Tanya tried not to get angry at the cheering crowds that welcomed them into the capital. She wouldn't get angry at them, since it wasn't their fault.
She wouldn't give the same consideration to Viktoriya, Claire, and Rain, though…
Happy laughter distracted her, and she turned to find that Iris was smiling widely and waving. Tanya, who was very well acquainted with her own face, could tell that she was genuinely happy and not just faking it for the crowds.
She shook her head as they neared the castle. Well, as long as Iris was fine with it, she would just have to make the meaning of her words more clear next time.
Just as they came to the gate, Tanya's eyebrows creased. It looked like an unusual number of beastmen were gathered around the front gates.
She blinked, and wondered why they all looked so… green. Were they sick? Had something…
BANG!
In a flash of movement, the front gate was slammed shut by some of the tallest people she'd ever seen.
Well, not people. They were, judging by the way that the ones barring the gate were nearly neon green and she could see some patches of fur covering their skin, Orcs.
She turned her head to see that they had surrounded the carriage. Some guards seemed to be trying to get closer, but they were barring them. Tanya reached for her rifle, and Iris reached for her sword.
"Wait! Please, I beseech thee to hear what we have to say!"
Two Orcs – looking about as human as Lorelei did besides a very slight green tinge – had jumped in front of the carriage, blocking the way of the Lizard Runners, while two more were at the side of the carriage with Tanya on it. They were looking at her more than they were Iris.
Tanya didn't really like her odds. She didn't have a lot of bullets, and that contract was pushing her to take the Princess in her arms and fly to the safety of the castle.
She began to argue with the impulse. If she talked, they might stop fighting, decreasing the possible harm Iris might fall under. The contract seemed to accept that, and she held a hand out as Iris began to draw her sword.
"Wait."
Iris almost ignored her, but her memories of Tanya's deeds caught up with her. The two Orcs saw their chance and began to speak quickly.
"When we encountered you, those weeks ago, we wondered why you denied being male. While you might look like a female, our instincts told us that you were a male."
Tanya grabbed onto Iris and began to power up the Type 97. She wasn't-
A painful twinge in her chest reminded her of her rationale for staying. She knew it was possible this would be safer in the long run, but-
They continued on, ignoring the pained look on her face. "However, our instincts also told us that, despite being male, you wouldn't be a particularly good mate. That, however, contradicted the power you displayed. We wondered how this conundrum could happen, and we believed, initially, that it was because you were insane."
Tanya tried to tell them to shut up, or to wait until Iris couldn't hear, but the Princess just nodded, completely involved with their story.
"However, that hasn't stopped the instincts of another village of Orcs we know of from trying to mate with the Crimson Demons. We thought, for a while, and then we realized what the answer was."
The second one, which hadn't been speaking for a long while, withdrew an… oddly shaped object from within a bag and held it out on the flat of her palms.. It didn't resemble a potion, or a glass or crystal sphere.
Instead, it looked like a simple wooden stick.
Not like a tree branch, either. The stick was a perfect wooden cylinder, besides the writing around one end of it. The second one began to explain.
The first one continued to talk. "You are a man that is trapped in the body of a woman! Your disdain for feminine things is well known among the beastmen of both Axel and this city, who trade with us occasionally. Additionally, it might explain why you keep your hair short, wear men's clothing, and have not once, in the months that you were in Belzerg, sought out the companionship of another, despite your marriageable age."
Tanya was gawking at the Orc, silently trying to understand what the fuck was happening.
She didn't know how Iris had reacted, because she really, really didn't want to turn to her side and find out.
She tried to respond. "Bu- But… what if you were wrong? What if I just didn't like those things, or if I had another reason?"
The first Orc shrugged. "The Succubi, who may not like us because we deprive them of customers and who seek us out anyway for advice on persuading men to do as they wish, have asked around a lot about rare magical artifacts. They didn't realize it, but the array they tried to find for you, from powerful weapons to interesting potions to rare armor, narrowed down your desire to something either legendary or deviant."
Tanya was still trying to come up with a response. The second Orc began to explain what the odd looking piece of wood was for.
"Behold, the Stick of Shifting! With this, you'll be able to switch your gender without any ill side effects! It came from the Orcs near the Crimson Demon Village, who were promised the next three men we catch, besides you."
Tanya blinked again, and she recalled the whole purpose for this production. They wanted to take her back to their village and rape her.
Tanya swiped the stick from them, tossed it into the carriage through the small window that allowed those inside to communicate with the driver, and smiled at them.
"Thank you! Now fuck off!"
With a jolt, she urged the Lizard Runners forward. They ran past the Orcs in front of them, who were hit by the carriage. Tanya then used the Flight Spell she had wanted to use to get away after that first sentence to send the entire carriage up and over the iron gates.
The Orcs all cried out in dismay, but if they thought Tanya would let them rape her just because she would be a male, they were clinically insane.
They landed with a crash. Tanya and Iris both jumped off and managed to avoid any damage. Tanya looked around, saw the very confused, conflicted expression on Iris's face, and made a snap decision.
"Sleep."
She collapsed immediately, and Tanya hefted her over her back in a fireman's carry. She'd get that stick, and, hopefully, Iris would think that the conversation was a bad dream.
Tanya went to the broken carriage – one side was dragging across the ground, though the Lizard Runners seemed mostly fine – and opened the door. She grinned.
The stick was there. Hopefully it would work as advertised…
-OxOxO-
It did not.
In fact, it wasn't magic at all. Once she got a closer look at the writing, she found out it just said 'skidaddle, skidoodle, use this stick as your noodle.'
Tanya was not amused and wondered how much the Orcs had been ripped off. Maybe they had the real deal in their village, and had only brought this fake?
She didn't know, and she didn't care. She wasn't walking into a trap, especially if the Succubi were still looking for the item. And if the Orcs had gotten this one from that 'Crimson Demon Village,' then maybe she could try and get it herself?
-OxOxO-
A/N 1: Not Canon, but do remember that the Orcs are still around. They might have seemed like a chance encounter, but they're still lurking…
Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this small bit of humor at the idea of the Orcs, of all things, figuring out her secret.
A/N 2: Responses to Reviews:
DNWorks: Not all of them. A fair few of Aqua's followers probably praise her because they rely on water more than the average person – people like farmers or seafarers or hot spring managers – instead of because they want unrestricted love. Besides, Kazuma's Reincarnation made it clear that there's some underlying karma system that makes it so deities can't send people they dislike to hell based on personal opinions.
Which has made me realize that the largest plot hole isn't Tanya getting killed at the beginning, but that she has enough karma to have a choice in where she ends up…
Thankfully, I've got a way to fix both of those, eventually.
nofirekiller122: Yes, but it's Dust. No song fits him better, and I dare you to object to that.
simple405: …yes. Very Probably.
L4 of the West: I hadn't thought of it from that perspective, which is weird considering my own family, but whatever…
And I've had the pure crack idea of making every single Reincarnate come from this single Japanese Family. Great.
Sprengkamp: Pro- actually, yes. I was going to throw one in, but I liked how things were going and I didn't want to try and… muddle the water. Expect to see one mentioned during The Anniversary.
Acerman: Thank you for the praise! Swamp hag is Macha, an Irish goddess associated with war, sovereignty, horses, land, and fertility, according to Wikipedia. She isn't from some other work of fiction, but she explains that an Isekai took place in her world, but the black plague wipes out most everyone except for the people in Ireland.
I'll probably end up giving some backstory and writer's commentary in future Omakes.
