A/N: This chapter was really hard for me to write. Only because I had to stop several times to compose myself before continuing. This is the first time ever where I was crying while I was writing a chapter. So warning...MAJOR angst in this one. I hope you guys like it. I don't think I'll be updating anytime soon. I need to take some time to figure out which direction I'm going to take this story since I'm nearing the end. Especially since I have a sequel still planned (if you guys still want it). I hope to update again in less than a month, but I make no promises. I want to do this right and finish this story in a way that will make both you guys and myself happy. Thank you for understanding. Take care and please review. Love, Ellivia22

Disclaimer: If I owned Teen Titans, I would've done Terra's backstory more like in the movie Judas Contract. As much as I don't like Terra, I feel like the cartoon didn't do a good job explaining her past or making her a more sympathetic character. But maybe that's just me.

I'll Be

Part XII

Starfire

I stare dejectedly at the double doors of the waiting room as they close again. I am elated that Beast Boy is still alive, but am very upset that I am unable to see him. I understand that Raven should be with him. I just wish that she would forget her anger just enough to let me visit the changeling for a moment.

"So you decided to show up after all," Cyborg comments to Robin, diverting me from my thoughts.

Robin lowers his head. "Yeah. It took me a long time, but I finally realized how wrong I've been. I owe Beast Boy the biggest apology of all. I just hope that I'll get the chance to do so."

With nothing else to do Cyborg settles back on the three chairs he was sleeping on. I turn away from Robin. I am about to go converse with Leah, the girl behind the desk in the room, when I feel a hand grab my own.

"Star, can we please talk?" Robin pleads.

I hesitate. Normally I love having the talk with Robin about anything and everything. Now after everything that has happened, I am unsure if I want to or not. I am still very angry. However, as usual, I cannot say no to Robin. Silently I allow Robin to pull me to the other side of the waiting room.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry."

I fold my arms across my chest. "I am not the one you should be apologizing to."

"I know. I know," Robin says, sighing. "I've been wrong about so many things. Wrong about Beast Boy; wrong about the way I've been treating him. I have been a terrible team leader and a horrible friend. Honestly, I don't know why I judged Beast Boy so harshly. All I know is that I own him a major apology. In the meantime, do you think you can forgive me."

I keep my arms folded and continue glaring at Robin. "Not until Beast Boy does."

"After all I've done to him, I don't deserve to be forgiven. Our friend's life is hanging by a thread, Star, and we need to support him together as a team."

I cannot stop staring at him. Even though I cannot see his eyes, I can see the sincerity on his face. "Did you say "friend?"

"Yes. I many not have been a very good friend to him, but I still consider him my friend. I always will."

Human boys are always so hard to figure out. Is he truly sorry for all that he has done? Or is he just saying what I want to hear? I want more than anything to forgive Robin and bring everything back to the way it used to be, but I am not naive. Even if Beast Boy survives this ordeal, nothing will ever be back to the way it used to be. Too much damage has been done.

"I fear you are too late, Robin. If Beast Boy does not survive, the team will forever be damaged. I will not have any reason to stay on Earth."

Robin swallows hard. I see a tear trickle from his mask and down his cheek. "N-not even for me?"

I feel my heart twist. I do not like it when anyone is upset-especially Robin. I force myself to stay strong. "Robin, I would love to stay here on Earth with you. But now that I have seen how cold your heart is, I realize that there is no future for us. I cannot be with someone so hateful. I am sorry."

Before I have the chance to change my mind, I fly to the other side of the room to sit beside Cyborg once more. My heart is breaking into pieces as all my hopes and dreams disappear.


The rest of the night feels like forever. After almost losing Beast Boy and my conversation with Robin, I find it impossible to sleep. Not even counting portkins helped. Oh I hope we hear some positive news soon. The longer I wait, the more worried I feel.

It is nearly twelve the next afternoon when the double doors swing open again and Raven enters at last. Without looking at each other, Cyborg and I rise to our feet. Robin, who has been sitting in a chair by the door on the other side of the room since our talk hurries over to us. Raven looks much better. Her hood is down and I can see pink in her cheeks. She still looks really worried, but much happier.

Cyborg speaks first. "How is he?"

Raven looks at us. Her face is back to its usual blank stare. "Beast Boy is awake," she says in her usual monotone.

"Oh thank God," Cyborg responds in relief.

I feel instant relief just from hearing those words. My heart swells with joy and hope. Beast Boy is alive! I have the chance to make up for everything I have done to him. "That is wonderful news! Now I shall go tell him how sorry I am!"

I do not make it two steps when I feel Raven grasp my arm. "He doesn't want to see any of you."

Cyborg takes a step closer to Raven. "We understand that we hurt him. We want to apologize to him and make everything right."

It is apparent that Cyborg said the wrong thing. "Understand?!" Raven's eyes glow white. Her hood comes up and she immediately rises in the air. "You understand nothing! AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS!"

A black portal suddenly starts swirling below our feet. Immediately I feel myself falling through. I attempt to fly my way out before I get pulled in, but a black claw-like hand grabs my waist and forces me down. I let out a scream of terror as I continue to fall, having no idea where I am going. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see the ground when I finally meet it.


When I open my eyes I find myself back in the tower. That is strange. Why would Raven send me back here? Unsteadily I rise to my feet. Not only am I back at the tower, I am standing in front of the door labeled "Beast Boy". Why am I here?

Suddenly the door opens and I find myself face to face with Beast Boy. He does not look to be in the terrible condition that he was in when I saw him last. He isn't bloody or bruised. Seeing him in much better condition raises my spirits.

"Beast Boy, you are well!" I cry joyfully, flinging my arms around him in a tight hug. Huh? That is strange. Not only does Beast Boy not notice my presence, my arms pass right through him. Why would that happen? Is he actually dead and a ghost? Where did Raven send me?

Beast Boy walks right through me. Perhaps I am the ghost. With nothing else to do I follow Beast Boy down the long hallway. I feel strong emotions surround me and envelop me like a cloud. Emotions of loneliness, sadness, and a small ounce of hope.

I follow Beast Boy past the common room and toward the kitchen. A perfect replica of myself is standing behind the counter, mixing a red and pink colored meal. The pudding of doubt. As I continue to stare at myself and my uninjured friend beside me I realize where Raven has sent me. She sent me to the past. But when? I do not recall...

"Hey Star," Beast Boy says from beside me. His tone of voice is not normal for him. Instead it is emotionless, his green face blank. He almost looks and sounds exactly like Raven. I stare at him in shock. I have never seen him like this before. I can also sense a deep emotional pain that he's trying to hold back. I have to restrain myself from reaching over and comforting him.

"What is it, my friend?" my replica says, looking up from her pudding. Hearing the fake sweetness in her voice makes me visibly cringe. This could not be real. I would never sound so fake, especially to one of my friends. I continue to listen, my eyes unable to look away from the scene in front of me.

"I have a joke for you," Beast Boy says in that same emotionless tone. He hesitates for a second as he builds up his courage. It hurts me seeing him so uncertain. The look on his green face shows no humor. Instead all I see is desperation and fear. "I-if your mother is from Iceland and your father is from Cuba, then what are you?"

"What?"

"An ice cube!" Beast Boy finishes, forcing himself to laugh.

I laugh, unheard by the others. I remember now. I found the joke quite amusing actually, even if I did not understand it. All of a sudden I feel like I have been hit hard in one of my stomachs. My replica lets out a laugh. A laugh that is obviously forced. The look on her face is so fake I do not even recognize that person. "Good one!" she says in that same fake voice.

I feel terrible on the inside from the strong guilt that is starting to build up. I also feel as though all my hopes and dreams are all gone. I know that is how Beast Boy is feeling in this memory.

The green changeling turns his back on my replica. His head lowers and he begins walking back into the hall. I walk beside him, unable to stop looking at his watery green eyes. His shoulders are hunched. He looks so defeated. A tear falls down my cheek, knowing that I am the one who did this to him. By acting so fake and unfriendly, I made him feel as though he hast lost another friend.

"Don't know why I even bother trying," he mutters to himself. "I should give up. Not even Starfire wants me around anymore."

"No!" I cry out, attempting to grab his shoulder. Once again my hand passes through. "That is not true! You are my friend!"

After a few short minutes we end up back in his room. I stand by the door, not wanting to enter the privacy of his room. I am unable to take my eyes off him. Beast Boy slowly sits on the bottom bunk of his bed, pulling something out from under his pillow. Being so far away I am unsure of what it is. I feel an invisible force push me forward. When I get close enough I see that he is clutching a small blade.

I suddenly hear my voice ring in the room. Less of use. I look around, but my replica is not in sight. I know that I am hearing his thoughts. But why would he think that I would say such a thing?

A tear falls down his green face, followed by another. Silently he rolls up one of his sleeves, dragging the blade across his forearm. The cut is so deep dark red blood stars flowing instantly from the wound.

I let out a sharp breath, tears of my own falling freely from my eyes. I hurt so much, not just inside, but my arm throbs as if he had cut me too. It is the worst physical pain I have ever felt. I shut my eyes, not wanting to see the blood running down his arm. I had no idea that my coldness had hurt him this much. The guilt is weighing me down so heavily I am not sure how much more I can handle.

"Please!" I beg out loud to anyone who will listen. "Get me out of here. I do not wish to see any more."

Another black portal appears at my feet and I feel myself fall through. I shut my eyes, hoping that when I open them again I will be back in the present.

Cyborg

I feel as though I've been falling for ages. The drop is even worse than when BB and I accidentally went into Raven's mind. The only thought that is on my mind to keep me from completely freaking out is wondering where Raven is sending me.

Finally I land on my back hard. I groan. The world is spinning around me. I shake my head to get my vision into focus. When it finally does I realize that I'm in the living room of Titan's Tower-right in front of the couch.

"Why didn't you let me land on the couch, Raven," I grumble to myself.

I unsteadily get to my feet. Okay I know where I am. Next question: when am I? Have I been transported backwards or forwards? Or did Raven just send me back to the tower? When I glance at the sensor on my arm it reads the 6th of November-five days in the past. Why did Raven send me here?

All of a sudden I hear what sounds like the garbage disposal running in the kitchen. My blood runs cold seeing a perfect replica of myself by the sink. Oh no. Raven didn't send me here. Not to the memory that I regret the most. I shut my eyes and try to walk away. I don't want to see this. An invisible force pulls me closer to the kitchen.

"Dude, what in the hell are you doing," a familiar voice shrieks. A voice I know so well.

My eyes are forced open. All I can do is stare at Beast Boy's devastated expression. His green face is unnaturally pale and I can see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. My throat tightens when I start to feel his pain, so sharp it's like a dagger to the heart. I can sense how betrayed he is feeling at this very moment.

My replica turns around to face Beast Boy. The guilt I'm feeling is powerful seeing the hate on his face. That is so not me. Why did I act this way? Why did I do this to my own best friend? What was I thinking?

"I'm getting rid of your tofu," my replica says coldly, glaring hatefully at our shrinking teammate. "There's no room to store my meat. I've told you over and over again this is a tofu-free zone. If you want tofu go somewhere else!"

I watch Beast Boy's head drop, tears falling freely down his face. I feel tears of my own falling. I can feel his emotions stronger than ever. It's like I took away the only thing that mattered to him-which I did.

After a long, agonizing moment, Beast Boy lifted his head to look at my replica. "P-point taken, Cy," he chokes out. His tone is barely above a whisper. "I-I'll get out of your way. I j-just wanted to say goodbye."

His words of finality hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know what he meant at the time, nor did I care. Now I know it's because he was planning to end his own life.

"I-I'm so sorry, Beast Boy," I choke out, not caring if he can't hear me. "I-I didn't mean it. You are my best friend and I love you! Please forgive me!"

Beast Boy's ears drop as he lowers his head again. Slowly he leaves the kitchen. I follow close behind, the tears continuing to fall down my face. Beast Boy's emotions get worse with each stop he takes. He's heartbroken and strongly longing for Death. All because of me. I did this to him. I'll never forgive myself for hurting the person I consider my brother.

With an anguished sigh Beast Boy slumps in front of his desk. Shakily he picks up a pen and begins to write. I look over his shoulder. He's writing a letter-a letter to me.

Dear Cyborg,

My life will be ending soon. This will be the last time you will hear from me. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry that I gave you that virus. I was being stupid and didn't realize that I was putting your life in danger. If I could go back and prevent my stupid mistake I would do so in a heartbeat. You are my best friend in the whole world and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt you.

Cy, I am so, so sorry for the way I acted before and after I took the antidote. I'm sorry that I physically hurt you after losing to a video game. I'm sorry that I called you a sick bastard. I didn't mean it. I've always respected the fact that you like to eat meat. I wish I had showed that more. Finally, I am so sorry for attacking you and the others when I was under control of the Beast. I was not in my right mind. I didn't mean any of it.

It's time for me to go, but before I do, I want to explain to you why I chose to be a vegetarian. I've been around animals my whole life. My parents raised me with them before they died. Being around animals always gave me a sense of comfort. They are like my family. When I gained my powers, animals became a part of me. Just the thought of eating meat makes me physically sick, because it would feel like I'm killing my own family. I hope you understand.

Thanks for playing video games with me and for being my best friend. I'll miss you.

BB

I completely lose it. I fall to my knees, burying my head in my hands. I struggle to hold the sobs back. BB's final words have cut me deep on the inside. He had never told me anything about his past. Now that I know a little more about his childhood, the reason BB became a vegetarian makes total sense. I wish I truly took the time to get to know my best friend. Especially since he was the first person who didn't judge me because of how I look. And how do I repay him? By judging him and treating him cruelly.

I hear Beast Boy leave his chair. My hands leave my face. I watch Beast Boy walk over to his bed where a small gun is on the pillow. The gun is silver with a black handle. I recognize it as one of the weapons we had in the evidence room.

The feeling of wanting to die is overwhelming. I know that's what he's feeling right now. I start shaking. Beast Boy aims the gun to his head, closing his eyes. "Best if I end it now," he whispers to himself, tears falling even faster down his face. The hand that is clutching the gun is shaking violently. "No point of causing the others more trouble; no point sticking around when I'm just going to be in the way."

"BB stop!" I cry in panic, rising to my feet. "I-I was wrong. We were all wrong! Please don't do this!"

Beast Boy's eyes open. At first I think he heard me, but then I notice that he's looking past me. An image of Raven's face flashes in my mind. Tears are in her eyes. I look around. She's not here. He must be thinking about her right now.

He drops the gun and collapses on the lower bunk of his bed. "Not now," he whispers. "I still have to say goodbye to Raven."

A small amount of relief washes over me. I don't have to watch him almost take his own life. However, that small relief does nothing to rid the great amounts of guilt and pain that I'm feeling right now. BB is my best friend and my actions hurt him worse than I thought. I don't deserve his forgiveness, but I am determined to show him how truly sorry I am. I have to make this up to him. Somehow.

Another black portal appears beneath my feet. I am unsure of where Raven is sending me next. All I know is that I'm a changed Titan.

Robin

Why of all places did Raven send me here? I wonder in confusion. I wasn't sure where she was going to send me, but I wasn't expecting the destination to be the training room back at the tower. I wasn't alone. Standing in front of me is a perfect replica of myself doing the usual stretch and workout routines that I do every morning. Am I in the past? It seems to be the only logical explanation.

"Robin?" a timid voice says from behind me.

I turn around to find myself face to face with Beast Boy. He looks very small. Being so close I can see the heavy bags under his red rimmed eyes and a defeated expression on his pale green face. A small glint of hope is in the green of his eyes.

"What?!" I wince hearing the coldness in my replica's voice. I didn't have to turn around to see the hatred on his face. I remember this scene very well. I don't want to see any more, but I can't look away from the terrified look on Beast Boy's face.

"I...I was wondering if I could train with the team today," Beast Boy says so quietly I can barely hear him, even though I'm standing right in front of him.

"No!" I bite my lip, remembering my harsh words. "I can't risk you disrupting a training session. The last thing we need is another failed mission!"

I literally feel something break inside me. That bit of hope Beast Boy has is gone in an instant. I can feel his devastation so strongly as if it is my own emotions. "Please!" His voice cracks painfully. "I-I'll do whatever you say. Just let me train!"

"Sorry," my replica says in that same cold voice. "But I only train worthy people." The alarm goes off., flashing red in the room. "Stay here."

Beast Boy lets out despairing sigh and slides to the ground. He shuts his eyes tightly. I can't stand seeing him like this, but find that I can't look away. I knew that I was being cruel, but not until now did I feel the effects of my words, my actions. Even if Beast Boy does eventually forgive me for everything I've done to him, I know that I'll never forgive myself.

"You've made your point, Raven," I say more to myself than her. It takes a lot of effort to get the words out. My throat is so tight in an attempt to keep myself from completely breaking down. "Now send me home."

Raven's monotone voice echos all around me. "I'm not through with you yet."

Another portal opens and I feel myself falling through. I shut my eyes, wondering where Raven is sending me next.


When I hit the ground again I find myself in the middle of the street in Jump City. It's early in the morning and the sky is dark. Right in front of me is the entire team in the middle of a battle with Slade and his henchmen. We've battled this villain so many times I'm unsure which memory Raven sent to me this time.

Beast Boy is in front of me, fighting off henchmen in the form of a massive green grizzly bear. He roars ferociously, knocking the henchmen easily with his paw. For once I don't feel any negative emotions from him. Instead I feel confident and extremely hopeful.

My attention turns away from Beast Boy for a split second when I hear Raven's pained scream. I notice that she's clutching onto her arm. Beast Boy stops fighting to stare at Raven.

"Beast Boy NOW!" I hear my replica shout over the chaos. Slade is laying on the ground after being hit by Cyborg's cannon.

Beast Boy doesn't get a chance to respond. I watch in horror as one of Slade's henchmen plunges a sharp blade into the green bear's side. Beast Boy lets out a howl of pain, hurting my ears. My side starts to throb as if I had been stabbed too, followed by deep shame. Feeling Beast Boy's emotions makes the guilt more than I can bear. Knowing now how Beast Boy got injured and why he was unable to stop Slade makes me regret every single insult I threw at him.

I start to shake. I can't watch this. I just can't. It will destroy me. But no matter how hard I try I just can't look away. I am forced to watch Cyborg, Starfire, and I advance on a very injured Beast Boy like a pack of ravenous wolves.

"What the hell did you do that for, man!" a perfect replica of Cyborg says. "How could you be so stupid?! You ruined the whole mission!"

Beast Boy lowers his head, clutching tighter to his side, which is bleeding rather quickly. I can't help but wonder how didn't manage to die right there from such an injury. That doesn't matter. His level of shame increases rapidly with each passing moment, in addition to the sharp physical and emotional pain.

"You did not follow the plan," Starfire says in disgust. "You are less of use!"

"No, please don't make me watch this," I beg to anyone who will listen. "I truly understand what I did and I'm so sorry! Please don't torture me like this!" Nobody responds to my pleas, nor did I expect them to. I know that my next words are what broke Beast Boy and I deserve to be reminded of how cruel I've become.

"It's your entire fault, Beast Boy! If you had followed orders we would've caught Slade at last! I gave you this task to prove your worth to the team. Now I see how worthless you really are!" Once again I feel something break inside Beast Boy. This time it's even worse than the last memory I saw. Tears silently start rolling down his pale green face, twisting my insides. "I should just kick you off the team. But since you are so pathetic and can't follow simple instructions I've decided to let you stay. Only because I feel sorry for you. If you disobey me again, you are gone!"

Beast Boy lets out a sob, followed by another. His dark emotions are so powerful I'm starting to feel physically sick. Everything comes to a screeching halt when one word rings out in the empty street.

Suicide.

A high pitched wail makes me jump out of my skin. This time it didn't come from Beast Boy. It sounded like...I turn around.

Starfire is on the ground, sobbing hysterically in her hands. Cyborg is beside her, almost in the exact same position, except he's on his knees. This isn't part of the memory. They are really here with me. It takes me a couple of minutes, but I finally manage the strength to join my friends. I slide to the ground, pulling Starfire into my arms. She's solid-she's really here. I half expect her to push me away, but she doesn't. Instead she clutches onto me so tight that my chest starts to hurt. I shut my eyes and let my emotions out. I don't care about Slade or Jump City, or being the best hero ever. All I can think about is all the damage I've done and how it's way too late to fix everything.

When I open my eyes again I find myself back in the Jump City hospital. Starfire is still tightly in my arms. I never want to let go. She's the only comfort I have.

Raven is standing in front of us, back on the ground. Her hood is down and I can see tears of her own in her violet eyes. "Now you understand why he doesn't want to see you."

I don't pay attention to Raven leaving the room. Instead the only thing I can think about is what Raven had just shown me.

To be continued...