A/N: Hey! Hello! Greetings! So, we're really getting into it, aren't we?
You guys excited? I'm definitely excited.
This author's note won't be very long, cause I really wanna get this up, so. . .
Fact of the Day(#18): The shape of a candy cane actually originates from the shape of a shepherd's staff, because David (like David and Goliath) was a shepherd before he was king, and was also the ancestor of Jesus. The red symbolizes the blood of the Lamb (Jesus' death), while the white symbolizes the purity of the Lamb (the fact that Jesus was sinless).
Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I know I certainly had fun writing it.
Also, before we get going, I'll just mention on a side note that I recommend listening to Wolf in Sheep's Clothing, by Set It Off (preferably on repeat) during this chapter. I listened to it on repeat while I wrote it, and it worked really well, too, when I was revising it.
Just. . . trust me.
Never in the time that Reyna had known Octavian, did she think she would be granted the opportunity to comfort him in midst of a nightmare.
But she was studying his face, wiping the last of the salt-marked tracks from his burning cheeks when she found herself in the middle of one.
He made a pained noise, harrowed and desperate in its nature, breath beginning to pick up in a way that conveyed a strong sense of fear. She knew what was coming, so she embraced him again, holding him tight in hopes that she could alleviate his suffering.
But another sob built in his throat (gods they had just calmed him down, barely an hour ago, tears drying and heart at peace (at least as far as his could be)), so she adjusted herself (she couldn't adjust them both, they'd had to restrain him so he wouldn't try to kill himself again and she hadn't quite processed the fact that Octavian was trying to kill himself) and called his name.
But his tears still overflowed and fell down his cheeks and she was shaking him now, begging him to come back to the life that he needed but so desperately despised-
Then he's jolting awake with a sudden gasp, like he's drowning and she's pulling him to the surface, and it takes him a moment to recognize her and her a moment to register that he's awake, he's terrified, and he's crying.
So they lay there for several moments, tears streaming down Octavian's face and pale blue eyes wide with panic and Reyna realizes with a searing jolt that all the other times this had happened, before, he must have curled into a ball, pressing his face into his knees to muffle his tears, sobbing until he had to compose himself and face the mockery of the entire camp.
The camp that never asked about him, never asked why he seemed to be skipping more and more meals as the years wore on until he hardly ever appeared in the mess hall, or why the (hastily concealed) bags under his empty eyes seemed to be dragging him down onto the ground so all he could do was crumble where he stood and deny ever having room in his heart for such trivial things as emotions.
And now his face was contorting into something like shame (no that wasn't right Octavian didn't feel shame, only pride, only confidence, only bravado-) and he scowled (it wasn't at her, it was at himself, Reyna realized), but hid his face in her shirt all the same. He let out a reluctant, angry sob, clenching his hands into fists until his knuckles were painted a paler porcelain.
She pulled him closer in response, despite feeling terrified at the prospect that Octavian, of all people, had just given up, letting a willing body hold him as he cried, though Reyna suspects she'll never know the contents of his many nightmares.
But she can do that, she can allow him his privacy.
Honestly, she's surprised that she's able to comfort him in this way, or at all. She'd always been an emotional child, but sorely lacking in the skill-set of empathy, which everyone else around her seemed to excel in.
And Octavian's trying not to break down again, breath halting and body racked with ruthless tremors.
So she hushes him, wiping the tears away (even though they keep falling in spite of their efforts, like he won't stop like he can't stop), when he looked up at her, embarrassed and exhausted and his eyes-
His eyes are still empty.
She reaches out to hold his face in her hands, gently urging him to look at her, managing to pull rank solely in her tone, "Octavian. I am not here to turn you away. I will not laugh, I am not cruel, and I certainly will not deny a soldier his dues."
But he's gasping for breath, moving his arms towards her like he wants to hug her back, but he doesn't dare to admit that he desires to explore this new, detached gesture.
Instead, he shakes his head, breathing out hoarsely, "I can't- I don't feel anything, Reyna, it won't- I'm just- I can't feel anything-" His breath stutters, like he's just coming to terms with this reality, this fact of his, and now's he's teetering on the edge of another panic attack.
"You've been broken," Reyna says, holding him closer still and gently undoing the bonds, knowing he's too weak to run and she's too determined to let him. "I understand how that feels. But I need you to trust me, Octavian. A soldier does what he must. You know this."
His breath catches, maybe weighing her words in his head (and she's impressed, she really is, but doesn't think now is the best time for him practice self-control; she just needs him to trust her, to release the twelve years of suppressed emotions locked deep within the recesses of his-)
But then it's like a dam breaks in his heart and something shatters deep inside him, and he's desperately returning the embrace, burying his face in the crook of her neck and letting loose a new flood of tears, stronger and more overwhelmed than its predecessor.
And the only thing she knows to do is stare a hole into the wall of the infirmary, face indifferent, one hand resting on the small of his back.
"Octavian," she said, like his name was all that needed to be said so he knew that she saw him, that he was there.
And that was all he needed.
A/N: Sorry this was so short, but the chapters just played out much better if one of them ended here. I have a lot more to come, and I really appreciate you guys cooperating so well with my request for feedback.
A quick shout-out to Valkyrie Kane, as your comment made me glad that I published so late. If I hadn't published that day, you'd have gotten that good news before you'd needed it. So, thank you for that encouragement.
Another quick shout-out to RandomFanAuthor for you review as well: I'm still grinning from the compliment and the review itself. I really needed that. Thank you.
And, I'll see you guys in a bit. Hopefully "a bit" isn't a few weeks xD
