Chapter 3 – Adding to the Misery


-:-:-:-:-:-


"Hey, Chad!" said a person who looked like Ben and dressed like Ben but was definitely not Ben. "Ready for our date?"

"Practice date," Chad corrected on reflex, making sure to keep his disposition carefully aloof. He had spent too much of his life studying and despairing over the intricacies of one Benjamin Florianto be able to miss their distinct lack, which meant this imposter either thought Chad was really dumb (which was the point), didn't know Ben very well (which meant they didn't know Chad), or was really desperate. Or a combination of the three.

In the brief seconds after his greeting Chad contemplated all the reasons why someone would want to impersonate Ben in order to fake-date Chad, and the only prospects he came up with were 1) they wanted blackmail material on Chad, 2) wanted to make him miss his actual fake-date with the real Ben and therefore sabotage their nonexistent relationship or, 3) just- really wanted a date with prince charming.

Determining who was under the illusion would help Chad figure out which of the above options was most accurate, and to do that it became a short list of determining who had the capabilities to magically glamour someone and who knew about the practice dates to come up with a list of: probably the VKs.

Figured.

"Right," not-Ben laughed in what he assumed was an approximation of Ben's laugh. "Our practice date."

"And yes," Chad agreed, already stepping into motion. "I figured we could practice that thing you mentioned last time."

"Right," not-Ben echoed, scrambling after Chad. "Cool. I was hoping you would agree to that."

Chad and Ben had discussed practicing a grand total of nothing the last time they had met, which further cemented this human's status as an imposter. Which meant the real Ben could quite possibly still be on his way to their not-date, which meant Chad had to deal with this guy quickly. Granted, Chad's air-head status would give him about fifteen minutes of leeway when it came to punctuality, but after that Ben would likely call it a loss.

"Of course you were," Chad scoffed with a toss of his head, cutting across the Tourney field. "Normally we would do this in your bedroom for the sake of privacy, but since you want the 'authentic experience' we're going to have to use the equipment shed."

"Right." That was becoming not-Ben's favorite word, which almost made Chad pity him were it not for the fact that not-Ben was actively attempting to deceive him. "Thanks again for doing this."

"Just be glad I'm feeling generous," Chad grumbled, using the copy of the equipment shed key he had Aziz make him to unlock the door and usher not-Ben inside.

"Generous," not-Ben said. "Or loving?"

"What?" Chad blinked, because that was pathetic even for an imposter

"You know," fake Ben pushed on. "Were you feeling um- loving, towards me?"

Chad would give fake-Ben this, at least he was committed to his bad choices. At the very least, Chad had an idea as to why Mal had done this.

"Please stop talking," Chad ordered, laying on the agitation as he guided not-Ben to sit on the floor. "Or do better. That was practice-sad."

"Ex cuse you?" The offense with which this was said gave Chad the feeling it was Jay under that Ben-illusion, who prided himself on his (admittedly) reasonable flirtation skills. "That was not-"

"No talking," Chad repeated, moving to straddle not-Ben-probably-Jay's lap, shutting the other teen up rather effectively. "Your goal here is to try and last as long as you can, okay? And for the record, you are welcome in advance."

"What?" Not-Ben said, and then Chad was kissing him, because he could only think of one real way to tire not-Ben out that didn't involve knocking him unconscious, and that was to bank on the responsiveness of teenage hormones.

Despite the fact that he knew it wasn't Ben he was kissing, Chad could feel his pulse picking up to an uncomfortable pace, knew his body would start having a very active response if he didn't stay in control and end this quickly. Jay was impassive for all of a second before he was kissing back, making a smooth recovery, so Chad had to get, well, drastic, skipping a whole slew of expected foreplay and cupping a hand between Jay's legs, squeezing hard and insistent and relishing in the surprised gasp it earned him.

This was not Ben. This was not Ben. This was not Ben and Chad needed to remember that, needed to not do things he would have daydreamed about doing with the prince because even his imagination couldn't help it, couldn't help but yearn and sulk despite knowing how impossible it all was.

Feeling vindictive, Chad pulled away from Jay's lips and bit his neck, sucking down hard and reveling in the shudder that seemed to rock Jay's core.

"Like that, your highness?" Chad murmured, moving his hand a little faster. "Do you enjoy being waited on by your loyal subject?"

Chad didn't have a clue about Jay's kinks and his mind had never wandered down that particular road, but the mild roleplay seemed to be doing it for him, or at least was jarring enough from anything else he'd ever done that he wasn't sure how to respond other than grappling for Chad's shoulders with shaky hands.

"It's my pleasure to serve you," Chad whispered, nipping at Jay's ear before sucking another harsh mark on his neck, because if he was going to try and deceive Chad he was going to be punished for it, have to cover up those hickies later. "To do my best, for Auradon. For you."

Chad kept his tone sultry because otherwise that desperate edge of honesty that wanted to escape his chest would crawl out, even though this wasn't Ben.

He decided to take a different route. "Seeing you take care of the Isle kids," he murmured, moving his hand faster and relishing at how Jay's hips shifted into his touch. "Fuck. You want to help them so badly. Just want to be a good king for them, it makes me so hot."

Bit overdramatic there, even though Chad could feel himself get slightly lost in the heat of the moment, Jay's reaction was more obvious, breath catching in his throat and a hard shudder ripping through his body.

"It- it does?" Jay managed, one hand sliding to Chad's hip, gripping it carefully.

"Of course," Chad replied. "To see how much you care for them. See how you want to do good for your people." Chad leaned closer, letting his breath huff in Jay's ear. "Makes your people want to do good for you, if you know what I mean." He squeezed Jay to emphasize this and got a whine for his troubles, which let him decide that the seeds he had been attempting to sew would likely bear fruit. "Think you'll um- actually date one of them? I think Mal likes you, and she's cool."

"Y-you think?" Jay gasped.

"Oh, definitely." A hard grind and Chad knew Jay was almost done, falling apart under his fingertips and he had to- keep reminding himself it was Jay even though he wore Ben's wrecked visage so pretty. "Granted, it would probably be awhile before you could do anything like this, but if you did-" He sucked down hard on the curve of Jay's jaw. "She'd probably mark you up way more than this."

"Chad," Jay gasped. "I'm gonna-"

"Do it," Chad ordered. "Come for me, your highness. Come for you loyal servant."

A shudder, and Jay was kissing Chad, grappling for his lips while he fell to pieces in his hands. He was stubborn about holding onto Chad for the entire ride – maybe a hint of romanticism, or an attempt to reclaim his pride, but either way he was still dazed by the time Chad stood up.

"Um…" Jay-as-Ben blinked. "You didn't get any…"

"It's fine." Chad waved him off, running a hand through his hair as an excuse to check his watch. He still had about five minutes. "I'll come lock up later, you take your time recuperating."

"What?" Not-Ben asked, but Chad was already out the door, smoothing down his clothes and making his speed walk to the front of the school as casual as possible.

Predictably, Ben was there with the same dopey smile that lit up when he caught sight of Chad, and Mal was there, looking distinctly less happy to see the blond prince.

"Chad!" Actual-Ben greeted. "You're here! See Mal, I told you he was just running late."

Chad put on his best expression of befuddlement. "Weren't you just-? Never mind. We all know that beauty takes time. Are we going somewhere?"

"You know it," Ben said, and then he offered Chad his arm because he was a dumb gentleman who didn't know when to quit. "See you later, Mal."

"Yep." Chad shot her a wink. "Catch ya on the flipside."

"Sure," Mal drawled. "Whatever that means."

Overall, it was a total success.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Dude." Chad wasn't sure how Aziz kept managing to corner him so easily, but it was getting annoying. "What were you doing with Ben in the Equipment Shed?"

"Nothing," Chad answered honestly for once. "We had another fake date that involved a grand total of no sheds."

"Are you sure? Because Lonnie has some pictures of Ben stumbling out of there-"

"Trust me, man," Chad sighed. "It's all under control."

He did not appreciate the doubtful look Aziz gave him. "If you say so."

Really, such criticism was so unwarranted.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Chad got sucked into performing with the acapella group for Parent's Day by way of Doug's imploring eyes, because it wasn't like he was actually capable of saying 'no' to his roommate, and was even less capable when Ben decided to join in on the fun, thereby easily sealing Chad's fate.

Ben had also extended an invitation to the VKs to join in the performance, where Mal responded with a very appropriate bout of laughter that didn't end for like, three minutes straight, Jay gave him a look that suggested the prince was crazy, Carlos ignored him, and Evie – ever the negotiator – politely turned him down.

So now Chad was stuck in a room with Audrey – who was still trying to win Ben back – memorizing what would probably be a poppy abomination of some timeless classic.

"Ten bucks says it's 'Be Our Guest'," Chad muttered to Aziz, who had been dragged into the affair by a determined Lonnie who would not, quote 'suffer this alone', because her grandmother had so been looking forward to hearing her 'singing broadcasted to the world' or whatever.

"Why would I take that bet?" Aziz looked offended that Chad would even offer as much. "We all know it's going to be 'Be Our Guest'. I don't think Ben knows any other songs."

"Are you guys still complaining about this?" Lonnie asked distractedly, liking cursing Jane for being able to escape acapella torture. "Give the guy some credit; he doesn't always do the same thing."

"Yes he does," Chad and Aziz said at the same time.

"We do the same song every year," Chad groaned. "And every year we think 'hey, maybe we'll change things up' but then we don't because Ben's a mama's boy and this is like his mom's favorite song."

"Says the guy who definitely isn't a mama's boy," Aziz muttered.

Chad gracefully elbowed him in the side, because they had agreed long ago that talk of his dead mother was not to be tolerated.

"Alright guys!" Ben called the meeting to an order with a smile, sheet music balanced carefully in his hands. "For this year's song, we've decided to go with 'Be Our Guest'!"

"And this is my surprised face," Aziz deadpanned.

Chad made a show of grumbling to keep up his reluctant persona, but deep down he couldn't help but be thrilled at how passionate Ben was about such a dumb thing, couldn't help but love this stupid mess of a human, who chose the same song every year and coerced his friends into joining dumb acapella groups.

"I can see your adoration," Aziz muttered.

Chad elbowed him again and focused on his sheet music, despite the fact that it hadn't changed since last time. There were appearances to maintain.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"I need practice," Doug declared out of the blue one evening, when Chad was working on Jane's dress design for coronation.

Chad frowned. "We're already practicing," he said, assuming Doug was referring to the dates.

"No." Doug was doing that thing where he pouted again and Chad hated it as much as he loved it. "I mean- I need practice romantically feeding someone. Ben feeds you."

"Fed me," Chad clarified, forcing himself not to blush through sheer force of will. "As in, once. And how did you know about it?"

"I asked Ben," Doug said, like asking your friend how they took your other friend on a date was a natural thing. "And he said you like it-"

"Which is a normal response," Chad cut in, feeling reasonably defensive.

"-so I thought you'd be a good person to practice with. Look." He pulled out a few containers of delicious looking treats that Chad could have sworn had not been there earlier. "I have the food, and we have the time-"

"I'm going to have to agree to this since I let Ben do it, aren't I?"

Doug nodded solemnly. "I, too, can be an 'obnoxious shit'."

Chad sighed. "Where do you want me?"

That was how they ended up on the floor at the foot of their beds, Doug leaning in nervously, trying not to fumble a raspberry.

"Doug," Chad chided with a groan. "You've got to do this with confidence. Look." He grabbed the other teen's wrist and dragged his hand to his lips, giving Doug meaningful eye contact that had absolutely no ramificationsin the long run. He urged Doug to slide the treat into his mouth slowly, taking his time licking the remaining juice off of his fingers. "Like that."

Doug blinked at him dumbly, then tried again, this time opting for a small cupcake.

Chad was in the middle of sucking icing off his thumb when Carlos just sort of- barged into the room.

"Hey Doug," the other teen said, gaze fixed on a novel in his hands. "I finished that book you let me borrow-" He froze when he caught sight of them, Doug's thumb very much still in Chad's mouth. "Okayyy."

"We're practicing," Chad explained, slipping into his vague doofus persona easily in order to combat any embarrassment.

Carlos didn't seem to know what to do with this information. "What?"

"Romantically feeding someone," Chad elaborated. "Doug wanted to practice."

"How do you romantically feed someone?" Carlos asked before he could seem to think better of it.

"I could show you," Chad offered, because it wasn't like the situation could get weirder. "If you want."

Carlos pointedly looked at the array of snacks. "Do I get to eat that stuff?"

"Yep." Chad popped the 'p' for emphasis. "Though it will be from my hands, which I promise are clean–"

"That's fine." Carlos dumped his book on Doug's desk. "I've definitely had worse. So." He settled down beside Chad. "What do I do?"

"You? Nothing. You've got the easy job." Chad situated himself closer to the young De Ville. "May I wrap my arm around your waist? Totally fine if the answer's no-"

"Okay," Carlos said after thinking about it for a moment. "I mean, I saw what you were doing when I came in-"

Right. Yes. Probably should have locked the door.

"Great," Chad chirped. "How about we start with a cupcake?"

"Yes," Carlos hissed, looking at the treat with a level of excitement he couldn't quite hide.

It should be- weird, feeding Carlos, but it wasn't because for him it was more a means to an end. He was perfectly fine with Chad explaining proper technique as he fed him, fine with slurping at Chad's fingers to get every last remnant of chocolate, every trace of frosting or juice.

"This," Carlos said mid-chew. "Seems inefficient. But um- still kind of nice. Weird, though. Since you're not eating."

"My treat as the feeder is um- feeding," Chad finished lamely, offering his frosting smeared fingers to Carlos. The younger teen eagerly accepted them, allowing his eyes to fall closed as he savored the flavor.

No matter how many sweets he'd had, Carlos' expression was always that of wonder, of deep appreciation and gratitude, and it was hard not to get lost in that, in that simple thing.

Which was probably why Chad didn't register Jay's presence until he was literally feet from them, staring down at them in confusion.

"What the fuck?" he said, eyes darting between Carlos' mouth and Chad's spit-covered fingers and Doug, for some reason.

"We're practicing," Carlos explained, licking at Chad's fingers. "They feed each other in Auradon. It's so weird."

"Okay, certain people feed each other in Auradon, like- couples. Or dating people," Chad rushed to explain.

"Are you dating Carlos?" Jay asked, and Chad couldn't tell if that idea made him angry or not.

"No- we are practicing," Chad didn't sputter. "He just said that."

"You're practicing," Jay repeated.

"Yes."

"Feeding each other."

"Yes."

Jay considered them for a moment. "I want to practice," he declared.

"Dude, no," Carlos whined. "They have cupcakes."

"Well," Jay flopped down, snagging one of the cupcakes before crowding into Chad's space. "I think Chad deserves a cupcake since he's been doing such a good job feeding you."

"You literally just got here," Carlos grumbled. "He could have been doing a terrible job."

"He has a point," Chad said, but mostly to cut down on his nerves and confusion because Jay was literally – boxing him against his bed. "And um- you don't have to-"

"Open up," Jay declared in a tone that probably would have been flirtatious were Chad a girl, and then he promptly shoved the entire cupcake in Chad's mouth.

"Jay," Carlos groaned while Chad choked on a cupcake. "You tool, you have to do it slowly."

"What?" Jay seemed legitimately confused which would have been charming but Chad was too busy hocking up cupcake remains into Doug's proffered napkin, coming back up for air with crumbs in his teeth and watery eyes.

"You-" Chad coughed, and it was a wet, gross thing. "-get points for um- enthusiasm, I guess."

"Hold on." Jay was offended now. "It couldn't have been that bad."

"You shoved an entire cupcake in his mouth," Carlos drawled. "Of course, it was bad."

"Let me do it again," Jay said, staring down at the selection. "Here-"

"Please don't," Chad coughed, but this time Jay was offering him a finger liberally smeared with frosting which- seemed entirely more manageable. And in the wake of those attempted puppy eyes, Chad supposed he could take pity on him. "Fine."

He allowed Jay to slide his fingers into his mouth, taking his time to suck off the chocolate spread with a few swipes of his tongue. Jay seemed mesmerized, and Chad supposed in a way it was a form of trust, because he was letting the other teen do this, letting him not choke him and Jay was risking Chad biting him and so far everything was turning out okay-

Slowly, ever so slowly, Jay started pumping his fingers in and out of Chad's mouth. Chad took it as the challenge it was, attempting to get off the last of the frosting between the movements, hollowing his cheeks in a firm suck to get the last of the remains.

He had the majority of Jay's fingers in his mouth when he heard a very awkward - "Um." From the door.

And there, low and behold, was Ben.

Who was next, Aziz? They may as well invite the entire boy's dorm by this point.

"We're practicing," Carlos offered when it seemed Doug was too embarrassed and Jay was getting a sort of weird smarmy look on his face and Chad was still recovering from being 'pampered'.

"Practicing," Ben echoed, his tone unreadable.

"I will be honest," Chad managed after a few breaths. "I'm not entirely sure what's going on anymore."

"Jay isn't choking you," Carlos offered helpfully. "So that's something."

"Um," Ben declared louder, and then he turned on his heel and left, which was… fine.

"So," Chad said after a few seconds. "Does anyone want to let Doug practice on them? Because that was sort of the point of this."

"I volunteer!" Carlos said, eagerly jumping at the opportunity to get more snacks.

"And I volunteer to be your guinea pig," Jay said with a wag of his brows, making Chad roll his eyes.

"Yeah, I get it, you like frosting."

There were, probably, weirder ways to spend an evening. Chad couldn't think of what they were, exactly, but he was sure they existed.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Dude," Aziz hissed sometime after breakfast the next day. "What did you do? Ben's head has been in the clouds all day."

"What makes you think I have anything to do with it?" Chad shot back.

"Because it was your room he was seen walking away from all messed up," Aziz countered, not backing down an inch. "And that was after Carlos and Jay were seen entering it. So, I repeat, what did you do?"

"Man," Chad sighed. "Trust me, you don't want to know."

Because if Chad was confused, everyone else would be worse.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Hey." Mal cornered him when Chad had been lingering in a far corner of the library very much not spying on Carlos and Evie doing relatively harmless research things. "I want snacks too."

"What?" Chad asked, still trying to process the complicated feelings that were kindled by Carlos and Evie's awed appreciation of having whole and undamaged books.

"Feed me," she elaborated, giving his arm a soft punch. "That's an Auradon thing, right? Jay and Carlos said it was an Auradon thing."

"It is a romantic Auradon thing," Chad corrected, because he felt like things were getting lost in cultural translation.

"You're romancing Jay and Carlos?" Mal asked, brows furrowing. "Why are you romancing Jay and Carlos?"

"I'm not," Chad replied smoothly, because he was smooth and this wasn't a weird conversation. "We were practicing."

"Practicing," Mal repeated. "Like all that practice dating stuff?"

"Does everyone know about that?" Chad grumbled.

Mal shrugged. "Ben's dumb," she said, likely referring to his tendency to give trust on the basis of nothing and share what could be potentially damaging secrets with people he doesn't really know.

"He is dumb," Chad agreed, and then they spent a quiet moment of bonding over the to-be king's considered 'dumbness'.

"…it's not a bad idea, though," Mal began slowly, which was all the blaring warning Chad got before he knew things would go off the rails. "I want a practice date."

"You know," Chad sighed. "You could just get an actual date."

"I don't know Auradon." Mal was pouting and Chad kind of hated the fact that it was a cute pout. She and Ben would have cute babies. Ugh. "I don't know anything about your weird feeding each other ways-"

"Okay, that's like one thing, and not even everyone does it-"

"Exactly!" she pressed, lowering her voice to a more respectable whisper when the librarian gave them the side eye. "I don't know what should be expected or not. You don't want me to get taken advantage of, do you?"

This was payback for the stuff Chad had done with Evie, he knew. He felt it, in his bones, but Mal's gaze was the sweetest form of malicious, and he had a feeling if he said no there would be hell to pay.

Also, they were supposed to be giving the VKs a reason to like Auradon, so maybe he could work that into this.

Chad made a show of very dumbly considering this. "…I suppose you have a point."

"Of course I do," Mal chirped. "Now. You, me – practice date."

"I'll pick you up at noon tomorrow," Chad decided, grateful that it was a Friday and he had Tourney obligations and Mal had standing in the crowd and making fun of Tourney obligations to keep them busy.

"It's a date." And with a wink, she was gone, leaving Chad to hastily throw together a plan for a date that couldn't possibly be manipulated against him while also simultaneously being difficult to crash.

The things he did for peace.

-:-:-:-:-:-

"Okay," Chad explained as he guided Mal up the ramp, watching her gaze narrow at the covered arena of small, ovular cars. "The basic premise of this is that we have like, five minutes to smash into as many other cars as possible."

"That's it?" Mal asked, watching a group of tittering children make a mad scramble for the bumper cars in front of them. "How do we win?"

"There's no winning," Chad replied. "Only bumping."

Mal considered this. "I suppose it has promise."

Five minutes later when Mal was laughing like a maniac behind the wheel of her blue and yellow car, Chad decided to consider bumper cars a win.

They tried go-karts next. "This one has time trials," he explained. "Since we all start in a line, so it is actually a competition."

"Bring it," Mal said, and it was indeed brought, and they may have been asked to stay away from the go-karts for the rest of the day after Mal managed to spin someone out.

Chad gave her a high five for that one though, because it was totally awesome.

"I would feed you this," Chad explained as they settled onto one of the metal picnic tables near the arcade area. "But pizza is sort of an experience in itself. And messy. Like, good messy."

"I'll be the judge of that," Mal decided, and then her eyes lit up in a particular shade of green that made her seem younger, and she set into that pizza with relish.

"Not too fast," Chad cautioned. "You don't want to throw up. Also, I'm totally getting us milkshakes after this."

"What is a 'milkshake'?" Mal asked, with all the respectable suspicion of someone hearing those words for the first time, and in hindsight, the name was kind of hinky.

"It's ice cream, but like, drinkable?" Chad had never had to explain this. "You can get whipped cream and cherry on top."

"I'm interested," Mal allowed, and then later her eyes lit up again around the mouth of her straw as she sucked down a birthday cake flavored milkshake. "What the hell?" she asked. "How can this thing exist? It's so good?"

"Right?" Chad countered with a sip of his own strawberry shake. "It's not fair."

"Says you," Mal scoffed. "You can get these things anytime you want."

"I mean- obviously," Chad scoffed, opting not to mention the assistants and handlers Chad's grandfather had a tendency to send after him lest he deviate from any plans, or the chefs back at Auradon Prep that had been expressly instructed on how much and what Chad was allowed to eat. He couldn't even use the vending machines. It was so dumb. "But hey," Chad continued so his efforts to maintain his dumb guy reputation wouldn't piss Mal off. "Maybe we can snag some of these for the others on the way back? There's a chocolate explosion flavor Carlos would like."

"I'm listening," Mal said, and then they spent the next few minutes hashing out the flavors they would get before they'd leave, Chad suggesting peanut butter for Jay because the other teen had seemed especially interested in it when they had been 'practicing' the other night, and Mal giving him a look of suspicion he truly did not deserve.

Eventually, they made their way to the fair game area.

"So you… pop the balloon and then you get a prize?" Mal asked, seeming to find the entire process unnecessarily complicated.

Which, to be fair, it was. "The more balloons you pop, the better your prize is, but honestly, most of these things are rigged so-" Chad shrugged, managed to pop another balloon and offered the resulting prize bear to Mal. "Here you are?"

Mal was unimpressed. "I've seen better teddy bears on the Isle."

"And that is why I generally just buy my dates things," Chad allowed with a shrug. "This is like, for nostalgia purposes, but practicality wise, you might as well just hit the shops."

"Well then, shall we?" Mal asked, lifting her brows in an obvious challenge.

Little did she know, Chad was all about shopping. "I believe we shall."

-:-:-:-:-:-

They ended up with so many orders from a fabric store that Chad had to have their purchases delivered directly to Mal and Evie's dorm room. They ransacked Doug's bookstore and ended up repeating the process, Chad tracking down books on magic for Mal, tombs that cover the history and cultures of Agrabah, Hanover, Auradon, and what little there was of the Moors so they could get a better feel for their homelands. They found a better electrical toolkit for Carlos and Chad had jokingly held up some sparkly jewelry for Jay that he thought was funny, but Mal's gaze lit up with a vengeance so he found himself buying it anyway, along with some new clothes to fill their immediate needs and candies and sports equipment (and of course art supplies for Mal).

There was a good chance Chad had already crossed the line for what was considered polite to spend on a person he wasn't actually dating, but then they passed an electronics store and he figured to hell with it, so he bought each of them phones with coordinating cases and spent thirty minutes helping Mal set hers up on a bench in the park.

Eventually, they ended up back in Mal's dorm room with the purchases they hadn't had delivered, the to-go milkshakes safely hidden in the dormitory freezer and bags strewn everywhere. Chad wasn't sure how it ended up happening, but they both ended up collapsed on Mal's bed, Chad's head resting on her stomach as he stretched out against her side, her fingers playing with his curls as they let the exhaustion from their fake date wash over them.

"Okay, so-" Chad said between yawns. "A real date probably won't have as much shopping, but the rest of the stuff was pretty accurate."

"I liked when you opened the door for me," Mal giggled, because she had found the entire thing an adorable gesture that catered to her sense of superiority, and therefore she had loved it. "Every door. And the milkshakes."

"The milkshakes," Chad agreed, swallowing a groan at the way she carefully scratched at his scalp. Ugh, so not fair. Why did Mal have to be cool? She was the one who had essentially put a handicap on his stupid heart that made functioning the epitome of barely manageable.

"I have to admit," Mal began with a drawl. "This dating stuff isn't so bad."

"Not if you practice it," Chad agreed with his own subtle reminder. Because that had not been an actual date. They were not actually dating.

Further conversation was interrupted by Evie strolling into the room, raising one perfectly manicured brow at their explosion of shopping bags before setting her gaze on the two of them. "Should I leave you two alone?"

"Evie," Mal scoffed with a roll of her eyes.

"It's your room," Chad more substantially offered. "If anyone's intruding, it's me. You can be wherever you want, in here."

"Can I?" Evie asked, deceptively mild, which should have warned Chad that she would climb onto the bed behind him, curling around his back like a particularly sleepy kitten.

Okay. This was- fine. Evie was just- holding him. That was a thing that happened. Not to Chad- not unless he could puppy eye Aziz or Jane into doing it for him, but here it was- nice. Really nice.

"Problem?" Mal's hands carded careful patterns into his hair.

Chad shivered. "N-no."

"You're trembling," Evie hummed.

"Well, you're really pretty," Chad managed. "And a princess. This is a normal response."

He felt Evie tense. "I'm not a recognized princess, though."

"What?" Chad frowned. "Of course you're a recognized princess. You're Aunt Snow's heir. You know-" He turned to look at her and she was still- very close. "Hanover's crown princess?"

Mal's hand stilled in his curls. "Explain."

"Queen Grimhilde's right to the throne was stripped away under the confirmed allegations of attempted murder," Chad began slowly, trying to explain it as though it were a lesson that had been repeated to him many times so he wouldn't forget it, because he had a dumb reputation to maintain. "Which was why she was sent to the Ilse, but she's still of the royal bloodline. No one knew about your existence until you were like- ten, which was when Aunt Snow started campaigning for your removal from the Isle – I mean, more, she was already trying – and still is trying – to get the kids off the Isle, but there's a lot of paperwork and stuff involved so – anyway, the point is, Ben had to bring you over with the first batch of Isle kids because otherwise Hanover would have definitely cut ties with Auradon, and now here you are." There were a lot of missing details that maybe one day Chad would be able to share with Evie, but for now, he stuck with the basics. "They didn't publicize your arrival until the last possible minute, so Aunt Snow's currently in Arendelle wrapping up a major project, but she wants to meet you if you're open to it."

"I'm…" Evie blinked, seeming to struggle to take this information in. "I'm a princess?"

"Until such a time you commit an atrocity great enough to be stripped of your rank, or make actions that would be actively detrimental to Hanover – yes, basically."

He could feel Mal's fingers tighten in his hair. "Audrey said that you don't recognize the Evil Queen's authority here."

"You may not have noticed, but Audrey," Chad began with a sweep of his fingers. "-is a bitch ass hoe. And like, not entirely wrong, because we don't recognize Queen Grimhilde's authority, but Evie's authority is given until proven otherwise – just like the rest of us young royals."

Mal blinked, likely ruminating on the words 'bitch ass hoe'.

Evie seemed to be blinking away moisture from her eyes. "So… as long as I'm good, I can- I can be a princess?"

"You already are a princess," Chad stressed, because this was the important part. Give her something to hold onto. Something better than the Isle. "You'll have to follow the same rules of etiquette as everyone else, but like, you're already mostly there. You just need brushing up on the traditional stuff. Besides." He shrugged. "Everyone's going to cut you a break since you've been stuck on the Isle most of your life and you're young anyway. And if they don't, you should talk to Aunt Snow." Snow White could be a vicious queen when what she loved was being threatened, and Chad had never been more grateful to receive someone's tutelage than he had hers. "She'll take care of them real quick."

"…she likes me?" Evie asked. "She wants to get to know me?"

"Of course," Chad replied. "You're sisters."

Sisters with a large age difference but, sisters nonetheless. Aunt Snow, much like Chad, didn't have much family. She was greedy about keeping what she had after the loss of her husband, much like Chad was with the loss of his mom.

"Huh," Mal mused after a few moments, clearly turning all of this over in her mind. If she was anything like Chad, she would have the others verifying his story at the earliest available opportunity. "Thank you, Chad. This deserves a reward, I think. Evie?"

The princess blinked, then slid into a smooth, seductive grin. "Of course, Mal."

She spooned close to Chad's back, holding him near while Mal played with his hair which just- was cheating on so many levels.

"Um," Chad said, feeling his cheeks flush from the relative level of nothing that had been done to him.

"And you know what," Mal continued. "Maybe you should take Evie on a practice walk. How about that?"

"Tomorrow," Evie said, kissing his shoulder.

And that was that.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Doug decided to join in on their traditional post-Tourney lake expedition and Chad knew he was done for. This was it; this was how he would die. Drowning on lake water because he was too busy drooling over stupid Prince Ben and remarkably not stupid bookworm Doug because they were wearing swimsuits and it was torture.

This time, they'd managed to convince Mal and Carlos to join them in the water as well, and Chad had graciously latched onto teaching Carlos the swimming basics so as to get out of whatever shenanigans Ben had planned. At least the prince had thought to bring food this time, though all of it was savory, as post-swim sundaes were a concrete thing.

"This is stupid," Carlos muttered, the cotton shirt he had worn clinging to his body, thoroughly saturated in water. "I mean, do we really need to learn how to swim?"

"Learning it won't hurt you," Chad offered, though Carlos didn't seem convinced, sporadically shifting his gaze from his own waterlogged shirt to Chad's chest. "Look my dude, no one cares if you're wearing a shirt or not. Fashion's fashion. You've got to commit to your sense of style, we all respect that. No need to be self-conscious."

Realistically, Carlos was likely hiding some scaring underneath his overly large shirt, but that wasn't something Dumb Chad would think of so he didn't mention it.

"I'll get you a swim shirt for next time," Chad continued. "It's designed to get wet without like, drowning you." Like Carlos' current shirt was.

The small teen scrunched his nose. It was actually pretty cute. "Why?" he asked, gaze laden with suspicion. "Do you want me to do your homework too?"

"Okay, ow." Though fair. "And no. I respect a guy with a sense of fashion. It is my duty as a fashion elite to kindle your aspiring um… design sense. Or something."

"Did you… not understand your own sentence?" Carlos asked.

"Shut up and start floating," Chad countered, flicking a handful of water into Carlos' face, who took it with about as much grace as a startled flamingo. Which was to say, not much.

-:-:-:-:-:-

Chad wasn't sure whose idea it was to introduce chicken fighting to the VKs but it was probably Ben's because it was horrible and Chad hated it.

And yet, somehow he found himself with Evie balanced on his shoulders, Mal cackling atop Jay – her chosen champion – as he attempted not to drown but also win against a guy whose only goal was winning. Chad was sure it made for an interesting sight.

"Forward, Jay!" Mal crowed, grin turning vicious when she lurched into Evie's personal space, the princess laughing all the while. "To victory!"

Jay's smirk was equally wicked because he was definitely kicking Chad and somehow not losing balance. Which was just- a challenge so of course Chad had to kick him back. His honor was at stake.

"Destroy them, Evie!" Chad huffed, because Jay was still smirking and that would not stand. "Make them taste watery defeat!"

"If anyone will be tasting defeat, it's you!" Jay shot back, and then caught Chad hard enough behind the knee that the Evie-Chad tower collapsed in a fit of despair.

Fortunately, Chad was a petty soul, so he made sure to collapse forward onto Jay and Mal, therefore taking them down as well, and they all sort of toppled in a giggling pile of objection.

"Dude," Jay spat when they came back up above the water, pushing wet hair out of his face.

"Don't 'dude' me, Sir Crafty," Chad shot back, because Jay didn't get to act the victim when he had definitely taken that opportunity to feel up Chad's chest. "I demand a rematch."

Jay eyed him with a predatory gleam that generally would have made Chad more worried if he hadn't had hair all in his eyes. "Only if you're on my team."

"Then it's not a rematch, you-" Chad was cut off by Jay diving underwater and settling Chad bodily on his shoulders before he had any choice, forcing Chad to go with the flow of things lest he release a squawk or fail about in an un-princely fashion.

"Okay!" Jay declared while Chad was still gaining his bearings. "Who wants to fight the good hair crew?!"

At least the name was accurate, Chad reasoned, though it was weird to be lifted up so effortlessly. Chad was generally the base of these things, the one holding up the giggling princesses as they mock-battled while he and whoever else had gotten stuck on the bottom exchanged strained grins.

Now he was painfully aware of the head between his legs and the hands that seemed determined to creep higher up his thighs.

"Excuse you?!" Mal shot back, and then she was dragging Ben into the fray, except Ben seemed equally determined. "If anyone is the good hair crew, it's us. And Evie."

"And Jane!" the princess called from where she was watching on the steps.

"Wanna fight over it?" Jay asked, like he was going to do the fighting, but then Chad remembered the kicking thing and hoped Ben had good shins.

"You bet," Mal scoffed.

While the other team got situated, Jay's hands crept higher, sliding under the edge of Chad's swim trunks.

"Getting a little high there, bud?" Chad asked, swatting at the other teen's head.

Jay's grin was relentless. "Just trying to get a better grip."

"If your grip gets much better this fight's gonna turn x-rated."

"Promise?" Jay asked, and then the fight was on, Mal lunging back into action with relentless fury.

Here was the thing about Mal. Chad had been expecting her to fight dirty, welcomed it even as an opportunity to review her tactics. But.

Mal also scratched, and Chad found his body reacting to such ferocity in a way that he would rather not have it react while being perched on Jay's shoulders.

"Push, Jay," Chad hissed, though the other teen seemed more concerned with copping a feel of Chad's thigh rather than kicking Ben which was just- unfair.

"Don't worry about them," Mal huffed, her nails digging into the skin of Chad's hands. "I'm your opponent now."

"And you are terrifying," Chad allowed, because flattery could get you a lot of places. "Jay, seriously – focus."

"I am focusing," the other teen tried to sound innocent, though his grip had shifted to the inside of Chad's thighs and he was fooling no one. "You seem to be having a good time."

"I'd have a better one if we were winning-"

"Oops!" Ben yelled, and then Mal was screeching as she fell against Chad's chest, both of them going down like pile of clumsy dominos.

"Did you literally just say 'oops'?" Chad sputtered when he got back above the water, Jay taking the opportunity to cop a feel before Chad waved him away. "What the hell, Ben?"

"Yeah, Ben," Mal snapped, looking like a waterlogged cat. "What the hell?"

The future king offered them a sheepish shrug. "I slipped."

"On what, your hubris?" Chad shot back, because he wasn't just going to forgive that dumb grin even though that was the only thing he wanted to do, and maybe grope Ben as much as Jay attempted to grope him.

"Rematch?" Ben asked. "Except I'll be Chad's partner."

"For the last time, that is not how rematches work," Chad griped, but then he was also being settled on Ben's shoulders because he was a stubborn shit and Chad wanted to die because Ben was touching him, was touching his legs and was very close to places Chad would rather he not be.

"Fine," Mal huffed, and then she was climbing onto Jay's shoulders because she waited for no man.

"Fair warning, Jay kicks," Chad said as they began to grapple.

"What?" Ben's grip tightened on his legs which was unjust in many ways. "He didn't last- Jay!"

"It's war." Jay's grin was relentless. "And it's not against the rules!"

"Not attempting minor assault is sort of an unspoken rule, but I understand where you're coming from," Chad muttered, and he likely imagined the way Ben's hands seemed to be drifting higher.

"Gotta utilize all forms of strategy to win," Mal growled. "Like a surprise attack!"

And with that she swiped at Chad's chest, nails raking across pale skin in a delicious burn of pain and- other things that Chad immediately surrendered. He couldn't do it; he wasn't strong enough and he definitely couldn't do anything with Ben holding onto him like that.

"Oh no!" He declared, flopping backwards. "I have lost my balance!"

"Chad, you twerp!" Mal yelled, but he was already swimming away, trying to calm his heartrate because there were many things he was made for, but this was not one of them.

-:-:-:-:-:-

It got worse.

In that Doug wanted to get in on the chicken action so Chad ended up carting him around, and while this was never the way he had dreamed of being between Doug's legs, his stupid hormone-ridden body decided it was more than enough and also not enough and also Doug was killing him.

Like Carlos, Doug had opted to wear a shirt though unlike Carlos, he didn't care all that much when it floated up around him and Chad got glimpses of that forever elusive pale stomach. Chad could have gone his whole life without seeing that reclusive territory and now he knew what was there, taunting him for the rest of his days. Now Chad wouldn't be able to sleep at night because he knew five feet away was that dumb stomach he wanted to suck and kiss at until Doug was clutching at his curls, panting and writhing but still eager for more.

Ben had managed to convince Jane to join in on the action though that team almost always failed due to Jane's shyness and lack of killer instinct. After seeing Jay get that predatory look in his eye again, Chad had swooped up Carlos and taken him for a very reluctant spin, the young De Ville seeming more intent on clutching Chad's hair than any of his opponents as he tried and failed to maintain his balance.

Mal claimed him in what Chad assumed was recompense because she spent her efforts trying to scratch him as much as possible while climbing up on his shoulders, and then she had her fingers twisted in his hair while they waited for the others to get ready, giving it the occasional yank that made Chad very glad that his bottom half was safely hidden by the water.

He swam an extra few laps 'for exercise' while the others clambered out of the lake, though Jay lingered near the steps to sneak in one last groping before they all descended on the food. At least the guy was consistent.

"I can see why you guys do this," Doug said later when they were making sundaes, though it didn't escape his inquisitive gaze that Chad didn't have a bowl, though the blond prince managed to successfully redirect the conversation any time he tried to bring it up.

"Because it's awesome and we're awesome?" Jay tried, making a show of sucking chocolate sauce off his thumb.

Chad valiantly did not giggle, and rewarded himself with a bite of Jane's sundae as a reward.

"Because it's good," Doug settled on. "And you should share good things with your friends."

They fell into silence afterwards, the VKs looking thoughtful and Doug unapologetic, and Chad wondered if they were winning them over.

He certainly hoped they were. He hoped they knew Doug was being honest.

And that he spoke for all of them.


-:-:-:-:-:-


Endnotes:

Gonna go ahead and say that Cruella was settled in Central Auradon before she got booted away, which was why Chad got a book on it for Carlos.

In-canon Snow White's kingdom is technically 'Charmington', but I renamed it to Hanover, which I think is significantly cooler and sounds closer to an actual kingdom.

Until next time :)