One – Cough remedy

This was my first brewing session with Mr Longbottom. I regret that at the time I was entirely unaware of the 'walking potential for disaster' that had just entered my classroom and was not watching very closely, so did not see exactly what happened.

We began with a basic cough remedy.

It's five ingredients. Very simple. Very difficult to get wrong.

The potion he produced would certainly have cured a throaty cough, though it would have done so by entirely burning away the throat itself.

By some careful experimenting after the class I discovered that the effects he had produced were possible if you added a sprig of terrin-grass (Not sure where he got it from) and stirred very rapidly three times counter clockwise.

Two - Hiccoughing potion

A standard potion on the first-year curriculum.

Instead of curing hiccoughs he managed to create a potion which induces asthma attacks.

Unfortunately, the effects were achieved not by ingesting the potion but by inhaling the fumes. Several other students required immediate medical attention.

For the first time in my decade of teaching I was forced to question whether the ventilation in the castle dungeons was in fact adequate for potions brewing.

Effects achieved by dropping your wand into the potion just as it steeps and then sighing heavily across the surface to disturb to fumes.

Please note: Do not inhale immediately after doing this! Hold your breath if you want to live. Not to be brewed in an enclosed space. Maybe invest in some sort of gas mask.

Three - Headache remedy

I needed a headache remedy myself after this. For reference these potions are being listed chronologically and this was about three months into his first year.

How to make a headache potion boil your brain instead:

Dragon tooth. Cedarwood. Alfalfa. Squid ink. Averic berries. Gillyweed. Dried Mandrake root.

In Longbottom's defence the credit for this one goes to some other students (Regretfully my own Slytherins) who I later realised were throwing things into his cauldron whenever he turned away.

Four – Shampoo

Your everyday hair wash treatment. A brew that has been played around with and adapted by house-witches for generations. You can literally add anything to this potion and not cause an adverse effect.

Or so I thought.

For any witchdoctors reading this who need an innovative new way to shrink heads you are in luck.

First brew the basic shampoo formula (recipes available in any standard witches' housekeeping book) then sneeze into the potion three times, add a handkerchief which has previously been soaked in pumpkin juice and coated in sesame seeds, (Why he even attempted to blow his nose with this is a mystery), then throw in lavender, sandalwood, cinnamon, coconut and mint (Apparently, he didn't realise he was meant to just pick one scent not use all of them) and stir lightly before adding a whole candle. (He was attempting to fish out his handkerchief with a spoon and was using the candle to see better.)

Five – Rash potion

They say there is more than one way to skin a cat.

This potion is one of those ways. It is in fact an effective method for skinning just about anything.

Not to be confused with correctly brewed rash potion which of course will cure a rash. This bright purple gloop when administered to skin will cause it to neatly fizzle away.

Avoid contact.

Wear gloves. (Not dragon hide, it will melt right through them. Metal plated gloves.)

Produced by adding at least three ounces of Amchur Powder (In this case clumsily dropped a whole pot in whilst attempting to pass it to someone else) then immediately removing the cauldron from the heat (In a panic) and placing (hiding) it inside a dark cupboard for three hours (where I would later find it)