I arrived at the hospital and saw Plutarch waiting at the hallway. He looked terrible and there are dark circles around his eyes.
"Where is she?" I asked without bothering for any formal greetings. I am not known for manners anyway so it's fine.
"She's in there. She woke up earlier but didn't say anything. She dozed off after they gave her a sedative. Haymitch, what the hell happened?" he answered and then asked me back.
What should I say? I know it's my fault. I pushed her to the edge. She came to 12 for help, though she did not say it, that's why she came there for and I drove her away for my selfish reason. Why didn't I see the sign? She's basically telling to my face that she felt like she didn't belong to her home anymore and I told her she's a reminder of our nightmare, that she doesn't belong with us too.
"I screwed up, Plutarch. I know it. I said some things. I was insensitive", I answered.
"You told her she doesn't belong with you either, don't you?" he asked. I didn't answer. He already knows. "Jesus, Haymitch! Okay, I know she told me not to say anything to you or to Katniss and Peeta but this is too much. Do you have any idea what they did to her down that cell?" he exclaimed.
"Johanna told Katniss about the torture…" I started but he cut me off.
"Torture? They violated her!" he shouted.
It's like the world stopped spinning and the air got sucked out of the room. I found myself holding my breath.
"What did you just say?" I asked trying my best to remain calm.
"You are so clueless, Haymitch. You are so damn clueless. It's Effie Trinket. Every man in the Capitol wants her so what would you expect when they got her locked up in the dark by herself? They knew that she doesn't know anything about the rebellion but they kept her alive not to use her as bait but because to use her for fun. She's their prize from Snow for their loyalty. They got to have Effie Trinket, the darling of the Capitol", he answered.
My ears couldn't actually accept the words he's saying to me right now.
"I only found out when we're back in 13 when they gave me her medical report. I hid it and kept it a secret because if Coin finds out about that, she would use that as leverage to make Effie do things she doesn't want to do. When the three of you returned to District 12, that's the only time I handed her the report. I told her that I didn't tell anyone and she made me promise to keep it to myself but I can't do it anymore. Sure, you suffered. Hell, we all suffered. It's not her fault. She didn't come into the game by her choice. She's forced to be part of it and she did the best that she can for her tributes and for you. I get the nightmare you went through but you got to suck it up because you have no idea what she went through either. Now, if you're planning in going in that room you have to put that drunken act behind and be there as Haymitch that used to care for her, the Haymitch that fought Coin to keep her alive because if you hurt her again, I will throw your ass back to 12 and I will never speak to you ever again", he added.
I know he means every word of it because he didn't even blink while saying them. I only nodded and proceeded to enter Effie's room.
Of course, the hospital room that she's in is way better than the one she was in back in 13. My eyes landed on her frail body on the bed wearing hospital gown. Her natural hair is on full display since it's no longer fashionable for Capitol citizen to wear wigs. Her beauty is still there although the horror she endured is evident. Her soft lips are pale. It hurts just to look at her like this. I sat next to her and held her hand. It was usually warm. She has warm hands but now it's cold.
"I'm so sorry, Eff. I am so stupid and an ass. I guess you already know that. I just didn't…I didn't think about you or your feelings. Everything is about me, I know. I am working on letting that go. Please, find the courage to fight. I promise you that when you wake up, you will find the place where you belong", I said even though I know she can't hear me. "It's just…I can't lose you too, princess. I lost a lot of people I cared about throughout the years. I have always taken you for granted and that's my mistake. You're that one person who's constantly there for me and I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I made a terrible mistake. I left you and now I shut you out. I didn't deserve to be forgiven but you deserve better. You always have. Just come back, princess", I added.
It must have been hours because I dozed off. A voice woke me up and when I looked at Effie, she's already awake staring back at me like she couldn't believe that she's looking at me.
"Hey, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?" I asked.
I haven't slept well on the train and it's only a short nap but I forced myself to be fully awake so I can be here for her.
"I've been better. My throat hurts", she answered.
"Yeah…they needed to get those pills out of you so…" I explained as much as I can. I don't really know how they do that.
"What are you doing here, Haymitch? I thought you said you moved on. I left so you can continue your lives at 12", she asked.
The pain in her voice is so loud that it is making me wish to be dead right now rather than hear the pain I caused her.
"Plutarch called me about what happened. He was the one who found you in your apartment. I just need to get here as fast as I can. I didn't tell Katniss and Peeta", I answered.
"That's good that you didn't tell them. This is embarrassing", she muttered.
"Yeah, it is…you shouldn't have done that", I agreed.
"No. It's embarrassing that it didn't work. I should be dead right now and yet here I am talking to you", she clarified.
"What? Don't talk like that, Eff. I don't ever want you to talk like that, okay? I was wrong. Everything I said to you. I was wrong. You know how foolish I can be. Forget everything I said and rest so you can get your strength back. I will be here for you. I promise. I will always be here for you", I said.
