As the star-bejeweled sky grew lighter with the coming dawn, not all was at peace in Nancy's mind. She tossed restlessly and whimpered softly as horrors played out in her dream, unable to wake from her fears. Just as the dream reached its most frightening moment, Nancy jolted awake. She sat up, gasping for air, and looked around frantically for her attacker. But there was no one there. Instead, she found the dim glow of the strange green candles and the soft flicker of the sheer curtains in the moonlight. She was safe in Loki's room. In their room.
Loki felt a swift motion beside him and instantly woke. He forced his muscles to remain lax, forced himself to think through what it might have been beside an attack. Slowly, he remembered his lovely mortal. Loki's brow knit even as his eyes remained closed. Another nightmare perhaps? He had thought they'd moved past them, but... it was possible. He remained still and calm, determined not to frighten her beyond her already frantic state.
Nancy took a few deep breaths to calm her breathing, trying to regain her composure. Once her breathing was back under control, she turned and looked at Loki, making sure he was still asleep. His eyes were still closed and his breathing was still even. Good. She hadn't woken him with all her noise and tossing. With a sigh of relief, Nancy ran a hand through her hair and whispered, "It was only a dream."
Still… it could have been real, had circumstances changed. She glanced down to Loki again and stared at him for a long moment, watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful… so innocent. Hardly the tyrant he once was. He'd changed so much since she'd first met him. He was no longer the man who'd tried to conquer the world and was realms away from the monster who'd tortured her for months. Now, his words were soft and loving, his touch inviting. He was her lover and she his beloved. But… even with their new relationship and open feelings for one another… what would it take to turn him back into a monster? What would push him just one inch too far? What if she messed up or upset him again? Would he beat her? Send her away? Or worse?
With a slight shake of her head to clear the bitter thoughts, Nancy stood and moved to sit on the steps to the balcony. Perhaps the fresh air would help to clear her mind.
It was so beautiful outside. So serene. Purples blended with deep blues, all speckled with stars and distant planets. She'd never had a view like this on Earth. Never felt such peace and happiness, despite everything that had happened to her.
Loki feared the worst once she moved away from him. Had he done something to upset her? Would she even now attempt to run from him, knowing there was not a place in the nine realms she could hide from his affection? He pushed up onto one elbow and studied her soft form, her stiff back. "What did you dream?"
Nancy jolted again when she heard Loki speak, surprised by his sudden voice in the silence. She placed a hand to her chest, willing her heart to slow its frantic beat, and glanced over at him. "I'm sorry." she whispered, avoiding his gaze, "I didn't mean to wake you. It was nothing. Really."
"Please tell me." Loki used one hand to sweep his hair from his face back over the top of his head. She looked so vulnerable, and he was in no position to boast in his station anyway. He wanted only for her to see him as he was, a man fiercely in love with a woman he once thought he couldn't stand.
"It was just a nightmare." Nancy sighed, bringing her knees to her chest, "Too many bad memories all jumbled together." She couldn't tell him the truth. It would crush him, and he'd hate her for it. "But it's over now. So there's nothing to worry about."
It was not over, and it most definitely worried him. Loki sighed softly and stood from the bed. His feet barely made a sound against the cold stone floor as he crossed it. His body didn't utter a single noise as he settled across from her on the step. "I said please. I never ask so nicely unless I truly wish to know."
Nancy glanced down. She had to tell him. There was no way around it. She could lie and make up a different nightmare… but he could always see through her stories. She had no choice. She had to tell him. "I was in the cell again." she explained quietly, "That guard was attacking me. Muzzling me… beating me. But when I turned to see him, it wasn't the guard." Nancy paused and swallowed, her mouth dry. "It was you."
No. No, no, no. No! His brain screamed and scrambled to come up with some other explanation, but Loki knew it would not. She must hate him for leaving her there, must fear that he would become as angry as the lecherous guard and do something about it. Though his heart shattered in three, Loki lifted his chin and tried to keep his wits about him. His voice, when he spoke, was naught but a whisper. "Oh, love. I am so very sorry."
Nancy curled tighter into herself and refused to look at him. How could she meet his gaze after telling him something like that? And to be able to feel everything he felt… she could feel every ounce of his pain and sorrow. "I know you'd never hurt me, Loki." Nancy finally whispered, trying to bring some semblance of light to this dark, distressing moment. "It was just a dream. A terrible dream. Nothing more."
There was nothing to be done for it. The damage he caused would come back to haunt him often, he presumed, and he could do nothing. Except... Loki looked to his beloved and allowed a timid smile to tilt his lips. He extended his arms for her, hoping beyond hope that she would take the offered comfort. That she would come to him of her own accord, just this once.
Nancy blinked at him for a moment, slightly confused by his actions. He hadn't rejected her. He didn't hate her, or want to send her away. Instead, he sought to comfort her. To soothe her wounds. And, Nancy finally admitted to herself, she needed one of his hugs, now more than ever.
In one swift movement, Nancy stood and crawled into Loki's lap, cuddling down into his chest and the softness of his tunic. She savored his love and kindness. The warmth of his arms around her.
Thank the gods... Loki wrapped his long arms around her and stroked a hand over her back. She did not hate him in this moment, nor did she wish for another man's arms and kindness. He would do anything to reassure her that he would not hurt her like that. He had done much in his time, many things to be ashamed of, but never would he treat his pet with such disrespect.
A long silence lapsed. A stillness where no words were necessary. There was only peace and closeness and love. Comfort and warmth and trust. How could she ever fear him? He wasn't his old self any longer. He wasn't a monster… but rather her best friend.
"All those days you tormented me," Nancy finally whispered against the side of Loki's neck, "Did you ever enjoy them? Tell me the truth."
"At the beginning. But the longer you suffered... the more I despised myself for it." Loki winced at his own words. She had told him to speak honestly, but he loathed the bitter taste of the confession.
"And now?" Nancy sat back and gazed into his eyes in the dim light. His love was so bright now. It radiated throughout his entire soul, overwhelming the darkness and keeping it at bay. "Are you glad you did it?"
"I war with that question every day."
"You said you went through it, too. Who hurt you? When? Why?"
"I cannot speak his name. It was long ago, before the Chitauri invasion." But he owed her some sort of explanation, so he took a breath and continued. "He thought it would make me more powerful, the inability to feel."
"It doesn't. It just makes you... empty." Nancy shrugged and snuggled down into his chest again, thinking of their shared experience. "Like some bright part of you has died and left a cold hole in its place."
"Yes. I know that now." He knew every numb inch of his own heart. Every cold night and hard day. Loki shut his eyes and wrapped her more securely in his embrace. Nothing would get to them now, not here.
Another short silence lapsed, then Nancy pulled back just enough to look at him. To study his beautiful eyes again, made all the brighter by the dim green of the lanterns and the moonlight streaming through the curtains. But, beneath all his love and kindness… she still saw his pain. The pain that had caused him to lash out at an unsuspecting world like a wounded animal striking at the first passer-by. The pain that he tried to hide behind his lies and smiles. The same pain that caused him to torture the only one who ever truly wanted to understand him.
But now she did understand. Nancy knew his pain and heartache like none other. She knew what it was like to be held captive against her will. To be beaten and broken until there was nothing left. Until every bright light was either dead or dying. Until all that remained was pain and anger.
"I'm glad you did it." Nancy finally whispered after a moment. She lifted her hand and stroked his cheek with her thumb, caressing him softly. "Now you don't have to suffer alone."
Surprised at the unbidden confession, Loki blinked and looked down at her. Had he so underestimated this woman that he would think she could hate him after all that? She always saw the light inside. The inability to climb from the dark place where he was shoved. Loki tilted his head and studied her lovely features. His woman. His lover. His beloved.
"And now," Nancy smiled and leaned closer to whisper in his ear, "Now, I have you. That makes all of it worth it." She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tenderly, unwilling to let go. They were bound together now, more than just by magic. Their souls were intertwined, woven together by their need for one another. Bonded by their pain and sorrow, each partner the only remedy for the other.
Finally, the guilt eased and left in its place a burgeoning hope for the future. Loki smiled at her exuberant embrace and wrapped her more securely in his love. He would not speak, for that was sure to anger her, and the last thing he wished was to anger her.
"I love you, Loki." Nancy continued, nuzzling into the side of his neck, "And I always will. No matter what you ever say or do."
Loki quickly pulled back and took her small hand in his much larger one. He kissed each knuckle until he knew she was aware he reciprocated her feelings. "You mean this?"
"Yes. Of course. I've never felt this way toward anyone else. I love you despite any faults you may have. No one is perfect. Especially not me." Nancy paused and sighed, knowing she had to explain her outrageous actions from earlier in the night. He had to know why she reacted the way she did. "I'm sorry about last night." She twined their fingers together and shrugged, remembering how their perfect night had gone so wrong. "Somehow, what you said triggered flashbacks. I suppose that'll happen sometimes. But that won't make me stop loving you."
Loki grinned at her, a boyish smile that made him look years younger. A smile that revealed a part of him long hidden and thought dead. "I am sorry for what I caused. I wish never to give you reason to be frightened of me."
"And I hope it never happens again." Nancy's smile slid into a frown. She'd studied cases upon cases of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not just of war victims and fellow agents, but common people who'd survived terrible things. Anyone who went through any sort of extreme trauma had symptoms and flashbacks. Memories that could be triggered by the simplest things. And she'd experienced horrible trauma herself. All those days in the cell constantly lurked in the back of her mind, waiting to surface again. This was her life now. Bowing to her master, even though she no longer had one. "But I know it will happen from time to time." she finally continued, "That's just part of what I have to deal with now. But, my love, know that I'm never truly afraid of you."
"I am glad. I do not wish that." Yet, somehow... she had been afraid of him. Enough to dream he would harm her. Loki stroked his knuckles along her perfect cheekbone. "Tell me, what did I do to cause your fear, that I may strive to avoid it in the future."
Nancy shrugged sheepishly, embarrassed by her actions earlier. "I think it was just the way you phrased it. 'I hate to see a woman cry, as you so well know'. As if I did know. Then all I could remember was the torture."
"Curse this silver tongue." Loki snarled at his own insensitivity and looked away from her. "I swear, you are the only woman I cannot twirl my words around."
Nancy physically recoiled from his tone and snarl. She'd obviously angered him again. "I'm sorry. I know how much you love your words. It was my fault." She quickly stood and paced to the other side of the room, wanting to give him his space. She'd made yet another mistake, and with her nightmare still vividly on her mind, Nancy wanted to put as much space between herself and his anger as she could.
Loki took a breath as she left him, knowing once more he mistook his own actions for acceptable when they were not. He inclined his head in a pitiful gesture of apology. "No, love. Do not run from me. I apologize. I was not angry with you."
"No. Don't." Nancy turned slightly and crossed her arms protectively over her chest. "You adore words just as much as I do. I overanalyzed. I misunderstood. It was my fault." She sighed heavily. "It's a curse I've created myself."
"What did you overanalyze, darling?"
"Last night. I always assume." Nancy perched lightly on the edge of the bed and pulled the covers over her lap, lightly fingering the golden braiding running along the edge. "You meant one thing, I heard another. And here we are now, arguing over meaning."
Loki sighed. He never meant to go down this dark road yet again. "Yes. It seems we are at an impasse. What did you think I meant last night?"
"I was jealous of Maija." She refused to look at him now. What would he think of her? "I took what you said as a taunt. You were so worried about her tears, but never mine."
Oh, so she was jealous. An interesting turn of events. Did she think he thought less of her simply because she hid her tears? Because he ignored them in light of a grander scheme? Maija was fragile and breakable and tiny, whereas his love—his Nancy—was a woman who could hold her own. "And in the future, when I tend to Maija in such ways, what will you do then?"
Nancy shrugged half-heartedly and stared intently at the tiny golden rope, studying the swirls and patterns. She could feel her tears burning at the backs of her eyes and tried to blink them away. "There's nothing I can do. I just want you to be happy, no matter who you're with." Her voice choked on the last syllable.
"You think I would choose her again, over you." Realization dawned on him and wrapped firmly around his heart, strangling it in a web of uncertainty. Did she so doubt him?
Nancy gave one barely noticeable nod as a single tear escaped and dripped down her cheek. "You deserve a beautiful Asgardian like her."
That simply wouldn't do. Loki read so much more into the words than she intended. He stood immediately and went to her side, settling on the bed and dropping his head to catch her gaze. "You do not think yourself beautiful?"
Nancy gave a humorless chuckle and glanced away. "I'm not Maija. I'm not proper or refined. I'm not nobility."
"Does this make you any less beautiful?" He extended two fingers, tucked them under her quivering chin, and turned her eyes back to him. He wished to see her soul as she bared it.
As another tear dripped down her cheek, Nancy studied his eyes. His love and kind expression. "You tell me." Her words came out in a breathless whisper, desperate to know his answer.
Loki smiled widely. She really wished to know, and he wished to tell her. "In my eyes, you are Maija's equal. Noble. Polite. And very beautiful."
With those few words, her sorrow fled. Nancy smiled softly and hugged her beloved, holding him to her. "Then you're not interested in Maija?"
"I had deep feelings for her once. You will have to excuse any feelings that linger beyond their welcome."
Nancy pulled back slightly. "But she likes you, too. Why aren't you with her?"
"Because I love you." His long fingers tucked a perfect red curl behind her ear. She was beyond beautiful, she was exquisite. Worthy of any praise the goddesses received.
Nancy leaned her face into his hand, savoring the gesture. "But if you loved her once, and now love me, who's next?" she questioned, still not understanding, "Where does it end?"
"I did not say I loved her. Only that I had feelings for her. I have never truly loved another before you."
Her smile returned with fervor and Nancy hugged him tightly. "I believe you." she finally whispered, slowly pulling away just enough to kiss his lips. He loved her. Only her. "What I can't believe, however," Nancy sighed as she pulled away and lounged back on the bed, "is that her brother would do that to her. Did you know him?"
"We spoke briefly. In hindsight, I understand his reluctance to speak with me." Loki sighed and sprawled on the bed beside her. It was quickly becoming his favorite place to rest.
"Do you think he's the leader?" She turned to face him and snuggled closer. "And those 'gateways'... what are they? Where do they lead?"
"Oh, various realms." She wasn't nearly close enough, Loki realized with a pout. He shifted on the bed and wrapped one arm around her shoulders. "And I am quite sure he is behind it all."
"Hm." Another inch or two closer was all it took to move into the proper position to lay with her head on his chest. Her favorite spot. She loved to hear his heartbeat. "That's probably why Skaldi had that thug hurt Maija. He didn't like how close she was getting to you. Poor girl. Betrayed by her own family."
"If I had not hand-picked her..." Loki shook his head. He could not dwell on that tonight. "He will be made to pay for all he's done. I will personally see to his punishment."
"How will you find him?" Nancy lifted her head slightly to look at him. "I might have a few contacts on Earth who can help sniff him out, but what about the other worlds?"
Loki smirked at her. Would she never learn how he operated? "I have my ways. The Dark World will be the hardest. But I daresay he will be found one way or another."
"Meanwhile," She snuggled down again. "Those few guards who remain loyal are having their families snatched away in the night."
"I will put an end to that immediately." And how glad he was, because had he not, Nancy would force him out of bed to see to it immediately. Now that he had her in his arms again, he didn't want to move. "I have given the orders. They will be carried out."
"Orders?" Wait, what? Nancy sat up straight to get a good look at him. "I know I should be used to having information withheld from me by now, but... what orders?"
"We've brought in all but a few of Skaldi's followers. All loyal guards' homes have had a visit from... ahem... me. There was quite a show of putting tracking spells on those homes. If Skaldi was watching, and I do not doubt he was, he will know I will know if the families are taken and where."
"But… but… what?" Nancy blinked, totally and utterly confused. "When did you do all that? We just found out about the guy last night. Did I sleep longer than I thought?"
"Oh, no. I've done all this since then." He shrugged. He had his ways and she should know better than anyone.
Nancy's mouth gaped open, displaying her absolute disbelief. She cautiously reached out a finger to touch him, making sure he was real. "How...? What...? But... you were..." Her words trailed off and she fell silent, dumbfounded by his magic and tricks.
A laugh escaped him unbidden. He'd never seen her so speechless. Loki reached out and poked at her most ticklish spots, trying to get a rise out of her. "So many things are possible when one can duplicate oneself."
Nancy giggled at the sudden feeling of his fingers touching all her sensitive spots. She swatted at him and rolled away. "So, you never left?" she laughed, flipping a mass of red hair out of her face, "You did all that, while still laying here beside me?"
"Well, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to use my time wisely."
With her smile still in place, she moved closer and resumed her place beside him, her head returning to his chest. "Why couldn't you sleep? You could've left if you wanted to. Or needed to."
"I was comfortable." Loki tucked her more securely against him, until he was certain not a thing could take her from him while he slept. "Besides, it was quiet here and I could concentrate on duplicating myself many times over."
"Wow. That must require a lot of concentration. I don't see how you can control more than one you at a time." She paused, realizing his avoidance. "And you didn't answer my question."
He traced his thumb absently over her shoulder, rubbing small, concentric circles to distract himself. "I was upset."
With a loving smile, Nancy leaned over him and brushed her lips against his. "I'm sorry I upset you. But, perhaps I can remedy it?" She kissed him passionately as she turned over and allowed him to return to his position atop her. "You know, I think it was your turn next."
