I walk home again today, and my legs seem to grow heavier the closer I get to Marcus's house. Abnegation, not Erudite. It's a minor consolation that my result is the one Marcus wanted for me. I will have to do anything I can to hide everything else that happened. It might be as dangerous to tell the truth as it would be to lie to Marcus.
Caleb returns home much earlier than I thought he would. Usually he has community service after school and gets home just in time to cook dinner on the nights it's his turn.
"Hi, Tobias," he says when he sees me sitting at the dining room table staring out the window.
"Hi."
He narrows his eyebrows and tilts his head a little. "Are you okay?"
I can tell he wants an honest answer. I love him for it, but I can't give him what he wants. "Yes. I'm fine. Just…thinking."
"About your test results?"
"Yes."
"What did you get?" he asks, sitting across from me.
I shake my head and smile at him the way I used to when he tried to convince me to give him an extra piece of the candy we got at New Year's. "You know I can't tell you."
"But you're going to tell Dad, aren't you?"
His question comes out like an accusation. Even at fourteen, he is fully cognizant of Marcus's need to control our entire lives. The thought makes my heart feel like it's sinking into my stomach. As much as I can, I have always tried to protect Caleb from what I see as the broken parts of our family and society. When I see him about to ask a question of Marcus, any question that might reveal a crack in his world, I try to stop him. But I can't. He can see the cracks too well, maybe even better than I can, and he knows he can be frank with me, that I would never hurt him for any curiosity. He doesn't let me get away with faking it. This ability to see the truth of matters is both his best and worst trait. It means I cannot lie to him, but it also means that he never holds Marcus's actions against me. I often believe, and I wonder if Caleb does too, that Marcus tries to push us apart. We will not let that happen.
I will not let that happen.
"I'm going to have to, I guess." Saying that makes me feel cleansed, because it's the truth, but it also makes me feel dejected. I can't see a way out of telling Marcus what he wants to know, not without taking punishment for it. I console myself with the thought that I might have to tell Marcus the truth about what happened in the aptitude test, but he will never know I plan to choose Erudite. He can't read my mind.
There's something hesitant in the way Caleb takes his next breath. He holds it, then lets it out, like he was going to say something but changed his mind. "What?" I ask.
"Nothing." He looks at his watch. "Want to play checkers? We've got some time."
"Yes. That sounds good." Yet again, Caleb has shown me how he is a perfect fit for Abnegation without even trying. He didn't suggest playing for amusement. He suggested it because he knows I need something, anything, to keep my mind off my test results for a while. He will not let me drown in my thoughts.
The cover on the box he pulls from the drawer under the coffee table is tattered, and the corners are coming apart, but all the pieces are there. He unfolds the board as I separate the red from the black checkers.
"Best of three," he says as he arranges the red checkers on his side. "Loser makes dinner and washes the dishes."
"If you wanted to make dinner that badly, you could have just asked to swap with me," I tell him, because tonight is supposed to be my turn. I have a hard time believing Marcus won't notice that the same person is doing both in a household where we're supposed to share work equally, but I like the way my response makes Caleb grin.
"It'll taste great on the dishes you're going to have to wash," he replies, making the first move.
I let him win two of the three games.
In the evening, I go through the motions of cooking but almost let the tomato sauce boil over because I'm so distracted by what the Dauntless woman asked me. What she knows. Will she report me to someone because I was aware during the sim? Am I some kind of aberration without even knowing it? From the way Marcus acted, it wouldn't surprise me. Maybe that's why he's been so cruel to me all these years, trying to squelch whatever it is that makes me different. I wonder if it's tied to the things that make me want to press against Abnegation's rules until they crack like thin glass.
Marcus opens the front door just as I'm straining the noodles. "Dinner is almost ready," I call to him. He won't want to eat if the food is cold, so I've bought myself at least half an hour to figure out what I'm going to say when he asks me what happened during my aptitude test.
He leaves his shoes on the mat by the front door and comes into the kitchen. "What were your test results?" he asks, without pretense of caring about the rest of my day.
"Abnegation," I say, mixing sauce into the noodles. I don't even think about making the excuse that we're not supposed to talk about our results with anyone. I have no choice where Marcus is concerned.
"Look me in the eye and say that, Tobias," he commands.
I look up and stand straight, shoulders back, hoping the gesture will hide my fear of him. "I got Abnegation." Marcus has never thought much of the Dauntless, and I play into this. "My test administrator was Dauntless. They're not known for their powers of observation. She couldn't even tell me apart from all the other Abnegation kids."
"Did she say anything else about your test?"
Transferring dinner to three plates, I shake my head. "No."
"You're lying."
I concentrate on not dropping the hot plates as I carry them into the dining room. Marcus steps back but does not take his eyes off me. "I don't have anything to lie about," I say as I put the plates on the table. "My test result was Abnegation. You can look it up yourself."
Marcus crosses his arms over his chest. He is not satisfied with my answer. I head back into the kitchen and when I return with the salad, he has taken his seat.
"Caleb," I call, "dinner's ready."
"Your brother and I have to talk in private," Marcus says to Caleb after he finishes washing the dishes. I am still sitting at the table, wanting to escape but knowing I can't. "Go to your room."
"Yes, sir," Caleb says without hesitation. He dries the last of the silverware and walks up the stairs to his room. If I were in his place I'd do everything I could to listen in, but I know he won't. Not because he fears what Marcus might do if he's caught, but because that is the rule Marcus has laid down.
I shrink back when Marcus sits beside me at the table, not across from me. I'm in striking distance.
"Now, let's start this conversation again. What was your test result?"
"Abnegation," I answer immediately.
"You know that I have access to the test results."
"Yes, sir. My result was Abnegation."
Indecision curls Marcus's lip. I think he wants me to be lying to him about this just to have an excuse to hit me. "All right. Abnegation. Tell me what happened during the test."
"Everything happened just like you said it would." I recount the choice, the dog, the girl. "Then the Dauntless woman told me my result, and I left. I think she was bored."
"And during the test, did you have any awareness of where you were?"
I knew the minute I emerged from the sim that I was never going to tell Marcus about my awareness. If I was in danger for it then, I figured I could only be in more danger from Marcus by revealing the truth to him. During dinner I came up with the answer for this question. I pause and run it through my head one last time before speaking. "At the end, I felt pain in my shoulder from the dog biting it, but then I woke up and I had bitten my lip. Is that what you meant when you said I might be aware of my body?"
The silence after I answer tells me Marcus isn't satisfied. He stands and shouts, "Caleb! Come downstairs immediately!"
Caleb knows better than to hesitate. Or maybe it's that he's so worn down by Marcus that passivity has become second nature. Either way, I hear the door to his room open and his footsteps on the stairs. He looks curious, but not wary. I almost tell him to run. I am the one who has sinned here, not Caleb. I can't figure out what Marcus wants with him, but I know it can't be anything good.
"Your brother is a liar, Caleb," says Marcus. His tone is mild but his eyes are full of fire. "He is not being honest about his aptitude test. Do you think that's acceptable?"
Caleb looks from Marcus to me. He knows Marcus has backed him into a corner. "I…no, sir," he says. His voice is thin. There is no right answer here. There is only the one that will lead to the smallest amount of punishment.
"I didn't raise my son to lie to me, did I?" He is looking at Caleb, but I know his words are meant for me.
"Dad, please, I—" I start, standing so I can get his attention.
"Stop talking!" Marcus roars, and I cringe, backing away a step. "I can't stand to look at you. You are deceitful, and you need to face the consequences of your actions.
"See what your lies have wrought, Tobias. Understand that it is not just you who suffers when you lie."
Marcus swings his fist and hits Caleb in the face before I can comprehend his words. Caleb stumbles back in surprise. He raises his arms to cover his head, but some damage has already been done. Blood trickles out of his nose and over his lip. Marcus knees him in the stomach and he falls into the couch. This fight is nowhere near fair. In my mind, I am throwing myself in front of Caleb to save him from Marcus. My body, though, cannot move. All my joints have locked. My bones are leaden. I think I've stopped breathing and there are black spots at the edges of my vision.
I open my mouth to tell Marcus to stop, that I am the one who deserves his violence, not Caleb. No sound comes out. My throat has closed. He lands blow after blow in Caleb's ribs, his kidneys. I think I hear Caleb screaming my name, but it sounds like he's at the opposite end of a long tunnel. I would know what to do if Marcus hit me. But this is the first time he has ever struck Caleb for my transgressions, and I am so shocked by his actions that I have neither fight nor flight in me.
"Did you think I wouldn't know what really happened during your test?" Marcus spits at me when he has hit Caleb for the final time. Caleb is panting, bent double, one arm across his stomach and the other pinching his nose. Then Marcus grips my upper arms. He says into my ear, quiet and malicious, "I know what you experienced under the influence of the serum. You saved a little girl who you knew wasn't even real, but you did nothing right now to help your brother. Think of this moment when you choose tomorrow."
While Caleb is still incapacitated, Marcus pulls me upstairs by my arm, fingers digging into my bicep. I fight against him, trying to get away so I can help Caleb, but rage has given him superhuman strength. He opens the door to the hall closet and throws me inside. I stumble, and by the time I'm upright he's already locked me in. When I grew three inches last year, Marcus put a deadbolt on the outside of the door. No matter how much I pound at the thick wood and twist and kick the knob, the door doesn't budge. Thoughts of Caleb bruised and bleeding make me struggle against the door long after I'm sweating and aching from the effort. I need to get to him. I need to make up for everything I just failed to do. But after some time, I have to give up. The door is doing more damage to me than I'm doing to it.
Suffocated by the close walls and the reek of cedarwood, I curl up in the corner, arms around my shins and my head on my knees, and pray. For myself, for Caleb, that something somewhere will fall out of the sky and expose Marcus for what he truly is. I don't think God is really listening, but if Caleb has faith maybe it will work for me on his behalf. "I'm so sorry," I whisper over and over, though I know I should be saying it to Caleb and not to God. "I know I should have stopped him. I was… I just… I froze. I'm so sorry. Please let Caleb be all right. I promise I will never let Marcus hurt him again." But even as I pray I hear Marcus whispering in my ear. I saved the girl in the sim, but I couldn't save Caleb. I am weak and selfish and a coward and a liar.
Caleb would never have failed me the way I just failed him. When Marcus hit Caleb, I was supposed to defend him. The one person, the only person, I love needed me more than ever before, and I choked. How many times have I thought to myself in the past that Marcus could do whatever he wanted to me as long as he didn't hurt Caleb? Then came the opportunity to let him do just that and I showed both of them that I could not rise above myself. What is selfishness if not being able to push past your own fears when someone else needs you?
Eventually I fall into a restless sleep, and I wake with a single word in my head: Erudite. If I can't be there for him in the moment Caleb needs me most, I have no place in Abnegation. I don't deserve him and his unfailing selflessness. Erudite will be a fresh start. I can take a new name, build a career, and still serve others through teaching. I can ask for an assignment to the Upper Levels classes and keep an eye on Caleb that way. I'm not sure what time it is, but I check the door. The knob turns and the door opens. Caleb must have, like he always does, opened the deadbolt. I peek out carefully, just in case Marcus is waiting to punish me further. It's still dark, so I head for my room. The clock on my bedside table tells me it's two-thirty in the morning. I double-check my alarm and pull the blanket up to my chin.
When morning comes, I shower and dress for what I tell myself will be the last time in my gray robes. In the hallway, I think about moving the panel over the mirror and checking my reflection just as an act of defiance. But I don't.
