TW: Mentions of blood. Mentions of vomit.
After the discovery of Makoto's illness, everything went really quick; Makoto was admitted to the hospital in Iwatobi and started his first cycle of chemotherapy.
The twins didn't take the news of their brother's disease that well. At first they were confused; their brother had been sick before, and while they felt sorry for him, they didn't understand why it was such a big deal and why everyone was crying. When Mr. Tachibana explained the seriousness of the situation and the fact that Makoto could die from this disease, they panicked and cried hysterically, as if their brother had already passed away. After they had calmed down and their father explained everything again, now emphasizing the fact that Makoto still had a fairly big chance of surviving his leukemia, it still didn't really reach their minds. All that had stuck with them was that Makoto was really sick and that there was a possibility that he would die.
Now, Haruka was standing in front of the tall building, hesitant to go inside. Makoto was admitted earlier today and this was his first time visiting him. Part of him wanted to go inside as quickly as possible to be close to Makoto, but he also felt reluctance, because he knew that he couldn't keep denying the harsh truth once he was confronted with it directly.
After taking a deep breath, Haruka made up his mind and walked forward, the automatic doors sliding open as he stepped inside of the hospital.
He made his way through the corridor towards the front desk. Behind it sat a fairly young nurse, who looked up when he saw Haruka approach.
''Hello, what can I help you with?''
''Um.'' Haruka cleared his throat before making another attempt at asking his question. ''Could you please tell me where the children's oncology department is?''
A look of sympathy flashed the young man's face, before he smiled emphatically at Haruka. ''Certainly. You walk through this hall, then turn left. You'll reach the elevators and you go up to the third floor. Then, the first hall to your left.''
Haruka nodded and let out a small 'thank you' before he followed the path the nurse described to him. When he reached the elevators, he pushed the 'up' button and waited until one of them arrived. While he was waiting, an elderly woman came closer to him, seemingly waiting for the elevator as well.
''Good afternoon,'' she greeted him.
Even if Haruka didn't feel like it, he didn't want to be impolite, so he returned her greeting.
''Ah,'' the woman sighed, ''what a wonderful day isn't it?'' She looked over at Haruka and smiled. ''My granddaughter just had her first child.''
''Congratulations,'' Haruka said. He really tried to sound genuine, but it was really hard when you're on the edge of breaking down and someone's rubbing their happiness in your face.
''Thank you.''
The elevator arrived and Haruka and the elderly woman got in. Haruka pushed the button to the third floor and the lady pushed the fifth button.
''So, what's a young man like you doing in a hospital? You're not sick, are you?''
Haruka sighed; he really didn't want to be having this conversation right now, but not responding wasn't an option either. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat but it was to no avail.
''No,'' he muttered. ''My best friend has cancer.'' Saying these words hurt more than he would have imagined.
''Oh.'' The woman was taken aback my Haruka's blunt statement, and she looked as if she didn't really knew what to say. ''I'm very sorry to hear that.''
He didn't want the conversation to progress any further, so he just nodded.
''I, um, I hope he gets better soon.''
Luckily, at that moment the elevator dinged, telling them that they had reached the third floor.
''I hope so too.'' was all Haruka said before he stepped outside, leaving the startled grandmother alone with her joy.
A sign hung from the ceiling with the words "children's oncology" engraved in it. He walked into the corridor the sign was pointing to and the scent of sickness and medicine hit his nostrils. The smell that was so hospital-like was another validation that this was reality and Haruka took another deep breath.
He searched for the right room number, finding it a little down the hall. Room number 12: Tachibana Makoto.
Reaching out his arm, his hand grabbed the doorknob. Before he opened the door, he faced another moment of slight hesitation. There was no going back now.
Gathering up all of his courage, he pushed the handle down and entered the hospital room. The room was fairly big for one person and the yellow curtains were drawn close, though the room was still lit up by the sun thanks to the light colour. Walking further inside, he saw the boy that was lying in the middle of a big hospital bed and Haruka almost hadn't recognised him.
His eyes were closed, his brown hair sprawled out over the pillow, IV drip in his right arm. He looked small, weak, but most of all he looked sick. He didn't look like his Makoto at all; he looked more like a small child and it made Haruka's breath hitch.
He bit his lip, feeling like he was nailed to the floor. He wanted to run away and pretend he didn't see anything, like all of this wasn't true and that he was delusional. He also wanted to run over to Makoto's side, hold his hand and help him through all of the misery and misfortune. He didn't do any of this; he couldn't do anything but stand there, the harsh reality thrown in his face like a bucket of ice water that paralyzed all of his senses for a little while.
He snapped out of it when he heard the voice of Makoto's father.
''Haru-kun.''
Haruka just nodded in acknowledgement of Mr. Tachibana's words, the lump that was still in his throat successfully preventing him from speaking.
Now, he was able to focus on more of his surroundings. He saw Makoto's parents sitting on either side of the bed, Mrs. Tachibana holding Makoto's large left hand in her smaller ones. The twins werent't there.
''Haru-kun.'' It was Makoto's mother who spoke this time. She looked up from her son's sleeping face, her eyes meeting Haruka's. ''Please take a seat.''
He did as she had proposed and sat down in the chair next to hers. The chair was more comfortable than what you'd normally expect from a hospital; Haruka figured it was because most the patients as well as the visitors would be staying here for a while. That thought hurt more than it should have.
Haruka could feel the tears prickling behind his eyelids and in order to distract himself, he asked the first thing that came to mind.
''Ren and Ran aren't here?''
''No,'' Mr. Tachibana responded, ''they're at their grandmother's house. Their presence would be a little too much for Makoto right now.''
''Oh,'' Haruka dumbly replied. ''Should I...?''
''No, please stay, Haru-kun. I'm sure Makoto would appreciate your company,'' Mrs. Tachibana spoke, glancing back from him to Makoto.
Once again, all Haruka could do was nod in acknowledgement.
They sat there for a while in silence, since no one really knew what to say. What do you even talk about in a situation like this, when you're all surrounding the bed of a sick loved one? Haruka wouldn't know; he wasn't even talkative under normal circumstances. He was usually fine with quietness, he even preferred it, but for once he wished the room would be filled with meaningless small talk. Then, he would be able to focus on anything but his own thoughts, that were slowly consuming him at this minute.
He looked over Makoto's sleeping form as he willed himself to keep it together. He tried to look for a distraction of some sort, but what could even suffice at this moment? He tried thinking of all the happy moments in his life, but that hurt as well, as Makoto played a big part in every single one of them. And the fact that he could potentially lose Makoto - one of his main sources of happiness - stung. Every thought hurt. He wished he could just turn his brain off and stop thinking all together. But the more he tried to forget, the more he remembered. Not just his happiest memories, even simple, seemingly meaningless ones. Like how Makoto split a popsicle for them to share and whenever it was uneven, he would give the biggest piece to him. Like when it would rain, Makoto would sneak the stray cats inside his house, and when Haruka would confront him about it, he would beg him to let them stay. When Makoto would scold him for dressing too lightly while it was snowing, and how he would take off his own scarf and wrap it around Haruka's neck. At those moments he didn't think twice of what was happening, as they seemed like normal, every day things. Never would he have thought he would remember them here, in this hospital room, on this rainy afternoon in the beginning of October.
But it was then that he realised that all of these moments, no matter how small they might have been, were significant and they all held a place in his heart. He would cherish them forever.
He was ripped from his thoughts when a woman walked inside. Her straight, chocolate-coloured hair was put up in a ponytail, her dark brown eyes were partially hidden behind frameless glasses, and she wore a kind smile. She was wearing a white lab coat and clutched a clipboard against her chest. She introduced herself to him as Shimura-sensei; Makoto's oncologist.
Even though Makoto's parents knew this already, Shimura-sensei talked them through the treatment Makoto was going to receive once more. Haruka wanted to know everything to the smallest of details and he wanted to know nothing about it at all. He wanted to know the specifics, because this was of great importance to Makoto; it was literally serving in order to save Makoto's life. But knowing the specifics made him aware of the pain Makoto would be going through; it was an extra acknowledgement of Makoto's illness, as a normal teenage boy wouldn't know the specifics of leukemia treatment.
Never before had Haruka felt this conflicted. Normally, he would want something, and that would be that. He would be stubborn until he received it. But now... now he wanted something, yet he wanted the exact opposite as well. He wanted everything. He wanted nothing.
The words of the doctor didn't stop flowing through the formerly quiet room as Haruka's internal debate continued. Because of this, Haruka could only catch a few things that were said; something about three stages, the possibility of other medication to fight potential side affects, and two years. Though it left him with so many unanswered questions, he didn't want to ask them. Even if he wanted to, he was sure his mouth wouldn't be able to function as he'd like, and his voice wasn't even in his throat anymore; at least, it felt like it wasn't. So when Shimura-sensei asked if there was anything that wasn't clear, if there were any questions anyone would like to ask, Haruka kept his lips tightly shut together and his inquiries stayed unvoiced.
After bidding Makoto's parents and Haruka goodbye, Shimura-sensei left, leaving a lingering silence behind.
A few hours had gone by and Haruka was now alone with Makoto in his hospital room. Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana had left a little while ago to go eat dinner at the restaurant downstairs. The entire time that Haruka had been there, Makoto hadn't woken up. It really showed how utterly exhausted he had been, as only a bit of medication had put him in a deep sleep.
Haruka had opened one of the curtains and was now peering out the window, watching as the rain gently, almost hypnotisingly tapped against the window, when a groan brought him back to earth. He turned back to his friend, who's eyes were slowly fluttering open.
When Makoto's eyes had focused, he looked bewilderdly around himself, as if he had no idea where he was. His gaze then met Haruka's, his eyes full of confusion.
''Haru?'' he asked, his voice still groggy from sleep. He tried to sit up, but his arms weren't strong enough to support his weight and he slumped back down on the bed. Haruka automatically reached forward to ease him back into a lying position before he searched for the remote of the bed. When he found it he pressed one of the buttons, which made the top end of the bed slowly rise. He released it when he thought it was up far enough and put the remote back on the iron bar that was hanging loosely beneath the bed it was attachted to.
Makoto sat up a little straighter, his back now supported by the mattress, as he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes with his fist. ''What time is it?'' he asked, ''Shouldn't you be at school?''
Haruka glanced at the clock that hung above the door. ''It's about half past five, so, no.''
''Huh, it's that late already?'' Makoto questioned. Haruka only shrugged in response.
''How long have you been here?'' Another shrug. ''And I've been asleep the entire time! I'm so sorry, Haru!''
''It's fine, Makoto.''
Makoto opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it again when Haruka shot him a look.
''Did I miss anything at school today?'' he then inquired.
Once again, all Haruka could do was raise his shoulders.
''Haru!'' Makoto scolded, ''You really have to go to school, even if I'm not there.''
Haruka averted his eyes, huffing slightly.
''Haru, promise me you'll go to school from now on.''
He still didn't look up to meet Makoto's stare as he muttered an almost inaudible ''fine''.
Makoto heard him though, as his facial features relaxed and a soft smile appeared on his lips.
''Haru,'' he called, wanting Haruka to meet his eyes again. When he did, Makoto continued. ''Thank you for coming.'' T
he gentle words that Makoto spoke sounded so honest and thankful that they filled Haruka's chest with warmth. It was for the first time since he heard the phrase that broke his heart that he felt anything other than ice. It was as if his insides had frozen when Makoto had spoken those life-changing words, and now, the ice was melting, even if only a little. And because of that, Haruka couldn't stop himself from smiling back at his friend.
Silence fell between them, though it wasn't awkward or suffocating like the previous silences in this room had been; it was a comfortable one, one that could only fall between Makoto and him. They watched as the sky turned darker, and Makoto broke the silence.
''I think you should go home now, Haru.''
Haruka turned back to Makoto, with upturned eyebrows. What Makoto had said baffled him a little, as it was very uncharacteristic for Makoto to say something like this, especially to him. He wondered if he had imposed on Makoto for too long, if Makoto had gotten sick of his company, if his presence was just a nuisance to him. When the other noticed what his friend was thinking, he quickly explained.
''It'll be dark outside soon, and you still have to take the train-''
''I'm not a schoolgirl,'' Haruka interrupted him.
''I know! You know I didn't mean it like that, but you're all by yourself, and it's getting more and more dangerous out lately...'' Makoto looked as if he had more to say, but he didn't finish his sentence.
Haruka snorted. Makoto was the one who had actual cancer flowing through his veins, and he worried about his safety? It really was a prime example of how selfless and kind Makoto actually was.
''It's okay, Makoto,'' he said. I understand. He got up and stretched, as his body had become sore from sitting in the same position for a long time. ''Then, I'll see you tomorrow.''
''Tomorrow?'' Makoto questioned, his voice full of hope, which he was probably unable to suppress.
''Someone has to give you your homework, right?''
Makoto's eyes lit up at Haruka's words and he smiled gratefully. Haruka knew Makoto was very concerned about his schoolwork. He already tried to stay on top of everything when he wasn't ill yet, so Haruka could only imagine how worried Makoto would be now he couldn't attend his classes and take notes. He knew Makoto was afraid of getting behind and failing, and therefore he had taken it upon himself that he would try to make sure Makoto wouldn't lose track of his academic work. He also knew that Makoto wouldn't want to burden anyone, and therefore he didn't ask Haruka to do this for him. But really, this was the least Haruka could do for him. He might not have the power to cure Makoto or to take his pain away, but he was determined to be there for Makoto any way he could.
Haruka turned to walk out of the room when Makoto's voice stopped him.
''Haru!''
He ceased walking and looked back at Makoto, who had a shy but genuine expression on his face.
''Thank you,'' he said with a beautiful smile. The smile.
He knew Makoto wasn't just thanking him for the fact that he was going to bring him his homework, but also because he was here, supporting him.
Haruka couldn't do anything but smile a little in return, a faint blush dusting his cheeks, before he walked out of the room with an unspoken promise of coming back.
When he left the hospital, he was feeling noticably better than when he entered it. The rain had stopped to fall as Haruka made his way towards the train station. He breathed in the cold autumn air with a completely different midset than he had earlier this afternoon.
Back then he only saw the sickness, the pain, the possibility of death, but now, he felt hope. Hope that Makoto would fight, hope that he would recover. Makoto was strong, perhaps even the strongest person he knew, and though Haruka couldn't cure his disease, couldn't take the pain away, he was going to be there for Makoto in any way possible. He would support Makoto, take care of Makoto, help Makoto, and stay by his side. If moral support was all he had to offer Makoto, then he was going to give him all he's got. Makoto was going to recover. He was going to get better. Haruka was sure of it.
Little did he know that this new determination would be short-lived.
After his first visit, Haruka returned to the hospital every single day. He always said it was just to bring Makoto his notes and homework, but he knew it was just a lame excuse. Honestly, he just wanted to stay by Makoto's side, especially since his faith from before had already come crashing down.
The chemo made Makoto so sick. The side affects Shimura-sensei had informed them about hit him harder than anyone expected. He completely lost his appetite, and even when he did eat, he couldn't keep it inside for longer than two minutes. Because of that, he got to a point where he just refused to eat at all - what was the point if it was just going to come out again right away? - which led to the nurses being on his back constantly, much to Haruka's annoyance. He knew they intended it well and that they were right, yet it still irked him. He felt like they shouldn't force Makoto to do anything against his will, even if it was for the best.
Most of the nurses were really nice though, even if Haruka hadn't felt that way from the beginning, as he had a bit of a rough start with some of them. They had tried to send him away, saying that Haruka's presence was too much for Makoto to handle right now, that he was too sick for 'casual company'. The main issue was that Haruka came every day without fail, and he didn't exactly limit his stay to visiting hours. Haruka had always ignored them, not even acknowledged their words, since he had no intention of leaving. If they wanted him to leave, they'd have to drag him out of here. And of course, they only brought this up whenever Makoto was unconscious, so he couldn't protest when they tried to make his best friend leave.
It wasn't until Mrs. Tachibana had a talk with them, explaining just how deep the connection between the two boys really was, how Haruka was practically family, how important Haruka's presence actually was, and that the highest possibility for Makoto to recover was if Haruka was by his side, that they dropped it. By then they had already learned that Haruka was more of a quiet existence rather than a big disturbance, so they stopped bothering him and accepted his presence.
Haruka was really grateful to Makoto's mother, and he made sure to thank her after she had spoken up for him. The smile he received in return made him wonder just how much she knew about the relationship between Makoto and him, if she knew that there were more than just friendly feelings involved, at least for Haruka's part. He never asked her about it, though, since what he felt for Makoto really was the least of his concern at that moment.
Next to all the possible side effects, the most certain side effect of chemotherapy set through rapidly as well; Makoto's hair started to fall out. Within two weeks, there were noticable bald spots on Makoto's head. He'd always had a habit of running his digits through his hair, and every time he did it now there were tufts of his olive brown locks between his fingers. Strands of his hair could also be found on his pillow and he had already lost a part of his left eyebrow.
Whenever he found himself with literal hands full of hair, it was like his illness was thrown in his face all over again. It even hurt Haruka, because every time it happened the expression on Makoto's face was just so sad. Haruka didn't ever want to see such sadness filling Makoto, as nothing other but a smile fit Makoto's beautiful features.
Therefore, after approximately three weeks, they decided that it was for the best to just shave all of Makoto's hair off. Then, it would all be over at once, and he wouldn't have to suffer through the loss bit by bit.
Makoto didn't make as much as a sound when the buzzing trimmer ran over his scalp. Within minutes, the floor beneath the chair he was sitting on was littered in his brown hair, until little to nothing remained on his head. He didn't show any sign of remorse, of pain that lies within losing something like this, but Haruka knew that it must've hurt. Haruka had offered to shave his own hair off as well; if that would lift a weight off of Makoto's shoulders, ease his burdens, or even just made him feel a tiny bit better, then he would do it immediately. His hair meant little to him, especially compared to what Makoto meant to him, and if it would make him feel less insecure, he would do it in a heartbeat. Makoto immediately refused, though, telling him that it was unnecessary for Haruka to lose his hair, and that while he appreciated the offer, he didn't want Haruka to do it.
Seeing Makoto without his hair for the first time was so weird for Haruka, even though he had been there when it was taken off. Even as a baby Makoto had never been completely bald - not that Haruka could remember, but he had seen pictures - and it was just an odd experience to see such a noticable change in his appearance. For practically every day in his entire life he had seen the same face, gradually aging without his awareness, so to now see the all too familiar sight of his best friend being drastically different from one moment to the next was strange. He still found Makoto attractive, even without the hair, but Haruka doubted anything could ever change the way he felt about the other.
The thing that did change, however, was that Makoto looked even more sick; sicker than he ever had. Besides the frequent vomiting, the occasional stream of blood down his face, and the fact that his skincolour challenged that of a ghost, the baldness was the first and foremost sign that he was terribly ill. On bad days, he didn't just look sick; he looked like he was dying.
Everyone tried to keep their spirits up, though, as negativity was about the last thing Makoto needed to recover. Soon enough, their daily lives continued, though it wasn't like before. Mr. Tachibana had gone back to work not long after Makoto was admitted, and a few weeks after Mrs. Tachibana had as well. They wanted to support their son, stay by his side through this difficult period, but even if Makoto's fate had drastically changed, life goes on for the rest of them. It had taken a lot of convincing on Makoto's part for his mother to actually do something else beside sitting at his bedside the entire day. It's not that he didn't appreciate her being here for him, but she couldn't just stay there all day; the twins still needed their mother after all. She had protested at first, as she didn't want to leave him by himself all day, but Makoto insisted that it was fine; he still had the nurses to take care of him, and the twins needed her more. After a long argument, Makoto's mother had given in, though she still visited at least once a day. She mostly visited in the mornings, as the twins and Haruka went to school, and Haruka came every afternoon. That way, Makoto would never be alone for too long, because even if Makoto insisted he was fine by himself, Haruka knew he just didn't want to burden anyone and that all of this still scared him.
And even though Haruka knew he was anxious, Makoto never once complained, he never let out a single tear after that one private moment in his room; he kept smiling. Even on the bad days, when he felt even more miserable than he looked, he always put effort into curling the corners of his mouth upwards, if only in the slightest.
Haruka fell into a new routine, as well. He would go to school every day and actually pay attention, take notes of everything that might be important for Makoto, and eat his lunch on the roof in solitude. After school, he would go straight to the hospital. On good days, Makoto and he would do homework together and Haruka would tell him about everything he missed. On bad days, he would just stay by Makoto's side and try to do his own homework when Makoto was asleep. He would always leave before it got too dark, because he knew that Makoto didn't want him to stroll around by himself after the sun went down completely. More often than not Mr. Tachibana would come in the evening, occasionally accompanied by Mrs. Tachibana and the twins, so Haruka didn't feel that bad for leaving Makoto. On days he didn't have school, he would go to the hospital in the morning as well, together with Makoto's mother and sometimes Ran and Ren. And every day without fail, Makoto would thank him for coming, along with a small smile. Haruka didn't know why he did that, but he never commented on it and just nodded, together with a tiny smile of his own.
The other change in Haruka's life was that he actually carried his phone with him at all times. Not only because Makoto and he would mail more often than before, as they were not together constantly anymore, but also in case of emergencies, because even if he didn't want to think that way, there was always a possibility that Makoto's disease took a turn for the worse.
He was walking out of the school's gates when his phone actually vibrated, the sound it made telling him that he had received a message, and it made his heart skip a beat; he knew it wasn't Makoto, as he had set a special ringtone for Makoto's number. There weren't many other people that knew his phone number, and that was the fact that made him worry. When he fished his phone out of his pocket and read who the sender was, his anxiety only grew. The sender of the message that had yet to be read was Mrs. Tachibana. They had exchanged contact information in case of emergencies, specifically, emergencies concerning Makoto.
Immediately, Haruka's worst fears flashed through his mind. Nothing bad happened to Makoto, had it? His heartbeat sped up, panic rushing through his being. He could hear his blood flowing in his ears, and his hands shook as he opened the received message.
He let out a big sigh of relief when the first part of the message informed him that this wasn't an emergency and that Makoto was fine - well, as fine as someone with acute lymphocytic leukemia could be. She then apologised if she made him worry, which made Haruka wonder just how well Mrs. Tachibana actually knew him.
It was actually obvious that it wasn't an emergency, otherwise she would have probably called.
The rest of the message said that something had come up at her part-time job, and she kindly asked him to pick up Ren and Ran from their school and take them to the hospital with him.
He mailed her back, telling her that it was okay and that he would do it. He was already on his way to Iwatobi Elementary when his phone buzzed again, Mrs. Tachibana thanking him and telling him that the school already knew that he was the one that was going to pick up the twins.
When he arrived at the school, he saw Ran and Ren chattering among their friends. Then, they simultaneously looked up, spotted him, and yelled ''Haru-chan!'' in unison. They ran towards him and attacked his waist, their conversation with their peers long forgotten as they greeted their brother's friend. Haruka caught the both of them, patting their backs in a silent greeting.
Ran pulled back first and looked excitedly up at Haruka. ''Haru-chan, are you picking us up today?''
Haruka hummed in confirmation, which made Ren release him as well. ''Are we going to the hospital to visit Onii-chan?''
''Yeah, something came up at your mom's work,'' he explained, as Ren and Ran didn't know about this yet, judging from their reactions to his presence. ''So I'm taking you to see Makoto.''
''Yay!'' the twins excitedly exclaimed, throwing their arms up in cheer.
Even though the twins visited Makoto at least once a week, Haruka knew they missed their brother immensely. The Tachibana siblings had always been very close, and now their time together had been limited to an hour or two per week. Makoto had always been their big role model, the person they looked up to, and for now to see him in such weakness pained them as well. And even if they all wished to have more time together it just wasn't possible; Makoto couldn't handle all the noise, and you can't exactly expect two seven-year-olds to sit still and be quiet for extensive periods of time. So for now, these few hours were all they had, and they treasured them. Maybe in the foreseable future, if Makoto's condition got better, they could visit more often, but for now that wasn't realistic yet.
Ran and Ren waved their classmates goodbye and they started their journey towards the hospital. The twins excitedly told him about everything that had happened at school that day. Their stories were a bit incoherent, as they just said the first thing that came to mind, but Haruka listened to them either way.
Though Haruka wasn't too fond of children, he had a soft spot for Ren and Ran. Maybe it was because they were Makoto's siblings, maybe it was because he had literally known them for all of their lives; he didn't know. But even if he didn't know why, it was a well known fact that he loved them. Even if they could be too loud, obnoxious, and bothersome sometimes, he couldn't stay annoyed with them for too long. And though he was an only child, it had always felt like the twins were his siblings as well, even if only a little bit - it was odd though, as he didn't consider Makoto like that at all; the feelings he had for him couldn't possibly be described as 'brotherly love'.
Soon enough they arrived at the hospital, and Haruka had to remind the twins to keep their voices down. They walked down the path that had become all too familiar, taking the elevator up to the third floor. When they got to Makoto's room, Haruka put his finger against his lips, effectively silencing Ran and Ren, before he slowly pushed the door open.
They went inside, and when Haruka saw Makoto, he let out a sigh of relief. Makoto was sitting up straight in his bed, his black-framed reading glasses rested on the bridge of his nose, and he was engrossed in whatever game he was playing on his Nintendo DS. If Makoto felt well enough to do anything but lie miserably in his bed, then that meant that this was a good day, well, a better day. It was actually obvious that it was a better day; Mrs. Tachibana had been here this morning and if it was a bad day, then she wouldn't have asked him to bring the twins here.
''Onii-chan!'' Ran and Ren excitedly yelled as they all but ran towards their brother's bed.
''Shh!'' Makoto and Haruka both tried to hush the twins again. Even if Makoto was feeling slightly less bad, they were still in a hospital after all; in the rooms just next to this one, there are other children that are really sick, that are possibly dying right at this minute, so a bit of silence is generally appreciated.
The twins climbed on each side of the bed and sat down next to their brother's legs. Makoto turned off his DS and put it aside, before both of his arms reached out - his left easier than his right, that still had all kinds of tubes in it, leading to the various bags that hung on the pole next to his bed - to ruffle his siblings' hair.
''Ran, Ren, what are you doing here?'' Makoto asked when he withdrew his hands, a kind smile plastered on his face.
Ran started. ''Haru-chan-''
''He brought us here.'' Ren finished.
''Something came up at your mom's work,'' Haruka explained as he walked further into the room, plopping down on the chair closest to the bed.
Makoto smiled at him thankfully, before he was forced to turn his attention back to the twins, who were now animatedly telling him everything they had told Haruka on the way here. Haruka tuned out the noises that filled the empty hospital room as he watched over the Tachibana siblings, feeling a little more content than he had earlier today. The cheerful expressions on the twins' faces as they told their elder brother about their day full of enthusiasm were honestly too cute, but Haruka would argue that the gentle smile that lit up Makoto's face as he listened to their unintelligible stories was even more adorable.
Haruka allowed the reunited siblings to catch up - though most of the conversation consisted of either Ren or Ran rambling about something completely random - in private, and he rummaged through his bag, trying to find the homework and notes for today.
When the twins couldn't think of anything more they needed to discuss with their older brother, Makoto proposed that they all started their homework. That way, Haruka could explain everything Makoto had missed to him, and if the twins stumbled upon something they didn't understand, they could ask either of them. Normally, the twins would always protest when they had to do their homework, but now they both obediently got their assigned works out of their backpacks. Haruka realised it was probably because before Makoto fell ill, the three of them - or the four of them, if Haruka was there - used to do homework together all the time. However, since Makoto was admitted to the hospital, they were left all by themselves, with neither of the older boys to ask for help. Of course, if there was anything they didn't understand, they could always ask either of their parents for help, but Haruka could imagine that it just wasn't the same. They had always done their homework together with Haruka and Makoto, so for that habit being to be ripped from their lives must be hard for them, along with all the other changes.
They started as they had planned, however, Haruka noticed that Ran and Ren asked more questions than they usually would have. The frequency of their questions was just odd, and they stumbled upon problems Haruka almost knew for sure they already knew how to solve. He didn't say anything about it, though, as he understood that it was just them wanting to fall back into their old routine, even if it was for only a little while. Makoto explaining things to them was just another way of getting his attention, attention they had missed. Haruka thought Makoto noticed this as well, as he patiently explained everything, even if they had asked the same question less than five minutes ago.
After a while, the twins were done, and there was nothing more for them to ask. Makoto and Haruka weren't done yet, so the twins had to entertain themselves for a little while. Makoto lent them his DS and set them up with Mario Kart, telling them that they could each play one race before they had to switch, in order to prevent argument. Normally, a little fight wasn't uncommon between the twins, but now they were quietly playing the game, doing exactly as Makoto had ordered them to. Haruka guessed that they didn't want to ruin their precious time with their brother by meaningless quarrel.
When Haruka and Makoto finally finished up for today, the twins returned to Makoto's side. Haruka allowed them to have a little more time with him before they had to go back home. Haruka did want to get the twins home before it got dark, so they took their leave not long after.
Ran and Ren were disappointed that they had to leave, but they understood. Makoto thanked them all for coming to visit him, and the twins both gave him a hug. Haruka felt a little pang of jealousy when he saw the siblings embracing. He thought it was kind of stupid, as he shouldn't be jealous of two children hugging their older brother, but that wasn't why he felt like this. It wasn't that he didn't want the twins to hug Makoto, but rather that he wanted it as well. He wanted to hug Makoto goodbye, yet he knew he couldn't. So for now, he just had to accept it and return Makoto's smile, as there wasn't much more he could do.
They all promised to return soon, some verbally, others mentally. The twins waved until they were out of sight, and Haruka could catch a glimpse of the smile Makoto shot him before he walked out of the room as well. Perhaps Makoto noticed something off about him when he hugged the twins, and therefore he smiled the way that was reserved for Haruka. Whatever it was, it made him happy, and he smiled back at him.
They left the hospital and were heading towards the train station, the twins' hands firmly clasped between Haruka's, when Ran suddenly broke the silence.
''Hey, Haru-chan?''
Haruka peered down at the little girl. ''What?''
''You know, Onii-chan's birthday is coming up.''
She was right, Makoto would be turning sixteen within a few weeks. It's not that Haruka had forgotten about it, but it wasn't really the first thing on his mind right now. He doubted it was the first thing on anyone's mind, but then there were the twins, who of course, would always think about stuff like that first and foremost. So Haruka nodded, encouraging her to continue.
''And his room is really boring right now.''
''The one at the hospital,'' Ren filled in.
''Yeah. So Ren and I thought that we should brighten it up a little.''
They had arrived at the train station and hopped on the train that was supposed to bring them back home. They sat down on the empty seats.
''Okay,'' Haruka said, waiting for the twins to further explain their plans.
''So we wanted to make a lot of drawings for Onii-chan's birthday, and then we can hang them up in the room. Then it won't be so boring and dull anymore!''
''And you want me to help you out?''
''Will you? Haru-chan can draw really well! Will you help us, please?''
''Please?''
Haruka couldn't suppress a tiny smile at their pleading faces. ''Sure.''
''Yay!'' the twins cheered.
The rest of the way home the twins discussed everything they were going to draw for Makoto. When they arrived at the Tachibana residence, Mrs. Tachibana invited him over for dinner to thank him for picking up Ran and Ren.
It was weird, eating dinner with Makoto's family, but without Makoto there. He could imagine that it must be odd for Makoto's family as well, when there's suddenly a plate less on the table and you're missing the presence of your son or sibling. The hardest part of Makoto being at the hospital was missing him in their daily lives, after all. You really don't know what you have until you lose it, he supposed.
After dinner he went upstairs with the twins to start on their birthday present for Makoto. While the twins drew whatever they liked, Haruka thought it would be a good idea to draw the people Makoto loved. That way, he would be less lonely if he was surrounded by familiar faces, as they couldn't be at his side all the time. He decided to start with Ren, as he was sitting right before him.
''Hey, Haru-chan?'' Ran asked after a while.
''What?''
''Which one do you think looks better?'' She questioned as she held up both her and her brother's drawings. The expecting look on both of the children's faces humored Haruka a little.
''Hmm...'' he hummed, pretending to be in deep thought as he scanned both of the papers that were presented to him. He tapped his index finger against his chin, as if to emphasize the fact that he had to think about it. ''Mine.''
''HARU-CHAN!'' they both exclaimed in response to Haruka's teasing. The boy in question couldn't suppress a slight chuckle at the children's disappointment. Had they really expected him to pick one drawing over the other?
''They both look equally good. I'm sure Makoto will love them both.''
Luckily, they were satisfied with that answer, and they both continued drawing.
''Is that me?'' Ren suddenly asked as he looked at Haruka's drawing.
''Yeah,'' Haruka murmured. ''I'm going to draw you, too,'' he told Ran, not wanting her to become jealous over something like this.
''Woah! That looks so pretty, Haru-chan!'' Ran said as she looked at the drawing with wide eyes.
''Thanks.''
When the twins kept on looking as he ran his pencil over the paper, Haruka spoke. ''If you just keep looking at how I draw, you're not going to finish your own drawings in time.''
Those words were enough for the twins to snap out of it and they continued their own drawings.
Soon enough, another thing was added to Haruka's routine. Now, he would go over to the Tachibanas to play with Ran and Ren a few days per week. Most of the time, they would work on their gift for Makoto, but occassionally he would play video games with them or help them with their homework, as they normally would have done that with Makoto there as well.
Haruka figured that the twins were having a shortage of attention, as Makoto would frequently play with them or just plainly keep them company before he fell ill. More often than not, Haruka would be there as well, and now they were just by themselves. He actually thought it was kind of dumb of himself, as he had only worried about Makoto and himself, and not about the twins. So now, when he came home from the hospital, he would go to play with the twins, as he usually would've if Makoto had been there. He knew he couldn't replace their brother, and he wasn't trying to, but he just wanted them to have a little bit of comfort, to let them know that he was still there for them. And, he had to admit that he was less lonely as well, when he spent his evenings with the twins rather than by himself in his bathtub, waiting for the water to turn cold, after which he'd lie awake, tossing and turning in his bed, waiting for sleep to finally relieve him from all of his thoughts.
When he opened his eyes, he was in a place he didn't recognise. He blinked a few times before looking around himself. Someone walked past him, and his own legs automatically followed behind the stranger. He ended up in a large room that was filled with a variety of people, all dressed in black. Only then did he notice that he, too, was wearing in a black suit. This only added to his confusion. Where was he, how did he get here, and why was he here?
The ambiance of the room was eerie, a certain sadness filled up the entire area, yet he didn't know why. He felt a throbbing, painful sensation in his chest, paired with an empty, hollow feeling in his stomach, but his mind couldn't comprehend the reason behind it.
He scanned the people around him. He vaguely recognised some of them, but he couldn't remember who they were or where he had seen them. Something that he found remarkable, was the fact that there were people of all kinds of ages here; teenagers as well as eldery people, adults, and children. The thing they had in common, despite their differences, were the expressions painting their faces. Though some were worse than others, they all shared the look of grief.
Then, he finally saw a familiar face. Near one of the walls, he saw Tamura-san, an elderly lady who lived just a flight of stairs below Haruka's house. She used to watch over Makoto and him when they were kids, and occasionally invite them inside for freshly baked cookies. Nowadays, stuff like that didn't happen anymore, but she still greeted him every time she saw him.
Haruka decided to head over to her, as perhaps she knew what was going on. He made his way through the crowd, and the people who he passed turned their heads, all shooting him a look of sympathy, but Haruka paid them no mind. When he got closer, he saw that Tamura-san, was talking to a tall, broad man. For a second, he thought it was Makoto, but then he realised that it was in fact Mr. Tachibana. The elderly lady was dabbing at her red-rimmed eyes with a handkerchief, and she looked up when she heard him approach.
''Oh, Haruka-chan,'' she said, her voice laced with pity. ''I'm so sorry for your loss.''
He glanced over at Mr. Tachibana, who looked like he was trying very hard to keep it all together.
And that's when he noticed it. At the end of the room, stood a large, white coffin.
It all made sense to him then. This was his grandmother's funeral. Everyone was looking at him with such pity, because his grandmother had passed away. The familiar yet unfamiliar faces had been friends and acquaintances of his grandmother, he had probably seen most of them as a child, and therefore he didn't remember them properly enough for immediate recognition.
He walked over to the coffin, spotting Mrs. Tachibana, Ran, and Ren closer to it. The twins were sitting on the chairs that stood a little off the coffin, looking lifelessly ahead of themselves, but Mrs. Tachibana was standing closer to it, her hand trying to hold back the sobs that wrecked through her slender frame.
When she saw him, she instantly captured him in a hug, and she buried her face in Haruka's shoulder. Haruka returned her embrace, her body shaking with tears. He understood why she was upset; she had been very close to his grandmother after all. Ever since Makoto was born, they saw each other almost every single day, with the frequent play dates he and Haruka had. She also knew just how important his grandmother had been to him, so he was guessing that this hug was for his comfort, just as much as it was for Mrs. Tachibana's.
She released him after a little while, and she wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. It was useless, though, because new drops formed and glided down her face faster than she could wipe them away, so she gave up after a few tries.
''I'm sorry, Haru-kun,'' she sniffed, ''this must be so hard on you a-and here a-am I-'' She didn't finish her sentence, or rather, she wasn't able to, crying too hard to say anything coherent.
''It's okay,'' Haruka replied. He wanted to say more to comfort her, but he had never been good with words. Makoto was always the one who spoke, not only for himself, but for Haruka as well. He never needed words when talking to Makoto, and therefore verbally expressing himself was a skill he hadn't developed very well.
Speaking of Makoto, where was he? Makoto was always at his side, ready to comfort him the way only he could. He looked around himself, searching for his best friend among the crowd, but he couldn't find him. Makoto should know that in a situation like this, Haruka needed him more than anything, and therefore he was always here. Always. So where was he now?
Haruka sighed. Maybe he would come later. He did want to believe Makoto would abandon him at a moment like this, so he kept faith in him.
While he was waiting for Makoto to show up, he decided to take one last look at his grandmother's face. The coffin was still open, so that meant that it wasn't too late for him to catch a last glimpse of her body, say goodbye to her before she disappeared within the Nanase family grave forever. He walked over to the coffin, and his heart stopped.
Inside the coffin didn't lie the body of his late grandmother.
Inside the coffin laid the body of Makoto, clad in white robes.
Haruka's eyes widened, his breath hitched in his throat, and he slapped a quivering hand in front of his lips, that was the only thing preventing him from screaming.
''Makoto,'' he whispered, as he tentatively reached out his trembling right hand, the one that wasn't covering his mouth, to touch Makoto's face. The pale skin underneath his fingertips was as cold as ice, and Haruka's vision blurred.
''Makoto,'' he repeated, a little louder this time. His hand cupped Makoto's cheek, the contact making Haruka feel like he was freezing all over. His other hand joined the other on Makoto's face, now cradling Makoto's head in his hands, as he kept repeating Makoto's name like it was some sort of mantra, as if that would keep everything from falling apart, even when he knew it already had.
A drop fell on Makoto's cheek, sliding down his stiff skin. Then another one fell. And another one. Haruka hadn't even realised he had started to cry until he saw his tears running down his best friend's lifeless face. He swept his thumbs over the trails his tears made, his hot tears making the contrast of Makoto's coldness larger.
He traced his fingers over Makoto's closed eyelids, that hid the green eyes that once shone brighter than the sun, but would never shine again. He grazed his digits over Makoto's nose, that once snorted with joyous laughter, but would never take another breath. He brushed his fingertips over Makoto's lips, lips he had never felt against his own, and he would never have the opportunity to anymore. Lips that would never smile again.
Makoto couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. Even with Makoto's dead body right in front of him, Haruka didn't want to believe it. Makoto's features were calm, as if there was not a single worry in the world. He almost looked like he was asleep, but the fact that his mouth was tightly shut, his chest was still, and his skin was frozen betrayed this.
At this point, he had started to sob loudly, still choking out Makoto's name with every rushed breath he took. He still caressed Makoto's cheeks with his fingers, trying to warm the skin as if that would make him magically come back to life again.
Then, he felt a hand touching his shoulder, gently trying to coax him away from the coffin. Haruka shook it off, refusing to leave Makoto's side.
''M-Makoto!'' he cried, ''Makoto!''
The hand he had previously shaken off was back, joined by an extra pair, now forcefully pulling him away. He couldn't break free from their grasps as easily as he had before, their combined strength was too much for him. His hands slid down Makoto's face, gripping the robes around his neck tightly.
''Let go!'' he yelled as tried to escape the hands that were grabbing him. He desperately tried to hold onto the corpse of his beloved, hot tears streaming down his face as he tried to shake his body out of the unknown grasps. ''Makoto!''
His fingers were tangled in the white robes, but it was useless. No matter how tightly he clung to Makoto's body, the hands overpowered him and successfully made him lose his grip on Makoto.
''No... MAKOTO!''
They were dragging him away now, and Haruka struggled to get out of their hold, but it was pointless. ''MAKOTO!'' he screamed, as he got further and further away from the coffin.
''MAKOTO!''
Haruka shot up in his bed, panting harshly. His eyes burned with tears, that were rapidly running down his cheeks, his lungs aching as he fought for his breath, but it only caused him to hyperventilate even more. His fringe was plastered against his forehead because he was sweating so much, and he lifted his trembling hand to brush through his black locks.
It was just a dream. It had all been a dream. It was just a nightmare. No matter how terrifying it had been, it wasn't real, even if it had felt frighteningly so.
Makoto was still alive. He may be sick, but he was still alive, safe within the walls of the hospital.
He looked at his quivering hands. He could still feel the icy sensation on his fingers and palms where he had touched Makoto's corpse in his dream.
It wasn't real. He knew it wasn't, but this was by far the most realistic dream he had ever had. This was literally his worst nightmare being played before his eyes, and he just had to keep reminding himself. He needed the assurance that it had been a dream, he needed it in order to keep himself together, but it was useless. His attempt to keep everything together was futile, and he completely lost himself.
He wanted to see Makoto. He needed to see him. But he couldn't. He wanted Makoto to wrap his arms around him, hold him and whisper soft reassurances in his ear. He wanted to bury his face in Makoto's chest as Makoto told him that everything was alright. But it wasn't going to happen.
So instead, he wrapped his arms around his legs, curled up in himself, buried his face in his knees and he broke down, sobs wrecking through his being as the memories of seeing Makoto's lifeless body in a coffin flashed through his mind.
