Another Therapy Session

Beth has lost track of how many sessions she's had with Dr. Hill. At this point, she's seeing him more often than her brother.

"Good morning Beth," Alan greets as she walks in.

"Good morning Dr. Hill, oh," Beth catches herself. "I know you wanted me to call you Alan, but I always forget."

"Whatever's most comfortable for you," he shrugs.

She nods, "Alright."

Beth takes her seat. Alan takes his across from her. He studies her for a quick moment before saying anything. She's certainly looking much better than when they started their sessions. She doesn't look tired or out of it, her hair is being taken care of, and her skin had some color to it. One would say she looks normal, but he knows they've still got a ways to go.

"So, Beth, it's been a while," Dr. Hill begins, crossing his legs.

"Yeah, it has."

"How was the vacation?"

"It was good, kinda weird, but mostly fun."

"Why weird?"

"I don't know, it's just. . . France."

"France is weird?"

"I guess, I mean, not in a bad way, but yeah, it was weird."

Dr. Hill just laughs, "I think it's weird too."

Beth smiles.

"So, how have you been?" asks Dr. Hill, picking up his pen.

"Good, mostly."

"Still having nightmares?"

"Sometimes, yeah, not as often though."

"When was the last time?"

"Uh," Beth thinks, "Before the vacation, like, a month ago, maybe?" She guesstimates. "Something like that."

Dr. Hill writes that down.

"That's good, and the hallucinations?"

"I haven't really had any in a while, I mean, I still think about her all the time, and that. . . that face I used to see all the time, you know, the-."

"You don't have to describe it."

"Right. I um, I don't actually really see it anymore, but it's always popping in my mind, especially when I'm trying to sleep."

"Does it bother you?"

Beth squints slightly, "Of course it bothers me."

"Right, sorry. Just asking."

He writes that down.

"So, you still think about her a lot?"

"Yeah, like all the time, but, I mean, I don't think, like, I'll ever not think of her, and I want to, kinda, just not in that way. . ." she trails off, troubled for words.

"You don't want to forget her."

"Yeah, I mean, how could I?"

"But the thoughts don't comfort you, they bother you?"

"Well yeah. I mean now they do, but they won't always, at least I hope not," Beth looks down.

"It has only been seven months."

"It feels longer," says Beth.

"Some people never get over a loss that heavy. The fact that you have come this far in half a year is very good, you've shown a lot of improvement in a short amount of time."

"Yeah," Beth nods.

"Have your friends been helping you at all?" Alan changes the subject.

"Yeah, but, well, mostly Sam and my brother. Chris makes me laugh a lot."

"No one else?"

"I haven't really said that much to the rest I guess. It's just, like, I don't know what to say. I mean we have talked, but. . . I don't know."

"Are you still mad at them?"

Beth doesn't reply. She looks away. She wants to say no.

"Seems like it," Alan says, noticing her silence.

"I'm not. . . 'mad,' I was, like a lot. But now I'm just, um," Beth stumbles. "It's hard to just forget about it all, I guess."

"You're still mad."

He writes that down.

Beth doesn't say anything, she stares at Hill. She's irritated at him now, for not believing her, but mostly because he's right.

"I don't want to be, I want to just. . . forgive them, and move on, and be done with it all. I do. I know that it wasn't really their fault what happened."

"But you can't let it go."

Beth breathes in, "She won't let me."

"Who?"

"Hannah."

Dr. Hill stares, a bit confused. "What do you mean 'she won't let you'?"

Beth looks visibly uncomfortable, "Every time I think about it, and that I just want to let it go, I think of her, and how sad she was, how badly they humiliated her, and I just, I-I can't. . ."

"You're getting angry."

Beth stops. Her heart is racing, her fists are clenched, she wants to yell.

"I guess I am," she restrains herself.

"You can yell, let it out. It's fine."

Beth doesn't say anything. She doesn't want to be mad.

"The more you hold it in the worse it'll be."

"I can't. I just. . . I just can't."

"It'll come. I just hope it'll be here."

"I don't want to!" Beth says, "I hate feeling mad. I don't want to yell at them, I don't want to be mad at them. They're still my friends."

"But you are mad at them Beth," Hill points out. "Even if you don't want to be, you are. Anger isn't always voluntary."

Beth's whole body feels tight, tensing up. She feels tears welling up in her eyes. She's mad. She hates it.

"How do I make it stop?" she needs to know, she can't stand this feeling.

"You have to let it go."

"How?!"

"Yell, shout, scream. It doesn't need to be at them, but honestly, it might be better for you if it was."

"No! I don't like yelling!"

"You're yelling now."

"STOP IT!" Beth's hands to go her head. She's sweating. She leans back in the chair, taking deep breaths.

Dr. Hill is silent, he just watches Beth try to calm herself down. He knows she's going to snap, have a meltdown. It's coming, even if she doesn't want it, she can't stop it. He can try to nudge, even push her into it, but he can't force her into it. Beth has to do it on her own, and she's being stubborn.

Beth leans forward on the desk, her head in her hands.

"I don't want to talk anymore," she says weakly.

Dr. Hill sighs. Close, but not quite.

"Alright Beth, okay."

Beth's still breathing hard.

"I'm sorry," she says, wiping her face with her sleeve.

"Don't be sorry. You're not the one who should be sorry."

Beth gets up, grabbing her bag.

"This was good Beth, we learned a lot today," says Dr. Hill.

Beth goes to the door. She doesn't even want to say goodbye, in fear it'll be used against her.

"Beth."

She looks at him.

"Think about what I said. Let it out, everyone in your situation has to, and people who don't end up losing their minds."

"Goodbye Dr. Hill."

"Goodbye Beth."

Beth leaves. She tries to just close the door but she still feels like she slammed it.

Dr. Hill looks at his watch. Fifteen minutes. He sighs.

"Still feels too long."