Sorry for the long delay and this relatively short update. Depression hit me very hard over the holidays, but I have managed to climb back out of it. More to follow, I promise, I will finish this story.
Sunday morning, House forced himself to get up early, in order to be seen by the students meeting with the mind healers the first morning. He wasn't sure who else would come down for the first appointments but as he turned the corner toward the classrooms, he was mildly surprised but very pleased to see Snape standing there.
"Headmaster," he said as he drew alongside him.
"Professor House," Snape returned flatly.
House nodded, not taking it personally. He recognized the flat tone as a defense mechanism.
"Have they arrived yet?"
"They have," Snape confirmed. "They are speaking with Madam Pomfrey and will be here shortly."
House nodded again and stood silently waiting. Sure enough the mind healers came along just five minutes later.
Snape gestured for one of the healers to follow him and led the way into a classroom. The female healer went with him, leaving the male healer with House in the hallway.
"Looks like you're stuck with me," House said and led the way into the classroom.
The house elves had stacked the desks that were normally in the room along the back wall and had created a seating area in the front of the room. Two armchairs were facing each other, each with a small side table next to it. A thick area rug covered the stone floor beneath the chairs and there was ice water available as well as tissues. House picked which chair he wanted and waited for the healer to get settled.
"Thank you for going first, Professor. My name is Healer Dwight. I would like reassure you that whatever you say here will remain confidential."
"I have talked to muggle mind healers before so I understand that."
"What would you like to talk about this morning?"
"I don't know," House sighed. "What I've got going on in my life isn't anywhere near as traumatic as what this school has gone through-"
"Let me stop you right there, Professor. This isn't a contest as to who has gone through the worst trauma. If something is bothering you, you should have the same chance as anyone to speak with a mind healer."
House sighed and nodded, looking down at the pattern on the rug for a moment to marshal his thoughts.
"I'm new to the wizarding world. Only been here for four months. So far it's been very good. It's what happened in the last couple of years of my muggle life that is still bothering me."
"All right."
House sat back and slowly began to talk about Wilson, the double chemo attempt, finding out that it didn't work and Wilson had only a few months to live. He struggled to put into words how much Wilson meant to him and how devastated and lost he had felt when he realized he was losing him. He briefly summarized the roadtrip that the two of them had taken.
"Did you speak to the muggle mind healer after he died?" Dwight asked.
"No. That was a year or so before he got sick. A whole separate issue I'm not prepared to go over right now."
"Have you made any friends since you've come to the wizarding world?"
"Yes. Narcissa Malfoy, her son Draco. Headmaster Snape. I found out that my biological father is a wizard and have met one of my brothers, my father and his wife."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to foster some new friendships and especially so that you've been able to meet and connect with family. I think it would help you grieve if you talk about Wilson and this road trip more. I am more than happy to listen. If you feel comfortable enough, I would recommend you talk with your friends and family about him as well."
"I don't want to dump my issues on them, after this war they've just been through," House snapped.
"Grief, no matter the reason for it, understands grief. And perhaps you're speaking to them will help them feel like they can speak about their lost loved ones," Dwight explained. "Maybe in more detail than they would be willing to speak to me."
"Maybe," House allowed. "I just… I don't want them to think I'm trying to minimize what they are feeling or trying to say that mine is as bad as theirs."
"I understand but again, grief and trauma is individual. What may not seem as bad to one person is soul devastating to another."
"I'm going to go now," House said, getting to his feet. "There's still time for another teacher to come, if they want to. Thanks. I'll think about what you said."
"Check back in with me next week, Professor," Dwight said, letting him go without argument.
House nodded and stepped out in the hallway, nodding at McGonagall who stood there waiting. She returned his nod crisply and stepped into the classroom.
Snape had gone into the classroom ahead of the healer but stood staring at the stacked desks, ignoring the chairs for now. The healer came in behind him and took a seat in one of the armchairs and simply watched him. Eventually, he sighed and came over to sit in the other armchair.
"Good morning, Headmaster. I do hope that you are feeling better. I am Healer Alexandra."
"I am slowly recovering," Snape answered uncomfortably. "I'm not certain what to do here."
"Well, why don't you start by telling me what made you decide to seek counseling?"
"Because Professor House pointed out that the students may be more inclined to seek help if they see myself and the staff going first."
"That's very true," Alexandra agreed, accepting the face value answer for now. "What would you like to talk about?"
Snape sighed and looked over her shoulder at the blackboard for a long moment. "I didn't want to survive," he said softly. So much so that she wasn't certain whether he was speaking to her or didn't realize he was thinking aloud. She waited for him to continue.
"Miss Granger interfered, as usual, and saw that I was taken from where I lay dying to the castle for treatment. I was already unconscious. Comatose. I didn't wake up for over six weeks. Not until Professor House discovered my state and devoted all of his energy to change it."
"How did he know how to help you?"
"He was a muggle physician before coming here. One who dealt with diagnosing and treating diseases that other doctors could not. He applied the same methods to my case and succeeded in saving my life. Despite the fact that I would have preferred to die."
Snape sighed heavily and shook his head. "I would have taken my own life but… Professor House was standing there with my godson, Draco, and his mother. I found out that he'd lost his father. I didn't want to bring him more pain by losing me as well. They never left me alone after I woke up. House, Draco, and Narcissa took it in turns to stay by my side."
"Did you find that comforting or did their presence make you angry?"
"Both," Snape admitted. "It changed moment by moment."
"Has the balance been tipped to one side or the other now?"
"Yes. I am grateful for their presence now. And their continued vigilance and determination in seeing to my needs even when I have tried to angrily send them away. Professor McGonagall and Professor House are both annoyingly stubborn when they wish to be. They insisted that I return here to the school to recover. Where they and the house elves could watch me," he added acidly. "This was the last place I ever wanted to see again."
"Why did you agree?" Alexandra asked curiously. "No matter how stubborn they were, you were free to decide your own fate, so at some point, you ceded the battle to them."
"I was weak, exhausted, both physically and mentally. It would have taken more energy than I could muster to fight against them both and win. They were right. Had I gone to my home alone, as I'd desired, I would not have taken care of myself and died, as was my desire."
"Do you still wish to die?"
Snape was silent and still as stone for a long moment. "Sometimes. It comes and goes still but seems to be diminishing for now."
"Has being here at Hogwarts helped or made it harder?"
"Both. There are so many bad memories here, right from my own time as a student all the way to last year. That was why I didn't want to come back here but there are just as many bad memories in my home, as it is the home I had a miserable childhood in."
"But you said it is both hurting and helping. How is it helping?"
"I … I have been surprised by the forgiveness of the students. I have misjudged their ability to understand complicated issues all my life. Especially Mr. Potter. I was furious when I realized that he made my story public. The memories I gifted him with were for his duel with Voldemort and nothing else. And yet… it is precisely because he made them public that I was not thrown into a hole in Azkaban and forgotten. Students avoided me long before last year and that made it worse. When I attended my first meal many of them actually stepped forward to give me get well wishes. And they weren't Slytherins. It's… very confusing."
"How have the other teachers treated you?"
"At first, only Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey would speak to me and I barely tolerated their presence. And Professor House. But he was different. He's newly arrived to the wizarding world and although he has opinions of recent history, he has not personal memories or feelings about them."
"And that makes him easier to talk to?" Alexandra asked.
"It gives him objectivity. But he… unlike Minerva and Poppy, he doesn't push. If I remain silent, he will sit there and do the same. Much like you did until I was ready to speak this morning."
"How are the other teachers treating you now that you've been here a couple of months?"
"Most have returned to the way we were before the Dark Lord returned. That is largely thanks to a bargain struck with Professor House. He organized a dinner with several key people. For the first time, I fully explained myself and answered their questions. No more secrets. And… they understood. I am not so foolish to think that we will all be bosom friends from now on but at least we will no longer be mortal enemies. And perhaps… perhaps we can move forward as cautious allies at least."
Alexandra nodded and gave him a slight smile though inside she was extremely pleased. He was severely depressed but to be able to even think about moving forward was promising.
"What would you like to focus on with our talks, Headmaster?"
Snape looked at her sharply, about to snap at her presumption that he would come back for another session but he stopped himself, getting up and taking a couple of steps away from her, facing the classroom door. After several shallow breaths, he spoke softly, without turning to face her.
"I have never been happy in my entire life. I don't expect to become happy now. But… the bitterness and resentment is strangling me. I would like to get past that. Perhaps become, if not happy, at least content."
"Alright. Then for the next time you come, I would like you to think about one thing that you are bitter about or resent. It doesn't have to be the strongest one. Think about how being bitter has both helped you and hurt you."
"How can bitterness be both a help and a hurt?"
"Everything has two sides to it. Everything has the potential to be beneficial and do harm. The question is, are you gaining benefit or losing and being harmed?"
Snape nodded slowly. "Very well. Until next time, Healer Alexandra," he offered, carefully not specifying when he would return.
"Until next time, Headmaster," she replied.
Snape left the room without another word and without looking back. He was surprised to see how much time had passed. Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger were in the corridor when he emerged. They looked up and offered a quiet greeting. Snape nodded back, called out for Tippy, and had her take him back to his office.
