs on taking her."
"A reasonable and accurate assumption," Sheldon agreed.
"Well, that may be a slight exaggeration," Howard continued to speak to Penny, "You'd be the only doable girl. Ow!" he looked down to see that Claire had managed to grab the controls from Raj and used them to have MONTE ram into his leg for his words.
Penny didn't seem pleased with what he said either, "You're a pig, Howard."
"How is 'doable' anything but a complimen...ow!" he glared over at Claire when she did it again, "Will you stop that?"
"Howard, why don't we just work on the robot?" Leonard tried to diffuse the situation, understanding that Howard was coming across a little more skeezy than normal...and that Claire still had her hands on the controls and could use it to kill Howard at any given moment.
"Please, Leonard, not now," Howard groaned, "Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango..."
"Our tango?" Penny scoffed at the notion.
"The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still…hOW! Claire, quit it!"
"I'm begging you, stop talking," Leonard pleaded, reaching out and struggling to try and get the controls out of Claire's hands, but the girl would not relinquishing her hold.
"Look," Penny sighed, "Normally Claire smacking you with something to teach you a lesson is enough and I can just ignore you. I mean, I get it, you're a little peculiar. You know, like Sheldon..."
"Yeah, excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you're the one who's peculiar," Sheldon countered.
Penny looked at them all, even Claire, who was still struggling to maintain her control over MONTE and had to admit, "Yeah, you might be right. But back to you," she turned to Howard, "I know you think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies' man, but the truth is, you are just pathetic and creepy."
Everyone fell silent at that, Claire looking over, honestly a little stunned that Penny had actually said it out loud, so much so that Leonard was finally able to pull the controls away from her.
"Um, so what are you saying?" Howard asked.
"I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It's not sexy to stare at my ass and say, 'Ooh, it must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that.' And most important, we are not dancing a tango, we're not to'ing and fro'ing. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever."
"Wait a minute," Howard shook his head, starting to realize something about the situation that was different than all the other times he and Penny did their thing, "This isn't flirting, you're serious."
"Flirting?" Penny sounded like she honestly couldn't believe, in any universe, that Howard would think what she was doing was flirting with him, "You think I'm flirting with you? I am NOT flirting with you, no woman is ever gonna flirt with you, you're just gonna grow old and die alone."
"Pen..." Claire let out of breath at that, knowing that, for however creepy Howard was, that might have taken it just a little too far. Howard actually look devastated.
"Thanks for the heads up," the man murmured, turning to head for the stairs.
"Howard, where you going?" Leonard called after him.
"I'm going home to live my creepy, pathetic life."
"Wow," Leonard mouthed, before turning to look at Penny as did all of the others, no one really knowing what to say.
Penny just crossed her arms in defense, "Well, someone had to say it," she rolled her eyes a moment later when she saw the Raj whisper something in Leonard's ear, "What?"
"He said maybe we should enter you in the killer robot competition."
"MONTE is a boy robot," Sheldon said, completely missing the point, "And what sort of acronym could we make out of PENNY?"
Claire couldn't help but look over at the stairs Howard had gone down and back at Penny as she moved into the apartment once more, biting her lip and wringing her hands just a little, she had a feeling this was going to go terribly.
~8~
"I'm not going to apologize!" Penny said for what felt like the hundredth time in the last hour that she and Claire had been talking. Or more so it was an hour of Claire talking and trying to get her to apologize to Howard.
"I'm just saying, Pen, that what you said might have been a little harsh," Claire defended, "Believe me, I get how creepy Howard is. I could probably write an entire thesis paper based on his behavior in comparison to some books I've had to read over the years. I just think there might have been a better way to phrase it."
"I've been trying to tell him! Every time he flirts with me, I tell him. He wasn't getting it when I was being subtle, he wasn't getting it when I was being polite. I had to be blunt and honest."
"And tell him he was going to die alone?"
"I don't know, maybe. It's not like he's ever going to be able to be with a girl when he treats them the way he does."
Claire understood, she wouldn't have smacked Howard with anything she could get her hands on when he was being creepy if she didn't. Howard Wolowitz was one of the most sexist, creepy men she had ever met in her life. And she understood that all of these compliments he thought he was giving people, were truly just offensive to say to a woman. It wasn't a compliment to be stared at like they were a piece of meat, or to have everything about them objectified. She fully understand how much this harassment from Howard irritated and bothered Penny.
She, at least, seemed to have gotten away from it, probably due to Sheldon, no one wanted to have to deal with an annoyed Sheldon. But Leonard wasn't nearly as much of a pain to be avoided.
She fully believed that women should be able to call out men who treated them the way Howard did. But it was one thing to say it to a complete stranger that you would never meet again, it was another to say to someone who was...somehow...a friend, even if it was a friend by association. Howard was friends with the guys, and they were friends with the guys, and the guys were going to care about their friend. She just felt like they knew enough, and were around Howard enough, that there could have been a different way to say what Penny had been feeling, keeping it blunt, but less hurtful.
She understood that Howard's comments were often borderline offending, and that he had started to go a little too far over the line the last time he spoke to Penny. She had every right to be harsh with him, but just because you had the right to do something didn't mean you absolutely had to do it. Howard deserved to be called out, but perhaps not as torn apart as Penny had left him.
"I get it," Claire admitted, "I guess I just feel a little bad for the guy. I mean before this he at least still had the hope that he might be able to get a girl one day. You sort of shot that one in the foot. I don't think anyone would like to be told that they're never going to find someone who loves them."
"He would need to find someone he loves too," Penny pointed out, "Right now he loves the body and the sex more than he would ever love an actual person. And he won't find someone who loves him if he doesn't change that."
"Maybe you coulda said it more like that," Claire remarked, before holding up her hands. There wasn't really much more she could say about this whole thing than she'd already done. It was up to Penny what happened next.
They looked over a moment later when there was a knock at the door, Penny moving over to open it, and seeing Leonard standing on the other side, "Hey."
"Hey, you got a minute?" he asked.
"Yeah, come on in," she stepped back to let him into the room, the man nodding a greeting at Claire when he saw her, "What's up?"
"I need you to apologize to How…"
"Get out."
"Come on..."
"Not you too, Leonard!"
"Not me..." Leonard began to repeat, a little confused as to who else would ask her to apologize to Howard, when he saw Claire raise her hand in admission, "Oh. ...really?" he shook his head at that, Claire wasn't one he would have thought would try to convince Penny to apologize to Howard. Sheldon, yes, Howard, no. Especially not given how she often reacted to Howard's comments yourself.
"The guy's a creep," she began, "But he's still your friend, he can't be that bad if he has friends like you guys."
Leonard began to smile at that, "Thank you, Claire."
"I'm not doing it!" Penny repeated once more.
"Wolowitz won't come out of his house and we need him for a robot battle."
"Well, then have the robot go and get him."
"The robot didn't hurt his feelings."
"His feelings needed to be hurt!"
"Hurt," Claire repeated, "Not destroyed."
Leonard nodded his head even as Penny rolled her eyes, pointing at Claire's though she had made a point for him, "He's been in bed for two days."
"Yeah, probably with a blow-up doll," Penny muttered.
"He's not with a…does it really matter who or what he's with? The guy is devastated."
"Told you," Claire sing-songed from behind her.
"Oh, please, how could I possibly devastate Howard?" Penny scoffed.
"Ok," Leonard rubbed his forehead, trying to think of a way to explain this to Penny, "Don't take this as a criticism, but you kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on."
Penny blinked, and turned to Claire, "I have no idea what he's saying."
"I got your back, sugar," Claire stepped over, patting Penny's shoulder, "It's an Incredible Hulk reference. This guy, Bruce, experimented on himself, using gamma rays. Most of the time he's a nice and decent guy, but, because of the gamma rays, he turns into the Hulk, someone who's just angry and smashes things."
Penny looked over at Leonard, somewhat insulted, "The Hulk, Leonard? And you think comparing me to him is going to get me to go apologize to Wolowitz?"
"Ok, bad example," he admitted, telling anyone they were similar to a big, green, rage monster was probably not the best path to take, "But just please go talk to him."
"And say what? That I didn't mean it? Because I meant it."
"Well, maybe you can go at it from a different angle."
"That's what I said!" Claire chimed in.
"Yeah you could say that you see a glimmer of goodness in him and you only said what you said because you want to nurture it and make it shine."
"Ok, less what I said."
Penny just made a raspberry noise.
"Ok," Leonard sighed, "Let's try it this way. Remember the day that we first met and you asked me to go to your boyfriend's apartment to get your TV back and he was nine feet tall and he took my pants off and you said…what was that? What did you say? Oh, yes, you said you owed me one."
"Come on, that's not fair," Penny argued.
"I came home with no pants."
Before she finally sighed, "Fine, I'll go over there tomorrow."
"Thank you," he smiled.
"You want to come with?" Penny looks at Claire, "Make sure I don't somehow insult him again?"
"As fun as that sounds," Claire laughed, "Shelly already invited me to their little robot battle. Ain't no one cancel Sheldon Lee Cooper."
Leonard chuckled, "I should probably give you a heads up about his mother, then."
"What about her?" Penny frowned.
"...she's a delightful woman. You'll love her."
~8~
Claire stood close to the guys as they gathered in one of the labs of the the university, to begin their robot battle. She had an old pack grip tightly in her hands, a faded white with a red cross stitched into the middle of it. Knowing Sheldon, knowing his friends, and knowing the sharp and pointy objects fixed on their killer robot, she could only imagine that, at some point during this event, someone was going to get injured. And, as Sheldon always professed, it was better to be prepared for anything.
If she had to admit, this was a little more daunting than the smaller robot he had made in her name when they had been children. That robot had mostly just been a means of trying to keep his brother and sister out of his stuff. It was meant to be motion activated and charge towards them with what looked like a dangerous weapon raised, but it really wasn't supposed to hurt anyone. Except that somehow his father had gotten hurt by the robot and Sheldon had been forced to dismantle it. And now here she was, standing in a lab, about to watch two actual Killer Robots try to hack each other to pieces. Never let it be said that things weren't interesting with Sheldon around
"Nice little bot you've got here," Leonard remarked to Kripke, one of the other researchers at the University, a man who didn't seem to care for Sheldon or his friends very much, but didn't really have room to talk as he had quite a unique lisp to him.
From what Claire had heard of him speaking, he seemed to struggle sometimes with his Rs and Ls, pronouncing them like Ws. She was not the sort to poke fun at someone for the way they spoke, Lord knew her accent could sometimes be quite thick, and she always thought those of other countries who spoke English but still with their accents were extraordinary people, to learn English as a second or even third, or more, language. She only really knew the basics of a few languages, and they were all fictional ones from books or television shows. But still, she would never poke fun at Kripke's lisp nor would she ever allow Sheldon to poke fun at it either. Being a teacher, she encountered many students with unique ways of speaking, and she always found that it was only when they felt uncomfortable with how others viewed their accents or how they talked, that they stopped talking. She hated when people bullied Sheldon as children, she hated when they made him feel bad about himself, she would never ever allow someone else to do the same when she could help it.
It was a little to do with why she tried to push Penny to at least rephrase how she had spoken to Howard. She had seen Sheldon bullied enough as a child, she didn't like bullies.
"I'm aware," Kripke replied, smirking as the guys began to examine both robots. His was a good deal bigger than theirs.
"What's this do, spin?"
"Yep. At 3400 RPM. It can cut through steel like it was wubber."
"Neat. Good work," he reached out to pull Sheldon a ways a way to speak to him quietly, Claire following along, "Sheldon, we've got to call this off."
"No, Leonard," Sheldon stated, firm, "For years, merciless thugs like Kripke have made my life a series of painful noogies and humiliating wedgies and the insensitively named Indian burns. That stops now."
"And that's exactly why I brought the first aid kit," Claire told them, patting the front of her pack.
Raj huffed and turned to whisper something in Leonard's ear to say for him, "Raj says we don't have a chance," Leonard repeated, "The only improvement we made MONTE was putting in fresh remote batteries."
Sheldon huffed, "What you fail to realize is Kripke suffers from a fatal flaw: overconfidence from his robot's massive size and its overwhelming power."
"Not quite sure that counts is overconfidence, Shelly Bean," Claire remarked, "Seems more like a fact, just look at that thing, it's huge!"
But Sheldon, in a show of overconfidence himself, merely smirked, "Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare. Observe. Kripke!" he called, drawing the man's attention, "I would ask if your robot is prepared to meet its maker, but as you are its maker, clearly the two of you have met."
"What is his pwoblem?" Kripke muttered to himself.
Leonard batted away Raj's hands as he tried to whisper something else in his ear, "That would have been a terrible Jedi mind trick," he said to the man, before sighing and turning to face the opposing team, the robots getting ready to face each other, "I just want to make sure that we're all clear, standard robotic fighting league rules apply."
"Are you cwazy?" Kripke scoffed, "This is a stweet fight, the stweet has no rules."
"He's right, Leonard," Sheldon had to agree, "The paradigm is to the death."
Claire winced at the mention, knowing that there was a very good chance that the guys might just be falling right into the trap Kripke intended. His robot certainly was larger and more powerful, and it stood a highly probable chance of destroying the guys' robot. If it actually did that, then the guys wouldn't be able to participate in the bigger robot competition.
"I will, however, give you the opportunity to concede my supewiowity now and offer me your wobot as the spoils of war," Kripke offered.
Claire was sure you didn't need to know Sheldon at all to know what his answer would be.
"Never. I'd rather see MONTE dead than in your hands."
"That could be easily awanged," the man smirked, and the two sides prepared their robots to battle, "Weady, set, go?"
"Do it."
"Alwight then. Weady. Set. Go!"
Somewhat to Claire's surprise, as she had learned never to underestimate Sheldon, MONTE was able to hold up against Kripke's robot quite well.
"Come on, Sheldon, you got this!" Raj, who was on the other side of the guys and couldn't see Claire to the left of Sheldon, began to shout when it looked like they might actually have a chance at winning too.
"Indeed," Sheldon smirked, maneuvering the robot this way and that, "We are prepared for anything he can throw at us!" but as soon as he spoke a flame began to jet out of Kripke's robot, "...that's new."
And suddenly it was less about winning and more about keeping their robot in one piece.
"Run, Monte, run!" Leonard cried.
"Go, Monte!" Raj urged, "Go Monte!"
"Go, go, go, go!"
Claire had to cover her eyes when Kripke's robot began to tear MONTE to pieces.
"Don't hurt us," she could still hear Sheldon shouting, "Don't hurt us!"
Until there was a terrible sound of crunching metal and dead silence.
Claire didn't dare even peek around her fingers as she called out, "Is it over?"
~8~
It was a solemn march back into the guys' apartment later that day, each of them was cradling a piece of MONTE in their arms, the robot just utterly smashed into pieces as they laid it reverently on the coffee table. It had been a devastating blow, Claire could see, not just in the fact that Kripke had won, but the fact that something they had put so much effort into hadn't stood up.
She made sure to stay close to Sheldon's side, as she wasn't sure the other guys would realize just how hard he would take this. They might see it as him making a big deal out of it, or blowing it out of proportion, or over exaggerating, or even getting overly attached to a robot. She could even imagine them making a joke or two that he was mourning for his own kind, she'd heard them refer to him as a robot before. But she knew the reason why Sheldon would probably take this harder than the rest of the guys was because it was something he had put effort into and failed at.
It had always been very clear from the beginning that there was something different and special about Sheldon. He had always been smarter than everyone else and, while his family never put pressure on him to use his mind or to succeed or excel, Sheldon felt like it was his duty and obligation to do it. Whenever he wasn't able to do something with his mind or it fell short in scientific or academic efforts, he took it very hard. Because, to him, with his brain, he should be able to do it, he should be able to succeed, he should be able to excel. He needed to do better than everyone else, to prove that his mind wasn't a mistake, that he wasn't someone wasting his potential but doing all he could with it.
It was Sheldon's way of proving himself, to do things or make things better than anyone else. For him to have had a hand in building this robot only for it to get torn to pieces by someone of a 'lesser mind' it could wreak havoc on his self-esteem and self-confidence. What did it say about his mind that someone else could build something better than him? It could make him question whether he was as smart as he thought he was. And for someone like Sheldon, who felt his mind was really all he had, that could be crippling.
So no, the destruction of MONTE wouldn't just be a little toy robot that got beat by a bigger robot, it would be something he really tried to succeed in and failed at. And failure was something Sheldon had difficulty handling.
"Well," Leonard began to speak, "So much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood."
"I did this," Sheldon admitted, "MONTE was killed by my hubris and my pride. No matter what anybody says, this is my fault."
Raj leaned over to whisper in Leonard's ear, "Raj says no one's arguing with you on that."
"It'll be alright, Shelly," Claire spoke, cautiously reaching out a hand to rest it on the back of his shoulder, not wanting to be too touchy as she knew how he could get, but really wanting to do something to comfort him right now.
"How?" he asked, looking at her, "How could this ever be ok?"
Before she could answer, the door opened and Howard rushed in, Penny just behind him, a white patch over the bridge of his nose with bruises under his eyes, but seeming in better spirits than he had been, "I got your text. How bad is…" he cut himself short when he caught sight of the pieces of MONTE resting on the table, "Oy."
"Forget the robot," Leonard frowned at him, gesutring at his nose, "What happened to you?"
"He slipped and fell," Penny answered too quickly to be believable.
"...Yes," Howard agreed a little more slowly, giving a cautious look to Penny as she nodded that that was exactly what he should say, "I slipped and fell. In the bathroom. Bounced right off the tub."
"Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing when you don't treat them with respect," Penny finished.
"Yeah," he mumbled,:They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed."
Claire was fairly certain they weren't actually talking about bathtubs, but she could imagine what happened within the state Howard was in. Penny had probably gone to apologize, and Howard had tried to make a move on her at some point. And, instead of insulting him again, Penny went for physical defense. In the grand scheme, that probably was a better method to go with when it came to Howard. It didn't hurt his self-esteem, but it did send the message loud and clear.
"So what do you think, Howard?" Sheldon asked the engineer among them, looking to MONTE, "It's not that bad, right?"
"Oh, no," Howard said sarcastically, "A little electrical tape, some solder...Are you insane? I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this."
"You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A simple ceremony. Claire can help me with the eulogy, I'll speak of course. Leonard, you'll play your cello..."
"Sheldon, honey," Penny cut in gently, "Aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot."
"Wrong thing," Claire mumbled to her, moving a finger across her neck in a sign to not say anything else.
"Just a toy robot?!" Sheldon began to get more upset.
"Penny," Leonard sighed.
Penny let out a long breath, "I know, I got it," and turned to Sheldon, "Sheldon, I'm sorry."
Sheldon just shook his head at her, and turned to Claire, "I'm upset."
Claire gave him an understanding smile and opened her arms, letting him decide if he wanted to go that route for comfort or something else. But she had gauged his level of emotion correctly and he stepped closer, hugging her tightly as she patted his back.
"It really is gonna be ok, Shelly," she repeated.
"How?"
"Well..." she began, having had ample experience dealing with the Sheldon during his various to failures, there is always one sure-fire way to help him get back on his feet, "We look at this as a learning opportunity," she pulled back to make sure he was paying attention and not wallowing by looking at the pieces of MONTE over her shoulder, "Y'all built MONTE, and he faced off with an opponent that was able to defeat him. And now you have all the data on what you need to do differently next time," she smiled, "From failure we..." she trailed off, giving Sheldon a pointed look to finish her statement, something she said to him every time he struggled with failure.
"Learn," he completed, starting to smile again.
"Exactly," she nodded, "You know what to expect now, you can learn from your mistakes, and MONTE 2.0 will be even better."
"Thank you, Claire Bear," Sheldon nodded.
"Anytime, Shelly."
A/N: Poor MONTE :( RIP. I felt like this was an awkward episode to write, because Howard definitely deserved to be called out for his behavior, but was Penny too harsh or was she in the right? I felt like, to Claire, she might have associated it a bit like with bullying and feel like it would have been phrased differently to be better :/
But lol, Claire had a robot named after her :)
Some notes on reviews...
I agree, not one of Penny's best moments, I feel like she's never really been in a serious/committed relationship so she's sort of relying on what she knows of relationships in general to try and scope out Leonard. I think that's one of the areas I'm most looking forward to see her grow in :) As for Sheldon, it'll depend on if the others realize he actually like-likes Claire, they seem to think he's a robot most of the time, so it may take some convincing from Penny for the guys to see the signs ;)
Thank you for pointing it out! I went back and fixed it :) It wasn't a mix up though, sometimes when I type I go so fast that my computer autocorrects Claire to Clair or Clara lol :)
It may be a while yet before Claire and Sheldon get together, he's not very sharp in the relationships department ;)
I can see Penny or Leonard bringing it up to Sheldon, but I can say they aren't actually the first people to have told Sheldon what they think of his emotions when it comes to Claire, they might actually be the 6th or even 7th people lol but I won't say who the very first was ;)
You're not the only one nope ;) Claire and Leonard would be good together if it weren't for their respective crushes on other people :) There may be a tiny part of Claire's support of Penny and Leonard that's a bit selfish on her part, but we'll have to wait and see what that is ;) I can say I may have an episode in mind where they sort of go out together in a mixture of spite and sort of to prove a point about something, which will really get to Penny and Sheldon, but I can't say when that will be ;)
Lol Jelly Shelly :D I love it :)
Oh Sheldon will certainly be ready to invoke something when it comes to Will ;)
I definitely think Claire will have her suspicions about the elevator ;)
