Chapter 2 – Dumb Ideas Require Dumb Plans

Warning: This chapter is dumb. Most of the chapters are dumb, but this chapter is especially dumb ;P


-:-:-:-:-:-


Chad was not entirely sure what he had done to the universe to warrant Ben's random invasion of his bedroom, but one moment he was pretending to focus on the homework he had already finished in class while determinately not staring at Doug and then the next Ben was in his room, collapsing onto his bed, like he actually wanted Chad to fall apart into a pathetic puddle of want.

"Audrey dumped me," Ben declared after Chad and Doug had shared their (totally platonic) look of 'what the hell is this?'. "I'm not sure why she dumped me, but now that I've thought about it, I don't think I'm that upset." He stared at the ceiling of Chad's canopy bed like it held the answers to all of life's mysteries. "I mean, I've been dating Audrey for years, and it's not like I don't like her, but maybe our statuses had more to do with us being boyfriend and girlfriend rather than any actual chemistry, you know?" He offered this to Chad, just, casually tossing aside the affections of the princess he had been dating for years while splaying across Chad's bed and if this wasn't torture, he didn't know what was. "I think this is a good thing. A good change."

Doug blinked. "Well, that's a good attitude to have."

And there was that dopey grin. "Thanks. It's just-" Ben rolled himself into the sitting position. "I haven't been single in a long time. Now that I am, I'm not sure what to do."

"You… enjoy it, I guess?" Chad offered, valiantly ignoring the stupid magic-driven cries in his heart that yelled 'take-me-take-me-take-me'. "Or you could ask someone else out on dates. Find someone you have 'chemistry' with."

"That's just it," Ben huffed. It was unfairly cute. "I don't know how to date someone that's not Audrey."

"I imagine it's a lot like dating Audrey," Doug tried. "Except, you know, with maybe less yelling."

Chad offered him a subtle thumbs up for the burn while Ben let out a dramatic scoff. "No guys, it's like-" He sighed. "We got into this rhythm. This set of expectations. Except now I have to do that with someone new and what if I mess it up?"

"Then… you mess up?" Doug frowned. "Not everything's perfect, Ben."

"Yeah, but I don't want things to go wrong," Ben groaned, and of course he wouldn't, because he was stupid and thoughtful and stupid. "I need like, a trial run."

"A trail run," Doug echoed. "How so?"

"You know," Ben said. "Like a practice date. So I can shake the rust off."

Chad's heart was a stupid traitor that was beating so hard in his chest he thought he might pass out. "So? Just ask someone on a practice date. That way they know you're going in to get back in the swing of things and can expect… miner hiccups, and you get… practice. Boom, problem solved."

"So." Ben narrowed his eyes thoughtfully in a way that never boded well for Chad. "You're just saying I need to get someone who understands."

"Exactly," Chad said, grateful that this particular hurdle had been avoided. He'd have to have words with Aziz later, the Agrabah prince was supposed to shove someone in Ben's path before he could come up with the idea of practice dates, whatever the fuck those were.

"Chad." Ben was smiling, smiling that impossibly charming grin that he knew no one (least of all Chad) could say no to. "Would you help me?"

Belatedly, Chad was pretty sure he heard Doug choke on nothing, but he couldn't focus on that because he was still stuck on- "What?"

"Be my practice date!" Ben chirped. "You date a lot of people." For information and connection building purposes. "You know what a good date is!"

"These things are both true," Chad allowed, because his image demanded that much. "But maybe you shouldn't start with me. How about a princess- or Jane! Jane could do it."

"Jane's too shy," Ben insisted, sliding off the bed. And damn it, that was true, Jane's shy persona was what got so many people to spill secrets around her on accident. "And why not you? You're an expert!"

"And out of your league," Chad sniffed, even though that was a horrible lie that Lonnie would make fun of him for later.

"Maybe," Ben agreed, because he was a too-nice pushover. "But that just means I have to step my game up. Come on, Chad." He knelt down beside the blond prince, resting his head on Chad's knee like some kind of begging puppy. "Please."

It was- entirely unfair to have that kind of desperate attention on him. To have Ben's head on his knee for purposes that couldn't be more innocent, and all at once Chad found his resolve crumbling.

"Fine!" he huffed, throwing up his hands. "I'll go on a practice date with you."

"Practice dates," Ben countered, ever the clumsy negotiator. "You need to mark my progress."

"You are lucky I like you," Chad declared, trying to still his beating heart and knowing he'd have to find some excuse to take a shower immediately after this just to get his body to calm down.

"I am," Ben agreed, painfully earnest in a way that made Chad want to shake apart.

Fuck Mal, seriously. Fuck her and her stupid magic cookies.

"Just so long as you know it," Chad said, and then Ben continued to prove himself to be the least helpful person ever by lounging on Chad's knee for the rest of the evening while Doug and Chad worked on homework, until his harried assistant finally tracked him down and pulled him back to his own office.

Doug was kind enough not to mention how Chad immediately laid claim to the shower afterwards, which only added points to his 'thoughtful unattainable boy' status. Ugh.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"So…?" Ben asked with an emphatic wave of his brows, arms spread wide so as to better display his practice date location. "What do you think?"

"I think it depends on how well you know the person," Chad decided, managing to contain his grand total of no surprise when he found that Ben had taken them to the Enchanted Lake. "Isolated location far from civilization? Could give off creepy vibes."

"No," Ben pressed. "I mean, what do you think?"

"It's nice enough, I suppose." For being effortlessly scenic and romantic and it looked like Ben had even set them up a sort of picnic because he actually was the worst.

Ben's smile dimmed ever so slightly. "You don't think it's special?"

"You literally brought the VKs here last week." After they had tried to poison Ben, not that he knew that. "Sort of makes it less special."

"Don't call them the VKs." Ben was pouting. It was awful.

"You literally brought the transfer students here last week," Chad corrected, strolling towards the very scenic pavilion with a forced disinterest because otherwise he'd start blushing. "But if I didn't know that, it'd be very special."

Ben immediately perked up. "Thank you!" He offered his arm to Chad who took it with great reluctance, hating to feel how stupidly firm the prince's muscles were underneath his button-up shirt. "So, how have you been?"

"You saw me yesterday, Ben."

"Chad." Oh no, he was getting the royal wounded face. "I need you to play along with me if I'm going to get any actual practice in."

"Fine." Chad sighed, trying to re-center himself as they settled down on Ben's very thoughtful and artfully displayed picnic. "I'm… good." Chad felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest on regular basis from the sheer want of it all, so much so that it was hard to breathe or eat or even sleep sometimes, and he worried about how the VKs were settling in, but otherwise he was great. "How are you?"

"Great," Ben chirped. "Now that you're here."

"Cheesy," Chad muttered, but Ben only beamed, offering Chad a miniature tart that was the epitome of delicious.

That was one of the bright sides of this unfortunate excursion, Chad managed to escape his grandpa-approved diet.

"You've never had a donut before?" Ben asked sometime later, when Chad was sucking powdered sugar off his fingers because manners could go screw themselves in the wake of that sweet goodness.

"Gotta strict diet plan," Chad explained. "You know. It's hard work to maintain this physique." And it was unbecoming of a prince of Sardinia to become ungainly around the waistline, so most of Chad's meals were small, bland portions. "Figures you'd get away with eating these things though."

"Really?" Ben asked. "How so?"

"You're the crown prince," Chad explained with a wave of his hand. "You can do anything that would be impossible to anyone else." Like talk Chad into a 'practice' date.

Ben laughed and it was magic, like he actually thought Chad was funny. "That's not true. And um…" He reached forward, thumbing the corner of Chad's mouth. "You have a little…"

"Oh." Chad would not blush, he would not blush, he would not blush. "Thanks."

"Here," Ben said, and then he just, offered Chad his sugar-covered finger, and Chad should definitely not take that in his mouth except he did exactly that with no regrets, humming around the proffered digit because he could.

When he opened his eyes (which had apparently fallen shut), Ben looked pleased beyond all measure. "You like being fed," he deduced.

Chad immediately swallowed a sputter, choosing the route of owning it. "Of course I like being fed. Who doesn't like being pampered?"

"Well, since this is a date." Ben shifted a little closer. "We should do things that you like, so…" He offered up a strawberry.

Chad did not flush because this wasn't a real date and Ben was actually a huge dork. "You are not feeding me."

"Why not?" Ben asked. "You like being pampered. I enjoy pampering. It's a win-win. Unless-" He leaned forward. "You're turning down free pampering. Because you're embarrassed."

"How dare you, sir." Chad narrowed his eyes, because Ben really was a crafty fuck. "As though I'd be embarrassed by something like this."

"Then it should be no problem, shouldn't it?" And that was how Ben came to spend the next twenty or so minutes feeding Chad, passing small talk between berries and little tarts and it was very maddening because he would let Chad suck juice off of his fingers or curl extra icing into his mouth and this was actually- actually killing Chad and he hadn't thought this out at all, should have said no straight out because he was going to start moaning and Ben would know and Chad could think of nothing worse than Ben knowing.

And then, of course, there was the fact that Ben had been drawing closer and closer to him over the course of their picnic, leaning in so he could study Chad's face so he could- achieve ultimate snack giving techniques? Chad didn't actually know, he just knew it was difficult for Ben's face to be this close to his, for his gaze to be so intent on Chad's mouth without wanting to do something drastic.

It got to the point where Ben had an arm wrapped around his waist, holding Chad to his side as he continued to feed him small morsels, thumbing away any crumbs that strayed and asking his opinion on all the foods Chad couldn't eat and it was horrible.

"Are you hot?" Ben asked after he had let Chad suck honey from his fingers. "You seem flushed."

"We're outside," Chad muttered, shooting him an unimpressed look. "Of course I'm hot."

"We're in the shade."

"But it's still sunny." That was his story and he was sticking to it.

Ben got a thoughtful look. "Here," he said, tugging Chad to his feet. Which was probably a blessing because it gave him some distance from Ben. He allowed the other prince to tug him over towards the edge of the pavilion, feeling the cool breeze as it brushed across the water. "Better?"

"Much," Chad allowed with a sigh. It was kind of nice, though he was distinctly aware of the fact that Ben was still holding his hand, like this was a thing they did on the regular. Like Mal, apparently, wanted to do with him.

"You still look a little hot."

"Can't help what comes naturally, baby," Chad replied on reflex, and somehow his dumb wink earned a laugh from the other prince, one that was genuine and devoid of mockery.

"No, but seriously," Ben said after the laughter died down. "And you know what will help with that?"

A feeling of dread built in Chad's stomach. "Ben, don't you dare-"

And that was how Chad found himself being shoved into the Enchanted Lake.

"Ben, you fuck!" Chad yelled when he resurfaced to Ben's laughing visage. "Negative date points! Party foul! You-" He scrambled for his pockets. "My phone!"

Ben stopped laughing. "Chad- I'm so sorry, I forgot-"

"You're the worst," Chad griped, staring at the poor remnants of his phone but it was truly ruined, and no amount of rice or baby eyes to Doug would ever fix it.

"Let me make it up to you." Ben scrambled into the water, as though this would somehow even out the odds. "I can get you a new one-"

"You can and you will, you jerk." Chad would feel bad about Ben's apologetic expression but if he didn't hold onto his anger he was going to find Ben helplessly charming again and that was not the right response to this situation. "Get yourself a new brain while you're at it."

"It was supposed to be cute." There was a pout on Ben's lips when he paddled close to Chad. "We'd splash water on each other and go swimming and- I even brought us a change of clothes."

"And where were we gonna change?" Chad asked, motioning to the multitude of buildings that did not exist in the immediate vicinity. "Word of advice, always make sure your pool partner is onboard for the pool plan, because if they're not this happens."

A flush of embarrassment settled on Ben's cheeks as he guided Chad back out of the water, the epitome of apologetic. "I'll make it up to you."

"Damn straight, you will," Chad grumbled, then made a beeline for the towels.

They changed into the clothes Ben brought them facing away from each other, Chad mostly hoping that no paparazzi had managed to follow them out here because it was the last thing they needed. He let Ben take him back to the dorms on his blue Moped because Chad couldn't call a car because his phone was dead. He allowed Ben to kiss his hand goodbye because he had tried and Chad was weak and that was all they said for the exchange except for the hope of a brighter future.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Dude," Aziz managed to corner him in the hallway when Chad was power walking back to his own room, because there was only so long he could go with the knowledge that he was wearing Ben's underwear and it was a very short amount of time. "Where have you been? I've been trying to contact you all afternoon."

"Ben ruined my phone," Chad grumbled. "It's a long story," he added, before Aziz could ask. "The others?"

"Already in their room."

With that knowledge, Chad gave a sad glance towards his room (his room, where he could get out of Ben's clothes before he sullied them and maybe hide them away and forget he'd received them, or better yet, openly claim them as his recompense for Ben ruining his phone) and followed Aziz to Jane and Lonnie's room, where they both… seemed to be sporting new hair.

"I think I know what they're after," Jane said without preamble as soon as the door was shut. "Mal was asking me a bunch of questions about my mother's wand and-" She blinked. "Are those Ben's clothes?"

"Are they?" Aziz immediately perked up, giving Chad a once over. "Damn, you work fast, my friend."

"It's a long story and it's not what you think it is," Chad muttered, keeping his focus on Jane. "But it mostly culminates in the fact that Ben is stupid."

"Because you love him?" Aziz asked, batting his eyes wildly.

"Focus," Lonnie cut in even though it seemed to pain her, her phone already in hand so she could take pictures of Chad. "We think the VKs want Fairy Godmother's wand."

"There was that security breach at the museum the first night they were here," Chad noted, remembering the anomaly and grateful that it finally slid into place.

"Do you think they want to take the barrier down?" Jane asked, gnawing at her bottom lip.

"It's the most likely option," Chad replied. "And the only thing that makes sense. Mal already has magic; if she simply needed to perform some spells she wouldn't need a wand of your mother's caliber."

"They want to let the villains out?" Aziz asked, settling into his familiar position by the window. "Why? Out of love?"

Chad shook his head. "They show too many signs of abuse for it be expressly out of love."

"Maybe their parents have some kind of leverage over them," Lonnie offered. "There's a bunch of kids on that Isle that shouldn't be there. If they had any sort of connection with some innocent kid-"

"Blackmail," Aziz summarized. "So, what do we do about it?"

"The only thing we can do," Chad sighed. "We try to expedite our petitions to get the kids off the island and, in the meantime, try to make Auradon seem as appealing as possible to the VKs. Give them some stakes. If they're invested in it, they won't want to lose it."

"We give them a home," Jane said quietly. "We find what they want and we give it to them."

"Unless it's Ben's heart," Aziz snarked. "Or your mom's wand."

"Give them what they want within reasonable boundaries," Chad clarified with a roll of his eyes.

"Works for me," Lonnie said. "Now about how you got Ben's clothes…"

"You're all stupid," Chad said, but Lonnie managed to tackle him before he could get out of the room so he ended up telling the story anyway, minus the part where Ben fed him food.

He didn't need to reveal all his secrets.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Chad's new phone was some sort of model that wasn't even on the market yet, customized with a dashing light blue case and mock-crystal popup stand to up his selfie game and Chad loved the stupid thing a hell of a lot, even though Ben had set the wallpaper to a picture of them from when they were like, eight, and were substantially less charming with missing teeth and wild hair and dirt all over their faces.

Chad didn't change the picture, though. There was something about the fact that Ben had selected the picture that made him incapable of switching it, even though it marked him in the friend zone so thoroughly it hurt.

Ben had even added a personalized ringtone for his contact to the tune of 'Be our Guest', despite the fact that no one turned their phone off of silent ever because they weren't barbarians. He'd even made his contact photo a selfie of him winking at the screen.

Chad hated this boy.

But he also loved him a lot too, so that was unfortunate.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"What the hell, Chad?!" Audrey was in a fine form of rage, hair perfectly coifed, nails perfectly sharp, and gaze that of a murderous beast prepared to eat the heart of an unsuspecting victim. "You're dating Ben, now?"

"Practice, dating," Chad clarified, because he managed to maintain his oblivious façade mostly by grace of not interacting with Audrey. "Ben wanted to practice and I took pity on him, because I am a good friend."

"Uh, huh." Audrey did not look impressed, though to be fair, Audrey was impressed with very little. "How very generous of you, Chad. For you to open your heart and open your legs-"

"Okay, I'm doing neither of those things."

"Yet," Audrey pressed, stepping into his space. "This was what you've been waiting for, huh? For me to screw up so you could just swoop in-"

"I didn't ask for this," Chad snapped, because there was only so much Audrey he could take. "It really was Ben's idea."

"Yeah, but you didn't fight it either, did you?"

"Of course not," Chad scoffed. "I know free food when I see it."

"Yeah, and that's about all you'll be getting," Audrey growled, pressing a hard finger against his chest. "Because no matter how much you practice, Ben will never take you on the real thing, Chad." Her gaze slid down, beneath Chad's waist, and then flicked back up meaningfully. "You don't have the right equipment."

Chad was very much aware of that, thanks.

He decided to cut to the chase. "It's been a pleasure talking to you, Audrey. We should do it more often."

"After you crash and burn, sure," she said with a toss of her hair. "We can review the many flaws of your pathetic crush."

"Ben really is missing out," Chad continued. "Don't know how he could pass up a treat like you."

"Like you'd know good taste if you saw it." Audrey narrowed her eyes. "Freak."

"Bye, Audrey."

"Later, Chad."

And with that, she left him, leaving Chad feeling shaken and small, like he always did after a bout with his own realistic expectations.

Just another day, then.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"So," Doug began, not at all casual despite his best efforts because Doug was not a creature of subtlety. "How was your date?"

"Practice date," Chad countered, comparing two pastel sweaters in his full-length mirror in an effort to determine which would annoy Mal more with its peppy brightness. "And it was fine."

"…just fine?" Doug's attempts at fishing for information were pathetic at best, but damn if Chad didn't consider it endearing, despite the fact that the dwarf kin was likely attempting to gather information for Evie because he liked her so much. "Was it… magical?"

"He shoved me into a lake, so no." And damned if Chad's heart didn't find that endearing either. Ugh. Love was the worst. He missed his days of ruthless, cold-hearted logic.

"…so there's going to be another date."

"Practice date." Chad sighed, turning to face Doug. "That is the key word in this."

"Yeah, well…" Doug flushed, fiddled with his hands. "What about me?"

Chad paused. "What?"

"Can I have a practice date?" Doug pressed, seeming to slowly gather his courage as he went on. "I have less experience than Ben."

"Then ask someone on a date-date," Chad scoffed, picking one of the sweaters at random and tugging it on over his button up. "This is not just- a regular thing I do."

"But you'll do it for Ben." Doug seemed insistent on this point, and Chad was likely imagining the pout on his lips but fuck was it a cute imaginary thing. "Why can't I practice date you? I won't push you in a lake. I couldn't do much worse."

"I already told you." Chad sat down on his bed and started pulling on the shoes that would complement his sweater and make Mal's eye do that twitchy thing. "This is not a regular thing. I'm only doing it for Ben because he's an obnoxious shit who would have outwaited me until I said yes."

He thought nothing of it when Doug fell into a comfortable silence. He finished work on his shoes and was about to stand up when he registered Doug in front of him, and then his brain dumbly registered Doug on top of him because Doug was in his lap, Doug was facing him, why was Doug in his lap?

"What are you doing?" Chad's voice didn't crack but his hands did reflexively brace Doug's hips before he could remember that was a thing he definitely should not do.

Doug stared at him with a new level of determination. "I'm being an obnoxious shit and outwaiting you," he declared, like this was a natural Doug move. "So we can go on a practice date."

Chad's heart may be magically inclined to side with all things Ben-related, but a part of it was still stubbornly dedicated to Doug, no matter how hopeless the endeavor might be, and with the teen so close and in his lap, eventually there were going to be physical responses that Doug would register because he was, in fact, right on top of Chad.

So Chad did the only thing he could do and sighed dramatically. "Fine. We'll go on a practice date. But don't tell Ben I'm practice-cheating on him or he'll whine about it."

"I don't think it's practice cheating unless you're practice boyfriends," Doug said, blissfully unaware of how those words falling from his lips affected Chad. "But I accept your terms." He awkwardly hopped off Chad's lap far too soon, and not soon enough. "Thanks, Chad. I'll see you later."

"You're welcome, sport," Chad managed a lazy wave as a farewell and then collapsed onto the bed as soon as Doug was gone, because what the hell.

And now he had to take another shower.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"See?" Doug gestured to the store around them with a grin that couldn't be prouder. "There are no large bodies of water nearby. I have already set us up for success."

"You took us to a book shop," Chad pointed out, giving a dubious look to a rather large pile of dust bunnies in a far corner that looked tempted to take on sentient life. "This is supposed to be a date, Doug."

"I know," Doug chirped, stubbornly motioning Chad deeper into the cluttered and cramped shop. "I'm pursuing a shared interest."

"Um." Chad made a show of cleaning out his ear with his pinky, because the intellectual elite always found that annoying. "I don't do books."

"No," Doug corrected. "You pretend not to do books for reasons I have yet to determine, but you've definitely already read through all of the ones I brought from home, so I thought I'd get you some new ones."

"That is-" Chad did not choke, but he was surprised by Doug's (frighteningly) accurate deduction. "I was looking at the pictures."

"You took notes." Doug grinned victoriously, meaning he must have found Chad's secret journal that was definitely coded and who was he kidding, if anyone could crack his codes, it was Doug. "Good notes, too. I thought we could get you some additional research to supplement your theories."

Chad considered this, all while committing to nothing.

Doug sighed. "It'll be our secret."

"Then you've got yourself a deal," Chad chirped, clicking his tongue. "If anyone asks, I'm just here to carry your bags. Because I am nice and charming."

"Yes, Chad," Doug muttered, and then he guided them deeper into the underbelly of the shop.

The store, Chad decided later, was entirely unfair. How he had not discovered it on his own journeys through Auradon City boggled him, but Doug was obviously a regular and as such had preferential status, which meant when any new (old) books came in, he got first dibs. And those beautiful, glorious tomes could cover anything from Oceanic potions to ancient rituals to hidden beasts of the Deep Jungle and Chad wanted every single one of them, especially the ones that covered older forms of government so they could learn from their predecessors and it wasn't fair, the way Doug would look at him with that subtly delighted gaze because he found Chad out. Chad had no chance hiding his interest with this many good reads, and so they found themselves exiting the bookshop later with heavy bags and lighter wallets, and Chad didn't even care that he'd been (further) compromised.

Doug then took them to another place Chad had yet to discover, a cozy little café where they could order cups of hot chocolate the size of their face, though they both opted for the half-face option because even they could only manage so much sugar. There were buttery croissants to go with them while Doug stirred up a debate about one of the ancient civilization books, and by the time they were done with their treats Chad had a dozen or so new ideas to put into their proposals for reforming the Isle. All-in-all the afternoon was both productive and a treat. Weird.

And so fucking Doug-like that it made Chad want to weep.

"Well," Chad made himself say when they left the café. "That was definitely an A plus practice date. Are you sure you don't just want to ask someone out?" Someone like Evie. "You could probably hit it out of the park."

"No, no – I need more practice first," Doug said distractedly, reading one of their new books and walking and well, who was Chad to turn down free romance that would likely doom him in the end?

No one, that's who.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Are you dating Doug?"

Ben cornered him in the locker room before Tourney practice, and Aziz only offered Chad an entirely unapologetic shrug before leaving him to his doom of an overly attentive prince.

"Practice," Chad sighed, slipping on his jersey. "It was a practice date."

"Are you practice dating Doug?" Ben asked, as though this very idea wounded him.

"Do not be an actual baby," Chad chided, huffing a stray curl out of his face before reaching for his equipment. "Doug's my roommate. If I can't take help him out, can I really be considered charming?"

"That is not an accurate correlation," Carlos muttered from his position of nearby but distinctly not part of the conversation.

"Chad," Ben said, because it was obvious he didn't know what else to say. He couldn't object to Chad being nice to people who weren't Ben, so he could only say Chad's name. It was horrible.

"I promise I'll always have time for your dumb practice dates," Chad muttered, forcing himself to pat Ben's head and not his cheek because then he might cup it and drag the prince forward and that was literally the last thing he should do. "Because you need them."

"What exactly is a practice date?" Jay asked from where he was pretending not to eavesdrop, trying to be sultry but mostly looking weird with only half of his equipment on.

"Hope you never find out," Chad huffed.

"It's like a regular date," Ben supplied, because he was obligated to be nice to everyone, even people who wanted to poison him. "But for practice. So you can get better at regular dates."

"Clarification." Carlos held up a finger. "What is a date?"

"Um…" Ben looked uncomfortable but like hell was Chad going to dig him out of his hole. "It's um- when two people hang out. Like, romantically."

"You mean with kisses and stuff?" Carlos asked. "Do you and Chad practice kissing?"

No, but now Chad sure as hell wanted to.

"No, like, the other stuff," Ben rushed to explain. "Like- I try planning dates that I think Chad will like because on a date, you want the other person to be happy. And then on a normal date you would maybe kiss and stuff."

"But you guys don't do that," Jay clarified. "Because it's a practice date."

"You tackle during Tourney practice," Carlos cut in abruptly. "And you tackle during a game. Really, the only difference is the audience and keeping score, everything else is the same. Why wouldn't practice dating be that way?"

"Because Ben doesn't want me to keep score," Chad muttered. He did not like those implications; Ben might think they were good ideas or some shit. "And kissing and tackling are not equivocal," he drawled the word out like he was parroting it from Doug, because Dumb Chad wasn't expected to know such things.

"Why?" Carlos asked. "Ben's probably bad at that too."

"Because if I practice kissed Ben I'd have to practice kiss Doug, and I only have so much actual patience," Chad snapped.

"You could always turn your practice attentions elsewhere," Jay murmured, wagging his brows in a manner he probably thought was alluring. "If um- Ben and Doug can't do it for you."

"I think I'm about all practiced out," Chad sighed, and then he exited with a toss of his hair, hoping that a dramatic departure from the scene would drop all potential arguments on the subject.

-:-:-:-:-:-

This turned out to be a false hope.

Because that night it was Carlos who crawled in through the window, cornering Chad on his bed for his post-practice world bemoaning while Doug was at Chess club, brows furrowed with a level of determination that could not be equaled.

"No," Chad sighed as the VK crawled into his lap. These people just- did not have a sense of personal space. "Carlos-"

"Look," Carlos leveled with him. "I get that you've only got so much time, but I really need your help. I've never-" He looked around quickly despite the fact that no one else was there. "Kissed anyone, okay? I need practice."

"You don't want your first kiss to be me, it will make everyone else pale in comparison," Chad sniffed, though realistically he didn't want Carlos to waste such a thing on Chad, even though he got the feeling that the VKs considered him more of a prostitute than anything else. "It should be meaningful, anyway."

"Why?" Carlos pressed. "I want my first kiss with someone I really like to be good, but how can it be good if I've never done it before?"

"Through determination and hard work. I mean, that's what got you into those honor classes, right?" Carlos had been moved up about a month into the semester after it became obvious he had only needed a refresher of the basics.

"Not the same." Carlos pouted. It was a cute pout. "Come on, man. Help me out."

"No," Chad sighed. "Mal will kill me. And then Jay will find what is left of my body and kill that."

"Jay won't do anything if Mal gives an okay," Carlos replied as if by rote, and then his eyes widened. "I've got an idea."

"I don't like this idea," Chad said, but then he found himself getting dragged out of his room anyway, so what the hell did he know?

-:-:-:-:-:-

That was how he found himself in Mal and Evie's room, Lonnie filing her nails at the foot of Evie's bed, because that was just Chad's luck.

"Mal!" Carlos still had a hold of Chad's wrist when he dragged him inside. "I need your okay for something. Or, Chad does."

"This was not Chad's idea," Chad felt the need to put out there, because Mal's gaze could get kind of murderous and Chad enjoyed living.

"Nope, it was mine," Carlos agreed.

"What is it?" Mal asked, setting aside the sketchbook Ben had given her (cuz he was a sap) to take in the scene with interest.

"I want to kiss Chad," Carlos declared with all the subtlety of a stampeding rhinoceros, and Lonnie managed to choke on her own spit from surprise. "I mean, I want to practice kissing Chad but he won't do it if you'll kill him."

"There's a host of other reasons why I also won't do that," Chad muttered, but Mal was looking thoughtful, which never boded well for him. "I think there's been a misunderstanding."

"What's there to misunderstand?" Carlos asked. "You're helping Ben and Doug get better at certain parts of dating-"

"And Doug?" Lonnie sputtered, but Carlos ignored her.

"-so why can't you help me get better at certain parts of dating? The only difference between me and them is that I'm from the Isle. So like, are you just discriminating against me?"

"Do not put words in my mouth, nerd," Chad held back his desire to roll his eyes through sheer force of will. "What you're asking for and what they're asking for is different."

"Yeah, what I'm asking for doesn't require you to go anywhere," Carlos argued. "I can't even ruin your phone. It's a win-win."

"Did Ben tell everyone about that?"

"Actually, that was Doug," Evie supplied cheerfully, watching the exchange with growing amusement.

"I don't see what the issue is here," Carlos complained. "You're going out of your way to help them-"

"If I kiss you can we stop having this argument?" Chad asked, because he had tried, okay? He'd given his obligatory objection and it didn't stick so why the hell not, at this point?

Carlos immediately switched from argumentative to considering, literally stroking his chin. "That depends on what Mal says. Mal?"

"…I suppose he can help you," she allowed after a dramatic pause. "But we get to watch. To make sure there's nothing hinky."

"Yes." Chad actually did roll his eyes that time. "That's why."

"You questioning my motives, Charming?"

"Perish the thought, my dear," Chad sighed, then took a seat at the foot of Mal's bed, since she was apparently in charge anyway. "So do you want to-" Carlos was already climbing into his lap. "Okay, so you've already got that part down."

"Was it supposed to be hard?" Carlos asked, genuinely curious, and Chad sighed again. Harder.

"Depends on how your foreplay goes."

"What's foreplay?" Evie asked, and Chad realized this was probably going to become a teaching opportunity for all of them.

"Technically," Chad began, conscious of the fact that Carlos was right there just watching him and Lonnie was trying to sneak her phone out. "It's everything you do before you have sex, but in this particular instance, I meant everything you do before you start making out. So really like, making out would be part of foreplay."

"Interesting," Mal mused. "Keep going."

"Right." Chad turned back to Carlos who was just, right there. "This is… really better demonstrated rather than explained, so try to just- go with the flow. Oh, and-" He held up a hand. "I need to know the moment you're not comfortable with something. Just like- pull back or, I don't know, hit my arm and we'll regroup, okay?"

"O-kay." Carlos gave him a weird look. "You know I asked for this, right?"

"You also told me you've never kissed anyone before, so you don't know how your body's going to respond."

"Positively, I hope," Mal chuckled into her hand.

"Ignore her," Chad said. "So…"

"I'll pull back if I want to," Carlos said. "Now can we kiss?"

"Sure," Chad said and then they… kissed.

Carlos was tentative at first, clumsy with his pressure, but Chad was careful with him, bracing his hands on Carlos' hips and allowing the other teen to control the situation however he wanted. When he thought Carlos was comfortable, he moved his lips in slight shifts, pulling Carlos into a deeper kiss until the other teen whimpered, seeming to melt into his hold.

"Damn," Chad huffed when they pulled back for air. "I'm good."

"I um. Need more practice," Carlos said hazily.

"We aren't really close to done yet, so that's good." And then Chad went back in, taking his time to suck Carlos' bottom lip between his teeth before going back to more tender kisses he seemed to like. "Okay so- I'm going to put my tongue in your mouth now."

"W-What?" Carlos flushed bright red, and across the room, a pale flush dusted Evie's cheeks.

"Auradon kissing," Chad explained. "Hit my arm if you think it's gross, but most people enjoy it."

Carlos was tentative about allowing him entrance, but once he did he sighed into the contact, letting his tongue twist against Chad's without fighting for dominance, happy to follow and hum needy little sounds into his mouth.

"Fuck," Carlos said when he pulled back. "Yeah, that's- weird but good."

"That's the common consensus."

"Alright," Mal broke in, and when Chad looked her way she had crawled right beside them. "I want to give this a shot."

"But Mal," Carlos whined, leaning into Chad.

Mal rolled her eyes. "You don't have to move, but you do have to share."

"Um." Chad blinked. "Why?"

Mal gave him a look like he was dumb. Which was the same look she always gave him. "Because it looks like fun." And then she was leaning in, sucking on his lips the same way he had done to Carlos earlier, nipping at him in a way that made Chad shiver. It wasn't long before it shifted into something dirtier, Mal asserting her authority by cupping Chad's face between her hands, but it was still nice. Weird, with Carlos basically resting against his shoulder watching them, with Lonnie barely daring to breathe and Evie doing… Evie things.

"My turn," Evie declared, and crossing the room had apparently been the 'Evie thing' of choice this time. "Pucker up, Charming."

"This is how pornos start," Lonnie muttered, mostly to herself because Evie was already kissing Chad.

It was an easy thing, simple and sweet. It made Chad feel shaky, because as much as he flirted with Evie, he didn't really know where he stood with her. He was afraid of what she could do, what her motives were, because she seemed so kind but she had been so desperate to please him, which either meant she didn't respect herself enough or didn't care that she was being used because the end result would get her Chad.

He was grateful that she didn't deepen the kiss with the way Carlos was curled in his lap and Mal's fingers were carding through his hair and Lonnie-

"Oh my goodness, Chad!" Lonnie said, voice projected extra loud as some kind of cue that something else was amiss. "I just remembered that project we have that's due tomorrow!"

Chad, who had mastered improvisation at a young age, eagerly jumped onboard with this. "Oh wow, that's right! Thanks for reminding me Lonnie! Guys-" Before Carlos knew what was happening, Chad maneuvered himself away from the bed, shifting across the room to help Lonnie up. "Sorry, we've got to go work on our-"

"Project!" Lonnie chirped, waving her phone. "This has been fun, though. Thanks for letting me stay."

"And now you've had practice, so-" They wouldn't need to ask Chad again. He moved to open the door for Lonnie-

To reveal Ben standing on the other side of the door, hand posed to knock.

He blinked. "Oh, did Evie text you guys too?"

So that was what Lonnie figured out.

"Nope," Chad sighed. "Just some more people wanted practice dating advice. You started a trend, buddy."

"I did?" Ben asked, but Chad was already brushing past him, making room for Lonnie.

"Sure did!" Lonnie chirped. "Bye guys!"

They maintained their peppy façade all the way down the hallway to Lonnie and Jane's room, and collapsed as soon as they get inside.

"Aziz updated me on Ben's position," Lonnie explained. "They were trying to set you up."

"What?" Chad just- didn't get the connection. At all. "How?"

Lonnie gave him a hard look, then flopped back on her bed. "If you can't figure it out, I'm not telling you."

"Fine," Chad sniffed. "See if I design your coronation dress now."

"You can and you will, Chadwick." She didn't even look up at him, just finished her statement with a threatening gesture that Chad knew she would one hundred percent follow up on.

"I suppose I can reconsider my dress designing position," Chad allowed.

Lonnie indulged him with a small hum of agreement, and that was that.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"I can't find it," Audrey hissed, cornering Chad in a shadowing nook between two buildings, her nails pointed and vicious. "Where is it?"

"Where is what?" Chad's confusion wasn't feigned this time. Granted, no interaction with Audrey was particularly pleasing so he tried to keep up with whatever could be bugging her at any given time, but he had little knowledge as to what could have led to that particular question.

"The note you forged." Audrey did not growl, but there was a distinct menace to her tone. "The reason why I broke up with Ben. I wanted to show it to him but it seems to have vanished into thin air." She glided forward with an elegance impressed upon her since birth, but there was menace permeating each movement, a lurking threat Chad knew Audrey was more than happy to act on. "Which seems fortuitous for you."

"I already told you I had nothing to do with that." Not that he had expected her to listen, but he'd still gone through the effort. "Too dumb, remember?"

"I checked the surveillance cameras," she continued as though she hadn't heard him, pressing a well-manicured finger to the base of his neck. "Didn't find anything."

"Pretty sure that's illegal."

"Saw a moment where Ben could have left it," she continued. "Didn't see anyone take it, so I'll admit you're good. Or, whoever you hired was good."

Please, Aziz had done that for free.

"I don't know why you're so hung up on this," Chad lied. "You dumped Ben and he doesn't want you back, showing him some note isn't going to make him change his mind. You can't guilt him into marrying you."

"I can guilt him into a date," Audrey cooed through a tight smile. "And with that date, I could win him back."

"Could you?" Chad asked with a vague smile. "He seems okay without you."

"That's because he doesn't know what he's missing," she hissed. "He doesn't know everything I did for him. Doesn't know how I boosted his public image. How I eased the minds of Auradon's citizens by assuring them of a solid future. Who's going to do that now?" Her nail dug into the skin just above his collar. "You? Mal?" She scoffed. "It's laughable. He'll see in time. I'm just trying to speed the process."

"And here I thought patience was a princess quality," Chad chirped.

Her nail dug deeper into his throat, but it was worth it, if only to watch her struggle to restrain her fury.

"You're an idiot, Chad," she declared, stepping away from him as though he were something distasteful. "And one way or another, I will get Ben back."

"Did you let Ben know that?" Chad asked her retreating back, her elegant curls tossed with a furious whip of her head.

She didn't answer him, because Chad was beneath her, but the fury would linger and that was what mattered.


-:-:-:-:-:-


Endnotes:

Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! And additional thanks to the guest woodsborn, who I couldn't message privately, for leaving such a nice and thoughtful review. It is my absolute pleasure to write these stories, and I'll probably be providing them for far longer than there is a demand ^_^. I'm always happy to inspire some Chad love!

Story notes:

For the purposes of this story, I rearranged a few things from the Descendants movie, meaning Lonnie and Jane got their hair fixed after the Tourney game in this timeline.

There is some fan map or something out there that has 'Deep Jungle' listed as the jungle Tarzan inhabits, I think. I didn't have a whole lot of luck tracking down an official breakdown of Auradon's kingdoms, so that's what I used.

Until next time :)